A/N: Please don't hurt me…

\/ I am really bad at thinking up Chapter Titles, have you noticed?

Chapter 38 ~ The Common Room

'Yeah.' James said, his voice switching from angry to sympathetic in less than a second. He released my hands which he had been squeezing so hard with anger that I got pins and needles as the blood surged back into my fingers. 'Are you alright?'

'Not really.' I whispered truthfully.

'Of course; silly question.'

'No, it's not that so much. I'm confused.'

'About what? Come on, ask me anything, and if I can, I'll tell you what I know.' James suggested.

'You saved me?' I asked the one thing that had been swirling around and around in my mind. From the look on his face as I spoke, this was the one thing James had been hoping I wouldn't ask.

'Not really. I mean-' he hurried on quickly when he saw the horrified look on my face '-he didn't… you know- do anything. But it was a close call: much too close.' James shook his head and squeezed his eyes tight shut as if trying to physically shake the memories out of his head.

'It's not your fault.' I murmured softly, stroking his hair back from where it had fallen into his eyes.

'Yes, it is.' He spat, eyes snapping open and hand shooting up to his hair, knocking mine aside. 'It is.' He repeated, quietly this time, his voice filled with pain. 'I saw him ask you out, you know?' I raised my eyebrows, and he picked up the hand he had pushed out of the way, an apology in his eyes. 'Yeah, I can't believe you said yes to someone who asked you out like that.' He was smiling, but there was something in his expression that seemed a little… off.

'I wasn't really paying him much attention, and he was being pretty persistent so I figured it would be best to just say yes.' I explained, trying to make James understand without having to clarify my real reasoning.

James's face dropped. He avoided looking at me, his gaze fixed pointedly out of the window when he talked next. 'I was persistent.' Oh. That's what this was about; jealousy.

'Yeah, you were.' I giggled, thinking of some of James's more elaborate methods of asking me out. 'But look at us now.' I said, pulling on his hand that was still clasped to mine, pulling him around to face me again. 'I wouldn't trade this for anything.' I swore, refusing to drop his gaze until he nodded his agreement. 'Besides' I added, trying to sound off-handed and failing miserably, 'I only accepted to make you jealous.' His head snapped around at this.

'What?' he grinned, looking slightly stunned.

'You were avoiding me.' I held up my hand to stop his explanation. 'I don't need to know why, not now you've decided to stop. But I was hurting, and little part of me wanted you to hurt too. A larger part of me wanted to see you fighting for me again; you're right, you were persistent. And I loved that about you, even if I wouldn't admit it to myself.' James's grin was now so wide I thought his face would split in two. 'I just wanted to feel close to you again. That's why I said yes when Johnny asked me to the ball. Of course' I continued, ruining the mood, 'that plan sort of backfired, seeing as since then I've felt more apart from everything in my life than I ever have before, including you.' I admitted sadly.

'Lily…' James trailed off, for the first time seeming unable to come up with anything to say.

I just shook my head and squeezed his hand.

'Even with my lack of medical knowledge, I know that this' I gestured toward myself 'is an extreme reaction to a single case of near rape.' James swallowed, and I knew from the guilty look on his face that my assumptions were correct. I climbed out of his lap, detaching my hands from his and stepping back. 'You – you… took my memory?'

James nodded. 'Lily, I'm so sorry.' He began, lifting himself from the chair, but I stumbled backwards, hands held out protectively in front of me.

'Don't, James, don't. Just… just put it back. PUT IT BACK!' I screamed when he just stood in front of me, his eyes bloodshot and watery, looking limp completely useless.

'Lily. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.'

'Just put them back. James, just put them back, please.' I already knew from his lack of response what this meant, but until he told me I could still hold onto my last vestiges of hope.

'Lily. I can't.' He said finally, a stray tear trickling slowly down his cheek before stopping, suspended on the bottom of his chin.

'No.' I shook my head. 'There has to be a way. You know everything, there has to be some kind of cure. There has to be.' A look of pure, undiluted terror passed through James's eyes, but he quickly wiped his face clean of any feeling.

'There is no way Lily.' He said, deadpan and unemotional. 'You know this.' He had given up trying to come any closer to me, and I was surprised to find that when I looked down, my shirt was damp with tears, my face dripping with despair.

'How could you do this to me?' I demanded, shooting James a glare that could cut ice. 'I thought we were friends?'

James eyes filled with anger at this and he came surging forward, his long, calloused fingers circling my wrists like manacles. 'I did this because we're friends. You think I thought this would happen? I did what I had to do, to protect you.'

I looked into his stormy eyes, and I couldn't see the James I had come to know in the past few months, and it was pure terror and utter confusion at my situation that made me rip my hands from his grasp. 'I don't know what to think anymore; my mind is no longer my own. I can feel it's been tampered with. How can I ever be sure that any of my thoughts are even my own? Have I had any control over my actions since Halloween?' I asked, not really to James, more so that I could hear them, try to make sense of my situation by listing my problems aloud.

I turned without another word and slowly trailed from the common room, heading in no particular direction, my mind a whirling mass of emotions.

'I'm so sorry, Lily.' James whispered after me, but making no move to follow me.

A/N: And so we finally realise why Lily has had such a bad reaction to the 'Johnny Situation'.

And just for clarification, we are a few weeks away from the beginning of the Christmas holidays! And I'm sure we all believe in Christmas Miracles!

Review your opinions!

Love, Anna-Cate xxx