There was never going to be a simple way to move forward, and Merlin had hated sharing things that were… Well… personal. When he first decided that he had to try and stop outright lying it hadn't seemed as daunting. Rage he supposed and adrenaline might have fuelled that impulse, or dulled his nerves. The reality of it was quite different. Conflicted emotions roiling inside him left him feeling sick and discomfited.
It was necessary though, this rawness and sharing of painful truths, he had accepted that.
When Arthur asked him about Lancelot he had been sorely tempted to lie, it would be so easy whispered a voice in the back of his mind. He knew, without doubt, that if he caved to the temptation then it would end what had been growing between them. He'd slip back into old habits and Merlin wanted to form new ones. If Gwaine and Percival were risking their necks for it- without magic protection- then he had to. That wasn't going to be easy and went against all his life long training to keep The Secret. With the added pressure of Destiny it was a great deal to expect Arthur to assimilate in a short time.
Arthur appeared sincere in both his horror as he came slowly to understand, and his resolve to change things. Merlin had served him long enough to recognise all of his faked faces and feigned responses to the Lords and Ladies. So he had taken the risk of the truth. Even if he lied the chances of the knight doing so were low. Lancelot would tell him about the Griffin, or why he felt he hadn't earned his title back then and Arthur would know. Bloody destiny.
Watching training was at least a temporary distraction from all of the complicated things. Lancelot was definitely going to be feeling the effects of Arthur's manly feelings for several days to come. Eventually even Leon noticed and suggested Percival spar with the Prince before someone was actually badly damaged. Leon's subtle 'what the fuck happened' looks towards Merlin were a lot less subtle than he thought. Why they all assumed that he always knew what was wrong with the Prat he had no - actually he had a very good idea but really they were knights and should pay better attention. In fairness to them he usually did know… And when he did not the problem often involved him or his absence. Being a sulky, over indulged prick apparently was not not considered considered a 'reason'.
When the men traipsed off the training field, bruised and sweat soaked he threw towels to both Arthur and Percival. Lancelot noticed and caught his eye, brow arching high. Merlin silently rolled his eyes and shook his head almost imperceptibly...or it would have been if he had not been under close observation. Arthur turned to his first Knight, calling him. "Sir Leon. I have something to discuss with you after council. I'll expect you to come to my Chambers. The actual council chambers seems to be almost unusable outside of those times. Let us not tempt fate this time." He nodded to Merlin, who by now had removed the plate armour, and his servant stood and approached Lancelot. Not unusual enough to attract attention as the two were still close, despite their different stations. "Um, Lance? We need to talk."
Lancelot looked at his friend dryly then.
"Can I assume that you have something to do with the uncalled for beating I just took?" Merlin cocked his head to the side, crossing his arms.
"I was in no way consulted about the violence. Possibly. Well probably. If you think he may be using this to channel anger, this would be the result of me taking your advice. The specific advice you have repeated a number of times."
"Think before you act?" Lancelot mock glared as he unbuckled his braces and Merlin rolled his eyes.
"No. Well yes, but that's not what I meant. The other advice." Lancelot paused, looking intensely at Merlin for a minute and noting the evidence of nerves and restlessness. Finally nodding in comprehension he answered,
"Ahh. That explains a lot about the pain I am in."
Merlin frowned, guilt flashing over his features.
"I can fix that when we talk later."
The Knight smiled brightly,
"I certainly hope so. You might want to run that by Prince Arthur first though, he looks… very irritated."
"Leave Arthur to me."
"So you and Percy?"
Merlin laughed, "No. Just good friends. Like you and I. I'm not his type."
Even if he had been it was too soon for Percy, and Merlin could never offer someone all of himself. Half a coin would always need to be with what made it whole. Not many people could share time and care that way. They might be platonic, but Merlin knew better than to think either he or Arthur would be OK without the other. Any queen would be forced to accept that, either reluctantly or willingly, and he couldn't change it even if he wanted to. Merlin snorted,
"Besides, when have I ever been the type to settle down calmly and take up sock darning?"
Lancelot smiled, looking between the two coin halves, not needing to verbalise his comment. "Fine. You see! I have no reason or inclination to expand my sock darning responsibilities. You can all fix your own damn socks. Without me!"
"Sooo shall we be having this talk after council orders before?"
"After. Very definitely after. I have to be able to concentrate during it, not be distracted by keeping the peace between you all and defusing volatile confrontations."
Some men might have scoffed at such words from a servant, but Lancelot knew better and merely nodded. "Is Gaius out tonight?"
Merlin swallowed hard, Lancelot knew that Gaius had been aware of Merlin's talents from the start, "Yeah… About that. Gaius and I had a fight. Things have been busy so I-" No, no outright lies dammit. "I was avoiding the subject and have new Chambers. Gwaine and Gwen can give you directions. Arthur's not glaring at you anymore, my time's up."
Arthur was very keen to avoid losing anyone else, and he was still very much in shock from too many revelations in a short time. All of which were serious enough in themselves to deserve his full attention. He needed time, time to think and learn and plan, and they didn't have it. He sighed and decided it was time to call his warlock to heel.
"Merlin, my sword and armour will need cleaned and polished, right now you are to attend me in the council meeting. Don't dawdle all day, wittering on like a fish wife on market day." He couldn't completely change how they appeared to others and didn't really want to, and Merlin appeared to understand as he rolled his eyes and replied sarcastically "Yes Sire, from your lips to the gods ears."
Lancelot sounded oddly strangled in the background but the warlock ignored it and traipsed after the prince as he had been doing since he arrived in Camelot.
As their footsteps faded Percival turned to Lancelot, brow arched, "You too, eh?"
Lancelot tried to look innocent, "Me too what?" Percy chuckled.
"Good luck with that oblivious act mate." Clapping him on the shoulder as he left the armoury, leaving a bewildered knight behind him.
Once the Council session was out of the way they would be able to leave and drop the pretence of not actually being equals- keeping the bickering and ribbing but without the illusion of power imbalance. Not a situation that the Prince was actually upset about, if anything it removed any sense of possible guilt over tormenting the other man, knowing that if it was actually too far Merlin wouldn't only be rebelling but was able to fight back. Albeit not with a sword. Yet.
Then when it was over Merlin could try to cram in some reading and Arthur could do- well- whatever it was Arthur did when Merlin wasn't looking. Maybe see if he could get somewhere with those old dusty tomes.
The extra information about Sir Percival and Merlin added a strange sense of urgency. It wasn't that it had seemed unimportant before, but now the suffering of those who survived had a face, the collateral damage and chaos left behind those who died- no, murdered if magic was innate. They were a visual reminder that those stories continued, unceasing, there was no ending for those left behind. Not like when one situation, quest, or sentence was complete for the king and Prince.
He had a horrible, sick feeling that this was going to nag at him until it was fixed, not constantly, but frequently striking at each trigger, and in the moments he'd see that look in their eyes. One he now recognised as the same grief reflected by the widows of lost knights. He wondered how he had never seen that before and understood, it hadn't been hidden. He just hadn't really been looking for it. In all these months he had never actually asked the men why they fought or what brought them to it.
Council went as well as could be expected with the king 'leading' it, and Arthur trying to guide without prompting open conflict in front of the Lords, lest they begin to take sides. Personally Merlin thought it was too late for that, but it wasn't doing any actual damage. Yet.
Open confrontations between the king and the heir were always bad, and to date Arthur had always relented or bitterly submitted at least in public. Merlin knew that the next major one was likely to be a tipping point for the current balance of power, and with gossip the news would spread fast to surrounding kingdoms. He hoped that it could be delayed until they were both on a more even keel and more confident in themselves with the recent changes.
Throughout it all Lachlan stood opposite the king, true to his word he remained silent, and never broke eye contact, staring straight at Uther unflinchingly.
The king began to look agitated early in the meeting and by halfway through was sweating nervously, his manner becoming increasingly brusque. Merlin hoped Uther hadn't noticed how several of the Lords had begun to glance sideways towards his son when orders were given or an inconsistent response given. Arthur managed to cover most of those slip ups gracefully, but it really had become a matter of time, and the noblemen could sense it. Whether or not it was malignant or neutral they were beginning to evaluate their allegiance and consider where they would stand in terms of favour with Camelot's new regent. Watching. That sort of scheming made Merlin twitchy. Fortunately magic was not involved in any of the day's discussion but that couldn't last, it was amazing that they had managed this long. As the council was dismissed Uther managed to break away from Lachlan's fierce stare, ghosts had the advantage in that they didn't need to blink and Merlin was sure that Uther could feel that gaze following him.
Honestly, after being witness to this he truly hoped no one ever decided to haunt him. He was pretty sure that if they did he would have earned it, but gods he hoped he didn't get a tag-team of them.
Arthur remained, quiet even when they were alone again.
"Merlin? Am I doing the right thing?" Merlin shrugged and turned towards him.
"I suppose it depends on who you ask. I'm not exactly neutral, but speaking on behalf of those that I am apparently supposed to represent and protect; yes, absolutely. Ending the bloodshed and a genocide is Right. Before I lived all of this I would have asked what you were waiting for, ran ahead. We've both grown since those first days changed, and I think there has been too much needless suffering on all sides, but I respect the way you are laying proper foundations and acting to ensure this is not just a superficial change but a lasting legacy. It will take longer than one man's lifetime for Albion to fully recover, but it can. I was told yesterday- that is, someone said that Albion is holding its breath. You are the air that will revive her. Or kill her. Don't deceive yourself Arthur, if Albion dies, Camelot will fall with her."
A throat was cleared in the doorway, "Sire, you may want to address the acoustics here. Many important meetings are held in the chambers and the walls were damaged by the last attack."
"Hello Lord Geoffrey. You are prepared for our meeting?"
"Of course Sire."
Arthur turned to Merlin, clasping his hands behind him, "Well? You heard them man. I expect you to begin to address those repairs as is fitting."
"Sire?" Merlin looked at him confused.
"The acoustics Merlin, like the other reinforced rooms." Arthur hissed and understanding dawned. Both the men beside him knew he was Emrys, and had soundproofed other chambers with magic. He placed a hand on the wall and murmured the spell, a very slight ripple of gold flowing across the walls and door, sinking into them.
"How I ended up with such an idiot as- as this I have no idea. Go on, Gwaine'll be waiting for you."
Merlin blushed, he really should have got that faster, especially given that the only reason he hadn't done it before was so that it was simpler for him to eavesdrop on others.
"Don't forget with Leon, Sire."
"Sir Leon to you." retorted the Prince.
"Not since he wore a very pretty dress Sire." Merlin smirked.
"And yet he never stole.." Arthur bit that off, remembering, "Do try and hit Gwaine will you, he did miss his own training this morning."
Noting the Prince's self-correction Merlin just nodded tightly, the Prat really was trying… and at last learning some sensitivity. Gwen was good for him. Sometimes.
Arthur was right, Gwaine had been waiting for him with horses, weapons, and what he assumed was food. Having remembered the prat's reaction this morning Merlin had taken a quick detour by his quarters and picked up the few Dragonlord items he now had. Casting a quick concealment spell over them he ran most of the way to the stables. Gwaine awas leaning against the stable wall, chatting to one of the stableboys who blushed on seeing Merlin and tried to melt away without being noticed. Not that it worked particularly well, Gwaine rarely stopped talking and Merlin had issues with not acknowledging people who helped him, even if it was doing their job. "Thanks for readying the horses Dan, how's your dad doing."
The poor boy stumbled over his words in a way that had Gwaine cringing on his behalf but Merlin appeared not to notice, "Much b-better since you g-gave him the medicine, thank you. I'm to- I mean he wants to pay you f'r it. Not right to take somethin' f'r nothin' like." The youngster fidgeted as Gwaine's lips twitched.
The physician's apprentice shook his head, "Forget it, really, we're not in need of it, and that one's easy to make if you know how. Before I came to Camelot I'd never seen a physician, and little coin. Pay me by helping someone else." He grinned, "Aww, and you got me Trixie, hello girl." He stroked her nose and simply asked Gwaine without turning from the mare, "Same place today?"
With the kid having scarpered Gwaine grinned and nodded, "Aye, what Princess wants, he usually gets. Mount up, we've a lot to cover today."
"Like I don't always." Grouched Merlin as he slung the coat over.
"Obviously, but this is new. Need a boost?" Concern flickered across Gwaine's face as he noted the remaining stiffness in Merlin's movements, it stung his pride enough to prompt him into moving faster, muttering denials.
"Fine, let's go, I could use a break from the castle anyway, lead the way Sir Gwaine." Merlin smiled genuinely, deciding to at least enjoy the ride out.
Gwaine set a fast pace and Merlin followed, enjoying the freedom as the scenery rushed by them. It was soothing, though he could have done without the jostling about, Kilgarrah never had such trouble. He was pretty sure that if he complained about it to the dragon though the bastard would find it amusing. Sympathy wasn't his strong point. Letting his mind drift Merlin didn't try to make conversation on the journey. A short enough journey, but now that he was paying attention he could feel the difference in his bones much sooner. Perhaps it was his magic recognising the reinforced wards, or just a familiar path, but this time he didn't have to concentrate to find the way when Gwaine asked him to take over. The glade was empty too, so Isildur had kept his word, relief flooded Merlin. He needed the break. Gwaine wouldn't demand he be Emrys to him, or that he be less than he was either. He felt more human with his friend; more real.
Dismounting gracelessly as his legs protested Merlin grabbed the coat and gauntlets and rested a hand against her neck, "Go on girl, stay close, there's clover that way."
Gwaine was standing with his arms folded, a pile of weapons and chainmail at his feet.
"So are you going to tell me what you're carrying or do I have to guess?"
"What? There's nothing."
"Just 'cause I can't see it doesn't mean it's not there mate. What are you holding?"
"Dammit Gwaine! Why? How did you not say anything before."
"Waiting till you couldn't pretend not to hear me, plus I'm assuming you had a reason to not want it seen somewhere else. It's not like you don't have experience in keeping things quiet for a reason and sharing what doesn't matter. Don't pout, I get it. The connection without the risk. Gets draining though, doesn't it. Not at first, but over time."
Merlin watched his friend warily, listening, "I'm not about to grab whatever it is mate, relax."
Nodding, Merlin exhaled heavily, "You're right. I never really let myself think about that part of 'after' it wasn't my secret alone, but it got heavier over time. Wasn't too bad at first, especially when there was Will back home, but when he was gone it was only Mum and Gaius. Alright, there is something I brought with me, but you have to promise not to laugh first, ok?"
Gwaine curiosity increased but he just raised a brow at Merlin "Now that it a promise I can't make mate, without knowing what I'm committing to. I will do my best, and if it's too funny I'll let you explain. Good enough?" Merlin snorted knowing it was as good as he was going to get from the rogue.
"Fine. Last night I was down in the vaults, and Lachlan showed me something, gave it to me, you're one of only four people- five- who know what I am, one can't know about this, one is in Ealdor, and I am not about to show Geoffrey things stolen from the vaults. Yet. Arthur is too fancy to ask an opinion of first; despite the similarities of initial exposure you are much more balanced. Gods it's painful to even say that." Merlin closed his eyes, not as painful as this he thought. He felt like bloody Morgana asking for opinions on clothes. "I'd appreciate your honest thoughts on these Gwaine." Deciding he might as well use the practice for more than fighting without magic Merlin opened his eyes first, looking at Gwaine as his eyes flashed gold, removing the concealment from the coat as he held it and the gauntlets out."
It took Gwaine under a minute to grasp their significance as he reached for them. "Bloody hell Merlin, why would I laugh? You got fed up wearing someone else's armour huh?"
"What?" Merlin's looked appalled, "No, I just- I mean it's a part of who I am and almost everything is gone, and Lachlan wanted me to take it, said it was his own."
"Oh I just bet he did. Merlin? What exactly did this ghost of yours say about these items?"
"That they weren't exactly magic but useful, only the Dragonlords wore them, they carried symbols of their Houses, and my Father's was lost. Seems he shortened his for the fun stuff."
"Riiiight." Gwaine smirked, "That's an unusual sort of cord in the lacing mate, I don't think I've seen it in use before."
"Gwaine!" Merlin bit out sharply. "Don't mess with me. Not about this." Gwaine cleared his throat and sobered, acknowledging Merlin's discomfort. "That cord there is priceless. They weren't only worn by Dragonlords because of the emblems or some petty rank thing, they can only ever be worn by a Dragonlord because they were gifts made by no standard human to be yours alone. There's no maker's mark because none was needed.
They are bound to your kin. You lot were strange, a part of two realms at the same time, straddling the worlds of men and magic. Creatures of the Old Religion yet mortal, they kept the little kings in balance here. This cord here is unicorn hair, and freely given I'd say or right now you'd be trying to incinerate it for the darkness. The coat itself might not be magic, but these were given as gifts to powerful men who were deemed worthy, it recognises magic. Your magic." Gwaine ran his hand along it and smiled, "High quality leather underneath, it's last a long time, well crafted, and the split here will still allow you to ride with some protection from the weather. I'd say that within the House symbols there are runes, intended to soak in the magic of the wearer like a sort of cocoon. It's empty, but you, you leak, going around you spill magic everywhere you go, hell Merlin, with your power, it'd be basically wearing a shield. You've been had mate. Dragonlord ghostie man was telling the truth about it, just not the whole truth, no wonder Uther kept it. I've only seen the technique used a couple of times, up North, and as far to the West as you can get before falling into the see. No idea how it works or why, only that it did, and the guy was a decent fighter. This sort of carving with that level of detailing on the dragons head and knotwork is done by a true master, I'd love to see what your House symbol is but this one is better than mine." Gwaine grinned at his friend, "Go on. Chuck the gloves over."
Merlin did, irritated the he hadn't pushed for better information last night, "Ok, can't tell you anything about these than the look warm and much comfier than anything I get these days. The druid you recognised can help much more."
"You actually see the drawbacks of raw steel?" Merlin shouldn't have been surprised he thought, of all of them it was Gwaine who had fought with little protection and survived long enough to get here, and Percival who fought sleeveless most of the time. Elyan might be a peasant but he was also a smith. His relationship with metal was unusual.
"Aye mate, I do. Less flexible, cold in winter, but not all of us have such effective long distance weaponry as you, They've plenty of attractions too, and I don't much fancy losing a hand. Now concentrate, coat on, and lets get those knives out. See if you can fight with that over a gambeson any better than full armour." Gwaine picked it up and shoved it towards a rather stunned looking Merlin. Fortunately slightly shocked Merlin was more cooperative than obstinate Merlin demanding answers so it didn't take as long as the knight expected and he followed the directions for stretching before trying anything challenging, Gwaine running through the basic warm up new knights did with him. Satisfied that Merlin wouldn't immediately tear something he nodded and crossed the clearing, unsheathing his own sword.
"Right, draw your knives, smoothly, quietly."
It was easier than the day before, but he could feel his muscles protesting as he used the same movements. "Good. Now come at me, try and land a hit."
Merlin paused, "What, just come at you, what if I hurt you."
Gwaine smirked. "Mate you're not allowed to use magic, trust me. I won't let you actually damage me. I just want to see what your skills really are when no-one is paying attention and you aren't hiding. Now go!" Huffing Merlin allowed that yes, without magic he probably didn't stand much of a chance against either Gwaine or Arthur in a fight between steel, and relaxed. Finding his centre, Merlin attacked. Gwaine blocked him easily, dancing out of reach when Merlin thought he had him. They continued in much the same way for what felt like hours to Merlin. Battling with magic might be tiring but it didn't usually hurt so much. Just as Merlin was trying to work out which way to fall and concede defeat Gwaine called a halt and directed him to sit, drink, and take a break. Sheathing his own weapon the man at next to the sprawled warlock.
"Alright, that was good, your footwork needs serious work, but you're fast, and starting to move with the knives not against them, that'll help with flow, actually dancing might help improve things. You leave yourself open too often, drawing back isn't actually natural to you is it? You are better at defense than offense with blades. Is it the same with your magic?" There was no accusation in Gwaine's voice, just the tone of enquiry of a tutor trying to gauge his students skills.
Merlin winced, "Not really. Magic is something that I don't have a huge variation in strength to weakness. Defensive and offensive are both equally good, healing is weaker, um, I can track, cast my mind I suppose, see what's ahead, but rarely have visions of the future, I try to avoid those. I don't like to kill with it, but have done. Far too many times. I prefer to knock people unconscious if they don't have a deep conviction to kill my friends."
"Are you the reason for our very enthusiastic, very loyal trees then?"
"Yeah."
"What about the frequent head injuries or unconscious collapse of certain knights."
"No, they do that all by themselves." Merlin shook his head chuckling. "Admittedly convenient in the past, but I'd really prefer you were all more careful. Head injuries are tricky. You can never be certain of the recovery with them, and damage can take time to show. No more, you hear me?" Merlin let the concern that he usually pushed away show.
"Yes dear." Gwaine rolled his eyes, voice dripping sarcasm.
Merlin's expression soured. "You lot really should be more careful you know. I've lost enough people already and Gwaine, I swear, I will drag you back from Avalon to kill you again myself if you recklessly get yourself killed for nothing."
Gwaine softened. "I promise that if I ever do leave you in that way too soon it will be for a very good reason, and you will be beside me or fighting for the same cause, OK? I won't promise you that I will not be reckless, or impulsive. We both know I can't stick to it; and I can't promise I won't die, but it will always be with you. Now stop with the mushiness before I am forced to punch you or do something equally physical to prove my manhood!"
Merlin shoved the man away, the seriousness dissipating. "Fuck, don't you dare punch me with those bloody metal gauntlets! It's you and I am not in hiding anymore, so you'll bloody regret trying."
Gwaine dropped a hand to his shoulder with a smile, "Come on, time for a dook in the river, and then we'll go back to face them all. I'll be waiting for you tonight. Who do you need to see before then?"
Merlin grimaced. "Lancelot. He's a good man, but the whole thing is rather complicated, and I don't know how much to explain."
His friend frowned seriously, "That it is. For now, leave my own story out of it, keep him focused; the man's a good defender and cares greatly for you. Anyone else?"
Merlin sighed, "I was hoping to see Lord Geoffrey but I think looking at the books first might be more efficient. Arthur needs some time to think without me present, and when I speak to the old man I want to be surer of myself and which questions I require the answers to. Easier to avoid mistakes and regrets that way. Arthur will need me for late duties, but after that I'm going home to do reading and to set the medicines for morning to steeping. When I've actually done more than glance at the books I'll call Kilgarrah, so tonight is free, or as free as I ever get. Are you going to tell me what you were doing with Gaius last night."
Gwaine's expression darkened. "Asking questions. He has suspicions about things, but I've made clear my policy regarding secrets. He suspects my parentage, but not that I am aware of it all; has concerns about my intentions towards you, and disliked my pointing out that you are an adult, and despite being an idiot, are no fool. Was willing to discuss some aspects of Camelot's history with me after some very specific questioning, it was worth doing. Why?"
"He was just- not different, but not what I was expecting this morning is all."
"Aye, I know. It's come as a bit of a shock to all of you in different ways. I think he'll at least be a bit distracted from your scheming with Arthur for a bit though."
"Should I ask?" Merlin raised an eyebrow, wondering what his friend had managed to pull this time.
"Not tonight. Tonight we rest. Fuck knows we deserve that much!"
Merlin nodded wanly, "Not to sound like some insecure kid, but would you mind staying tonight? My room's just not mine yet. Bed's big enough to share, or I can take the floor, but I'm alone enough, and I'd got used to coming home to someone. Not riveting conversation or delicious food, but having someone who didn't look through me or see a mere servant makes things more bearable, if you're interested in coming by some nights."
"You're no 'mere servant' Merlin, you never were, and frankly you make a terrible servant by nature, even they agree. The ones that don't idolise you fear you."
"Fear me?!"
"Well sure. You went out without weapons to face a dragon, have argued with all three royals, escaped the dungeons more times than some knights know you've been in there. You are a contradiction, and you always return. Not unscathed, but every time. Then you get back in the training field with a pissed off prince for you being missing knowing he'll beat you around the ring and try to cover up his relief you are still alive. You're a bit mad mate. There's all sorts of rumours about you pair, never mind who you're all fucking or not, the only thing that isn't suggested is magic, and I'm fairly certain it's because that's illegal."
"Gods Gwaine, how do you even know that?!" Gwaine grinned shark-like,
"Well Bertha in the kitchens is very talkative, and Fin doesn't do well with long silences, and Annie from the laundry is a bit in awe of you. Turns out some people believe I may be a little irresponsible with my pay and so more likely to place bets. Costs me, but an excellent source of information and gossip notes, don't you think?" Gwaine winked at him.
"You are diabolical. You know that?"
Gwaine shrugged. "Maybe; but diabolical and alive. Can't argue it doesn't work."
Privately Merlin agreed, but still growled, "And you have got to stop seducing the servants."
"Merlin, I have never engaged with anyone against their will and never will. Most servants are so used to nobles trying to take what isn't theirs it's novel to be invited, and they are far less shy with their own approaches than other people. I'll always respect folk's limits, but I'm not going to turn down an offer of a couple of warm nights with someone keen without a reason. Not really the type for taking a wife, am I?"
Merlin raised a brow, "I thought you were the type for 'do they have a pulse?' actually. Didn't know you had a screening process, though you certainly manage to glean information very usefully."
Gwaine looked aggrieved, "'Course I do. Everyone has a screening procedure. Mine's no-one looking for the happily ever after I can't offer. No one who'll actually love me, I need the element of danger and know it. Calm doesn't suit me; and I never really stopped moving until Camelot- not as an adult anyway. Wasn't so much an option before, and it was either someone who was only looking for a tumble, or someone who'd run with me. Not many folk happy to do that without a full plan."
Merlin groaned, "Aye. Well, I always did think escape plans were overrated."
"Nooo, you preferred escape unexpected explosions or fires!"
Merlin was only mildly surprised now when Gwaine let things slip, "That was one time Gwaine!"
"You were pissed at the pair of us for butting heads and not seeing you. I hadn't expected to see you both there. Just as well they'd no fucking idea who you were or things would have been far messier and you'd have been better guarded."
"Being captured is never part of any plan."
Gwaine looked at Merlin disbelievingly, "Ok, so no good plan includes being captured by the enemy."
"Uhuh. Better. We never did thank you for that fire though, and should have, after all, without that we'd all have been 'pushing up daisies' was it? Not enough to satisfy even her ladyship."
Merlin cringed, "Dammit. Do you think she'd notice if I cheated?"
Gwaine paused, "Well I suppose that depends on whether she knows you have magic or not."
"No. Not yet anyway."
"Then as a one off I can't see any reason not to, you're simply prioritising orders from the king over hers."
The warlock sighed, "I'm not sure where they stand on that right now. Once it was clear, and I could more or less assume Arthur's support for Gwen's demands or instructions, with her caring for Uther they were spending more time together- at least before this.
Lancelot makes things untidy. I don't know how to deal with this one, they all have their reasons, frankly I've no idea what Gwen wants anymore, and I'm not sure she knows either. Did you know she used to fancy me? Morgana even tried to encourage that. Weird in some ways but she was well acquainted with Court rules. When she was married off to whoever was useful she could probably take her maids, no guarantee, but then they'd belong not to her but her husband. She cared enough back then not to want that for Gwen. Arthur and Gwen have stability and potential, and she and Lance have chemistry and a shared understanding of life from growing up and living as peasants. It's what she expected for life."
"You never pursued her or took the offer?" The knight looked honestly curious but without any visible opinion.
Merlin snorted, "Too many lies to keep track of Gwaine, and as you said, danger. They had to be ready to run, always, anyone I warmed. Gwen had too many ties here, was too honest, and for your ears only, I grew up a real bastard. Not some fancy king's half-breed, an honest to gods afterthought, unwelcome to all but mum, and stopping her from finding someone else to love her. We almost starved too many winters and she went without before I was old enough to understand and refuse her rations. I can't risk doing the same to some innocent girl. Or child, however unintentionally. They'd inherit my talents, one way or another on top of the usual stigma. I was born with a price on my head, no fault of my parents really but it isn't a burden I'd want to saddle someone else with."
Gwaine nodded slowly, knowing that Merlin wasn't big on sharing things about his past for good reason, "Makes sense, you're a better man than many." Merlin grunted something like acknowledgement and avoidance. "Hmm. Do we know what Lance wants."
Merlin sighed deeply, "Yes." He wished he didn't. Ignorance would truly be bliss in this.
"Ah. What about Princess?"
It was a risky question Gwaine thought. He'd never interfered between Merlin and Arthur, most of the time they seemed to him like brothers, but then every so often there would be intense looks or 'moments' that didn't seem very brotherly. Whatever they were Merlin currently was the person closest to the Prince, first to see him in the morning, last at night, and when the man took a wife, as every king must it would be difficult for them both to adjust.
"Fuck knows. It was her, I think it's still her, but they are less firey together than before. Quieter. He still needs someone sensible, cool headed to balance him out. Gwen provides that."
Gwaine nodded, "Plus she is already on the council of the round table and she's familiar with Camelot. Convenience."
The warlock frowned, "Not really, It would be going against the fundamental class system and ranks that have been followed for generations. Look, I've met most of the princesses around here and served them, and there's not a single one so far that's safe and sane. No more mad-women in the crown of Camelot thanks. One is more than enough."
"Please tell me you are talking about the Witch."
Merlin glared. "Hell yes, who else?"
"No one," Gwaine replied too quickly. "So you think Gwen should be Queen with Princess?"
Merlin pressed his lips together, "I think that they should be allowed to choose who they want, not have to try and jump through ridiculous hoops, and wed to please a bunch of fusty old men who it doesn't really effect. Uther has tried to force both his kids into what would have been deeply unhappy unions, even the ones where killing them wasn't the intent, and prohibited more. It shouldn't matter what life a man was originally born to. Though I'm also against marrying as young as is common in some places, and less concerned than some about specific combinations."
"Can't argue with any of that. If we could, I'd vote for you to be king. Or law maker. Those there are laws I could get behind."
Merlin chuckled, "You would. All we have to do now is convince them to instate voting as a part of life outwith the council."
Gwaine sniggered, "I'm sure we could persuade them."
"Fuckoff, there's no way. I'll be casting elaborate, colourful spells in the great hall legally before they accept voting or democracy. Or any of the other 'ocracies' in Geoffrey's books."
"Almost definitely, I mean that is the plan, isn't it." Gwaine stated calmly.
Merlin tilted his head, seeming distracted, "I suppose, it's just that I'm so used to working in the shadows, what if I can't do what is necessary openly? What if losing the advantage of surprise means our defeat? What if Arthur sees, I mean really sees what I can do and changes his mind?"
Gwaine groaned, "Merlin, you've told him honestly about this, you haven't lied and told him it's not dangerous or can't be used in battle, you've already confessed to having blood on your hands like we do. Princess can be a self absorbed prick about many things but he knows the complications that come with power, and having to make decisions that affect others. He knows the making mistakes is inevitable, even with advice- which you did not have the benefit of. Kilgarrah might be wise and experienced, but he lacks a human perspective which you must wrestle with, and Gaius...well… He will forgive you. Prince Arthur murdered my brat of a half brother, which complicated things, but he was too young to know his full options. He brought famine and drought on his people, and you know that had long term, unfixable consequences. So does he. Men and women like you pair have greater triumphs and greater regrets than small ones like me. He is not going to change his mind. Your refusal to claim it's all harmless and benign is actually a point in favour of trusting you."
"Oh gods, Gwaine, there's something horrifying in the vaults that I really wasn't expecting."
"Well yeah, of course there is." Gwaine frowned, "What is it exactly?"
"No idea. That's the problem. A curse with blood magic set by a high priestess who must now be dead."
"Riiiight, aye, that's not good news, blood curses never are. How do you know she's dead though."
Merlin sighed, "Because it's been there a long time and when I killed Nimue she was the last High Priestess."
"Ah; and now you are caught in the trap of self doubt." Gwaine tried not to roll his eyes.
The warlock closed his eyes in frustration, "I just don't know where to start with this one."
Gwaine opted for being the calm voice this time. "Well, start with prioritising. Is it harming Arthur?"
"No, not as far as I can judge."
"Alright. Then it comes behind you doing some personal research about your history and learning important skills to meet the Catha with. Then you speak to them about complex blood magic and rituals, if rumours are correct then they'll be better able to help than the Druids, and less intimidated by you, if only slightly. Then you won't accidentally fuck it up, and they're oath bound to serve the dragonlords until the appearance of Emrys, their loyalties won't be split."
Merlin remained silent until Gwaine draped an arm around him and squeezed a shoulder and he let go of a breath he hadn't realised he was holding, "Thanks. Really, thank you, for everything."
"Nothing to thank me for mate, it's what friends do, or so some idiot in the wind taught me."
Merlin snorted softly, "You should stop taking instruction from idiots, it's bad for you."
"Depends on the idiot I guess." Gwaine grinned at him, disturbed when he saw the darkness settle in his friend's eyes.
"Maybe. I'm bad for people though."
Gwaine rolled his eyes and nudged him, "Nah, you just attract the type who seek out danger all by themselves. You think I didn't make my own enemies all these years? Hell, even Lance has those."
Merlin bit his lip wondering if he should speak or not, but so far the results had in general been positive, at least with this man. "Will didn't."
His face was easy for Gwaine to read, "He was your best friend, huh?"
"Aye. My first friend. Only friend for a long time." sighed Merlin. He had avoided talking about Will's loss even with Gaius, and his own personal tragedy had been overshadowed for the others in Camelot by other things.
"I bet he was the only other adrenaline junky in the village and you both goaded each other into more extreme actions and riskier pranks. He knew about you, didn't he?" Gwaine smirked,
"Sounds like you met him on your travels."
"Nope. Wasn't lucky enough. We make our own choices, even when tangled in destiny, Will knew what he was choosing. It was a calculated decision, he just decided that you were worth the risk. Think Merlin, did it seem like he regretted it?"
He shrugged guiltily, "No. Not as much as he should have, but he was scared at the end."
"All men are; it's the moment you realise how deeply alone you are and who you never told goodbye. It doesn't mean they'd make different choices. He was young, wasn't he?"
Tears pricked at the corner of Merlin's eyes, "Aye. Too young. We all were. I was supposed to be there alone, not with the others." His voice was thick with the memory.
Gwaine sighed, wishing his friend had spoken to someone in all the years he'd been in Camelot about things that truly mattered. "You'd have done the same for him, wouldn't you."
Merlin answer was instant, "Yeah. If I'd known."
The knight nodded, squeezing a shoulder again. "So respect his choice and his courage. It wasn't you who killed him, or his knowing about you that cost him his life or it would have been much earlier, yeah? How many risks did he take daily? You seek it out instinctively Merlin, people like that, so does Princess. If you were afraid then he would never have kept you around by choice. If danger didn't attract you then you'd never have been in the tavern to meet me, or have followed him on quests. Leon wouldn't have got to know you, Morgana would have fallen sooner to the darkness- don't think I'm buying that was an overnight thing, or that you withdrew the moment she made decisions that endangered you. You have to let go of the guilt that is not yours to carry."
"You make it sound so simple." Merlin's smile was laced with a bitterness that hurt Gwaine's heart. "It is. Not to let go of guilt or regret for choices you have made, or the learning and memory of people, but you can't carry all of it, and those that were never your responsibility or fault."
"You have so much faith in me. In us." The warlock's tone reflected his awe and fear of it.
"'Course I do. What else should I have faith in if I can't trust you pair?"
"I don't deserve it Gwaine. What if- what if we fail?" Gwaine looked at the barely disguised agony in his friend's face, "Then we will go down fighting, leaving legends in our wake to inspire men through the ages to stand for justice and fight for what is right. Don't you think you're getting out of writing those either, I expect my name to be remembered mate. If you don't I'll have to come back and haunt your ass until you do it." He winked but Merlin heard the sincerity in his first words. Something inside him loosened as his friend gave him tacit permission to be less than some demigod, to try his hardest and fight to the last breath, but to be fallible.
No one had ever actually done that before. Certainly not since he was named Emrys. The figure of prophecy was meant to instinctively know how to fix everything, always on a tight time limit. He hadn't even been an adult when than had been demanded of him without warning, and even Gaius hadn't really accepted that he was both Emrys and 17 and what that meant. It seemed like there had been a mistake, some malfunction with the prophecies for what was expected, but this was what the goddess had presented as a solution, so they'd just have to work something out together.
"Come on, we'll be late if we dither any more, and I owe you a proper soaking for yesterday."
They were slightly late back, but not enough for Arthur to comment given his own preoccupation.
"How is Leon?" Asked Merlin quietly when they were finally alone in a shielded room.
"Conflicted, but not because of what you might first think." Arthur sighed. "Sir Leon has been a knight for a long time Merlin. He has hunted many people, and brought many to what was called 'justice'. It seems he has had doubts for a long time, but he also had orders, and family to protect. Leon is not in disagreement with me and will support us, but he is not ready to know all of it yet. There are years of memories, and nightmares that will come for him first. He must find a way to make his own peace with that, however fragile, before I give him completely opposing orders.
The understanding that this persecution was wrong does not come without cost for men like Leon, and he is...broken tonight. He had already begun quietly overlooking the druids after being healed in their camp and seeing more clearly than I did. I will bring him into a meeting with the more aware members of the round table when he has had a little time to come to terms with his actions and the implications. Leon is loyal to me Merlin, he will not betray us, but to throw you in his face right now would be cruel. If he works it out himself then don't lie, but I'd prefer to give him a couple of days grace before putting a face and identity to our victims. That's not to say they should not be real, only that it would be overwhelming. The only reason I haven't caved under it is because I am almost king and have been raised to deal with similar pressures. Leon has not. Neither were you, but you are very different people, thankfully. Anyway, how was training today? You look terrible."
Merlin rolled his eyes and groaned, "Painful; but you knew that already. I'm like one giant walking bruise, I'm aching in places I didn't know I had, and I can't believe I let you talk me into this in the first place. Bloody sadist." He appreciated Arthur keeping him out of the discussion with his First Knight, he liked Leon, he really did, but that didn't mean he was ready to deal with even more attention within Camelot.
Arthur grinned at him, "I did, I just wanted to hear it from you, and nope, there's no blood. Yet. Gwaine's being careful. Thorough, but careful. I'm almost disappointed, but I suppose it does maintain your capacity to function as my servant, you really can't afford to become any less efficient."
The warlock smirked over at his employer, "He seems to think he's not allowed to break your toys."
Arthur leaned back against the table, "Funny, I'm sure I remember giving him explicit permission, encouragement even, to train you properly and not skimp on the effective lessons."
"Effective." Merlin said flatly.
"You don't have much time, pain is effective to train your instinctive physical response faster than if we do it without consequences." Arthur said seriously.
"If I didn't know better I'd think you like seeing me hurt sire." Merlin narrowed his eyes.
Arthur sighed. "I enjoy sparring and throwing each other around, but your pain is only amusing when I know there is no actual risk to your wellbeing and safety, alright. Tell me you don't enjoy watching me fall on my ass on occasion or sport bruises from certain less wise decisions." He raised a brow in challenge and Merlin reluctantly acknowledged that yes, there were occasions he found his friend's pain hilarious; but only ever when he was safe in reality. "Fine. You're still a prat." He was, after all, trying to give up direct lying.
"And you are still a dollophead, but now you'll be a dollophead with better survival instinct, because clearly you have been missing those for years."
Merlin hesitated before answering, "Arthur… Thank you. For being my friend, through all of this chaos. For not forcing things we're neither of us ready to hear, and being willing to ask bigger questions. The whole fucking world changed around us and you haven't. That means more than I'll ever be able to explain. I should go before it's too late to cover the medical rounds, will you need me further tonight sire?" This time he spoke respectfully and it unbalanced Arthur, as it always did when Merlin spoke with deference.
"Um, no, I believe you have other remaining tasks to complete which I granted more importance, I am sure the George will suffice for one night. I expect you at the usual time tomorrow."
Merlin smiled, it still surprised him to be allowed the time required for all of the other jobs he had to do, mere weeks ago he'd still have had to do the extra, he just wouldn't have had the time allotted for it.
"Thanks Arthur. I'll wake you in time, no more dull brass jokes than absolutely necessary. No promises about casual violence after what you pair have inflicted on me. The wrath of Emrys is feared throughout Albion and beyond, don't you know?"
The Prince shrugged, not looking the slightest bit intimidated,"Please, you've had worse without whining and we both know it; which by the way I expect you to show me and explain one day, when you are ready. I don't like the look of some of those scars Merlin, I'm no healer, but I know a near fatal wound when I see one, and I was wondering after this afternoon's discussion with Lord Geoffrey if those were not a major cause of your random days or weeks off. Oh, don't panic. I haven't expressed any judgement of Leon for his augmented healing, and clearly I've benefited from the same, I can hardly chastise you for using it, especially while unconscious. Our archivist explained the lack of control that can occur for certain types of magic users in such situations." He looked incredulously at Merlin, "Why you didn't run from this city the first time that happened I've no clue."
"Well, if I was going to scare easily and run it should have been the first day, I arrived the day of an execution."
"Aaaand you decided to unpack and stay?"
"I was really hungry, and I couldn't exactly go back to Ealdor." There were many reasons for that but he wasn't about to explain those to prat. "I see. One more insanity point for the Merlin scale then. Have you eaten anything today?" Merlin frowned guiltily.
"A couple of apples after training, plenty of water though." He retrieved the first two books he needed to begin his research when he did get home.
Arthur sighed wearily. "Consider this an order then. You are going to speak to Sir Lancelot, as we agreed, then you are to return to your chambers and consume at least two chunks of bread, with cheese and several slices of the boiled ham the cook has put aside. If you do not, I shall have Gwaine go twice as hard on you tomorrow, pain or no pain, and you will regret not taking care of yourself in ways so basic that a three year old would understand. I will not have you fading away and causing my people cast aspersions on my care of my own household. I cannot exactly expect them to trust me to care for a whole kingdom if one of my own is going hungry, and you are too noisy, unsubtle to go unnoticed." Arthur managed to make the whole thing sound like he was personally offended and not once admit he cared.
It raised a smile as Merlin took comfort in the familiarity amongst all of the upheaval as he replied sarcastically, "Yes sire, wouldn't dream of disgracing you by swooning like a maid in tight laces. Goodnight Arthur."
"Goodnight." The man didn't look up as the door to his chambers swung closed but he didn't need to. After years of such proximity the two men understood each other well enough not to need to be looking to know the other's expression.
Arthur doubted he'd be getting much sleep that night, he knew Leon wouldn't. He'd understated Leon's reaction to Merlin intentionally as he couldn't fix the past, and Merlin had his own nightmares. No need to add those of the 'other side' too.