My Beautiful Disaster.

Chapter Thirty-Five.

She thought he was being stupid. She could see what he was thinking, and she could see what he was going to do. That didn't mean she agreed with it, though. She could tell by the way he was acting that he didn't exactly believe in the idea himself. Edward was up and walking now, slowly than normal, but at least it was something. She knew this was an improvement, but she wouldn't let herself hope for more. Eventually, it would all go downhill, and there would be no improvements.

Today was Thursday. Today was the day when Edward would see Bella. Alice had watched him, and it was clear he was jittery with nerves - and not the good kind. He would walk around the kitchen in circles, his eyes to the floor and his mind full of worries. And when she finally got a glimpse into the eyes that reminded her so much of her mothers, she saw the pain that this decision was putting him through.

She thought it was wrong. He thought she had no clue about what he was going to do, but she knew more than he thought. Alice was always right. She had a way of knowing, and she knew exactly what he had planned. She didn't believe it was the right decision for him, but she could see his way of thinking. He didn't want Bella to go through more pain than she had to. He wanted her to have the world, and unfortunately, he himself wouldn't be able to give it to her any longer. That was what pained him the most.

She knew he'd regret what he was going to do. He'd wake up the next morning feeling like he had nothing left to live for. But she wouldn't say 'I told you so'. There were many ways to look at the situation they were in, and this was just one of the ways of following through and not dragging the woman he loved with him. She wanted him to be happy. But his decisions would do the complete opposite.

She wasn't sure of how Bella would react. She wasn't as easy to read as the others, but when she was in front of you she was a open book. Alice wouldn't be there when Edward was with her. It wouldn't be fair to intrude on their time together. Bella might cry, she might nod, or she might fight. Alice thought the last option was the most plausible. Bella was stubborn and she never gave up on any idea that had a bit of life in it yet. That was Alice's idea of her, anyway.

Edward had watched the clock the entire day, ever since he had woken up, his chest quite painful. She'd found him sitting at the table looking out of the window into the garden, the grass sparkling from the showers of rain they had had during the night. It had caused her to panic, seeing him in such a state, and in the same position as he had been a few days before, when he had fainted. What made it worse was that he wasn't really talking. She couldn't gauge anything from the one word answers he was persistent on giving. He just sat, with his eyes glazed over in a look of sheer emotional pain. It hurt her even to think about it.

The hours had ticked by at a slow pace. He had moved to the living room now, placing himself firmly on the couch to refrain from pacing in the room. For one thing, Carlisle had asked him to rest as much as possible as he would find his strength going down as the disease took over. So he simply sat and looked at the clock on the wall, watching as four o'clock drew nearer. It made Alice on edge, waiting for the inevitable.

He had watched the hour hand tick by and soon enough it came nearer and nearer to four. Alice went upstairs and grabbed her bag and coat, wishing to be out of the house before Bella arrived. This was something Edward needed to do in private, and she wasn't going to stand around and watch her brother make one of the biggest mistakes of his life; even if it was of the best in his eyes.

She swung around the corner, coming back into the room before leaving. She took a few moments to watch her brother, and she could tell Edward knew this. Every time she looked at him now she analysed him. Was he thinner that day? Did he look any better? Did it look like he'd had enough rest? She sighed, wrapping her scarf around her neck. That was the way it would be nowadays, as she couldn't stop worrying for him.

She went up to him, placing a hand on his shoulders, and watched him flinch slightly. She wasn't the only one of edge it seemed. "I'm going now. I was asked to go early to choir, so… yeah. Will you be okay?"

Edward just nodded. He didn't want to talk.

She leant down and pressed a kiss to his cheek. She sighed, still nothing. She turned, muttering another goodbye, before turning around at the door. She ran a hand through her hair, before she began. "Bella really loves you, Edward. Anyone can see that. The last thing you want to do is hurt her, and I get that, but I also know that Bella will stand by you through anything. Please, just… don't do something you'll regret."

And then she left, the door slamming back as it closed.

-.-.-

I had never seen my mother so happy. When she first came to my door, there had been so much pain in her eyes it had been hard to watch. Over time, thankfully, it had become to ease as she took on a normal lifestyle and made new friends. However, it was easy to see that the hurt had now disintegrated, and that was all down to my father.

They say that once you love someone, a part of you will always love them. But not many people get to be with the same person twice, and feel the same connection each time. When Charlie and Renee had first been together, their feelings had been intense and the passion had been too much to hold. Over the few years they were together the passion and intense feelings seemed to ease into almost nothing, but a love they shared for one another remained lurking in the shadows. Now, years on, and a lot of experiences behind them, they had found that the love they once shared was still there and still strong enough to grow a lasting relationship on. What they had now wouldn't be as easy to let go as it was beforehand. They were together now, and I'm pretty sure they're in it forever.

At least that's what I can tell from seeing my mother. She glows now with a new happiness I had always hoped for her - even when she wasn't here a part of my still wondered and hoped she was happy. And she is so much more like the woman I used to know. I haven't seen my father, since my mother is caring for him almost twenty-four-seven now, but I'm guessing he's feeling the exact same as my mother. That's what love does to you. It changes you into something you never thought you'd be, but you love it all the same because the person you love has brought that out in you.

God, I miss Edward.

It had felt like years since I had been with him, truly been with him, again. In truth it had been almost a week, give and take a few days, since I had caught him in the grocery store. Sure, it was lovely to see him, and shopping with him by my side felt the most natural thing in the world - it made me wonder if we would be doing that in years to come. But I wanted more. I wanted to be able to go to his house, or have him to come to mine, and just be with him the entire day. I wanted to go somewhere with him and let it just be us. I wanted to be close to him in a number of ways, and let myself soak in his wonderful presence. Truth was, he'd spoilt me by letting us be together for a whole three days with no-one else around, and I felt myself hungry for something like that again.

But, thankfully, I wouldn't have to wait long. Today was Thursday and I had arranged to come and see him at his house before going to one of the final rehearsals before next weeks Christmas show. I can hardly believe it's December; it feels like it has gone so quickly, yet it feels like I've been with Edward much longer than from September. I guess love makes all concepts of time disappear.

It hadn't seemed that long ago since I had joined the choir and befriended Alice, either. I couldn't wait for the concert, yet knowing I had to sing a solo was eating away at my nerves. It was a surprise, and no-one had been told with the exception of the choir members - hence Alice knowing - and I couldn't wait to see everyone I care about watching. It felt like it was one of the steps on the ladder I had to take in pursuing my dream. Sure, the crowds I was performing in front of made me nervous, but I hoped the excitement for the evening would overlook that.

At that moment Renee came down the stairs, taking me from my thoughts. She looked at me and smiled with so much happiness it made my smile in return. She walked over to the table and grabbed her jacket, pulling it over her shoulders. "Good morning, honey. Where are you off to today?"

Bella shrugged, grabbing her jacket as well and taking her bag in hand. "I'm off to see Edward, and then I'm going for the evening rehearsal for the choir. I won't be home until late, so you can let yourself in with the key, right?"

Renee blushed. "Um… I don't know if I'll be back tonight."

I shot her a quizzical look. I'd never really seen my mother doing the late night party scene, yet as I spent more time with her I began to realise how she was stuck in her twenties and I wouldn't put this past her. I shrugged. "Okay, then. Where are you going?"

Renee looked down, fumbling about in her back amongst some clothes she had stuffed in. "Well, you see, I'm cooking Charlie dinner and if things go well---"

I held up a hand in protest. "Stop! Don't go any further. I get the gist."

Renee laughed and she looked younger than I ever thought she could have. Love was changing her, it seemed, in the looks department too. No wonder my father was in love with her again. "Alright, too much information, I get it. All I'm saying is, I'm sure you've done it with Edward."

A blush rose in my cheeks. "Mum!"

She held her hands up in defence, and then walked into the hall heading for the front door, with my following her out. "Okay, I'm leaving now. I'll see you when I see you, okay?"

I nodded, smiling. "Okay." Thank God this conversation was nearly over.

I jumped into the car and she leant over the open window; she would be walking, it seemed. She kissed my cheek and I grinned up at her. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!" She called as she waved me off.

I suddenly wasn't sure about what my mother wouldn't do…

----

When she got to Edward's house all the blinds were closed, and the house looked quite dark. It seemed… lacking in some way. Like all the energy had been sucked out of it all - and that surprised her as surely Alice had enough energy to power most of the USA. But it seemed saddened, and she hoped it was just her imagination going wild.

Bella stepped out of the car, hearing the door slam behind her and she flicked her hand over her shoulder, locking it with the button and hearing that reassuring beep. She walked up the few steps, a sense of dread saturated her stomach. She was unsure of why.

Bella knocked on the door, hearing nothing for a few seconds, before she tried again, albeit a little harder and the lock loosened enough to let her in. Not only was this dangerous, and a little scary (anyone who had hit hard enough could have come in); it seemed so out of place for the Cullens. Alice definitely wouldn't have left the door unlocked. Would Edward have been so unprepared? Whatever it was, the door swung back as she pushed and she let herself in, her heels on the laminate flooring crashing through the silence.

After shutting the door she turned around to face the empty looking home. It looked as if no-one lived here at all. It was dark, with the only light being the streams of sun which came through the little windows in the door. She hugged her jacket closer to her frame, walking forward and trying to ignore the uncomfortable feeling wrapping itself around her.

She shivered. "Hello? Edward?" She called, her voice seeming more high-pitched than normal. She felt uneasy. What was going on?

"In the living room, Bella." Edward's voice came through her thoughts, only a whisper. If she hadn't been paying attention she would have lost the sound. She tiptoed forward, pushing open doors in her haste to see the man she loved.

She walked into the room and froze.

Who was this man? He was Edward, but only a shell of the man she had known. He currently sat on the couch, his head bent over, and the light in the corner highlighted the hollowness of his cheeks and the sickly pale colour of his skin. She looked at him more closely, taking in his weak form. Gone were the muscles she had loved to touch and feel them tense under her fingertips. He was skin and bone now. Had it really been that long since she had last saw him? This change couldn't have taken control in under a week - that was impossible!

Other than Edward's heavy breaths the room was silent. The whole house was silent. There was none of Jasper's laughter. None of Rosalie's sarcastic jibes. None of Alice's tinkering footsteps. And definitely the feeling of love had gone. What a devastating transformation.

She inched closer to him, watching him flinch with ever step she took. She hated the way he was reacting to her. What had she done wrong? As she got closer she knelt to the floor beside him, feeling his body heat bounce off her. She reached out to take hold of his face and turn it fully towards her, but as soon as she got close enough to touch he jerked away. She was left frozen, and unwanted. Tears stung her eyes, but she kept them at bay.

She let her hands fall to the floor. "Where's Alice?" was the only question she could form. She didn't want to question him just yet, leaving them for when they would really be needed. A small part of her hoped that he wasn't pushing her away.

"She went to choir early." Edward only gave her a short, quick answer. His voice was monotone, with no feeling at all. He was nothing anymore, only a mask of bone.

She held her breath as she tried again, reached out to him to press her lips to his forehead, but he inched away, scooting up the couch as he went. Could he not hear her heart breaking with every advance he shot down? That feeling of undeniable pain shot through her again and she almost whimpered. She would not go back to the days when she felt nothing and hid herself from the world. She would get to the bottom of this problem, but it was clear she would have to be gentle.

She rocked back on her heels, trying to ignore the numb feeling in her feet. She looked down to the floor. "What's wrong, Edward? Why are you doing this?"

It was a simple question. Yet no answer was give to her. She looked up at him with her tears threatening to fall. Where had her Edward gone? The love and passion in his eyes, the spark she'd felt around him, everything. The silence was eerie around her and blanketed her, threatening to not let her go.

Then Edward broke the silence with a sentence that made her heart clench in pain.

"I can't love you anymore."

She felt all the air sucked from her and she couldn't breathe. Her brain was clouded with haze and nothing seemed to make sense. Where was this coming from? Surely he didn't mean it! He was having a rough day, he'd woken up on the wrong side of the bed. They could ix whatever was wrong and go back to the way things were before, when they had been on Isle Esme, and when everything between them had been perfect.

She knotted her hands together to stop them from shaking. "You don't mean that, Edward. You can't."

He didn't' give her a proper reply.

He only repeated his previous words: "I can't love you anymore, Bella."

Suddenly she couldn't take the feeling of being away from him anymore. She didn't care if she was shoved away, she just needed to touch the skin of the person who used to love her. She felt something overpower her, like a volcanic eruption inside of her, the lava running, shooting through her veins. She would not take his idiotic statements for answers anymore.

She reached out and grabbed his hands. "Don't do this to me, Edward! What has happened to you!' He jerked his hands from her grasp, scouring into the corner of the couch. She ran her hands through her hair, tears streaming now. 'Is it something I've done? I'm sorry that I haven't been spending time with you; my mother needed me. So why is it when everything turns right for her and Charlie you decided to put problems on us.' She reached for him again, wrapping her arms around his bony frame. 'Quit pushing me away, Edward. I'm here for you. I'll fix what I've done."

He sighed heavily, and as if he had no strength left his picked up her arms limply and pressed them to her own sides, before he moved from his position on the couch and walked slowly to the window. When he spoke his voice was hoarse. "It isn't you, Bella. It's me. I don't want you to love me anymore."

"That's impossible, and you know it! How can you even think something like that?! You are it for me. I want you and only you. The love I have for you - the love we share, Edward - it can't be pushed to the side.' She wiped her tears with her shaking hands. 'You can't honestly think I can leave you, do you?"

He refused to look at her. "You have to. Please, just go."

Bella couldn't stand being around him anymore. She got up, wrapping her jacket around her even more in comfort, ignoring the wet marks her tears had made on the fabric. She wiped her eyes furiously. "Okay then, Edward, I will go. But if you think for one minute that this is it between us, you're wrong."

Edward turned to her then, his eyes catching hers for the first time that evening. As they shared that moment, one full of pain - physical and emotional - the other full of confusion and tears, Edward let one inch of his barrier down, and let his eyes show that he didn't want this, but he had to do it. "Don't fight it, Bella. It's the way it's mean to be."

This only confused her more. What the hell was he talking about, she thought. She looked at him again, trying to gauge anything from him, but the moment seemed to have gone. He turned back to the window and looked back into the night, as if searching for something, anything to save him.

"I can't love you anymore; I won't let myself. Therefore I don't want you to love me anymore. That's final." He said with as much finality as his could.

She picked up her bag and went to the door, before turning, and even though Edward couldn't see her properly, his could see her fuzzy form in the glass of the window and a strange sense of déjà vu took over him. "August this year, I went through so much pain Edward. And why was that? Because I had lost you. What I felt for you then doesn't even compare to what I fell now. So if you think I'm going to let you go, you've got another thing coming."

And then, just as Alice had only an hour before, she left slamming the door shut.

-.-.-

Alice could tell her brother had broken up with Bella as soon as she walked into the hall that evening. She was earlier than Alice had expected. She walked up to her, taking her coat off and dumping her bag at the side, already looking over the music sheets. Her tear streaked face stared at the page, willing itself to pick up the notes. She hadn't uttered a word since she had got here.

Alice put a hand on her shoulder. "Did he…"

Bella nodded. "Yes. He did." Alice could tell it was taking all her strength not to cry.

"And what are you going to do about it?"

Bella looked back at her, a new determination in her eyes. "Well, I'm sure as hell not going to let him leave me. I've lived without him once and that was absolute hell. I'm not going through that again."

Alice smiled at her. She knew Bella would fight for the love she held for Edward.

Would Edward be willing to fight, too?

A/N; Please don't hate me. And don't hate Edward either. He's doing what he thinks is right - just like he did in "New Moon" - and we all know that his decisions in "New Moon" weren't the right ones…

I actually updated when I said I would! Look out for a new chapter soon.

PLEASE REVIEW!

-xlovestory.