Another fandom is entering! Aren't I terrible? Still, the plot will make sense, however, and I'm shortening the list of really, really important characters.
This fic no longer follows real time. Until I say otherwise, Wolf and co. remain the age they are now.
Hey, this chapter is really sp[ecial, alright? Thanks to that glitch, this is the first time I've ever updated in Disney World! Yay!
Disclaimer: Wolf doesn't own Star Wars, TMNT, Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy VII, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, Power Rangers, Hercules, Billy Madison, The Princess Bride, K-Mart, Aunt Jemima, the Cubs, Spam, Dr. Pepper, Starbucks, Buffalo Wild Wings, or any of the songs/music artists referenced in this story.
Can I shorten the disclaimer and just say I own nothing except Wolf, Fuchsia/Melinda, Demetri, Orion, and Myst?
Chapter Thirty-Eight: Sephie's Mom Has Got It Goin' On
Unless you were referring to the gangsters by the same name, Mikey had never seen a purple dragon before. Needless to say, his first spotting of one scared the shell out of him.
"HOLY COW!" he screeched, hopping onto Raph's back as he whimpered in fear. Nemesis busted up laughing, Waffle snickered, Luna smiled dreamily, and Snape rolled his eyes as Orion landed down on the front lawn with a heavy thud.
Leo offered the dragon a bow, and Don marveled at Orion's purple scales, much like the shade of his ninja mask. Orion brought his eyes to everyone's level. Oh, goody! Lunch!
The sound came out of his voice box, and Mikey yelped again and shirked away, running madly to the mansion door.
"Okay..." Don trailed.
"So why're we here?" Raph interrogated Snape, Luna, Mara, Waffle, Nemesis, and Orion.
Everyone looked toward Snape in tandem, because naturally the oldest person present would hold the answers. And we all know that Snape is ancient. Snape huffed as he explained, "Solo and Organa are planning to invite less than...savory people to their wedding, and they both pleaded for me to attempt to set up some sort of barrier blocking all violence that promises major injuries or death. Miss Lovegood was the only other person I found who could assist-" he curled his lip in distaste, and Luna continued to whistle "Hakuna Matata". "I invited you all to take charge in case the curse backfires dramatically."
Nemesis raised her hand cheekily. "Wouldn't that backfire on us as well?"
"Snape told me earlier it's a risk he's willing to take," Luna replied nonchalantly to the others, causing them to blanch.
Orion snickered, and Waffle elbowed him in his vulnerable gut. "It's not funny!"
When you're me, everything is funny, the dragon retorted.
"That includes helium balloons!"
Orion gaped, which was a strange expression for a dragon. How do you know about that? Rather than answer the dragon, Waffle smiled and headed for the door, which was too short for Orion, the poor unfortunate soul.
"Now then," Snape continued, ignoring Orion's gasp of incredulity. "Mara, you have ways of communicating with the others, right? This spell is highly experimental, and could cause more havoc than when Potter and Weasley had those blasted pixie stix."
"Yes," Mara responded, grasping a rather unusual device. It had been a Christmas gift from Obi-Wan. "I'm very wary about using it, though, especially without the others around..."
Snape waved her off. "Now, let us continue." He and Luna aimed their wands at the sky, which made little sense since they were trying to protect the mansion, not the fluffy clouds in the sky. "Subsisto morsus!" In unison, sparkly jets of light billowed into the sky; a flash of light temporairily blinded the group.
Moments later, the light subsided, and they took their time adjusting their eyes. Orion peered at them all. Well, there's one way to find out if it worked!
"AHH!" Nemesis shrieked, sprinting inside immediately. Orion hadn't even been considering her, but instead he lunged toward Don, who howled in terror.
The trick had worked: Rather than devour Don, Orion was flung ten feet backward and landed on his back, skidding to a halt seconds later.
Luna dusted her hands off. "All in a day's work."
They walked inside immediately. Then the spell came into effect and the chaos commenced.
Digging into one of those snack-sized Ben and Jerry's cups on top of a nonhuman mortal enemy's deathbed never felt so good. Smiling to herself, Wolf took another bite of gooey banana goodness and lazily tossed bread crumbs down towards the ocean of illogical pistachio pudding below. Red-eyed ducks, some of the remaining members of Mystera's vicious animal army, swarmed around the crumbs and pecked each other to the point of agony until one sneaky duck made off with the loot.
Wolf rarely gave much of anything a thought when she wasn't in church, but her mind kept wandering to Myst lately, interrupting her usual chain of silliness within her heart and brain.
What Demetri had said just a few day ago really had her in a tizzy, which Wolf presumed was similar to the experience one would have after drinking a bottle of vodka and hurling the bottle into the K-Mart parking lot, breaking many laws and losing even more brain cells.
It was against Wolf's code and nature to angst for very long, but today she couldn't help but wonder why. Why was Myst out to kill her, and why did Myst become a Mary Sue? Was she even a Mary Sue? Better yet, just who the heck was she? These thoughts consumed Wolf to a point of obsession, washing over her, cascading through her heart and-
"I'm pretty sure I'm not angsting that much, Flow," Wolf glowered at the air. "This is mostly PMS if you ask me."
Oh. I was unaware.
"You're a voice in my head," Wolf couldn't help but point out as she took another spoonful. "A voice that many other people can hear, I might add. You'd think a schizophrenic's voices would know what's going on, but no. You just have to drone on about crack nonsense for eternity, making this fic totally impossible to comprehend, even for me!"
As you can see, Wolf was annoyed, but that's probably due to the blood coming from-
"Do not continue that sentence if you know what's good for you!"
Oh really, my friend? You've just tangled with the wrong man!
"So you're a transsexual now?"
Wolf's angst was...not consuming her, but she couldn't help but brood. There was one topic bothering her at the moment...the Myri Soys. Or, as Wolf still referred to them as, the Mary Sues. How did they exist?
Wolf tossed her empty cup and spoon into the pool below and stood up, dusting off her hoodie. Well, she could always ask Demetri. She had no doubt that the guy had lied to her and Melinda more than once during that conversation, but there was always the hope that he could be an honest digital-American citizen. An honest citizen from off planet that somehow spoke English...just like everyone else Wolf had encountered so far.
She went for the door...and found herself facing a total stranger with ludicrously striking features. The girl had waist length purple hair and pink eyes, and a katana dangled from her dainty waist.
Wolf did the rational thing and stood perfectly still, gaping.
"Hi!" said the girl with a wave. "My name is Sakura, Sakura Angelique Jade Saralynn Joanna. I'm here to look for my long lost sister. Her name's Kairi. Have you seen her?"
Wolf tried to speak but was dumbstruck. Well, at least this one wasn't connected to her past...
"I'm a Princess of Heart, so I have no darkness in my heart and my parents, Sephiroth and Aerith Gainsborough, had to abandon me because Sephiroth wanted to stab my mother but he refused to kill me because I'm so precious-"
"I'm sorry," Wolf interjected, shaking her hands in a dismissive manner. "I have not met Kairi as of yet, and frankly, if I had, I wouldn't tell you anyways. Err, purple and pink are pretty plain colors for hair and eyes."
Sakura flipped her hair over her shoulder and giggled loftily. "Silly! My hair is psychedelic orchid-amethyst and my eyes are Persian magenta fandango cerise!"
Wolf despised redundant redundancy. "You're a Mary Sue!" Wolf blurted, which was possibly a grave mistake.
Sakura hissed in outrage and gave Wolf a deep, heroic look that would've inspired Hercules. "You're just trying to keep me from my family! All I'm trying to do is save Anakin Skywalker from Sauron, but you're just preventing me from reaching my true potential! I bet you're one of them!"
Sakura seemed to rise several feet in the air, and Wolf suddenly felt awfully small. Her lightsabers were probably like toothpicks against this girl! "Uh..." Wolf gulped. She was mad! Totally mad!
Madness?
"If you try to open for a 300 reference, Flow, I swear I'll go on medications," hissed Wolf. Sakura was...was...
Lame. Wait, lame?
Cautiously, Wolf took a step toward Sakura, who screamed, "DIE!" and summoned forth her platinum katana. No, Sakura was not strong. The strength was a lie, dang it!
Wolf smiled dryly at Sakura. "No thank you." The lightsaber plunged through Sakura's mouth, skewering her like a shish kebab. Sakura cried weakly in disappointment before she exploded into a pile of rainbow glitter.
Stepping back, Wolf wondered why that had been so much easier than her previous battle with Myst, during which Wolf had only been victorious due to some literal dishonorable backstabbing. And this girl was glitter...Myst was black goop...
She shut the door of the cliff, leaving the glittery remains as well as the angst and PMS behind her. She shook her head in bemusement, wondering why a random Mary Sue had decided to attack a nondescript nonentity who wasn't even significant to a fandom. "Sometimes I wonder about this plot," she commented, glancing at the innumerable doors. "Now, which one of these was a kitchen..." she browsed about, occasionally opening a door or two.
"Now, what's behind door number one!" Wolf yelled jovially as she hurled open the door. An amazingly epic toilet and an equally wonderful sink met her sights, leaving her with only bitterness. You cannot make microwave popcorn in a toilet, you see.
On and on, Wolf opened door after door. She ended up unleashing many things, including an undead samurai, a talking, conniving tiger, two repo men, and a dragon on an acid trip, but those are all stories for another time.
Hours later, Wolf's desire for apple juice had begun to wane, and she was silently cursing the cracked nature of the mansion and its myriad of pointless doors that disappeared on and off at irregular intervals. Hurling another door and finding nothing but a strange, ramshackle town, Wolf turned around with a stomp of her foot and prepared to slam the door.
That's when the overlarge katana almost loped off her head.
Wolf forced herself not to scream as a man with a ridiculously long katana and equally lengthy hair leaped past her, pursued by a spiky haired man with a wider but shorter blade. Gaping, Wolf could only gawk at the two guys geeks and gamers knew as Sephiroth and Cloud.
Sephiroth, his silver hair flying behind him, twisted and swung his sword, Masamune, in a wide arc. Cloud's own sword, First Tsurugi, swatted Masamune away with much effort, and Cloud braced himself against the wall before flying forward in an attempt to impale his enemy. Sephiroth also flung himself at Cloud, his sword slashing through the air to parry.
That was when Snape's spell took effect.
Comically, Cloud and Sephiroth bounced right off each other and went sprawling into opposite walls. Astonishingly, neither one regained their balance in time to prevent the collision, but they were on their feet in seconds.
"What did you do?" Cloud questioned hotly.
"I did nothing, Cloud," Sephiroth replied with the ghost of a frown. He pointed an accusatory finger at Wolf. "Did it cross your mind to consider that she's the source?"
"It wasn't me!" Wolf held up her hands. Her eyes darted back and forth, searching for an escape route and finally pinpointing the nearest door, she cried out, "Bye, Cloud!" and dashed to the nearest door.
It disappeared the instant she touched the doorknob. Scratch that, nearly all the doors disappeared.
Cloud, meanwhile, had not learned from his mistakes, and took another swing at Sephiroth. Sephiroth calmly took a step backward and allowed Cloud to plant his face into the floor. Once he stood up, Wolf got the proper chance to assess their wardrobe.
Both of them would've stuck out like a sore, broken, swollen thumb in public. Cloud had a one sleeved sweater one with black boots and a nice and gigantic clip on his back for his sword. His ridiculously spiky blond hair and bright mako eyes made him very anime-esque.
Sephiroth, on the other hand, was clad in body hugging leather with black straps running across his chest. No shirt, it seemed...At least he had a black leather coat that ran past his knees, slightly covering his black boots. Shoulder plates adorned his shoulders (well, where else would you put them, obviously?). His silver locks were just as long as his coat, and his sickly green eyes had slits for pupils. Just like Voldemort, though Sephiroth came a lot closer to world domination than Voldemort had.
Wolf regretted thinking of this half-compliment the moment Sephiroth held Masamune to her throat and demanded, "Where are we?"
Cloud also had First Tsurugi out; however, it was aimed at Sephiroth, not Wolf. Wolf gulped before replying, "Uh, planet Earth, population somewhere over two billion, home of the Chicago Cubs and Final Fantasy VII...sorta."
This was going to take a few hours at the least.
Seeing Luke Skywalker angry was a rare sight. Seeing Luke Skywalker attempting to strangle Severus Snape in a fit of rage was unheard of. However, this was what he was doing.
It was even funnier when he bounced right off Snape after the greasy haired man's windpipe began to close. Call them what you want, but this little trick only proved how epic (or possibly moronic) Snape and Luna were.
"What the heck happened?" Wolf asked as she dashed toward them, looking anxious.
Sensing her nervousness, Luke regained his composure and told her, "Apparently Snape created a spell that can repel all danger and guard its charges. Unfortunately, that includes danger from the outside as well as the inside, so it took away all exits out of this place. We're stuck in here until it wears out, which Snape said may be a month!"
Wolf gaped. "A month? What kind of crap is that?"
Snape coughed defensively. "The spell, also known as the deus ex machina incantation, is very experimental at the moment-"
Wolf pointed a finger to the direction she came from. "Tell that to those two!"
Peering forward in interest, Snape, Luke, Luna, and Mara all managed to catch the unusual sight of the new terrible duo.
It was then that Luke screamed in terror and Mara gawked in disbelief. "Someone tell me that isn't Sephiroth!"
"Unfortunately," said Cloud as he moseyed up to them with an irked frown. "it is."
Sephiroth smirked. "Oh, I suppose you're jealous because they didn't recognize you as well?"
Snape narrowed his eyes. "And who are you two?"
"You mean you've never heard of Sephiroth?" Luke gasped. "Well, Cloud too, I suppose..."
"Of course not, you dunderhead," Snape sneered. "Not all of us had access to intergalactic travel."
Luke cowered behind Mara, biting his lip. "Why hasn't he impaled us yet?"
Mara stepped aside; Luke stumbled forward. "Luke, did you really forget tackling Snape in a blind fury about that spell that keeps everyone from harming each other? Force, I'm dating an idiot." Luke blushed as Mara said to Snape, "Sephiroth is a monster that some consider to be an embodiment of darkness." Cloud shifted at this, and Sephiroth almost seemed to smirk. "He's been around the worlds, usually trying to destroy them, though sometimes Cloud stops him. They never stop fighting...Oh yeah, Sephiroth's 'mother' is Jenova, a monstrous alien who wants to destroy the Planet, etc. At least, that's what the rumors say. "
Wolf stepped up to Cloud and Sephiroth. "So, uh, I'm guessing that you guys are the Kingdom Hearts versions of you guys...That sentence sounds so weird." Cloud and Sephiroth bristled in confusion, but Cloud slumped when he realized they couldn't fight for awhile now. Or leave, for that matter. Crud muffin. "So, for now, we're all stuck here. Oh well. No harm done! Who wants blue popsicles?"
"Ooh! I do! I do!" Luke Luna exclaimed excitedly, hurrying off after Wolf as she went to get some popsicles. "I'll bring you guys back some!" she shouted over her shoulder.
Sephiroth glared at her. "I'm stuck with her for a month?"
Cloud sighed. "Who does she remind me of..."
Snape just stared at them and their crazy hair.
As the time passed by, many peculiar incidents occurred, less than half of which Cloud found enjoyable.
For one thing, he had to endure countless taunts from Sephiroth, who encouraged him to accept the darkness, give in to him, etc. etc. He also felt something within his mind writhing, trying to change according to this loony mansion. Then there was everything else.
On the second day, he explored this unfamiliar place with caution, poking his pointy head into the occasional door. That has certainly resulted in plenty of discord. Cloud had to face a murderous giant turtle wearing a red mask that kept talking about some Mikey guy blowing up a refrigerator, flee from some teenage girl calling herself Jada Lorraine Fantasia Mozambiqua with waist length blue hair, eat a practically toxic sandwich made of some meat called Spam, and go against other horrors.
The rest of it wasn't nearly so bad.
Sometime in the afternoon, Cloud encountered a bright computer room holding two occupants, seeming to talk to the computer itself.
"I'm telling you, Demetri, she stole my armor!" said a strange brunette girl with a rash on her arms. She itched it often.
"So?" jibed the computer, whom Cloud assumed was Demetri. "It was just one of those moments, like 'Don't cha wish your armor was hot like mine?' I'm sure she'll give it back."
The yellow haired girl Cloud had met previously sighed. "Fine, I'll give it back, though the rule clearly states no givsies-backsies."
"You stole it!" the brunette argued.
"You were going to kill me!" the yellow one countered.
"Hello," said Cloud to announce his interest.
The yellow one's eyes widened as she grinned and waved cheerfully. "Hiya, Cloud! Oh, I never introduced myself. My name is Wolf and this is my friend Jemima Jambalaya."
Jemima opened her mouth to probably protest, but Demetri's hi-tech giggles drowned her out. Cloud's expression didn't change as he asked, "Do you know where there's a kitchen around here? One that doesn't serve Spam sandwiches, too."
Wolf's grin seemed to widen even further. All in all, Cloud found it a silly expression, but at least it was genuine. "Ah, Obi-Wan offered you one of his signature Spamwiches."
Jemima rubbed her chin. "I think he gave one of those to Draco before, because the rodent ran into a meeting screaming bloody murder about the mean old Jedi and the evil flying sandwiches..."
"AWMIGAWSH, a sandwich," Wolf droned in a nasally voice.
"Nice impression," Demetri commented.
"Thanks!" said Wolf as she hopped past Cloud. "Come on, let's go get some waffles!"
It was during that stroll that Cloud first heard the name Mary Sue.
The walk was pretty uninteresting to Cloud, with Wolf handing a teeny shoulder plate over to Jemima. Cackling gleefully, Jemima strapped it to her right shoulder and stuck her tongue out at Wolf. "That's what you get for stealing from someone as amazing as me!" she boasted.
Wolf gave her an incredulous. "You do realize that I just handed it to you, right? We're equals in a fight...I hope."
"Well yes, but remember, when facing Mary Sues, I'm always the one who kills them."
Cloud's eyes widened in alarm. "You two have killed girls before?"
Wolf's mouth turned into a horrified "O" as she exclaimed, "No! A Mary Sue is a monstrous creature with no true personality or character development! They're supposedly perfect, but in reality they're vapid creatures who only want one thing..."
Jemima backed away from Wolf mid-step. "You can't be serious!"
"About what?" Wolf frowned, puzzled. "Frappuccinos?"
"Never mind," Jemima said as she slapped her forehead.
While Jemima bemoaned the loss of teleportation abilities due to the mansion's little problem, Cloud pushed ahead and opened the kitchen door Wolf pointed out. A brunette woman with crazy braids and a cocky-looking blond man were cooking something with that guy who had been hiding behind the redhead during Cloud's arrival. There was also a tall blond chick wearing oven mitts.
"Hey, guys!" said Wolf, waving happily. "I'd like you to meet Cloud."
Cloud walked right past them and straight to the fridge. Even so, the strangers were all eager to introduce themselves. "Hi!" said the tall girl. "My name's Nemesis. You're pretty new around here, so I thought I'd warn you that the refrigerator-"
Cloud yelped in alarm and slammed the door as a humongous purple tentacle constricted his wrist. Moments later, it made a gurgling noise and pulled away.
"-contains a live octopus..."
The cocky-looking guy grinned and elbowed Cloud knowingly. "The newcomers always get freaked out by something or other. It's okay, you can confess to being incompetent." Cloud's fists clenched as he narrowed his eyes darkly. "Hey, I'm Anakin Skywalker."
The littler guy smiled sympathetically, conveying the message of, "I'm sorry, he was dropped on his head at birth, ignore his stupidity." He waved slightly. "Hello, I'm Luke Skywalker."
The brunette was much more obvious about her displeasure with the cocky guy. "I apologize for my father. He doesn't respond well to people who are better or more famous than him. I'm also sorry about you being stuck here. I realize that you and Sephiroth-" Luke winced. "want to kill each other, and I regret that you have to wait to do that."
Behind Cloud, Wolf said, "Wow, you make it sound like a good thing, like fighting Sephiroth helps Cloud compensate for things." As Jemima and Nemesis snickered, Wolf's eyes widened. "I didn't mean it like that! You know, because he's always feeling crappy about his crappy attitude-"
"Wolf," said Cloud. "Stop. Now."
She sighed. "Sorry, Cloud. It's all unintentional. I just make things awkward. Right, Leia?"
Brunette chick glared for some reason, so Cloud decided to politely intervene by stating, "Look, is there any food around here or not? And I mean food I can reach without being strangled by an octopus."
Anakin shrugged. "Not much, Cloudy. Luke and I are having a baking contest to see who can make the best soufflé in order to solve our father-son rivalry, but other than that, nada."
"Come on!" Cloud groaned in exasperation. "There has to be something to eat!"
"Death," said a melodious, ominous voice. Everyone jumped in fright as a dark, pale figure quivered into existence before them straight out of a shadow in the corner. "The world is full of darkness, enveloping, enshrouding, demolishing all within sight. It is endless..."
Cloud gave the girl a once-over. she had very dark brownish-black hair, red eyes, and was clad in black leather and spikes. "Oh great," Jemima moaned. "Just freaking fantastic."
"An emo Sue!"
"And we can't kill it," Wolf suddenly realized, to everyone's horror.
Cloud wasn't really sure what the big deal was. Then it began to talk. "Crimson blood rains down upon us...that's where I gained my name: Crimson Tyde, spelled with a 'Y', not an 'I'. My world was consumed by darkness, and myself along with it. For all eternity I shall pay..."
A timer beeped, interrupting Crimson Tyde's speech. Luke rushed to retrieve his soufflé, which had been cooked to perfection.
"Lost for all time, determined to make the dangers known, I gained the power of intense emotional manipulation, so I can be like this and people will still read about me, endorse me, sympathize with my endeavors with the darkness, alone in the universe-"
A second timer had gone off, and Anakin hurried to save his soufflé, which had burst into flames, so unlike Luke's own masterpiece.
"Now I must face my darkest foe, who wants to kill me for reasons totally unexplained due to flat characterization, which is another thing I enjoy angsting about. No, I do not enjoy angst; I enjoy nothing. Nothing brings fulfillment...nothing can quench my thirst. It is a vicious cycle-"
Luke and Nemesis laughed at Anakin, who had burst into flames while fanning the fire that was once his French entree and was now dancing wildly in an attempt to stop the blaze.
"Never-ending, forever, on and on! Woe! Woe is me, who has nothing to be! I am the reason my world perished (though I myself had little to do with the actual destruction)! I, who alone lost against the horror that is the cruelest enemy! Darkness, darkness, darkness, darkness, darkness..."
"Are you done?" Cloud queried. "Your overuse of 'darkness' is making you sound a lot like-"
"It is now time for a haiku," Crimson Tyde broke in. She pulled a paper from hammerspace and read:
"Flames envelop me
They snuff out the light, which sucks
Oh, the humanity."
"Hey!" Wolf interjected, raising her eyebrows. "Not only was that an inaccurate amount of syllables for the last line, but the large amount of stabbing sounds like Sephiroth!"
"What?" cried Cloud.
"Yes!" shrieked Crimson Tyde, her dark hair flailing wildly due to a nonexistent wind. "Sephiroth, the hated darkness, my darkness. How he outshines me and my own issues! Excuse me, I must emote shame." Reaching into the freezer, she pulled out a gallon of Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream and began to gorge herself, repeating, "I am such an abomination" with self-loathing after every bite.
"Wow," Wolf commented on this, nudging Cloud. "You know, all you angsty Square protagonists should take a leaf out of her book. Ice cream is a healthier outlet than dueling with your arch enemy."
Cloud glowered at them all, even Anakin, who had finally figured out how to stop, drop, and roll. "Sephiroth is not her arch enemy! He's mine! Mine, I tell you!"
"Well, Cloud," said the man/monstrosity himself as he entered the room. Luke cowered behind Leia. "I didn't know you thought so highly of me."
"Shut up!" Cloud shouted, brandishing his sword despite his inability to actually use it.
"Oh, look, my nemesis," Crimson Tyde drawled as she stood, setting her Cherry Garcia ice cream on the counter. "What terror."
Sephiroth stared. "Who are you?"
"My name is Crimson Tyde!" she said with an air of dar...you get the idea. "You killed my world; prepare to suffer!"
"Whoa!" Nemesis stepped between Crimson Tyde and Sephiroth. "You can get as angsty as you want, but when a Mary Sue brings The Princess Bride into anything, you know it's war!"
"But we can't fight her off!" Leia said disappointedly.
"I discovered that earlier," said Sephiroth with his usual calm sort of anger. He pointed back to the doorway. "Just ask Belinda Marie-Antoinette Gutierrez Bladed Ninjitsu Flower."
"Oh dear Force," Luke sniffed, staring at another newcomer.
It was Jemima who spoke what Cloud and, more than likely, everyone else was thinking. "What are you wearing?"
Belinda wrinkled up her nose in a way that could be considered attractive, though no one in the room thought so, having developed either an immunity to Mary Sues or an obsession with something not related to the disturbingly pervasive. Bouncing her bouncy curls, Belinda said, "What, honey, you don't like what I'm wearing?"
"For the love of the syrup for which Jemima is named, please don't call her or anyone else here 'honey!'" Wolf snapped, losing her patience with these infernal...douches.
Belinda flipped her mahogany-mango-fandango hair and fluttered her elongated infra red eyelashes. Flashing Wolf a sparkling smile, she replied, "I'm sorry, sweet cheeks, but Sephie here likes it, so it sticks!"
"I most certainly do not," Sephiroth said the same moment Cloud muttered, "Yeah, 'Sephie likes it', my butt."
"Well, toots," said Jemima maliciously. "I doubt he likes your outfit!"
"Hey!" Belinda eyed her itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny gold bikini that didn't leave much to the imagination. Wolf was still visibly gaping at the horrible boldness of it all, Cloud could see. "This is vintage, darling!"
"So what? You do realize it's February, right? Oh, that's right, Mary Sues are too idiotic to live. pity that we can't kill you now."
Wolf was gaping at Jemima now, but Sephiroth was nodding in agreement. Since his enemy was with Jemima, Cloud decided to side against her. Ever snooty, Belinda said, "Well, I have something you don't, dearie: A MAN. And I plan on keeping it that way! Don't make me, like kill you!"
"Woe! Woe to the Mary Sues!" Crimson Tyde cried.
Nemesis glanced at Crimson Tyde, Belinda, Cloud, and Sephiroth. Grinning, she held up a pan of muffins, deciding to break the awkwardness of it all. "Would you like a muffin?"
Sephiroth glared heatedly at her. "No, I would not like one of your disgusting pastries."
Nemesis gawked at them. "You've gotta be kidding me! Why wouldn't you want one?"
"Why would I?" Cloud could see that Sephiroth was getting irritated by everything at this place.
"They're blueberry!"
"They're awful abominations."
"Fine," Nemesis said as she walked outside and yelled for everyone to hear, "Hey, everyone! Sephiroth doesn't like muffins!"
"No!" Sephritoh rubbed his temples, the signs of a migraine coming on as people outside were stage whispering, "Dosesn't like muffins? Egad!" and "But muffins are incredible bites of heaven!"
Crimson Tyde went on, "Pitiful Mary Sues, mindlessly collecting story favorites. And yet they know not the true power of what they hold. The rage of the author releases those men. They gather in uselessness, review-less and dull, until they weave-"
Her speech halted as a smacking sound filled the air. Slowly, she spun to face Anakin, who had dug into her pint of Cherry Garcia. "What?" the guy said to defend himself. "I bought this, you know!"
"No you didn't," Leia scoffed.
"Well, my daughter bought it for me, but you get the idea!"
Crimson Tyde's eyes grew wide, filled with anguish and agony. "I have failed to protect my pint! I have shamed myself. I must commit seppuku." Blurred in speedy flight, she snatched Cloud's First Tsurugi, eliciting a shout of "Hey!" What did she think she was doing?
On Crimson Tyde's first attempt, the sword went wide thanks to good old Severus Snape. On her second try, it skewed over her shoulder. By the time it was her seventh try, Wolf, in what Cloud thought was either unusual compassion for this mansion or just a fit of vexation, gently coaxed Crimson Tyde away from the sword and handed the girl the pint of ice cream. Rather than thank Wolf, Crimson Tyde shrieked, "I HAVE FAILED YOU ALL!" as she sank to the floor, curled up into a pitiful ball, and began to sob in terror/wannabe angst, the latter of which Cloud was an expert on. He wanted to say this was the former, but we all knew what it was.
Jemima shrugged. "It can't be helped. Mary Sue genes."
Wolf glared daggers at her. "Wow, you really are a jerk."
Jemima crossed her arms. "Thank you, Captain Obvious!"
"Wow, for a moment there, you know, I'd thought you'd gained a heart!"
Jemima snorted. "Oh, so now you're Captain Oblivious, is it? If we didn't have this shield up, I'd beat you to a pulp. You're trying to be all self-righteous, but you're really just insecure about your lack of ability and you know it!"
Belinda gestured towards herself. "Maybe you all should be little dears and marvel at my sexiness instead of you two not making, like, at sense at all with your talking and stuff?"
"That's it! I am out of here!" Cloud screamed, stomping out the door, unable to take the bipolar nature of Jemima and Wolf or Belinda's anything. To annoy him further, Sephiroth and Belinda followed, and Wolf wasn't too far behind, looking and feeling very, very small.
"So, Sephie-kins, any plans for tonight?" Belinda said, giggling obscenely.
Sephiroth gave her the death glare that probably burned down multiple backwater towns. "I would rather shower with a bear and swallow Masamune than be around you for another millisecond."
"Oh, you're so romantic!" Belinda crooned.
Cloud smiled despite himself. "Well, I see someone has his hands full."
Sephiroth turned his doom stare from Belinda to Cloud. "Oh please, Cloud. Give it time and they'll come to you as well, choking, corroding..."
"Shut up!" Cloud howled.
"You overuse that phrase," sneered Belinda.
Cloud tugged at the collar of his sweater. "At least I'm not wearing bondage gear!"
"Burn..." Wolf muttered from the outskirts of the group.
"Oh, come on, Sephie-poo, let's go!" For reasons Cloud did not comprehend, Sephiroth, eyes gleaming with sinister intent, followed the Mary Sue.
"Having an arch enemy sucks," Wolf contemplated as she walked up to Cloud. "Is it always that bad?"
Cloud nodded, recalling his various encounters with Sephiroth prior to arrival at the mansion. "Basically, he's a freak."
"Ah, a schizoid," Wolf sighed fondly. "There's one in every gang of villains. Why does he bother you so much?"
"He's my inner darkness," Cloud put it bluntly. "I have to stop him to make it go away...Why do you care?"
Wolf shrugged. "Why wouldn't I? Face it, I just helped a Mary Sue; I'm bound to help a regular guy like yourself."
Cloud had to admit that she had a point. Leaning against the wall, Cloud explained, "I've seen Sephiroth do plenty of awful things, things that I was powerless to stop...He's my darkness incarnate. it's my duty to defeat him, yet I haven't done that."
Wolf sighed knowingly. "To tell you the truth, I kinda know how you feel. What you heard in there, about my insecurity is true, though the self-righteous part isn't. Awhile back, I gave up my powers to save my friends, and I hate to say it, but I've regretted it ever since. I'm pretty sure we could've devised a different escape method that didn't involve hallucinogenic pineapple and Snape's little hula dancing thing-"
"Okay, what?"
"Still," Wolf continued. "I've been screwing up ever since. The other abilities I have remaining afterwards have all gone haywire, and I can barely use them anymore, if at all. In all of our fights afterward, I've sucked royally. I still have the sword, but I'm helpless against most enemies. Since then, I've had a limb amputated, I've been stabbed and nearly shot, and I've also had to cower in the corner! I really hate that."
"So we both have problems," Cloud muttered.
"Yep," Wolf said, nodding in tandem. "Sometimes I feel like the people I've fought against are all hiding in the shadows, laughing at me whenever I trip up or fail to open a pickle jar. But I'm trying my hardest not to let it all get to me. Sure, I've got my crappy times, but why should that affect me as a whole?"
She had a good point, Cloud had to admit.
Someone in the kitchen screamed: Crimson Tyde had squashed Luke's no-longer-perfect soufflé. "EVERYTHING I TOUCH DIES!"
An entire week went by without major incident. During that time, the villains cooped up in the respective dens, Sephiroth was rarely seen, Luke and Anakin kept having contests, and Wolf spent her time showing Cloud around the mansion.
More and more with each passing day, Cloud witnessed everyone growing twitchier, particularly Wolf, who, according to sources, already had a twitch to begin with. Crimson Tyde remained in the kitchen the entire time, curled up in the corner without food, water, or potty break as she sulked, and Belinda was presumed to stalking Sephiroth.
So now Cloud found himself wandering one of the corridors all alone (like always). He'd only run into two other people, and strange they definitely were.
The first was a wrinkled green dwarf with a walking stick and wispy white hair to go with his pointy ears. "New around here, are you?" he asked, and Cloud couldn't help but marvel at his improper grammar.
"Guess so," he said as he walked right past.
"Wait, you must!" croaked the green guy, hobbling towards Cloud as fast as his gimer stick could carry him. "Had an encounter with young Skywalker, you did? Unfortunate, that is. Give us a bad reputation, he does."
"Yoda! Hey, Yoda!" shrieked a dark girl as she sprinted towards them, holding a tray of cups in her hand. "I brought you your frappuccino!"
"Thank you, I do," Yoda said as he snatched one of the cups and swigged greedily. "Good for the soul, caffeine is."
Cloud raised his eyebrows. "Isn't caffeine awful for old people?"
The new girl's expression was priceless. "You just...but you...oh no, no, no..."
Yoda's face contorted. "Old? Dare, you do, to insult the elderly? Beat respect into you, I will!" Yoda bashed Cloud's ankle with his gimer stick with quite a load of force. "Blaze, help me, you will!"
Blaze backed away, but not before stealing back Yoda's frappuccino. "No more coffee for you." She handed one of the frappuccinos to Cloud. "Here, take it!"
Cloud thanked her and took the beverage, but not before Yoda bashed his ankle again, screeching, "MINE! MINE! MINE!" So Cloud bolted out of there.
After running a mile or two, Cloud regarded the mysterious beverage. Just what was it? Clearly not alcohol, but not juice either. He took a sip...and another and another...
It was clear to Cloud that Sephiroth hadn't expected to finally find him with his one gigantic black bat wing sprouting from his shoulder. At least, that was what Cloud thought he thought at the time when he was thinking. Trying to think, anyways. It was hard. He just wanted to move so bad!
"Cloud?" Sephiroth questioned, looking confused, if that was even possible for the man.
"Can't stop, won't stop, need to stop!" Cloud shouted, hopping up and down with his wing flapping faintly. He held up the half-empty frappuccino cup. "There's something called espresso in this thing! I'm going insane!"
Sephiroth smirked. "Good, then."
"It's not good! It's crap! ...Holy mother, who are those people behind you?"
"Sephie!" the girl he recognized as Belinda Something-Or-Other whined as she waltzed over to Sephiroth, draping an anorexic arm over his shoulder. Behind her were at least fifty other girls, all equally bizarre-looking. "I couldn't find any strawberry ice cream! Now I have to complain to you! It's so awful because there's nothing that suits my perfect perfections!"
Sephiroth glared at her. "Cloud, are you sure there is no way to kill them all where they stand?"
"Even if I could," Cloud growled. "I'm not sure I would want to!"
"Afraid of the dark?" Sephiroth sneered.
"Oh, snap!" said one of the Mary Sues in the crowd.
Cloud glared at them all. "No! I just want...forget! I'm going back to my espresso!"
The Sues suddenly all went silent for a few minutes. Unconsciously, Cloud's free hand itched towards First Tsurugi. "Did he say espresso?" a Sue in the front murmured dangerously.
"Girls, he has a frappuccino!" Belinda roared.
"GET IT!"
Cloud found himself scrambling away from them, but it was all for naught: the Mary Sues grabbed at him, pulling on his sweater, tearing a bit of the fabric as they yanked at his hair. "Help me-" he choked out, as the Sues fought like untrained chicks for his frappuccino, causing no true physical harm to each other and therefore making it past the barrier. He guessed Wolf had been serious about Mary Sues only wanting frappuccinos and nothing else...not that he blamed them for wanting such a delicious caffeinated beverage.
It was then Cloud found Sephiroth standing over him, sneering triumphantly. "See, Cloud, they wouldn't have gotten this far if you had given in to the dark."
Cloud stood up and dusted himself off, his arms twitching with the caffeine. "Liar! They've been following you everywhere! You just said so!"
"Perhaps we should take this fight elsewhere," said Sephiroth. Cloud, for once, nodded in agreement.
And then they realized that they were surrounded on all four sides by obsessed little underage, vapid, teenage atrocities. "Well then."
Sephiroth's shoulder began to twitch as Cloud flapped his wing a tad. "Cloud, stop flapping."
"What? Oh, you mean this?" Smirking, Cloud flapped his wing even more.
"Yes, that!" Sephiroth's shoulder twitched again, and Cloud moved his own wing back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth-
The moment Sephiroth's black, feathery wing sprang from his shoulders, the havoc began.
Belinda pointed at Cloud and Sephiroth as she saw the wings. "Hey, they're going to escape!"
"You've got to be kidding me!" Cloud said, slapping his forehead.
"There is only one option remaining," Sephiroth growled as he stepped backward to be back to back with Cloud.
"We can't fight them!" Cloud replied angrily, before he realized what Sephiroth was referring to. Flicking a Mary Sue in the forehead right where her sequined gold headband was placed, he began to chuckle. "You want to...run away?"
"Precisely, Cloud," Sephiroth replied as his own wing thrashed upward.
"You've got to be kidding me!" Mary Sues were pressing in on all sides, and Cloud could've swore he heard Crimson Tyde screaming, "Nooo! I've caused the apocalypse again!"
Sephiroth scowled at Cloud. "Cloud, we both must live in order for us to kill each other on a later date. Work with me or suffocate." He shoved his wingless shoulder against Cloud's own, and Cloud gulped as he swatted away a Mary Sue's gemstone-encrusted hand.
"Fine!" Cloud hollered, and they both began to flail their wings.
Slowly, but surely, they were working their way upward , Cloud realized, but it was not without difficulty. "My boot!" Sephiroth hissed as a emerald-haired Mary Sue snatched his boot right off his foot, smiled malevolently (or at least Cloud thought so), and inhaled the stench.
"Leave it!" Cloud bellowed.
"Those were expensive!"
"I don't care!"
Belinda, bizarrely, started firing bullets at them (Just where had she stored the gun with that outfit? Cloud couldn't help but wonder), but, thanks to one Severus Snape, the bullets all bounced off some unseen barrier and collided harmlessly with walls.
And then Cloud and Sephiroth began to put some distance between themselves and the Mary Sues. Then they realized the problem.
"You're not flapping hard enough!" Cloud yelled crossly.
"Yes I am!" Sephiroth irately cried.
"We're going around in circles!"
Such was the disadvantage of only having one wing each. Cloud hated relying on people he disliked.
And so, many hours later, Sephiroth and Cloud finally emerged from the mass of doom in one piece. Landing lightly, Sephiroth raised one eyebrow. "Now, was that so bad?"
"Yes!" Cloud replied.
Just then, Wolf brushed past them, screaming, "HOT SAUCE! BATHROOM! TALK LATER, CLOUD!"
Sephiroth and Cloud stared at her retreating form, totally dumbfounded. "Why have you been hanging around her, anyways?"
Cloud shrugged. "Why should I tell you?" Then as an afterthought, he added, "She knows the place best. Isn't that a good enough reason?"
"Oh please," Sephiroth scoffed. "You're too complex to have a reason that simple."
Cloud glared at Sephiroth. Sephiroth glared at Cloud. Two minutes later, Wolf was walking towards them. "Are you having a fun staring match?"
Cloud broke the gaze to glance at her. Then he realized his mistake. "I lost!"
"The light will always lose," Sephiroth drawled drolly.
"Oh, shut it," Cloud muttered, really, really sick of Sephiroth's bull. "Wolf, what just happened, anyways?"
"Oh, Anakin and Luke were having a wing-eating contest, and I decided to eat some too. I didn't know they had Buffalo Wild Wings' blazing sauce on them," she shuddered violently. "Third worst bathroom experience ever. You don't want to know the second and the first."
Cloud rolled his eyes and glanced back at Sephiroth, daring him to say something, but the man said nothing. "Thank you for that mental image, Wolf."
She saluted. "Anytime. Yeah, Anakin and Luke have been going at this for awhile now. It all started when Luke insinuated that Anakin always did much more terribly in fights than he did. Anakin got offended and said something about red spandex-don't ask me about that, I'm just as confused-before he replied that Luke whined much more. So then they decided that, in order to settle the argument, they'd hold various contests to see just who really was the better man...It's a futile effort, as neither one realized that they're both whiny, so the whole thing was totally pointless."
She appraised Cloud and Sephiroth. "Come to think of it, maybe that's just what you two need!"
Cloud's jaw dropped. "Wha-" then he realized what she meant. "You want me to have a contest with Sephiroth to see who can eat more spicy poultry?"
Wolf backed off. "No! Just do whatever contests you want to get rid of the aggression!"
"Cloud's only afraid," said Sephiroth.
"No," Cloud retorted. "I'm. Not. Interested."
"Yes," Sephiroth went on, smiling evilly. "You simply realize that I'd win. You've known that for a long time now, haven't you?"
"Shut up! I'll do it!"
"Great!" said Wolf, clapping her hands together. "Don't worry Cloud, I'm sure you'll kick his sorry butt. Sephiroth sucks! " Now it was Sephiroth's turn to glare at Wolf's audacity. "Let's get started with this already! Let's mosey!"
And that's the end of part one. More to come, including the series of contests and their consequences!
I'm not going to lie, I really enjoyed writing the Crimson Tyde scenes. She's such a drama queen, just like Anakin...
And yes, Cloud id supposed to say "Shut up" that much.
Virtual plushies to those who caught the Billy Madison reference!