Thank you guys for the reviews! I really appreciate it! So this chapter was initially supposed to be way longer but because other things came up today so I wrote as much as I felt comfortable to and you will get quite the treat tomorrow with the rest of it! Sorry I am making you guys wait. I didn't mean to but if I tried to keep going with as much as I wanted to write, you probably wouldn't get this update until really late. So please forgive me, I am just looking out for all my reviewers who are expecting daily updates which I never want to break the cycle from until this is finished. And since I won't be stressed about posting all of it today, you will have a much better, more organized chapter tomorrow! Thanks for understanding guys and I hope you enjoy this chapter. It was very interesting delving into Hermione's emotions.
PLEASE REVIEW AND I WILL GIVE YOU A CRAZY LONG CHAPTER TOMORROW IN RETURN!
"Hermione!" Harry called out as he wrapped his arms around her hunched over figure.
She couldn't handle the touch, couldn't handle the people around her… not even Harry. Hermione cringed as more hot tears fell down her face and landed in the snow below her, "Please just leave me alone…" she whispered when Harry started to rub her back.
"You need to come in, you will freeze if we just let you stay out here." He commanded to her, upset but with much compassion in his voice. He tried to pull her up and she pushed him away.
"Just go!" Hermione fell back into the snow from her exertion towards Harry. She was so weak, mind, body and soul. She didn't want to be with anyone, not even Snape. She would rather just die and let herself wither away while everyone else could just go back to their normal lives. The salty tears were stinging her face from the freezing cold every time one of them would roll down her face.
"Ginny, go put the stew over the fire," Mrs. Weasley called as she picked up her bustling skirts and ran outside to join Hermione and Harry, "Come dear, we need to get you in before you make yourself sick."
Hermione shook her head, "No." she cried as Harry and Mrs. Weasley helped the young witch to her feet. She fought back and yanked herself from their grasp, "I said leave me alone!" she backed up and Harry started towards her, frustrated with her stubbornness.
"What are you going to do out here? Freeze to death? C'mon Hermione, you're smarter than that. Just because of this fight doesn't mean we hate you! You're my best friend, 'Mione!" he called, holding his hand out to her.
She gulped and stared at his outstretched arm, "No I can't do this," she gazed up at Harry's bright eyes, "I am sorry. I truly am. Forgive me." Her face read of sorrow and defeat… and surrender.
"Hermione no!" Harry ran out towards her, realizing what she was going to do.
Hermione gave an apologetic look to him while tears trailed down her face in a steamy mess and she disapparated from the grounds with Harry running through the disappearing swirl that was once her figure.
She stumbled into the snow on her hands and knees in Hogsmeade. Hermione thought about just laying there, hoping she would just disappear from existence; hoping that the snow would just cover her and take her away from all of her pain and would help her escape from her miserable existence. Where was Ron? Was he thinking the same thing as she? Just wanting to die? How could she live with herself knowing what she had to Ron? It was all of her fault for causing him such hurt and despair. She did not blame him for destroying the ring and yelling at her. He had every right to and she was surprised he had not reacted more crazily. For the most part he was just mourning the loss that she would be from his life. He never told her how horrible she was or called her any names or insulted her… just mourned their love that would never come to be.
"What in the blazes do you think you are doing out here?" she heard a deep, rough voice calling to her. She didn't even care who it was when she felt her body being scooped up in a pair of strong arms, "I need to get you inside, you're freezing." He mumbled to himself as he brought her into an old pub.
He set up a chair for her by the fireplace and Hermione finally realized who it was who had brought her in from the cold, "Aberforth?"
"What were you doing out there? I thought Snape told you to floo back to the castle! Why are you walking around in the snow with no cloak on and no way to warm yourself?" he wrapped a scratchy blanket that reeked of whiskey and firewood.
Hermione clenched her jaw and bowed her head, trying to hold back tears, "I was managing just fine on my own."
"Really?" he scoffed, "You stupid girl." He sighed as he stood up and cleared a table of empty glasses and mugs that a customer had left behind, "Why didn't you listen to Snape?"
She furrowed her brows and shrugged, lifelessly, "Does it matter? I was on my way to the castle. I just wanted to be alone for awhile."
He slammed the platter down that held all of the dirty glasses he had just stacked on his which made the table wobble and the glasses jingle, he had hardly any patience, quite opposite of his brother, "And how far, pray tell, do you think you would have gotten lying face down in the snow?"
Hermione sniffed, angry that she had to talk to anyone at that moment, "Leave me alone!" she crossed her arms and glared at the flames dancing in front of her. She heard a growl from the older wizard before he stomped off,
"Severus will hear about this at once. You are not to leave until he comes to get you. You just stay there… or heaven forbid what I might do!"
She watched him storm out of the dining area and into the back of the empty pub. Not only would she have to stay with the grumpy old man but she would have to wait for another grumpy man to come pick her up only to humiliate her with insults and reprimands of her past actions. Hermione just wanted to be left alone. Her body was weak from all the sobs that had wracked her body that day and she could feel the aches and pains slowly trying to fade away with the warmth of the fire enveloping her frozen, chapped skin. Did she really want to wait for Snape to come? Of course not, she just wanted to continue walking, letting her mind unfurl all of the emotions that had been pent up in her soul for too long. She had kept herself together for an extensive period of time and she felt like she was about to blow if she didn't get herself out and away from everyone else. Hermione heard a fire being lit in the back and she figured that Aberforth was going to call on the Potions Master to tell him that she had disobeyed him and was pathetically waiting to be picked up and escorted back to the castle as if she was a poor helpless child.
Hermione was far from a child and although she was still immature, she knew she had grown over the past few months more so than she really had in her time at school. Even though her body was still frail and waif like, just as it had been throughout her school years, her mind and composure, not to mention confidence, had evolved into something much more established. Would Snape still try to lecture her and punish her for disobeying his orders when she was also the one he was in love with? Or so he said? She was tired of being treated like his student. Although she was his apprentice, she was an adult and they had shared some passionate moments that were beyond that of a student and teacher. He was the love of her life and she didn't want to be called Miss Granger anymore. Wasn't she the woman he fell in love with?
Hermione wanted to hear him yearn for her and want her… she wanted to hear him once again whisper her name on his lips with his deep voice. She wanted to hear him confess his love to her, holding nothing back. Ron had put his feelings out on the line for her and it almost made her angry that Snape had failed to do so yet. She knew that he had insecurities to get over, of course, but honestly, she just destroyed a piece of her soul by breaking it off with Ron for a man who was still hesitant to share everything with her. He was reluctant to even touch her! Ron was never doubtful about his actions with her. He always knew exactly what he was doing and had his heart in every move and every touch he gave. What would it take for Snape to do the same?
She stood up and folded the old blanket over the back of the chair before quietly slipping out into the evening snow fall. Hermione would not be ordered what to do anymore. She couldn't. She couldn't bear to be scolded and reproved for something that she had to do… and could anyone truly blame her for wanting to be alone after such a disaster? She sniveled and wiped her runny nose on her sleeve as she wrapped her arms around her in the cold and continued her journey back to the castle. Berating herself for leaving her cloak back at the Burrow, she shivered as she let fugitive and runaway tears escape her tired eyes. She was exhausted and just wanted to go to bed. Hermione didn't want to be lectured and have to explain her actions to her superiors. She just wanted to be left alone to her own devices and left alone to grieve for her loss: Ron.
Snow started to fall more heavily and she started to question her choice of coming out in the freezing cold weather without any proper clothing besides a large sweater that was loosely knit, letting the cold breeze wrap itself around her frail figure through the crocheted material. She was given more hope and kept up her pace once she saw the warm lights of Hogwarts leading her back after the sun had set. Hermione was numb as her emotions etched away at her heart. She was beginning to question everything. What had she done to Ron? He was supposed to be her soul mate! He was always supposed to be the one she grew old with. How did she find a way to let Severus Snape, the bat of the dungeons, into her heart and replace the red headed boy that she had grown up with and loved so much? Did she even love the older man or was it just an infatuation of mystery and new experiences? She wrapped her arms around herself tighter and rubbed her hands over herself, letting the sweater slip off her shoulder as she furiously massaged her arms to warmth that seemed to never come.
Hermione sighed as she passed Hagrid's cabin and stared up at the lights that were shining like a beacon from the Great Hall, guiding her home. Hogwarts was the only place she felt safe. She knew that when she went to bed that night that she would be wrapped with a security that only the old castle could truly give. Clenching her jaw, trying to distract her from the frost in the air that blew ferociously against her, she watched her feet disappeared into the rising snow with each step. Hermione could not feel her nose or ears and her fingers felt too stiff to bend or flex. Her toes were numb as her boots did nothing to shield from the sopping wetness that was the snow. Her nose was running more and she could feel her eyelashes hardening from frost collecting on the delicate lash line that made it hurt to blink. Where was Snape? It had been a few hours since she escaped from the Hog's Head and she wondered if he was following after her or waiting for her back at the castle. Either way, she knew he would be furious with her but she just sniffed and kept walking towards her destination.
She could hear the Great Hall was bustling with the students that stayed over the holiday and Hermione was grateful that there wasn't much of a chance to run into any staff members because of the dinner as she walked through the Entrance Hall. Hermione quickly paced through the warm corridors that were trying to thaw out her frozen limbs as she hustled towards the Potions classroom, figuring that that would most likely be the last place that Snape would be, especially if he was trying to look for her outside. Finally able to straighten her arms from the constricting temperatures once she was in the heat and security that was Hogwarts, she made her way down the winding steps towards the dungeons.
The torches were lit, lighting the dark stone hallways and gave off an eerie almost greenish glow that she had become so accustomed to. The smell of potion ingredients surrounded her senses when she opened up the doors to the classroom and softly shut them behind her. Hermione finally relaxed and let her breathing slow now that she was in the comfort of her familiar. Snape was nowhere to be seen and she silently thanked whatever forces out there that seemed to be on her side that evening. She opened the potions cabinet and wiped at her watery eyes and frozen lashes, searching for a dreamless sleeping draught that would hopefully knock her out for the night. She just wanted to be in the comfort of her own bed with the crackling fire playing her a lullaby for her to nod off to. Emotions overcame her once more as she saw the perfect script on each vial… Snape's handwriting was more like a perfected calligraphic style. It was beautiful… just like the man who wrote it.
She instantly regretted the thoughts she had had and the doubts that plagued her mind on the walk back to the castle about Snape and his feelings towards her. She just couldn't help it with all the feelings that were pent up inside of her from the Burrow. Hermione clumsily searched through the cabinet, looking for the tonic that would aid her in her sorrows. She paused when her fingers brushed over a large bottle with his writing on the label, Vulneris Morsis. Hermione laughed bitterly, she surely could use some of the leftover potion that he had made so long ago. She shook her head; she deserved to feel the pain she caused Ron. Surely she couldn't just escape it while Ron was suffering. Hermione's head swarmed with thoughts and she seated herself after she found the potion she was looking for. Is this what Lily felt when she left Snape for James Potter? Hermione had to admit that for once she actually felt sympathy for Harry's mother. It must have been very hard for her to leave the friend she had grown up and confided with for another. She realized that she was doing the exact same thing to Ron that Lily had done to Snape.
Hermione hid her head in her folded arms and started crying. Crying for the woman she had misjudged. Lily Evans had done what she did because she fell in love with James Potter and Hermione knew exactly what it felt like to be put in that position. It was terrible and miserable. She was so confused about the men in her life and she had not a clue which would be the best choice… for her. Well she did know but the best choice wasn't the one she wanted. Hermione wept for the misery she was causing, the heartbreak she was feeling and the unclear future ahead of her. In that moment, all the hatred and jealousy for Lily was swept away and an understanding between her and the woman who had held Hermione's teacher's heart for so long had been formed. Even though the choice may not be easy, the heart is what really mattered in the end. Hermione Granger's heart yearned for Severus Snape.
She heard the door open with slow, steady footsteps coming towards her. Hermione ignored the owner of them and shut her eyes tightly, waiting to be lectured. Squeezing the vial in her hand securely, she sniveled and took a deep breath, trying to slow her breathing from her sobbing. She felt weight on the back of her chair and realized that whoever it was behind her, was leaning on back of her seat, "Dreamless Sleep?"
Her eyes shot open and she wiped the tears off her wet face that was still numb from the cold. Hermione sat up a bit to see Professor Snape reading the label on the vial she was holding, leaning on the back of her chair with on hand, comfortably. She said nothing as she looked up to see him watching her with an expression impossible to read through her tears. He bent down towards her defeated figure and pushed a wet curl out of her face,
"I was worried about you." He said simply, not scolding or teacher-like.
Hermione furrowed her brows before hiding her face once more in her arms, away from him. Snape stood up but remained at her side while she continued to cry. He stayed that way for a good half hour, letting her weep for everything that had happened that day. She was quite surprised that he had not reprimanded her at all for disobeying his wishes. They were good intentioned because he didn't want to see her get hurt in any way and she had broken them because of her own selfish needs. She sniffed again and lifted her head. When he saw her do this he came back to her side, low to the ground to eye level with a hope and nervousness glittering in his black eyes that Hermione had never seen before. Why did he look that way? She didn't care at the moment but was grateful that he had let her cry and had stayed by her side throughout. He was completely different to Ron and he showed his affections in different ways than the boy she grew up with, but she didn't mind, he was a different person and Hermione had to accept it.
She wiped at her eyes, "I want to use my Christmas present now," Hermione sniffed, bowing her head while Snape seemed confused, "You said you would let me do whatever I wanted with you by my side for one night."
He stood up and leaned a hand against the back of the chair, "I hardly think this is the appropriate time, Miss Granger—"
"You promised me!" she felt more tears running down.
He paused for a moment but then nodded, "I did, didn't I?" it was more of a statement than a question.
Hermione weakly stood up, leaning on the desk for support from her spasmodic muscles that were contracting from the cold meeting the warmth of the castle. Snape was instantly bracing her full weight with worry on his face but said nothing as Hermione latched onto him and wrapped her heavy arms around his waist pitifully, "Stay with me thru the night?" she asked him, letting her head tilt back so she could see his response, not that he had much of a choice…
He sucked in a sharp breath before releasing it and nodded slowly, "Of course," he looked down to her hopeful expression filled with grief and sighed, "But you need to rest. I will stay with you if you will rest in bed."
She buried her face back in his coat and nodded her head as Snape led her to her room. What was he doing? He opened the door for Hermione who quietly walked in and waited for him to close it before she went any further, almost afraid to go on without him.
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