Time Passes

Its funny how things change.

Before the virus happened I was a slave to my watch and to the time. I used to lose count of the number of times I would check my bedside or wall clock in a day always wanting to be early – always chasing the minutes. But now time is dead, it doesn't matter anymore. I'm finding myself living by nature - sleeping when its dark and waking when its light with no idea at all of adult-timing.

The seasons have changed too…well not changed exactly, but merged. I wear my jumper when I'm cold and when its hot we go swimming or such-like. I've even begun to forget what things used to be like in the before times. The times when I was a child, in the younger half of the population – not one of the oldest…I still remember my family, and what it felt like having as much food as you wanted, whenever you wanted…what it was like to spend all of a rainy Sunday in the bathtub covered in bubbles…or curled up in the warmth of my family-room, next to my dad, with Sara on my lap, reading a book…

I remember Sunday mornings, pancake-day for my family. How mum and Sara would make them as I rose from a comfortable slumber in my soft bed, I'd go down stairs and dad would be reading the paper. I used to have lashings of lemon and sugar on mine, making them so sweet my teeth would hurt. I remember going to the seaside as a family, taking Sara to the zoo, watching her little face light up with happiness as we played, carefree under the watchful eyes of our parents. I remember those times and I long for them, my heart aches for that kind of mindless indulgence, for those times when everyday was easy, when every minute wasn't a struggle…

In a way I guess you could say time has disappeared. The weeks melt together, days drift into days and I couldn't tell anyone how long we've been here in the forest, it feels like a lifetime. Malaika is our only true timer now, she and her unborn child. She's starting to show now, and I think the morning sickness has settled down. At a guess I'd say she's about five months gone…maybe…it's hard to tell because she's so thin. I try to give her some of my food, when I can – she needs more than me, but stocks are running low even with our own constant supply of veg and a carefully planned rationing system.

No one's been back to the city. They visit local villages to get what we need, but even that stuffs running out…sooner or later we'll have to return there…

I can't believe I've forgotten about my diary for so long! At one time this used to be my only escape route, my only way to make sense of everything…but my life seems to moving along so quickly, I can't find the time to sit down and write anymore.

Jay…sometimes I feel so stupid, but every time I think about him or even take the time to write his name I find myself going all gooey. I find my lips turning themselves into an automatic smile, a smile which never seems to wipe itself away – I'm doing it now just writing this, and I can feel the familiar flutter of butterflies swarming up inside my tummy. I never imagined loving someone would be like this…I don't know what I expected, but it was nothing like this. I've never felt so happy, or needed, or safe or…

He's sleeping now, just a little way-away, I can hear his soft whispers of breath as I write but I must fight the urge to look at him. Looking at him would make me lose all sense of reality and catching up on this diary…if I could see him, curled up…or lying on his front – that's the usual…the muscles of his back exposed and moving as his back rises and falls with his respiration, his blonde hair…which is freshly bleached but in need of a cut, tousled and lying on the soft nape of his neck…if I could see that for real, rather than just in my mind, I would abandon this writing in order to touch him softly, to kiss his arms just to make sure he was still real…to make sure I hadn't been dreaming these blissful months of togetherness.

We talk about the future a lot now, Jay and I, about how we can make things better in this world of chaos. He has this crazy idea of starting a school, but I have to admit I find his craziness endearing…he was so enthusiastic about it that I suggested we made a schooling-system for Sara, and now, every morning we take it in turns to teach her all the things we know: Maths, Science, English, History…and now we've even started with general living. Teaching her how to tell the difference between poisonous berries and edible ones, things like that. We try to make it fun, practising for the future of our own personal curriculum! We've promised each other that by two winters time we will have found a building to teach in…

My dream is a little different and fuelled by something close to my own heart. I want to get some hospitals up and running…somewhere clean and safe for Malaika and her baby –and if not her then the others like her. Somewhere Sara could be treated if she ever got sick again…Jay agrees wholeheartedly and this is the next thing we want to do together.

All these dreams seem so grand, but really they should be small necessities, small needs for such a big world…

I worry about Mali and I know Scott does too, I can see it when he watches her and never lets her struggle with anything. We both want to make this pregnancy as simple as possible…but how can we when she'll have no where to have it…no medicine or anything…Jay says that it's natural to give birth, and that things should be okay as long as we make sure the birthing room is clean and sterilised.

I'm glad that Malaika has Cooper and Scott to look after her and Beth too…the old sweet Beth, the girl who really does care about her friends…and Lance. Lance has been so good to Mali and she deserves it, she really does deserve some sort of happiness.

Sara seems to be growing up a little bit quicker these days…she still plays with her doll and remains the innocent she always was, but sometimes when I look into her eyes I see a remarkable wise-ness, something that was never really there before…I hope I'm not making her lose her childhood, I hope I'm not forcing her into her adult-life far too soon…I don't want her to lose what is rightfully hers, I don't want her growing old before her time…no kid should have to do that – but some have no choice…in this relationship I get the choice, and I won't allow it to be taken away from her – not for anything in the world.

The mood in the house at the moment is pretty peaceful I guess. There's no love lost between Louisa and I…but no damage was done with that little incident, and in a way I feel kinda sorry for the girl, having to throw herself at guys to feel like a better person…other than her, I'm getting on great with everyone…at least with everything going so smoothly it gives me pleanty of time to think about stuff…stuff like my future and what I want.

I've realised over the past few months that I do want to get married, and I do want children and I do want the happy-ever-after-ending. This may not be the ideal world for a little baby, or the world I would wish for my child but it's not so bad. We all take care of each other, we all work together, we're a family and what more could a little child want but a dozen or more loving aunts uncles and cousins? But for now I've put my wants and hope and wishes on pause…

Grace paused in her writing as Jay murmured and rubbed his eyes sleepily. "What are you doing?" He whispered with a smile.

"Diary." She said simply. "I'm nearly finished…"

Jay moved to the end of their bed, which was still the pull-out sofa bed, and gently ran his fingers through her freshly washed and brushed hair. "Busy-head huh?" He murmured knowingly putting his lips and nose to her shoulder; nuzzling them against her soft, warm flesh.

Grace let her right hand trail over his warm, hard chest as he planted tiny, sleepy kisses over every piece of bare flesh he could find.

I used to wish for lots of things for myself. A career, a family, pretty-house – new shoes! – Happiness…but now I've tasted love everything else seems incidental. Love is something that is taken for granted until it has to be fought for and when I look at Jay I know that if I had a million lives to live I'd fight through them all just to feel the warmth his loving gaze. I may not always be happy or healthy or have all the things I want, but I can honestly say that I've been lucky. I'm loving and being loved and I couldn't wish for anything more.

Closing the book and placing the pen loving on top, Grace turned her attention to Jay, putting a gentle finger to his lips and bringing her nose down to brush against his. "I love you Jay Ripley…" She purred looking deeply into his eyes.

"Well that's good Gracey Owen…" Her murmured back huskily as he brought his lips to meet hers with a hazy lightness. "Because I love you too…"