Tommy woke early with Jude tucked in the lock of his arms under her heavy winter comforter. The light glowing from the window suggested the time was about 6:30am. He glanced at the clock over his shoulder and proved his suspicion. Jude would be gone in less than three hours. The thought had his arms curling even tighter around her. The green glow of the alarm clock dimed as the sunlight grew brighter and Tommy slipped just along the barrier of sleep until it began casting stripes across the bedroom.

Tommy's fingers mindlessly ran along the bare skin of Jude's stomach, down to her abdomen and back up to her collar bone, his head merged in deep thoughts. The previous day with Jude was nearly perfect - it was like they'd taken a time machine back to the first few weeks of their relationship, when it was untouched by the grief they harbored now. He sighed softly into her hair, and breathed in the scent of her lavender shampoo. Despite what he's made her think, Tommy never stopped loving Jude. His hand wrapped around hers under the blanket and his thumb stroked the finger where her ring should be. He wished she had it, wished he could once again call her his forever, but he's gone and made everything complicated again.

With another check of the time, Tommy kissed Jude's forehead and quietly crawled out of bed. As he sloppily pulled on his clothes, he formulated a plan of how to make things right again. The only thing in the way of their relationship was him, and as hard as it would be, it's a problem that could be fixed. But if taking off was the only solution he wouldn't leave Jude in the dark again. As much as he would miss her, maybe a little time apart would be good for them. Only, he didn't want Jude to use that time to decide she didn't want to try again. He needed her to know that without a doubt, things would be different, and that there would never be a repeat of the hell that occurred in New Brunswick. And he wanted to tell her that there will never be anyone other than her. As all this flooded his mind, he scribbled them on a Starbucks napkin.

Tommy skidded to a stop in front of his building and jogged up to his apartment. Over five minutes passed while he dug through the suitcase he hasn't bothered to properly unpack, that still laid in the middle of the living room, looking for Jude's ring. Once he found it, he sought out some paper and a pen and copied the things he'd written in the car. On a separate sheet, he wrote out some confessions that he didn't have the time - or balls - to say to her face. She'd be pissed, but what choice did he have? If this was going to be a true fresh start, Jude had to know everything. No more of this keeping secrets shit. Fully honest, all the way. He sealed the letter into a plain white envelope, along with her ring.

As he crossed the living room, he noticed the wreck his apartment's in - he hasn't had the will power to clean since he got back. He'll need to, though, and re-pack...good thing he didn't plan on working today.

A couple years back, when Sadie and Jude were fighting, Sadie had once said that when it comes to Tommy, Jude's like a pathetic lost puppy chasing a bone. Jude wanted to scream something horrible back to her, but nothing came to mind. Truth is that she felt like a lost puppy chasing a bone back then. And now that she's thought about it, that's how she's always felt when it came to Tommy. Constantly chasing after something she couldn't quite get a grasp on, but couldn't help but running after it.

Jude sighed, idly rolling her ring from one corner of her envelope to the other as she lay on the bed of her room on the tour bus. There was a few creases in it from being constantly folded and unfolded, showing just how much she's debated this moment; finally reading the letter. In all honesty, she wanted to read it because she missed Tommy, and he said she shouldn't call unless she read it, but was worried about how worried Tommy sounded about it. If this letter could potentially end their relationship for good, she didn't want her last talk with Tommy to be their last. She wanted her last thought of Tommy to be good before it all went downhill. Or maybe she's just over analyzing...

.

Jude blew out a deep breath through her lips and pulled out her cell phone. Screw it She thought, but his phone went straight to voicemail. "Hey," She said when it beeped "It's me...I've been thinking about you, and I miss you a lot so please call when you get this. Love you, bye." Jude ended the call and held up the envelope again, this was the perfect time - she was the furthest away from him as possible. The last show had been in Vancouver, and they were currently driving along the very edge of the country, headed north toward Juneau; and from there, they'd fly back home for Christmas, and pick up the tour again in January. Would Tommy be home by then? Jude flinched away from that tempting thought. She couldn't think like that. Right now she had to remain objective, and read the letter.

After a few calming breaths, Jude sat up and ripped the letter open. As she pulled out the letter, her ring dropped to her lap. The sight of it brought back a lot of memories; hardly any were good. She set the ring aside and unfolded the two sheets of notebook paper; On top both sheets were Dear Jude., like they were two separate letters. Nothing marked which should be read first so, she just went with the one on top:

Dear Jude,

Jude took a deep breath, like one a diver would take before hitting the water and continued,

First and foremost, I want you to know that I love you more than anything in this world, and I would never intentionally hurt you. I honestly can't explain to you why I've done what I did, and there's absolutely no excuse for it. I know you deserve much more, but all I have to offer you is an apology, and I don't expect you to accept it.

With all that's happened, you've somehow managed to come out of it standing - I have endless respect for you. You've always been strong, and I regret forcing you to exercise that strength. You're the only one in my whole life who has truly seen me at my worst, and don't hate me for it - at least, I hope you don't hate me. And if you do, I'm sure I'll hate myself enough for the both of us. Nothing that happened was your fault. Nothing. Not my temper, not the things my mother did, and especially not the baby. If anything the miscarriage was my fault, and please don't argue me on that.

As much as I want us to just move on and forget the whole thing, I know we can't, far too much has happened, and I don't want to forget our baby. But what I'm asking is a chance to try again. I swear that it'll be different this time, I'm not sure how, but I know it will be. I know in time I can be the man you deserve. That being said, I'd like to let you know that I'm leaving Toronto for a while, while you're on tour. I need time on my own to figure myself out. I'm not sure where I'll be going or how long I'll be there, but I'll never be out of touch. Just please don't give up on me yet, Jude. If you could find in your heart, please give me another chance.

But...I know the pain you're in. So if you can't, I'll understand.

I'll always be waiting, though. You're the only one for me, I honestly can't imagine a life without you. I need you, more than you know, and more than you need me.

If you're willing to give us another chance, when you're done with your tour, come meet me where ever I am, and we'll go where ever you want. Maybe we can finally make it to Thailand, or we can spend some time living in an apartment in New York, like you've always wanted. Whatever. As long as I'm with you, I don't care where we are.

I love you with all my heart, and my last request is that you please think this though before deciding.

-Tommy

Jude's eyes squeezed shut, and a few tears trailed down her face. Her first instinct was to call him, and tell him yes, that she did want to try again, and that she loved and needed him just as much as he did. She wanted to be in his arms, lying on a beach in Thailand, talking about their future together. Jude held her head in her hands and stared down at the second letter Tommy wrote and began to think that maybe she read the wrong one first.

She forced down the lump in her throat and wiped her tears with the back of her arm. With bated breath and shaky hands, she brought second letter into her blurry view. She read the first few sentences mindlessly, not able to make sense of them. Her watery eyes shifted to the ring on the mattress next to her. She slipped it on her finger and just stared at it for a while.

Jude almost didn't want to read whatever bad news is in the second letter. She didn't want to know any new secrets that he's kept from her, it would be too much. She considered what harm it would cause to just not read it, and say she did. But what if he kept something huge from her? She couldn't live with not knowing, and maybe lying to Tommy wouldn't be a good habit to start right now.

Still crying a little, Jude tried to read the letter again; silently mouthing the words to keep her focused.

Dear Jude,

Maybe it's a little stupid to write you twice, but if you end up throwing this one out - I really want you to keep the other, as a reminder.

For starters, I lied when I said I didn't know who my father was. Truth is, I lived with my dad for about five years, and he was horrible. He was a violent drunk. I watched him hurt my mother almost every day, watched him explode over the smallest things. And when I lost my temper with you, I felt like my father. And after that, when I treated you so coldly on the phone, I realized that's who I was turning in to. I was scared I might hurt you again, scared that you'd be resorted to walking on eggshells like I had to around my dad. That's the real reason I made you leave. I know it was shit timing, and I shouldn't have done it, but that's why I did.

I also lied when I told you that all I did back in New Brunswick was weed - I did coke too. I was actually a little fucked up on it the day you came out, but I didn't do any while you were with me. I did get high a couple times, though - on weed, and I stopped that too, but not for a while. Actually, a few of the fights we had early on were triggered by me being high

Jude's eyebrows gathered over her eyes, and her cold fingers dropped the letter to her lap as she thought back to the first month with Tommy in New Brunswick. She couldn't remember ever suspecting he was high; there were a few times she thought he was drunk, but maybe that was the drugs. And what did he mean 'The fights we had'? Jude thought, her fists clenching Has be broadened the definition of 'we' to mean, him throwing a fit, and me taking it?. Jude's head slowly shook back and forth, trying to blend all this new information with everything that happened. If Tommy was high when he'd had his first few fits, that meant that his whole 'I was trapped in the past' bullshit wasn't true - and if he really did stop, then how does he explain the other times he's been an ass to her? And why lie? Why not just tell her he was smoking weed, and that his dad was an abusive dick?

Jude groaned with a disorienting confusion. The last few times they talked, Tommy seemed so honest, so sincere…how had Jude missed his lying? She sucked in a deep breath rested her head in her hands.

Maybe it was both, Jude rationalized after five long minutes of unclogging her mind He mentioned the drugs when he said he was sucked in to the past, so even though he wasn't honest about not smoking, or doing the 'harder drugs', that could still be true. Seven deep breaths later, Jude was back to being pissed. Why had he been stupid enough to be high around her? Shouldn't he know that when he's fucked up like that his actions are unpredictable? With a huff, she ripped the ring from her finger and threw it toward the door.

Jude frowned at the floor, she expected new tears to come to her eyes but they ran dry. Was that even possible? Was she actually beyond crying? She brushed it off and thought about Tommy's dad...there was really no reason to lie about that. He could've said that his dad was abusive and dropped it; Jude wouldn't have pressed it or judged him for it. And now that she knew...she kind of - in a very tiny way - understood what Tommy meant. If he saw his dad hit his mom, he must have had flashbacks when it came to their fight. But on the other hand, since he's been exposed to that, why had he let it go so far?

"Temper, temper" Jude murmured under her breath. Both his parents have issues, double whammy. She kind of saw how Tommy could see himself as destructive - he's the off spring of two temper sensitive, violent people - but that isn't his fault. A long, quiet sigh came through Jude's lips as she resumed reading the letter; might as well have all the information before getting working up.

And I'm sure I'll regret that for the rest of my life. I'm not blaming the drugs, though, or using it as an excuse. What I did was my fault. Period.

I know you're probably wondering why I lied, and the honest truth is that I don't know. It's a reflex, I guess. With you, I always try, but I slip up sometimes and I'm sorry for that. And I'm pretty sure that's all behind me, because there isn't anything left you don't know - You are the only one who knows everything about me, and there isn't anyone I trust more. I swear to you that the lies are over. I'm done being that guy, I want us to have the open relationship we had before my family drama got involved. I'm honestly not sure what I'm doing or where I'm going, but I want you with me. And I know I'm being selfish, and that I'm asking a lot, but just consider it. Please.

I love you

-Tommy

Jude inhaled a deep breath though her nose, and caught the faint scent of Tommy's cologne that clung loosely to the hoodie she had on. It wasn't like Tommy hadn't promised not to lie before or that this is the first time he's said she knows everything, but she didn't doubt him either. Believe it or not, Jude trusted everything he said in both letters. That didn't fix much, though. He still lied, he still treated her like shit for two months, and made her travel while having a miscarriage of his baby. Even though she's forgiven him, it doesn't mean it stopped hurting.

The last few months, she's been bouncing back and forth between whether Tommy's at fault or not, and she still didn't have a solid answer; She didn't believe Tommy did what he did intentionally, but he still could have stopped himself, if he tried. And that's what she'll have to leave it as: It isn't Tommy's fault, but it is. It was a slippery surface, but one Jude could live with. Let bygones be bygones.

Jude retrieved her ring from the floor and stuffed it, and the letters back in the envelope. Once she had it stashed safely under the mattress, her phone rang: Tommy calling. "Impeccable timing." Jude muttered, staring at her phone. She waited until he left a voicemail to turn it off, she couldn't talk to him now. The sound of his voice might scramble up her decision making. She did love Tommy still, even after what she's read - and that wasn't as bad as she'd worried it would be. When compared to other things he's kept from her, these were lower on the list of importance. The thought of running off with Tommy was tempting, but that wasn't anything new. She might always want him, no matter what.

There was that feeling again - the one of feeling like a lost puppy, hopefully following a stranger home with the hope of a warm place to sleep. Once Jude really thought about it, she felt sort of ridiculous. Her time in New Brunswick had been spent taking anything Tommy would give, like a dog begging for scraps. Her love for him kept her yearning after him, no matter what. In retrospect, it seemed so pathetic; after all he did, she still did anything he asked, no matter the volume of the request. She still had sex with him, comforted him. Anything. And now he was asking her to chase after him again? It was his turn to do some running, Jude decided grumpily, he needed to fight for once and prove that she was what he really wanted.

About an hour of debating later, Jude pulled out her journal and ripped out an empty page. She stared at it for a while, trying to word what she's thinking just right. Eventually, she ended up writing a single sentence across the center of the paper, with nothing surrounding it. It was time Tommy started fighting too.