Wait, Listen, Challenge

Hospital – Outside Sam's Room – 5:03 pm

Jules had been approaching Sam's room when she saw the rest of the team storm into it. She ran at full speed wondering what had happened. She ran around a stunned Dr. Markson and into the room passing Lou. She came to a dead stop next to Spike.

Dr. Markson stood taken aback for several moments by their action and just started to move as Jules ran past him into the room. What the hell were they doing? His patient had demanded privacy and he would make sure he got it, wasn't he supposed to allow Sam control. Why were they ignoring what Sam requested?

He stopped in his tracks at Mr. Lane's loud outburst. Jeezus that man was loud. Just what the hell did he mean by it? He started to move forward again only a few steps outside the room.

Hospital – Sam's Room – 5:03 pm

Lou had stopped just inside the door as Jules ran past him. He was startled by Ed's yell as he looked at Sam. He instantly pivoted back to the door. He saw the doctor about to enter and gently but firmly pushed the man from the room as he said "Dr. Markson, Sam needs his team now, we have it covered."

Then he closed the door and locked it, effectively barring anyone else from entering the room. Lou refused to allow anyone else see Sam in this vulnerable state. His protectiveness for his teammate in high gear. It was bad enough they had to witness it. He steeled himself and turned back toward Sam and moved to stand next to Jules.

Sam was curled in a fetal position on the bed. Tears streaming down his face. A completely desolate look on his face. No sounds emitted. He had no reaction to Ed's words even though the entire hospital probably heard them. Sam hadn't even flinched.

The six of them looked to each other. Holy hell, what were they going to do? Sam clearly needed help but no one knew what to do.

Jules quickly turned her head away unable to bear the hopelessness she saw in his eyes.

Greg tried to reach him calmly saying "Sam, Sam, can you look at me?"

No response.

Spike's unsure voice called out "Hey buddy, it's going to be okay, talk to us."

No response.

Wordy moved forward, afraid to touch him, not wanting to spook an ex-soldier after Patch's warning last night. He squatted down lowering his face level with Sam's trying to make eye contact but they were unfocused and unseeing even though they were open. He whispered "Sam, what do you need?"

No response, not even a blink.

[Army Base Helopad] & Hospital – Sam's Room – 5:10 pm

After watching for a few minutes, knowing they were completely out of their depth with this Ed walked to the far corner of the room away from Sam. He pulled out his phone and quickly dialed a number. After four rings it was answered.

["Blain, here."]

Ed's hard edged voice urgently said "Blaze, how do we get through to Sam?"

["What?" Blaze replied confused at the strange question but hearing the urgency.]

"We need your help man. Sam is F.I.N.E. How do we get to him?" Ed said instantly.

[Crap, what the hell happened? Knowing it was bad if Blondie was fine and Ed was calling for help. Needing to understand the circumstance Blaze quickly said "Explain what happened."]

"The doctor just told Sam that his lungs will not heal enough to return to work. Sam requested no visitors but told the doctor he was fine. We pushed past the doctor into his room and found Sam curled in a tight ball arms locked around his knees. His eyes are open but unfocused and he is completely unresponsive, almost catatonic." Ed explained quickly.

["Aw shit Blondie, no not this, don't do it" he said choked with emotion. But realizing he needed to help he pulled himself together cleared his throat and stated firmly "You need to stay with him. Do not under any circumstances leave him alone. I repeat do not leave him alone for even a second. This has happened only once before. Matt had to sit with him for three weeks."]

Not liking where his thoughts went, remembering what Patch had said in the waiting room the night of the gang war. Something about Matt sitting with Sam for three weeks to keep him from eating a bullet. Ed angrily interrupted "Blaze, are you saying what I think you are saying?"

["Yes" he stated flatly.]

"God damn it. Would he really?" Ed raged then asked in disbelief. The team was staring at him now.

[Blaze responded with raw tightly held emotion "The night Matt found him just like that he sat with him for several hours waiting for us to return. All the while Blondie never moved with his eyes wide open. Worried about him but not realizing the severity of his state Matt finally decided to come find us. Luckily we had just arrived and we were right outside. We almost lost Blondie because he was alone for less than two fucking minutes. Thank god Matt was fast enough to save him."]

[Blaze took several ragged breaths trying to regain control as he shared his memory. "In those few seconds Matt left him alone, Blondie had found my reserve gun. I kept hidden in my bunk. Didn't think anyone knew about it. When Matt and I walked back into the room Blondie was seated on the floor by my bunk and had the gun pressed firmly and directly to his heart. He had the safety off and his finger was on the damned trigger just about to squeeze when Matt dove at him and knocked it away. The bullet went into the wall."]

The rest of the teams' apprehension was increasing exponentially watching as Ed's whole body tensed and a hard look locked into place as he listened to what Blaze was telling him. What the hell was Blaze saying?

[Rage at all the unfairness and crap life had thrown at Blondie and that he was unable to be there to help Blaze's voice changed to anger "God damn it, I can't get there. We are deploying now, just waiting for the pilot. Never leave him even if you think it is a totally secure environment. Leaving him alone was Matt's only mistake and we nearly lost him. Remember, Blondie is Special Forces trained and resourceful. He knows too damned many ways to kill and die that only take seconds."]

Ed's mind was racing through everything he has learned about Sam in the past weeks searching for anything that might help. "Can Patch help?" Ed asked hopefully.

["Patch does physical wounds, this freaks him out. He doesn't handle it well; scares the shit out of him and he is too emotional to be of help when Blondie is like this. Remember his panic in the ravine?" Blaze responded.]

Ed didn't remember he wasn't focused on Patch at the ravine so he asked "What did Matt do? What worked then? What brought him back?" Ed was desperate for guidance on how to proceed.

[The line was silent as Blaze brought forward those memories. They hit him like a ton of bricks. He hated those memories with a passion. Shit this was not going to be easy for them. He hoped at least one of them was strong enough to do it.

Blaze never understood how Matt had managed. He had to leave the room. Everyone except Matt had left unable to deal with it. It was too gut wrenching, but it did work.

"Before I tell you I need to know, how bad is it physically? Is there even the slightest chance of full recovery? If the answer is yes then what Matt did might work. If no I'm at a total loss on how to proceed" Blaze said hoping there was a tiny sliver of hope.]

"The doctor said that the scans showed significant damage and he should prepare for a change in career. He told him that only time would tell and that he didn't know if they would ever recover enough" Ed answered wondering why that would make a difference.

[A flicker of optimism laced Blaze's words spoke "Based on that you have a small hook to try and drag him back with. It is going to be excruciating painful to do what Matt did. I could not bear it and had to leave. If anyone on your team can do it, I think it will be you. I do not think the others can handle it. Their emotions show too plainly on their faces."]

"What do I need to do?" Ed questioned with trepidation. He had heard the hope in his voice but dreaded what his words implied. What the hell did Matt do that Blaze couldn't handle? That man was solid.

[It sounds easy but it is not. You need to wait, listen then challenge him.]

What the hell Ed thought? What was so painful about that? Confused, Ed asked "What do you mean wait, listen, challenge? Why is that not easy?"

The team was getting antsy they wanted to know what was being said. Ed's side of the conversation made no sense. What was Blaze saying? They needed to do something now. Sam had not moved a muscle and tears were still falling. Concern showed readily on their faces as they looked at Ed. Ed noted their concern but focused on what Blaze was saying.

[Blaze explained "Wait with him. Wait until he is ready to talk. He will talk eventually but you have to give him time to process inside first. Don't push him to talk, just wait until he is ready. With Matt it took three weeks before Blondie was ready to talk. You cannot leave him alone during this time. He is too vulnerable and that is when he is likely to take actions none of us want."]

"Do you think it will take that long this time?" Ed asked.

["I have no idea how long it will take him this time. But when he starts to talk just listen to him. Let him pour out his fears and his agony. Listen impassively. Do not judge. Do not pity. Do not try to rationalize what he says. Just accept. I'm praying you can bear his pain. That you will not allow the things you hear to change your view of him. That you can just accept him as a man, one who has endured and come out stronger not someone who is damaged and is to be pitied."

The line went silent for several long moments. Ed could hear Blaze breathing heavily. It sounded like he was trying to calm and collect himself. He was about to say something when Blaze exhaled deeply then started to talk again.

[Exhaling deeply Blaze said "This is very important. You cannot show emotion, especially pity; that will send him over the edge. That is why I had to leave. The part I could not bear, only Matt was strong enough among us to listen. You need to be very strong to hear the excruciating pain that comes out and not react. When he started talking about what those bastards did to him with the needles he saw my face and read the horror at the atrocity and pity I was feeling for him. He went berserk and tried to grab my knife, screaming he wanted to die."]

Ed blanched. Could he do this he wondered? Could he hear Sam tell how he was tortured and not show emotion? He resolved that he had no other choice. Sam was important to them and if that is the only way to bring him back he would do it. So he said simply "I will do what is necessary to help Sam. I will listen. What do you mean by challenge him?"

[Calm again more positive inflection in his words Blaze instructed "When he is done talking he will ask a question. With Matt, Blondie talked for five hours straight. When he was done he asked Matt why he couldn't just die. That finally threw Matt for a loop. He was at a loss for words, what to say. I had finally schooled my emotions and come back in the room just in time to hear his question. That's when I threw out a challenge to him."]

"How did you challenge him?"

["I challenged him to live. Made him see that if he died the bastards had won and that his living was the best way to get back at them. That he hadn't survived three months of torture to just roll over and die and let them win. Made him see that every day he lived and saw the beauty of life was a symbolic 'fuck you' to the bastards that hurt him so badly."

"That is when Matt created beauty and helped Sam find a way to put the hurt away and find the beauty of life. That first six months was hell and we had to help him when he faltered but eventually he thought less of it and just moved on with living. But it was that challenge that pulled him back."]

Ed's mind was still reeling from all Blaze said not seeing the challenge right in front of his face when he said "Would beauty help now? I'm not seeing that challenge working again. It's not the same circumstances."

["Beauty won't work unless Blondie asks for it. Patch has it, get it just in case. Your hook to bring him back is that the doctor said he did not know, that time would tell. Those indicate there might be a sliver of hope. All Blondie needs is a flicker of hope to pull himself up again."

"Challenge him to prove the doctor wrong, prove the scans wrong. If he starts asking how he can do that you have him hooked and he will come back. His mind will begin to focus on meeting the challenge. He is stubborn and will lock onto it with all his strength. You will see it in his eyes. Blondie's eyes tell all. His masks do not work on his eyes. Help him find ways to win this challenge."]

He could do that. They could do that. "Copy that" Ed said with conviction hearing the optimism in Blaze's voice and a small feeling of relief trickled through his body. He now had a tactical plan. Not an easy one but at least he had a plan.

[There were sounds of a helicopter warming up in the background as Blaze said "I wish I could be there to help. I'm counting on you to keep Blondie safe. Please bring him back from the edge. I gotta go now, gotta board the bird. Have Blondie call me when you get him back to okay." he finished his voice choked with emotion.]

"Thank you Blaze. We will bring Sam back. He will be good." Ed stated firmly and ended the call.

Hospital – Sam's Room – 5:30 pm

The team all looked at Ed anxiously as there was a knock on the door. Jules went to the door and called out "What do you want?"

"It's me Scott and the General. Why is Sam's door locked? What's going on?" Scott asked concerned.

Jules turned to Ed and Greg "Boss, do I let them in?"

Greg looked to Ed questioningly. He had spoken to Blaze and may know better. A slight nod yes from Ed and Greg said "Yes."

Jules opened the door a fraction to ensure it was only them. Then said "Quickly" as she opened it just enough for them to enter the room. She shut and relocked it as soon as they entered.

Ed had taken this short distraction to consider how much he should he share. It was one thing to know generally Sam had once wanted to die but quite another to hear the details. He decided some things should stay private. So he decided to explain only what was necessary for the tactical plan. He looked at each of them and then back at Sam for a moment. He still hadn't moved. He motioned for them to all huddle close so he could whisper.

He started "We need to wait, listen and then present a challenge. Blaze says we cannot leave him alone for even a second until he accepts the challenge or we could lose him forever." Ed relayed how they should proceed to help Sam. Having an idea how to help, determination registered on their faces by the time he was done.

He finished "Remember, when he starts talking if it is too much for you to bear and you cannot listen without displaying emotion you must leave the room. We do not want to put him or ourselves in danger." He had reiterated this point several times as he told them the plan. They all readily agreed to the condition, understanding the gravity of consequences if not the actual details surrounding the reason why. No one wanted to be the cause of Sam trying to harm himself.

They turned as one to look back at Sam. He had not moved. His eyes still open. Wet tear streaks were slowly drying on his face. They silently lowered themselves into the chairs wondering how one person could have so much crap thrown at him in such a short time. Spike rubbed his hands over his eyes to quickly brush away tears that threatened. The wait began.

Hospital – Sam's Room – 9 pm

Sam was still locked in place. The others had alternated between sitting and pacing. Ed thought over everything Blaze had said trying to draw a plan for himself personally to be able to school his emotions. The only one he was now worried about showing was anger. Could he keep that under control?

The General just sat thinking. His current state reminded him so much of how Samuel reacted after Sara's death. This scared the shit out of him. How unfair life had been for Samuel. It seemed like every time he was happy shit happened. When would this stop. Hatred flared in him when he thought of the man responsible for Samuel's current condition. As Merrill's image rolled through his brain the urge to pop off that man's head for doing this to his son consumed him.

Scott was just staring at Sam when he noticed a push button dangling just off the bed near Sam's hand. His eyes followed the cord that ended attached to a machine on Sam's IV pole. He knew what it was. An injured mate of his had one before. He rose and looked at the monitor. It told him how often it was allowed and when the last time it was dosed. It was way past time. He grasped the button and pressed it. Sam was in enough pain he didn't need more. This was some small thing he could do for his cousin. He noted the time on his watch and set his timer for the next dose.

The entire group noticed what he did. Jules rose and gave him a hug and mouthed 'thank you'. So engrossed they had all been in their thoughts no one had realized he hadn't received any pain meds. There was a knock on the door. Greg rose to see who it was. At the door without unlocking it he said "Who is it?"

"Dr. Markson. What the hell is going on? Unlock this door now."

"I'm sorry we cannot do that right now. Sam is fine with us right now. We will make sure he is okay." Greg knew the doctor would have no clue what he meant but it wasn't for him to understand. "If we require anything we will let you know" Greg concluded with an air of authority and went to sit back down.

The doctor did not know what to think. This was all so strange. After Mr. Young had forced him out of the room he had been called to an emergency. He had just returned and the nurse said no one had come out and the door remained locked.

His patient had asked for privacy but his team insisted on ignoring it. His TL yelled at him and he did not kick him out. In fact Sam was not making any ruckus trying to get them to leave. His Sergeant just said he was fine with them now.

Maybe Sam decided he really didn't want to be alone that he needed the comfort of his team to accept the fact he could not return to the same job or to say goodbye to his team. He blew out a frustrated breathe and said "Okay, I'll inform the nursing staff not to come in unless called." He turned and headed to the nursing station still baffled by this.

And they waited.

Hospital – Day 2 Recovery – Sam's Room – 1 am

Over the last eight hours no one had spoken more than a few whispered words. They watched Sam looking for any indication he was coming out of it. He had not moved at all, arms still locked around his knees. Sam's eyes never closed, they blinked occasionally but did not focus on anything. Scott made sure that Sam got a dose of pain meds on the allowed intervals.

Spike had spent a great deal of time thinking on the one sided conversation. Ed was holding something significant back. He looked extremely troubled by what he had heard. He was about to ask him about it when fresh tears started falling from Sam's eyes. It hurt watching his brother in such pain.

Softly he said "Buddy we are here. When you want to talk, we will listen."

No one expected an answer so they were surprised when Sam haltingly said "Every … thing … I … love … gets taken … away … from me. I can't … live … like this … it … always … hurts. May ... be it's … punish..ment … for … every … one … I've killed."

Spike had opened his mouth to respond when Lou clamped his hand over Spike's mouth. Bent to his ear and barely whispered "Just listen." Spike nodded and Lou removed his hand. Sam's first few words gave them an indication of how hard it was to just listen and not to respond. But they held their tongues and just listened.

Sam continued to spill his guts out hesitantly one or two words between breaths. He talked of many things including the guilt he felt about killing so many people; describing many of the most horrific kills. How Murphy and his buddies had beaten the crap out of him every opportunity they got. How scared he was the entire time he was in Kandahar. How no one but his unit had given a damn if he lived or died. How he felt he failed the unit when someone died because he couldn't cover them. How he wished Matt had not stopped him because he wouldn't have been alive to kill Matt.

He did not move a muscle as he talked. His body locked into place as misery poured out of him.

Listening to the content of what Sam was saying was agonizing but also the manner of his speaking. He could only get a few words out at a time before having to gasp for air. That tore at their guts. Ed glanced at the clock and noted that Sam had been talking non-stop for the past two hours. His pace of speech was heartbreakingly slow. If he had been able to speak normally it would have been a thirty minute monologue. He began to worry if Sam could win the challenge he was going to propose. God he hoped so.

Everyone was holding it together fairly well on the outside. Following Blaze's rule of showing no emotion and just listening. That is until Sam started telling how he was tortured describing in brutal detail every depraved, debauched, cruel and merciless thing they had done to debase and dehumanize him.

Hospital – Outside Sam's Room – 3 am

Spike was the first to leave the room. His eyes wide, shocked and body shaking. He had never heard of such inhuman things. He was followed closely by Jules. She stood still in the center of the hall a blank look on her face not really able to comprehend someone could be put through something like that. Before long Lou and the General joined them in the hall looking shell-shocked as they leaned against the wall for support.

When Wordy exited the room he collapsed on the floor unable to contain the quiet sobs. Jules pulled from her stupor at the sound wrapped her arms around him and comforted him for the first time. It had always been the other way around. She did not want to know what had driven Wordy to this point. So she just held on.

Greg quickly left the room. His face ashen he headed directly for a trash can and vomited. He had stayed as long as he could; trying to be strong for his rookie. But when Sam started to tell how they tortured him with needles he could take no more. The General placed a hand on Greg's shoulder in support. Spike handed him a cup of water. He rinsed his mouth and then turned to look at everyone in the hall.

No one said a word. No one thought any less of any of them for leaving the room. They moved and all sat on the floor with their backs against the wall opposite Sam's room. They stared at the door deep in their own thoughts.

Patch had just gotten off a long and grueling fifteen hour shift. He hadn't had time to even eat today. They went from one crazy call to another. He was exhausted. He had finally checked his text messages after he dropped his last patient off in the ER and saw one from Blaze saying 'give beauty to Spike'.

He thought it a bit odd but was happy that Blaze had thought it was time for him to pass the torch to someone else. With his love of technology Spike would be the perfect the caretaker of beauty. Beauty might need some repairing soon, it was so battered.

Patch rounded the corner at the eigth floor nurses station intending to check on Blondie before he headed home. He was looking at the floor as he thought; so glad they agreed to follow my recommendations. Blondie would heal much faster. A smile plastered to his face as he recalled the nurse's idea for a pain pump. Why the hell had he never thought of that before? She had been surprised when he hugged her.

He looked up and saw the group sitting on the floor in obvious distress. He knew those looks, people about to vomit and in shock. Same looks he, Blaze, Winds and Mason had had so many years ago. Aw shit, they told him about his lungs. He put two and two together, they had talked to Blaze. As he slid down the wall next to Spike he thought accept the challenge buddy.

He reached into his pocket and withdrew beauty. He placed it in Spike's lap without saying a word. Spike looked at him. Patch turned to look at Spike. "Beauty is in your care now, so is Sam. I hope he never needs it again."

Spike was surprised to hear him call him Sam and not Blondie. Patch understood the questioning look. "It's time. That part of his life is too painful and needs to be buried for good. He needs to move forward. Please call me Jim."

The group heard the exchange. They all most definitely agreed he needed to move forward and by god they would do everything in their power to help him get back to the team.

Hospital – Sam's Room – 5 am

Scott had not wanted to hear the details but he could not abandon Sam. There was nothing he could do as a seventeen year old to help him when Sam suffered Sara's loss. He was old enough to know how much it had changed him. But there was something he could do now. He could be here. He could bear his pain. He would accept him for a man that endured such harm and came out amazing not damaged. His stomach churned at the details but he kept his face completely blank.

Ed's anger was roiling and he struggled so hard to keep his face impassive. He could do this. He would do this for Sam. If Sam could withstand the actual torture he could stand listening to him tell about it. From what he surmised Matt must have realized that letting Sam say it out loud helped purge it from his mind.

It was therapeutic to talk about bad things. Isn't that what Dr. Luria told him during the annual mandated psych evaluations? How the hell had Sam passed a psych eval? How was he not totally screwed up on a daily basis? That kid had strength of character.

Then he thought back to Sam's first months on the team. He could see it in hindsight. Sam had been hurting. He was trying desperately to hang on, to find normal, to rebuild, and to find purpose. It was clear as day now. He wished he had seen it then and not heaped more pain onto the load Sam was carrying.

Ed noticed Scott press the button again. Thank god he had recognized what that button was for. He noticed a slight change in Sam's tone and tuned in more closely to what he was saying.

Sam was now talking about how he was finally feeling like he was making a difference. How he liked helping people up close and not being just a long range killer. How he had felt proud of himself being able to save those two in the bank when he was able to connect. How it felt so nice to be part of a team that did so much good. How happy he was he belonged somewhere he could begin to live.

It pleased Ed immensely to hear Sam start on a positive path. That the team was important to him and he had purpose. This has to be a good sign. Ed looked at Sam closely wanting to see any little sign of him coming out of the catatonic state he was in.

Sam's eyes had been unfocussed the entire time but they shifted and drilled directly into Ed's eyes clear and focused when he said "But … that is … all … gone now. Everything … I … love … gets taken … away … from me. One … damned … bullet … from a … mad man. … I can't … do the … job with … lungs like … this. Why … is it … always … so hard? … Why can't I … just … die … already?"

There was the question! Didn't matter what it was. Sam was done talking. Next step, challenge him.

Ed look directly back at him and stated clearly and firmly "Because you are going to be okay. Because we won't let you give up. Because you will rejoin the team and continue to make a difference. Because you are going to prove the doctor wrong."

Please let me see it in his eyes. Blaze said I would see him accept it in his eyes. He just has to ask me how. Gauntlet thrown, waiting silently for it to be picked up. Ed maintained eye contact, Sam not wavering either.

Scott waited with baited breath watching the powerful stare-down. Wordlessly Scott urged Sam to ask a single question. Just one damned question. Come on you can do it. You are so strong. Grab on to it. Please ask how.

Sam stared directly at Ed. He challenged him. How the hell could he challenge him over this? Was he just sadistic? The doctor said he wouldn't have the stamina to do his job. Why the hell would Ed challenge him on this? It was impossible. The doctor said there was significant damage. Why was Ed being so cruel? Just more shit on par with everything else in his life, constantly hurt.

He just stared. He couldn't break away. Ed didn't break away. What the hell was Ed doing?

The doctor's words rushed back in tumbled over one another. Sam's mind had to sift them, put them in the proper order and hear them in the correct context. Aw shit, his brain had twisted things again. The doctor said 'do not know', 'I will help', 'tough to change'. He said tough not impossible. He said 'only time will tell'.

Three things happened in quick succession.

A spark ignited in Sam's eyes.

His arms unlocked, released his knees, his body unfurled.

Sam said "How?"