Chapter 39
The next week was just as crazy as the previous one. Rory had lunch with her father on Wednesday, where she was gifted a new cellphone, then spent the rest of the week getting the paper finished so she could get home in time for Lane's bachelorette party on Friday night.
"So you're going to meet me there tomorrow, right?" Rory asked Jess when they spoke on Thursday night.
"Actually, something came up here so I don't think I'll make it by tomorrow night," Jess admitted. "I'm going to be there first thing Saturday morning, though. I promise."
"Okay. I'll probably be too wasted to know you're there anyways."
"Good to know," Jess laughed.
"Hold on a second," Rory looked up to see Bill hovering over her desk. "What do you want?"
"I have a question about this weekend's issue."
"And it can't wait?"
"For you to finish planning when you can next have sex with your boyfriend? No."
"What?" Jess laughed.
"Fine," Rory sighed. "Ask your question."
"How can you leave her in charge?!" Bill demanded, pointing at Paris.
"Bill, we've gone over this," she huffed. "Paris has experience getting the paper out and I'm going to be completely unreachable this weekend. She's the most experienced one here. Now, can I get back to my phone call?"
"The bunker!" Bill cried. "Do you not remember the bunker?"
"Do you remember the part where I was busy?"
"You can't put Paris in charge!"
On hearing her name, Paris hurried over to join the argument.
"She can and she should," she argued.
"I'm gonna have to call you back," Rory sighed, speaking into her phone.
"Alright, just don't let Paris kill the poor schmuck. That would definitely get in the way of your bachelorette plans."
"Noted," Rory laughed. "Bye."
She ended the call and turned back to the reporters arguing in front of her desk.
"When the editor in chief isn't here, the managing editor is in charge," Bill argued. "That's standard operating procedure at every newspaper in the country."
"Yes, but I've done this thousands of times, and you've never done it," Paris argued. "I have the needed experience."
"Experience that led to mutiny! It's not like they ever gave Captain Bligh another ship after the Bounty."
"Of course they did!" Paris scoffed. "Multiple ships. And by the time he died they promoted him to Rear Admiral. Do you think the British Royal Navy ruled the world in the 19th Century by letting that much natural talent and leadership capability go to waste just because a few whiny complainers wanted more food and less scurvy?!"
"The bunker!" Bill cried again, turning back to Rory.
"I hardly see how my choice of workspace is relevant," Paris crossed her arms.
"There was insurrection, a revolt, an uprising!" Bill cried. "She was deposed!"
"See how wordy he is?" Paris asked. "He overwrites. Plus, he's always been weak with the gerunds."
"Could you two maybe take this somewhere else?" Rory asked, not looking up from her computer. "I'm trying to work here."
"Fine, let's go to my desk," Bill offered.
"And give you the home court advantage? Yeah, right." Paris crossed her arms and rooted herself to the spot, making Rory groan frustratedly.
"Okay, you know what?" Rory got to her feet. "Paris is going to get the paper out tomorrow night, and all it's going to require is making sure that it gets sent to the printer on time because I'm going to have everything else done before I leave. Okay? Good."
She grabbed her bag and coat before either of them could say anything else and headed for the door.
"I'll see everyone tomorrow!" She called.
"Wait!" Bill started to chase after her, but Rory closed the door before he could get there and pulled her phone out again.
"Hey," Jess answered on the second ring. "Do you need me to come post bail?"
"No," she laughed. "Not yet, at least. I made a run for it."
"Smart. So I'll meet you at your place on Saturday morning?"
"Sounds good. You should probably bring some good hangover remedies."
"I was planning on it," Jess assured her.
They chatted idly for the rest of her drive home, Rory telling him all about the plans they had for the bachelorette party.
"Did I ever tell you about the time Luke asked if I was a gigolo?" Jess asked when she told him what movie they were going to see.
"No! How could you hold out on me like that!?"
"It was when I told him I worked at Wal-Mart," Jess laughed. "I didn't want to admit it, so I told him that I went to a place that paid me for my services and that was the conclusion he jumped to."
"Wow," Rory laughed. "He spends way too much time with my mom."
"I completely agree, although I don't think that's going to be changing anytime soon."
Rory heard muffled yelling in the background and heard Jess put the phone to his shoulder and yell something back.
"Hey, Ror, I gotta go. We're having a problem with the printer."
"Go, be a hero. I'll see you Saturday."
When she got to the paper the next afternoon, Bill and Paris were still arguing over who should be in charge.
"Okay, everyone!" Rory called the room to attention. "I need to be out of her by 3, so if you have any problems tell me before that or it becomes Paris's problem and I need everyone's articles!"
There was a communal murmuring of agreement, followed by an onslaught of people approaching her desk in lieu of dealing with Paris. Between solving everyone's problems and getting the layout finished, Rory's afternoon was jammed and she was running late.
"Sheila!" She called from her desk. "I thought I told you to cut the second paragraph!"
"Sorry, I forgot!"
"Good work, Sheila. A.K. Time?"
"3:15!" He called back.
"Okay, just a reminder that I'm leaving at 3 which was fifteen minutes ago!" Rory called. "So if you have any issues, leave them till Monday or take them up with Paris!"
"Here's my Pro-Tenure piece," Paris hurried over to her desk.
"Great," Rory took the paper.
"And here's my Anti-Tenure piece."
"Paris," Rory sighed.
"Just hear me out!"
"No- Phones are ringing people!" Rory called, getting annoyed by the annoying sound. "Let's answer them. Who knows, maybe it's someone calling with a story. Wouldn't that be neat?!"
She got up and started to walk across the room, Paris hot on her heels.
"When I first started writing, I believed passionately that tenure was a reward for excellent service and a way for schools to attract the best faculty members from across the country," she explained.
"Sounds good," Rory agreed.
"But then I started to think about the other side of the argument," she shook her head. "I mean, money and employment for the rest of your life? No matter what? Where is the incentive to keep the standards high? Remember Professor Leavers? He got tenured and lost all interest, just sat there dowie eyed and sleepy. It was like being taught by Jimmy Kimmel."
"Fine, Anti-Tenure," Rory agreed. "Stamp it and ship it."
"I was thinking you could print both," Paris said, making Rory stop walking and finally look at her.
"What?"
"Side-by-side, like a point/counterpoint."
"You want me to print a point/counterpoint where both points are written by the same person?" Rory demanded.
"Bold, huh?" Paris beamed.
"You have five minutes to pick a side," Rory shook her head. "A.K time?"
"3:17!"
She hurried back to her desk and finished up with the layout, double checking everything before saving it and closing out her computer.
"Layout is done!" She announced. "A.K?"
"3:20."
"I'm audi!" She grabbed her bag and coat. "Jill, approve Paris's article when it's done."
"I can't pick a side," Paris cried as Rory passed her desk. "Either way I look at it, I'm right."
"Flip a coin, then," Rory shrugged. "If I come back on Monday morning and find out you printed both, I will kill you. I don't care what kind of kinky martial arts you do."
"But-"
"I'll see you Monday, Paris!"
Leaving the newsroom behind, trying to ignore the feelings of panic she was experiencing at leaving Paris in charge, Rory headed back to her apartment to grab her stuff before heading home to Stars Hollow.
She only stopped at her house for a minute to drop her stuff off before going to meet Lane and the others.
"Lane, I'm here!" She called, letting herself into the store. "And I-"
"Move!" Mrs Kim interrupted, running past her with a large box, followed closely by her daughter.
"Lane, hi, I-"
"Coming through!" Lane cried.
"Am I early?" Rory asked, very confused by the scene she had stumbled into.
"Sorry," Lane reentered the store. "Hi, glad you're here."
"What's going on?" Rory asked, looking around the room and noticing how empty it was. "And where's all your stuff?"
"My grandma's coming," Lane explained as she started filling another box.
"Well, geez, how big is she?"
"She hasn't been out of Korea in 45 years because she refuses to travel," Lane continued. "So we figured there's no way she'd come, but she called today, and she's coming."
"So that's nice, right?" Rory asked, following her friend around the room.
"Help me!" Mrs Kim called, interrupting their conversation.
"Coming!" Lane hurried around the corner, pulling Rory with her.
"Whoa, big Buddha!" Rory observed, looking at the statue Mrs Kim was trying to move.
"Save the commentary. Grab the feet," the woman ordered. "Be careful. Don't let it drop."
"What happens if it drops?" Rory asked as they shuffled the idol to the other room, thinking she would be told about some ancient curse or string of bad luck.
"It breaks," Mrs Kim said, rather anticlimactically.
"Oh," Rory frowned. "You ask a stupid question..."
"Down here. I'll have the boys next door bring the next one in." Mrs Kim turned back to her daughter. "Did you get the crucifixes out of the kitchen?"
"No."
"Go, both of you!" She ordered, an air of panic in her voice. "Go! Go!"
"Going," Rory turned and ran for the kitchen.
"And don't forget the Christ's feet tea towel!" Mrs Kim called after them.
"Okay, seriously, you've got to fill me in or I've gotta call my life line," Rory told Lane. "What's with the Buddha."
"Apparently my grandmother's a Buddhist," Lane explained as they gathered all the Seventh Day Adventist paraphernalia.
"Go hide these in your room," Mrs Kim ordered, adding a number of Bibles and knick knacks to their piles.
"Closet?" Lane asked.
"Floor boards!"
"I don't understand. So your Grandma's Buddhist. Why are we... Oh, my God," the realization suddenly dawned on Rory as she pulled up the floorboards. "She doesn't know."
"Nope," Lane laughed.
"Your mother's mother doesn't know that she's a Seventh Day Adventist!"
"And it would be a very big deal if she found out," Lane added.
"That is so weird!"
"Tell me about it," Lane agreed. "I just discovered that I am simply the latest link in a chain of Kim women who hide their real lives under floorboards away from their mothers."
"Lane, she's here!" Mrs Kim called up the stairs, following the doorbell.
They quickly finished stuffing the crosses and Bibles under the floor and hurried down the stairs.
"I want all boys!" Lane cried in exasperation.
"Praise Buddha," Rory offered.
When they got to the top of the stairs, they slowed and tried to catch their breath before greeting the older woman that stood in the doorway.
"That's your mom's mom?" Rory asked.
"Yep," Lane nodded.
The older woman looked up at them and spoke in angry Korean, giving what Rory assumed was an order to come and greet her.
"I see the resemblance," she muttered to Lane, who bit her lip to avoid laughing.
When they got to the bottom of the stairs, Lane's grandmother hugged her happily, then turned to her daughter and spoke in an annoyed tone. When the conversation had finished, they hurried to the Buddha that had just been carried in and started to bow.
"What was that all about?" Rory asked.
"Three complaints, two insults and a hefty dose of religious guilt," Lane explained.
"What are they doing now?"
"Their ritual of 108 bows."
"Should be called 108 'ows'," Rory snickered. "Oh, my mother would have liked that one."
They stood in the doorway for a minute, watching the ritual until Lane looked at her watch.
"Oh, shoot, we have to go." She approached the bowing women cautiously. "Uh, mama? Mama, we have to go."
"80 to go," Mrs Kim replied.
"Okay, see you later." Lane turned and motioned for Rory to make a run for it before they could finish, not wanting to hear the lecture that they would be sure to get.
"So, what does this mean for the wedding?" Rory asked as they walked towards Doose's.
"I'm having two weddings," Lane told her. "First, we're going to have the traditional Buddhist wedding, then we're going to make a run for the church."
"And Zack's cool with that?"
"He's actually really psyched," Lane wrinkled her nose. "I showed him the traditional gown he has to wear and now he can't stop talking about it."
"That's not worrying at all," Rory snorted.
"Yeah, well," Lane laughed. "When the ceremonies are over, there's going to be a ton of food for all my mom's guests and then our party."
"And Kirk is going to set everything up?" Rory asked sceptically.
"Yes, and if he doesn't I am going to personally kick his ass from here to Woodbridge."
"I'll help," Rory promised. "So, is there anything else that I need to be caught up on?"
"I don't think so," Lane laughed. "Have you seen the dress yet?"
"No, but my mom told me all about it. It sounds great."
"It is!" Lane gushed. "And she hasn't said anything about it!"
As they approached the market, Sookie and Lorelai started to sing 'Here Comes the Bride' loudly and completely out of tune while their other friends clapped along.
"Welcome ladies!" Lorelai beamed. "Before we begin, I have some party favours to hand out."
She held up a bunch of pink party bags and started passing them around, then pulled out a veil for Lane.
"Here you go, Bride!" She placed it on the girl's head with a flourish, then stepped back to admire her handiwork.
"Well? How do I look?" Lane asked, striking a pose.
"You look like a stereotypical bride at her bachelorette party," Rory laughed.
"Just what I was going for!" Lorelai beamed. "Now, before we can really get this party started, we'll need supplies. I have here, in my hand, the list that I will now pass over to our ever trustworthy co-leader and Maid of Honor, Miss Rory Gilmore!"
"Thank you," Rory smiled and scanned the list. "Alright, Lauren and Tally, you're in charge of beer- and lots of it. Lane and I will cover chocolate and pretzels and Mom and Sookie will take alternative forms of alcohol. Meet back here in five minutes, go!"
The group hurried into the store and started running up and down the aisles with their baskets, screaming and giggling while Taylor chased them around threatening to remove them from the premises. When they tumbled outside with their bags exactly five minutes later, Lorelai called them all back to attention, read off the list and then announced their first activity.
"Our dear friend Lane is about to get married," she explained. "And it is our job to give her one night and one headache that she will never forget!"
"Hear, hear!" Lane agreed.
"Our first stop, is the Black, White and Read Bookstore, where we will sneak in our various treats and enjoy tonight's feature, American Gigolo."
"Featuring a little full frontal from Mr. Gere himself," Sookie added.
"All right, let's go to the movies!"
As the group started to depart, Kyon came dashing up the street.
"Wait for me!" She called after them, causing Rory and Lane to hang back a few steps.
"Sorry I'm late," she huffed. "I had to wait for the two Mrs. Kims to fall asleep before I can climb down the tree to meet you. Luckily all that bowing makes them sleep like dogs."
"It's okay, Kyon," Rory assured her. "We were just leaving."
Kyon nodded and started to strip her sweater and skirt to reaveal an Avril Lavigne t-shirt and jeans.
"I had to get out of that house. Stinks of Kimchi and incense. You can't breath, and there's Buddhas everywhere staring at you. What?" She asked, noticing Lane and Rory staring at her.
"When did you start double dressing?" Lane demanded. "And Avril Lavigne?!"
"Avril Lavigne rocks!" Kyon argued. "You're such a snob. If it's not Joy Division, you no like it. Well, you can't dance to Joy Division."
"She's crazy!" Lane half laughed as the girl went to join the group. "My whole family's crazy!"
"Well, welcome to the club," Rory said, looking at her phone. "We'll get sweatshirts."
"Secret admirer?" Lorelai asked, joining them and looking over Rory's shoulder.
"It's Dad," her daughter huffed. "He gave me this thing as a gift, you know. However, he also got himself one, and since then he has been texting me every five minutes. It's insane! You should have told him 'no' when he ran this past you."
"I think it's nice," Lorelai shrugged. "You have a real daddy/daughter thing going on."
"Oh, yeah," Rory rolled her eyes. "He's shopping for celery at the supermarket. They're running a special."
"He's just excited," Lorelai laughed.
"Yeah, well, now he's in the canned peas aisle. Apparently he doesn't like peas, but he does like pea soup. Interesting, no? No!"
"All right, give me that." Lorelai took pity on her daughter and snatched the device from her hands. "Your daughter is about to see Richard Gere's penis, enjoy your celery. That should shut him up for a while."
She sent the message and handed the phone back, then saw that Lauren was already throwing up.
"That's gotta be some kind of record," she cringed. "Think I should go mother her?"
"She'll be fine," Rory shrugged. "Come on."
They hurried across the square to the bookstore, excited to get comfy and enjoy the movie, but were disappointed to find out that the time had been printed wrong in the paper and the movie had already started.
"We could just go in," Rory offered.
"Too risky!" Lorelai shook her head. "No way to know if we missed the money shot."
"And American Gigolo, without the gigo-down-low is pointless," Sookie agreed.
"So what do we do?" Lane asked, deferring to the party planners.
"Well, we can kill some time till the next showing," Lorelai shrugged. "It's only 45 minutes."
"So where should we go?"
"We could get some coffee," Lorelai shrugged.
"Partay," Kyon scoffed.
"Well, maybe we could play a game," Sookie offered. "I do that with the kids and time flies."
"I don't think Peek-a-boo's gonna fly, Sook."
"Well, we could make it more adult."
"Hey!" As they argued about how to spend their time, Zach and the guys came around the corner.
"Hey!" The girls smiled back.
"Didn't expect to see you guys here," Zach observed.
"Well we were going to go see American Gigolo, but we missed it," Lane explained.
"I swear I checked the time!" Sookie defended herself.
"No one's doubting you," Rory promised.
"What are you guys doing?" Lane turned back to her fiancee.
"We just came from Dell's bar," Gil chimed in. "It closed early 'cause it's Dell's wedding anniversary today."
"Dell's is closed?" Lorelai frowned. "Shoot! That's where we were going next."
"We could go to the Chimney Sweep," Rory offered.
"No, it burned down last week," Sookie shook her head.
"That's ironic."
"We could go drive over to Beacon Falls," Gil suggested. "Anything open there?"
"No," Lorelai frowned.
"We could go to my aunt's house," Brian offered. "She's got a rec room with a record player."
"No way, that's completely lame," Zach vetoed. "Which one's American Gigolo? Is that the one where you see Richard Gere's johnson? Cause that seems a little weird for a bachelor party."
"No!" Lane shook her head. "We are not doing this!"
"Doing what?" Zach asked, confused by her outburst.
"We are supposed to be getting wild at separate parties!" She explained. "We cannot be bumping into each other all night long."
"Lady's right," Zach conceded. "Come on, men. Let's go find something wild to do!"
He waved at the group, who cheered in agreement and lead them away, leaving the girls to come up with a new plan.
Unfortunately, they came up short, and after much bickering and aimless wandering, they found themselves huddled on Brian's aunt's porch.
"Five more seconds," Lorelai delayed, desperately trying to come up with another idea. "Anything?"
There was a communal shrug, and they turned and rang the doorbell.
"You must be Lane," an older woman Lane recognized from a couple of their gigs smiled at them. "The boys are downstairs, come on in."
So taking their treats and alcohol they trooped into the basement to make their bachelorette party a good old fashioned Stag and Doe.