AN: Gosh, I don't write real cliffhangers often, lucky for you all! Sorry to keep you waiting but this part took several pretty major rewrites and I wanted to get it right since such a big change is happening! Thank you all again for your reviews- I didn't realize there was such a strong love for Ash but I assure you he would appreciate it. So without further ado- chapter 38!

Note: There is a long and (relatively) important AN at the end that I would like to hear your opinions on so please read it!

Part 38- Sanctuary

I walk through the forest, humming quietly to myself as I watch the trees above me sway in the breeze. This forest is deeper than the ones father and I usually gather in. It's just about as far up on the mountains as we can go before we hit the fence that surrounds the district.

"Camellia, come here." My father calls from a distance in front of me.

I skip forward and smile up at him once I reach his side. He smiles back for a brief moment but then turns serious.

"Camellia, do you see this fence?" He asks pointing at the electrified wires in front of me. I nod, smiling a little to myself because dad is being silly. How could I not see such a tall fence separating us from the rest of the forest?

"Close your eyes and listen for a minute, sweetie." He says and I do, "Tell me what you hear."

I frown, unsure of how I should describe the sounds.

"I hear the wind in the trees."

"And?"

"And- and buzzing. But different from the bees." I say, doing my best to describe the foreign noise. I've never heard a sound like it in the forest before.

"That's very good, Camellia." He praises and I open my eyes to see him smiling proudly, "You're so very smart, sweetheart."

"That buzzing noise is coming from this fence because there is electricity running through it. You don't ever want to touch it while it's buzzing like that." He explains.

I nod dutifully, looking up at him in awe. He always amazed me with his wisdom about almost anything.

"Why don't I want to touch it?" I question out of curiosity.

Father nods slowly, thinking to himself with his lips pursed tightly like he always does. He grabs an acorn from the ground and throws it so it hits one of the wires. There's a loud popping noise that makes me jump and father picks up the blackened acorn from the ground.

"That's why." He says, holding the small object out in front of me, "It's like in the winter when you get shocked on the doorknobs only it hurts much, much worse. It can kill you."

I frown again, creases forming in my brow because dad doesn't usually speak so seriously with me. Normally all his lessons are in silly stories or happy songs. Something is different about today.

"But there's a trick to getting over it even while the power is on. Do you want to know it?" He asks with a twinkle in his eyes. He knows my answer before I say it.

"Yes!"

"Of course you do, that's my girl." He says, thumping me on the shoulder, "You're so brave, my little flower. Come closer here and I'll show you."

I let him lead me closer to the fence even though I really would rather stay away from it now that I know it could kill me.

"All you have to do, Camellia, is jump up onto it. You have to jump though. If you don't jump and you just start climbing, you'll get shocked because the power will run through you into the ground. If you jump though, you won't feel the power run through you from wire to wire." He notices the furrows that have formed between my eyebrows and chuckles.

"You said never to touch it." I state firmly, thinking he's testing me on our earlier lesson."

He nods in that slow, thoughtful way again, "I did say that but you won't touch it until your feet are off the ground after you jump onto it."

I must still look thoroughly unconvinced because he chuckles and messes my hair under his hand.

"Here, I'll show you." He says and steps up.

He takes a leap at the fence and I let out a shriek. But before the echoes of my scream have a chance to die down, he's grabbed onto one wire and lowered his feet to another. I wait for him to cry in pain and be thrown back from the fence, unconscious, or worse- dead, but instead he turns to me and smiles again.

"That's all you have to do, Camellia." He says excitedly, "Now you come here and try."

My eyes bulge in fear and I shake my head but he keeps telling me to "just try it." I give in without too much work. I always want to make him proud of me.

I step as close to the fence as I dare and then leap up. I grab a wire and my feet find purchase on the wire just a foot above the ground. A tiny squeal peals out from my throat as I wait for certain death, but when I open my eyes, dad is smiling down at me, and I'm still very much alive.

"Good! Very good, sweetheart!" He exclaims. "Now, if you ever want walnuts from the other side of this fence, you can just climb over and get some."

"Why wouldn't I just get them from the trees in the district?" I ask, hanging next to him.

He gives a small smile, "You never know when you might need to look outside the fence, sweetheart. Just make sure you don't tell your mother about this okay?"

I nod, knowing my mother would be furious at us playing with something so dangerous, "How do we get down?" I ask.

"You just jump back off." He replies with a chuckle as he pushes off from the wires and rolls onto the ground below. I smile and do the same. He rolls over to me and tickles my sides playfully and I squeal, trying to push away from his reach.

"I love you, Camellia." He says before we walk back home in the setting sun.

"I love you too, Daddy."

The memory hits me head on, practically knocking the air out of my lungs. I had been about nine the day that my father took me up into the mountains to see the fence. I haven't thought about that day in years since we had only gone that far out once and I had never visited the fence again. At the time, I had thought that he taught me all this just for the walnuts, but now, with two dead bodies laying in front of me, I'm beginning to doubt that.

Mother always told father that he worried about the future too much. That it did as much good as rocking in a rocking chair. His worry about the fragility of the future was why he had saved money all those years while I had signed up for tesserae. He had been so afraid that something might happen to them, leaving us orphaned- and he had been right.

That day he took me to the fence, he must have been worried that something terrible might happen, leaving me with no other option but to flee from the district. He was right again. I didn't know how he came to have the knowledge of how to safely climb the fence, and now I never will because that secret died with him. But tonight, as I watch the way the moonlight glints off grass dyed crimson by the peacekeepers' blood, I cannot be thankful enough for the memory.

We have to run.

I spent the last week worried about Ash and the Reaping. I decided not to try and run because I couldn't leave Rowan and I didn't know how to escape the district.

Everything changed when I threw that axe though. Now, if I don't want to hang for the murder of two peacekeepers, we have no choice but to run. I know how to get out.

My mind starts clicking away as I slowly stand and step over the bodies of the peacekeepers, making my way back into the house. I know what I need to do.

I numbly make my way upstairs, pulling out the three bags that I had packed earlier this week. I know I should feel something, fear or anger or disgust, but I don't feel anything. I only know what we need to do and that we need to do it quickly.

I make my way to Ash and Holly's room, the bags swishing loudly against one another. The noise is enough to wake Ash from his perpetually light sleep and he starts to grumble at me in annoyance, pulling the covers over his head.

"Ash, you need to get up, now." I order, throwing his bag down on the foot of his bed.

"Why?" He mumbles, sitting up and running a hand sleepily over his eyes, "What's this?" He asks nodding toward the bag.

"It's all your clothes." I explain, my words coming out flat and staccato.

He frowns and moves to unzip the bag, letting out a surprised sound when he sees that I've told him the truth.

"Why?" He asks incredulously, looking up at me for the first time. His eyes widen.

"Camellia, what happened?" His voice is rife with panic.

I look down at my clothing and arms and remember with detached interest that I'm covered in blood. It's dried now, crusting my hands and filling in the cracks in my skin. If I didn't know it was someone else's blood, I'm sure it would be a heart stopping sight.

"It's not my blood, Ash." I explain shortly. I think momentarily about going to wash it off but there's really no time for that and good appearances are not necessary where we're going. Every moment needs to be used to get us as far away from this district as possible.

"Holly," I call, moving over to shake her awake, "Come on Holly. We need to get up and go for a walk."

"Not your blood. A walk." Ash repeats, sounding completely awake and horrified, "Are you crazy? What the hell is going on, Camellia?"

"There was an accident. We have to go. We're leaving the district." I state firmly as Holly sits up in bed.

"Are you okay, Camellia?" She asks, voice still heavy with sleep and eyes hardly opened. She was always the more difficult of the two to wake but she is compliant enough as I help her dress as quickly as possible. Unlike Ash, she doesn't question or argue, which I am silently thankful for.

Eventually Ash gets out of bed and throws on an old sweater and pants but he's still freaked out. I can see him watching me from the corner of my eyes as though I've completely gone insane. And maybe I have. I know I shouldn't be this levelheaded. I should be panicked or crying or… something. I shouldn't feel this numb.

"We're seriously leaving the district?" Ash demands, as he pulls on shoes while I jam Holly's feet into hers. "Are you insane? Camellia, what happened?"

"Not now, Ash." I say, the words firm and detached, leaving no room for argument, "I just need you to trust me on this. We're leaving."

I grab Holly's bag and situate it over her shoulders so that she can carry the weight before I pull my own on. Ash does the same a moment later and I grab Holly's hand, heading downstairs with Ash trailing silently behind us.

As we walk through the kitchen, I pause and make a split decision to raid the drawers for the three knives we have. I put them on top of my clothing and re-zip my bag before taking the lead again.

"Holly, I want you to close your eyes." I order as we reach the door, "I'll take your hand and lead you. I'll tell you when to open them." She complies silently, still half asleep. She probably thinks this is all a dream and that's just as well, really.

"Ash, just look at the tree line, okay. Just look straight ahead, nowhere else, until we're in the forests, do you understand?"

He nods, but as we walk through the yard, I know he hasn't listened to me. I hear him suck in a breath and start to gag and cough.

"Damn it, Ash!" I mutter, grabbing him by the shoulder and forcing him to walk forward as he gags again.

"Camellia, what happened?" He demands too loudly for my comfort. I glance around but there's no one else out here. No one will notice the peacekeepers' absence until the morning.

"Just keep moving, Ash!" I order, yanking Holly behind me. "I'll explain later, but for right now we just need to keep moving." As we walk, the moonlight catches the axe, still lodged in the back of the second Peacekeeper. I grab it and in one smooth motion, yank it from the corpse as we walk. I use my shirt to wipe the blade clean as we walk before sliding it into the bag as well.

Ash stares at me for a while after he watches me do this and I get the impression that I've turned into some sort of monster from the look on his face. I don't acknowledge it though, now is not the time. Once we're out of the district, I can talk to him and answer all of his questions.

We make quick time and as we step onto the foothills, we cross a small stream near the lake Holly and I had swam only days before. I haphazardly wash off my hands and arms. Not all of it comes off but it's enough to make me feel a bit better. My clothes are beyond repair but at least my hands won't leave blood on the fence once we get there. Holly is beginning to wake up now and looks around curiously.

"Why are we walking all this way at night? I thought it was dangerous in the woods at night." She asks but doesn't slow her pace beside me.

"We just need to get out. It's going to be an adventure, Holly." I explain, trying to sound excited about it. "We're going to go over the fence and live in the woods. Father taught me how to do it once and now I'm going to teach you both."

"What?" Ash demands, sounding petrified. "That fence is electric, Camellia. Are you crazy?"

It's the second time that he's asked me that since I woke him and I don't answer his question because, honestly, I think I might be going insane. There's a man in town that went mad a few years back. He had some sort of infection that affected his brain and he was never himself again after it. He walks around on most days, staring aimlessly as people walk by. I have a purpose right now but I know I must have the same look about me as he always did- wide eyed and confused- as I hurry along my journey.

"It's safe to climb if you know how to do it. Trust me, Ash." I say firmly. He doesn't reply to this but he continues to follow which I suppose indicates some form of trust. It's as good an answer as I'll get tonight, I think.

The moon has set by the time we reach the fence and I can tell that the black sky is beginning to lighten with dawn. We only have a few more hours, tops, before they discover the bodies of the peacekeepers and start hunting for me. We've made good progress but I want to get over the fence and hidden somewhere before hovercrafts start sweeping the area.

"How are we going to get over this, Camellia?" Ash demands as he stares up at the towering obstacle before us. "This is insane."

"We have to jump onto it. As long as you don't touch the ground while you touch the wire, you won't get shocked." I explain briefly and then jump because I know my brother and I know he'll never believe me until he sees it done, no matter what explanations I give him.

"No!" Ash shouts, much the same way I did when my father showed me. And much like that memory, I'm safely on the fence before the echoes die down.

"Oh." Holly murmurs but I can hear the excitement in her voice. She does find this to be quite and adventure.

"Just jump up here." I encourage.

Holly hesitates for only a moment before she is hanging from a lower wire, her feet about two feet off the ground. She climbs up a few so that she's even with me and then looks down at Ash.

"Come on, Ash!" She calls, "It's okay. It doesn't hurt. It's easier than climbing trees."

He takes a step forward but is still hesitating.

"Ash!" I command, "Do it now! We have to hurry."

Anger flashes across his face but he complies, shouting as he grabs onto the wires. He looks at his hands, in shock that he's still alive, and soon we're climbing over the top of the fence.

Luckily all of us have been raised climbing trees because the fence is at least twenty feet high, which is a long way to fall if you're afraid and you let your mind think about it. It's a long enough fall that it could kill a person and under any other circumstance I would be yelling at my younger siblings for climbing so high but I need to get my family safe. This is the only way. Once we get closer to the ground on the other side, I jump off the fence and my siblings quickly follow my example.

No one says a word as I lead us into unknown territory. Ash is jumpy and constantly turns to look behind him. He is old enough and experienced enough in the woods to know that we are now potential prey for large animals that the fence would normally keep us safe from- bears, wolves, wildcats. The knives and axe could take out most things if wielded properly, but I am not sure they would do much against the massive brown bears we learned about in school.

A few hours after the sunrise, I spot a small overhanging of rock. It's not really a cave but it will give us enough coverage to hide if a hovercraft flew overhead and there's a stream nearby as well.

"We'll stop here for now and sleep." I say, leading us under the mossy, grey rocks.

"How long are we staying on the adventure?" Holly asks, clearly exhausted.

"A while longer." I say, attempting a tight smile before adding, "Go to sleep now, Holly."

She does without argument and within moments of lying down, her breathing evens out as she floats off into slumber. I'm not really sure how I'm going to break it to her that we're never going home.

I move over to the tiny stream that babbles softly, just down the hill from our camp. The water is cool and fresh as I scrub at the grime and blood. I don't know how long I sit there, scrubbing at a patch of skin on my palm where the blood just won't seem to wash away. I'm so intent on my washing that I don't hear Ash walk up behind me, even with the thick layer of leaves on the forest floor.

"What the hell is going on, Camellia?" He asks softly but I still jump as I turn around. He looks so much older than twelve, his face clouded with anger and fear and confusion; so many emotions that I can't even put a name to them all. I know a moment after looking at him that I've failed him. I couldn't protect him from everything. He's lost his childhood too soon.

He frowns when I don't answer him and demands more fiercely, "What were those peacekeepers doing at our house in the middle of the night?"

"They wanted to hurt us Ash." I snap, turning back to wash the blood off my arms. I notice how strange it looks as the blood washes away downstream, almost like smoke does when it rises in the wind.

"What do you mean?" He asks, failing miserably to mask the hysteria and anger in his voice.

"They told me things, okay, Ash?"

I know I'm being short with him but I can't seem to find any compassion or warmth in me right now. My body is sore and my mind is reeling and I can't feel anything. Even as I scrub harder into my skin, there's nothing- no pain, no irritation, nothing.

"What kind of things?" He asks and I shake my head, scrubbing harder.

"Camellia!" He steps into the stream and grabs my hands, "What kind of things?"

"What are you doing?" I shout, tugging my hands away from him. He's too young and small still to keep a hold on me when I don't want him to and my hands are slick with water.

"I want to know what happened, Camellia!" He shouts back just as loudly, his eyes flashing with a hatred I hadn't noticed before.

"I want answers and you're just sitting here scrubbing your hands like, like a crazy-"

"They were going to kill you!" I shout, ending whatever it was he was going to say. He frowns but I don't wait for him to speak, "They were going to fix the Reaping so that your name would be pulled."

"But- but they couldn't…" He stammers, as he stumbles back into the water like I just punched him.

"Oh." I give a bitter, barking laugh, "They could, Ash. And they were going to. The Capitol can do whatever it wants whenever it wants. You can't really understand because you've never been there, but they are terrible people and they will stop at nothing to get entertainment- and that's exactly what your death would be to them."

The fervor in my voice sounds so unlike me. Ash looks terrified, his face as pale as fresh winter snow. I don't blame him because I know my words would be enough to scare me if I wasn't half out of my mind and completely numb. Why can't I feel? What's wrong with me?

"But- wh- why? Why did you kill them? What were you thinking?" He asks flatly with a completely shell shocked gaze.

"What was I thinking? I'll tell you what I was thinking, Ash." I spit venomously, his eyes are wide and glassy with tears, but I can't find it in me to care at the moment. "I was thinking that I wasn't about to let some disgusting, drunk peacekeepers hurt me. Not again. Because, I'm not weak. I'm not going to let anyone hurt me like that again." I mumble the last words bitterly, plunging my trembling hands back into the water to distract me from the hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach.

"They attacked you?" He asks in shock. Of course he knows that peacekeepers aren't the most honorable people in the district but he's never heard of them actively seeking out prey. Normally the worst they do is just hang around the lumberyards and wait for girls to come and sell themselves or administer the occasional whipping.

"It doesn't matter. They're dead now." I state dully. I feel so frozen it's strange. I know I should feel sad, or at least guilty, or maybe even relieved but I don't. I can't feel anything. The next words flow from my mouth of their own accord.

"We can never go back."

His gaze hardens at my words. Of course, he knew this, but hearing the words out loud is like a smack to the face.

We're alone, so completely alone and that thought is the only one that really strikes a deep dread in my heart. I've always had someone to help me, but outside the fence, there is no one else.

"Well, we can't live out here forever." Ash argues.

"Where do you think we should go then, Ash?" I question, exasperation heavy in my tone.

"I don't know!" He shouts defensively, "But what are we going to do- just live the rest of our lives out in the woods? Just the three of us? What about everyone else? Dahlia is still back there! What about Rowan-"

"Shut-up!" I scream, slamming my hands over my ears and screwing my eyes tightly shut, unable to take in any more.

After a long, silent pause the leaves around me shift and Ash's hand slides gently over my back. I don't know how long I stay like that, completely closed off from the world as Ash tries to soothe me, as I have done so many times for him. Eventually, I let my hands fall back into my lap and look up at my younger brother.

His gaze is softer this time, and concerned as he watches me hesitantly. When I don't move or speak, he moves closer to me, fitting his body close to mine like he used to do as a toddler, when we were just children and our parents were still alive. When we were all still whole, and innocent, and safe.

"I'm sorry, Camellia." He whispers and I let my head relax on his shoulder. I don't know whether he's apologizing for his earlier anger or for sending me into a frenzy or that those peacekeepers attacked me. But right now I don't have the energy to ask which it is.

"Let's just get some rest." I sigh, standing and brushing the leaves off the seat of my pants. "We'll have to keep moving if we don't want to be caught."

"You think they'll look for us?" He asks as we make our way back up the hill.

"I think they'll hunt us, Ash." I state flatly, "They'll want to make an example of us."

We both settle down under the rocks next to Holly who is still deep in sleep, murmuring something to herself that I can't make out. Even after Ash's breathing evens out, I stare up at the rocks for a long time, watching some green beetle walk along a ridge between two of the massive stones. I close my eyes and I see blood, seeping into the grass near my feet, covering my limbs, oozing from the gaping wound in the peacekeeper's neck.

…

"Camellia."

Birds call from trees overhead and I can feel the warmth of the sunlight on my skin as it pours through the trees.

"Camellia, sweetheart." His words tickle my ear as he whispers them to me, "Wake up." His lips brush against my jaw.

I open my eyes slowly to his beautiful, smiling face above me and I can't contain my own smile.

"Good morning." He murmurs softly before leaning in to press his lips against mine.

They are warm and pliant as they move against mine. I melt into him, in complete bliss as his attentions set my nerves to tingling and the dappled sunlight warms my skin. It's as though he's in my very pores.

"What are you doing here, Rowan?" I ask when I pull away to catch my breath.

"Kissing you." He chuckles, brushing the tip of his nose against mine.

I roll my eyes and he laughs again, pulling me to sit up with him. He brushes my hair back and lets his fingers tangle in it before cradling the back of my head.

"I came to find you when I heard what happened." He says, answering my question seriously before kissing me lightly on the forehead. Suddenly, the forest seems too quiet and I realize we're completely alone.

"Where are Holly and Ash?" I ask turning around, effectively wrenching myself away from his grasp.

"They're down by the stream washing up." He nods in the direction of the hill but I frown. It's too quiet.

I scramble to my feet and hurry down the hill but my siblings are nowhere in sight. I call out for them but there is no response, the birds have even gone silent.

"Rowan!" I call over my shoulder, "Rowan they aren't here."

The stream is red and bubbling when I reach it. Blood. It starts to widen suddenly, the red, slow-moving fluid reaching out to touch my shoes. I step back but the stream keeps growing, bubbling louder until it turns into a rushing river.

"Rowan!" I scream as I clamor back up the hill but the blood is rising too quickly and I just know it's Holly and Ash's blood. I just know it.

"Camellia!" Rowan shouts, but his voice comes from in front of me rather than behind me where I left him at the top of the hill. My eyes search him out and find him struggling to keep his head above the roaring rush of the bloody river.

I splash into the still rising tide, and it's as if the blood has fingers and it's wrapping me in its slimy grip. I try to swim out to him but he keeps dipping under the surface and reappearing farther away from me no matter how quickly I move. Something wraps around my ankle and I kick but it won't let go. It pulls me deeper and deeper and all I can see is red and I can't breath and-

Everything dissolves into darkness. Eventually, as I catch my breath again, lights start to appear, twinkling around me. A strong wind pulls the hair around my face in wild patterns and I can hear the noisy racket of traffic, something I haven't heard since my time in the Capitol.

"Rowan?" I croak out, hoping that maybe he was somehow transported here too.

"Rowan is preoccupied at the moment." The familiar, chilling voice informs me. I look up and his puffy lips are curled in a cruel smile that instantly sets my heart racing in fear.

"Where am I?" I demand harshly, sitting up and looking around me.

"You're in the Capitol, Camellia." Snow says, licking his bottom lip slowly in a way that makes me cringe.

As I take in my surroundings, I realize I'm on the roof of a building. I know that it's common for there to be small gardens or sitting areas on rooftops but this one is simply concrete and empty.

I stand quickly and nearly stumble into him as dizziness overtakes me. He reaches out a hand to my shoulder to steady me, and I jerk away from his grip with a shudder. He looks pleased with himself and smiles wolfishly as I back away another step.

"What do you want from me? Where is my family?" I demand, voice shaking despite my best efforts to control it.

"I want you, dear." He states simply, "Your siblings are currently locked away in a room far below us. I want your life in exchange for theirs."

"How do I even know you have them?" I demand fiercely, "They're hiding, you'll never-"

He doesn't wait for me to finish as he snaps his fingers and an Avox steps forward to hand him a small black box. I had seen one of these once in one of my Patrons' houses. It's a type of radio but it only transmits over short distances, used to communicate throughout a large building or something of the sort.

Snow flicks a switch, which is followed by static for a moment before I hear Holly crying softly. Ash murmurs to her that they'll be okay- they'll be home soon enough. He reminds her that Camellia will keep them safe.

"Is that proof enough?" He asks sharply, "You know they'll never be safe until you give me what I want."

"Fine." I say without hesitation, "What about Rowan?"

"Rowan has always belonged to the Capitol since the day he was Reaped. He will continue to serve our citizens as he always has but, of course, he is safe." He brushes a thumb impatiently over his lip as he awaits my response.

"Okay." I agree, knowing that there's no better deal I could expect. I'm not sure what Snow wants from me but at least my siblings will be safe. "As long as Rowan gets to see them safely home, I'll do whatever you want."

"Agreed." Snow nods, clasping his hands together in a pleased manner. "I'm glad you could be so agreeable with our requests, dear."

He turns and walks to a door leading off the roof without another word, leaving me alone with the strong wind whipping my hair around my face. It's loud up here from all the traffic in the streets below the city. I wait for Snow to come back with further instructions about what I just agreed to but he doesn't.

The door opens after a long wait and an Avox walks out. It takes me a moment to realize this is my Avox, the one who drove my car during my time in the Capitol. He gives me a sad smile as he holds out a silver tray with a single piece of paper on it. I pick it up with furrowed brow and see it only has one sentence printed on it.

Time to fly, Songbird.

I look up at the Avox and see he's been watching me with a somber look.

"What does this mean?" I question, holding the card up even though I know he can never answer me.

He glances over the ledge of the roof beside us and I suddenly realize exactly what those four words on the card mean. My heart flutters as it starts to pound faster than it ever has before, as though trying to make up for the short time it has left to work.

"Oh." The word comes out as a breath. The Avox bows with that same sad look before turning and leaving out the same door.

I take another step toward the ledge and I swear my knees are going to give out. My body is shaking, fighting me with every movement. I never thought much about it but I think the body naturally has an impulse to save itself. It takes more willpower than I ever thought I had to fight that natural response.

I stand, staring down at the ledge for a long time, thinking about Ash and Holly. What will they do when they find out? How will they handle it? I won't be there to see them grow up and give them advice. Rowan will take care of them though, of that I'm sure.

A chill spreads through my veins as I step up onto the ledge, my knees shaking unsteadily to the same rapid beat of my heart. My stomach leaps into my throat when I look at the busy streets below.

I can't do this. But Snow has Holly and Ash. I must do this for them.

I know there's no way I'll be able to simply jump. It's as though my feet are cemented to the ledge. So I turn around and close my eyes. Maybe if I pretend that I'm just floating on my back in the pond back home, it won't hurt.

Somehow, it's easier to lean back off the ledge, as though my mind really does believe I'm just falling back into water. My toes lift off and just as they do the door to the roof slams open and he's there, but it's too late. A look of terror crosses Rowan's face when he sees me.

"Camellia." He chokes out as he rushes forward, trying to grab me but I'm too far off the ledge now.

I try to smile so that he knows this is all okay but inside I'm screaming as my feet slip away and I begin to plummet toward the ground. Of course Snow would want to torture us both one last time. I couldn't be forced to kill myself alone; he wanted Rowan to watch it too.

This doesn't feel at all like floating in the pond back home.

I jolt awake with a strangled gasp for air just as my body hits the forest floor. I must have actually thrown myself up into the air during the nightmare. I blink a few times and I'm not entirely sure if I believe I'm awake.

The forest looks just as it had in my dream, but it's not quiet with only the sound of birdsongs in the air. A strong wind rushes through the leaves and there's a strange mechanical noise that reminds me of the Capitol traffic of my dream. I look around but Rowan is nowhere to be found. Ash and Holly are still fast asleep.

I realize after a few minutes that the noise and wind is coming from a hovercraft searching the woods nearby. I huddle closer to Holly and Ash under our rock sanctuary, waiting for the hovercraft to move on. The presence of it means they found the peacekeepers' bodies and they know we're missing.

It's only about a half an hour before the hovercraft has moved far enough away that the woods resume their normal sounds. As I lay there, trying to get a bit more rest but finding it to be an impossible task, I wonder what the Capitol will tell Rowan about our disappearance.

Will they say we decided to flee the district and were attacked by wild animals? Will they say we died of a mysterious disease and they had to burn our bodies to prevent the spread of infection? Will they tell him they found us and executed us?

It doesn't matter what they tell him though, I'm sure they'll convince him that we're all dead. They will break his heart. My stomach turns to stone at the thought of how much suffering this will cause him. It doesn't matter anymore though. We can never go back so we might as well be dead. He'll be safer without me around anyway. He won't have anyone that the Capitol will use as leverage against him.

I know my heart should be breaking as I think about it, but it doesn't. I don't know if there is anything left of my heart. I think, if I were to be cut open right now, there might be a hollow place where it should be, or maybe just a blackened shriveled thing. I don't think I'm capable of really feeling anything anymore. I'm ruined- pushed too far, too many times. My heart just decided to give out. That's why I'm so numb.

I wake Ash and Holly once the sun has peaked in the sky and started to descend toward the horizon. It doesn't take long to gather enough roots for a simple dinner. I don't want to risk starting a fire and attracting another hovercraft so we eat the starchy roots raw. Neither of them complain even though I know it doesn't really taste all that good.

Ash is still watching me with a worried look, as though he's afraid I'm going to lose it at any moment. After yesterday, I don't really blame him. I'm sure I don't look any better than I did then since I hardly slept. I wouldn't be surprised if there are dark circles under my eyes. I sure the numbness I feel only adds to the hollow look in my eyes.

"Okay," I say, standing and brushing myself off a bit, "We should start moving again. I don't want to stay in one place too long with the hovercrafts looking for us."

"We aren't going home?" Holly asks in surprise. This adventure might have been fun last night but I can tell she's still tired and would prefer to head back to her warm, soft bed.

I shake my head slowly, "No, Holly, we're not going home."

She frowns, "For how long?"

Ash stares at me, waiting for me to start screaming again like a lunatic. I sigh and kneel down in front of her holding her arms lightly.

"We're never going home, Holly." I say softly. Her eyes instantly well with tears and I know I'm a horrible person because it doesn't tear me apart like it should- like it always has, "We're going to find a new place and make a new home, you'll see."

"But- but I like our old home. I have friends there." She says, trying not to cry but her bottom lip quivers perilously.

"I know, Holly, but we can't go back." I say with as much sympathy as I can muster in my numb state.

I let one of her arms go and grab onto Ash, "We're all going to need to be very brave now. Do you think we can do that?"

There's a silent pause where Holly starts to shake under my grip and I know in another minute she'll be weeping hopelessly. Ash's hand finds my shoulder and squeezes.

"We can." He says gently and smiles down at Holly then me. "We can be brave, can't we Holly?"

Her glassy green eyes meet Ash's and she stares at him for a long time before nodding weakly. She steps forward and lets her face fall into his chest as he wraps his arms tightly around her.

"It'll be okay, Holly." He whispers softly, his words choked with the tears he's trying to contain, "You'll see. At least we're all together, right?"

She nods again, this time more confidently even though her face is buried in his shirt.

"We'll be okay." He murmurs and looks up at me with a questioning gaze, as though he's looking for me to confirm it somehow. I can't, of course, but I step forward and gather them both in my arms and we stay like that until the sun is low in the sky.

Reluctantly, we all separate and start to walk through the forest again in no particular direction. I don't know where we'll end up but Ash is right, at least we're together.

AN: Please, let me know what you're thinking! I love hearing from you! The next chapter is only a rough outline so it might be a bit longer wait than usual.

I also have two points I wanted to discuss:

1. We hit the 200,000 word marker several chapters ago (Damn, right?) and I was thinking, I'm pretty swamped with writing right now but I was listening to some music and I thought maybe I would make a fun little playlist of songs that have inspired parts of this story/remind me of the characters. I would post it on my tumblr and I could link to it in the next post. Let me know what you think on it! Or if you have any alternative ideas- let me hear those too!

2. If any of you readers are interested, I have started another project- an AU Everlark fic that takes place in 1900s Chicago. This new story is the reason I've been so swamped with writing lately! So if you're sick of waiting for an update here, feel free to check it out if it interests you at all :)