Chapter Thirty-Seven

Thanks to A Dreaming Songbird, laineywillis3, and WhovianNightFury13 for reviewing.

= Be John Egbert

STILL DAY FOUR HUNDRED AND TWENTY.

You are John Egbert. Which means it's time to reconnect with an old friend.

"Do you want something? Some AJ? A slice of pizza? A Long Island Iced Tea?"

"Uh… I'm fine. Thanks."

"Suit yourself." Dave sinks down in the chair across from you and with a snap of his fingers, summons a large pizza into existence. "You know, John." He rolls a slice into a tube shape and then shoves the whole thing into his mouth. "This whole 'being dead' thing isn't really as bad as everyone makes it out to be."

"Really?"

"Yeah, man. Really." He reaches for a third piece. "You can do whatever you want, whenever you want. No one's here to tell you off. You just… chill. I've had so much time to just chill, man. You wouldn't even believe."

"But isn't it lonely?"

He chews thoughtfully for a moment, and then shrugs.

"I've got some good company."

As if on demand, the door opens behind you, admitting in another Dave.

"Sup, Bro." Second Dave says, walking past your table and towards the fridge. "Yo, Dave-616. I'm pretty sure it's your turn to do the dishes tonight."

The Dave you first encountered snaps his fingers.

"Consider it done, Dave-1610." He says with a smirk.

"That's my, boy." The second Dave makes his exit, a bundle of apple juice cartons wrapped safely in his arms. "Take it easy, John."

"Yeah… you too." Your answer is automatic and a little weak. There are just too many things bouncing around in your head for you to be as personable as you'd like to be.

Dave-616, the one sitting across from you, continues speaking.

"See what I'm saying though?" He snaps his fingers once more. "This place is like magic. That right there, that was me doing the dishes and sweeping under all the beds. I am god, John. It is me."

"How can you do all of that by just," You try to snap your fingers, but fail. You'd never learned that particular skill. "Snapping your fingers? I thought imagining stuff was supposed to be hard."

"Oh that's just these troll chumps. They lack the same imagination as you and me." Dave leans back in his chair, an almost grin smeared over his face. "They're still struggling to make sticks and stones, but me: I had this place built in under two minutes. Well, I say me, but it was actually us."

"Yeah, how many of you are there anyway?"

Once again, the Dave named Dave-616 appears to wrack his brains for a moment.

"Last roll call we had, it was well over a hundred thousand, almost two maybe. That was a while ago. I forget the exact numbers."

"Wow." You breathe. "That's incredible! So you guys have just been hanging out here the whole time?"

"Hanging out, and kicking back, my living friend." Dave-616 raises a tall glass of liquor in a mock toast. "I'd be a filthy liar though, if I said I didn't miss you, Bro. What the hell have you been up to?"

"Oh, geez. Where do I begin?" You tell him about the golden airship and the past four hundred and twenty days you and Jade had spent trapped upon it. "I don't know how I would have survived these last few months if I wasn't coming here to hang out with Vriska. Oh shit. Vriska!"

"What?"

"She didn't want me to come here." You explain. "Every time I asked her about this place, she just brushed me off. Why though?"

"Isn't it obvious?" He suddenly leans forward, resting his elbows on the table. "Little Icky Vrisky doesn't want her pet hanging out with the other dogs. Exposure to fellow members of your species means that all her hard work has a chance of being undone. She thinks I'll try to convince you to stay away from her."

"Will you?"

"Hell fucking yes!" The table rattles loudly when he slams his fist down on its surface. "Are you an idiot, John?!"

"Yes." You sigh.

"That's right. You are an idiot. You've been playing into her hands for so long you don't even know which way is up anymore." His index finger prods your forehead viciously. "You've got it stuck in your noggin that you're supposed to like this chick. When really she's about the worst thing that has ever happened to you."

"How though?" You plead. "What's so bad about her? Well, I mean, besides some of the obvious stuff."

Dave shakes his head.

"I'm not giving you the answers, John, not this time. That doesn't seem to have any impact on you at all. What you're going to do right now is this: you're going to list to me all the reasons Vriska might be a 'bad news bears' for you."

"Right now?"

"Right now."

"Well, I dunno." You exhale deeply and ponder his command. "She's… killed me before."

"Yes." He holds up one finger.

"But that was for my own good." You defend. "She was helping me reach God Tier."

His finger doesn't move down.

"Keep going, John." He says.

"Ugh. I guess she…" You rub the back of your neck. "She killed Tavros too and sort of took over his home in the after-life."

Dave raises another finger.

"She likes to have sex a lot, sometimes when I'm not in the mood."

Another finger.

"She curses at me pretty regularly and Tavros too. It's like she just keeps him around to berate him.

One more.

"These past few months she's been working me non-stop. It's like she's training me for the galactic Olympics or something."

"Yeah, I've seen you running laps down there. The perfect little lapdog." He nods towards your biceps. "Although I can't deny the results. Nice guns, Smith and Wesson."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome. Now continue."

"That's it." You say. He raises his eyebrows over the top of his shades. "What? It is!"

"I got six more fingers here, John." Dave waves his hands in front of your face. "And I know you got way more reasons than that."

You sigh. When you first saw Dave through that open window, you hadn't thought that this would be how your first conversation would go. Hell, you didn't know how it would go. It's just that dissecting your relationship with Vriska was something you'd never thought you'd go through with Dave.

Rose maybe, but not Dave.

"She's lies to me a lot."

"About what?"

"Well… She said that whatever was in these apartments was 'none of my business', but it totally is!"

"What makes you say that?"

"You're my best friend, Dave!" You explain. "Of course I'm at liberty to know if a hundred thousand you's are hanging out within a hundred yards of me."

"Why do you think?" Dave-616 leans forward more, ever closer to you. "She would want to hide this little tidbit of information from you?"

"For all the reasons you just said. You'd try and get me away from her."

"And why would she so desperately cling to you, John?"

"Because she loves me."

The confident smirk that had adorned Dave's face ever since you first saw him falters. As if a switch has been flicked, the snide grin is gone, replaced with a grim line of astute seriousness.

"She wants you all to herself, John," He corrects. "Because you're the only one that she can trust to bring her back to life."

"Well, yeah. She asked me to get the ring, but…"

"But what?" Dave's face is now so close to your own, you're pretty sure he's no longer attatached to his chair. "Face it, John. Everything she's done to 'benefit' you so far has been a not-so-secret ploy to forward her own selfish agenda. You've been played, my friend, like a human yo-yo."

You squeeze your eyes shut behind your thick-framed glasses. Was Dave right? Was everything Vriska had done for you just something that she wanted? Everything certainly seems like it. From Rose's initial warnings against her, to the troll's fierce dislike of her, and then Tavros's blatant jabs about her, everyone has been telling you that Vriska is bad news.

When you'd fist talked to her, face to face, she'd pulled you away on a mission to kill Jack Noir. She had forced you into God Tier to make you stronger, raising her chances of victory. She had slept with you, to satisfy her own lustful desires. She had commissioned you into finding the ring, to bring her back to life. And now she was training you, to be her ultimate tool.

"Is it sinking in?" Dave drawls in your ear.

With a low moan, you bury your face in your hands.

"God dammit, Dave." You voice is hoarse. "Just… god fucking dammit."

His hand is on your shoulder, rubbing gentle, soothing circles into your muscular knots.

"There, there, Bro." He's saying. "Pesky feminine whiles are not easily detected, let alone avoided. It could have happened to any one of us."

"That's the worst part." You groan into your hands. "It could have been any of us. She could have taken Jade on that stupid mission, or you. Then me and her would never have been together. I'm not special at all."

His hands fingers dig into your hair and force your head upward, brining your eyes to meet his dark lenses.

"Listen here, Egbert." Dave growls. "You are special. You're cool and you're nice and you're special as all fuck. And if Vriska's going to treat you like dirt then… just screw her man. Screw her all the way to hell and back again."

"Dave…" You look to your friend. "What do I do?"

"Leave." He answers. "Forget about Vriska. Go back to my Jade. Keep her safe, keep yourself safe, and when you finally reach that meteor, give Rose a big 'ol romantic kiss right on those tightly pursed lips of hers."

You blink dumbly at him.

"Wh- What was that last part again?"

"Never mind. Let's just take one step at a time, okay?"

"Okay."

Dave returns to his chair and when he offers you a drink again, you graciously accept.

"Step one," He begins, as you down your glass. "Wake up and don't come back."

"I can't leave without talking to Vriska, at least one more time." You wipe your mouth on the back of your hand. "She needs to know that I've figured her out."

"No." Dave says immediately. "If you get within arm's reach of that siren again, you'll be trapped back in her web. You have to get the hell out of dodge, John."

"But what about you? I wanna talk to you more."

"There's a version of me still alive, right? Just talk to him when you see him next time."

"But that's going to be years!"

"Life's hard, John." He conjures up more drinks. "Especially when you're suffering from Strider Withdrawal."

"Yeah," You gulp down your second glass. "But other than that. I still need to talk to Nepeta or Eridan, or both. There's still so many questions that I have about what happened on the meteor."

"You don't know what happened after Nepeta's exile?"

"Vriska told me the basic outline, but I'm almost certain now that she's leaving something out."

Dave's face goes from perpetually neutral, to slight frown.

"Does Jade know?"

"What?"

"Did you tell Jade about what happened on the meteor? Does she know…"

"No." You cut him off. "She doesn't even know that I've been coming here every night."

"You should tell her."

"I know." You groan again with the unfairness of the world. "So wait, do you know what happened there?"

"Dave-982 talked to Eridan after he showed up, and then the news was spread to the rest of us." He explains. "Nepeta's made it clear that no version of me, alive or dead, is allowed within thirty feet of her. Like I'd go anywhere near that crazy bitch anyways, geez."

"Do you know anything about what happened, other than what Vriska has told me?"

"I think the outline is good enough, John. Everything else you should find out for yourself when you get there."

"Wow, thanks for nothing."

You check your watch and find that it's now twenty minutes later than when you were supposed to wake up.

"Oh, shit." You stand up. "I gotta go."

"Alright, just remember what I said." Dave rises as well. "Forget about Vriska, just focus on getting you and Jade to that meteor in one piece, got it?"

"Got it." You extend your hand towards your friend. "Take care of yourself, Dave."

"You too, Bro." Dave grabs your hand tightly in his. "Listen. If you tell Jade that we're here, just… don't let her come, okay? Don't let her die again, especially over something as stupid as seeing me."

"But don't you want to see her?"

Dave retracts his hand and stuffs it roughly into his pocket.

"I think that all Dave/Jade interaction should be kept within the realm of the living. There's one Dave alive, and there's one Jade alive, and that's the way it should be." He scrubs his shoe into the carpet. "Plus, there's a reason that one Dave survived. He's the best, and Jade deserves the best."

You stare at him for a moment, evaluating the weight of his words. You want to tell him that Jade would be happy with him too. That it's more of a coincidence than anything else that that particular Dave survived while all the other's died. You want to tell him that he deserves Jade just as much as any of the other Dave's.

Instead, you just nod and turn to leave.

Climbing out of the window once more and floating away, you wait until you're out of sight before streaking towards Vriska's and Tavros's hive. Like hell you aren't going to talk to her one last time before you leave forever. This might be the last chance you have to get some concrete answers out of her, about your relationship, about everything.

When you touch down on the front porch, Tavros is waiting.

"So." He grins and nods towards in the general direction of the apartments. "Did you like what you saw?"

"Shut up." You brush past his wheel chair and head through the front door.

Vriska is lounging on the bed when you come in.

"Oh. Hey there, Pupa. I thought you would have left by now." She stretches luxuriously, like a cat. "So, ready for round nine?"

"No." You say. "No, I don't think I am."

Vriska looks over to the wall, where a large, spider-themed clock hangs.

"Well it's too early for a work out. What do you wanna do?" Suddenly a look of discomfort washes over her face. "Fuuuhh, you don't want to talk again do you?"

"Actually I do."

With a sigh, she sits up and scoots over to the edge of the bed.

"Fine." Vriska pats the empty spot next to her. "Take a seat and open your heart up to me. I am you're therapist, John. It is me."

You ignore her offer. You stand right in front of her and glare with all of your might into her remaining eye.

"I went to the apartments." You say. "I saw them."

Instantly, her face darkens.

"Oh." She stands up and begins to collect her clothes, making herself decent once more. You stand and watch her move about the room, waiting for her to continue talking.

She doesn't.

"Well?" You demand. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I'm sorry that you had to see that." She comes over to you and reaches for your hand. You step out of her reach. "John, it's okay. You can talk to me about it. That's what you want to do, right? Talk about it."

"Yeah, I wanna talk. I wanna talk about how you've been using me all this time."

Her mouth opens slightly and her eye widens, before narrowing sharply.

"Is that what they told you?" She tilts her head to the side. "Is that the sort of bullshit that they filled your head with."

"The only thing he did, was to point out all the bullshit you've put me through." You start to pace. "Killing me, training me, it was all to improve your chances of success."

"Yours too, John." She counters. "Do you think you would have gotten this far if you weren't in the God Tiers? And how about now? Now that you're stronger than ever, you stand a better chance of winning!"

"Dave told me-"

"That wasn't Dave! That was a copy of a copy of a copy of your friend. He lied to you."

"Dave wouldn't lie to me." You feel anger bubbling in your gut like hot magma. You hate that feeling. You hate being angry. "You told me not to go to those apartments, because I would find out the truth about all this. You want me all to yourself."

"John, you moron!" She shrieks. "I didn't tell you about those apartments because I thought it would make you upset! Don't humans get all soft when then they see a dead friend? I didn't wanna find out how much it would fuck you up to see a gazillion dead friends."

"Stop trying to confuse me!" You grab great fistfuls of your hair in frustration. "Dave said that you were just manipulating me and I have to belive him!"

"You'll believe your brainless, dead friend over your own Matesprit." Vriska thrusts her thumb into her chest. "I haven't been helping you this whole time, John, which is much more than can be said for him. What has he done for you, really?"

You think back, all the way back to the beginning. A Dave from an alternate timeline had called you and warned you not to trust Terezi, since she was leading you to your death in a sick joke. You'd trusted Dave then and it had turned out alright. You and Dave are friends, best friends and Vriska is…

"Do you love me?" You blurt suddenly, completely ignoring her question.

"What?"

"Do you love me, Vriska. Or not."

Her face twists with confusion. She hadn't been expecting this.

"I'm flushed for you, John, if that's what you're asking."

You shake your head roughly.

"That word doesn't mean anything to me. The quadrants, the friend-love, the hate-love, I don't understand any of that." You take a step towards Vriska, almost pleading. "Put it into words that I can understand. Please."

Her face goes from confusion, to an unfamiliar emotion, something soft and almost warm. Then, just as quickly, it hardens once more.

"No." She says.

"N- no?"

"No, John. I'm not playing that game with you." Her metallic finger jams into your chest. "I've very well made it plain how I feel about you. I've told you things that I've never told anyone, you've seen me in ways that I would never let anyone see me, and you have the unmitigated nerve to demand that I spell it out for you? Are you really that selfish? Are you really that stupid?"

"I'm not stupid." You shove her arm away. "And I don't think it's selfish, after everything I've done for you, to ask for a simple 'yes or no' answer."

"After everything you've done for me." Vriska echoes. "What have you done for me, John, besides waste my gog-dammed time? You were nothing when I found you and I made you something. This is how you repay me? With this bullshit paranoia and interrogation?" She turns, shaking her head. "Get the fuck out, John."

"What?"

"Get out of my house."

You don't move. You just stare at the back of her head, into that mass of tangled black hair, and wish with all of your heart, that you had the power to peer into her skull and see exactly what she was thinking. Vriska turns to face you.

"What do you want?" She steps closer. "Do you want me to put it into 'understandable terms'?" Her nose brushes against yours. "Get. The. Fuck. Away. From. Me."

You back away from her and turn towards the door. You'll almost over the threshold when something slams into the wall next to your ear. After flinching violently, you look down to see that a simple, blue box about the size of a envelope has fallen at your feet.

"That's for you, by the way." Vriska sneers. "Try not to fuck that up too."

You stoop and pick it up gingerly.

"I'm sorry, Vriska."

"Yeah, well don't be." She sinks back onto her bed and after a moment, speaks again. "I… I thought you were different, John. I really did. I thought that you were special."

You open your mouth to say something, but before you can even formulate a full response, she finishes her thought:

"But you're just like everyone else."

Clutching the box tightly under your hands, you turn towards the door once more.

"Goodbye, Vriska."

And then you wake up.

The bath water has long turned cold and stagnant, sitting with the unimpressionable stillness as a pane of glass and the frigid, sense-sharpening effects of a winter breeze. For a moment, you're tempted to just lay in the water, half-submerged and shivering, until the airship arrives at the meteor and you're forced to face the world once again. The moment is shattered by a cold voice.

"Hey there, brother dearest." Jade's voice is like steel. "Have a nice trip?"

You turn in the water and look over the edge of the tub to see Jade sitting on the counter, a large revolver resting on her lap.

"Are you going to kill me again?" You ask.

"I'm thinking about it." She says, tapping the gleaming weapon with her finger "How the next few minutes pan out depends on whether or not you have a good explanation for all this."

You rest your chin on the edge of the bathtub, steadily dripping water from your beard and hair onto the floor.

"I've been killing myself every night for the past… two hundred or so days, so that Vriska can teach me to be a badass."

"I thought it would be something like that." Jade nods. "Is there any reason you decided to keep these little excursions a secret?"

"I didn't want to make you angry." You sigh. "I didn't want you to be worried, and I didn't want you to be jealous. I was stupid. I am stupid. And I won't be doing it again."

"Why not?"

You want to tell her, but you don't. Instead you just sit up straighter and lean against the back of the tub. It's then that you notice the box floating down at the opposite end of the bathtub near your feet.

When you lean forward and grab it, Jade notices it too.

"What's that?" She slips from the counter and kneels next to the tub. "Are those drugs? Have you been hiding drugs from me too?"

You don't answer that question. Opening the lid of the box, you find a single card resting on a pile of shredded paper. It's a captchalogue code, which reads:

82THE8TH

You've 8een working hard, so I got you a little reward. I know that you can use this to m8ke something awesome, John! I 8elive in you.

L8ve,

Your m8sprit, Vriska

"John?" Jade's hand gently shakes your shoulder. "What is it? Are you okay?"

You turn to your ecto-sister, with pitiful tears dripping down your face to mingle with the chilled water below.

"I'm sad, Jade." You mumble. "I'm really sad."

Her long arms wrap around your shoulders and you're suddenly being smothered in long hair and warm sibling. Through blurry eyes and askew glasses, you stare hard at Vriska's damp gift, still clutched tightly in your hand, and wonder, not for the first time, who and what you are supposed to believe.

Welp. I just want you all to know: I'm a fan of John, I'm a fan of Vriska, and I'm a fan of Spider8reath. This was hard for me to write, but I went through with it anyways for a yada yada yada yada...

GRIMDORKS

In all seriousness, there will be more John and Vriska interaction in the future, but the story is progressing at a rate where I cannot justify keeping their relationship stationary. Things have to happen and since I'm writing this story, I'm making it happen. The era of sinking ships is upon us. Long live Dave/Jade.

Thanks for reading.

- Mike