Thanks for the reviews and reading like always. As for the comment I left in the last chapter regarding the reviews, it seemed to come out wrong again. It sounded as if I were unhappy with the reviews or demanding for more and was trying to guilt you guys into reviewing. From the feedback I received it sounded that way, which is the opposite of what I tried to say. Sigh… I give up on trying explaining what I originally wanted to say. No matter how many times I try, it will come out wrong one way or another. As I have said somewhere before, I'm not even sure if you and I are reading the same story sometimes from the responds I sometimes got. But as long as you guys are happy with the story, I am happy too. As for the reviews, I will still say "review please" because I still want them, but the rest is up to you. Review if you feel like review, and don't if you don't, NO PRESSURE OR HARD FEELINGS.
As for the next update, please keep in mind that the reason why it had been update quite frequently in the past is because it was already written and I just had to add this and that to it. However, after this chapter (finally catch up the where we originally left off), it will all be written from scratch. It will take longer to update. You will know when the next update is when I know. I'm not the boss of my writing because I have been bossed around by it all this time.
With that said, I'm not very happy with this chapter either. It is too wordy to me and with this and that. I don't know, I just think it could be better. I was debating if I should update it or wait until I'm satisfied with it, but I decided to update it anyway. I might come back to fix this chapter in the future too. Okay, I will stop my long note here. Enjoy the story. It is the chapter you guys have been waiting for. :D
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It was late into the night. Almost midnight, maybe? Rin was not entirely sure.
She had been tossing and turning inside her futon. She had tried to fall asleep and keep as still as she could to not disturb Inuyasha, who slept in the next room with Kagome, because of his sensitive ears.
Yet, she could not sleep.
Jaken however was snoring loudly without a care in the world not too far from her. She envied him. He was able to sleep anywhere and anytime.
She sighed. She gave up on trying. There were too many thoughts on her mind for sleep to make peace with her.
Slowly, she sat up, using her right arm to support her weight. Her long raven hair cascaded down her shoulders and back like a waterfall. She lifted the blanket off herself, revealing her sleeping kimono to the darkness. She looked around the room again. Her eyes had long adjusted and grew accustomed to the darkness because she had been staring into it for hours. The little moonlight that managed to sneak inside the house provided her insight. Very quietly, she stood up.
Inuyasha and Kagome slept in the room to her right and the children were in the room farthest from her, next to their parents'.
Rin had tried to go through the night staying inside her room, but she could no longer laying still and let all the thoughts attacked her.
Consuming her.
Suffocating her.
She needed fresh air.
Carefully, she picked her steps, her footsteps were naturally light because she was well-trained in martial art; she used the little moonlight in the room as a guide to not bump into anything. Inuyasha would wake up at the slightest of noise, if he was sleeping in the first place that is, because often than not the half-demon stayed awake. He did not need as much sleep as a human.
Rin headed toward the door and opened with caution. The nocturnal air greeted her, freshen her mind a little. It was slightly cold outside. The moonlight shone softly upon the land. The moon was not at its fullest, but it was big enough to provide light for her to see. She closed the door silently behind her.
She sighed again.
She would just take a little walk.
It had been a hard decision. The hardest decision in her life, but she had to go through with it. Sesshomaru would be upset. Very, very upset, but there was no way around it. She knew the only way to make him happy was to go back with him and continue as if nothing had happened. But she could no longer keep on pretending. She was so in love with him that it pained her to the cord seeing him with another woman. Every day the jealously within her grew. Her thought had become so ugly that she was even afraid of herself. Afraid of what she could do. Afraid of the day she would destroy every precious memory she had shared with Sesshomaru.
It was for the best. She could never ask him to give up on marrying Katsumi. Not that he would comply with her selfish pleading even if she tried. He liked the demoness and wanted to marry her. He would have a happy life with Katsumi. Rin could not stay in the way of his happiness, the only man who extended his hand to her when she was all alone, abandoned, and worthless.
Of course Rin knew he wanted her in his life too. She wished so badly she could stay. Being by his side had always been her dream, since the moment they met, since the day he left her behind in the human village with the promise he would come back for her. She was so happy when that dream had finalized, even if it took nearly ten years.
But it was different now. Everything had changed and she could no longer stay. Not with all these overwhelming feelings. She was the disease that would surely destroy his happiness. And that was all because she loved him.
Why did love have to come with jealousy? Why did it come with pain and possessiveness? The pain that was so great she could hardly breathe just knowing it could never be between them. She was tired of this painful love. She was tired of this ugliness of her. Yet, she could not stop loving him.
Would she be able to stop loving him? She had loved him for half of her life. If she cast that part of her aside, she would be as empty as a shell. Half of her soul would die with it.
Could a new love save her? She rather not thinks about it now. Right now, her priority is to go through with the decision. She had to be strong and walked away. If she allowed herself to be weak and do as Sesshomaru wish, there would be no happy future for them. She had to get away and get this ugliness of hers under control. With time, she might be able to stand in front of him and Katsumi with a smile without feeling like she was being tortured.
That was for the best.
She had to let him go.
Because she loved him, she would let him go.
Rin sighed again. How many times had she sighed today, she had lost counted.
The moon was beautiful, but she paid little mind to it. The wind blew softly sending her hair flying in astray. She hugged herself as the cold breeze caressed her; her feet continued to walk, taking one step after another in a not so hurry fashion. Her eyes were on her feet, deep in thought. She felt so wounded and lonely.
How would she tell Sesshomaru?
She did not want to face Sesshomaru.
She did not want to say goodbye.
But she had to.
Rin sighed and looked up, but was not prepare for what she was about to see.
Her eyes widened, her feet rooted to the spot. The moment had come.
Sesshomaru!
He was back!
When did he come back?
He sat gracefully leaning against a tall tree not too far from Inuyasha's hut. The breathtaking sight she was so familiar with and had never gotten tire of. But she would not see it again after this. She would not see him again.
Her eyes softened at the sight of him. Her heart ached painfully looking at the man she was so deeply in love with.
If only she had not been so weak with emotions and allowed herself to fall in love with him, she could have followed him until the end of her time. When she was a child she felt content with just being by his side. It was so simple back then. She wished she could return to those days. To only see him as her guardian.
But it was impossible now. She had grown up, and her greed had grown with her.
She wanted him to…
She swallowed the thick lump in the throat, her heart thumped painfully, dared not to complete the sentence even in her own mind.
Staring at the beautiful man before her, she contemplated on what she should do. A part of her wanted to go to him, but another part told her to return to the hut. He might still be angry with her. She stood, debating on her options.
However, Sesshomaru made the decision for her. He turned his gaze her way and their eyes held. It would be impolite for her to leave now so she walked toward him.
"Lord Sesshomaru, you have returned," she greeted him, a small smile appeared on her face, but it did not reach her eyes. She came to stand next to the tree beside his, studied him closely, waiting for his reaction.
"Hn," was his replied.
Rin slowly let out the breath she had being holding. He had calm down now, she mused. He did not seem to be as angry as before.
They both fell into silent, lost in their own thoughts. The silent dragged on and it was not the comfortable silent she was so used to when she was around him.
Rin shifted, adjusted her night clothe slightly, feeling nervous.
"The proposal," she started. That had the dog demon lord's attention. His head gracefully turned her way, waiting intensely for her to continue. His face was unreadable and that made her felt even more uneasy. She was always able to read him and she hated it when she could not.
Rin fidgeted a little and she continued, "I've declined it." She told him, carefully observing for his expression.
His eyes widened slightly for a millisecond, something that only happen when he was caught by surprise, before his face returned to its usual stoic fashion. She still could not read him and she hated it.
After Sesshomaru left in the afternoon, Rin had had sometimes to carefully think about her situation. It was the breaking point of her life and she could not take it lightly. She thought of all the possibilities, all the decisions she could make. But one thing was clear; going back to Sesshomaru was not an option.
The choice of going to the north with Daisuke was tempting she admitted, going as a friend of course, because she would not have to see Sesshomaru again unless she wished to.
But overall it was not the best choice. It would not solve the problem in the long run knowing Sesshomaru did not approve of Daisuke.
But, the only way to make Sesshomaru happy was to stay by his side, and she could not do that. Not even if it were for his sake.
Yet, she seemed to be permanently imprinted with the desire to please him. Because Sesshomaru did not like Daisuke, she shut down the idea of going to the north with the tiger demon lord.
"Hn," was Sesshomaru only reply. His head turned back toward the night sky. His facade was calm and unreadable, but he felt relief. Strangely relief knowing Rin would not be another man's.
Rin swallowed, her throat felt dry, her heart started to race as she prepared herself to speak the next sentence.
"However," she said uneasily. The nervousness in her voice caught Sesshomaru's attention. He felt tensed, but did not turn to look at her this time. He knew whatever she was about to say, he would not like it.
"I am staying here." She spoke her mind. But that was only half true. She would not stay here for long.
After thinking everything through, she realized her options was not only limited to staying in the Edo Village, go back with Sesshomaru, or leave to the North with Daisuke. She had many other options. One of them was to leave go with Kohaku. She could travel with him and give him a hand in the demon slaying. Kohaku should not refuse her. Even if he did, she could still travel alone. She was not so weak to need protection all the time. But no matter what, she would not go back with Sesshomaru.
Sesshomaru turned to look at her fully. His eyes scrutinized her. Elegantly, he stood up.
"Why?" he asked. The question that had been eating him this whole time, but Rin refused to truly answer him.
Sesshomaru had done a lot of thinking on his way to and from Masaru's. He took his time with the fox demon and finished the job the way he had planned. He destroyed Masaru's den, burning it down to the ground, killing dozens of brainless servants who did not heed to his warning. He always gave anyone a chance to get out of his sight, and if they were still wished to be killed after that, he granted them their wishes.
He made the coward Masaru an example for anyone who planned to take what was his that would not end well. He could be cruel when he needed to be.
Sesshomaru had been thinking about the past weeks regarding Rin, thought of any possibility that could have make her wanted to leave him.
Was it something he did?
Was it Daisuke? What was it?
He thought of the moment Rin started to change. She was happy with him until the moment Katsumi was introduced into the picture. He thought she would be down for only a few days, but he was wrong.
Was it Katsumi? Did she threaten her? If the demoness did, he would make sure Katsumi knew her place. But it did not appear to be so. Katsumi was not that cruel of a person and seemed to be found of Rin even. But he could not dismiss the absentminded Rin after spending time bathing with the demoness.
But he knew for a fact that Katsumi did not wish for Rin's death. From the few events Katsumi tried so desperately to save Rin, when she had no obligation to, proved of that theory. But it did not mean that she had no hidden motives. Not that Sesshomaru concluded Katsumi had a hidden motive for her action, but he would not dismiss the possibility. He was not so naïve to blindly trust just anyone.
Katsumi did not interact with Rin until a few days later into their traveling. Could she say something to upset Rin? So much that it would make her wanted to leave?
Or was it Daisuke? Did she want to be with the tiger demon that badly? But now he could cross that one off the list because Rin already declined the proposal.
He came down to another conclusion. The engagement!
He knew she was not happy with it, but never thought it would drive her to leave him.
No, he never thought she would leave him, period.
"I want to be here," she told him.
Once again, she refused to give him the real answer.
"Why?" he pressed. He had to hear it from her own mouth no matter what it takes.
"The village here is nice. I-" she tried to make up an excuse, any excuse that was not a lie. She was a terrible lair and it would only take Sesshomaru a glance to see through it.
"You want to escape from me." He stated. His stone heart sank at the statement, it felt so heavy, the emotion he did not believe could occur to him, but he had to know. He never run away from problem and he is not about to do so now.
Rin gasped, staring at his cold figure in shock.
He was not blind. Of course he saw right through her!
"Why?" he pressed again. He was fully facing her, his eyes burning into hers as if he was searching into her very soul.
"It's not…" she was about to deny that it was not because of him, but she could not. She wanted to escape from him. She wanted to be away from the heartache. Escaped from this fruitless love that had been slowly turning her into a bitter poison.
"Did I neglect you?" he took a step forward. Rin stood frozen in place like a small prey being cornered by a predator. "Have I mistreated you in anyway?" he had to know, still walking toward her. "What did I do? What makes you want to leave my side?" he stopped a foot before her, staring down at her shorter form.
She could see that it had been bothering him greatly. She of all people could see how much effort he had put into finding out the reason of her leaving.
That only increased the agonizing of her raw heart.
He cared about her!
There was no doubt he cared about her. Otherwise he would not bother with her at all.
She was touched, truly touched.
She was more than honor that Sesshomaru would think so highly of her and deemed her important enough to occupied his mind.
Her heart felt warm, yet it was like a double edges sword that was killing her at the same time.
She wanted to throw herself into his arms, telling him that she would never leave him. That she would be with him forever. But she could never do so. Not with these overflown feelings of love that could easily turn into bitter hatred. Because she wanted him in a way she should never have.
She wanted him to herself and herself alone.
It was best for her to keep distance from him. With time, she might be able to give up the idea of monopolizing him. But not right now.
"What have I done that makes my side so detestable?" he asked in his cold tone. He was at lost.
She had hurt him, she knew. Whatever she may choose would inflict more pain on him. He thought she betrayed him by leaving him. She never wanted to hurt him, but she had no choice
"What do I do… to make you stay?" he asked both to himself and to her, his gazed was cold, his voice was monotone, but Rin knew how heavy those words weighted.
Rin gasped, her hands flew to cover her mouth. She felt her nostril burning; tears were threatening to fall, the action she had not done since the day her parents were murdered.
What do I do to make you stay?
That one phase made her willing to give up her life for him. For someone as proud as her lord, who always told her to do as she pleased, asking her to stay, willing to go out of his way to comply with her greed, showed just how much he cherished her. Never had she thought she could be so important to someone. Especially to Sesshomaru who never compromised on anything.
A tear fell down her milky cheek. The moonlight made it shine.
Sesshomaru loved her!
It may not be the same love she had for him and wished for, but he did love her in his own way.
She was happy. Truly happy. Even if it crushed her heart that they could never be more, but she was happy that he cared about her.
Quickly, she wiped the tear away. For a second, Sesshomaru stared at her in utter shock. He had never seen her cried before. Many did, but never her.
Rin drew in a deep breath, eyes closed as if she was making up her mind.
"Lord Sesshomaru," she started, opening her lovely eyes to look at his breathtaking handsome face. "It is for the best that I am parting from you. Because my feelings for you… has changed.
"I…" Her mouth felt dry. She wanted to run away, run away from reality, but she would not. She had to face the truth. They needed this closure. He deserved to know the truth after all the loved he had showed her. The truth that could sever all the ties she had with him.
Sesshomaru too was holding his breathe despite his stoic appearance. He was about to learn why she was leaving him. How her feelings had changed. Not that he would let her go.
"I have falling in love you."
For the third time, Sesshomaru's mouth opened slightly ajar, his eyes widened a few centimeters. He never thought that of all the reasons, this would be the one.
"I know I should not love you," she turned her gaze to the side, avoiding his intense eyes. "I am but a mare human. These feelings should never be born. I want to stay by your side forever and ever, my lord. But I can no longer do so."
A dark cloud covered the moonlight, the wind blew softly. The tree leaves rustled, making gentle waves. The cold wind brushed her skin, making her shuddered a little. Her heart felt so heavy.
"In the past weeks, I have turn into an ugly creature I did not recognize. I have been tormented with jealousy to the point of being blind to see reasons. I could not see anything, but how Lady Katsumi has taken you from me. Even when she saved my life, all I saw was how close she has gotten to you. I want to have you all to myself." She felt into silence. The moonlight danced the ground once more; the dark cloud had uncovered the moon.
Sesshomaru remained quiet.
"I don't want to be like this. It is…," she wet her dry throat with some saliva, "It is painful.
"This is only the beginning. I know the ugliness inside my heart will grow even more to the point of unstoppable, if I stay. I don't want to end up hating you or the lady that you love." the last word came out forced and it did not escaped his kin observance. She had confessed her darkest secret to him.
"I love you Lord Sesshomaru. I know I should not, but I can't stop loving you. I love you to the point that if I don't get away from you, I will forever be burn with torments. It will make me destroy us both."
She still looked away, dared not face her lord. She felt naked. All of her ugliness was open for Sesshomaru to see. Not to mention she had been insolent and declared her love for him; her desire to monopolize him. Sesshomaru might not understand. He detected emotional beings that could not control themselves; those let emotion rule over them.
Gently, she felt his clawed hand turned her face to him. She did not know what kind of expression Sesshomaru had waiting for her. But whatever expression it was, she had to face him.
"You… desire this Sesshomaru?" he asked, but sounded more like a statement than a question. His face remain neutral, his eyes were soft. The softness that only she could see. He was not angry.
"Yes." She answered softly.
"As a woman to a man?" he was making sure. His thumb gently caressed her cheek. The gentle touch made her yearned for more.
She looked sadly into his beautiful golden eyes; the eyes that she did not wish to see directed at her with hatred. She conveyed the emotions she knew he could read like an open book through her owns.
"Yes." She loved him.
As soon as the word left her mouth, she was in for a surprise.
To call it a surprise was an understatement.
She was paralyzed.
His lips were on hers! Her heart nearly stopped beating.
He kissed her!
He gently pulled away, just enough to look at her face, reading her reaction before he kissed her again. He pulled away once more time, testing her, leaving plenty of room for her to reject him in case she was unwilling, before he lips touched hers once more.
After the third kiss, she dared herself to respond to his soft lips. Hers started moving, getting bolder and bolder as his were leading hers, encouraging hers until their lips were tightly locked and did not part. His hot tongue gently inserted inside her mouth. She welcomed the sensation with glee. Their tongues were then exploring each other's; entangling with one another's with pure desire and pleasure.
Was this for real?
Had she been dreaming? Did she fall asleep and dream all this up?
Sesshomaru was kissing her!
Kissed her as if he wanted to devour her.
After a minute or so in their heated moment, their lips finally broke apart, both were panting heavily. She looked into each his eyes. She saw no regret on his face. She wanted to kiss him. Kiss him again and again, to feel him, to touch him, to make sure that this was real.
As if he could read her mind, within seconds, his mouth was on hers. Her arms reached behind his back while his supported her waist and neck. Her legs felt so weak.
She pressed herself closer to him while he pulled her into his strong arms. She could touch him. Finally she could touch him, her forbidden lord.
She loved him.
She loved him so much that it hurts.
She returned his passionate kiss, matching her pace with his as if they were doing a battle. Their bodies were pressing against each other so tightly until was no space left, yet she wanted to get even closer to him. Her arms clung so tightly onto him, afraid that he would disappear if she let go.
How long had been she longing for this?
How many times she wanted to cry at her hopeless love?
How many times she convinced herself it was impossible?
How often her heart ached with desire while looking at the man she should never love? He had always been so close yet always so far away.
But that was no longer true.
She was kissing him!
She was embracing him.
Katsumi.
The demoness' face floated into her mind, reminding her that she was kissing another woman's man.
This was wrong, her conscious told her.
Her lord was about to marry Katsumi and here she was, kissing him with her dear life.
She felt guilty.
Truly, she felt guilty knowingly how she was wronging the demoness.
Yet, she could not let go. She had loved Sesshomaru for so long and now was finally able to touch him the way she desire. She felt bad for Katsumi, she did, but she could not stop herself. She would not stop kissing this man.
Even if she were to be damn to hell because of this, she would not let go.
Sesshomaru pushed her against a tree; following closely with a pair of hungry lips, ravished hers as if he was a starving wolf. She returned it with all the eagerness.
His warm lips told her desired her.
She was so happy. She felt as if her heart would burst from the happiness.
They kept on kissing, parting only enough for taking a breath before their lisp connected again. His kiss seemed to sing the silence word, "I love you". He always used his actions to tell her that he cared, and this time it was no different.
His action said it all.
He loved her.
She let her kiss spoken to him too, telling him with her dancing tongue just how happy she was, how much she wanted him.
She had finally had him.
She was finally inside his arms.
She would never let him go. Not even if the world were to collide, or so she thought.
But she was wrong.
"Oh, I did not know you were back, Lord Sesshomaru," spoke a female voice. Rin recognized that voice. "Did I… interrupt something?"
Lady Katsumi!
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Hm… this chapter is pretty much the same as it was, just changed some words, some sentences, but I feel like I overdid it with the kissing part. Might cut something off, or might not. I will have to see. Anyway :D I hope you guys are happy with this chapter. Whatever the future may hold, this is a moment to enjoy :D Take care and don't forget to review. :D
(Published Thursday, January 30, 2014)
Published the rewrite version MondayDecember 1, 2014