"Mother"
All titles are songs from the seventies. This song is by Barbra Streisand.
I own nothing. I'm just trying to fix the disastrous way the show ended. This is episode 9-6.
Thanks so much for reviewing!!! It really means a lot to me. So sorry about the delay, I've had relatives and holiday parties coming out of my ears this week :)
ACT 1
SCENE 1
INT. PINCIOTTI KITCHEN, MORNING. JOANNE AND BOB ARE SITTING AT THE TABLE EATING BREAKFAST WHEN DONNA COMES IN. SHE LOOKS A LITTLE CRANKY.
DONNA:
(flatly) Morning.
JOANNE:
(with a smile, to Donna) Good morning. I've got some waffles going for you.
DONNA:
No thanks, I'll just have some coffee.
DONNA HEADS OVER TO THE COUNTER IGNORING BOB AND JOANNE.
BOB:
They're really good. (he smiles proudly at Joanne) Joanne even added a little whipped cream face on them.
JOANNE;
(shrugging) I learned that trick from Kitty.
DONNA:
(turns and gives Joanne and Bob a sarcastic smile) Great. (she drops the smile and goes back to getting some coffee)
JOANNE:
(to Donna) I thought maybe you and I could do the seating chart for the reception today.
DONNA:
(a little rudely) That's ok, I can do it myself.
JOANNE:
I know, but I'd like to help.
DONNA:
(a little louder) I'll take care of it.
BOB:
(with a hopeful grin) Maybe you could help Jojo pick out her dress for the wedding, Donna. She's gotta look foxy since she'll be sitting next to me up front.
DONNA ABANDONS HER COFFEE AND HEADS OVER TO THE TABLE, NOW SHE LOOKS REALLY CRANKY.
DONNA:
(to Bob) What? I thought Mom would be sitting next to you.
BOB:
Your mom is gonna sit with the Formans, sweetie. It's pretty hard for your mom and I to sit together, (sadly) what with her always yelling at me and poking me.
JOANNE:
No, Bob. Donna's right, you and Midge should sit together, I'll sit with the Formans.
BOB:
(firmly, to Joanne) No you won't. You're my wife and I want you sitting with me.
DONNA:
(with a whine) Don't you even care what I think?
BOB:
Most of the time I do, (he shakes his head) but this ain't one of those times.
JOANNE:
(looking back and forth between Bob and Donna) I don't want to cause any problems.
DONNA:
(to Joanne) It's too late for that.
DONNA STOMPS OFF AND HEADS OUTSIDE, SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HER.
BOB:
(starting to sniffle) Aw geez. She sure can slam a door. She learned that from her mother.
JOANNE:
(with a sigh) Bob, stop crying. Have some waffles.
JOANNE HOLDS UP A PLATE OF WAFFLES FROM THE TABLE. BOB TAKES ONE AND GIVES HER A WEAK SMILE.
BOB:
Thanks Jojo. Waffles make me smile.
JOANNE:
(with a teasing grin) Bob, cornflakes make you smile.
BOB JUST SMILES AND NODS IN AGREEMENT.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 2
INT. THE HYDE'S KITCHEN, THE SAME TIME. THE TWINS ARE SITTING IN THEIR HIGH CHAIRS AND HYDE IS SITTING AT THE TABLE FEEDING THEM. JACKIE IS AT THE STOVE, COOKING BREAKFAST.
HYDE:
(to Jackie) I can't make them eat this crap. Have you tasted this stuff?
JACKIE:
It's supposed to be good for them.
HYDE:
(with a scowl) Yeah, well, so is exercising. But we don't do that either.
THE DOORBELL RINGS. JACKIE AND HYDE BOTH TURN TOWARDS THE SOUND.
JACKIE:
Who's that?
HYDE:
(turning back to the babies) It's probably Kelso. He can smell bacon cooking from 100 yards away.
JACKIE:
(putting her cooking aside) I'll be right back.
JACKIE EXITS INTO THE LIVING ROOM
HYDE:
(to the twins) I know you guys want me to just dump this stuff down the drain, but I'm pretty sure your mom will kick me if I do that. (getting a little worked-up) I don't like getting kicked.
JACKIE POPS HER BODY HALF-WAY THROUGH THE DOOR AND SMILES, EXCITEDLY, AT HYDE.
JACKIE:
Oh my God, you're never gonna believe who's here.
HYDE:
If it's the cops I hope you gave me an alibi.
JACKIE HOLDS THE KITCHEN DOOR ALL THE WAY OPEN TO REVEAL PAM IS STANDING BESIDE HER.
PAM:
(striking a pose) Surprise!
HYDE:
(looking not too thrilled) Huh. I almost wish it was the cops.
JACKIE CROSSES TOWARDS HYDE WITH PAM FOLLOWING HER.
JACKIE:
My mom came home from Mexico to see the babies.
HYDE:
(with a very sarcastic smile) Gee. That's so nice of her. Considering they were born six months ago.
PAM:
Well, I wanted to wait until it warmed up here. (with a fake laugh) The cold weather just sucks the tan right off of me. Now, where are Lila and Jackson?
HYDE:
I'm not real sure who the hell Lila and Jackson are, (he indicates the twins) but Layla and Jagger are the two real short people covered in rice cereal.
PAM STEPS AROUND JACKIE AND BENDS DOWN TO LOOK AT THE TWINS.
PAM:
(she gasps and puts her hand on her chest) Oh they are so beautiful. (with an uncomfortable laugh) Thank God. I was worried I was going to have to pretend they were cute. There's nothing worse than an ugly baby.
HYDE STARES AT PAM IN IRRITATION AND JACKIE STARTS CLEANING UP THE TWINS.
END SCENE
CUT TO THEME SONG
ACT 1
SCENE 3
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, LATER THAT MORNING. RED IS AT THE TABLE READING THE PAPER WITH ERIC AND DONNA SITTING NEXT TO HIM. KITTY IS AT THE COUNTER PUTTING AWAY SOME DISHES.
DONNA:
(angrily, to Eric) And then my dad just totally took her side, he didn't even care about my feelings.
ERIC:
(nods, in confusion) Uh-huh. And tell me again why Joanne can't sit with your dad? Is there some sort of step-mother of the bride etiquette I'm not aware of?
DONNA:
(curtly) I don't need another mom. I've already got a mom.
KITTY:
(to Donna with a smile) What's wrong with having more than one mom?
ERIC:
She's got a good point. Hyde's got two dads. (pauses, thinking before adding) Well, technically, I guess he's got two and a half if you wanna count Bud.
DONNA:
(annoyed) Eric, hello? Try to stay on the subject.
ERIC:
Donna, I don't get this. You loved Joanne when she was just your dad's girlfriend.
DONNA:
That was different.
ERIC:
Why?
DONNA:
(defensively) It just was, ok? (she points at Eric) And you're supposed to take my side, no matter what.
KITTY:
(with a nod) She's got you there, sweetie.
ERIC:
What? Dad, that's not true, right?
RED:
(not looking away from his paper) Nope. It's true. It's in the bible. Right next to: love, honor and obey.
DONNA:
(throws her hands up in exasperation) Just forget it.
DONNA STORMS OFF THROUGH THE SLIDING DOOR. RED FINALLY LOOKS UP FROM HIS PAPER AND TURNS TO KITTY.
RED:
(to Kitty) I don't remember agreeing to let Midge sit with us. Wedding ceremonies use a lot of big words, and I don't want to have to explain them all to her.
ERIC LOOKS LIKE HE HAS NO IDEA WHAT JUST HAPPENED AND KITTY JUST SHAKES HER HEAD, IGNORING RED'S COMMENT.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 4
EXT. FORMAN DRIVEWAY, THE NEXT DAY. KELSO AND FEZ ARE PLAYING BASKETBALL AND HYDE AND ERIC ARE LEANING AGAINST THE CRUISER, WHICH IS PARTIALLY PULLED INTO THE GARAGE.
ERIC:
(to Hyde) How's it goin' with the mother-in-law?
FEZ AND KELSO STOP THEIR GAME AND HEAD OVER TO LISTEN TO HYDE'S RESPONSE.
FEZ:
(with a perverted smile) Yes. Has she sunbathed nude in your backyard yet?
HYDE:
(starting to get pissed) That chick has some nerve, man. She doesn't come see Jackie in the hospital, she doesn't come to the twins' baptism, and now she drags her tequila soaked ass back up here and expects Jackie to be grateful? (incredulously) Man, I never thought I'd say this, but I don't care how hot she is, I don't like her.
KELSO:
(with a dopey grin) You don't have to like her, just look at her.
ERIC:
The mother-in-law. (he nods, slowly) A total drag, man. Oh, except mine. (he gets a very weird, far-away look on his face) Ah ... Midge. (realizing the other guys are staring at him, he quickly adds) Oh, and Joanne's pretty cool, too.
FEZ:
I think Miss Kitty is a wonderful mother-in-law. (with a big, creepy smile) I hope Laurie looks that good in twenty years, you know what I mean? (he elbows Eric in the side)
ERIC:
(horrified) Oh sweet Lord, I have to go wash my eyes out with soap.
HYDE GRABS THE BASKETBALL FROM KELSO AND STARTS DRIBBLING. WALKING TOWARDS THE NET.
HYDE:
Whatever, man, I'll be glad when Pam leaves. She's drinking all my booze.
FEZ:
(trying to be helpful) Hyde, you need to give Pam a chance. Maybe she wants to build a loving and lasting relationship with her daughter.
HYDE STOPS DRIBBLING AND TURNS TOWARDS FEZ.
HYDE:
(dripping with sarcasm) Yeah, and maybe, someday, I'll put on tights and dance with Baryshnikov in "The Nutcracker."
HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY IN FEZ'S FACE AND TURNS BACK TO THE BASKETBALL NET.
FEZ:
(rolling his eyes) Oh please, if anyone is going to dance with Baryshnikov, it's going to be me.
KELSO CROSSES TO HYDE.
KELSO:
(to Hyde) Back to the sunbathing in the nude thing. If she does that, will you call me?
KELSO LOOKS EXCITED AT THE THOUGHT AND HYDE JUST STARES AT HIM, LOOKING LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO PUNCH KELSO.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 5
INT. THE HYDE'S LIVING ROOM, THAT NIGHT. HYDE IS SITTING IN HIS RECLINER WITH JAGGER ON HIS LAP. HE IS IGNORING PAM AND FLIPPING THROUGH THE CHANNELS ON THE TV. JACKIE AND PAM ARE ON THE COUCH. PAM IS VERY AWKWARDLY HOLDING LAYLA. THERE IS A LARGE MARGARITA SITTING ON THE TABLE IN FRONT OF PAM. JACKIE SEEMS TO BE UNAWARE OF HYDE'S DISAPPROVAL OF HER MOTHER.
PAM:
(fussing over a bow in Layla's hair) Jackie, I hope you're using good conditioner on their hair. Otherwise they are just split ends waiting to happen.
HYDE:
(sarcastically) Yeah, that's what we're worried about, their 'fros. Forget about that stupid stuff like their health and happiness.
LAYLA IS GETTING FUSSY AND PAM IMMEDIATELY STARTS TO LOOK ANNOYED.
PAM:
(gives Jackie a phony smile) Uh-oh, this one's crying.
HYDE:
(he turns to look at Pam) They do that.
PAM:
I'm not very good with babies. I'm better when they get bigger and I can just buy them things instead of spending time with them. They are going to love me when they're teenagers.
JACKIE:
I'll take her. (sweetly, to Layla) Come see Mommy, Layla Beth.
JACKIE TAKES LAYLA FROM PAM AND STARTS RUBBING THE BABY'S BACK. LAYLA IMMEDIATELY SETTLES DOWN.
PAM:
(to Jackie)You know, sweetie, you could hire someone to take care of them.
JACKIE:
(shaking her head) I don't want to do that.
PAM:
Oh ... I forgot, (she turns to Hyde and smiles) you probably don't make enough money for that, do you, Steven.
HYDE:
(clenches his jaw and then goes Zen) Jackie, if you need me I'll be over at Forman's. Punching stuff.
HYDE, HOLDING JAGGER, GETS UP AND HEADS INTO THE KITCHEN. JACKIE WATCHES HIM GO AND THEN GIVES PAM A NERVOUS SMILE
JACKIE:
(quickly) So, Mom, how long are you staying?
PAM:
Well, it turns out, I might be back for good.
JACKIE:
(looks a little taken-aback) Wait, are you serious?
PAM:
(with a nod) Absolutely. I mean, Point Place is no Paris, but at least people speak English here. (she frowns) Well ... except for that one friend of yours.
JACKIE:
(nodding) Yeah, a lot of the time we just nod and pretend we understand what he's saying.
PAM:
You know, if I'm going to be staying in Point Place I'm going to need to repair the damage your father did to our social standing. (very melodramatically) Nobody wants to have a criminal's wife over for tea. (reaching forward to grab her drink, she smiles) I guess it's a good thing I drink margaritas.
JACKIE:
(gasps in excitement) Oh my God, I've got the best idea. This weekend is the LOPPs Summer Kick-Off Luau. We could go to it as a family.
PAM:
That's perfect. No one can resist me in a bikini.
JACKIE:
And you and I could sign-up to be on the decorating committee. That way we can spend some time together.
PAM:
I'd love to. Oh. (condescendingly) I'm probably not actually going to do any actual work.
JACKIE JUST SMILES AND SHRUGS WHILE PAM GOES BACK TO DRINKING HER MARGARITA.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 6
INT. FORMAN KITCHEN, THE SAME TIME. RED AND ERIC ARE SITTING DOWN AT THE TABLE. THERE IS FOOD EVERYWHERE AND KITTY IS SETTING OUT EVEN MORE. RED LOOKS A LITTLE CONFUSED.
RED:
(to Kitty) Why did you make so much food?
KITTY:
(guiltily) Because I love you so much?
RED:
(in an accusatory tone) Kitty ...
KITTY:
(with a sigh) Oh, fine. I invited the Pinciottis over for dinner.
RED AND ERIC BOTH STAND UP AND START TO LEAVE THE TABLE.
RED:
I'm not hungry.
ERIC:
Yeah, I'm gonna go eat at Hyde's.
KITTY:
(points at Red and Eric) Both of you, sit your bottoms back down! Now, Donna is having some problems adjusting to Bob and Joanne's marriage. What kind of friends would we be if we didn't help them?
RED:
The kind of friends who like to enjoy their dinner without a food fight breaking out.
BOB, JOANNE AND DONNA ENTER. DONNA STARES AT ERIC LIKE SHE WANTS TO HIT HIM. JOANNE IS HOLDING A DISH OF FOOD.
BOB:
(with a big smile) Evening, neighbors.
JOANNE:
(holding out her dish) We brought Jell-O.
ERIC:
(under his breath) I hope it has vodka in it.
BOB AND JOANNE STAND VERY AWKWARDLY, WAITING FOR DONNA TO SAY SOMETHING. DONNA CROSSES HER ARMS OVER HER CHEST IN DEFIANCE. EVERYONE WAITS IN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE UNTIL KITTY LAUGHS, NERVOUSLY.
KITTY:
Isn't this nice? Eating dinner as one big, happy family. (she pauses and smiles, sadly) One big, uncomfortably quiet, happy family.
BOB AND JOANNE SMILE WEAKLY AS KITTY TAKES JOANNE'S JELL-O.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 1
SCENE 6
INT. POINT PLACE COUNTRY CLUB, THE NEXT AFTERNOON. THE BALLROOM IS BEING TRANSFORMED INTO A POLYNESIAN LUAU. THERE ARE WOMEN WORKING EVERYWHERE. IN ONE CORNER OF THE ROOM JACKIE HAS A BLANKET SPREAD OUT AND THE TWINS ARE SITTING ON IT, PLAYING WITH SOME TOYS. JACKIE IS PUTTING OUT SOME DECORATIONS WHILE PAM SITS NEARBY, HAVING A COCKTAIL AND WATCHING JACKIE WORK. IN ANOTHER AREA OF THE ROOM, KITTY AND JOANNE ARE ALSO DECORATING. BROOKE AND LAURIE ENTER THE BALLROOM, AND AS SOON AS KITTY SEES THEM SHE RUNS OVER TO GREET THEM.
KITTY:
(clapping, excitedly) You came, you came! (she points to a clip board sitting on a table) Make sure you sign in. (with a smile) Volunteers get free drinks at the Luau. (she crosses to Laurie and starts fussing over her) Oh, Laurie, you're like a brand new daughter since you and Fez fell in love. It's like I traded in a Yugo and got a Cadillac.
LAURIE HEADS OVER TO SIG-IN WHILE JOANNE APPROACHES BROOKE.
JOANNE:
(hopefully) Is Donna coming?
BROOKE:
(smiles, apologetically) Um, she couldn't make it.
JOANNE:
(disappointed) Oh. (smiles, weakly) Well that's ok. I'm sure she has a lot going on right now.
JOANNE HEADS BACK TO HER DECORATING AND BROOKE JOINS LAURIE AT THE SIGN-IN TABLE. SHE STARES AT WHAT LAURIE HAS JUST WRITTEN.
BROOKE:
Laurie, is that your last name?
LAURIE:
(looking at the paper she has just signed she nods) Uh-huh. (with a spacey look) But I'm not sure I spelled it right.
CUT TO PAM AND JACKIE AND THE TWINS. JACKIE STOPS HER DECORATING AND BENDS DOWN TO PICK UP JAGGER, WHO HAS GOTTEN A LITTLE FUSSY.
PAM:
(looking around the room) Oh, it feels so good to be back in a country club again. You know there's just something about a place that only lets rich people in. It just feels right.
PATTY RYALS WALKS UP HOLDING A BOX OF DECORATIONS. SHE STOPS WHEN SHE NOTICES PAM AND JACKIE.
PATTY:
Pamela Burkhart, is that you?
PAM:
(smiling) Yes. It's me, and yes, I have gotten prettier.
PATTY CROSSES TO JACKIE AND JAGGER.
PATTY:
Hello, Jackie. Are these your darling babies? (she starts to pinch Jagger's cheek) They are just - (suddenly, she stops fussing over the baby to stare at Jackie's hand wrapped around Jagger) oh my God, look at that ring. It's even more beautiful than those babies. (she turns to Pam) Pam, you must be so proud of Jackie finding such a rich husband.
PAM:
(nodding) Of course I am. A daughter is a reflection of the mother. And Jackie and I have stunning reflections.
JACKIE:
(with a big smile and a nod) It's true.
PATTY:
Pamela, you picked the perfect time to come back. The LOPPS are looking for a new president and I might be able to put in a good word for you.
PAM:
(with a gasp) Oh that would be perfect for me.
PATTY:
(with a bitchy smile) Maggie Parker wants the job. (she leans in to Pam and speaks, quietly) But, I think we both know that's not going to happen.
PAM NODS IN UNDERSTANDING AND JACKIE LOOKS A LITTLE CONFUSED
PATTY:(cont'd)
Well, I have to run. Lovely to see you both.
PATTY HEADS OFF AND PAM STANDS UP AND HEADS OVER TO JACKIE.
PAM:
President of the LOPPs would be perfect for me. I mean, everyone already stares at me anyway. I might as well be talking while they do it.
JACKIE:
I don't know, Mom, Maggie Parker might be hard to beat. She's really nice. (with a shrug) Some people seem to like that.
PAM:
(snidely) Jackie, she could be the nicest person in the world, she's still not going to be the president of the LOPPs.
JACKIE:
Why not?
PAM:
(with a strained smile) Sweetheart, (she looks around to make sure no one is listening and then whispers to Jackie) she's black.
JACKIE LOOKS MOMENTARILY STUNNED BY PAM'S STATEMENT AND PAM GIVES JACKIE A VERY PATRONIZING SMILE
PAM:(cont'd)
Which reminds me, maybe you should just keep Steven's little family issues quiet.
JACKIE:
(shaking her head in confusion) What family issues?
PAM:
(quietly, with a nervous laugh) You know ... his dad.
JACKIE:
(still not getting it) What about his dad? He's an extremely rich, successful businessman, why would you want me to keep that quiet?
PAM:
No, no. That's fine. It's just ... well, people don't need to know that Steven's - (she smiles) you know.
REALIZATION FINALLY SETS IN AND JACKIE LOOKS TOTALLY CRUSHED.
JACKIE:
(quietly) That Steven's black.
PAM:
Exactly. (she pats Jackie on the hand) Oh I knew you'd understand. (dismissvely) Of course it doesn't bother me, but some people can be so silly.
JACKIE:
(flatly) Sure. Some people.
JACKIE SLOWLY SINKS DOWN ON THE BLANKET NEXT TO LAYLA. SHE SITS IN STUNNED SILENCE WHEN FEZ ENTERS, CARRYING A TROPICAL LOOKING COCKTAIL. HE CROSSES TO PAM AND HANDS IT TO HER.
FEZ:
(with a grin) Here's another daiquiri for you, Pam.
PAM:
(smiles at Fez) Aren't you sweet. I don't even care that I can't understand a word you're saying.
JACKIE SITS MOTIONLESS WITH THE BABIES AND FEZ SMILES AT PAM WHO GOES TO WORK ON HER DRINK.
END SCENE
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
ACT 2
SCENE 1
INT. POINT PLACE COUNTRY CLUB, TWO DAYS LATER, NIGHTTIME. THE ROOM HAS BEEN COMPLETELY TRANSFORMED INTO A TROPICAL PARADISE. "BLUE HAWAII" BY ELVIS PRESLEY IS PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND. EVERYONE IS WEARING LUAU STYLE CLOTHING. A FEW PEOPLE ARE OUT ON THE DANCE FLOOR. THERE IS A LARGE BUFFET TABLE SET UP. BROOKE AND LAURIE ARE STANDING BEHIND A BAR SERVING PEOPLE DRINKS. KELSO AND FEZ ARE LOITERING NEARBY. ERIC AND DONNA ARE SITTING AT A TABLE IN THE BACKGROUND. KITTY AND JOANNE ARE STANDING AT THE ENTRANCE TO THE BALLROOM HANDING OUT FLOWER LEIS. RED AND BOB ARE SITTING NEARBY HAVING A BEER. PATTY RYALS AND TWO OTHER WOMEN ARE GATHERED IN A GROUP, HAVING A DRINK AND TALKING. PAM WALKS IN WEARING ONLY A BIKINI TOP AND SARONG. HYDE AND JACKIE FOLLOW BEHIND HER AND WHILE JACKIE IS WEARING A TROPICAL LOOKING DRESS HYDE IS DRESSED IN HIS USUAL TEE SHIRT AND JEANS. JACKIE LOOKS A MILLION MILES AWAY AND SHE IS CLINGING TO HYDE'S ARM. THE TRIO IS STOPPED BY KITTY.
KITTY:
(staring at Pam) Hello there, Pam, so nice of you to ... (trying to think of something nice to say) not wear a top.
PAM:
(with a smile) I thought so, too.
PAM TAKES HER LEI FROM KITTY AND HEADS TOWARDS PATTY AND THE OTHER WOMEN.
KITTY:
(with a frown) Steven, your outfit isn't very tropical.
HYDE:
You've gotta read the back of the shirt. (he turns around and Kitty leans in to look at his concert tee) See? They played in Honolulu.
CUT TO PAM AND PATTY AND THE OTHER WOMEN. THEY ALL HAVE THE SAME BITCHY LOOK PLASTERED ACROSS THEIR FACES.
PAM:
(looking around the room) The club looks beautiful.
PATTY:
(nodding in agreement) Yes. Thank god for foreigners.
PAM:
They do such a nice job cleaning, don't they?
CUT BACK TO HYDE AND JACKIE AS THEY HEAD INTO THE BALLROOM. HYDE NOTICES THE LOST LOOK ON JACKIE'S FACE AND HE TUCKS A STRAND OF HAIR BEHIND HER EAR AND GIVES HER A SMIRK.
HYDE:
(to Jackie) Hey, what's wrong with you? Too many tacky shirts?
JACKIE:
(she shakes her head and tries to look happy) Nothing. It's just ... thank you for coming to this, Steven.
HYDE:
(with a wicked grin) I expect to be repaid sexually.
HE WAITS FOR A REACTION FROM JACKIE AND WHEN HE GETS NONE HE GIVES JACKIE HIS BEST SEXY SMILE.
HYDE:(cont'd)
Oh come on, that was good.
JACKIE:
(smiles weakly) I'm just gonna go call the sitter.
JACKIE HEADS AWAY FROM HYDE.
HYDE:
(calling after her) Jackie ...
HYDE WATCHES HER GO. HE LOOKS TOTALLY CONFUSED.
CUT TO LAURIE, FEZ, BROOKE AND KELSO AT THE BAR. LAURIE AND BROOKE ARE BOTH WEARING TROPICAL DRESSES AND SIPPING ON A DRINK. THEIR LINE OF CUSTOMERS IS GONE LEAVING BEHIND ONLY KELSO AND FEZ IN HAWAIIAN SHIRTS AND SHORTS.
LAURIE:
(with a smile as she looks around the room) Look at all the flowers and palm trees. It looks so romantic in here.
FEZ:
(to Laurie) If you think palm trees are romantic then I am definitely bringing you to my country. You will lose your freaking mind.
KELSO:
(with a laugh) I think we should take a field trip to Fez's country. I wanna catch myself a monkey.
BROOKE:
(grins at Kelso) Michael, I don't think you can actually catch a monkey.
FEZ:
(nodding in agreement) She is right, my friend, those little suckers are fast.
CUT TO ERIC AND DONNA AT THEIR TABLE. THEY'RE ALSO IN TROPICAL WEAR AND HAVING A DRINK. THEY ARE SITTING IN COMPLETE SILENCE AND DONNA IS POUTING. ERIC LOOKS EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE.
ERIC:
(nervously, to Donna) So, a pig roast, huh? That's an option to explore for the wedding. Only, instead of sticking an apple in the pig's mouth we could put a beer. That would be high-larious.
DONNA:
(very bratty) Eric, enough with the stupid jokes.
ERIC:
(starts to yell, his voice cracking) Then you are gonna have to talk because, lady, I am not comfortable sitting in complete silence.
DONNA ROLLS HER EYES AT POOR ERIC.
CUT TO RED AT HIS TABLE, BOB IS GONE AND KITTY HAS NOW JOINED HIM. RED IS WEARING HIS EVERYDAY CLOTHES.
KITTY:
Red, you could've at least worn a Hawaiian shirt.
RED:
(scowling) I don't like Hawaii. It reminds me of Pearl Harbor. That was one hell of a bad day, Kitty.
KITTY:
(points excitedly towards the bar) Would you look at that?
RED:
(exasperated) Oh for the love of God. I swear, I wasn't looking at Pam in her bikini.
KITTY:
(with a dismissive wave) Oh please, I could care less about that too-tall floozy. (she points again towards the bar)
RED TURNS SO HE CAN SEE WHAT KITTY IS POINTING AT. IT'S LAURIE AND BROOKE MAKING DRINKS AND SERVING PEOPLE.
KITTY:(cont'd)
(smiling) Look at Laurie. She's a LOPP. I am so proud of her. I don't even care that she's drinking one pina colada for every one she serves.
RED:
(nods, a smile slowly spreading across his face) Yeah, our little girl's all grown up. (he pauses and the smile falls) And married to Fez.
KITTY JUST LAUGHS AND LEANS IN TO GIVE RED A KISS.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 1
INT. POINT PLACE COUNTRY CLUB, A HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE BALLROOM, IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING. "COME MONDAY" BY JIMMY BUFFETT CAN BE HEARD COMING FROM INSIDE THE BALLROOM. JACKIE IS WALKING AWAY FROM A PAY PHONE WHEN HYDE WALKS UP TO HER. SHE STILL LOOKS LOST AND DEPRESSED.
HYDE:
The babies ok?
JACKIE:
(with a nod) Yeah, Katie said they just fell asleep.
HYDE:
(looking around) Where's your mom?
JACKIE:
(suddenly angry) Why? Are you hoping her bikini top has popped off? Seeing her topless once wasn't enough?
HYDE:
(nervously) I think I hear Forman calling me.
HYDE STARTS TO LEAVE AND JACKIE GRABS HIS HAND, STOPPING HIM.
JACKIE:
(quickly) Steven, wait, don't go. I'm sorry. (she pauses and looks unsure of what to say) It's just ... (sadly) Steven, my mother doesn't want people to know you're black.
HYDE:
(a little confused) Ok. So, what do you want me to do? Wear a hat?
JACKIE:
(shaking her head, insistently) I don't want you to do anything. I don't care what color you are. I love you. (she starts to cry) Oh God, I wish she'd never come back.
SHE RUSHES TOWARDS HYDE AND THROWS HERSELF IN HIS ARMS. HYDE JUST RUBS HER BACK HIS EXPRESSION STARTING TO GET VERY ANGRY AS HE STARES INTO THE OPEN BALLROOM DOORS LIKE HE'S LOOKING FOR PAM.
JACKIE:(cont'd)
(in between sobs) Why does this keep happening to me? Every time she comes home I think maybe she's changed. But she hasn't.
HYDE:
Jackie ... (he lets out a deep sigh and shakes his head) she's never gonna.
JACKIE:
I know. I just ... (she lifts her head and looks up at Hyde) I really wanted her to love the babies, Steven.
HYDE:
(looking a little unsure of what to say) Hey, um, if it helps, I'm sorry I saw your mom topless. (a beat) Wow. That's a really weird sentence to say.
JACKIE CHUCKLES, QUIETLY, AND HYDE PULLS HER HEAD BACK DOWN ONTO HIS CHEST.
JACKIE:
So, what do we do now?
HYDE:
Normally, in this situation, I'd kick some major ass, but your mom's a chick, so that option's kinda out. (he pauses, grinning, and looks down at Jackie) You wanna dance?
JACKIE:
(she lifts her head to look at Hyde and smiles) Yeah. Yeah I do.
HYDE WRAPS HIS ARMS EVEN TIGHTER AROUND JACKIE AND PULLS HER EXTREMELY CLOSE. THEY DANCE, SLOWLY, FOR A FEW MOMENTS BEFORE KITTY WANDERS OUT INTO THE HALLWAY. SHE SMILES, NERVOUSLY, WHEN SHE SEES JACKIE AND HYDE'S VERY CLOSE PROXIMITY. SHE CROSSES TO THEM AND PULLS JACKIE JUST A FEW INCHES AWAY FROM HYDE.
KITTY:
(scolding) Alright you two, this isn't your senior prom. Let's try to leave room for the Lord.
KITTY HEADS OFF AND HYDE AND JACKIE GO RIGHT BACK TO THEIR PREVIOUS EMBRACE.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 3
INT. POINT PLACE COUNTRY CLUB, A FEW HOURS LATER. BROOKE AND LAURIE ARE STILL WORKING AS BARTENDERS. THERE ARE MORE PEOPLE ON THE DANCE FLOOR NOW, INCLUDING RED AND KITTY AND BOB AND JOANNE. BROOKE AND LAURIE WATCH THE PARTY GOING ON AROUND THEM. THEY BOTH LOOK A LITTLE BUZZED UP.
LAURIE:
(with a big, ditzy smile) I love being a LOPP. We have great parties.
BROOKE:
(polishing off a drink with a noisy slurp from the straw) Oh my God (she gives Laurie a huge smile) you make the best frozen thingys.
LAURIE:
(nodding) I know. I'm a whiz with a blender.
BROOKE:
(getting a wicked look on her face) Where's Michael? I'm feeling a little crazy.
BROOKE STEPS OUT FROM BEHIND THE BAR AND HEADS OFF TO FIND KELSO. LAURIE WATCHES HER GO AND SMILES.
LAURIE:
Oh Kelso owes me big time for this.
CUT TO ERIC, DONNA, HYDE AND JACKIE GATHERED AROUND A TABLE. HYDE HAS JACKIE ON HIS LAP, HIS ARMS WRAPPED AROUND HER. ERIC LOOKS BORED AND A LITTLE ANNOYED AND DONNA IS GLARING AT BOB AND JOANNE ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
DONNA:
They didn't even tell me they were getting married. I mean, don't I get an opinion?
ERIC:
(with a sigh) Do you really want an opinion in your dad's love life? Why don't you start by giving him your opinion on his clothes. Or his hair.
DONNA:
(rolling her eyes at Eric) I just think they should've told me they were going to get married.
JACKIE LIFTS HER HEAD OFF OF HYDE'S CHEST AND TURNS TO FACE DONNA.
JACKIE:
(pissed) Donna, you are acting like a big red brat.
DONNA:
(rolling her eyes at Jackie) Yeah ,whatever, and you're a midget. Jackie, you're missing the point -
JACKIE:
(interrupting) No, you're missing the point. Joanne loves your dad and she makes him happy, and she wants to be a mom to you. Do you know how amazing that is? (getting really worked-up) My mom is a horrible, awful person who doesn't love me or my babies.
DONNA:
(with a slight chuckle) You're right. I guess I should at least be glad he didn't marry your mom.
HYDE:
(with a clenched jaw, he stares at Donna) Donna, you might wanna back off.
JACKIE GETS OUT OF HYDE'S LAP AND TURNS TO FACE DONNA.
JACKIE:
(yelling) You think your dad is such a terrible parent? You wanna know what a terrible parent does? They tell you not to tell people your husband is black.
DONNA:
(suddenly, very embarrassed) Jackie -
JACKIE:
(interrupts) That's right. So I'm sorry if I don't feel bad for you that you have not one, but two moms that love you and you're too busy feeling sorry for yourself to realize it.
JACKIE RUNS OFF. HYDE STANDS UP TO FOLLOW HER.
DONNA:
(stammering) Hyde, I ... I didn't know.
HYDE:
(flatly, to Donna) Yeah, well. Now you do.
HYDE FOLLOWS JACKIE OFF. ERIC AND DONNA SIT IN SILENCE, TOTALLY STUNNED.
DONNA:
Wow. I feel like a complete ass.
ERIC:
(trying to help) Don't worry, it happens to me all the time. It'll pass.
DONNA:
God, Jackie's mom is a total bitch.
ERIC:
(nodding in agreement) A-roonie-doonie.
DONNA:
(guiltily) I guess I'm kind of a bitch right now, too, huh?
ERIC:
(quickly) I've got no comment on that one. (he pauses and turns to Donna, suddenly very sincere) Donna, what I don't get is, you were fine with Joanne when she was just living with your dad, what changed?
DONNA:
(she pauses and looks really sad) I feel like I'm betraying my mom.
ERIC:
(giving her a small smile, he takes Donna's hand) Donna, you're not betraying your mom by accepting Joanne. Your mom loves you, I'm sure she'd want you to have someone like Joanne in your life.
DONNA:
(with a small smile) Eric, you're a pretty great guy. Did you know that?
ERIC:
(with a nod) Yes. Yes I did. (a smile slowly creeps across his face) Oh my God, you're the dumbass and I'm the good one. (he points to himself) Me. The good one. What an incredible feeling.
DONNA:
(teasing) Try to remember it, 'cause it doesn't happen often.
ERIC:
You don't have to tell me.
DONNA LAUGHS AND LEANS IN TO GIVE ERIC A KISS.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 4
INT. POINT PLACE COUNTRY CLUB, A SHORT WHILE LATER. "TINY BUBBLES" BY DON HO PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. BOB AND JOANNE ARE SITTING AT A TABLE EATING WHEN DONNA APPROACHES THEM.
DONNA:
(a little hesitantly) How come you guys aren't dancing? Come, on ... "Tiny Bubbles"? Dad, you love this song. You've gotta get out there and do your hula moves.
BOB:
(sadly) I don't feel much like hulaing right now.
DONNA SITS DOWN NEXT TO BOB.
DONNA:
(with a sigh) Ok, look, it's been pointed out to me that I've been acting like an ass.
BOB:
Pointed out by who?
DONNA:
Eric and Jackie. (Bob and Joanne look surprised and Donna nods in agreement) I know. The irony. Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry, and ... (sincerely) I'm really happy for you guys.
BOB:
You mean it?
DONNA:
(nods and smiles) Yeah, you two are perfect together. (to Joanne) And I couldn't ask for a better step-mom.
JOANNE:
(sweetly) Thank you, Donna. That means the world to me.
BOB:
(with a sniffle) Aw geez.
JOANNE:
(grinning at Bob) Here he goes. (she pats Bob on the hand) It's a good thing I like sensitive men.
DONNA:
(indicating towards the dance floor) So get out there and practice for the wedding. The bride's parents get to have a dance, you know.
BOB:
(shaking his head) Oh, cupcake, I'm not dancing with your mom. She always yells mean things at me when I step on her feet.
DONNA:
(with a chuckle at Bob) No, Dad, I meant you and Joanne.
BOB:
(starting to tear up again) Aw geez ...
JOANNE JUST STANDS UP AND PULLS BOB WITH HER.
JOANNE:
Come on, Bob, the tears can wait. Let's work on our moves. We've gotta be better than Red and Kitty.
BOB AND JOANNE HEAD OUT ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR AS DONNA WATCHES THEM GO WITH A SMILE.
CUT TO FEZ, LAURIE, KITTY AND RED. THEY ARE GATHERED AROUND A GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT ARE LIMBOING. RED IS STARING, DEFIANTLY, AT FEZ.
RED:
(to Fez) I told you, Ali Baba, I'm not doing the Limbo.
FEZ:
Come on, Red, loosen up. The ladies like a man who can limbo. It demonstrates flexibility.
KITTY:
(excitedly) I'll try it. It looks fun.
RED:
No, Kitty. Fun is the Packers beating the Vikings. (he points to the Limbo bar) This is just stupid.
KITTY HEADS OVER TO LINE UP WITH FEZ FOLLOWING HER AND GIVING OUT POINTERS.
FEZ:
Now, Miss Kitty, you need to lay back and bend your knees and just walk.
KITTY STARTS OUT UNDER THE BAR LOOKING REALLY UNSURE OF WHAT SHE'S DOING.
KITTY:
(nervously) Oh dear, I feel like I might tip over.
RED:
Kitty, are you sure you should be bending like that? You're not a pretzel, you know.
LAURIE:
(calling out to Kitty) Come on, Mom, you can do it!
KITTY A LITTLE AWKWARDLY, MAKES IT UNDER THE BAR. SHE STANDS UP LOOKING VERY PROUD OF HERSELF. FEZ AND LAURIE RUN OVER TO CONGRATULATE HER.
KITTY:
(excitedly) I did it! I did the Limbo.
LAURIE:
(clapping) Yay, Mommy!
LAURIE GRABS KITTY AND HUGS HER WHILE THEY BOTH JUMP UP AND DOWN.
FEZ:
(nodding as he grins at Kitty) Oh yes, you are quite the mother-in-law.
RED GLARES AT FEZ WHO GIVES HIM A NERVOUS SMILE. KELSO AND BROOKE WALK TOWARDS LAURIE. THEY ARE BOTH VERY DISHEVELED LOOKING AND KELSO HAS HIS ARM SLUNG OVER BROOKE'S SHOULDERS.
KELSO:
(with a huge smile he gives Laurie a thumbs-up) Hey, Laurie, great daiquiris!
LAURIE GIVES KELSO A SMILE AND BROOKE LOOKS A LITTLE EMBARRASSED.
END SCENE
CUT TO BUMPER
ACT 2
SCENE 5
INT. POINT PLACE COUNTRY CLUB, A SHORT WHILE LATER. POLYNESIAN MUSIC PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND. JACKIE AND HYDE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR, ERIC AND DONNA ARE NEXT TO THEM. BROOKE AND KELSO AND FEZ AND LAURIE ARE ALSO NEARBY. ALL THE COUPLES ARE DANCING. PAM WALKS OUT ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR AND HEADS STRAIGHT TOWARDS JACKIE.
PAM:
Jackie, I have been looking for you everywhere.
JACKIE AND HYDE STOP DANCING AND STARE AT PAM. HYDE LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO LOSE IT. ERIC AND DONNA ALSO STOP DANCING AND GLARE AT PAM.
PAM:
(excitedly, to Jackie) Did you hear? I won! You are looking at the new president of the LOPPs. (with a conceited laugh) Of course, I knew I would win. Just like I won Miss Wisconsin.
JACKIE:
(flatly) I thought you won Miss Wisconsin because you slept with all the judges.
PAM:
(with a wave of her hand) That was only part of the reason.
JACKIE:
(shaking her head) I can't do this anymore, Mom. I'm going home.
HYDE GLARES AT PAM WHILE JACKIE LETS GO OF HIM AND STARTS TO HEAD OFF. PAM CALLS AFTER HER.
PAM:
Jackie, you can't leave, yet. I haven't given my speech.
JACKIE STOPS IN HER TRACKS AND TURNS BACK TO FACE PAM.
JACKIE:
(with a look of deadly determination) You want a speech? (loudly) I would love to give a speech. And I've got this fabulous voice that carries. I won't even need a microphone.
KELSO, BROOKE, FEZ AND LAURIE HAVE MADE THEIR WAY OVER TO FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THEIR FRIENDS. PEOPLE HAVE STARTED TO STARE AT JACKIE. PAM GLANCES AROUND, NOTICING THE CROWD GATHERING SHE STARTS GIVING PEOPLE A NERVOUS SMILE. SHE CROSSES TO JACKIE AND TRIES TO GRAB HER ARM, WHICH JACKIE YANKS AWAY.
PAM:
(thorough clenched teeth and a phony smile) Jackie, you're making a scene.
HYDE HEADS OVER TO JACKIE AND STEPS BETWEEN HER AND PAM.
HYDE:
(with a smirk) Oh this is nowhere near a scene. You'll know when she makes a scene. Stuff usually get thrown.
RED, KITTY, BOB AND JOANNE HAVE NOW GATHERED AROUND THE GROUP.
RED:
(coming up behind Jackie and Hyde) Is there a problem here, Steven?
HYDE;
(he gives Pam a sarcastic smile) It seems Pam's got a little issue with my skin.
KELSO:
(whispers to Brooke) I don't get it? She doesn't like Hyde's beard?
BROOKE AND LAURIE SHUSH KELSO.
JACKIE:
(getting louder and more worked up) You know what's amazing, Mom, if it weren't for Steven I probably would've ended up just like you - a drunken tramp jumping from one rich man to the next. I mean, that's what you always wanted for me, isn't it? A daughter is a reflection of the mother? That is what you said, right?
PAM:
(frowning her disapproval at Jackie) Jackie, what's happened to you? You were perfect until you started hanging out with these degenerates. (she points towards the gang)
DONNA APPEARS OVER JACKIE'S SHOULDER. SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE'S READY FOR A FIGHT.
DONNA:
(begging Jackie) Jackie, let me hit her. Just once.
JACKIE IGNORES DONNA AND KEEPS GOING, WALKING SLOWLY AND DETERMINEDLY TOWARDS PAM.
JACKIE:
All I ever wanted was for us to be a family. You know, I feel sorry for you, Mom. Because you're missing out on me. And I am amazing.
HYDE:
(grinning, proudly at Jackie) She's perfect.
HYDE LOOKS A LITTLE SURPRISED AT WHAT HE HS SAID AND JACKIE TURNS TO QUICKLY SHOOT HIM A SMILE.
JACKIE:
Thank you, baby. (the smile is gone and she turns back to Pam) But I don't need you anymore, Mom. I already found my perfect family.
PAM:
Jackie, I'm your family.
JACKIE:
No you're not. (she turns around and points to the gang gathered behind her) They are. (she turns back to Pam and looks her up and down) You're just the person who gave birth to me. And I bet you would've hired someone to do that if you could've. (she pauses and then gives Pam a cold smile) Bye, Mom. Enjoy your life.
JACKIE TURNS AND HEADS OFF TAKING DONNA'S HAND AND PULLING HER ALONG AS SHE GOES. PAM LOOKS TOTALLY SHOCKED AND THE REST OF THE GANG STARES AT HER. THE OTHER PARTYGOERS WHO HAVE BEEN WATCHING GO BACK TO THEIR DANCING. HYDE GETS AN EVIL GRIN ON HIS FACE AND STEPS FORWARD TO SQUARE OFF WITH PAM.
HYDE:
(mocking Pam) Oh, hey, Pam. In case you're wondering how to describe what just happened here. We "degenerates" like to call it, "a burn."
HYDE WINKS AT A FURIOUS LOOKING PAM AND THEN HE TURNS AND HEADS OFF AFTER JACKIE AND DONNA. FEZ STEPS OUT OF THE CROWD AND FROWNS AT PAM.
FEZ:
Hyde is right, you are not so hot. Miss Kitty can take you any day of the week and twice on Tuesday!
KITTY:
(starts frantically pointing at Pam) You bet your a-s-s I can! And, I can limbo.
RED GRINS, PROUDLY, AT KITTY AND PAM STOMPS OFF LEAVING THE GANG BEHIND TO SMILE AS THEY WATCH HER GO.
END SCENE
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
CREDITS
EXT. FORMAN PORCH, LATER THAT NIGHT. JACKIE AND HYDE ARE SITTING ON THE CHAIRS QUIETLY RELAXING WITH A BEER. HYDE IS HOLDING JAGGER AND JACKIE IS HOLDING LAYLA. BOTH OF THE BABIES ARE ASLEEP AND COVERED IN A BLANKET.
HYDE:
(grinning at Jackie) I was really proud of you tonight.
JACKIE:
(with a big smile) Yeah?
HYDE:
(nodding) Yeah, you were badass.
JACKIE:
So, (she smiles at Hyde) here's to being orphans.
JACKIE HOLDS UP HER BEER.
HYDE
To being orphans.
HYDE HOLDS HIS BEER UP AND THEY CLINK BOTTLES, THEN HYDE PUTS HIS ARM AROUND JACKIE.
JACKIE:
(grinning as she looks at Hyde) Who needs Pam and Bud and Edna when we have the Formans.
HYDE:
(with a nod) Yep.
JACKIE AND HYDE KISS JUST AS THE SLIDING DOOR OPENS AND RED STICKS HIS HEAD OUT TO SCOWL AT JACKIE AND HYDE.
RED:
I know you two have your own house so get your asses over there.
RED EXITS BACK INTO THE HOUSE. JACKIE AND HYDE WATCH HIM GO WITH A LAUGH.
HYDE:
(with a grin) Red's the best.
JACKIE SMILES AND NODS IN AGREEMENT, THEN SHE LAYS HER HEAD ON HYDE'S SHOULDER AND HE GIVES HER A KISS ON THE TOP OF THE HEAD.
END SCENE
END EPISODE
UP NEXT ...
"Lovin' You"
Kitty decides that everyone will accompany Donna and Eric on their couples retreat which, of course, leads to big trouble, and lots of fun ...