THE NIGHTINGALE JOURNALS
A/N: I decided that this needed to be another chapter rather than an outtake, so you can consider it a bonus.
Things I own: A Happy Uterus sticker and a Happy Mammary Gland pin from the website iheartguts (dot) com. My dear friend Einfach_Mich got them for me at Comic Con, and they make me giggle every time I see them.
Things I don't own: Anything Twilight. It all belongs to Stephenie Meyer.
Thanks to my beta, Trinity/TFX, who is still my girl after all this time. Thanks to my grammarbeta, Lupin4Tonks, who never fails to tell me when I'm wrong, and to Ladyeire72, for her support. I love you all. Trufax.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN: THIS WOMAN'S WORK
As I close the cover of The Nightingale Journals, I stop to sniff it—I just love the smell of a new book. I also love the crackle that the binding makes the first time you open and close it. As much as I appreciate all things electronic, there's something special about the weight of a book in your hands. I run my finger over the cover, marveling that my name is printed there. I get a giddy feeling of joy rising in my stomach, one that I've had intermittently for weeks.
This book is mine. I did it. Me.
Well, to be honest, it's not all my doing. Without my father-in-law's connections, publishing a book would have been an insurmountable hurdle. Lord Carlisle Cullen, M.D., however, knows everyone, and for some reason he believes in what I have to say. Thanks to him, we cut out all the headaches of finding an agent and a publisher, and shaved off about two years from the publishing process. I should be kissing his feet for all that he did for me. He insisted upon doing what he could, and I will forever be grateful to him.
"Bells, you ready for this?"
My father's voice brings me out of my head and back into the real world. As excited as I am about my book being published, I'm not at all thrilled about the parties and events that I have to attend to publicize the book release. I know I shouldn't grumble, but it takes so much out of me, having to be on and smiling the entire time. I feel pretty run down these days as a result. Thank god I usually have Edward by my side, or I'd never have the fortitude to go through with it. Unfortunately, he's working in the PICU tonight, so I have to handle this one on my own.
"Daddy? Why are you here? Where's Sue?"
Sue is Sue Clearwater, my agent. She's a close personal friend of Carlisle and Esme and I'd be lost without her. Sue is responsible for shuffling me from event to event, making sure I know exactly what is expected.
"She's talking to someone about a news segment for tomorrow, so she asked me to find you."
"You were with Sue?"
My dad suddenly looks like a deer caught in the headlights, and my father never looks like a deer caught in the headlights. In fact, he's made a career out of making people feel that way. I'm instantly suspicious.
"Um, yes… I was, uh, standing. Ah, by her."
"O-kay…"
He clears his throat and motions with his head that we should leave.
What is that man up to?
I follow my dad to the table that has been set aside for the book signing and take a seat. As I look at the line, I can't believe these people are all here for me.
The first person in line sets her book in front of me and introduces herself. "I had a child who spent the first six months of his life in the PICU, and it was nurses like you who kept him alive time and time again. I'll be forever in debt to you wonderful people."
I smile at her, touched so much by her kind words. It's incredible to hear her gratitude; while we get so much out of what we do, to be acknowledged for that is touching.
"Thank you so much. I'm so glad to be able to help children like your son. It's a real privilege."
The next person in line steps to the table, and I glance over to my dad. He has a glass of Scotch in his hand and I instantly realize that I'll have a very chatty man sitting next to me on the drive home tonight. Come to think of it, he looks awfully… intense as he talks to Sue.
Yes. Suspicious.
I listen to the next person's kind words about my book, and sign my name. It's so interesting to hear everyone's story about how they came upon my book, or why it's meaningful to them. I'm always so full of pride when they share their stories with me.
While I'm listening to yet another reader's reactions to my words, I feel that familiar flutter in my stomach, the one I've attributed to excitement about my book. This time, however, it's quickly buried under a strong wave of nausea that washes over me. I can't get to the bathroom soon enough.
What the hell?
This can't be nerves. I've never hurled from nerves. I'm just signing books, for pete's sake.
You're pregnant.
I'm a nurse, and I know these things. I'm pregnant, that's all there is to it. Given the frequency with which I have sex with my husband, it's no surprise that I find myself in this condition. We stopped using birth control a few months ago; it's only natural that I'd get pregnant at some point. That was the plan, after all.
The last thing I think to myself before I'm praying to the porcelain god is that Edward is going to be thrilled. I then proceed to puke my guts out.
Sue rushes to my side, alarmed. "Bella, are you going to be all right? Can I do something for you?"
"I've just gone too long without eating. Can you grab some peanut butter crackers out of my purse? That should help to settle my stomach."
I hear Sue rifling around in my bag. "Do you want some Sprite or something?"
"That would be perfect. Thanks," I manage to squawk out before I throw up again.
~xXx~
When I'm finally recovered enough that I can stand up, I fumble for my phone.
Sick as a dog, puking my guts out.
Jesus, you're kidding. Food poisoning? You ok, bb?
Not unless it's the kind of food poisoning that lasts about 9 mos.
NO. WAY.
Pls pick up test kit on your way home.
Of course! I fucking love you.
Say that to me again after I hurl on you.
Oh, I will. Trust. You're amazing. ILY.
ILY2. See you soon.
~xXx~
EPOV
I stop at the drugstore on my way home. As I peruse the store's shelves, I can't decide which kit to select. I'm sure they're all basically the same, but I'm choosing this for Bella, and I want to make the best choice possible. It would be a much easier task if I wasn't dog tired. My hand is shaky as I grab each kit and read its selling points. My sleepy brain is trying to calculate when we would have conceived, and I'm reminded of our delayed honeymoon a few months ago.
We'd been married for a year before we could get enough time off to take a real honeymoon, because we got hitched during our last vacation. We decided to go to Hawaii for our first anniversary. Naturally, we celebrated. Copiously. Copulating. Constantly.
It seemed like such a good idea at the time. It was such an easy thing to say.
What do you say we make some vampire babies to huff?
I think I'd like a Hawaiian vampire baby, Edward.
Now, she's probably pregnant, and I'm scared to death. My irrational fears for her safety float to the forefront of my mind.
Don't get me wrong; some of the best times I've ever had with Bella involve the moves required to make a baby. I cherish every fucking second of… fucking my wife. I just have this intense need to see to her wellbeing twenty-four seven. I'm sure that I'll drive her nuts during the entire pregnancy as a result of my obsession.
I finally decide upon a test kit and rush home to my girl. I find her hunched over the toilet. Charlie and Bella's agent are nearby, and both of them have worried looks upon their faces.
Bella makes quick work of reading the instructions then unceremoniously pees on the stick. While I time it for her, she puts it behind her back. When the time is up, we both look at the results together.
Two lines.
The wave of elation that runs through my body is overwhelming, and we look at each other with ridiculously giddy smiles on our faces.
I grab her and give her a very passionate kiss. This woman is everything to me, and now she's going to be the mother of my child. Fuck, life doesn't get any better than that.
"Oh, I hope our baby gets your crimples, Edward."
"I hope our baby looks just like you."
I cuddle her in my arms until she bolts and runs for the toilet. I sit behind her, holding her hair out of the way, and rubbing her back.
"Do you want me to get you some zofran, love? To ease your nausea?"
"No, I'm fine. I'm going to do everything possible to avoid taking any meds during my pregnancy."
"Your dad and Sue are still here. Do you want to break the news?"
She smiles beautifully. "Yeah, let's do it."
As we enter the next room, we walk in on Charlie and Sue sharing a very intimate moment. In other words, they're making out like a couple of horny teenagers.
"Daddy! What are you doing to Sue?" Bella shrieks.
Charlie and Sue jump away from each other like two kids being caught in the act by their parents. They both sport mortified looks on their faces; I notice that Charlie's is beet red.
"Um, we, Sue and I, er…" he stammers.
Sue takes over for the temporarily speechless Charlie. "Bella, I'm sorry you had to find out like this, but Charlie and I are seeing each other. We weren't trying to sneak around, we just didn't want to distract you from the book publicity."
"You and my dad? Really?"
"It's not surprising, Bells. I mean, Sue is a beautiful woman."
"Just don't, Dad. I can't… no. Weird. You and Sue?"
It's obviously going to take Bella longer to accept this than it is for me. I walk over and shake Charlie's hand. He's such a good guy, he deserves to have a good woman at his side. Sue is great for him; I can't believe I didn't see it coming.
"Congratulations, you guys. That's awesome."
"It took me forever to wear this man's defenses down. He couldn't take a hint, so I finally had to make the first move."
"Sue, TMI. Just keep that to yourself. But yeah, congratulations. I'm just a little surprised. Sorry."
"Bella and I have some news for you as well."
"Daddy, Sue, I'm pregnant."
Charlie's jaw drops to the floor, followed almost immediately by a huge, beaming smile. "I get a grandchild?"
Bella walks over to hug her father. "Yeah, Daddy, you do."
He kisses the top of her head and whispers something to her.
"Let's call your parents, Edward. They need to know right away as well."
We both get on the line. My mother answers.
"Mom, what are you and Dad doing this coming September?"
"Hello to you too, Edward. What kind of a question is that? I have no idea what I'll be doing."
"Well, then, let me help you make some plans. Be sure to get plenty of sleep before then, you're going to need it."
"What on earth?"
"We're pregnant, Esme," Bella grins.
We hear a loud clunk and a shout for my father.
I hear sobbing in the background. "Mom? Are you okay?"
"Edward? What is it? Is Bellar all right? What's happened?"
"I'm fine, Carlisle. Edward and I are going to have a baby."
"Bloody good show! Well done, you two!"
I hear my mom sniffling as she gets back on the phone. "I'm so happy, Edward. You have no idea. Bella, are you doing okay? Can I do anything for you?"
"I'm a little nauseated, Esme, but I'm just fine."
Bella tells my mother a few more details, and I take a moment to let this all sink in.
A baby.
Charlie and Sue.
Everything in its right place.
~xXx~
Darcy and Elizabeth have always loved Bella, having taken such good care of her while she was recuperating from meningitis. Now that she's pregnant, they've gone completely nuts. They follow her everywhere, just watching for something to go awry.
When Bella sits down to watch TV, or lies down for a nap, they're next to her in an instant, vying for a place on her belly. When greyhounds sleep, they spread their bodies flush with yours, getting as close as is physically possible, and love to put their heads on your body. Typically, they go for your abdomen, lap, or snuggle their snout under your arm. When they sleep together, you'll find them in a tangled pile snuggled as closely as they can get. Since Bella's getting rounder by the day, one of them parks their face in between her breasts and her belly, and the other gets the space between her belly and her thighs. The only time they grouse at one another is when they're vying for the best spot on Bella. Darcy usually ends up winning whatever spot it is that he wants.
I'm completely unimportant in this house now, since I have no malady, nor any pregnant belly to guard; I've been relegated to peon status in their eyes. While I may be insignificant to the dogs, I'm still the fucking alpha male in this house, and I decide to kick them out of the room for the night.
Bella's bump is huge; she's been complaining vociferously that she is more pumpkin than human. She's ridiculous, of course. She's never been more beautiful than she is right now. I tell her this constantly, and she merely scoffs at me.
I watch her step out of the bathroom, which she visits with increased frequency these days. It seems like a cruel tease that women sleep so poorly in their last weeks of pregnancy—they're going to get such interrupted sleep once the baby is born, nature should really cut them a break in preparation for what's coming. I notice that she's wearing nothing but my button down shirt. She should know better than to bother covering up; I'm only going to take it off again when she gets to bed.
She never makes it that far.
Carefully, but firmly, I press her body into the closed door. The air around us crackles with the electricity of our passion.
I see the look on her face, her body language; my actions and desires fill her with lust.I hear her breathing become ragged, raw, and hitched, when she feels my hard cock, what her round body does to me.I drag my tongue along her collarbone, tasting the salty tang of her deeply through my nose, I smell her, the unmistakable scent of Bella. I'm never able to fully sate my desire for her.
Her skin is exquisite, so soft, as I move my hands lovingly over her body. I gently cradle her protruding belly, my long fingers carefully protecting the special contents.
"Do you have any idea how beautiful you are? How much you honor me by carrying our child? I'll never love you more than I do right now. You're everything, Bella."
I lift her legs around my hips, sliding gently inside of her, careful to deliver only pleasure. Her soft sighs and happy noises fill me with so much pride, that I'm the one able to give her what she needs. My feelings threaten to overwhelm me, they're so intense. She comes quietly, which is fine, because I make enough noise for the both of us. I feel a warm, wet rush, and assume that it's just the after effects of our love, until it dawns on me that I've never come quite that much in my life. I look up at Bella, and she has the strangest look on her face.
"I think my water just broke, Edward."
~xXx~
What the ever-loving fuck was I thinking about when I thought having a baby was a good idea?
Bella's contractions have started, and I'm a fucking wreck.
I'm the one who's supposed to be supporting and encouraging her, and all I can see in my mind are flashbacks of her lying on the hospital bed, intubated and unresponsive. Cognitively, I know that she's having a baby and that everything will be fine. Emotionally? I can't get past the fact that I nearly lost her. I still have such a hard time seeing her in pain. I don't know if the agony of that trauma will ever lessen.
We haven't even made it to the hospital yet.
I overhear Bella on the phone."Yes, Daddy, it's started. But remember, it's my first time, so it will probably take a while. Just get your things gathered and leave when you can, and tell Sue to do the same. It's no rush."
How can she be so calm? How the hell does she handle everything life gives her, and turn around with her beatific smile? My wife's strength will never, ever cease to amaze me. It's a good thing she's the one having the baby, because I'm clearly not able to handle it.
Naturally, her hospital bag has been packed for weeks, because my wife is perfect and genius and understands inherently that I'm not going to be any help at all at times like these. I manage to get her bag and escort her to the car without incident, and I'm pretty fucking proud of myself to accomplish that much. Just as I'm helping her into the car, she has another contraction, and her legs give out. A jolt of shock runs through my heart as I momentarily panic. She's quick to reassure me that it's nothing.
I'm never going to make it.
My hands shake as I try to start the car. Bella reaches over and gently places her hand over mine.
"Edward, it's fine. I'm fine. We're just having a baby. Take a deep breath."
Ironic. My wife, who is in labor, is telling me to breathe. I close my eyes and follow her command.
In. Out.
"I can do this."
"I know you can, baby," she reassures.
As our journey gets underway, Bella calls my parents to let them know it's time. Thank god my mom will be there, because she is cut from the same rock that my wife is—with her there, I know everything will be fine, because she always makes it fine. Granted, this is no skinned knee, and Bella's ordeal will be much longer than anything I faced as a child, but my mother is a miracle worker.
Right?
I'm pulled from my thoughts by the sound of Bella practicing her breathing.
"Are you okay?"
She can't answer me, but looks me in the eye and nods.
I'm in awe of my wife. My beautiful, calm, intelligent, Rock of Gibraltar wife. She's an absolute miracle. Everything she's done for me has made me healthy, happy, and sane. I'll never know what I did to deserve her. I'll never truly know what she sees in me. I'm just grateful I could pull the wool over her eyes long enough to convince her to have me.
At the hospital, Bella insists upon walking up and down the corridor for as long as she can to help move the labor along. My parents, along with Charlie and Sue, have created an almost festive atmosphere in the family lounge; I'm glad someone can enjoy this time, because I'm a nervous wreck. I'm lost in my own head when Bella suddenly falters, her knees giving out.
"Bella?" I ask, alarmed.
"Bad. Bad. Bad," she moans.
Fuck.
"All right, baby, let's get you to bed so they can check how far you've dilated."
My mom magically appears at my side to help, and together we get her back to her room. The doctor checks her, and she's fully effaced and dilated. Trust my Bella to keep on going until she's completely ready to deliver. Unreal.
The nurse instructs Bella how to push most effectively, and I see a look of intense determination spread over her face. My girl is all serious business; this is going to happen. She pushes her heart out then catches up on her breaths in between contractions. I can see our baby's head crowning, and my fears are suddenly replaced by intense excitement. Bella's okay, the delivery is going fine, and we're going to make it.
"She's got dark brown hair, baby, just like you!" I exclaim.
I'm not sure if Bella hears me or not; she's in a place of focus, almost like she's meditating. Our baby's head squeezes through the next contraction, and her physician quickly suctions out the nose and mouth. It only takes three more contractions for our baby to be delivered, a squalling mess of dissatisfaction for having been pulled from her comfortable environment and out into the world.
It's a girl. I have a girl. We have a girl.
"Bella, love, you did it! Our baby's a girl, and she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen!" I have tears in my eyes; it's a moment of absolute joy.
The panic of fathering a girl, however, sets in almost immediately, tempering my joy.
She's going to be locked in her room away from all male contact during her entire adolescence.
If she's just as beautiful as her mother, no boy will be allowed within one square mile of her; I know what goes on in the minds of pubescent males, and it's nothing I want my daughter subjected to. Ever.
Our lovely little girl is placed on Bella's chest, and my wife looks positively radiant. How this is possible, I have no idea; she just physically exerted herself so hard, it's akin to running a marathon. As I've said before, my wife is simply amazing.
"Hello, my girl. I'm so happy to meet you, little one," Bella coos to our daughter. I bend over to kiss my wife's forehead then I kiss our baby.
"Welcome to our world, Libby. You are so loved, already."
Esme Elizabeth, Libby, after both our mothers. Bella's mother's first name was Elizabeth, but she always went by Renee. She felt it would be too much of a reminder to use the exact same name as her mother, and Bella doesn't want our daughter to have to carry that burden. Still, we want to honor her mother's memory.
Surprisingly, the moment she's placed on Bella, little Libby quiets at once. When Bella speaks to her, she looks her mother in the eyes, very intense and focused. She has the same reaction to me, too. From two intense people comes one intense newborn; go figure.
The nurse encourages Bella to bring Libby to her breast almost immediately. Research has shown this helps the bonding process even more than mere skin contact, and attempting to nurse immediately is important for both infant and mother. Naturally, my perfect baby girl gets it right on her first try. Bella is so pleased.
After a few minutes, the nurse weighs and measures little Libby, and I leave to fetch our parents.
"Esme Elizabeth Cullen, Libby, has officially joined the family, and I can attest personally to how beautiful and perfect she is. Ready to come meet her?"
I'm nearly mowed over by overzealous grandparents anxious to meet their first grandbaby.
Little Libby is passed from person to person, still as quiet and focused as ever. We clearly have an exemplary newborn. She is met with resounding approval from her grandparents. As if that wasn't a foregone conclusion.
~xXx~
Hours later, in the middle of the night, Libby awakens, and I bring her to Bella so she can nurse for a while. When she's finished, I finally have my daughter in my arms again, and I tell her the story of Bella and me. The long journey we took to guarantee her eventual arrival in the world.
I lean over and take in her baby smell, inhaling deeply. Finally, I get to huff a baby of my very own.
"I'll have you know that your mum agreed to marry me even if I wasn't perfect, but seeing as I am perfect, it all worked out smashingly well. She's incredibly lucky to have me, as you will soon find out."
I thought Bella had drifted back to sleep, but her words indicate otherwise. "Still so full of shit, Cullen. Just you wait, she's going to wrap you around her little finger, and then your narcissistic days will be over."
"I think she already has."
I walk back to Bella's bed, and climb in next to her. We hold Libby between us as our girl drifts back to sleep.
"She's really perfect, isn't she?" Bella says to me quietly.
"Yes, she is. I'm so proud of you, baby. I love you so much."
Words cannot possibly communicate the level of joy I feel, so I let my lips do the talking. They're usually far more convincing than my words are, anyway.
Bella, baby, me.
Everything in its right place.
END NOTE: Charlie's love interest is for my dear mycrookedsmile. She loves her Charlies, especially when they have a chance to get some.
Ellachanted inspired Edward's line about being perfect. Apparently, she knows Dr. GEM very well.