Chapter 38

I've always been in control of my choices in life. Even going against my parents' wishes and to branch out and do what made me happy during college didn't stop me from taking control of my life.

I've never experienced anything like I did when that red veil dropped over my vision. I had no power over my own limbs. I still felt everything though. I still felt every hit, every drop of blood that was spilt because of my actions, even though I was incapable of stopping it.

I don't know how much I screamed in agony, how much I screamed and cried over every single life I took, over how much damage I was causing to not only the city, but to my own loved ones. Each attack and hit I made on them felt like a sharp knife to the heart. If there were any way I could end it all and no longer exist, I would have gladly accepted that fate in order to protect them.

But no, all I could do was sit trapped in my own mind, watching helplessly as my body was used against my will. It really was the hospital all over again, though on a grander scale this time.

Everything seemed to exist in slow motion during that time of suppression; it was as if Brad had wanted me to suffer every single moment of my mental incarceration. So when the electricity surged and shorted my body out, causing all the pain to disappear, I was happy.

The blackness held me close, caressing both body and soul, then bade me to move on to let the nothingness consume me. After causing so much heartache and damage I was more than happy to oblige. But I kept hearing voices, familiar voices. It was from past memories of the past few months, of all the happy times I've had with both my real and turtle family. I felt warmth from those memories, and felt a longing to be held by a certain bullheaded asshole just one more time. I didn't want my last memory of Raphael to be one of me attacking him in the alley.

I'd just like to see him, really see him one more time. I felt pressure on my chest, but it wasn't uncomfortable. With each pulse the warmth spread further and further through my body, until I was finally able to open my eyes…my own eyes.

…to be used as a killing machine? How do you think she would feel if she knew everything that's happened?

I instantly knew who and what they were talking about, and I felt a few tears spring to my already wet eyes in remembrance. I couldn't do anything to stop the killing of those guards and scientists. I stood by helplessly as my body acted on its own accord, though I felt their blood, heard their screams, smelled their terror.

Parts of my body twitched with life again; and within moments a large red clad turtle had yanked me up from the ground and squeezed me so hard I felt like I may pass out again. I thrashed at first, almost instinctively after so much battling, but quickly melted into his strong arms and solid plastron. Raph snaked his hand up to cradle my head against his chest, and though I wanted to do nothing but cry my eyes out for days, I didn't have the energy to.

He whispered words of thanks and I swore he was trembling with emotion. But he pulled back and I realized I was the one who was trembling. Words tumbled through my head, wanting to escape at that moment, but my mouth didn't want to cooperate. Donatello leaned over and helped to prop me up against the trunk of a nearby tree, its rigid and study bark giving me something solid to stay anchored to.

I knew that look the purple clad turtle would get when he was about to go into full on 'Doctor Donnie' mode, which usually meant a bunch of annoying tests and exams that would make you want to rip your hair out one by one, and I really wasn't in the mood for a full on exam.

"Thanks Donnie," I croaked out before coughing and clearing my throat more. I guess all the hollering I was doing earlier along with getting zapped would do that. "For everything. I'll be ok though. I just need a minute…"

I heard Raphael kneel down next to me telling me to take as much time as I needed. God how I missed him, even though technically it had only been a couple hours since my whole existence had been turned on its head. His hand was right by my own, so I grasped it and brought it up to my lips.

Oh man, that was a bad mistake. The pain seared through my entire arm, but concentrated on one specific point and began radiating heat that wouldn't go away. It itched too, which didn't help because I knew no amount of scratching would help relieve the pain.

"Ouch ouch ouch, I think I still have a bullet in there," I groaned out as I pulled the fabric for my sleeve up over the injury with my good arm. It sucked even more because it was almost the exact same pain I had when I first got the damned thing. Donnie gently grasped my arm and looked it over.

Of course I was such an uber awesome creature that could magically heal faster than anything else in the world. That meant it pretty much enclosed the damn bullet in my arm. Why couldn't someone engineer genes to expel foreign material like this so I wouldn't have to feel the stupid thing anymore.

Oh great, and now Donnie's saying the sedative isn't going to work. Ugh…Let's just get it over with already.

He grabbed his med kit and within a minute was ready to retrieve the bullet. He apologized and then went to work. Oh god the pain was immeasurable as I felt every single centimeter of skin and muscle be cut away. Flashes of memories from the hospital flooded my head and I had to grab onto something to keep from flipping out. Fortunately Raph was at the ready, though I'm sure his hand was going to be sore from all of my squeezing.

I clenched my jaw and tried to will some of the pain away, though thankfully it didn't take Donnie long to get the damn thing out. I stretched out my arm and felt relief in the small void that had contained the intrusion.

Leo called attention to my earlier words, "Elena, you knew you got shot in the arm. Does that mean you saw everything that happened?"

I didn't want to look at anyone, didn't want them to think I had anything to do what those actions earlier, didn't want them to think I was some sort of monster that liked killing and hurting people. Raph jumped in on Leo to lay off me, that I had been through enough for one day.

Donnie handed me a canister of water which I politely took. The cool water helped to soothe my sore throat, and I took a few more sips as I contemplated how I was going to explain everything to them.

"No, it's ok," I said quietly, insisting Leo's line of questioning was quite all right. "I saw everything. Everything. It was like a screen of red fell over my eyes and I saw it as it all happened, but couldn't do anything to stop my body from reacting. Every guard I mangled…every kunai that sank into those scientists' chests, even…"

A flashback from the lair permeated all the fogginess and I about choked on my words. "Oh no, is Splinter ok?" I would never be able to forgive myself if I hurt the elder rat.

"Yeah, he's fine," Raph said reassuringly, squeezing my hand a little. "He's a tough old bastard, so don't worry bout him."

Good, I hope he won't hold that against me the next time I see him. "What about those police officers from earlier? Are they ok?" I watched as Donatello fiddled with his wrist computer as a few pages projected above it.

"Looks like one is in critical condition, but most of the others weren't seriously harmed," he frowned as he read something and looked up towards the sky. The trees had filled out during the earlier part of the month, so it was hard to see, but I could hear the whirling blades of the police helicopter pass overhead. A pilot, copilot, and two in the back…probably snipers; their heartbeats were strong and loud so that meant they were on high alert and ready to shoot at anything weird.

I tried to ignore the thumping of their hearts as I tuned back into what Donnie was saying. "They still have the search team out hunting for this supposed escaped zoo animal, so it might be wise if we move locations soon."

"Good," I muttered, a slight edge to my voice. The last directions I had been receiving were still echoing in my every fiber before the line of communication was cut by that electrical shock. "Because I know where I'm going next. I know where he's at."

Each turtles' reaction was different, but each held a mix of surprise and anger. "Well, I don't know the exact address but I know what it looks like and what it's near. I'll know it when I see it."

"So what, you just want to wander around the city looking for this asshole? Is it just me or didn't we just fucking do this. And look what happened." Raph tried to control his anger, and he was having an awful hard time doing so. "You know you pretty much died right now, right? Like your heart stopped and everything. And you think I'm just going to let you walk in there? Did that jolt fry your mind?!"

I knew he was going to be angry, and he had every right to be. "Raph, I-"

"No," he interrupted as he squeezed my hand again, "You can't go, I can't…" I could hear his voice slightly cracking as he looked down and away from everyone. "I just can't lose you again."

My irritation softened as I put myself in his shoes. What would I have done if something had happened and he had disappeared for months? Then come back to be mind-fucked into destroying a bunch of stuff? I can't guarantee that I also wouldn't be a mess and determined not to let him go back. I reached over and cupped his face in my hand, stroking the side of his face with my thumb. He placed his hand over mine and I finally got a glimpse into the sadness he had been feeling.

"I know you don't want me to go, but I have to," I whispered as I leaned my forehead onto his. "I have to end this."

"Did you have specific instructions when you were under?" Leo's voice chimed in gently. "Like can he see through you right now?"

I shook my head, "No, I don't believe so. I think he realized we were going to be at the lab, and whether or not we triggered some sort of alarm accidentally I don't think he can see through me." I scooted over to Raph more and leaned against him to help calm us both down; he reached his arm around and pulled me closer. "It was more like a feeling that anyone with a white coat had to die, but anyone who stood in my way was collateral damage. If that even makes any sense."

"Actually, the device in your neck may be more of a one-way receiver if nothing else," Donatello piped in after I finished. "Just a receptacle for data and orders, but not much else. He may have had a signal set on a repeating loop to be broadcast at a specific time each day in the hopes that it would get to your receiver eventually."

"Would he be able to tell if she's no longer under its control?" Leo continued his line of questioning.

The genius took a moment to ponder the inquiry, "No, a receiver wouldn't be able to transmit any data back to its base computer. But if he had security features that I wasn't able to detect then he may already know her orders were fulfilled, which is why she got the signal to return to base."

"So it's like he's expecting her to show up then, right?" I felt the turtle next to me tense at his brother's insinuation.

"No way," Raph interrupted as he pulled away from me, standing up and pacing like a caged animal, "No way we're sending her in there as bait."

I stood up slowly, holding onto the tree for balance. My muscles still twitched with the exertion I had experienced over the past few hours, and above all I relished a hot shower and nap. But those things would have to wait.

"Have anything else in mind?" I replied as I leaned against the strong oak, "If we take too much longer he'll just move and then try this all over again."

"She's got a point," Donatello chimed in. "Unless we get her back to the lair and I run some very specific tests I can't guarantee that the device in her neck is nullified. It may have shorted it out for now, but I can't say that it won't come back online at some point. The lapse in his control over her may just be temporary."

Raph screamed out as he punched a hole in a nearby tree, "You've gotta be fuckin kidding me!" I could see the conflict in his mind, knowing that for the moment I was safe, but at any time I may be taken over again. "She can barely even stand there! Can't we just take her back home and chain her up while we go punch his ass into tomorrow?"

Before I could even bark a protest Leo stood between me and Raph and poked at his plastron, "Absolutely not! You see what she can do? What if she gets loose while we're out? You wanna take that risk of her hurting sensei? Are you going to turtle up and take the blame if she gets out and kills someone?" His face turned slightly embarrassed as he glanced back at me, "Not that you'd do it on purpose, no offense."

"None taken," I replied quietly as I stood straight up and stretched my muscles. They were sore, but I could feel my energy starting to replenish itself. "Look, I know nothing I can say is going to change your mind hon, but I have to do this. What better way to use a ticking time bomb than to point it towards someone who needs to get blown up?"

I heard a few chuckles out of the other three brothers, and saw a slight smile quickly appear and then disappear off of Raph's face. "I know it's not the best of circumstances, but it's what we've got to work with. And we're losing time, I can feel it in my bones."

I could see he wanted to be angry, wanted to punch another defenseless tree, and I would probably be the same way had our roles been reversed. His fists clenched open and close slightly for a few split seconds before he finally exhaled loudly in defeat.

"Once your mind is set there's no changing it," he grumbled. "You're more stubborn than me."

I felt a small smile break on my face as I went up and wrapped my arms around him. He returned the gesture as I heard the others get ready to leave. Donnie packed his med kit and began explaining that once we got back to the truck he'd be able to put in the specific details that I knew about the location as well as its surrounding landmarks to find exactly where I was instructed to return to.

As we separated from our embrace I turned to find Michelangelo being unusually quiet and off to the side of the group. He approached me as the others began the short trek back to the van. Without missing a beat he grabbed me and pulled me close for a warm hug. "Glad to have ya back sis."