hmph. Okay so I know it's been waaay too long and I'm so sorry but it's been really hard for me to sit down and write. I have so much to say in this chapter and I feel like I have to say it all and it was awful to get it to all fit together because it doesn't.

It was the night I read John's last letter, his last words to me, that I remembered why I had cut myself off from the world. Why I had chosen not to feel. Mycroft was right, again, and I gritted my teeth thinking about it. Why did he always have to be right?

Years later I stared at the paper with his writing on it. The last thing I had. I felt like I needed to write back. It was just silly. He would never find out what it said and what was the point now? I laughed at how ridiculous it was.

Maybe some would call it "closure" but I don't think that's quite right. "Closure" just sounds so final. It's like "The End". That's not what this was. This wasn't the end of John Watson. It may have been the end of many things such as my sentimentality and sympathy and maybe even understanding, but it wasn't the end of our love. As long as I drew breath I would love that man unconditionally. It wasn't the end of his memory or of my dreams that I may meet him again, in this world by some miracle or any other. This letter wasn't closure.

That being noted, I proceeded to get a new piece of paper and my pen. Well… his pen. Mine was too far away.

"I do love you, John. More than life. I know you'll never read this I just need to get this out. I hope somehow you'll know what it says but who am I kidding? Anyway.

"You saved my life. Countless times. The first was on the night we went to dinner. After classes, I went home and I had a fight with my parents and Mycroft. It was bad, worse than it had ever been before. They were probably right, but that's not the point. Death seemed like the easiest way. I had tied a scarf around my neck. I had written a note. I had taken that last deep breath. Then I closed my eyes and I saw your smile. I don't know why but I started to cry. I knew you were lonely. I knew you were hurting. I knew you needed someone. So I cried for a while and I untied my scarf. I got into bed and slept until I had to go meet you. Just so I could try and forget. So I could escape for a while.

"That night, when I saw you again, I didn't know I loved you. I thought that maybe we could be friends but I shook that idea quickly. I couldn't let myself get attached. But, God, you had the most beautiful smile. And even though it took my breath away, it was enough to keep me breathing that day. Sorry I never told you. I would have if it ever came up."

I took a deep breath and curled up in a ball, sinking into John's chair, and closed my eyes. In an awkward way, it felt like he was holding me again.

"Currently I'm sitting in your chair. It really is ugly when you think about it though I don't mind. I've grown to like it. We used to sit here and talk and laugh and sometimes yell at each other. Remember when you were mad because I left the milk out to grow bacteria and it made the whole kitchen smell? I do. You know, as strange as it sounds, I miss your yelling.

"I also miss getting to say your name. John. It's so beautiful and it used to bring me such joy to say it. For now I've stopped. It's too painful. I'm sure you didn't talk about me after the fall… But I think of you all the time.

"Anyway, my chair is ugly, too. Maybe it's just that nothing in this room bloody matches. Because I was always the one who knew about that sort of thing, right?

"Remember on New Year's when I played the violin? And you made me keep playing until you fell asleep in this chair. Since you love it so much, I've composed a song for our wedding. It's taken longer than usual but I'm pleased with it. I'll have to teach you how to dance when we find the time…

"I remember once we were drunk and you asked if you were a vegetable. I said no and then you asked if you were "a pretty lady". I still laugh thinking about it. Well, I half-smile.

"I haven't laughed since that night we were out in the snow. Remember? When you stuffed snow down my pants? I was so mad. And cold. Speaking of cold, our bedroom really is freezing. Especially without you here.

"I don't know what to do, John. I tried to run to you. I tried to stop you but you just wouldn't stay. You couldn't. John, I can't do this one more day. Where are you when I need you most? Why aren't you home with me? Why is life so unfair? I can't do this on my own.

"They always tell me that it'll get easier. They try to comfort me and, of course, it never works. Each day it's harder and each day I miss you more. And I've forgotten how to hope. How to love."

I thought about all the nights I've spent without a second of sleep and days without food. I didn't want to do this anymore. I couldn't. I wanted to die. A poem came to mind and I smiled to myself. Keats always knew what he was talking about. Maybe that's why John liked him so much.

"'Now more than ever seems it rich to die. To cease upon the midnight with no pain.' That's what this feels like. You said you never wanted me to find anyone else but I have taken a new lover, John. He can give me what you cannot."

I paused and bit my lip.

"Who am I kidding? Death is not a lover. But he could help me reach you. Maybe that will be in an hour or a day or even another half a century. Who knows? If I do… you know. Speed up the process, I am sorry. Don't blame yourself. Maybe I'll add sleeping pills to the category with cocaine injections and all the other little weaknesses.

"God, I'm sorry. I miss you so much and some days it's just unbearable. I've only been to the hospital once when I cut my wrists but it was a while ago. Mycroft made me get on medication but I never take it. Maybe I don't want help. I don't want them to mess with my head. I don't want to risk messing with my mind (says the one who does cocaine). I am a mess, John. You kept me right.

"It's taken me hours to write this. It's nearly two in the morning. I guess I should try to get some sleep.

Goodbye, John. I'll see you soon.

I love you,

Sherlock."