Nathan lay on the couch staring absently at some John Wayne western on the Classics channel. It's not like he could pay attention anyway. He just liked the background noise. It didn't matter if it was ESPN, MTV or God forbid, the Lifetime network. He would just lounge on the sofa, beer or hard liquor nearby, just looking aimlessly into space.
It took a few tries but finally he registered the knocking on his door to be different from the noise on the screen. Nathan looked up, and without further contemplation, decided to remain in his spot. Whoever it was would just have to come back later…much later. Then they knocked again. And again. Damn! Whoever it was, they were persistent, not to mention heavy handed. Nathan cursed to himself.
"Nate! You in there, man? Dude, I know you're in there. It's me, Luke!"
Nathan rolled his eyes. Sometimes "St. Lucas" gave new meaning to the phrase "brother's keeper".
"Nathan! Come on, man! Just open the door! I know you hear me!"
Hell, with that big mouth Lucas could probably be heard all the way in China.
"Bro, I am not leaving until you open up!"
"Damn", Nathan muttered as he finally dragged himself to answer the door. "What's up, Luke? Sorry, man, I couldn't hear you. I was in the back."
Lucas walked in and surveyed the damage. It was worse than he thought. He knew his younger brother had a temper but seeing the prized "wedding wall" in pieces on the floor along with the keyboard that had been Haley's Christmas present, was a little shocking. Not to mention every framed picture of her or them as a couple was shattered as well. Lucas also knew that Nathan had never been that much of a housekeeper but the entire place was in shambles. The trash, piled dangerously high like an intense round of Jenga, had started to overflow, leaving a trail of soda cans, beer bottles, and various take out containers. Clothes were heaped everywhere, several mounds not distinguishing whether or not they were dirty or clean. The furniture harbored thick coats of dust and an unrecognizable but nevertheless, gross odor lingered about.
"Hey. Um, Mom figured you'd been getting by on Top Ramen and Chef Boyardee so she sent me over with some home cooked food. Some chicken and vegetables and stuff."
"Thanks. That's cool, Lucas. Thank you. Uh, just set it down."
Luke's eyes wandered around.
"Uh…where?"
"Sorry", Nathan mumbled, clearing off a tiny space on the table with the sweep of his hand. "I haven't gotten around to cleaning up."
"I'll say", Lucas laughed.
"What?"
"What do you mean, what? Look around, Nate. This place is…well, it's disgusting."
"No, it's not."
"The hell it isn't. You've got shit everywhere. Dude, how can you stand this? Every rat and roach within a 50 mile radius is probably on its way over because this place would be Club Med for them. Jesus, Nate. It's filthy, it's funky, it stinks…"
"When did you start working for the housekeeping police?" Nathan muttered. "Look, I'm gonna straighten up but I haven't had time."
"I don't see why not. From what I hear, you haven't been at work in weeks, you hardly ever leave this place, and from the looks of what I can see as the beginnings of a beer belly, Dough Boy, you haven't been hitting the gym. So what have you been doing with your time?"
"I don't know. Stuff. Look, man. I appreciate the food and all but I'm kind of busy. Any other reason you dropped by?"
"Yeah, to save my little brother from turning into a dirty, mopey, pathetic recluse."
"Thanks but no thanks, Luke."
"Nate…"
"Man, seriously spare me the Full House pep talk, okay? I'm fine. Just do us both a favor and go home to Brooke."
"I think I'm needed more here. And as far as lectures, pep talks and advice? Well, they are coming. You don't get off that easily so you may as well relax with that dingy old blanket of yours and get comfortable. We may be here for a while."
"How long?"
"That depends on you and how long it takes you to come to your senses."
Nathan sighed in frustration.
"Alright. Whatever. You win, man. Go ahead and say whatever it is you have to say."
"Where do I begin?" Lucas asked. "I mean, damn. First of all, everybody is seriously worried about you. And number two, well, look what you're doing to yourself."
"I'm fine."
"No, you're not."
"Well, what am I supposed to do, Luke?"
"Quit whining, get off your ass, get it together, get your wife back? Just a thought…"
"Haley left me."
"Do you blame her?"
"You don't know what you're talking about", Nathan shook his head.
"You were kind of a dick to her. And all that shit with Chris…"
"Don't even go there, okay? Don't judge me until you walk a mile in my shoes, brother. You have no idea what I'm feeling."
"You're right. No one does, Nathan. Especially not your wife. Know why? Because you just keep it bottled up inside. You're pissed at the world and in classic Dan Scott fashion, you just take it out on everyone else instead of dealing with your own emotions like a man."
"You don't get it, Lucas. That Chris…"
"What? You think I'm not mad as hell? Nathan, I love Haley, too. Remember I loved her before you did. She has been my best friend for as long as I can remember and I was always protective of her like she was my little sister. Growing up all I ever wanted was to keep her from harm, keep her away from bad people…protect her heart so that it would never get broken. And then some beady eyed, pathetic, posing, pip squeak, piss ant goes and attacks her? Man, you know how that makes me feel? You know how mad it makes me? How much it hurts me?"
"I hate how he took advantage of her. I told her over and over again…"
"So what? You did tell her. I warned her and Brooke and Anna and Peyton and everyone else. She didn't listen. Should Haley have? Yes but she didn't. Still that's no excuse for that prick to do what he did to her."
"I know that."
"Do you? Because to tell you the truth, Nathan. You don't act like it. You were two steps away from totally blaming Hales like she brought it all on herself."
"That's not what I was trying to do? Damn, it's so much deeper than that. It's so complicated. Look, I know I drove her away…"
"Damn right you did."
"And I'm sorry. Can't you see that? I really love that girl. I miss her, too. Haley is my best friend. She's my wife, man. I…I just want to be there for her. I want to take care of her."
"Then act like it, Nate."
"It's not that easy", he shook his head. "You don't understand."
"Maybe I don't need to but you have to make Haley understand. I know you love and she loves you, too. You guys need to tackle this together. Don't let that little shit Keller have the final say in the end that he tore you apart. I mean, don't want you to work things out with her?"
"Of course I do! I love Haley! I think about her everyday, every single minute! I never wanted her to leave in the first place. Every day that I'm here and she's not tears me to pieces."
"Then do something about it."
"Don't you get it, Lucas? I don't know what to do. Okay? I don't know what to do! I have all these crazy feelings and emotions inside and I don't know what to do with them. When Haley's around, I say the wrong thing, I do the wrong thing. I know I came off like a total asshole. I didn't mean to. But I'm mad at her for being around him and I'm mat at him for betraying her and hurting her like that. Then I'm mad at myself for not being there to protect her and I'm mad because I don't know how to be there for her now. And you know what? And this is really gonna make me look like a selfish bastard but I am mad because another man, touched what was mine. Now how insensitive and caveman is that?"
Lucas stared at his brother.
"Dude, everything you just said, everything you've been feeling is normal. It's hard and it hurts and it's confusing and you do have the right to be pissed off but what about Haley? What do you think she's going through? For better or worse, Nathan. Don't hide your pain and bottle it up. You guys need to get through it together. If you don't, you're going to lose her…for good."
Nathan looked around at the mess in his house that had become a metaphor for the slow declination of his entire life. Dealing with his own emotions was hard enough but he knew he hadn't made the best effort to help Haley with her feelings. The tragic attack had hurt and angered everyone around them in one way or the other. Why had he been the only one to let it destroy him? And it had. Chris Keller's fateful actions had eaten him from the inside out.
But he couldn't lose Haley. Not his Haley. His best friend in the world. The person that supported and understood him no matter what. Someone who knew him at times better than he knew himself. The love of his life. His wife.
"I fucked up", he whispered to no one in particular as his hands shook. "I really fucked up."
"You'll get it back, man", Lucas nodded.
"I love her, Luke. I can't lose her."
Tears had welled in Nathan's eyes and now they were beginning to fall.
"You'll get it all back", Lucas reassured him as he embraced his sobbing brother.
Nathan, always so strong, secure and in control was now a heartbroken and lost little boy, with only his big brother for comfort.
"What am I gonna do, man?" he sobbed.
"We'll figure it out, Nathan. Everybody's going to be okay. We'll work it out. I promise."