Chapter 38
"Take Me In"

abc.

I dreamt the entire first week we lived in Godric's Hollow. I'd never been a dreamer – not a dreamer in the unconcious state of mind sort of way, at least – but the dreams were vivid, unreachable things. I had been a dreamer in regards to the future and success and hopes. I could see what I wanted as the years would pass and I could see what I should look like and feel like. But I was awake when I dreamt of my future, never dreamt when I was asleep.

Until that first week, when my dreams were so startling that I would wake up more exhausted than before I slept. And I could remember my dreams, in detail, which I didn't think was common.

My dreams spanned different things. I dreamt of death and terror and destruction and horrible, horrible things that wet my eyes and made my heart pound. I saw people I loved lifeless and cold and bloody and broken. I saw the end of our world and I could not see myself, so I assumed I was gone, too. I saw bad things that broke my heart and dreams were not meant to be that way. They were what you called nightmares, I assumed. The nightmares were long, mean, painful things but the dreams in between were quick bursts of hope and sunshine and love.

I dreamt of having a tan and I smiled remembering it. I dreamt that we were on some west, sunshine coast where things were warm and there were no Dementors to change the weather to some foggy, rainy mess. I dreamt of the sun and it was warm and we were happy and James was by my side and I felt whole and swollen and well.

I dreamt of Sirius happy and calm and sober and in love. I dreamt of his handsome face smiling again and fuller than his recent weight loss had changed. No more hollow, sunken cheeks or dark eyes. I dreamt of those eyes alight again and not so distant, dull, faded.

I dreamt of being pregnant. I saw myself rounded, my cheeks protruding further when I smiled, my stomach some perfect ball shape, my hair was longer and frizzy and there was a dewy glow that I didn't recognize. My breasts had grown to an unnatural size and I saw myself with not much further to go – I could hardly walk but I looked happier than I could ever remember being in my entire life.

I was nineteen years old and these were not things I expected to dream of.

Abc.

The cold stung my eyes as we trudged over the frosty ground, through the hard snow. My nose ran and I wiped at it with my mittens, tugging my hat low over my ears but I thought the worst sound in the world was crunching snow through covered ears. I performed a charm on my boots to keep them quiet and the group nodded and followed suit. They thought I was clever, I was just trying to keep the ache in my head at bay. I did not even think of being silent to ward off enemies.

Because we were surrounded by them.

We'd been compromised and by that I mean – we were in danger. A couple of ours had been taken out and a retaliation was planned but only through the Auror's of the Order and only with information that had been extracted from the Ministry. The rest of us were off to keep safe.

We were off for safe-keeping and it would not be long now before safe-keeping meant keeping secrets and keeping secrets meant secret-keeping...

The moon was high and the sky was clear and it was late at night or early in the morning, I wasn't sure because in the wintertime everything looks the same most of the time and no, Lily, use your common sense, it must be near midnight or just after if the moon's that high – 5 AM would be a lower moon but no sunrise. I forgot about sunrises lately because we hardly saw daylight and on we trudged through the cold, biting air.

There was no wind or movement or breath, just that air that hurt your lungs to breathe. It was so cold so of course we were out in the elements and my legs began to shake after awhile and warming charms wore off and were redone and I was in the middle of the group and James was behind me somewhere murmuring softly with Sirius, Remus and Peter and we had Mad-Eye with us until he was called on from the other half of the group.

It had to be somewhat professional, we were told. The Ministry had to put on somewhat of a show, take care of what we were trying to take care of. We had to work together and the minute we started too our men were ambushed on a mission and we lost and they gained and they would fix it, the Ministry promised. So, off went the most powerful – title wise – members of the Order to try to police the Death Eaters and it was almost laughable to consider arresting those people because they were unknown but for Lord Voldemort and there was no proof on those we did know – half of Sirius's family for example – and you could not just ambush them back and arrest them all when they murdered with a swish of the wand and disappeared just as quickly.

Things were looking down.

The only sound were the murmurs of the group, easily mistaken for some animal or breeze or swaying tree. I felt as if I were nine years old with cold ears and nose and frozen cheeks and wide eyes, bright from cold-prodded tears. I felt so much apart of something bigger than myself or any of us and I wondered if it would make a difference, if we'd survive this soon enough to see our efforts pay off.

I was becoming more aware of this separtist, Muggle-hating world we were living in, being terrorized by a demented Wizard with far too much power for even the best – Dumbledore – to contend with. The Ministry was at odds, people were falling apart at the seams and we were trying and hoping and praying to stop the spread, to confine it before the deadliness was all-consuming.

There was something about a bone-chilling February night that makes you feel alive. Your blood is pumping and your extremeties are numb and your mind is whirring and every heavy thought you've had are there and every dream and yearning you've had seem possible and there is nothing but present and future, past is unimportant and we were moving forward...

"Wands," Mad-Eye breathed and we all stopped in our tracks and held our breaths and

I wondered when our nerves would catch up to us. When this would all be too much, when Mad-Eye would drop of a heart attack, when Dumbledore would disappear and never come back, when Sirius would just turn and lose his mind and maybe Remus would finally join the Dark Side and Peter Pettigrew would soon surrender – I wondered how long this could last for. How much longer we would be young before we were old with grief and worry and loss.

We moved again when it turned out to be nothing of concern and Sirius made some sound that suggested he wished more than anything that it would be something because he wanted to take someone out, he wanted to finish someone off – his own cousin, perhaps? – and it made me nervous to watch the change come about in him.

Murder was such an easy thing on both sides now.

Frank and Alice Longbottom had gathered together after the group arrived and were whispering to one another, hurriedly and importantly and he brushed her hair back from her raw face and her eyes were shining. To watch that sort of love on display scared me.

And there was a moment, when Marlene McKinnon had lit her wand and there was a brief second of light aside from that of the moon, when I looked back and saw the four of them behind me, surveying the place we would set up camp – and James's hazel eyes glinted in the light and they were different than I was used to and my arms goosebumped despite the fresh warming charm and it was for a rush of a thousand emotions evoked by the look in his eyes.

I felt collapsable, as if any second this would be it and I would just take him and run off and there was nothing more I wanted then, no other person I cared for but him. He was all I wanted and I know he felt inadequate, he felt as if he was doing a bad job of taking care of me and protecting me but I did not want for that, did not need to be shielded I just needed honesty and bravery and him and I felt an indescribable warm well inside of me and my breathing quickened and I felt like running for all of the potential we had and all that we could lose.

I sought him out blindly, as darkness returned and protecting charms were cast all around the wooded area and only colourful sparks and streams lit my way as I fumbled and stumbled through the people and snow to his knowingly awaiting arms.

Oh, if only things were as simple as rushing to him and being held by him and running away with him. If only it were some movie when we made the decision to love one another forever that then we could runaway, with me riding shotgun while he wore sunglasses and we were in some car with the top down and the sun shining.

But it was a February night with breath hanging still and trees frosty with cold, snow crunching and twigs snapping and people breathing and mumbling and smoking and wishing and hoping and giving up and crying and fighting...

I breathed in the smell of sweat and outdoors and cold and liquor on him for a few moments and his arms were long, wrapped around my back and firmly holding the back of my head against his chest, one hand against the small of my back and he made me feel feminine and lovely and needed and wanted and rested and well even despite the mammoth coat and boots and mits and scarf and hat I wore.

He was warm and strong and there and good but there was something different, something off, something darker in being so close to him, something nearly scary and the transformation of these boys, James and Sirius, to these frowning, protective men was a product of the war.

It was war against all odds and I dreamt of leaving it all behind that night.

Abc.

"I and Love and You", by the Avett Brothers.

Abc.

I awoke late in the night, early in the morning and the fire had died down and there was a flutter and flurry of snow as the door opened to the small camp, someone had just switched patrols and I could hear them stomping their feet and blowing on their hands. There was still no movement in the air, an eerily quiet, breathless night. It was as if the entire world was holding it's breath with us, waiting on word and news and change.

Wrapping my coat around me I got up from the cot I shared with Marlene rather than James – it seemed more like a camping fun sleepover than an escape from attacks that way.

Sirius, Remus and two other members were changing places, just precautionary considering the protection we'd taken around the small camp. Sirius had a smoke in his mouth and Remus was holding a flask in his gloved hand.

I went to the camp stove and brewed a quick tea, prodding the leaves with my wand to get some taste from them. I offered a cup to the two Marauders and they accepted, Remus dumping the dark liquor into his and then Sirius's and offering me the remnants. I finished it with a swig.

We gathered in the small room off of where everyone else slept, not separated by a door due to the cramped space. It was the best that could be done outside of a tent and everyone had rejected that idea considering the frigid temperature and constant need to replenish warming charms.

"February air burns as much as this stuff," Sirius murmured and his face was red with cold as he swilled his tea.

Remus nodded his agreement and then sighed to me.

"How are you doing, Lily," not necessarily a question but an acknowledgement of my presence there.

"Fine." I held my arms tight around myself. Sirius finished his cigarette and flicked the butt out.

"Is everyone either drinking or smoking by now?" I asked and Remus chuckled and somehow under the influence of liquor and caffeine and cold he was friendlier, looked warmer despite his cold bitten skin.

"One way or the other to get through."

"Hmm." I mused, poured my own tea and held it in both my hands to warm them. It was hard to believe that this was where we were, that it had all come down to this. I wanted to talk to Sirius, to touch base because since we moved I hadn't seen him nor had he seen our house, our home.

But the relationships I had established with each of them – Sirius, some damaged destructive mess of companionship and love and support in times of need and Remus a more critical, hostile one with friendliness at unexpected moments, of endearment – made it strange to try to carry on a conversation that encompassed issues I wished to address with each of them, so instead we just talked about the weather and Godric's Hollow and Sirius cussed Regulus Black's name a few times.

He bade goodnight before Remus, kissing me on the cheek and smelling like liquor and smoke and frost.

"So," Remus kicked his boots off and sat down, rubbing his feet.

"Sirius is sleeping with Marlene."

"Hmm? Oh, no, I'm bunking with her because James said he'd be up and down all night, on watch and stuff..."

Remus scoffed.

"Sirius is fucking Marlene, m'dear."

"Oh. Oh! Really? Wasn't quite expecting that one...So, she was who he was with? The cheating thing that ended him and Bridget?"

Remus nodded and I felt out of the loop.

"But it's more than what he had with Bridget," He told me and I missed her long dark hair in braids and her sparkling eyes, smile, laugh. I missed her before she became bitter like Sirius. They were too good of a match in the end. She thought of Ray far too often to have moved on so quickly and so they just stewed together, just resented the very path that had brought them here.

"Not to insult her, at all, but they both knew what it was. With Marlene...He's quiet about it, you know, not very like Sirius. I'd say he loved her if I knew better. Blimey."

I wondered if he would change to the glowing handsome vision I'd dreamt of. Love, oh love, I couldn't imagine what it would do for Sirius to love and be loved back. I couldn't imagine what it would do for Remus, either. Both of them – all of us – were so aimless, so without direction.

"Good for him. I think love would look good on him. I'm tired of this, I'm not certain I understand it...I don't know when I'm supposed to start actually living as opposed to...fighting and trying. When do we start careers and families? Do we have to wait out the war and hope something comes together afterwards? I figured this would last a little while and then we'd start our real lives but..."

"World as we know it is gone. This is our real lives now. Ah, maybe James could've been an Auror or you a Medi-witch or Sirius just some whackjob out to make a lot of money...I thought I'd travel around, meet a thousand beautiful women and have stories to tell. Not stories about cold-blooded murder and a sort of prejudice that's destroying our world..."

Remus's eyes pierced me and I bit my lip and my face fell and he was right – these were our lives, this war was where we lived.

"What're we going to do," I whispered and there was surge in my veins, a desire stronger than ever to end this before we all lost everything, before we did not even have this life, this war-torn world, before we had nothing and were ghosts of our former selves.

Remus offered out another flask and we drunk to our salvation.

"It'll all work out eventually. Cheers." He said and there was a smile on his lips that was more of a grimace than I'd ever seen.

I went back to bed and crawled in with James this time and kissed him in the dark until it was hard to stop and we were sure going at this blind.

Abc.

"It'll all Work Out", by Tom Petty.

Abc.

Hello. 2010. There's not a lot to say about it – just that it happened so quickly, 2009 is a blur. I hope you all had great holidays and breaks and whatever else you're doing at this time of year. Happy New Year, which is such a strange thing that it's here so soon. I wish when a new year came it was actually a new beginning instead of a return to school and the same old, same old. Maybe some day this education thing will be done? Ha.

This chapter came together quickly and I'm sorry for the time between chapters now. This little story has been chugging along for FIVE YEARS. That blows my mind. I don't remember who I was five years ago. No, that's not true. I was sixteen. I remember sixteen which makes me realize how very old I am now. My friends and I just sort of sit around remarking about how old we are and how fast things have gone by and how it doesn't seem real anymore. It's like playing catch up in our own lives. It's a funny thing, turning twenty and then twenty-one...time just does really strange things to you.

This chapter is just, you know, a darker exploration of the times. It's kind of a rip off from the Deathly Hallows considering the trios camping adventure looking for Horcruxes. BUT. I needed some way to make the whole thing seem real to Lily. As for facts about the war at that time – I just kind of went with it and made it up haha so hopefully it makes sense. I wanted this chapter to be a kind of dount about her and James but it didn't quite turn out that way. I don't really mind, it worked out. Lily's approaching "more mature" era I think! Reflecting on my moody, insightful Lily is annoying because even when she is energetic and youthful she thinks about it too much. Which is kind of the point of the story, so, I guess you have to love it or leave it.

I'm not sure when this thing will come to an end, when I'm tired of writing it I suppose. I like going at my own pace these days, just slamming something out when inspiration hits. It's few and far between lately but I thank anyone who has stuck with me.

Oh, as for the songs – I so love the Avett Brothers right now and that is one of the best songs of the yaer. I love the feel it gives me, this desire to escape all that has hurt you. As for Tom Petty – doesn't really fit the chapter at all but, again, it's the feel that does it for me. So forlorn and chilling, which is what I wanted to convey with this chapter. Ok, longest note ever haha. Done.

For auld lang syne, my jove.

Kaitlyn