Thanks to everyone for reading and commenting and favoriting. I really appreciate the support.

LOL to my guest reviewer that is judging me for keeping Sam out of it...he's still the main part of this story...the center of it all. I just wanted you to miss him as much as Mercedes and the rest of the characters to do. I wanted you to feel their pain and get to the brink where you can't take it anymore and you NEED Sam to open his eyes. Are you there yet?

Chapter 38

Howling and crying, anguished whimpers tormenting her senses. Brushing by her, raised voices, urgently barking commands. Flipping him to his back, uncoiling his limbs. Close his eyes, he doesn't need to see the light. Shield him from it, make him stay here with the buzzing and the screams.

"This man has a DNR," someone said in the distance. "Stop defibrillation." Her heart constricted as a silence fell over the room. Shaking uncontrollably, sobs replaced the screams, loud and horrible tearful sobs.

"Mercedes you've got to calm down you're scaring the baby." Beth cried in her arms, her face pink and soaked with tears. She just looked at the baby unable to understand how to comfort her, to stop her tears. She glanced over at Sam on the bed out of the corner of her eyes, surrounded by doctors, now on his back, the thin green line on his monitor, howling his pain. "Mercedes look at me." Someone grabbed her by the chin, and forced her face to move. It was her father and suddenly it all came back.

"You have to save him," she choked out through her sobs.

"He has a DNR. There's nothing I can do."

"Not anymore. I made sure of it."

"What are you talking about?" Julian asked.

"There's no DNR you have to save him. Please."

"Mercedes it is on his record."

"He was just waking up. Beth and I were giving him kisses and he was responding."

"I think it may have been his body shutting down."

"No!" she yelled backing away from him, trying to remove herself from the horror of his words. "Beth touched him and he moved."

"Mercedes you need to relax." He reached out toward her and she recoiled. She didn't need his comfort. She needed him to save her husband.

"He's almost back. You've got to help him." She was becoming hysterical, as Julian just stood there. Why wasn't her father moving? She looked over at Sam, his eyes were still open, looking upward, staring into the light. "Daddy!" she screamed. "Please don't let me lose him."

"Get my daughter out of here." She felt herself being pushed out of the door, Beth being lifted from her arms. "Beiste can you make sure she is okay?" Arms were surrounding her, hands on her head.

"What's going on in there? What's happening to my son?"

Her mind snapped back to him, curled on the bed. Sam was dead. And she was running, her name breezing by her ears, concerned voices, but she didn't stop. Away from the howls, from his vacant green eyes, she increased her pace trying to drown out the screams loudly echoing in her head. Her dinner rising in her throat, burning, tears hot on her face, she was choking, sputtering, but still she didn't stop. Through the doors, pushing them with her arms, heart pounding, legs aching, overcome with tears, then she fell to her knees. Silent as she stared up at the blues and greens of the glass, a large cross displayed before her, burnished in gold, braced in black.

It had been a long time since Mercedes thought of God. She pretty much thought he had written her off, deemed her not worth his time, so she had done the same, shutting out reference or belief in a higher power. The last time she had prayed she had been thirteen. Eyes clenched shut, hands clasped, shivering as she felt the bed dip under his weight. She had begged God that night to show his power, to save her from the evil. Evil with a knife and jagged teeth, smiling with every bruise and cut he inflicted. Her mom must have been getting paid a lot of money, since he ensured the full value, dollar by dollar, taking bits of her flesh long after he was done using her body. Mercedes had no bargaining chip, no collateral to offer, but that night she made deal after deal with God, promising to be a better student, to stop lying, if he would just make the man go away.

Ultimately she had been ignored, and from then on Mercedes knew that God didn't waste time on the broken and the dirty. The only power she could rely on was her own. But Sam was different. God couldn't ignore a man like him. He could be loving and kind, but also so fearless and brave, he had so much to give. His life was worth fifty of hers. So she remained on her knees, staring up at the cross, clasped her hands, praying that God would listen to her, just this once. She had only one chip to bargain.

"Take me," she said, tentatively at first, her voice hoarse and hollow in the empty room. She closed her eyes and raised her voice. "Take me instead of him." Her voice echoing against the walls, bouncing off the stained glass.

"Mercedes no!" She turned to the voice behind her. Beiste in tears walking down the aisle. She bent down next to her, taking her into her arms. "You mustn't say such things," she soothed.

"I waited too long. Should've offered myself sooner." The tears wouldn't stop, a steady flow blurring her vision.

"Mercedes hush." Beiste helped Mercedes off her knees and led her to a wooden pew. "I won't have you talking like that."

"Why not Beiste?" she sniffled. "It's true. If I had switched places with him months ago, Beth would have her daddy and maybe Quinn wouldn't have gotten sick. Things would've been better." She had gotten in the way. If Sam hadn't tried to save her that night, shielding her with his body, none of this would be happening. She would've been the one in a coma or dead. He could've been living the happy life he deserved.

"You don't know that. Everything happens according to God's plan. We just have to trust it."

"God planned for Sam to be stuck in a bed for months not knowing his own child, missing out on life…" She paused, unable to say the words easily. "Dying at twenty-eight years old?"

"Sometimes it is hard for us to understand the reasons why." Beiste didn't understand. How could she? God loved people like her.

"I can think of a few. God is hateful and mean," Mercedes said bitterly remembering all her unanswered prayers from her childhood.

"Mercedes!"

"God only gives miracles to the chosen few. He doesn't hear the cries of meaningless little black girls when they're scared and abused."

Beiste took Mercedes's face in her hands. "God hasn't forgotten you. He brought you to me. He brought you to Sam."

Mercedes stood up, pointing to the gold cross on the altar. "But he's taking him away. We haven't had any time, Beiste. It's not fair."

"You're right, it isn't fair. I'm angry and hurt and so sad for you both." Beiste wiped the tears from her own eyes with her fingers. "But I trust in my faith and I believe God has a greater purpose. There was a reason you were spared."

"Like what?"

Mercedes couldn't think of a single reason why Sam deserved this more than her. She was the one that had done so many unspeakable things. She was the reason he was in the coma in the first place. She deserved to be punished, not him.

"Maybe it was meant for you to be here for Beth. To take care of her while her parents can't."

"I want Beth to have her father."

Beth didn't need her. What did she know about raising babies or creating a happy home? She was raised by a sick freak that only pretended to love her to get her to help her pay the bills.

"I know sweetheart, but we don't always get what we want. Sometimes we only get what we need, and Beth needs you."

"What about Sam? I can't lose him Beiste. I won't let him die."

She imagined Sam in her mind, smiling down at her, the way he used to. He seemed so real, as if she could reach out and touch him. For a moment it was like it never happened. Sam was holding her in his arms, stroking her hair. She pressed her cheek against his shoulder and let herself melt into him.

"It's not up to you," said Beiste hugging her.

Over Beiste's shoulder she saw him approach. Dwight walking faster than usual, his face an overcast pale gray, his hands clenched in tight balls at his sides. He gripped the back of the wooden pew, knuckles whitening as he sat in the seat behind them. He couldn't meet her eyes.

"Oh no! Sam's dead. He's gone isn't he?" Mercedes asked in alarm, fresh tears following the tracks of the ones that just dried.

He shook his head, but didn't speak. "Julian brought him back. He's still with us," he finally said. Mercedes turned and looked at the cross, thinking maybe God was listening after all.

"So he's okay?" she asked standing up. "I need to go be with him." She stepped into the aisle, and headed toward the door.

"No, he's not okay." Mercedes stopped at Dwight's words, a lump forming in her throat. "I watched them work on him for over fifteen minutes."

"They couldn't revive him?" asked Beiste.

"They'd bring him back, then he'd crash again, and then they'd bring him back. I wanted to smash that monitor with my bare hands. That damned line kept coming back." Dwight held onto the back of the pew so hard she thought his fingers might bleed from the pressure.

"Dwight your language! This is a chapel," scolded Beiste

"I don't care Shannon! My son is dying and there's nothing I can do. Every time they shocked him back, I prayed for it to end. I couldn't stand the thought of what he must be going through." He grabbed Mercedes by her arm. "Mercedes we can't keep doing this to him. We have to let him go."

She shook herself free of him, wrapping her arms about herself. "He's fine now. He's back."

"Julian said this would probably keep happening. His body's getting weaker."

She shook her head, not wanting to hear anymore, but she knew what Dwight was saying was the truth. The body couldn't last this long in a coma without breaking down. He would either go into a persistent vegetative state or he would die. As time went on there were less and less options for his recovery. Less reasons to hope.

"We need to give him just a little more time."

More time. She had been asking for it for months now. When would the time ever come? How much more could she wait for him to get well? She suddenly felt so alone in this battle. It was his body, but he didn't seem to want to help her. He didn't want to get up and help her prove to everyone that she wasn't crazy to believe he would be coming back to them all.

"He doesn't want to live like this. You know about his will." Dwight persisted.

"There is no will. I destroyed it. I'm willing to fight you for however long it takes in court if it comes to that."

She wanted to scream at Dwight, tell him to go to hell. He would have to kill her before she would let him pull the plug on Sam. But she didn't. Something deep inside stopped her, a feeling that it would be somehow wrong to stand in way of what Sam wanted. Mercedes tried to push those thoughts down, to only focus on keeping Sam alive, but they always slowly rose to the surface, reminding her that her actions were betrayal.

"Just because you got rid of the paper doesn't change what you know in your heart. You know he wants us to let him go. You know it." Mercedes watched Beiste rub Dwight's hand in comfort and jealous thoughts coursed through her body. They got to lean on each other, spend days and nights in each other's company and she had no one.

"Sam has so much to live for. He loved his life."

Sam had left her with a heart full of empty promises and the ghosts of a life unlived. He left her hovering between being in love and being alone. Her heart was broken so completely. She was in love with a man that was halfway gone.

Tears filled his eyes, a pained look on his face. "Sam loved his family, loved D&E, loved you, but how he is right now, that's not living."

Mercedes couldn't argue anymore. She knew he was right. Sam loved life. He was active and passionate. He took risks and he thrived on challenges. Being stuck in a bed must be like hell for him.

"I don't know how to let him go," she cried as she leaned into Beiste's outstretched arms.

"He'll always be with you," said Beiste as she gently stroked Mercedes' back. "In your heart, in your memories. You've got to cherish it all."

"I've been so selfish Beiste," she said sitting up and wiping the tears from her face with the hem of her black sweater. "I didn't want to be alone. I was only thinking about him coming back to me so I'd feel better. I wasn't thinking about what it must be like for him."

"You love him. Nothing wrong with wanting him well again."

"I'm not ready to give up." Mercedes remembered Sam reacting to Beth. It couldn't have just been his body shutting down like her father said. Sam was struggling to find his way back to them. "I still think he's coming back."

"If God has a miracle for Sam, he will get it. But we have to prepare ourselves to help Sam find peace." Beiste brushed the hair out of Mercedes's face, giving her a small tearful smile. "You want him at peace don't you?"

"If something like this happens again. If he…if he's…if he has a crisis." She stumbled over the words not wanting to voice the unthinkable. "I will respect his wishes. But I'm not going to take him off life support or remove his feeding tube either."

"Mercedes, it's what he wants." Dwight was stubborn, but he had met his match with her. She loved Sam too much to let his father give up on him just yet.

"Sam made a promise to me the night of the accident and I'm going to give him every chance to keep it. But if he can't, if his body is too tired, we'll let him go."

"Okay," agreed Dwight.

"I need to be with him now," Mercedes said standing up, smoothing her hair. "Where's Beth?"

"I took her to the nursery," stated Beiste. "She's in her special little crib there."

"That baby has spent more time in a hospital than most people do their whole lives," said Mercedes sadly.

"Maybe she'll grow up to be a doctor. Something is bound to rub off on her in here," suggested Beiste.

It hit her unexpectedly. She knew what she needed to do. "Dwight I need you to do me a favor."

"I don't do favors," he said gruffly.

"Please I need your help." Mercedes pleaded.

"What is it?"

"I need you to let Quinn see Beth before she goes upstate."

"No way," he said shaking his head. "I don't want that loon anywhere near my granddaughter." Beiste shot him a look of disapproval.

"Beth is losing so much. Her mom is going away, and she almost lost her dad tonight." Mercedes' heart ached for Beth. Her little world was crumbling around her and she didn't know it. No child should have to endure this much. She wasn't even a year old and she was practically an orphan.

"Even if I wanted to, I can't make that happen. Child Protective Services is very serious about their rules. My reach doesn't extend that far." She had no doubts that Dwight would come through for Beth. He watched his son almost die tonight and that had broken something in him. Mercedes could see the change in his eyes. Dwight wasn't going to deny his granddaughter a short visit with her mother. Not tonight.

"You get her to the hospital, I'll do the rest."

There wasn't much Mercedes could do to change things for Beth. Quinn had to face the law and Sam was in a place beyond her reach. But if only for a fleeting moment Beth could feel the warmth of being in her mother's arms again, maybe it would be enough to get her through all of this. She didn't know how much babies understood, and the science of how memories were made eluded her, but if there was any chance that Beth could recapture a piece of the natural bond with her mother, Mercedes was going to take it. She may have her problems with Quinn, but Mercedes' love for that sweet baby girl trumped all of that.

Hold tight...