Recollection xxxviii

'Tifa! Oh my Gods, it's you!'

'Huh?'

Thus, I learned that Yuffie Kisaragi, great ninja of Wutai, was also a member of the Home Guard.

'…that is pretty cool, you know. I heard that that Trepe is tough. She won't fight me though…' The girl pouted like a spoiled child, and I could feel myself beginning to smile 'Say's I'm too young and inexperienced, psh!'

She scowled, and I chuckled. Her face changed and she grinned widely, looping her arm through mine in exactly the same way Aerith used to. I almost stiffened, before relaxing in the familiarity of the hold.

Sure, she was not Aerith, and neither was I. Neither of us could substitute her either. Sure, I had been a bit startled with the sudden and brash way that Yuffie had befriended me, but I had not really minded that much.

Maybe we both needed a friend.

Besides, that was just the way she was. Loud and enthusiastic.

'C'mon, let me show ya round the place.' She said, ignoring me when I said that that I had been there several weeks, and that Lucil had done so already.

'Hey, maybe we can spar some day, most of them round here can't really compare to Wutai's finest, yours truly. Oh! And this is the cafeteria.' Still talking, she dragged me through the Mess Hall.

It puzzled me at first, why she had so determinedly latched onto me after our awkward first meeting. Despite my invitation, Yuffie had not returned to the bar a second time. She was young, yes, but she had seen the same horrors that I had, and in a way I was curious about the way she literally emitted cheerfulness out from every aspect of her personality.

Most of it was not an act, I think. She was one of those people naturally beholden to the light. Maybe her happiness was her way of coping.

Tugging on my arm, she had introduced me to a blond, spiky haired martial artist by the name of Zell.

'You two should totally fight it out some day, see who's the strongest. That's a fight I would pay to see.'

But the blond spikes had closed my throat, and I could only manage a strained smile and tight nod. Silly really I know, but I guess that even then I was still reeling in the aftershock.

This man was not him. Zell was shorter, more outlandish, his eyes glimmered more and his face more animated.

I wanted to see Cloud again. I wanted everything to be all right.

Ah, I keep coming back to him, don't I?

I can't help it, not really, not now.

What can I say? Days, weeks, months passed.

Marlene and Denzel grew so fast I was always lowering the hems of their clothes. They had appetites of healthy children and slowly, tentatively, we began to smile more. We became closer, as a family, I think. We helped each other along.

I worked at the bar, which slowly gained a surprising popularity. I found more and more faces there each night, and more and more of them I recognized from the Home Guard.

Cid was ever busy on his air ships into space. The Outworlder, long gone by then, had introduced some kind of special material known as 'Gummi Blocks' that could be harvested and used for outer world travel. He did explain his theories to the kids and I, but we rarely understood all of what he was saying. Shera would tut softly and tell him to stop boring us with work.

We heard no news from Nanaki, except that he had slipped passed the Soldier barriers and was now searching for his own kind in the Wild.

Still, Soldiers were sent out, and fewer returned on leave. They were troubled men, and they drank to block out the darkness that haunted their eyes. They said nothing about the situation, indeed, nothing at all was mentioned. Nonetheless, a chill would creep down my back every time one of those men came in and asked for something hard.

People went missing.

The sun still shone, as ever, but slowly, a whisper of missing children made itself known. Of men and women snatched in dark of night, never seen again. Stories grew, and were heard more frequently, more heard of then unheard of.

'It's not good, Tifa, my cousin, his little one got snatched, just like that. Disappeared into thin air.' The dark skinned man Kiros downed the rest of his drink, whilst his larger, mute friend Ward looked studied his glass 'Only a little boy, he was, what, seven?'

It frightened me, it really did. I became on the watch again, wary and alert.

I was afraid that this peace wouldn't last.

I was afraid for my family.

The boy balled his fist and punched again.

'Good, better…' I said, catching the punch easily 'Remember to concentrate on the point of contact, but without forgetting the rest of your body either.'

He nodded, a stubborn frown on his face, as he raised his fists again. His name was Liam, fifteen years old, a red head, and a resident of Radiant Garden. I think his father was a Soldier, but I can't be sure.

Again, he tackled the series of punches I had taught him as I blocked and countered each one. He had potential, that's for sure, and determination.

'Har!'

He threw another punch. I deflected the blow with one hand and, deviating from the set routine we were practicing, brought up the other in a strike aimed for his throat.

Eyes wide, he swerved to the side to dodge the punch. Ducking under my next one, he shot out a sidekick aimed at my knees.

I leapt lightly out of the way, nodding in approval.

'Good. You responded well. Always expect the unexpected. Always.'

Liam nodded, and I smiled at him.

A bell rang.

'Ok, that's it for today then, keep at it.' I said.

Giving a slight half smile, he bowed.

'Thanks Miss.' Liam turned and jogged to catch up with some other young recruits. They slapped him on the back as they walked away.

'You're a good teacher.' Said a voice behind me, and I turned to see Zell leaning casually against the wall, arms crossed.

I nodded in greeting, a little hesitant. We hadn't really talked since Yuffie's brash introduction.

'I just try to do it the way I was taught, I guess.'

Not entirely true. There was a lot more harshness and desperation and sorrow to Zagane-sensei's teaching then my own.

'Fair enough.' He shrugged, pushing himself off the wall to join me as I walked back to the senior locker rooms 'Myself, I'm rubbish at it. Every time I try to teach them something, those kids shove it right back into my face. No respect!'

'Maybe…you're not going about it…the right way.' I offered, unsure of what I should say. My eyes had kept on getting caught on his black face tattoo. It was so strange.

He saw me looking and grinned.

'Pretty cool, hey?' and he winked. I blushed.

'Uh…' It was very showy 'it certainly…stands out…'

'Yeah! You'd never forget my face, eh?' Zell seemed pleased, pushing out his arms to emphasize his point 'They'll know me all over the Land for my distinct looks and deadly skill!'

And, despite myself, I found myself chuckling.

He looked up, a wounded expression on his face. I bit my lip hard and looked pointedly away and he burst out laughing too.

'Hey, maybe some day.'

Maybe.

A pause passed between us.

'So…why are you here?' he raised an eyebrow at my question, and I looked away, a little embarrassed 'Why not apart of Soldier?'

'Huh?'

'Isn't it every little boys dream?' I said almost bitterly 'You seem strong enough.'

'Nah, I'm not interested in that stuffy regimented stuff.' He shrugged and stretched out his fingers 'Plus, my style doesn't suit them.'

'…I see.'

'What about you, how'd you learn your moves?'

I had been startled by the question, for some reason. It seemed strange; Zagane had always been the voice in my head with the wise words. A memory of strength and resolve. I hadn't spoken about him out loud to someone else for so long.

'Ah…my…sensei, Zagane…he saved me, taught me everything I know.'

'Cool.' He said, nodding 'So…how about a match?'

I stared openly at him for a moment, thinking. I had never fought against a fellow fist fighter before. The idea was…intriguing, to say the least.

But…

'Uh…'

I looked to the sky. There was still so much I was uncertain of. I was so tired. Suddenly, all I wanted was home, with the kids and hot chocolate.

The clouds above were gray. The missing people crossed my mind.

'No thanks…I…I've got to go.'

I walked away.

I had to pick up Marlene and Denzel from school. I would never let them walk home alone, not at that time.

'Maybe another day.' I said over my shoulder, and out the corner of my eye, I saw his face light up.

So different, so different to Cloud, but then, that wasn't a bad thing. I probably would have avoided him if he had been similar.

And that match, when it came, was a fight to remember.

'Your man, the one with the delivery service, he left you, didn't he?'

I froze.

Then I realized that the drink I was pouring was over flowing. Frowning, I dumped the glass in the sink and grabbed another to start again.

Quistus Trepe watched me from where she sat at the bar, drink in hand and face expressionless. The bar wasn't too busy on that night, but at that moment I had desperately wished that it had been. I served the beer to one of the Nero brothers-I forget which one, before turning to the till.

'What makes you say that?' I answered vaguely, punching in the numbers and getting out the change. I was wary, even threatened.

Quistus delicately sipped her drink.

'Captain Lucil. She mentioned something about it.'

'Oh.'

I didn't know how to feel about that, about other people taking interest in my private life. Normality, I still wasn't used to it entirely.

'Is that why you joined the Home Guard?'

'I joined so that I could protect my family.' I answered shortly, turning to the next customer and forcing the smile onto my face.

When I was done, she was waiting there still, watching me, analyzing. I waited for the next order, but it seemed that there was a sudden lull in business.

Scowling, I started tidying up the mess I had made with the drink.

'What does it matter to you, anyway?' I asked, not looking at her.

The woman shrugged noncommittally.

'Quistus!'

We both turned to look at the newcomer.

I had seen her before, a couple of times. She was the one the man with the scar on his face had mistaken me for ages back. The one with straight, dark hair and the cotton blue cape. Rinoa. They came together, every so often.

She smiled briefly at me, turning her attention to Quistus.

'It's been ages, hasn't it?' After the initial surprise, Quistus's calm persona was back in place. She smiled, though, at the newcomer, and her face was kinder for it.

'Rinoa. You look well.'

'And you, I keep meaning to come to the Guard, but they never seem to assign me there.' The woman slipped onto the stool next to the Instructor, and I was at once both relieved and disappointed by the distraction. I returned to cleaning up and Rinoa continues 'So how've you been, Quisty?'

Rinoa leaned forward and took the blond woman's hand.

'Well enough. And you?' She wasn't cold, just reserved.

'Oh…you know…the usual.'

I watched her, Rinoa, out of the corner of my eye. I guess I was curious, to be mistaken for her. I looked for the resemblance.

'No Squall tonight?' Quistus asked, tone almost light hearted 'I thought that he was your shadow, hn?'

'No…' The woman lowered her face, blushing 'he's sorting out something with the Guild, he said he'd meet me here, but he's late!'

'I'm sure he'll turn up soon.' Quistus says, reassuringly, and I glanced up to catch her expression. With its small smile, it was almost benevolent. Sisterly.

I was almost envious.

'Rinoa, this is Tifa Lockhart, the fighter from Midgar.'

Startled, we both looked up at each other.

Certainly there was some similarity. Her hair was dark and straight and long, framing our faces the same way. Maybe our mouths were alike too, the small smile that seemed to hide a secret. Her lashes were thicker and longer, though, her cheeks a little rounder.

Surface things, I know, but it made me wonder.

'Rinoa Heartlily at your service!' She smiled cheerfully and extended out a hand.

'She's a white mage of the higher class, some even call her Sorceress.' Added Quistus.

I wondered how different from each other we really were.

'You still feel lonely even with us here, don't you?'

Surprised, I looked at the eight year old from where I was polishing the counter top. He paused from where he had been sweeping the bar floor for me.

Denzel regarded me solemnly. Gods I wanted him to smile, just like any other kid. This loneliness ate at us all.

'…I'm sorry.' I whispered, for it was true.

'It's ok. We're the same.' Denzel confided, and I smiled sadly at him.

'I understand.'

He nodded at me, gripping the broom and starting up again.

'I wonder where Cloud is.' He said softly, and I wondered if he had even meant to say it out loud.

Biting my lower lip, I turned my gaze to the counter, concentrating on the worn wood.

'Hey.'

Everything was so unclear, still in the hazy fog of sleep. I struggled through the light, trying to make sense of it, to find that gentle voice behind it.

'Uh…' In a daze, I peered at the fuzzy figure before me. A face swam through, green eyes and a rosy smile 'Aerith!'

'That's me.' Her features sharpened, become clearer. She smiled gently at me, reaching out to place a hand on my shoulder.

'Aerith! I-' Even as my head told me that this was impossible, I called out to her, wanting her to be real.

'Shh…it's ok, you don't have to explain.' A sadness stole over her features, and my heart sank. She reached out a hand to brush the hair from my face.

'But-'

'Tifa, it's ok, things will get better.'

Gentle, reassuring, and it made me want to cry.

'You…can't know that.' I choked.

'I know…but…I have a hunch…'

But she broke off as I looked down, tears swamping my eyes. I couldn't keep it in, and, snuffling loudly, I scrubbed at my eyes to hide them.

'Tifa!' Surprised, concerned, she peered through my hair, trying to catch my gaze. Stubbornly, I refused to meet hers as another sob emitted from my throat.

'I-I'm sorry!' And she went still at my words, taken back. I stammered on, letting the tears fall off my face 'I c-couldn't help him…I-'

'It's not your fault.' Aerith said, ever comforting, but I shook my head at her words.

'I…I wasn't enough…'

Not enough, not enough to help the ones I love.

'It's not like that, Teef…' Again she pushed back my hair, making me look at her 'neither…neither of you are ready yet.'

I hadn't…understood. Blinking through my tears, I shook my head in disbelief and confusion.

'W-what do you mean?' I looked down again, pinching the bridge of my nose to stop the tears. I could still feel her eyes on me, but I refused to meet them, it was too much, too surreal. A sharp intake of breath and I found my lost composure. Speaking softly I said my next words 'This…this is a dream, isn't it?'

'Yes…' She replied, equally quiet. Equally sad.

'I'm sorry Aerith.'

She shook her head, smiling sadly again.

'It's not for you to say that.' Aerith looked me straight in the eye, steady 'Chin up Teef.'

Smile.

'But…'

She faded, and I awoke.

Authors notes: Ok, so this is all building up to the end!!

A little bit of Aerith htere, for those who have been wondering about her (I know she is not dead in KH! It will be explaned eventually!)

The reason I've updated again so soon is because I am about to embark on a little European tour, which will, unfortunatly, leave me no time to write or update. So, for the moment, this story is on hold, but I will get back to it once I've satisfied the travelling bug. So...hold out for me please!! I will be back.

See ya til then!