Chapter Thirty-Eight:

"I'll lock up. Go home, get some sleep. You've got to catch that flight."

Jack hopped up onto the empty drinks table. "No, I don't."

"What?" I was bone tired; it was two o'clock in the morning. It was understandable that I questioned my hearing.

"I cancelled it."

"You what?"

"I cancelled my flight to the West Coast."

"What does that mean? That you're not going today but you're going next week? And why are you grinning like that?"

"No, Brianne. It means that I'm not going to all. And I'm grinning because I'm happy. Is that all right with you?"

"Yes, fine, of course. But what about your new job?"

John's grin got even wider. "I quit yesterday morning. Well, as soon as it was morning in San Francisco. The partners weren't please, but I have a good lawyer. He'd built in a sort of escape clause in my contract and—enough of the boring details. I'm out of the agreement."

"Oh, So.." So, last night, I thought, last night, when we were together, John knew he wouldn't be leaving town…

"And I cancelled the moving company. They weren't going to ship my stuff out until next week anyway, so it was no big deal."

"It's not like you'd even packed."I said.

John laughed. "How did you know I hadn't packed?"

"Good guess."

And something Elise had said weeks earlier came to me then. Life, she'd exclaimed, was deliciously uncertain. At the time I'd thought she was being overly dramatic. But now? Look before you leap, Brianne.

It was too late for that, especially after the previous night at John's. It was time to throw every last bit of caution to the wind.

"John." I said. "I love you. I'm in love with you and I have been for a long time only I didn't understand what it all meant. My feelings, I mean. I've never been good with feelings."

John hopped off the table and took a step toward me. "Brianne, I—"

"Wait. You don't have to say anything you don't mean. Not that you would, of course, but I'll be okay. I mean, I never assumed you felt the same way about me. You don't have to feel any obligation to me or—"

John took another step toward me. "Brianne, will you shut up, please?"

"All right but—"

And then he was just a foot away from me, and then less. "Why the hell do you think I'm staying here in Boston? Because I love the Red Sox?"

"Because of your work?" I whispered. I didn't dare to believe what I thought might be happening.

"Right." John laughed. "People get married in every city, Brianne. People have birthdays and retirement dinners and Sweet Sixteen parties." He kissed me then and I knew. "Brianne, I'm staying here because of you. I need to be near you. I love you. Why do you think I was skipping town in the first place? I couldn't stand to see you every day and know I couldn't be with you."

"And that I was married to Wade." I said.

"Oh, yeah, that too."

"You just said you love me."

"I did, Brianne, you don't let me get away with being the guy who avoids his own life. I know it sounds selfish; it is selfish. I get so much from you. What do you get from me? I mean it. I'm not fishing for compliments here. But really, give me a clue."

I smiled. "Let's see, where should I begin? You don't let me get away with being a woman who avoids her own life. You're never boring. You've got a gorgeous face. Your hands are magic. You make me feel things I've never felt before. You—"

"Stop, you're embarrassing me. I mean, I'm a guy and I've got a guy's big delicate ego, but enough is enough. I'll be unbearable."

"You're already unbearable. It's part of your charm." Then the enormity of what John had done finally hit me. "You didn't know if I felt the same way and yet you quit your job just like that. You took a huge chance, John. You're crazy."

"Look who's talking. You're getting to be more of a loud pushy broad every day. First you demand I have sex with you—"

"I never demanded. Exactly."

"Well you presented a pretty irresistible argument."

"What if I get too loud and pushy?"

"Won't happen." John kissed me again, then said. "You're still Brianne. You'll always be Brianne. You're changing, but you're still and always Brianne."

Later that night, early morning really, we lay in John's bed, looking at the ceiling, looking at each other, talking.

"Why was it so hard to get together?" I asked.

"I don't know."John said. "I'm a little rusty in the love business. Anyway, I enjoy a challenge. I'm not complaining."

"We got what we wanted so what difference does it make how we got it. Is that it?"

"Sure. That sounds okay."

"And it doesn't matter that we didn't even know we wanted until we almost lost it?"

"Correction. You didn't know what you wanted. I knew all along what I wanted."

"Oh yeah?" I challenged. "Then why didn't you just grab it? It would have saved us an awful lot of time and miscommunication and loneliness."

"Yeah. That would have worked just fine. I'm not a pirate, Brianne. I don't see something—or someone—I want and proceed to pillage, plunder or rape."

"I guess I wouldn't have liked a strong-arm approach." I admitted. "But when Wade and I broke up…"

John stroked my hair and looked me right in the eye. "What kind of man would I be if I'd swooped in for the kill when you'd just gone through so much grief?"

"Not much of a man."

"Beside." He said a sly smile creeping across his face. "I was pretty convinced you had no feelings for me. Other than contempt and scorn, that is."

"That's not fair!" I protested.

"I know, I'm just teasing. But you didn't give anything away, Brianne. I figured that even if I waited for a decent amount of time before saying something I'd still be rejected."

"Do you think our coming together was so hard because we're both so damaged?"

"No. Maybe it took some time because like all human beings we can be stupid and pathetic. But not damaged. I think both of us have a hard time believing we can be happy. Happiness smiles right at us and instead of smiling right back we turn our heads."

I rolled over and threw my arm across John's chest. It felt so good to hold him. "Maybe we won't do that any longer. Maybe we've finally learned that we can be happy."

"I damn well hope so, Brianne."

We were quiet for a time and then I said, "They say timing is everything."

"It's something. It's important."

I wondered, was our story the kind you could tell the grandchildren? Probably not, at least not until they were old enough to be embroiled in wrong-headed love affairs of their own. Miscarriage, a broken engagement, betrayal. And all the while the right person right under your nose. No, I thought. Our story was not suited for the very young. Besides, who said there would even be children, let alone grandchildren?

Suddenly, John leaned up on one arm and looked down at me. "Look, Brianne. I don't like talking about my feelings. But there's something I just have to say. This might be the last you'll ever hear me talk this way."

"Okay."

"Brianne, you're like my air. You allow me to breathe. Because of you I can breathe. You're my soul or my spirit. You're something ethereal but at the same time absolutely necessary. You're vital to me."

"Can I tell you what you are for me?"I said. "You're like my stomach. Something solid and essential and not at all ethereal."

"Your stomach?" John grimaced and fell back onto the bed. "Well, at least you didn't say your small intestine."

"Okay then." I said laughing. "My heart but not in a goopy, Valentine's Day kind of way. You're my heart for what it really is. A vital organ. The thing that works for me, the thing with weight and presence. You ground me."

"Are you saying I hold you down?"

"No. Grounding isn't repressing. You're like an anchor, something that keeps me from floating away and avoiding the real stuff of life."

"Okay." John said. "Now can we end this conversation before Hallmark offers us a writing contract?"

"Deal."

"And we'll never speak of this again?"

"Speak of what?"

John pulled me onto him. That's one of the things I like about you, Trufan. It might take you some time but when you finally get something, you really get it."

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