A/N: Thank you to all of my faithful followers and reviewers! You keep me motivated! :)
38. Shore Leave
(Listening track selections: "Armageddon" by Anberlin and "Lovers – Flower Garden" by Shigeru Umebayashi)
Riding in the back of the Vulcan embassy transport vehicle on their return to the security complex where they were to spend at least one more night until they could find a place of their own in San Francisco, Catherine snuggled up to John taking hold of his hand and putting it in her lap.
"It's so nice not having our hands bound for once whilst outside of our room or stuck in the infirmary or hospital," she thought aloud as she stroked his hand. "Don't you think?"
John made no reply as he gazed outside the vehicle's window distracted by his thoughts.
"John?"
"Hmm?" he answered not tearing his gaze from the view of the outside world.
"Are you alright?" she asked sensing the inner turmoil brewing within his heart and mind.
"Yes," he answered shortly.
"Are you sure? I was considering having Ambassador Spock stop the mind meld. It was getting so intense for both of you. Okay, yes, I really should have stopped him," she decided. "But I suppose it is too late for that now. When we get back to our room, I'm going to contact Dr. McCoy and ask him to bring you some lexorin. Imzadi," she stroked his forearm, "you don't look well, and you're paler than usual. Are you sure you're alright?"
"I'm fine, Catherine, really," John finally looked at her. "I'm just tired. It was a trying day for both of us, no?"
"Yes, I suppose it was. Perhaps you just need a good night's rest, but if you're still not yourself in the morning, I will be in contact with the doctor," she threatened.
"Very well," he huffed slightly and looked out the window once again.
"No need to bark," she spoke timidly almost as if to herself before resting her head on his shoulder in silence.
Arriving at the complex, John got out of the vehicle first and then helped Catherine wriggle out also as it was becoming more and more difficult to maneuver due to her ever-progressing pregnancy. Linking arms, John led her inside and through the hallways not uttering a single word. While they walked quietly without a security escort, as they were now essentially free despite their chosen punishment, Catherine peered up at John and frowned seeing his face appearing quite pale noting dark circles under his eyes and a pained expression upon his face as if he would break down in tears at any moment.
"He's emotionally exhausted. Oh darling," she thought to herself as she once again rested her head against his shoulder, "why must you always do this to yourself?"
Reaching their room, John began stripping down. Taking off his shirt and flinging it onto the floor near their small dining table, he went into the bathroom to start getting ready for bed. Catherine sighed and shook her head before bending over struggling to pick the shirt up off the floor. Successfully reaching it and standing back up, she nuzzled her face into the still warm fabric and breathed in John's scent deeply before noticing his PADD on the table with a notification that a message was awaiting him.
Picking it up and opening the message seeing that it was from her parents, Catherine read: "My precious ones, we are elated to hear the news that the Federation Council has shown you clemency! I wept with relief once Admiral Morrow told me of your potential punishments and John's decision. Not that we aren't already proud, but we know that you will both make us even more proud serving in Starfleet. We already found a place for you to stay here in San Francisco. You may not like it, but it will work until you can find something more to your liking. Besides, it will be better than that horrid, small room you've been trapped in recently. Better yet, there is enough room for the baby if you do decide to stay in the new place. We're going to just stay here on Earth for the remainder of your pregnancy and to help you for a short while after the baby arrives. Tomorrow, we're going to pick you up late morning, take you out for lunch, and then get you moved into your new home. Sleep well my little one and little warrior. All my love – Mum…. And Dad, too."
Catherine smiled reading the note that was obviously all her mother's doing and was happy to know that she and John would be spending their last night in their cramped albeit somewhat posh, being that it was usually used for high-ranking officials, prison quarters. Kicking off her shoes and unzipping her tailored dress sliding it off her body, Catherine unhooked her bra, took it off, and pulled her nightgown over her head.
John emerged from the bathroom wearing only a pair of tight, grey boxer briefs that hugged him in all the right places. If it were not for the fact that she already knew he had been through enough that day and was emotionally exhausted, Catherine would have pounced on him then and there as she already felt her loins stirring. Instead with slight disappointment in her heart, she gently kissed him on the cheek and handed him the PADD so he could also read her mother's message before making her way into the bathroom for her nighttime routine. John quickly read the message and then crawled into bed awaiting Catherine to join him. As he waited, his thoughts raced once again.
"Kirk, that backstabbing bastard," he clenched his jaw tightly in anger. "How the hell can I possibly submit myself to his command for five entire years? I do not even know in what capacity I will be expected to serve aboard that garbage scow! If only the Vengeance had survived. We would be completely free of Starfleet. I would have my own ship. We would have the means to go where we will and would escape our exile aboard the Enterprise. I would prove my superior intellect and defeat the plans of Captain Kirk. He tasks me. He tasks me, and I shall have him!" he fought the urge to growl out loud. Catherine emerged from the bathroom catching his attention and helping him to refocus his thoughts. "No, I must heed Spock's warning. I must not let my heart stray from that or rather from those who are more important than my hubris and ego. I must not allow myself to blindly fall into the fate of my other self," he managed to relax and unclenched his teeth.
Climbing into bed, Catherine snuggled up next to John. Tenderly brushing away the usual fringe of hair that had fallen into his face, she leaned in and pressed her lips against his own before settling down and nuzzling into his neck. "Thank you, John. I cannot even begin to find the words to express my appreciation for what you did for our daughter and for me today. I know the thought of having to work for Starfleet pains you after everything we've been through in regards to Section 31. How can I ever show you my gratitude?" she spoke quietly her lips brushing against his skin.
"Having you proudly and ever at my side, my Khanum, will always be enough. I only want your happiness," John struggled to answer her, his voice threatening to break.
"I know that I always say it, and they're such simple words, but, John, I love you," Catherine found herself fighting back tears. "You're a part of me, you know."
"And you also are a part of me," he nodded knowingly.
"Just remember, Imzadi, that what causes you pain causes me pain as well. I know that the pain in your heart is ultimately your own and not my responsibility, but you must realize that it tears my heart apart when you withdraw and do not share your burdens with me. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty or trying to start a quarrel or anything. I just want to remind you."
"I know, and I've never forgotten. Do not think that it is because I do not want to share my heart with you that I withdraw myself from you and the world around me, as I trust you more than anyone with my heart. If I truly knew deep down why I do it, I would try to find a way to stop myself. I no longer have the excuse of trying to save face since I am no longer in the role of Khan and having to be a leader to my people. I do not want to end up rotting from within from the pain and wrath that dwells inside of me ever threatening to eat my heart and soul alive as well as those I love. Catherine, please help me," John struggled to contain his emotions. "I do not want to become the old, bitter and mad man that I saw in the mind meld this evening with Spock!"
"John," Catherine reached up and stroked his cheek trying to soothe him, "you're not going to become the man that you saw in Ambassador Spock's mind. When you're feeling better, you can tell me more about what you saw during the mind meld, and we can sort through that together. Regardless, you will not be that man. The ambassador himself was a bit stunned at the difference he saw in you compared to the Khan that he knew. Besides, I will not allow you to turn into the Khan you saw. Now, I think this is enough talk of such matters for tonight. I can tell it's making you even more upset. You're emotionally drained, Imzadi, and I really do think you would benefit from a dose of lexorin in the morning. For now, let's try to get some sleep."
Catherine quickly fell asleep which was some comfort to John despite the fact that it soon appeared to him that sleep would allude him this night. Holding her tightly, his mind wandered to what he saw and experienced in the mind meld. A moment in time, almost a flashback, went through his consciousness:
"You fled. Why? Were you afraid?" Captain Kirk pressed.
"I've never been afraid," Khan boldly replied.
"But you left at the very time mankind needed courage," the young captain taunted.
"We offered the world order!" Khan slammed his fist on the table.
Another moment from Spock's memories flashed through John's mind:
"Your ship is mine. I have shut off the life-support system to your bridge and jammed up your exit routes. I am willing to negotiate," Khan contacted Kirk from the engineering section of the Enterprise.
"Flood all decks with neural gas," the captain commanded.
"Impossible. Intruder control systems inoperative. Mr. Khan was very thorough in his study of our tech manuals," Spock reported.
"Contact Starbase Twelve," Kirk looked to Lieutenant Uhura.
"All channels are totally jammed, captain," she replied.
"Brilliant, every contingency anticipated," Spock noted. John could almost picture his eyebrow arching in fascination.
"Your air should be getting quite thin by now," Khan smiled to himself from engineering. "Do you surrender the bridge?"
"Negative."
"Academic, captain. Refuse and every person on the bridge will suffocate…"
John shuddered as he recalled and whispered to himself in the darkness, "And after every single person aboard your ship suffocates, I will walk over your cold corpses to recover my people. Now, shall we begin?"
Putting his hand over his eyes, John struggled as yet another vision of Spock's flooded his mind:
"Admiral! The commander Reliant is signaling. He wishes to discuss terms of our surrender," Uhura shouted out to Captain Kirk with desperation in her voice.
"Visual on screen!" Kirk replied.
"Admiral?"
"Do it! While we still have time," the captain did his best to hide the fear in his voice.
"On screen, sir."
"Khan!" the captain gasped.
An older version of himself, a long, white-haired bedraggled Khan appeared on the bridge's view screen. A rag tag group of Augments wearing a mixture of rags and stolen Starfleet uniforms could be seen behind him.
"You still remember, Admiral? I cannot help but be touched. Of course, I remember you," Khan sat in the captain's chair of the Reliant with a gleam of madness in his eyes.
"What is the meaning of this attack? Where is the crew of the Reliant?" Kirk demanded answers.
"Surely I have made my meaning plain. I mean to avenge myself upon you, admiral. I've deprived your ship of power, and when I swing around I mean to deprive you of your life. But I wanted you to know first who it was who had beaten you."
"Khan, if it's me you want, I'll have myself beamed aboard. Spare my crew!" Kirk pleaded in the same manner the present-day Kirk pleaded with Admiral Marcus to spare his crew.
Unable to bear the flashbacks intruding his thoughts any longer, John carefully scooted out from under Catherine's sleeping form and picked up his PADD. Sitting at the table, he sent a transmission hoping against all hope that Dr. McCoy was still awake.
"Commander?" Dr. McCoy furrowed his brow sleepily as he appeared on the screen of John's PADD. "God, man, you look horrible!" he exclaimed noting John's physical appearance.
"Please help me," John responded quietly lest he wake Catherine.
"What's happened?"
"I appear to be suffering from a Vulcan mind meld, doctor," John winced as another brief albeit emotionally painful vision flashed through his head. "Catherine suggested lexorin."
"That would explain why you literally look green around the gills. Where is Catherine?"
"She's asleep. After the difficult day we had, I did not want to trouble her further," John flipped the PADD around briefly to show Dr. McCoy that Catherine was indeed in bed and asleep.
"I'll gather my med kit and be right over. Are you sure you'll be all right before I get there? Perhaps you should have Catherine monitor you until I arrive," Dr. McCoy suggested.
"No, that won't be necess- Ah!" John shouted out in pain falling out of his chair onto the floor with a loud crash dropping the PADD and awakening Catherine with a jolt.
"Commander! Commander!" she could hear Dr. McCoy's voice shouting from the PADD. Noting John was not in bed with her, she turned around and found him lying on the floor holding his hands to his head.
"No, not again!" Catherine recalled when he suffered from headaches due to being infested with the Ceti eel larva. Jumping out of bed, she dashed to his side picking up the PADD.
"Catherine! What is going on?" Dr. McCoy asked as she noted him rushing about his quarters gathering his med kit supplies.
"I don't know! I was asleep. He's in quite a lot of pain," she did her best to report the situation calmly.
"Keep him comfortable as possible. I'll have to stop and get multiple doses of lexorin, but I'm on my way!" Dr. McCoy stopped his transmission.
"John, tell me what's wrong. What is causing you so much pain?" Catherine patted him on the bicep, as he appeared to be calming down.
Still holding his hands to his head, John began muttering to himself what sounded like nonsense to Catherine. "Ship out of danger? Don't grieve, admiral. It is illogical. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few or the one. I never took the Kobayashi Maru test until now. What do you think of my solution? I have been and always shall be your friend. Live long and prosper."
"What are you talking about? John, we're not on a ship. There's no admiral here. I can't communicate through my telepathic link with you. Your mind is a complete jumble right now."
"Catherine," John struggled to come to his senses and back to reality.
"I'm right here, Imzadi. What is it?"
"Don't go to Ceti Alpha V. You must never go to the damned planet. In fact, stay away from the entire system! Don't go to Ceti Alpha V!" he started to shout over and over as he tried to sit up on the floor. "Don't go to Ceti Alpha V!"
"John, stop! I won't go to Ceti Alpha V!" she tried to force him to look at her.
"Please don't go there. Please don't go," he started to weep.
"I promise you that I will never go to Ceti Alpha V," she sat beside him and cradled him in her arms to comfort him despite feeling utterly confused about his ravings.
"Imzadi, that green-blooded half-breed did this to me. Make it stop."
"Then you must focus on me, John. I will try to alleviate the discomfort, but you must listen to me. Understand?"
"Yes," he nodded.
"What you saw happened in another timeline and place. You were a different man and had a different goal in life. You are not the Khan that Ambassador Spock knew."
"I'm afraid that I'm not so confident of that as you."
"Spock wept to see you. I sensed some degree of affection within his heart for you, this version of you rather, despite whatever it was that you had done to him in his life."
"I'm so tired."
"I know, John. Dr. McCoy will be here soon. We'll start treating you with the lexorin, and then you can get some sleep," she reassured him. "I won't leave your side. Okay?"
"Okay," John allowed his body to relax despite the ongoing chaos in his mind and his excruciating headache.
"Hold my hand," she instructed him.
"Catherine, give me an update, please," Dr. McCoy burst through the door.
"After our trial, Ambassador Sarek approached us and informed us that his superior wished to speak with us this evening. He could not wait since he has to return to New Vulcan in the morning. The elderly ambassador, a Vulcan scientist of your acquaintance, requested to perform a mind meld with John. At one point, I considered stopping the meld as both were reaching their breaking points, but they mutually broke their bond, the intensity being too much. They both experienced a great degree of emotional transference. John has not quite been himself since. Mentally, he's in there and frightened, but he keeps raving almost like a mad man. For a while, what he was telling me made no sense," Catherine reported.
"Let's get him to bed," Dr. McCoy pulled John out of Catherine's lap allowing her to get off the floor and help him move John to their bed. Having John sit on the side of the bed first, Dr. McCoy pulled out his tricorder and began running scans. "I've heard of mind melds causing negative side effects, but this case seems particularly bad," he frowned. "I'm going to give him a double dose of lexorin to start with as well as something for the headache and a sedative to let him get some sleep. I'll contact the embassy to see if the ambassador is also experiencing any ill effects and see if they have any further recommendations in regards to treatment," the doctor injected John with said hyposprays of medication.
"Will he recover?"
"I think he will be fine as there are numerous other factors feeding into the severity of his condition at the moment, one being exhaustion. I know he would never readily admit it to anyone except perhaps you, but he's been through quite a lot recently physically, mentally, and emotionally. His body is still not quite back to 100% of his previous strength. Dr. Noel tells me that he's not making much progress during your sessions either," Dr. McCoy said as he helped Catherine scoot a now sedated John into the bed.
"No, he's not," Catherine frowned. "He's been very withdrawn. I fear he will hide away even more now that his very soul has been exposed to the ambassador. With all due respect to Dr. Noel, as she has helped me greatly, I may have to take matters into my own hands in regards to John's therapeutic needs."
"Well, you do seem to know and understand him best," the doctor agreed. "I'm going to leave this hypospray of lexorin here. Give him another double dose at around 0600. I'll stop by first thing to see how he is doing and let you know if the Vulcan ambassador has any further recommendations."
"Dr. McCoy-"
"Leonard. You can call me Leonard except for when we're on duty, Catherine," he smiled.
"Leonard, do you think John will be well enough to be moved to our new home tomorrow?"
"Play it by ear and ask him how he is feeling in the morning. He should be fine to go out and about, but try to keep him from becoming overstimulated. Besides, it should do him some good to finally get out of this gilded cage."
In the morning, Catherine gave John the second dose of lexorin as Dr. McCoy instructed. John awoke briefly, and after letting Catherine know that, although still quite tired from the sedative, he was feeling somewhat better, he rolled back over and fell back asleep. Hearing him start to snore quietly, Catherine smiled to herself and decided to stay up and get ready for the day in hopes that he would be well enough to move out. After having some breakfast and updating her mother in regards to the events of the prior evening, Catherine was surprised to receive an incoming transmission from the Vulcan embassy on her PADD.
"Ambassador Spock?" Catherine answered.
"Dr. McCoy informed us of the unfortunate response your husband had to our mind meld last night. Is the commander available?" Spock asked kindly.
"John is resting at the moment. It is probably best to let him sleep, but I'd be happy to convey any messages to him on your behalf."
"I just wanted to apologize for what he experienced. It was never my intention to bring him harm let alone the mental anguish he must have experienced due to my actions. I believe that he will recover with no complications with ongoing treatments of lexorin, but in the event that he continues to experience any difficulties, we will arrange for him to be seen by our top Vulcan medical practitioners on New Vulcan as part of his ongoing rehabilitation."
"Thank you, sir. I will let him know," Catherine looked down sadly.
"What is wrong, Mrs. Harrison?" Spock asked with genuine concern letting his human half take over.
"You do not have to explain anything as John will tell me everything when he is ready, but he is terrified of becoming like the Khan that you knew."
"Keep reassuring him that it will not happen. After all, he has you," Spock encouraged her. "He did not know you in my time."
"Well, I hope then that I can help him stay on the straight and narrow," she cracked a smile.
"There's an old Earth saying: Behind every great man, Catherine, there is a great woman. I am confident that you will not fail him."
Insisting that he was well enough and given Dr. McCoy's go ahead after examining him that morning, John wanted to proceed with their previous plans to have lunch with her parents and then move into their new home. Per usual, Kestra brought them both new clothes to wear, and after John collected their personal belongings from Commander Neal, the Harrisons were officially released from the security complex. Taking Dr. McCoy's advice, they went to a quiet area of a park to provide John with a less stimulating environment. John rolled his eyes slightly as Catherine was resolute that he wear sunglasses to prevent him from coming down with another headache.
Kestra parked John at a picnic table, and seeing that he did not look well, quietly went about doting upon her favorite little warrior to ensure that he was as comfortable as possible while Dylan and Catherine took a short walk nearby to admire the flower gardens.
"Your birthday is coming up soon, little girl," Dylan started quietly. "Anything specific that you'd like?"
"Nothing comes to mind really. I know that it's not anything that you or mum can do, but I just want John to be well and happy. I just want him to be whole for once in his life. Speaking of birthdays, as he has no idea what his day of birth was, John and I decided to celebrate our birthdays together. I want to do something special for him for his first birthday celebration, and I think with that you can help," Catherine beamed.
"What did you have in mind?"
That evening after Kestra and Dylan had left John and Catherine in their new dwelling, Catherine walked into their bedroom to see how John was feeling. The bedroom had large windows with a view overlooking part of the bay, and John stood once again in naught but his boxer briefs staring out the window. Catherine quietly walked towards him and noted that he was holding his left hand to his mouth deep in thought. Looking at the windowsill, she noted fresh drops of blood. As she got closer lifting her gaze to John's face, she saw a stream of blood running from his hand, down his arm, and dripping off his elbow and realized that he was biting furiously on the side of his closed fist with hot tears streaming down his face.
"John, what are you doing?" Catherine reached to pull his hand away from his mouth. "You're hurting yourself!"
"Catherine," John inhaled sharply slightly startled as he had not heard her approach.
Running and grabbing a towel, Catherine gently wiped away the excess blood and watched as his self-inflicted wounds quickly began to close on their own. "What's wrong, John? Why are you doing this? What are you feeling? Please tell me."
"For an instant I dared to shake off my chains, and look around me with a free and lofty spirit; but the iron had eaten into my flesh, and I sank again, trembling and hopeless, into my miserable self," he quoted Frankenstein.
"What?"
"I don't know what I'm feeling," he started to weep as he sank to the floor on his hands and knees. "I don't understand. Help me understand what I feel," he crawled and latched on to her legs.
Catherine knelt and gently stroked his hair as she focused on sorting through the wide array of emotions he was feeling. By this time, he was sobbing bitterly, completely and utterly broken down and even moaning in the emotional agony he was experiencing. Wriggling out of his grasp, Catherine knelt down further on her knees and cupped his cheeks with her hands.
"This isn't from the mind meld. This is all you tonight, Imzadi," she started to explain as she wiped the tears from his cheeks. "I sense many mixed emotions in your heart right now: anger, grief, confusion, love, and more. I think, however, the greatest emotion that I can sense is complete and utter relief. While you still have not fully come to terms with the punishment you chose for us both, you are relieved. Our family is safe, and you will see them again in the upcoming months ahead. Our daughter is safe, and I am going to be safe, too. For the first time in so long, you do not have to worry about harm coming to those that you love. All the pain you had experienced, all the sacrifices that you made have finally paid off allowing you to take a deep breath and just relax."
"Then why am I so upset? Why have I been brought to my knees as a blubbering fool?" he started to calm down as she embraced him and rubbed his back.
"You're experiencing a catharsis, John. Everything that you've been holding inside of you for the past several months and perhaps even years is finally being released. Think of it as a cleansing. I will not judge you. It is okay to cry, you know," she herself began to sniffle a bit.
"I'm not sure what to think," he sighed in frustration with his feelings.
"Then don't think, John," she held up his hand and intertwined her fingers with his own. "Just breathe," she leaned forward and kissed him lovingly. "Let me hold you and shelter you until you feel strong again."
Early May, John took numerous exams to determine his best placement at Starfleet Academy. It was no surprise to anyone that other than several catch-up courses that he could take during the summer term as part of the Starfleet Academy Preparatory Program, the Superintendant of Starfleet Academy gave John standing as a senior with no hesitation. Naturally, John chose to major in Engineering and opted to also take courses for the command-track curriculum being that he was eager to take the infamous Kobayashi Maru scenario and also the Starfleet bridge officer examination. Despite his ongoing emotional difficulties, John could not help but want to prove his superiority especially if it meant upstaging Captain Kirk. Some of the professors snickered and sneered at his arrogance in attempting to accomplish so much in such a short time at the academy, but others were interested to see how he was going to perform given that he was an Augment. With approval from the Federation Council and Starfleet Academy, Catherine took John's previous suggestion and signed up for classes for counseling.
The Harrisons also resumed their counseling sessions with Dr. Noel. Despite John's cathartic release the evening after they moved out of the prison complex, he continued to be withdrawn even with Catherine much to her dismay. Soon, he stopped attending their sessions completely using the excuse that he needed to study and prepare for the upcoming semester.
"So, how have your nightmares been?" Dr. Noel asked Catherine who was seated across from her on the other side of her desk.
"Surprisingly much improved," she admitted. "I am still having them, but they feel shorter, don't seem as severe, and are becoming less frequent. I understand that given the situation, I had to kill in order to survive. I still struggle at times with that, but I understand that it is not my fault."
"Good. So, where is-"
"Don't even bother asking, Dr. Noel," Catherine got up from her chair and plopped onto the couch in Dr. Noel's office. "John isn't coming today, and I think it's safe to say that he isn't coming anymore at all. I'm so worried about him. I'm starting to think that he's depressed, but as you're the doctor, I'll leave diagnosing him up to you."
"What have you observed, Catherine? Give me your best nursing assessment," Dr. Noel smiled.
"I don't know why but I sense that he feels guilty a lot, and it's like he's out to punish himself. He hides himself away studying constantly. His affect is so flat, and he's been somewhat irritable. It would take the act of a deity to make him smile. He just looks sad, and I sense that he has little hope despite all the good things that are going to happen in the upcoming months," she reported.
"Is there anything else?"
"This is how I know something is wrong: he has had absolutely no interest in sex which is not like him at all! I've tried more times than I can count to get him to bed me, and even when we're laying there at night in bed, I feel like I'm sleeping next to a lifeless log of wood."
"Although it quite sounds like it, without actually asking him further questions myself, I cannot outright diagnose John with depression nor treat him for it," Dr. Noel explained.
"I know and understand. I just don't know what to do. It's like he's lost his spirit. He used to be so undaunted by even the worst that we experienced together while we were in Section 31. He's lost his ability to fight."
"We'll keep thinking on possible ways to help John, but for now, I think it would be a good idea for you both to get away from it all for a couple weeks before you start the summer term at the academy. I've already cleared everything with Dr. McCoy and the Federation Council. You just need to select somewhere to go within reason."
"John won't go anywhere," Catherine scoffed.
"He doesn't have a choice about this," Dr. Noel smiled gleefully. "These are orders from his superiors, myself, and Dr. McCoy."
"I like the way you all think," Catherine grinned. "He's going to be so pissed of about it and downright cranky, but I know just the right place to take him. I also think I know what must be done to stir the coals in his heart as well. I'll be taking a risk. But it must be done, and I need to be the one to do it."
"Just be careful," the doctor warned.
As Catherine expected, John was not happy about being torn away from his studies and being forced to spend two weeks away from civilization. Ignoring his complaints, Catherine packed their bags and began formulating a plan to get her John back. Kestra and Dylan picked them up and took them to their awaiting shuttlecraft that was already stocked with the supplies Catherine knew that they would need for the destination that she selected for them. Besides the fact that he did not want to go, John could care less where she was taking him, so, she kept it a secret.
John sat in one of the pilot's chairs in the front of the shuttlecraft with his arms crossed and brooding, and Catherine could not help but crack a smile despite her concern for his emotional well-being. She put in the coordinates for their destination and set the controls to autopilot. Shortly into their trip, he finally grumbled, "Where are we going?"
"Yosemite. I certainly won't be doing any climbing in this state, but you could always strap me to your back and carry me up El Capitan," Catherine teased.
"I don't want to do any climbing," he snarled back.
"Oh, you will want to do more than that when I'm through with you," she shook her head.
After landing, John begrudgingly set up their campsite outside the shuttle while Catherine worked on getting their lunch. Walking out of the shuttle carrying the tray of food, Catherine stopped as she watched a shirtless, sweaty John chopping wood with an axe. Pushing aside her thoughts of wanting nothing more than throwing aside their lunch and ravaging him right there on the forest floor, she kept a safe distance and cleared her throat to gain his attention to let him know his lunch was ready.
"Thank you," John said curtly taking his plate of food. Catherine sat on a log, and he quietly sat beside her.
"I'm tired of this, John," she briefly lost her patience with him. "Sorry," she winced at her own words.
"Tired of what? Being stuck with me?" he grumbled before taking a large bite of his sandwich.
"That's not what I meant. Just never mind what I said," she frowned trying not to cry knowing what she was going to do to him that evening.
Having spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening in silence with each other, Catherine went inside the shuttle to start getting ready for bed and to prepare herself mentally and emotionally for the task she set for herself. Entering the shuttle having ensured that their campfire was well contained, John came inside to shower and also get ready for bed.
Once he came out of the shower with naught but a towel a round his waist, taking a deep breath, Catherine began her assault. "So, do you think you might be able to get it up tonight, or am I going to have to get off by touching myself yet again? So, what does it take now, a vibrator up your ass?" she flung to him quite possibly the lowest blow she could think of at that moment.
"What did you just say?" John spun around his towel almost falling off his hips.
"You heard me with those Augment ears of yours!"
"How dare you!"
"Who would have thought it? Khan Noonien Singh, one of the most powerful men to ever live, prefers taking it up the ass. I guess that I can't give that to you adequately, so you have no use for me anymore at least in a sexual sense!"
"Are you mad?" he furrowed his brow unsure if he should be concerned or angry.
"When they said during the trial about all the weapons you once had at your disposal, all the power you had within your grasp, I shuddered at the thought and nearly soaked through my panties with how aroused it made me. Now look at you! Cowering in our bedroom surrounded by books and PADDs all the time, the shell of the man you once were. Nobody has defeated you, John, not Admiral Marcus, not Dr. Zineeri, not Captain Kirk, and certainly not the Federation Council! The only person that has defeated you is yourself! You've been your very own Armageddon! I am ashamed of you!" Catherine slapped him across the face as hard as she could. John only stared at her in shock, so she slapped him a second and third time. As she went to strike him a fourth time, John caught her by the wrist.
"How dare you strike me without my permission, woman!" John glared at her with hurt and fury written on his countenance and in his eyes, his hair having fallen into his face. If she had been on Kronos at the time, Catherine would have recognized the same look on his face as the one he had given Captain Kirk when he had struck him over and over.
"Or what, you'll crush my skull with your own bare hands? You haven't the guts anymore! You're a coward!" she taunted and spat at his feet.
With her words, John launched himself at her grabbing by the shoulders roughly spinning her around pushing her against the wall of the shuttlecraft before he did in fact take hold of her head between his two large hands. Catherine held up her hands in surrender and flinched almost expecting him to follow through with crushing her skull when he suddenly pulled her head towards him and instead crushed his lips hungrily and roughly to her own in a ravenous kiss. Lowering her hands to rest on his shoulders and pull him closer, Catherine realized that in his display of anger, John's towel had fallen off and pooled on the floor. She felt his once again proud erection nudging into her belly.
"Do you trust me?" he suddenly broke the kiss and looked intensely into her eyes.
"Completely."
"You will tell me if I am hurting you? You will tell me to stop if need be?"
"Of course," she nodded quickly.
"You do not have any sentimental feelings for any of the articles of clothing you are wearing, do you?"
"No, none."
"Good," he growled lowly and tore at the front of her nightgown to expose her breasts.
"Imzadi," Catherine panted running her hands through his hair.
After roughly lapping at her pert nipples, he spun her around so her back was facing him. Lifting up the bottom of her nightgown and using two hands lest he give her brush burns on her skin, John tore off her panties and felt between her folds groaning upon finding her dripping wet for him. Nudging her legs apart a bit more with his knee, John thrust his member inside of her to the hilt causing her to yelp in surprise and pleasure.
Waiting a moment as she panted and then let out a moan in frustration with his stillness, John whispered in her ear, "Okay?"
"Move, John, please move inside me," she pleaded as she tried to roll her hips to cause the friction she desperately needed.
Complying with her request, John began pounding himself into her, the sound of his flesh slapping off her bottom. Catherine practically squealed in feeling the pleasure of him stretching her, as her pregnancy caused her genitals to be more engorged with blood than usual thus making her all the more sensitive. John wrapped one arm around her to aid in his thrusts and snaked his free hand down around her front to tease her swollen bud causing her to nearly scream in delight upon his first stroke.
Desperately wanting to satisfy her before finding his own release, which was quickly drawing near, John changed his angle ever so slightly and rubbed vigorously away at her aroused bud. Hearing a change in the quality of her moans, he knew she was also getting close to her climax.
"You are my only weakness," John somehow managed to groan in her ear. "Oh fuck, I can't hold on much longer, darling," he tried to slow his thrusts to try to prolong his pleasure and help her reach her orgasm.
"John, I'm going to come!" Catherine gasped before feeling her center clench around his member. To both of their surprises as she had never done it before during an orgasm, clear liquid came rushing from her center running down her legs and his erection.
With her response, John could no longer hold back, and feeling his own release, he bit down hard on the crook between her neck and shoulder as her muscles milked his member and his seed pumped into her center. "Oh god," he released his bite and rested his head on her shoulder as they both gasped for air.
Catherine reached behind her pulling him as close to her as possible. "I finally have my Khan back," she sighed as tears formed in her eyes. "I didn't think our love-making could possibly get any better, but John, that was amazing. You caught me by surprise."
Pressing a gentle kiss to the bruised bite mark he placed on her body, John sighed in contentment before pulling his now flaccid member out of her and turning her around to face her. "You are also full of surprises, my dear," he grinned and looked at the puddle of her bodily fluid on the floor before he used his foot to use his towel to wipe it up lest she slip and fall.
"I know it is possible, but I had no idea that I was capable of that," she chuckled as a tear rolled down her cheek. "Look what you made me do," she teased.
"Thank you a thousand times over," John kissed her forehead. "You knew what it took to stoke the fire in my heart once again."
"And your loins apparently."
"There, too," he laughed.
"Oh, looks like we have a little spy," Catherine pointed to a raccoon who was sitting in the doorway of the shuttle watching them. John grinned and barked at it like a dog causing it to scurry away. Catherine burst out laughing and he shortly joined her.
"It was selfish of me to turn inwards and focus only on my self-pity and self-doubt, and for that, I am sorry. It is still going to be difficult for me, but I think that I can now at least talk things out with you," John shared.
"I'm sorry for my words earlier. It was wrong of me to mock you for what Dr. Zineeri did to you," she blushed recalling her making light of John's rape. "I truly hurt you."
"I know why you said what you did, and I know now that you did not mean it. I forgive you," he embraced her. "Let's get cleaned up, and then, let's go look at the stars for a little while. Okay?"
With Catherine's agreement, they showered together on the shuttlecraft quickly and got dressed in warm clothes. John spread out a blanket, and after helping Catherine get down on the ground, he joined her. As they reclined looking at the starry sky, Catherine could not help but to ask, "How do you feel?"
"I feel," John paused a moment taking a survey of his current emotions before continuing, "I feel young. Yes, I feel young. I feel loved. I feel safe. And I think that deep down I might actually feel hope. How do you feel?"
"Blissful. Sleepy. Maybe a little sore," she elbowed him playfully in the ribs. "I've missed you, you know."
"I think even when I was self-absorbed and in my own dark, little world that I missed you, too."
"Our little one also missed you. She was not as active when you were silent. I was starting to grow concerned. But she's happy now that her papa's back," Catherine pulled his hand to her belly so that he could feel their daughter kicking away. A low laugh rumbled from between his lips.
The next day, Catherine packed a lunch and had John beam her to the flat top of El Capitan where she would await his arrival. Having set up their little picnic, Catherine sat down and thought fondly about the last time they were at this location. Her reverie was soon broken as she saw one of John's hands reach over the edge. She got up to urge him on just as he did for her.
"Ugh, this was harder this time around after having been shot," John grunted out as he worked to pull himself up over the ledge.
"Almost there, darling," she cheered him on.
Soon enough, John finished his climb, and feeling hot and sweaty, he peeled off his shirt while Catherine retrieved for him a cold drink of water. Drinking his fill and feeling rejuvenated, John got up and joined her for lunch. "Well, I broke no records this time around," he shook his head before taking a bite of the apple she handed him.
"At least you pressed on and made it to the top," Catherine smiled.
"That's because I knew that I'd find you at the top," he winked.
Finishing lunch and allowing John to rest a while, Catherine finally spoke, "If you're feeling up to it, can you tell me what you saw in the mind meld with Spock?"
"I'm ready," John nodded. "It was horrible, darling. You weren't a part of that version of my life at all, and my superior ambition led to my ultimate downfall. The Enterprise discovered the Botany Bay and awakened only me. I revived my crew and tried to kill Captain Kirk in an attempt to overtake the ship and launch out an effort to conquer anything within my grasp. I failed and was exiled with my people on Ceti Alpha V."
"You told me never to go there."
"That planet is doomed, Catherine, and that is why we are never to go there. Not long after our arrival on the planet, Ceti Alpha VI exploded and destroyed the atmosphere of our planet. A planet once full of life was turned into a desert. My people began to fall one by one to the eel larvae, and some even tried to turn against me. After fifteen years of hell, the crew of the USS Reliant found us. Needless to say, it did not take much for me to overpower them and commandeer the ship. In that timeline, Carol Marcus and her son David, the bastard child of Kirk, had created her own version of the Genesis torpedo. I lured Kirk in to seek my vengeance and to steal the Genesis device in order to wreak havoc upon his precious Federation before finally settling down again with my people. My desire for revenge and my own madness, however, ultimately led to my defeat. I died alone, a bitter old man. Spock died to save the crew of the Enterprise, so having seen things through his eyes, I am sure that I probably muttered some things that he had said."
"Was there a woman in your life at all?" Catherine asked shyly.
"Yes, but her identity does not matter," he replied quickly not wanting to admit to her that the woman was in fact her friend Marla McGivers. "In that timeline, I thought her to be superior and loved her, but Imzadi, she is in no way comparable to you. She easily succumbed to the environment on Ceti Alpha V, but you, Catherine, are so much stronger and have been through so much worse already. This timeline has not been easy either, but I am all the more happy to have you at my side. She was nothing but submissive. While you allow me to be dominant most of the time and submit to my will, when appropriate, you know when to speak up and defy me for my own good," he smiled at her with love in his eyes. "It is because you are a superior woman and because you understand that you are really my equal."
"I do enjoy allowing you to be dominant, but like last night, I do sometimes like giving it to you good," she felt her cheeks grow pink.
"And you've learned that I like it when you do. I've been so horrid lately that I think perhaps you need to spank me," he leaned towards her as his voice dipped low.
"Oh John," she laughed and playfully pushed him away.
Late that afternoon after they had eaten supper and as the sun started to set, the couple went for a hike in an area that John had selected. Helping Catherine along the path, they could hear the roar of water nearby. Coming upon a clearing, Catherine gasped as she took in the sight of a beautiful waterfall.
"This place is called Wapama Falls. Beautiful, isn't it?" John smiled and wrapped an arm around her shoulders.
"It's lovely! Thank you for bringing me here!"
"Let's get closer," he led her by the hand. Coming to the pool at the base of the falls, he turned and asked her, "Care to take a dip?"
"But I didn't bring a bathing suit," she started to protest.
"Neither did I," he grinned devilishly.
"But surely the water is too cold this time of year," she continued to stall.
Ignoring her excuses, John took off his gear and quickly stripped down completely before carefully wading into the water. "Darling, the water is fine. You will feel invigorated. Come on in!" he shouted back to her.
"What if someone sees us?" she asked nervously.
"You know that you have nothing to be ashamed of in regards to your body, and besides, if I catch someone watching you, I'll pluck their eyes right out of their skull!" he yelled with emphasis. "Come on, Catherine. For me?" he made a goofy face almost looking like a puppy.
"Oh, all right! But if I fall ill or if anything happens in regards to the pregnancy, it is all your fault!" she huffed as she dropped her bag and stripped down until nude. John greeted her at the side of the pool to assist her into the water. "It's cold," she gasped as her teeth chattered.
"You will get accustomed to it quickly," he reassured her and led her deeper.
"Keep me warm," she latched onto him and gently kissed the scar on his wet chest before resting her head on his shoulder.
"I'll do more than that," he pulled her close and kissed her softly. "I love you, Catherine Mae Singh Harrison. I'm sorry if I haven't told you that enough recently."
"I love you, too," she pushed his wet hair away from his eyes before she leant in and kissed him deeply.
Given the recent turn in their relationship, their kisses soon turned fervent leading to them quietly and gently making love to each other in the water, the waterfall drowning out their moans and sighs of pleasure and passion. Noting Catherine was indeed cold as the sun had gone down and there was a slight chill in the Spring air, John helped her out of the water, pulled his coat over her shoulder and quickly grabbed their belongings before beaming them back to the shuttle where they could get a hot shower and some tea.
The rest of their two weeks went smoothly, and Catherine was overjoyed to see John regain his spirit again. As they rode back to San Francisco, he excitedly told her of his plans and hopes in regards to his upcoming brief time at Starfleet Academy, the reawakening of some of his family, and the upcoming arrival of their baby daughter. He agreed with her request and returned to their sessions with Dr. Noel. Having already shared most of what was concerning him with Catherine during their two weeks of shore leave, John finally felt comfortable enough to talk to Dr. Noel about what he had experienced and how it had affected him.
"Your birthday is coming up soon," John remarked one day looking up from the PADD he was studying one afternoon.
"So is yours," Catherine reminded him.
"What would you like? I've never had to buy a birthday gift before," he admitted.
"You, John. All I want and need is you," she smiled.
"Shall I wrap myself in gift wrap and a bow?" he snorted.
"No, your birthday suit will be fine," she winked and walked out of the room.
"I better start looking for an actual gift now, or she'll have me tied down to the bed for her birthday," he smirked and mumbled to himself. "Then again that might not be all that bad..."
A/N: I in no way condone Catherine's method of handling John's depression-like symptoms. Having been through depression myself, you definitely can't just shake someone out of it! If you or someone you love is experiencing depression, seek medical attention!