AN: 1) Sorry I'm slow at updating lately, I'm taking a huuugge licensing exam on Feb 13 and need to study! 2) Warning: there is gun violence in here.

we put a crack in the shadows / and you tell me it's okay to be the light

Amanda drove the squad car back to Manhattan with Dana in the passenger's seat. They had left Hudson University's campus a half hour ago after talking to administrative staff about Christina's case. Dana had been mostly silent, much to Amanda's relief; she didn't want them to get into a squabble about consent with already wary audience. The two detectives hadn't discussed Amanda's explosive reaction to Dana's skepticism about Christina, but she didn't want to bring it up again. Years ago, she would have jumped at the chance to start a disagreement. Resentful of everyone and everything more often than not, Amanda was always searching for an easy target for her anger, like winning a fight would somehow satisfy the emptiness inside of her. Now, she didn't have the energy. Her life consisted of things that left her pleasantly exhausted, but more importantly - fulfilled.

The May afternoon was warm, so Amanda let her free arm dangle out of her open window as she drove. She cast a glance over at Dana, who was intently studying the scenery - and most likely doing everything in her power not to look at Amanda. It made her feel a little guilty, which was surprising, since she typically didn't put much stock into what people thought of her. She knew sometimes she came across as cold, the last remnants of the armor that protected her during the tumultuous years of her upbringing and far beyond, but she didn't want anybody labeling her as heartless.

"It must be nice out like this in LA all the time," Amanda mused.

"Yeah," Dana responded.

"I miss that," she went on, hoping to start a conversation. "It was like that in Georgia, too."

"Uh huh."

"I hate the winter. I'm definitely in the wrong place. Snow is pretty for a little while till it gets all dirty..."

Dana didn't say anything.

Amanda pulled in a deep breath. She could stop talking, or she could simply confront the palpable tension. Blue eyes flickered over to briefly study the other woman's stoic profile. "Do you have a problem with me?"

"Huh?" Dana finally turned to look at her.

"Do you have a problem with me?" she repeated slowly.

"No..." Her uneasy tone was hardly convincing.

"Look," Amanda sighed. "This is awkward for the both of us, isn't it?"

"I just..." Dana crossed her arms over her chest and stared straight ahead, out the windshield. "You know, what Sonny and I had, it wasn't some silly little fling. It was a serious relationship."

She felt a nauseating jolt of jealousy and protectiveness that she wanted to act upon. The satisfaction would be brief, but God, would it feel good to put Dana in her place. Amanda pressed her lips together in an attempt to keep something sarcastic or cruel from coming out of her mouth. "Okay..."

"I just want you to know that," Dana concluded haughtily.

"I never said it was silly. Or little. Or, whatever. But... this is the way it is now," Amanda told her carefully. Stopping at a red light, she looked over at her. "I'm sorry if I... I didn't mean to freak out at you the other day, it's just-"

"I know," Dana interrupted. "I know what you did. I read the case."

I know what you did. Amanda's fingers gripped the steering wheel tightly in an effort to ground herself. She could feel heat creeping up from her neck to her cheeks, a combination of anger and embarrassment. She pressed her tongue against the back of her front teeth, suppressing the urge to lash out at the woman beside her. "Yeah."

They drove the rest of the way back to the precinct in silence.

Amanda dropped from her elbows to lay onto her stomach while Sonny rolled dramatically onto his back beside her on their mattress. Breathless and skin sticky with sweat, she rested a cheek on her folded up arms to study Sonny's profile in the darkness of the bedroom. She felt his hand move over a few inches and give her ass an affectionate squeeze, prompting a satisfied grin to tug at the corners of Amanda's mouth. At six-thirty in the morning, the sun had barely risen, but they had been awake for almost an hour already. Seven o'clock would come quickly- and so would the task of tending to three children - so the moments stolen before the controlled chaos were important. Amanda loved when their sleepy bodies found one another beneath the sheets, everything moving in slow motion until it became all delicious desperation. It was her ideal way to start the day.

Even so: something was off. She felt oddly uneasy despite the fun she had just had. There was an unsettled sensation in her stomach, as if she was apprehensive about something but she didn't know what. "I have a weird feeling," Amanda announced.

"Oh, yeah, that's exactly what I wanna hear after sex," Sonny responded sarcastically.

"No, no, not that. That was great," Amanda insisted hastily, honestly. "It's just... you know when you get a feeling, like something's gonna be... off about the day?"

"Nope," he answered bluntly.

Amanda rolled her eyes. "Well, I have that feeling."

Turning his head, Sonny raised both eyebrows. "Ruby's really made you crazy, y'know that?"

Reaching a hand out, she shoved his arm. "You used to trust my instincts," she scoffed.

"I do trust your instincts!" he yelped, flinching at the impact. "This just feels kinda... ominous. Am I gonna be hit by lightening or run over by a bus or something?"

"No. Just... be careful today."

"You wanna read my palm or-"

She whacked his arm again, harder this time.

"Okay, okay!" he laughed as he squirmed away from her slightly. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 'Course I'll be careful." He rolled over onto his side to face her. "Would you rather be goin' to work than takin' the kids to the dentist?"

"That's a ridiculous question," she grumbled.

"It was your turn," Sonny reminded her.

"I know," Amanda sighed as she moved to lay on her back.

He shifted his body over hers, entangling their legs and resting his weight in his forearms on either side of her head. His skin was warm and his hair was wild, the strands damp and unruly. He kissed her. "I'll make it up to you later."

"Promise?" she murmured.

He smiled against her mouth. "I promise."

Lifting her hands, she slowly and gently raked her fingernails up and down Sonny's bare sides. She shifted her hips, allowing one of her legs to snake around his. Tilting her chin up again, Amanda grazed her lips against his. "Tell me you love me."

"I love you." Another kiss.

"Tell me I'm the best wife you've ever had," she went on playfully.

Sonny chuckled. "You're the best everything I've ever had."

"You're just sayin' that," Amanda pouted coquettishly.

"No way." He sprawled out on top of her, then nuzzled his face into the crook of her neck. "I wish I could just stay in bed with you all day."

"Mm. I wish that, too," she agreed, comforted by the warm weight of his frame.

Unfortunately, that wasn't an option. Eventually they both untangled themselves from the sheets and one another, and while Sonny got into the shower, Amanda pulled on track shorts and a t-shirt. She crept into Ruby's nursery to find the baby smiling in her crib, arms and legs wiggling happily.

"Hey, pretty girl," Amanda cooed as she lifted Ruby up into her arms. "Let's get you ready for the day, huh?"

She went through the motions of changing and dressing Ruby in a striped pink onesie, knowing very well that the baby would most likely require an outfit swap at least once before leaving for the day. The amount of laundry their household produced was astounding without an infant, but once Ruby had been born, it seemed to be never-ending. After popping a pacifier in Ruby's mouth, Amanda toted her across the hall to Jesse's room, where she found her older daughter awake in bed, Fluffy sleeping at her feet.

"Hey, you," Amanda greeted her from the door way. "Want some waffles?"

Jesse yawned and haphazardly rubbed her eyes. "Uh huh."

"Come down stairs when you're ready," she told her.

Moving down the hallway, Amanda carefully opened the door to Luca's bedroom next, bracing herself for what she might find. She was pleasantly surprised to see the toddler sitting on the rug amid piles of Legos and toy cars, playing alone.

"Morning, Lu. You hungry?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yes."

"Come downstairs with me, I'll fix you something." Amanda motioned for Luca to get up, and when he did, he pressed close against her leg in a hug. She smoothed a hand over his head, smoothing the disheveled blonde strands. "Good job playin' by yourself and being nice and quiet," she praised him as they began to walk downstairs together. For the past few months, he had been waking up obscenely early and barging into their room like a human alarm clock. Not only did it scare both Amanda and Sonny out of their skin, it also made them both incredibly irritable when they were forced to start their day at four in the morning.

Once they were down on the first floor, Amanda set Ruby on her stomach on her play mat on the adjoining living room floor so she could watch her and cook simultaneously. She assembled a pot of coffee with Luca hovering at her feet before she situated him in his booster seat at the island with a sippy cup filled with milk. Frannie immediately relocated to underneath his chair, anticipating that the toddler would inevitably drop some crumbs her way.

Waffles were one of the few things Amanda could assemble successfully - mostly because the boxed mix only required her to add water, then slop the batter onto a waffle iron. She usually didn't have time for it given how chaotic their weekday mornings were, and on the weekends, Sonny made real breakfast or they went out. Since she didn't have to go into the precinct and Jesse wasn't going to school, it afforded them the opportunity for a more leisurely meal. She began to pile up a stack of fluffy waffles onto a plate on the counter while Luca happily slammed his sippy cup around and Ruby cooed and gurgled on her play mat. Eventually, Jesse padded down the stairs and climbed up the empty stool at the island.

"Can I have whipped cream on mine?" the little girl asked.

Amanda furrowed her brow in skepticism. "What? No. It's breakfast, not dessert."

"Nana does it for me," Jesse pouted.

"She spoils you."

"How come I don't have school?"

"Because you have a dentist appointment at eleven and you only woulda had a half day anyway. You always have half days on Friday."

"Oh."

Amanda doled out waffles for both children, taking care to cut up Luca's in more manageable pieces for him to eat. She scooped Ruby up from her mat before she started to fuss, then poured two cups of coffee with her free hand. She added cream and sugar to them both, then eagerly took a sip of the warm, caffeinated liquid. Soon Ruby would need to be fed, meaning Amanda would have to sacrifice the ability to drink her coffee until the baby was sated.

Sonny's heavy footsteps came bounding down the stairs and he appeared dressed for work in sleek blue suit. "Mornin'."

"Waffles, dada," Luca announced, holding up his fork.

"I see that!" he responded enthusiastically, as if it was the most exciting thing he had ever witnessed. Moving further into the kitchen, he kissed the top of Jesse's head, then Luca's, then Ruby's before giving Amanda a peck on the lips. He reached around her, snatched up a waffle from the plate on the counter and bit into it.

"How about a fork?" Amanda suggested with a roll of her eyes. "Or a plate?"

"Nope. Don't have time for that," he answered her thickly, mouth full. "Good though."

She pulled open the refrigerator for one of Ruby's bottles, which she had wisely assembled the night before. She shook it up before guiding it into the baby's mouth.

"Everybody's gonna be on their best behavior at the dentist, right?" Sonny asked Jesse and Luca from over the rim of his mug of coffee.

"Yes," Jesse promised sweetly as she licked maple syrup off of her fingers.

"Luca?" He raised an eyebrow expectantly at the toddler.

"Uh huh," Luca nodded.

"How about you, Ruby?" Sonny asked playfully, reaching a hand out to squeeze one of the baby's small feet.

"She doesn't have tooths! She's a little baby!" Jesse giggled.

Sonny nodded with an amused grin. "Ohhh, right, right." He took a few more big sips of coffee before saying to Amanda, "alright, I gotta go. You know how the F train's been a real pain in the ass lately."

"Mm." She adjusted the baby in her arms as she continued to drain her bottle. "Call me later."

"Yep." He slid past her, a hand grazing her lower back as he moved to retrieve his coat. "Love ya."

Amanda smiled. "Love you."

"Have a good day, guys," he called to the kids from the hallway. "See you later."

With his feet up on his desk, Fin asked, "what'd you do with Rollins?"

"She's takin' Luca and Jesse to the dentist," Sonny explained, eyes drifting over the sports section of the Ledger.

Fin snorted. "She lose a bet?"

Lifting his gaze, he smirked. "I had to take them to the doctor last month. Our agreement is that nobody gets tortured twice in a row, if we can help it."

"Hey, everybody?" came Liv's voice as she suddenly burst out of her office. She looked frazzled, phone in one hand, glasses in another. "Everybody listen up," she called out into the bullpen.

The authority in her voice commanded attention. People stopped, turned, and looked at the Lieutenant anxiously - Sonny included. He set his newspaper down on top of his desk to give her his complete focus.

"There's a report of an active shooter at PS 77," Liv explained breathlessly.

"That's only a few blocks away," Fin realized, taking his feet off of his desk and sitting up straighter in his chair.

"We're the closest precinct," she went on. "The call came from somebody inside but we don't know details. The reception is bad in there, the call was dropped. We've gotta go. Vests on, everybody. Obviously."

Sonny had responded to a lot of horrific things as a police officer. Viscous murders, gruesome car accidents, and of course, abominable sexual violence were all part of the job of being in law enforcement. The experiences rented space in his head, but over the years he had learned the importance of compartmentalizing. Sonny loved life - his life in particular - and didn't want his job to cloud all of the good things he was lucky enough to have. He had seen too many colleagues fall prey to those demons, haunted so severely by the trauma they had witnessed that it eroded the edges of even the happiest events.

Nothing could have prepared him for what he saw in PS 77.

When they stormed through the front doors of the school, they found the foyer littered with the shells of bullets and eerily quiet. A middle-aged woman lay dead behind the reception desk. Another was lifeless on the floor near by. As officers fanned out through out the building to locate the shooter, they broke open the first classroom door on the left side of the hallway and discovered a horrifying scene: the bodies of small children were everywhere among turned over desks and chairs, none of them moving, nobody talking. There was an adult, a young blonde woman who had to be their teacher, her blood draining from her head onto the colorful play mat at the center of the room.

"Oh my God," Sonny breathed, frozen in the doorway as he watched fellow officers race from child to child, frantically checking for any signs of life - twelve separate times. They moved aside pigtails and bowl cuts and shoved clumsily-made friendship bracelets away from wrists. They darted around the room in sickening silence; there was nobody to yell for because there was nobody left to save.

He felt like his feet were trapped in cement, his gun hanging loosely at his side, people rushing around him hastily. He couldn't stop staring at the bodies on the floor, at the kids. Their eyes were bright and wide, their little hands still clung to colored pencils and lined paper, and if it hadn't been for the vivid red blood, it would almost look like they were merely frozen in time. Sonny couldn't help but think: when those children were stumbling out of bed that morning, bleary-eyed and eager for breakfast, none of them could have ever anticipated that their life would end in their first grade classroom. Death didn't make sense to children, so how could they succumb to it? What did God want with a slew of innocent five-year-olds - while adult murderers, rapists and terrorists remained alive and well?

Someone would have to tell their parents.

Sonny felt a wave of nausea at the realization; he did not want to be that person. It was different if a child died of a disease or in an accident, because while there may not be a good explanation for those events, there was no malice involved in that sort of tragedy. This, on the other hand, was murder. It was cold, cruel and calculated. It was a violation of a space that was supposed to be kind and nurturing, an act intended to cause an intense pain that lingered as people asked why? and never, ever received an answer.

A door at the back of the classroom was ajar. It was Fin who looked beyond it to find another space littered with the lifeless forms of six more children and two adults. "This is him, we got him!" Sonny heard Fin shout. "He's dead. Bastard shot himself. Got his semiautomatic right beside him."

Sonny didn't want to see the perpetrator. Instead, he turned around and sprinted down the hall to the next room, but found it locked. Back up officers were beginning to swarm the building, but he didn't ask for their help. He slammed his shoulder against the door to force it open and found an empty classroom, although books were on the floor and chairs were tipped over, indicating that people had left in a hurry.

"NYPD! Anybody in here?" he called cautiously.

Nobody responded.

He progressed further into the space cautiously. He felt his heartbeat quicken when he noticed that there was a closed door at the back of the room; anything could have been behind it. He banged on it with his fist and tried the locked knob in vain. He kept his gun at the ready as he shouldered his way in; Fin may have found a shooter, but that didn't mean there wasn't more than one. The door swung open with a loud 'crack,' revealing a three-stall restroom. Huddled on the floor was a group of ten children, all of them wide-eyed and afraid, clinging to one another as they cowered. Their teacher, a young brunette woman, dropped to the ground in front of them with her arms outstretched, as if that would somehow protect them from a spray of bullets. They all shrieked in response to Sonny's violent entrance.

"It's okay, it's okay! I'm the police. You're okay," Sonny explained hurriedly, eyes wide in surprise as he lowered his weapon and shoved it back into the holster at his hip. "Hey, we got kids alive in here!" he yelled over his shoulder, hoping somebody in the hallway would hear him. "Everybody up, okay?" he instructed the group, trying to keep his voice level. The wheels in his mind were turning frantically as he tried to devise a plan. "I'm gonna get you outta here. Everybody... everybody hold somebody's hand and, and we're gonna walk. We're gonna walk outside but we're gonna keep our eyes closed while we do it, okay? Can we all do that?"

The teacher rose to her feet, instructing her students shakily, "come on, guys. Come on, stand up."

The group of children hesitantly joined her, but none of them moved.

"We gotta be quick, okay?" Sonny explained.

"Like a... like a bunny?" a red-headed girl asked timidly.

He felt his heart jump into his throat. Amanda used to say that to Jesse when she was younger and Sonny had always found it sweet. You gotta be quick like a bunny! she would remind the perpetually-distracted toddler. Move that cute little tail! "Yeah. Yeah, like a bunny." He managed a smile, "what's your name?"

"Erin," she told him.

"Erin? That's a nice name. I'm Sonny," he replied gently. He heard shouting and a stampede of footsteps echoing outside of the classroom and tried to ignore it. Somebody yelled, we're all clear!, but it didn't offer the relief Sonny anticipated it would have. Short of shoving the kids out of a too-small window, he would have to navigate the carnage in the hallway with all of the students in tow. He didn't know what had transpired in the minutes he had been in that bathroom, but he was confident none of it was pretty. It was bad enough that the children had violently lost their peers, he didn't want them to have to witness the horrible aftermath, too. They would be traumatized forever. "Now, Erin, you're gonna hold my hand and we'll start the line, okay?" he instructed the little girl. "But when I say shut your eyes, everybody does it, okay? Shut your eyes and just keep walkin'."

Erin looked to her teacher for reassurance, then nodded.

"I want you at the end of the line, alright?" Sonny told the teacher.

"Okay, everybody. Let's do what the nice police officer says," the woman said, tone filled with a lightness that was betrayed by a quiver in her voice. "I'll be right behind you."

Slowly, the children took one another's hand to form a sloppy line. Their teacher held onto the last little boy, while Sonny gripped Erin's small fingers tightly. "Okay, that's a great line. I can tell you guys have done this before, huh?" Sonny praised them with all the brightness he could muster. "Here we go." He began to guide the string of children through the classroom toward the doorway. "Eyes closed, everybody. Don't open them till I say."

The hallway seemed to go on forever. The school was crawling with SWAT officers and EMTs in addition to all of the people who had come from the 16th precinct, all of them darting in and out of rooms, checking for survivors. Flanked by law enforcement, adults and children sprinted ahead of them, desperate for the front door. Sonny kept a firm grip on Erin's hand, especially as they passed the classroom where so many of her young peers lay dead and the front foyer where two administrators were lifeless, too. He kept looking back at the line he was leading, the first graders blindly following him, tripping over one another as they did their best to follow his directions. Even with their eyes closed, they all looked terrified.

When they were finally outside, they were met with chaos. Not only were the police everywhere, but the media and public had begun to surround the site despite the hastily assembled POLICE LINE - DO NOT CROSS tape. It was Dana and Liv who helped shuttle the children into the nearest SWAT van, crowding them all into the vehicle to shield them from the scene. None of Sonny's colleagues were looking one another in the eye, just going through the frantic motions of good police work. Their feelings were too much to add to the pandemonium; their role was to be strong in the midst of a public tragedy.

Sonny could see people gathering on the other side of the yellow caution tape, hysterical as they begged officers maintaining the perimeter for information about the well-being of their own child. He closed his eyes briefly in an attempt to steady himself, but all he saw were flashing images of those small, bullet-riddled bodies. Were there more? Had they missed somebody?

He had to go back inside.

"Mine!" Luca exclaimed, hands greedily grabbing at all of the magazines on the waiting room table in the Midtown dentist's office. "Mine... mine... these mine."

"Luca, no. Don't mess all those up," Amanda pleaded, scrambling up from her seat to keep the toddler from destroying everything he touched. Grabbing him beneath both of his arms, she hoisted him up so she could set him on her lap once she found her chair again. "C'mon. You've just gotta hang in there till Jesse is done." She smoothed a hand over his mass of blonde hair and tilted her head to look down at him. "What should we get for lunch, huh?"

He toyed with one of the strings of her navy zip-up. "Ice cream."

"Ice cream?" Amanda repeated with a laugh. "Not after we just got those teeth scrubbed."

Eyes on Ruby asleep in her stroller, Amanda kept Luca contained until Jesse reappeared, the little girl's t-shirt covered in animal stickers.

"I did a good job!" Jesse explained, puffing out her chest so her mother could admire all of her rewards.

She raised both of her eyebrows at the sight. "Wow, you leave any for anybody else?"

Jesse shrugged. "Mama, can we visit daddy and Fin at work?"

"I don't know, Jesse... they might be busy."

"Pleeeease?"

"I don't-"

"Pleeeease?"

"Alright, fine. For a few minutes. Then we gotta go, your sister is gonna get hungry."

It was a short and familiar train ride to the station, and once they were all in the elevator that brought them up to the precinct's third floor, Amanda asked Jesse and Luca, "remember the rules about bein' at mama and daddy's work?"

"Keep hands to yourself and use our... inside voice," Jesse recited.

When the silver doors slid open, the precinct was remarkably empty. Luca held onto Amanda's hand while Jesse hovered at the side of Ruby's stroller as they approached Officer Riley at the front desk. Tim Riley was nearing retirement and content to remain in the squad room as opposed to running around on cases or doing patrol. Amanda had always liked him because he was kind and even-keeled. He was confident enough in his thirty years of experience to only interject when his knowledge could be helpful, not just to hear the sound of his own voice.

"Hey, Rollins," Officer Riley greeted her. "What are you doing here on a day off?"

"We just came by for a quick visit..." She looked around, confused. "Where is everybody?"

"Ah, there's been..." Riley looked uneasy as he trailed off, his gaze flickering between the two older children.

Amanda got the hint. "Hey, Jesse? Take your brother over to play at mama's desk, okay? Don't break anything," she instructed, giving them both a nudge in the right direction. Once they were out of earshot, she looked at her colleague expectantly.

"PS 77 had an active shooter. Didn't you see the news?" Riley replied, voice low.

Her eyes widened in shock. "Oh, no... no, I was at the dentist with the kids then we got right on the train..."

"Everybody who responded is fine," he assured her quickly. "But..."

"But?"

He grimaced. "There's a lot of fatalities. So far there's sixteen kids dead."

Her stomach turned. "Oh, my God. What the hell happened?"

"Dunno yet. Shooter is dead, though." He sighed and shook his head dejectedly. "I feel bad for those visiting detectives, having to be a part of all this. We're the closest precinct, so we were the first to respond."

Amanda couldn't imagine the chaos that was happening mere blocks away. Sixteen fatalities was huge, and the fact that they were school-aged children? That sort of devastation was profound. Most likely SWAT was involved by now, providing back up for all of the 16th precinct officers, but Amanda felt an obligation to help her coworkers: "I should get down there."

"Rollins, don't hurt me for saying this," Riley began gently. He glanced over his shoulder at Jesse and Luca, then back at Amanda with noticeable sadness in his eyes. "But... I don't think you wanna go. The kids he killed, they're young, like yours. All the media and the parents, they are all starting to show up and getting news on who's alive or dead. I'm not saying you can't handle it, but... maybe you should be glad this is your day off."

She met the older man's gaze. Usually, a comment like that would have set Amanda's blood boiling, insulted by the insinuation that her role as a mother meant she couldn't handle things just like any other police officer. That day, however, she felt oddly relieved. So often she wanted to be right in the middle of the action, but absolutely nothing sounded exciting about bearing witness to such a tragedy. Her stomach twisted at the thought of those children, of their parents, and her soft-hearted husband in the middle of it all.