CHAPTER 36

She stares idly out her drawing room window, book in lap, deep in thought. She thinks on her father, her aunt, all of her friends and even Mr. and Mrs. Howard in town. Theirs is a union made from convenience and not love, and they get along amiably well. Indeed, they are even something to be envied. She also thinks on their opposites; Mr. and Mrs. Gray. They, like the Howard's, are together for other reasons, all of which don't involve love. They are in their fifties now with no children, relatives scarcely visit them, and her neighbours rarely call on them. Individually, they are the nicest people, but when in each others company, they turn into something much to be loathed. She physically shudders thinking about their rapport… or lack-there-of as the case may be. She couldn't bear living with someone she despises so much, let alone marrying them! She supposes that is her sole fear… marrying someone she will grow to despise. She of course would never marry someone whom she already loathes, but forever is a long time, and marriage is a lifetime commitment.

Her mind conjures an image of Mr. Noir, Alice's beloved cousin. She can easily see why he is Alice's favourite. He is kind, considerate, most handsome, his accent even has a whole bullet-point dedicated to it and most importantly; she gets along famously with him. His humour, his ideals and values all match hers equally. She attempts to conjure an image of what their coupling might be like, but her brain refuses to comply. A sickening feeling is all she can summon… not to mention how dirty she suddenly feels. She is quite shocked by her body's sudden change, she has never felt such a thing! She purses her lips and tries to identify her sudden change in feelings toward Mr. Noir. She has never felt uncomfortable around him, but she has never taken the time to think of such a thing about him either... not truly. She again tries to conjure an image or feeling incited by Mr. Noir, but all she feels is familial love. Yes! that is it! She has no doubt she could easily love Mr. Jacob Noir, but the relationship couldn't be anything intimate. She breathes a sigh, somewhat disappointed, but also relieved. At least she now knows her foreign feelings toward him, but she cannot find happiness in the knowledge that they will forever be unsuitable. She liked having many options, and to eliminate a most viable suitor pains her.

Silence screams at her once again, and in a way she has never experienced before. Silence has always been her friend, and for it to now turn on her shows just how restless her mind truly is.

She thinks back to Alice's words quite some time ago now, she had said to her that she should be in no rush to marry. She has the better half of a decade to find a suitor and if Isabella thought herself sensible, she just may take that advice, but she can not. All she can think about is her spinster aunt. Even a short time with love like her fathers is better than her aunts fate. No! she simply can not wait, she wants companionship, and the silence weighing her down will never abate again. She was blinded by youth and ignorance before, but now… now she sees. She sees that she will continue to withdraw, she sees that her aunt is just a mirror waiting to happen, and she sees that she needs to act. This short time alone to think may be beneficial, but it is also painful, and she vows she won't be alone like this for much longer… whatever the sacrifice.

Her brain, without prompt conjures Captain Cullen, but she isn't ready to resolve her feelings on him yet, so she conjures the second Captain in her acquaintance; Captain Whitlock. She has only seen him a total of three times, and all three times they conversed quite amiably. He is certainly handsome, no doubt. She does not have so much in common with Charlotte, but that is hardly anything to signify. She hasn't quite been able to make out his character properly though, and he has hinted that he may be interested. He also hinted that he considers financial gain higher than love, but that isn't to say he hasn't a heart. She is quite at a loss with Captain Whitlock, she simply hasn't enough acquaintance with him to speculate her feelings toward him.

'Miss Swan?'

She snaps from her thoughts and greets her guest, 'yes Mrs. Banner?'

'A letter just arrived by servant, should I place it with the rest of your correspondence, or do you wish to read it now?'

'I will have it now, thank you.'

'And is there anything I can get you? tea perhaps?'

'That will be divine, thank you Mrs. Banner.'

She reads her name on the front in the familiar scrawl of Alice. Perhaps it is word that they have all finally arrived at Henders Hall. It has been three weeks since Dr. Cullen left Swanfield, and three-and-a-half since the party was organised in London.

'I wonder if they are to hold that ball they were speaking of.'

'Here you are Miss, is there anything else?'

'No thank you Mrs. Banner, this is great.'

She sips lightly, her mind again returning to Captain Cullen. She can not say that she doesn't like his attentions, she would most certainly be lying if she did. It is when he gets pushy with his affections and makes lewd comments filled with innuendo that makes her uncomfortable. If she truly wished him to cease however, she would have been much firmer with her conviction… but she was not. Could he really be the one she is looking for? Could her lack of thought regarding him have blinded her? does she really not close herself off as much as she thought? He certainly observed more than she gave him credit for. She can't exactly deny that she likes his teasing either, and she enjoys returning remarks of such nature. She wonders then, why she had agreed to dance with his father in his place. Was it to tease him? to hurt him? She can not say for certain, and she knows it was quite rude of her, but he is just as much so in her presence.

'Well Alice, lets see what it is you have to say.' She opens the letter and reads it thoroughly, twice. It seems her suspicions were correct, they have arrived at Henders and are requesting her presence for dinner. She sighs, for no other reason than relief. She couldn't bear being alone much longer; she has been replaying the same thoughts over and over in her mind for the past three weeks. At least she will be firm with the decisions she has made. No one could ever accuse her of lacking conviction again.

She puts her book aside, finishes her tea and walks over to the small desk in the corner. With quick, consistent flourishes, she pens an acceptance letter and addresses it to Alice.

With new vigour and hope, she bounds up the stairs to get changed into something far more befitting.