So it's 5 months later and I am finally updating. I am so sorry if you thought I was not finishing this story! This isn't the end either. Please know I won't ever just stop writing this story. Unless I specifically say it's the end, I'll come back. It just might be a while. Thanks for sticking with me! I don'
Blaine fell asleep eventually, though he had to have Kurt's body wrapped around him and anytime Kurt tried to move Blaine would jerk awake and cry out as if he was being tortured all over again. So Kurt didn't move, He laid there awake for hours, knowing the nightmares would come and wanted to dissipate them before Blaine had the chance to fully wake up. It worked for the first couple nightmares but then Kurt fell asleep as well around 3:30am, exhausted from the hell of the day. He awoke to being kicked away, and Blaine screaming and begging for it to stop. Blaine fell into the floor and the shock of the fall woke him up but the dream was still too real and he crawled into the corner, sobbing softly, his arms covering his head.
Kurt cursed Himself for falling asleep and carefully walked over to the whimpering sub, whose despair only got worse at the sound of approaching feet. Kurt paused,
"Zuri," He said calmly. "Can you look at Me?" His voice was gentle and cracking slightly from sleep but Blaine knew whose it was. he looked up at Kurt who smiled worriedly but didn't move.
"Hi," Blaine whispered.
"Hi," Kurt replied.
"i'm sorry," Blaine continued.
"For what?" Kurt asked quietly. He honestly wasn't sure what to do. How could He fix this, how could He make Blaine feel safe again?
Blaine looked at Him helplessly and shook his head,
"Freaking out," he muttered.
"Do I look mad?" Kurt asked. Blaine shook his head again, looking up at Kurt who indeed didn't look angry. "Can you stand up for Me?" Kurt gave the choice but Blaine still rushed to do as requested, climbing to his feet and standing at attention, waiting for the next words to be spoken. I love you. I'm so sorry this happened The words stayed in Kurt's head and Blaine continued to wait to hear them. "Do you want to go back to bed, or would like Me to fix you some tea?" Maybe if Kurt had told Blaine He was fixing tea, as opposed to giving Blaine the option, maybe both of them could have settled down and gone back to sleep. Instead they tossed and turned all night, both torn between holding on to the other and never letting go and wanting to give each other the space they thought they wanted. Neither wanted the space, they wanted to cling and to be clung to, but guilt made them silent and trauma made them need to scream.
Blaine woke up when it was finally light outside cuddled into something; he thought it was Kurt until he realized it was too cold to be Kurt. Then he heard Kurt's voice, or rather His sobs and Blaine ached at the sound.
Kurt sniffed, letting out one last moan before continuing the conversation with the person on the other line.
"What am I supposed to do? Just pretend it didn't happen?" Kurt asked, His voice breaking and cracking.
"Of course not," Burt said, "But if You treat him like he is made of glass, that's not going to help anything either."
"It's not that's simple," Kurt retorted. "Every time I look at him all I can see is-"
"How You failed him," Burt finished. But Blaine didn't hear that part, and he imagined it being finished with "all I can see is how dirty/used/ruined he is," and his eyes filled with tears.
"Exactly, and I told Rachel that if what was best for him was letting him go I would do it, and-" Kurt said and Blaine felt like he'd already been kicked out and he let out a whimper that even he found pathetic. Unable to bear it anymore he buried his face in the pillow, cutting off the sound of Kurt's voice.
"I can't let him go, Dad, he deserves better, and the idea of letting him go makes Me want to… Like Adam hurt, You know how messed up I was, but this is a whole new beast, this is…" Kurt put His face in His hands.
"Have You considered telling him anything of this?" Burt asked.
"I don't know… I don't know what to tell him, or say to him. What do I say? I'm the reason you got tortured and raped and I'm sorry? How do I ask forgiveness for that?"
"First of all, Kurt Hummel, You are not the reason this happened to him." Burt said firmly but Kurt couldn't bring Himself to believe it. "Is this about not stopping them?" The silence on the other end told Burt what he already knew. "If you had done more, they would have done worse to him, they would have-"
"How could they have done worse?! You didn't see him dad! They broke him and I do not know how to put him back together." Kurt sobbed again.
"So don't," Burt said, and Kurt stopped sobbing.
"Wh-what?" he stuttered.
"If that boy is not worth fighting for, if what you two have isn't not worth fighting for together, then send him back to hole You found him in." Kurt was completely speechless after Burt said those words, talk about tough love, it literally gutted Kurt to think about.
"Point taken," He muttered.
"Is it? I understand You are hurt and upset and I would be too but can You imagine how he feels? he was ripped from subspace, something he just got comfortable going into, only to be subjected to the abuse that reminded him of five years of his life. Five years of beatings and rape and never being good enough and You do not get to decide it's now too much to handle," Burt was scolding, and Kurt didn't want to be scolded.
"Dad-" Kurt whined quietly.
"When Adam died You crawled into Your shell, You quit being the Dom You are and I let it happened because I knew it's what You needed, but I will not let that happen this time. That sub NEEDS You more than You need to wallow."
Kurt didn't know what to say. His father had just chastised Him like He hadn't been spoken to since He was a child. Kurt felt like a child too.
It was easier said than done though. He hung up with His father and went into the bedroom. He froze at the sight of Blaine laying on the bed, naked, his ass in the air his hands folded behind his back.
"Zuri, wh-what are you-?" Kurt said, walking up to His sub. Blaine didn't move or say anything but just lay there, waiting. Kurt didn't know what to do and Blaine didn't know how to say he didn't want it but didn't know what else to do anymore. he wouldn't survive being kicked out and even if he was used and dirty, he could somehow show he was at least still a warm hole.
The whelps were worse today than they had been yesterday but that was normal. Kurt gently touched Blaine's thigh, hating the feeling of Blaine tensing under His gentle hand.
"Is this what you want?" Kurt asked softly, Kurt didn't know if it's what He wanted or needed but Kurt wanted to give Blaine the option, maybe Blaine needed this, needed sex to still feel…whatever he needed.
"i want whatever You want, Sir," Blaine said meekly. Kurt shook His head and looked at the still damaged hole between Blaine's butt cheeks. It would hurt him, sex right now wouldn't do any further physical harm but it wouldn't feel good.
"No, we can't," Kurt said determinedly. Blaine whimpered quietly, trying not to cry. he understood, but it hurt to be rejected. "Come on, sit up," Blaine obeyed Kurt's order and refused to let the tears slip down his face even as his breathing was erratic and shallow. "Hey, I love you more than anything, which is why I can't put you through that," Blaine hiccupped as Kurt gently pulled him to Him. Blaine was exhausted, a restless night mixed with the subdrop that hadn't fully left had Blaine's eyes drooping as he slouched against Kurt who held him as if He would never get to hold him again.
"I don't know what to do baby," Kurt whispered. "I don't know how to fix this," He admitted quietly, unsure if Blaine was awake to hear Him.
"me either" Blaine admitted. Kurt exhaled quietly and wondered if Blaine was agreeing maybe letting him go could be what was best for both of them or was he just saying he was lost and confused too. Before Kurt could find out for sure Blaine grew heavy in his arms and fell asleep. Kurt leaned back and pulled Blaine back carefully and laid back on the pillows with Blaine using His stomach as a pillow. Kurt lazily ran his fingers through Blaine's curls.
The rest of the day was spent much in the same way, quiet cuddles, sleep intermittedly thrown in, but the entire day Kurt made sure of one thing, never was there a time where skin to skin contact wasn't being made. He even took Blaine to the bathroom and refused to leave his side, not that Blaine complained. When they ordered lunch Blaine was latched to His side when He answered the door. Slowly they started feeling better, the sub drop was being soothed by the constant contact and soft words of love and approval, maybe everything was going to be okay, maybe Kurt was going to keep him.
Blaine had drifted to sleep yet again in Kurt's arms when Blaine began squirming and moaning softly,
"no-please-please-stay-need stay." Kurt looked down at him, his face was contorted in pain and distress. "sorry-sorry-need You-nooooo!" Blaine screamed and sat up in panic, panting frantically.
"Blaine," Kurt said quietly but Blaine let out a sob and curled away from Him, tears streaming down his face.
"i'm ruined and i'm sorry. i'm dirty and disgusting and please don't make me go, please i'll do anything You want, i'll be whatever You want just please. i need You so much and i-" Kurt knew He should have taken it a little easier but instead He grabbed Blaine who cried out but He held on and started sobbing.
"you are in no way ruined. Or dirty, you are beautiful and I love you and I love you in this moment more than I ever have." Blaine exhaled shakily.
"i heard You tell the person on the phone this morning that You thought letting me go would be best for me and I thought-" he claimed. Kurt shook his head,
"No, baby, I was saying I told Rachel that but I didn't think I could do it Myself. I was going to let you go only if there was someone to take care of you and I thought you wanted to leave, I couldn't protect you and thought you didn't feel safe anymore. I don't ever want to let you go, Blaine, not ever." Blaine stopped crying and pulled away just enough to look at Kurt.
"Not safe?" Blaine whimpered. Kurt pressed His forehead against Blaine's,
"I let those men take you, I let you get hurt. Doms are supposed to protect their subs and I failed Adam and now I failed you," He explained through His tears.
"But-" Blaine whimpered, nuzzling into Kurt, "That's… that's not what happened," he whispered unsure of where he stood. Kurt let out a shaking sigh,
"I took too long, they- I left you tied when I answered the door and-" Blaine buried himself in Kurt's arms.
"i've only ever felt safe in Your arms. You make me feel safe. They came in and took me, You didn't let them. i-i- never thought what happened was because of anything You did," Blaine reported quietly. Kurt blinked slowly,
"Zuri," He whispered. Blaine looked up at Him and smiled gently,
"i love You," Blaine said.
"I still feel like I've failed you. I haven't handled the past 24 hours very well," Kurt let out a heavy sigh.
"And I have?" Blaine asked quietly, burying his face in Kurt's chest.
"It didn't happen to Me," Kurt responded. Blaine sometimes forgot that Dom's felt just as much as subs, and they felt guilt, and pain and failure just as strongly as subs, they just didn't show that to their partners.
"Yes it did," Blaine whispered. "It happened to both of us, like a car crash, just because I had more injuries doesn't mean you didn't go through the fear and trauma that i did." Suddenly Blaine realized that Kurt was crying and the tears were falling onto Blaine's head and neck. "Bwana," Blaine murmured but the gripped on him just tightened. Kurt couldn't remember feeling so much relief and there was nothing to do by sob and hold Blaine.
It took Blaine a moment to notice Kurt was whispering something over and over.
"-you thank you thank you thank you thank you," He said rapidly.
"i love You," Blaine said under his breath.
"And I love you so much. Hey what do you want? We'll do anything you want." Kurt swore, kissing Blaine's temple. Blaine looked up and nuzzled his face into Kurt's neck.
"i want to marry You," Blaine said, he hadn't meant to say it aloud. When Kurt froze, Blaine realized Kurt had heard he'd inhaled sharply. "I just mean-"
"Did you just propose to Me?" Kurt asked in shock.
"i-i uh, i um" Blaine stuttered, it wasn't his place, he was a sub, it wasn't his place to decide if he deserved to be married or not. Still, he wanted to explain, "it's just- they kept asking me who i belonged to and i couldn't bare to say anyone but You, i know what they wanted me to say but even when it hurt so bad i could barely remember my own name, i still managed to say Yours, over and over. i want to be Yours, forever and i know this isn't how it's supposed to happen this way but i just-"
"We'll go get rings, engagement rings, we'll both wear one," Kurt said softly. Blaine looked up in surprise to find Kurt smiling gently.
"i know i'm not the one that's supposed to be proposing, i didn't mean to say it but-" Kurt chuckled softly,
"We've never been traditional in this relationship, I'm completely happy with being proposed to," He smirked. Blaine smiled shyly, looking at their left hands that were now joined,
"So that's a yes?" he asked. Kurt rolled His eyes playfully and pulled him into a kiss, still being careful and aware of what they'd been through. There was a part of Kurt that wasn't sure they were talking about this because of what they'd just faced and how they both needed to be reassured that the other wasn't going anywhere. But marriage to Blaine wasn't a new thought to Kurt, true they'd been together less than a year but that didn't mean anything, Blaine was the air He breathed and any thought of the future always included Blaine and marriage was the next step.
"Of course I'll marry you," Kurt answered when He separated their lips just enough to speak before rejoining them. He could feel Blaine smile and He ginned back their lips no longer pressed together but their faces still just as close.
"Can we play?" Blaine asked and for a moment is was all either of them wanted but then Kurt remembered the whelps and the wounds.
"Mmmm," He kissed Blaine long and deeply, "Not yet, baby, let's let you heal." Remembrance and pain flashed over Blaine's face and he nodded, Kurt gently cupped his face in His hand, "It's not that I don't want you, baby, it just wouldn't be safe and it wouldn't feel good." He explained carefully. Blaine sighed,
"i know, i just got caught up," he said sadly. Kurt kissed his face,
"It's completely okay, I did too," He reported. Blaine nodded weakly and laid his head against Kurt. he was going anywhere, he wasn't being rejected or cast out, in fact he was going to married to this person. MARRIED! The ordeal was over, though the wounds both physical and emotional lingered. They both knew the physical would heal long before the emotional. Still they had each other, and the knowledge that the other wasn't going anywhere and didn't want to go anywhere, was a better salve than anything you can buy.
Klaine wedding! Well eventually… This road isn't going to be as smooth as the ending of this chapter so don't get too excited.