Title: FB- Camping
Author: Enide Dear
Pairing: Valenwind, Lozoo, Renaj
Rating: some blood, not much
Dedication: Idea by :iconbondofflamesviii: Thank you!
A/N: Moral of the story? Don't throw berry baskets on grizzly bears
The early morning fog had laid a glittering sheet of water crystals over the delicate spring green of trees and bushes; as the sun slowly rose they shone in a million sparkling colours, enough to rival any materia. A few birds had started singing, their voices an echoing, heartbreaking loneliness in the deep wilderness and on the other side of the lake a family of deer had ventured down to drink.
Kadaj looked out over the pristine forest and crossed his arms over his chest.
"This sucks," he whined.
"Oh, cheer up kid!" Cid boffed him cheerfully on the shoulder as he came walking past, his steps brisk and pulling deep breaths of what would have been clear morning air if he hadn't had the cig in his mouth. "It's good fer ya kids ta get out into free nature a bit. And we even let ya bring a toy!"
"Yeah, he's real fun." Kadaj snarled at his lover; Reno was squatting by the fire, so close his boots were smoldering, his hands over the little fire, looking even more cold and depressed than Kadaj did and pulling his own cig desperately in an attempt to get some warmth into his lanky body.
"I hate this!" He growled, shivering pathetically. "What the Hell use is streetsmarts when there ain't any streets? This is just green and wet! Everything is wet! My hair is wet, the bed cloth is wet, the food is wet, I swear even this fucking fire is looking soggy!"
"*Really* fun," Kadaj sighed. Not even the fact that he'd been allowed to bring Souba out here could cheer him up. "Look, we're city people, why do we have to go *here* on a vacation?"
"I don't know why you are whining so much." Vincent sat on a log, looking surprisingly comfortable in the wilderness. "You and your brother spent weeks in the Forgotten City. That isn't exactly the liveliest place on Gaia."
"But at least that was indoors! We were dry. We weren't sleeping on the ground under some stupid piece of leaking cloth!" Kadaj glared at the tent he and Reno had shared a very miserable night in, despite being more or less forced to sleep on top of one another because of the cramped spacing.
"My head hurts, and every fucking muscle I have is aching." Reno added, staring gloomingly into the dying fire. "And I'm feeling sick!"
"So no worse than your usual hangover, then?" Vincent asked mildly.
"Yeah, well, at least when I'm hung-over I know I had fun the night before!" Stabbing at the fire with a stick, Reno only succeeded in killing it faster; it seemed his usual pyromaniac abilities ended at the city boarder. "Tseng snickered when he granted me leave for this 'vacation'. Snickered! Tseng!" He spat in the fire. "Rude laughed his ass off." He added, hurt at the lack of compassion from his colleagues.
"Rise and shine!" Cid shook the last tent, whose inhabitants hadn't yet moved to greet the day. "Get yer asses up and out, boys!"
"Go away – we're dead." Yazoo groaned from the inside. "Or at least whishing we were."
"Oh, stop being such sissies." Cid rolled his eyes. "We got breakfast ta catch! C'mon Loz, I'll let ya gut the fish."
"I don't want to get up… wait, I get to gut something?" Loz sounded slightly more interested from inside the confines of the tent.
"Yep. Now get out before I find a skunk and throw it in there."
Loz and Yazoo finally crawled out, looking if possibly even more morose than Kadaj and Reno.
"Coffee." Yazoo groaned. "Need. Coffee."
"No coffee," Vincent said with a hint of sadistic pleasure. "Nothing we can't get ourselves. That's what living of the land means."
"No coffee?" Yazoo gasped in utter horror. His brothers instinctively took a step away from him.
"I've been stacking." Reno smirked, looking slightly more like himself and pulled out a small bag of ground beans from a pocket. "Coffee, cigs, chocolate…What do you have to trade for it?"
"I won't break your arm if you give it to me!" Yazoo snarled desperately.
"Reno, we told you only to bring survival gear." Vincent frowned.
"This *is* survival gear!" Reno protested.
"How did you smuggle all of that out here anyway? We went through your stuff." Vincent sighed.
"You *really* wanna know?" Reno battered his eyes in mock innocence.
"On second thought, I think I'll skip coffee today," Yazoo looked sick and made a gagging noise.
"I duct taped them up under the car, you pervert!"
Down by the lake, Loz was quickly getting more and more disenchanted by the idea of fishing, even if it meant he could gut them afterwards. The mosquitoes down here where as big as a fist! Maybe not his fist, but most likely Yazoo's. As big as Kadaj's, no doubt. And just as stubborn and stinging.
Captain Highwind had pulled out two rods, hooked a worm on one, and then sat down on a log with a long 'ahhh' sigh of pleasure. The little cork on the other end of the rod bobbed in the still water. Several other corks where bobbing from the brim of his hat, presumably to keep away the Kadaj's – fist – sized mosquitoes.
For a very, very long time nothing happened except Loz belly rumbling louder and louder and the chorus of complaints from his brothers - and Reno, whom Loz assumed he had to feed as well, or Kadaj would never let him hear the end of it - at the camp growing louder.
Loz lost his last scrap of patience.
"Loz, no!" But Cid's protest came too late. Loz had gone down on his knee and shoved Duel Hound deep into the water – electricity spread over a huge part of the lake and several fried fishes bobbed to the surface.
"Breakfast," Loz said with a smirk. "Is served."
"Yeah, ya bet." Cid sighed. "Look at yer legs."
Loz looked down and screamed in horror.
"Leaches!"
Vincent took the opportunity to quietly withdraw as the youngsters started to devour the fried fish as if they hadn't seen food in weeks, making an unholy fuss when they found an undercooked piece despite the fact that at home, they gladly ate sushi. And worse.
Away from the camp he felt the tranquility of the place wash over him, sooth his worries and ease his stress. He took a deep breath and let go of it, watched it pearl as it condensed in the still cold and crisp morning air. He smiled. Much as he loved his rag-tag family – and Cid, especially Cid – he needed this solitude and peace once in a while.
He found a small opening where the sun shone down and laid down on the dry patch of ground, soaking up the spring light. He was just going to relax for a minute, just close his eyes and listen to the lazy droning of insects and feel the sun on his face…
Vincent Valentine fell into deep sleep. But what awoke was something else.
"Picking berries," Kadaj muttered, savagely decapitating some innocent ferns on his way. "What am I, little Silver Riding Hood?"
Listlessly he pulled a few pink berries from a bush and threw them in the basket. He had no idea if they were edible or not, but they couldn't possibly cause as much ruckus as the mushrooms Reno had found. They had been shriveled, blue veined little things and Kadaj had no idea why Reno had been so happy to find them nor why captain Highwind had forced him to throw them on the fire, refusing anyone to taste them. Kadaj smacked a mosquito that had found its way to his delicate skin and now was flying around harassing other mosquitoes and glowing faintly mako green.
Nature! There were just too much of the bloody stuff.
A cold thought struck him and he turned around. The little path he'd been walking had turned into a deer track some while ago and making the mistake of all rookies in a wood, Kadaj had just assumed that a path needed to lead *somewhere*. The terrible thought washed over him that this needn't be so; a path needed just to *start* somewhere and then gently trail of into the undergrowth.
He had no idea how to get back.
"Could this possibly get any worse?" He shouted and flung the basket into the bushes.
That was when the grizzly bear rose, berry basket being torn to pieces in its massive jaws.
"Yazoo, get down from there!" Cid growled and stared up at the middle brother.
"I am not!" Yazoo glared back. "There's *bugs* down there! Spiders and bugs and spiders and, and, and *things*! With legs!" He waved at Loz's legs and arms, still covered with round, bloody marks where he'd torn off the leaches. "Look at that! You want that to happen to me to?"
"I don't want to fight with you, Yazzie." Loz said nervously. "But you can't stay on my shoulders this entire time."
"Why not?" Yazoo dangled his feet, one hanging down each side of Loz's neck as he sat perched on his shoulders. "It's not as if you're not strong enough."
"No, but…"
"But what?"
"Well, what if you have to pee?"
"Wait, where is Kaddy?" Reno rose, dusting of his trousers – or rather slapping off clumps of mud. His Turk uniform looked the worse ever and he doubted it would ever get clean.
"I sent him picking berries. What the Hell have you been doin'?"
"Nothing." Reno tried to hide the chocolate paper by stepping on it.
"Right. Give me that!" Cid scowled and held out his hand, but Reno hissed back, losing all patience.
"No fucking way! You are not *my* father figure!"
"That's right, 'cause if I were I wouldn't gladly leave you in these woods when we're going home! Now give me the damn chocolate!"
Sulkily, Reno surrendered the rather melted but still delicious bars. Highwind needn't know he had more stacked away in the tent.
Suddenly Loz and Yazoo tensed, their eyes getting a faraway look.
"Kadaj is in trouble!" Yazoo snapped out of the emotional bond and jumped down from Loz, his concern overriding his distaste. "We need to find him!"
"How?" Reno paniced.
"Where are those damn demons when you need them?" Loz whined, but no one had time to look for Vincent.
It wasn't as difficult to find Kadaj as Reno had feared; all they had to do was follow the bloodstains – which thankfully were red, with no hint of mako. After a few meters they found Souba, lying discarded on the forest floor, red blood on the blade. Getting increasingly more and more frightened, the four males tore through bushes and brambles, shouting and yelling, but there was no answer.
They came upon the angry grizzly amongst a stand of trees, the huge lumbering animal prowling and snarling, still with black cloth hanging from its claws. It turned and roared as they came, rushing against them with the force of a small tank. A bullet between its eyes put it down before it came near enough for close combat.
Yazoo kicked the dead bear he'd shot.
"I've got a dead bear here." He turned to Reno. "That has got to be worth at least one candy bar."
"A dead bear? What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?" Reno looked appalled at the carcass. "I'm keeping the chocolate, yo."
"I don't know! Sell the skin it to Rufus and he can keep it in his office and use it to screw his employees on! It sounds like his tasteless idea of fun."
"Wait, have ya been blackmailing my boys fer candy?" Cid was not going to like Turks any better after this trip, he could tell.
"This ain't blackmailing! This is just teaching them about market economy!" Reno defended himself.
"But where's Kadaj?" Loz question brought them back to reality and the horrible sight of shredded black cloth and huge jaws.
"Kaddy? Kadaj!" Forgetting all about the hovering Highwind wrath, Reno started shouting, quickly followed by Loz and Yazoo whiles Cid started to survey the sight.
"I'm…I'm up here." Came a tight voice, wobbling as if it didn't know if it wanted to be heard or not. "Go away!"
"What? Kaddy!" Reno spun around, but there were no sight of his lover.
"Go away!" Kadaj's voice wailed, distraught.
Confused as to the direction of the voice, they all looked up. Kadaj was peering out behind the bought of a huge tree, probably standing on a branch.
"Kaddy? Are you alright?" Reno shouted up. "What happened?"
"It attacked me! I wasn't prepared!" Kadaj blushed. "I dropped my sword and had to flee up here."
"Didn't you hear us callin'?" Cid waved at him. "Get down here."
"No! I don't want to!" Kadaj blushed harder. "Um."
"What? Why the Hell not?"
"I…wasn't fast enough. The bear…it um, caught some of my clothes. My pants." Kadaj's head looked like it would explode. "If I hadn't torn them off it would have gotten me!"
"Are you saying…" Yazoo snickered wickedly, "are you saying you are stuck *naked* in a tree?"
"I'm not naked!" Embarrassed and angry Kadaj threw a twig at him, but Yazoo neatly side stepped it. "I'm just…not wearing pants!"
"Oh, we're sorry. You are just stuck in a tree – naked were it *counts*!" Loz doubled over, laughing.
"Ya just be glad it ain't a coniferous tree," Cid chuckled, relief from seeing his youngest 'son' alright making him giddy. "Or we'd be pulling needles from yer ass all afternoon."
"I hate you all!" Kadaj howled distraught, clutching on to the tree. "I'm never coming down!"
Reno finally managed to coax the un-amused Sephling down from the tree with the promise of being allowed to use his jacket as cover until they got back. Wrapping the blue jacked around Kadaj's lean waist wasn't easy as Kadaj kept throwing death glares at his brothers who just couldn't stop laughing. Loz at least tried to hide his snickers behind his hand but Yazoo showed no such restrain as he saw the jacket flapping around his little brothers legs like a makeshift skirt.
Finally, Kadaj snapped. With a carefully placed foot and a well timed hip-punch, he tripped Yazoo who fell heedlessly with a squark.
There came a soft *splat*. And from the mud Yazoo rose, trembling with wrath as the cold, squishy mud slowly seeped into his clothes, his ears, his nose and his hair.
"What's wrong?" Kadaj smiled evilly. "You just *love* mud masks at home."
"I'm going to – " Yazoo started but was interrupted by Loz, who stared into the woods.
"What the Hell is that?" He said with frightened awe.
The apparition was covered in mud, twigs and leaves, far more so than Yazoo was, its nose was red and swollen and there was a stench around it that could have made a skunk give up and go home. It was shaking with pent up anger, tearing at the itching leaves and swearing under its breath.
"….Vince?" Cid said doubtfully, holding his ground even as the others took a step back to avoide the horrible smell.
The usually so neat gunman was recognizable only by the glowing red eyes, but his anger wasn't directed outwards.
"I go to sleep," he hissed, "I go to sleep and relax for *one minute* and what happens?"
"I honestly have no fucking clue…" Cid started but Vincent wasn't listening.
"You are supposed to be demons! You are supposed to be a horror and a scourge to the world! You are not – and I'm talking to *you*, Death Gigas - *not* supposed to be picking flowers! Especially not carnivorous ones that bite back! I almost lost my nose to that bloody plant!" Vincent raged, oblivious of his audience and still pulling out leaves from inside his shirt.
"Eh, Vince? Darlin'?"
But Vincent was in full hissing spat.
"And *you*, Hellmasker! You want to saw down a tree, fine, but make damn sure there isn't a bee nest in it! A chainsaw is *not* an efficient weapon against bees!"
"Honey buns?" Cid's voice was quavering slightly.
"Don't you *dare* laugh, Galian! What the *hell* did you find to roll in? I smell like something twice dead and three times buried!"
"Vincent Valentine!" Cid roared in exasperation.
"What?" Vincent said distractedly, gingerly touching his swollen face.
"Ya have half a snake hanging from yer mouth…"
Scowling, Vincent reached up and pulled out the tail end of what had probably once been a rattlesnake.
"A snake does *not* count as a snack, Chaos!" He wailed, but reality must have finally kicked in because he jerked his head up and looked at the stunned crowd staring at him. He took in Kadaj's lack of trousers, Loz's multiple leach wounds, Yazoo's slim frame covered with mud, and Reno's chocolate covered face.
He blinked.
"What on Gaia happened to you? You don't even have demons!"
"They're quite able to screw up all on their own, Vince. Are ya alright?"
"No! I reek like a slaughtered, rotting pig, I have bee stings everywhere and my nose was almost digested by a plant!" Vincent crossed his arms. "We're going home, we're there's food and hot water and some salubrin to put on these stings!"
"But our vacation!" Cid protested.
"Cid we haven't been out here for a day yet and look at us!" Vincent waved his claw. "Kadaj isn't even wearing pants any longer! Wait, *why* isn't he wearing pants?"
"Long story that…" Cid sighed. "I jest wanted ta spend some time with my family, that's all."
"I know." Vincent started to put an arm around the morose blonde, but realized how he smelled and pulled back with a sour face. "And it was a wonderful idea, and you are a wonderful man to want that but…I think we're all better off in an urban jungle. But, if you really, really want it….we'll stay. For you."
Cid glanced around at his morose family; dirty, bleeding and pant-less.
"I can get you rooms at the ShinRa Plaza Hotel,yo," Reno offered, seeing an opening as the pilot hesitated. "Just the two of you. And I can take care of Kadaj. And Loz and Yazoo get the house for themselves. Everyone wins."
Four pair of eyes watched him with dire expectancy.
"Yeah, alright then." Cid gave up, faced with the full force of pleading looks. "But," He held up a hand before the cheering could start. "I want *one* barbeque evening tagther first! Don't worry, we'll have it at home."
"With beer?" Reno shone up.
"And meat?" Loz added eagerly.
"And corn?" Kadaj batted his eyes.
"And coffee?" Yazoo whined.
"Yeah, sure, all of that…coffee?" Cid queried.
"I don't want to have *any* meal without coffee from now on!" Yazoo said stubbornly.
"Sure, whatever."
"Great!"
Watching the four youngsters bounce down the path, eager to get home and gorge themselves, Cid couldn't help but smile.
"See?" Vincent put his arm around him. "It doesn't take much to make them happy."
"I guess not…hey, Vince?"
"Yes?"
"When we get home…need some help ta clean up?"
Vincent kissed him.
"Always."
"Good. But, eh, ya know I love ya, right?"
"Yes?"
"Ya might wanna floss out the snake first…."