Chapter 37

Sane Love

"Hummel, if I tell you something, then will you hate me for it?"

"…what did you burn, break, destroy and/or fuck this time?"

"You always think me evil and sinister. That's rude, Hummel."

"Sebastian, you blackmailed my brother with a photoshopped photo, and you also seemed to have slushied my ex-boyfriend, so yes, I think you evil and sinister."

"Sheesh. Blackmail and slushie a guy one time and suddenly, you're a bastard."

"Sebastian, what is the point of this conversation? And what are you going to tell me?"

"I wanted to ask you if you loved me."

"What brought this on?"

"…nothing."

"Oh my goodness, you have feelings for me."

"Hummel, please. To have feelings, I'd had to have replaced the black pit in my chest I call a heart. Also, I'd have to start taking my medicine again, which I refuse to do."

"I always knew you were bipolar. Nobody can be sexy and still watch the lacrosse game when we're having sex."

"That was one time."

"Six."

"Five and a half. I didn't get to finish one of those games because you decided to orgasm and your scream covered up the victory made on my team!"

"…so, Sebastian, what prompted you to ask me if you loved me?"

"I was eating a cheeseburger and decided that I loved it, so I thought 'hmm, maybe Hummel loves me as much as I love this delicious cheeseburger with large fries and a Coke'."

"…what a lovely, dramatic epiphany. I believe that it is so romantic that I'm slouching over my counter with tears in my eyes."

"I wondered why you were crying."

"I'm crying because you still exist."

"Awe. So you do love me."

"I don't love you. Actually, I believe that I love you just as much as Rachel loves singing in the background."

"That Melon girl?"

"Berry."

"…no, her boobs aren't berries. They're melons."

"…SEBASTIAN. YOU'RE GAY."

"What? I'm gay, but it doesn't mean my eyeballs have been surgically removed from my eyelids and I can't tell when a woman has boobs the size of my ego."

"…I don't think they've quite invited a cup size big enough to fill that. Point is, Sebastian, I love you as much as Blaine likes eating sushi."

"Blaine actually enjoys seafood. He loves them so much he also ate my goldfish."

"What? But I took him to a sushi restaurant, and he said that he hated sushi."

"…well, Hummel, when you wear a skirt like that for a date, I'll trade a spleen before I decide to be seen with such a horrible case of gayface."

"—it was a kilt. Anyway, I love you as much as your Dad likes gay people."

"…my Dad joined PFLAG, Hummel, when I was six. Before I even knew I was gay."

"I was always under the impression that he hates gay people because whenever I walk into the house, he starts bawling his eyes out."

"…that's because he'd rather have me having sex with a drug addict than someone who wears the same shoes as my Mother. He can already tell he'd have to give away all his riches when we're planning the wedding."

"…okay. I love you as much as I love being gay-bashed."

"With what you wear, honey, I think you want to be gay-bashed half the time."

"…I don't love you. Sebastian, you are a horrible bully. You can very well be Bloody Mary."

"Well, I am an avid Christian."

"…what?"

"I'm Christian."

"You have a religion? I always thought you worshipped Satan."

"Well, I did have sex with you."

"…Sebastian. That isn't funny."

"No, it's comedic brilliance. I should be a comedian. I can make people laugh."

"Or small children cry."

"It's not my fault they can't take the smallest joke about Barney being a big, purple prostitute."

"I hope you never reproduce."

"…another thing I want to tell you…I do have a child. Her name is Star actually."

"…Sebastian, you're fucking joking. What demon did you produce? Is this why the world is ending at 2012?"

"…don't make fun of my baby."

"I'm slightly interested in seeing her, but fear that I may retch. After all, these shoes are new."

"I'll show you making fun of my Star…"

"…I'm actually slightly afraid of this."

"Do you love me now, Hummel?"

"No, Sebastian."

"You have to prove my love to me. Come and kiss Star."

"…Sebastian, is your cock named Star?"

"…yes. Why?"

-After sex-

"…I may never be sane again, Sebastian."

"Hey. You did say that only insane people can love me. Do you love me?"

"No, Sebastian."

"…hmmph. And I was going to buy you a cheesecake."

"…"

"Hummel?"

"Sebastian, I love you."

"I have that on tape! See, dear David?! People can love me too and they can be completely and utterly sane too! Ha!"

xo Peanut Butter/Sam