A/N:This chapter may or may not have a few words from Breaking Dawn. I understand this is different than Breaking Dawn in a few ways but I wanted it different. No complaints please. No copyright infringement was intended.
36. Burn
Normal POV
I sat in the meadow alone feeling the bright sunlight hitting my skin warming me completely. Leaning my head back I soaked in the sun with a smile on my face. Suddenly, something grabbed my hand clutching it to their chest with a strength that gained my attention. The smile fell as I turned my head to the blinding diamonds that sparkled along Edward's chest. Blinking past the brightness I took in his smile but his eyes were worried. "Bella?" he asked with tenderness but also with worry. I smiled at him, "Edward, what's wrong?" He narrowed his eyes at me, "Why did you do it?" I stared at him my smile faltering, "What?" I was confused. What was he taking about? He shook his head before glaring at me his eyes turning black, "Why did you do it? Why did you let Mike kill you?!" I stared at him confused knowing I was alive and sitting right beside him. I looked down suddenly feeling the intense pain from my abdomen. My arms instinctively covered my stomach but there was blood, so much blood. It almost gushed from my stomach. I tried to stand but dizziness took over making me shake.
My eyes searched for Edward but I couldn't find him. He was gone. The meadow no longer looked bright and sunny. The sky had turned dark scarier than a horror flick. Thunder rolled and I looked down to see the ground was brown, all the flowers dead. There was suddenly a pool of blood along the cracked ground of the meadow where I saw a small body lying in the pool of blood. Carefully I crept toward the blood my heart hammering against my chest. Standing over the body I reached down trying to brush the blood away from the face of the small body. In the pool of blood was a tiny baby with the face of Mike Newton.
Suddenly the thunder rolled again and lightning struck as rain fell from the eerily dark sky. I jumped looking up to see a figure standing over the baby. The rain came down so hard but I didn't feel cold nor did I feel the water. The figure standing above the baby revealed their face to be Mike but he looked different. His hair was brighter and his skin was pale. He suddenly looked at me a sadistic smile on his face and that's when I noticed that his eyes were no longer blue but blood red. "Now you'll be with me forever," he said before raising the gun that appeared at his side and fired in my direction.
The pain was crippling. I felt as if my entire body had been submerged in a river of acid. My body felt like it was charred down to the bone. Trying to reject the pain did not work as the pain consumed my entire body. I couldn't even feel my flesh I was confident it was gone completely. The agony stripped away all conscious thoughts. I couldn't think past the blaze of pain. Tracking the time became practically impossible as I tried to separate my rational thoughts. I became to know that the stronger the pain meant that it was reality, that this was my reality. Though when I could think past the ache I began to wonder why I hadn't died yet. This was worse than death, it shouldn't take this long to sub come to a fiery blaze.
There was another feeling. A feeling that was so strong it nearly rivaled the fire consuming my soul. It was that feeling of knowing something else was more important than the pain I suffered, but couldn't remember. I hated this painful reality that I was forced into. It was hard to believe that just before this pain filled world, I was with the love of my life.
Edward.
He, I could remember. I concentrated past the flames that licked at the edges of my mind to picture his face. His beautifully sculpted face that had to be made from marble was at the forefront of my mind. With his beautiful face at the front I was able to think past the flames, past the enormous pain. Before the blaze there had been that sense of peace that overwhelmed me for a moment. It was such a remarkable feeling that I wanted to let go, to relinquish my hold on this earth. The only thing that stopped me was Edward. Knowing that I had him I could not leave him alone. I had to be there for him there was something we both needed to take care of.
The last thing I could even remember was running through the Newton house. I couldn't quite remember the reason. At one point I felt pain from multiple places. From what I could recall from the Newton house there had been glass in the floor when I fell slicing my hand, but there was something more important. A much stronger pain resonated from my abdomen but there was pain a little higher up as well. I couldn't move from my place as I lay there on the floor of the Newton house. That much I could remember fading in and out of consciousness. I was immobile on the floor trying to stay awake trying to cling to the last of my life.
I remember fading out but something brought me back. It was the movement of my body as I was bounced around. The movement caused the pain to skyrocket and it didn't cease even after I was still. The pain was awful but it was nothing in comparison to the fire that blazed through me now. I wanted to open my eyes when I heard voices but they were so murmured, so low that I couldn't make them out. One of them had to be Edward or Carlisle, maybe even Mike, but I couldn't tell the difference. The voices sounded too similar to each other that it was difficult to follow. Though, I felt cool hands against my heated skin the pulling and cutting against my flesh. I barely even felt the pain then from whatever was happening to me most likely due to medicine, morphine probably.
If it were at all possible the pain kicked up a notch. My entire attention was devoted to the pain, my concentration torn from what I could remember. I wanted to scream to lash against this awful horrible pain but I was immobile. My entire body seemed frozen or at least out of my reach. I had zero control over my own body. That was taken from me in the fire. The fire started quickly that it nearly choked me. I could barely remember when it first started as that sense of overwhelming peace covered me. The pain was receding and finally I could leave the place of the pain. I would never have to deal with the pain again in my life. The peace promised me that whispered to me that everything would be alright that I just needed to let go.
Then before I could let the peace take over, I was snatched back by a pain I never felt in my life. It started in my chest, a small blaze that took my breath away. I was so overwhelmed by the blaze in my chest that I forgot everything else concentration and pushing it away. Hoping my body would extract whatever awful pain was burning through me. The flames began to lick up my limbs at that point sliding through my veins so quickly. I tried to scream but nothing came out past my lips. I was screaming so loudly inside my own head that I felt I would go mad with voices and pain inside my head. The pain was so awful that I just wanted it over just wanted to be back in my safe place.
The blaze seemed to get wilder and brighter stronger than ever. The pain was so much that I floated into the darkness that promised an escape.
My hand floated in the air above the flowers as I giggled. The wind blew past me as my hair flew with the breeze. I continued walking feeling the damp grass against my toes. "Bella?" someone called me. I froze turning around to see a woman walking toward me. I couldn't see her very well as she stood so far away and the sunlight glared down. Something was sparkling shining like diamonds from her direction and I couldn't for the life of me figure out why she was sparkling. She was finally standing in front of me and she lowered down to her knees before me. My eyes widened seeing her beautiful thick brown hair and porcelain pale skin that glimmered and shined in the sun.
"Bella, you need to remember. It's important that you remember what you've forgotten. Otherwise, you'll lose yourself in this place…" she said. I stared at her confused wondering what she meant, "Who are you?" I asked nervously. She smiled lifting her hand and placing her finger against my chest. It was in that moment that I noticed her yellow golden eyes glowing as she looked at me. "I'm you, Bella. Only if you remember, though. If you don't remember you'll lose everything that we've worked so hard for," she told me.
I was a little shocked because this woman didn't look like me. She held herself higher more pointedly than I ever could. She stood back taller than I expected with an impeccable dress that stopped just at her knees. Her skin glowed and shimmered in the sunlight. "What do I need to remember?" I demanded confusion coloring my tone. She frowned staring at me, "I cannot tell you, Bella. You must remember on your own." Suddenly the sky darkened again as she stood with a smile, "you will remember, I promise. You just have to fight, Bella. Fight harder than you've ever fought before." Fighting sounded so hard something I never done before. All those times that Mike hit me and scarred my skin I never fought back. I wasn't even sure if I knew how to fight but according to myself there was something that I had to fight for.
There was that feeling that if I didn't fight it would all end. The sky released the coldest rain ever and my different-self stood scarily against the dark sky. "Remember, Bella! Think hard past the pain!" She screamed before something swallowed me whole.
The blackness was receding as reality consumed me. It was getting harder and harder to stay in reality. I wasn't sure how long the flames burned relentlessly along my body. My body had to be nothing but charred remains by now. As the blackness receded and reality blazed at every corner memories were floating inside my head. There was a conversation I remembered having with Carlisle in his office. I couldn't remember exactly why I was in his office but the conversation surfaced for me to cling to.
"So, Bella you wanted to know what to expect from the transformation?" Carlisle asked closing the manila folder on his desk. Edward was out of the house while I was seeing Carlisle for a checkup today. Normally he looked over me every day today was more of a personal matter than a medical matter.
The transformation had been a tough subject with Edward lately. The only person I knew in the house that would tell me things from a medical perspective besides Edward was Carlisle. He knew everything there was to know about vampire venom and any complications for a transformation.
"I've talked to Edward about this before. He respects me decision, I think, but he struggles with what he is. I don't quite understand it. Since he's that way he won't tell me anything about the transformation. The only thing I've come to understand is that there will be pain, immense pain at that. It will be like nothing I've ever felt before. I want to be prepared for whatever may happen," I explain.
Carlisle nodded but his expression seemed pensive, "There are many things about Edward that are hard to describe. Since this is your decision and you need to know all the facts before you make this decision. Edward has strong values that pertain to the times in which he was born. I'm sure you've noticed some of his values with how he carries himself and how he protects you. Though, there are some that are not so easy to see that can only be felt or discussed. Edward hasn't told you my story and it's nice that he hasn't because my story is quite long. Shorting the story, I was the son of an Angelical pastor that hunted out vampires. I can admit that he wasn't good but I was when I was sent out. I found a real vampire but in the process of discovering him, I was bitten. I hated my existence for a very long time, I tried almost everything to kill myself. I even tried to starve myself because I refused to hurt anyone. The thirst was incredible I came close a few times to just giving in. Though eventually I gave in on a herd of deer that passed me and that was how my hunting began. I make it look easy being a doctor while having a thirst for human blood. I have never tasted human blood in my existence and I don't believe I ever will.
"Edward believed at one time in a heaven and hell. The concept of a soul invaded most of early discussions after he was turned. Edward believes himself to be a monster. He believes he doesn't have a soul that he has been damned because of what he is. Since he believes this so much, he hesitates with you on this subject because he feels he would be damning your soul for eternity. Before you say anything, if you believed as Edward does, could you damn his soul?"
In all honesty I never thought about it that way. I was silent for a moment before I spoke again, "I never saw it that way. I don't believe anyone in this house has been damned. Everyone makes mistakes, though you've all gone against your nature to become something greater than what you are. Carlisle, you could never be damned. Edward, either, because all of you all love with the strength of a thousand hearts. This is not the end for me I see the transformation as a way to save me. If something goes wrong Edward knows that this is what I want." Carlisle looks at me for a long moment before nodding.
"Alright there are some things you will need to know in preparation. You have to understand that the venom from vampires is deadly to animals which make it so easy to hunt from animals. We don't have to worry about accidentally creating another vampire. Depending on how much venom is pumped into your bloodstream the transformation can last between two to five days. The transformation is endured by indescribable pain which is very close to being described as being burned alive," Carlisle confessed pausing for a moment to look at me. So that must have been the reason Edward believes he was damning his soul because of the burn. The burning was probably the closest thing to his personal hell. Carlisle continued once I nodded, "The venom makes its way through the body toward the heart. It will pump again and again in the heart until it starts to meet itself in the veins. Then it will burn all the veins until the heart stops beating. The venom is thicker than blood so it moves slower which prolongs the transformation making it long-lasting. The entire process is slow; the venom has to saturate every cell in the body before the process can be completed." Carlisle explained. I had to hand it to Carlisle he was explaining this from an entire medical perspective.
I bit my lip at the idea of all the pain. "Is there any medication that might make it better?" I inquired. Carlisle gave a grim frown, "No, I don't believe so. I believe morphine might be able to do something but it won't stop the pain. I believe it will only immobilize you." I stared quizzically at him, "Immobilize? Why would that be necessary?" "Almost everyone kicks and screams during the transformation. It would be hard to incapacitate you in the beginning," Carlisle finished. All this knowledge was buzzing around my mind, "What about after the transformation? What can I expect?"
"During the transformation if you can hold onto certain good memories they will help. After the transformation some memories will seem hazy and fuzzy it's good to hold onto good memories. They can keep you sane during the whole thing. It will give you something else to think about besides the burn and get used to the changes taking place during the process. That way you don't forget yourself or others like the rest of us here. Most certainly to remember the reason we are here in the first place," Carlisle said with a smile. I saw his eyes flicker downward.
I gasped. My child! I had completely forgotten my child, the other reason that I had to fight. My other self was right. My child was important and one of the only things in my life that I would fight for. I would pull through for my child. All the other information from the conversation also came into my thoughts. It was getting easier to concentrate on a single thought without the burn capacitating me.
The transformation is endured by indescribable pain which is very close to being described as being burned alive.
No! That meant that I was undergoing the transformation. My child wasn't even full term to my knowledge. This couldn't be happening. Maybe Edward had managed to save both of us in the end, he knew my wishes. He knew I would them to take of my child if it meant choosing between us. I had to believe that Edward had done as I asked. As I thought about my child and the feelings I had before, I remembered that I could fight. I had managed to get away from Mike once I realized I was pregnant. My child gave me the strength by getting me out of that horrible relationship. Now I would show my strength by making it out of this by hold on to who I was at heart. That also meant concentrating on the best memories I had inside my head. All the memories of the past few months were my favorites but I didn't want to forget Mike or my parents. Despite everything Mike had ever done he was the father of my child and I had to remember the good parts of him. Eventually my child would ask and I would tell them about their father leaving out the details that brought me to death. No child deserved to know that their father tried to kill their mother.
There was the time that Mike took me out to dinner the first time. He was tripping all over himself with his blue eyes so bright and happy. I would remember that mike not the Mike that had abused me for almost a year. I would only remember the best time of him for that was what he deserved. The times when he kissed me ever so faintly that made me feel like I was the only girl in the room. That look in his eyes when he first told me he loved me, not the times he threw back in my face after a beating.
Then I would remember my father. The one person had kept me in reality during the worst times of the abuse. If it hadn't been for Charlie I would have done something so stupid early on, but had to push through everything to make it for him. Charlie was everything to me and I probably never told him that. I knew between the burn of the flames that I would probably never see him again. If the thirst was going to be as bad as I half expected I would not put him in danger. Though I worried how I would protect my own children if I couldn't even stand to be around them as of yet.
Carlisle hadn't managed to give me any pointers on life after the transformation but I had a clue that it wouldn't be easy. He was right in one aspect, Carlisle did make it look easy, almost all of the Cullen family did. I saw how Jasper struggled even if he put on a strong façade I knew he struggled with my presence constantly around him. I only hoped that my child would not smell anything like me that it would only be easier on Jasper or the entire group for that matter to care for them.
My mother that had practically acted different thanks to my pregnancy I would only remember the good side of her. I would remember her many clubs she started but never finished, all the places we visited before finding home in Arizona. I would never get to see her sunny house in Florida but I was content with that. She had her life and I had my own. As I thought about everything I realized most of the actual procedure was erased from my memory. Only flashes of images remained and I was grateful despite everything. I didn't want to know everything that happened though I suspected it had to do with Mike.
The last thing I could even remember before the burn was earlier in the day lounging around the house. I remembered the feel of Edward's shoulder underneath my head. The beautiful melody from the piano as his fingers delicately played a tune. I couldn't even remember getting up from the piano it was like my entire thoughts were centered on the happiest time of my life. I knew my death to come at a cost though after all it didn't take a genius to realize that this was Mike's doings. After everything I had managed to do to get away from him he still brought my death closer. He probably wasn't the only one at fault because no matter what Mike ever did I still cared about him. Mike had always been a friend even before we became romantically involved. I would always care for him maybe not in the same way as romantically but Mike was forever intertwined in my life before of the child that grew inside of me.
Suddenly I realized as thought that the burn wasn't as fierce as it had been. I listened and felt closely noticing how the thumps were lowering. That sounded much like a heartbeat. I pushed past that sound listening as far as I could possibly get.
"I don't how much longer we can do this, Carlisle…" I heard a voice trail off.
The voice sounded familiar and I dug deep in my fading memories for the owner. Edward. He sounded much different but I knew it as him. I would always know his voice over all others.
"You've got to give her a chance, Edward. She can fight, we've all seen her fight. She stayed alive and upbeat through all those months of abuse. Then to break away for the life of her child, the only good thing to come out of that relationship, Bella is the bravest person I have ever met. She's overcome a lot, and from this moment on, you will both overcome everything together," finished another voice.
It was so hard to push past the flames as they quickly retreated. I realized that the flames were fighting against me and my mind was getting tired already. I was trying so hard not to lose myself to remember everything that made me who I was. I was tiring so quickly that the darkness took hold yet again.
When the darkness finally released me I realized that I would not return to the darkness again. Everything felt different. I couldn't put my finger on what was different. It was much easier to hear voices past the flames which licked at the edges of my thoughts. As my thoughts returned images flashed but they were becoming harder to see as if through a veil. The burn was receding a little bit as it wasn't as strong or heated through my body as before. It barely noticeable just to me as it was a pinprick of heat gone from the tips of my toes.
"It should be anytime now, Edward…" I heard a voice. The idea that this burn would be over had me almost dancing with joy inside my head. Though I worried about my baby. Would I even be able to hold my child without the fear of hurting her? As the time continues and the flames receding little but little I regain control over my limbs. With control comes the fear. The fear of hurting someone most certainly Edward. I know he struggled with changing me, making me like him. It couldn't have been easy and I could only be grateful that the morphine Carlisle injected me with kept me immobile.
Suddenly I feel a tugging as the fire wages on inside of me.
"I don't know what she'll think though, Carlisle. It will be a surprise that's for sure. She won't be expecting it," Edward says. I know it's his voice which continues to tug on my hand. I hear the faint chuckle of Carlisle which warms my heart. "Bella, if you can hear me, please just move or something, let us know you're alright," Edward whispers. Despite how pleading he sounds I know I can't. Fear of moving and screaming, lashing out to end the torture would be too much on him. I realize that the tugging I felt was Edward's hand tugging on my fingers against my hand.
Suddenly a sound of a door opening reveals another person. "She should be waking shortly," I hear Alice say which makes my body tingle despite the burn plaguing my body. I want to scream for her to say how much longer I have to wait. "The closer she gets the easier it is to see her. She's going to be dazzling," Alice finishes. I can just imagine her grin which is most likely spread across her face. "It would probably be best to keep the child downstairs for precaution," Carlisle states. I hear the sighs which means Edward and Alice must agree with his words.
It upsets me that I won't be able to see her but it's for the best. I will not risk the life an innocent child with my current condition. Edward snorts, "She was always dazzling," he comments. As the burn continues, Alice giggles before leaving the room bouncing downstairs. I can practically follow the sounds of her footsteps down the stairs. What amazes me is the sound of two heartbeats in the room when she stops and the cooing sounds from two different directions.
Then suddenly instead of receding the pain kicks up an even higher notch. I want to scream from the increased pain, but I force my lips closed. I can feel the pumps of my heart as it gives the final pumps it will probably ever give.
Thump..Thump…
Once my heart as completely stopped I realize the burn is gone. Every part has receded from my limbs from every crevice in my body. I hear someone leave the room before my eyes open to a bright new world.