Chapter 38
Quick question before we start! Should Jay's sight be restored? Please let me know in the comments!
4:30am
She was jolted awake in the early hours of the morning, drenched in her own cold sweat. Laying there in the dark, catching her breath as she continued to stare at the ceiling above, she can't help but think of the difficulty Jay has to endure on a daily basis.
This, dismal, was what he sees every single second of his life. It was her doing. It was her fault. If only she hadn't pressured him into taking her out that night, then they wouldn't have gone out and be where they are today.
Life must be so sad for him. Life must be so dull, so colourless. Life, living, and waking up every morning must be a challenge. But as she thought about it, as she was left to her thoughts, life isn't much different in comparison. She too is living in a blanket of darkness.
Life, living, and waking up every morning was a challenge for her too. Waking up every morning, more like waking up from a nightmare, was a reminder that she had surpassed another day on this miserable planet. But it isn't all bad, for the most part, she wakes up and is reminded that she's still here for a reason, for a girl that's growing inside. If she wasn't pregnant, she would've taken her life a long time ago, or, most like, end up relapsing.
She almost did anyway.
Living had gotten to the point where everything she did felt like a chore, a duty, a have to. From getting out of bed and eating to even breathing. Sometimes she would be so overwhelmed with life that she literally couldn't breathe. No oxygen was filling into her lungs or sometimes, too much oxygen. Leaving her suffocated.
Immediately, she would find herself crawling into a foetal position, hyperventilating and crying hysterically for no apparent reason or for one obvious reason. Though these episodes usually happens when she's home alone, alone in her head and alone with dangerous thoughts. Away from anyone who could see there's an issue with, that this mask she had been wearing was a fake.
Life; she doesn't have much fight left within her or the will to keep living but she has to. All her efforts of keeping her sanity was for her. She loves her so so so much and when she almost lost her, not so long ago, she was so beyond terrified. If she had died, Erin knows she would've lost it.
Or would it be a relief?
She, without a doubt, would be back on the streets scoring dope and downing liquor to oblivion. She would've gone back to her old ways.
But she doesn't know if she can hold it together once she's here.
Oh how she wished she could have a drink or two or more at this very moment. She wants nothing more than to feel hard liquor sliding down the back of her throat, burning the muscles of her oesophagus and stomach, to inhale the pungent and sweet aroma of fermentation and distillation.
Oh how she wished to savour the sweet oak aftertaste that bourbon holds. Or the junipers from gin. Or the nothingness from vodka that holds a tang of spies.
Vodka. Her favourite. Her mother's choice of poison as well.
But she can't; she's pregnant.
What an eye roller.
She wondered whether the terrible decision she had made that night and all the other nights prior to Jay surprising her with his presence - to drink her body weight when she had initially found out she was pregnant - would harm her. She had wanted to drink herself to a miscarriage.
That was one of the reasons why she didn't want to see an OB, she was scared to hear that because of the drinking in the early stages of pregnancy, she had selfishly caused X, Y, Z upon her daughter.
After coming clean with her doctor, Dr. Drake Ramoray had reassured her that her questionable choices had no effects on the foetus. So far. She had made numerous questionable choices that week. One that would back fire at her in the near future. One that would kill her. One that would literally end what little hope she had for the future.
Jay should never know of what she had done. He can't handle the truth.
Or was it she who couldn't?
Erin rolled over and looked at her phone that was left on the coffee table by the couch she was sleeping on, it was almost five in the morning.
She sighed. There was no point in going back to sleep, she knows that's impossible. Besides, the baby was kicking the life out of her. No longer were they tiny, soft spasms, she was now, at six months, doing karate in her belly. She's one active foetus. Erin has to admit, though the kicks make her happy seventy percent of the time, the rest, it get too overpowering with horrific memories.
From dusk to dawn, she kicks like there's no tomorrow. She will be one hell of a fighter. She might even be a boxer, an elite gymnast, a dancer, or she might just fall into the same footsteps as her mother.
She might become a cop.
"Alright. Alright." she conceded with her child, rubbing her belly as she felt another kick ripple through her body. Kicking her to get off the couch, demanded to be fed.
She was determined to make her presence known and wanted to give her mother no time to rest until she got what she wanted.
"You win."
Tossing the warm covers that she had snuggled into, she shredded as her bare feet hit the cold tiled floor and made her way to the refrigerator.
After making sure that Jay had fallen asleep, which wasn't too long after because he's almost always exhausted after a long day of physical therapy and visual learning, she would slowly crawl out of his embrace and make her way onto the uncomfortable sofa. She doesn't want him to witness her nightmares, she doesn't want him to question her all the time. Though she knows he means well, she doesn't want to have to constantly explain herself.
Not every day.
"Baby, you do know, I can't keep eating like this for the next three months right?" she said to the baby as she took a bite of her sandwich that she had just made.
Even though she hadn't gain any weight during the course of this pregnancy, she still feels humongous. Dr. Ramoray had adviced her to gain a few pounds since at this point, she a little under.
She's trying her hardest to munch on even when she's not hungry. Food just doesn't make her feel good lately. She's bloated all the damn time. Her breast had doubled in size to a C. Her clothes doesn't fit her anymore. Leaving her no choice but to wear oversized ones since she's sure as hell not going to spend any money on maternity clothes.
She's like a humpback whale. She feels ugly and unattractive. It's a good thing that Jay can't see her. He too will be repulsed.
5:45am
Staring out the balcony, watching as the sun rise, she reminisced to a time when they would watch the slow glistening of the bright sun. They would snuggle close into each other as if their closeness wasn't enough.
Those were happy times. Times when there wasn't anything to worry about. A time when they would talk about anything. A time when she didn't cheated.
After her early breakfast, she sat in the shower as scalding hot liquid stung her skin in a failed attempt to scrub herself to purity.
This has become a habitual since the rape. Out of nowhere, she would be overcome with an urge to scrub the filth away. It took nothing or sometimes even the slightest of things to trigger the need to wash herself.
But still no matter how many shower she took, she never felt clean. Not even after months of endless showers. All she wanted was to feel clean again because right now, she's a whore.
She knows she is.
12:14pm
Erin walked down Canal Street to her car that was parked a few blocks away. Since it was lunch hour, most parking spots nearby have already been taken, leaving her no choice but to park two blocks away. It wasn't a hassle until she realised she had to carry three bulky and heavy shopping bags all by herself.
The contents of her purchases?
Cleaning supplies.
Bed rest as advised wasn't an option for her, she needs to be active. But she did lower her limit since the accident. Since most of her days were spent scrubbing her apartment spotless, all of the products have 'miraculously' disappeared.
She've tried. She've definitely tried to stop her impulsive cleaning but every time, she did her apartment was deemed unliveable. It was like she could see every trace and speck of dust. Hence, relapsing.
Thunder rumbled in a distance and she looked up to the dark clouds that were rolling in. It was going to rain so she had hurry if she doesn't want to get wet.
She've always hated the rain. Rain and her definitely do not get along.
Though it was the middle of April, it was still a little cold, her exterior was like ice but she felt extremely hot on the inside. It felt as if she was suffocating in her own body. The hormones were working their magic, destroying her insides, making her breathless.
She doesn't understand how's it even possible for some women to enjoy pregnancy, it doesn't seem to make any sense to her. Being pregnant is miserable. She can't wait for this pregnancy to end but childbirth terrified her. It wasn't the idea or the pain of pushing a human being out of her that she's afraid about, it was meeting her. She doesn't know what to expect.
Will she look like her father?
Sighing, her soul almost jumped right out of her body at the sound behind her. The most annoying honk in the entire universe blared, leaving her ears ringing at they loud and obnoxious sound.
Sounds familiar.
Heads turned as the honking continued behind her. She can hear and sense a big vehicle rolling on the road beside her but she didn't care to look. She had to get to her car before the sky starts pouring.
It was then that she noticed people were staring at her.
Were they staring because she's pregnant?
Was there something on her face?
They must have seen what she sees in the mirror every day.
Was it evident that she's hiding a secret from her blind boyfriend?
That she cheated on him with his best friend. That she's carrying the weight of a billion people on her shoulders.
Beep beep beeeeeeeeeeeeeppppp
Grunting, normally she wouldn't mind the honking but with this pregnancy hormone, every little thing was getting under her skin.
She reluctantly turned around and was about to march over to the driver when the familiar red truck stopped on it's tracks, causing her to stare at the Fire Rescue Truck that read Squad 3.
At first she wasn't too sure how to react. He hasn't seen her like this, with an actually protruding belly. She have gone out and beyond to avoid her friends at Firehouse 51 and had moderately succeeded with the mission up until now.
They had visited her at Med when she was initially rescued, she've seen them at Kim's service and when she almost lost her body but that was that. She avoided them, him, every chance she's got.
He hopped out of the big red truck, slammed the door shut before hurrying over to her.
"Erin!"
She didn't know what to do. She couldn't just run away right now even if she wanted nothing more than to, so instead she smiled.
There was no way out of this encounter.
"Kelly, hey!" she said, putting her grocery bags onto the ground. She rubbed her hands together as she reminded herself to relax. This was just Kelly Severide.
"It's really good to see you, Erin." he exclaimed, pulling her into his big arms for a hug. She stood there, her arms rigid on both sides. It took her a few seconds to get comfortable before she willing wrapped her arms around his waist.
"It's good to see you too." she sighed, closing her eyes and taking in the scent of his aftershave and cigar.
Familiarity.
She loves familiarity and consistency and that was who Kelly is. He's the kind of man who'll never change his habit. Good or bad, he'll stay the same till the end of time. He's the same man she had loved a long time ago. She had loved him but never as much as she loves Jay.
They parted when someone, most like Capp, cleared their throat.
"Hi, Erin." they said in unison.
Looking hesitantly at the trio, she doesn't know what to do, where to place her hands or even what to say. She can sense their weariness around her as they exchanged worried glances between each other and their lieutenant.
She felt so out of place and awkward.
Smiling a thin smile, she gave a half hearted little wave to the boys like she doesn't know what to do.
She can tell that they think she's made out of glass as if one touch will shatter her to a billion pieces. She knows that they mean no harm. They just don't know how to act around a rape victim.
Awkward silence filled the open air and she tightened her sweater around her body, covering her bump.
"Umm, we were on our way to get some ingredients for-what are you making again, Cruz?" Kelly said, turning towards Joe Cruz to explain whatever he was attempting to cook.
"Sancocho. It's the national dish for us, Dominicans. It's delicious. One of my favourites actually. My abuela makes it the best..."
She nodded rapidly and blankly stared at him. He was rambling on and on about the how his grandmother makes the best dishes, to which she was grateful for since she's having trouble concentrating.
"Ok and I'm boring you with my dumb story." he said, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment.
Tony and Capp chuckled and she was snapped back to reality. "Huh?"
"Why don't you three get to the store and I'll catch up with Erin?"
She absolutely don't think that's a bright idea but before she could even protest, the boys were already in the truck.
"Leave your radios on!"
"So." he said softly, shoving his hands into his pockets.
"So." she repeated as she looked anywhere but at Kelly Severide. She couldn't bring herself to look into his eyes just yet.
"Have you eaten? We could get something to eat. There's a deli just around the corner. It's really good."
She absentmindedly placed her hands on her bump, feeling it grumble, and she knew he noticed it. She, the baby, was hungry again. She haven't eaten since this morning. "Yeah, sure. That sounds good."
As she was about to get her bags, he halted her very action as he placed his hand on top of hers. She swore that mere touch sent shivers down her spine.
"No, no, no, no. Let me get that."
Erin lifted her gaze to Kelly's and nodded. She've forgotten how dark his blues were. "Thanks."
12:31pm
Before she knew it, she's sitting on a stool, listening to the soft patters of the pouring rain and was having lunch with her ex-boyfriend. It felt like old times, like time hadn't past a wink and they managed to fall into a pattern of conversation.
She laughed. He laughed. She smiled. He smiled.
She felt slightly better now.
She had forgotten everything she had done.
"So how are you?"
Erin took another very much needed bite of her grilled chicken sandwich, this was probably the best sandwich she've ever had the pleasure of eating.
Was it her or the baby talking?
"You've asked me that like three times already, Kelly." she covered her mouth as she chuckled.
"Yeah?"
With her mouthful, "Mmhm." she nodded.
They needed a change of subject. She hates being the centre of attention.
"What about you? You and Stella still going strong? She's a peach."
She likes Stella. Through the short amount of time that she've gotten to know her, she've always been so sweet and funny.
He shifted in his seat as he cleared his throat. "Umm, Stella and I haven't been seeing each other in quite some time already, Erin."
"Oh." she looked embarrassed. "Oh. I'm so sorry. I didn't know. I, I just...I've been so-"
She've just been so preoccupied with life.
"Hey," he chuckled, "It's ok. It doesn't matter."
Wiping her hands on her napkin, she ran her hands through her hair. "I'm so embarrassed...So tell me about this new lucky girl."
"There isn't."
She's definitely not convinced. "Oh c'mon. Kelly Severide, single? Nah!"
They laughed.
"It's true...but there was this one girl. Her name's Anna. But she kinda took off so..."
Erin nodded, he looks rather pained at the thought of Anna. She must be really special to him. "I'm sorry." she said, unconsciously rubbing his forearm.
He shrugged.
"Well, pregnancy agrees with you. You know that?"
She scuffled, lightly smacking him on the arm, "Oh shut it. I look like trash. I mean, c'mon, I just threw on a sweater."
"It doesn't matter. You look beautiful in anything."
She smiled and tucked a few strands behind her ear. It somewhat feels good to be told that by Severide.
"You excited to meet the little one?"
Her brain looped in thousand different and mixed thoughts. She haven't been asked that recently. But then again, other than Jay and Voight, she literally hasn't talked to anyone else.
"Erh, no. Well, kinda. I'm just, I guess I'm scared is all." she nodded at him.
"You'll be a great mother. You have nothing to worry about."
She shrugged.
"That's what everyone keeps on saying but I don't know really. You know I didn't have the greatest parents to appraise to."
He looked at her and nodded in agreement. They both hadn't. Maybe that was why they had hit it off so quickly. They were both damaged goods from the start.
"I'd hate to see her and see..." she unknowingly placed her hand on belly and he looked at her, shrugging at the thought of her father. "I love her, more than anything in this world, you know, but..." she looked into Kelly's dark blues, "but she's half someone I hate and I don't know if I can live with that for the rest of my life."
She knows she shouldn't be seeing her as her rapist baby, it wouldn't be fair to her.
"Once she's in your arms, you'll never wanna let her go. I'm not one to say but I've heard it's the most amazing feeling. Whatever perceptions you had about her will be a fragment of your imagination. You'll love her like nothing in this world, Erin. She's lucky to have you as her mother." Kelly squeezed her hand and kept his eyes on her, "Jay's lucky to have you too."
She snickered and took a long sip of her juice.
"Why the long face?"
Erin shook her head, "He's...amazing. He doesn't deserve someone like me. Someone with baggage as huge as mine...He deserves a girl who's happy, who can make him happy and smile. Not someone who brings him down...I'm not worthy of his love." she said the last part so quietly, she wondered if he had actually heard her.
"You can't make that decision for him, Erin. How is going to know how you feel if you don't talk to him? And I assume you didn't talk to him about any of this."
She shook her head.
He knows her all too well.
She was shocked and wondered why she felt comfortable in parading her dirty laundry with an ex.
"Gosh, Erin! You are worthy of his love. You're an amazing woman. You're smart, devoted, kind, caring, beautiful and the list goes on, forever..."
She still doesn't think so.
She cheated.
"Yeah but I did...I did something horrible to him, Kelly. I know I shouldn't have but I did. And I can't stop thinking about that stupid mistake." her voiced quivered as she felt the impending tears.
Damn hormones.
He looked at her with knitted brows and slowly nodded. He must have figured out what she had done.
He gave her hand a gentle squeeze. "He'll forgive you."
Just then the sound of his radio crackled alive with Cruz's voice on the other end.
"Lieutenant, we got a MVA, 31st and Halsted Street."
Quickly, he got up from the stool and straightened himself up. "Ugh...Duty calls."
They both stood and stared into each other for a second too long. Memories after memories flooded.
The Gala, dinners, movies, lazy mornings...
But nothing they had could ever compare with Jay.
Why does it feel like this will be their last encounter?
He opened his arms and she willingly sighed into his embrace.
"You should stop by at Molly's again some time. We all miss you. Oh and Hermann has some baby stuff too."
"Oh. That would be nice."
She looked out the window, she could hear the sirens in a distance get closer and closer.
And that was when she realised she missed being at work. Maybe she should discuss that with Voight.
"Take care of yourself, Lindsay. And the little one." he kissed her cheek before rushing out.
She watched through the window as he jumped onto the truck and as he gave her one last wink before disappearing into the traffic.
6:23pm
Tap.
Tap.
Tap.
The taping from the cane echoed in Erin's ears as she waited for Jay to finish with today's class.
She sat on the couch at the waiting area, impatiently bouncing her leg, turning to stare at the door every now and then. Her fidgeting was driving the woman next to her crazy as she continued to give her a nasty stare. It would drive her mental too but she was starting to get worried; Jay ought to finish at six.
Having just ended her call with Voight, after telling him that she very much needed something to do to keep herself from going insane, she was doing just that by 'living' the way she was, and after a few sentences of persuasion on her side, he agreed for her to be on filing duty at the file room in Intelligence. It's definitely nothing like the field but that's better than being locked in her own dangerous thoughts. At least in this way, she could immerse herself in sorting files. And of course, in return, she has to see Dr. Charles as advised by none other than her 'father', to which she reluctantly agreed to since she realised that it's been six months too long to still be scared.
She needs to be Detective Erin Lindsay again.
Was she fully recovered?
No. Definitely not but she has to take the initiative to try.
Tap.
Tap.
Tap.
Her face etched into a smile as she finally saw her handsome redhead. He looked tired and she knew all he wanted was to go home and rest. But that smile quickly turned into a frown, her chest tightened in pain at the thought of him leaving her when he finds out.
She should've known beforehand.
"Jay." she said, walking over to him.
He smiled at the sound of her voice. She saw him say something to the instructor next to him before he nodded at Erin and left.
"Hey."
She smiled, looking into his ocean blue eyes as she continued to caress his subtle. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into a hug. She wished he could see how genuinely happy she is right now, to be with him.
"Hi. I missed you." she giggled against his lips before leaning in for a kiss.
She can feel his surprise when she kissed him but he kissed her back. Their relationship have been so dysfunctional lately.
She understands his frustration, she've been giving him hard time with all her mixed signals. One minute she wants to be held, the next she's screaming to never touched her again. She just can't help it.
She's the devil.
He's an angel.
He've been so patient with her and that only makes her love for him even more strong.
She pulled away before the kiss could deepen and just snuggled into his side, wrapping one arm around his back. He seemed to breath a sigh of relief and held her tighter.
She was fully aware of the eyes that were gawking at them but she couldn't care less about their thoughts.
She knows she's a burden. She knows he's confused when and when not to touch her.
Suddenly tears prickled in her eyes and she choked back a sob.
Damn hormones.
He kissed the top of her her head, "Let's go." he said.
She nodded.
He's amazing.
He's too good for her.
She don't deserve him.
6:42pm
They drove in silence.
The radio wasn't turned on, no music was playing, they weren't hearing anything but each other's rapid heartbeat.
The air in the very confinement became too heavy, too cold and chilly that her thoughts have immediately became too loud for her to just concentrate on the road.
She suddenly felt the urge to break the silence.
"Do you wannna go out for dinner? Or you want me to just cook us something." she asked hesitantly.
Why was she so nervous?
As always he was looking straight ahead with his hands on his lap. She wondered what he was thinking about. "Let's just go out."
Frowning, she's more than hurt, more than she care to admit.
Does her food really tasted that disgusting?
"So you don't like my cooking?"
She just wanted to do her part as a good girlfriend. She wants to please him. She wants to gratify him to the utmost extent so that once she tells him, he wouldn't want to be anywhere without her. Just like she wouldn't, couldn't, live without him.
She felt guilty and was compensating with what she knows best, manipulation. But it doesn't seem to run in her favour today.
"I did not say that, Erin." he viciously ran his hands over his face, exasperated. He doesn't want to fight with her anymore. "I just don't want you pressuring yourself, ok. I know you're tired."
"I'm not. I'm fine." she protested.
He snickered at that.
"What's 'huh' supposed to mean?"
With the heightened hormones coasting through her veins, her emotions were all over the place and today was no different.
They had just went from zero to a billion in a matter of seconds.
"Nothing, ok. If you wanna cook, then cook. I'm not stopping you. But just don't blame me if you burn something or something doesn't go as planned cuz I never asked you to cook in the first place." he spat.
She just stared at the road, driving to his favourite restaurant.
8:56pm
Tonight was like any other ordinary night. They coexist under the same roof. Their relationship have never been so awkward. Before everything fell apart, they never just coexist, they were inseparable. Even Voight couldn't separate them.
Erin feels as though she's out of control. Right now, her life was mush, she has nothing in her hands, nothing was familiar, nothing was certain. Not her sanity, thoughts and definitely not her emotions.
So once again, she immersed herself in a light scrubbing of the kitchen sink to distract herself from life. But tonight, it wasn't doing the trick. The baby was kicking away and all that she was reminded was of Carlos Solis.
Jay was in the living room watching the Hawks game. In other words, listening to the blaring television.
They haven't talked at all since in the car and they weren't even talking at that time. She've talked more to Kelly than to her own boyfriend.
Talking to Kelly isn't cheating, now is it?
"How was your day?" he asked from the living room.
Should she tell him about Kelly?
She ought to start by not keeping anything from him. It wouldn't do either of them any good. "Good. Saw Kelly this afternoon. We kinda bumped into each other on the street when I was coming back from the supermarket."
"Oh, that's good. You guys talked?"
She looked into his eyes; not a pang of jealousy.
He trusts her.
"Yea. We had lunch and he told me that Hermann has some baby stuff from his youngest and most of them aren't even used. I thought it was a good idea. What do you think?"
"That's really nice of Herrmann."
Though his youngest was a boy, it was just clothes that she could use at home if it'd be too weird to be wearing outside. It's not like she will even care or know the difference or know what's going on. Of course she'd still be buying some cute outfits and dresses for her to wear. After all she's still a mother; she would like to play dress up with her.
"Er, could you please just stop that and come sit with me?"
He sounded annoyed.
She deserved it.
10:36pm
Tiptoeing into their room, not wanting to wake him, she carefully crawled under the covers and onto her side of the bed. If she wants to start living normally again, she has to try to feel comfortable in sharing every aspect of her life with him, good or bad.
Just as Kelly had said, she has to talk to him.
"Er?"
He sounded groggy. She must have woken him up.
She felt him stir, turning to face her side. With their distance and her back towards him, they're practically ten thousand miles apart. She might as well be on the other side of the planet.
"I was waiting for you. Thought you were lost." he chuckled.
His fingers tentatively reached out for her, caressing her skin before fully wrapping his strong arms around her waist and pulling her closer.
"I'm sorry for snapping at you, babe. I don't know, I guess I was tired."
They both had the same excuse for their poor attitude for one another; exhaustion.
"It's alright. I shouldn't have been so sensitive."
She shouldn't have taken his words too personally.
Melting into his arms, she allowed him hold her. Unsure of who needs this more.
He kissed her shoulders just as he stopped caressing her exposed arm. "I love you, baby girl." he whispered, rubbing her ever expanding belly.
He ran his thumb gently along her cheekbones. "You can talk to me about anything, Er."
She nodded, unable to speak.
Maybe she should just tell him now.
Maybe she should just rip off the bandage right now when she's not in too deep.
"I'm not forcing you to talk about it. I just want you to know I'm here. I'm never going to leave you."
He has no idea that what they should be talking about has nothing to do about the rape.
She nodded.
She's still not quite convinced that he wouldn't leave.
She can't tell him.
What he doesn't know wouldn't hurt him, right?
"I love you, Er." he whispered in her ear. His warm breath tickling the sensitive skin on the back of her ear.
He won't love her after she tells him.
She has no rights to say those words back to him even though she does love him so very much.
They stayed quiet.
Tears slid down her cheeks at the tune he was humming. He had told her that this song was a sentiment to him. It was a song his mother had sang to him and Will as a child when they couldn't sleep.
She listened to him until her eyes grew heavy, until the sweet tune was a million miles away.
Tomorrow will be a repeat of today, an endless cycle of angst.
Thanks for reading! Another question, should Erin tell Jay of her hook up with Adam? I'd really like to know what you guys think!