Author's note: Ehm. So.

In the past I've left some readers disappointed over my inability to write certain things. So with that in mind, the reason for most of this chapter, largely which is of the "from way, way back" variety… well, the reason can be spelled "coached by Demyrie."

Chapter thirty-six, Hero

'

Begin Introspection. Serial code: Daxter.

'

Shitshitshit I'm gonna freeze to death how does he manage to get into my head how can he make it feel like I'm cold to the bone––

Okay, okay. Deep breaths. Chill.

Bad word choice there, smartass.

This blanket isn't enough. It's damp now, too, and the wind is cutting straight through it. Through my clothes–– through me. I'd tell Jak to slow down because the speed makes the wind worse, but I know he just wants to get through it and I can't argue with that.

So damn close. And I keep thinking about how just after I turned back, Jak didn't want me to come along anymore because he was scared something like this would happen. And I just barged on because I didn't want to get left behind. I didn't want either of us to be alone.

I don't want to be his weakness.

I… I just wanna curl up and listen to him breathe and know we're both safe. Maybe everything will be okay after that.

'

End Introspection.

'

They hardly spoke a sensible word before reaching the Naughty Ottsel. Jak was too drained, and Daxter hardly even knew what he was babbling about. Just spoke to keep his mouth going because it made him feel a little better, even when thoughts kept spinning around and around inside his head, digging deeper and deeper into him for every turn.

His teeth starting to chatter and the loss of adrenaline making his shoulder start aching was, actually, a sort of relief. At least it forced him to focus on something else. Jak was not exhausted that he didn't notice Daxter freezing in his wet clothes, though. He dug out a blanket from his backpack that Daxter could sweep around himself. It helped a little, but it was too thin to completely keep the wind out.

They moved as quick as they could, picking up their guns – in Daxter's case, the one he'd dropped in the grass because neither of them felt like staying to search for the one in the lake – and only stopping on the way back to find a working green eco vent. It rejuvenated Jak enough to chase off the numbness of his limbs and mind, and even if it didn't work as well on Daxter it at least made his shoulder better and warmed him up a little.

But the chill stole over him again as soon as they hurried away from the vent, and from there it only got worse.

Which lead to – after they got out of the forest – Jak driving like they had a platoon of annoyed KGs at their heels. Jak's driving might have felt nostalgic, but Daxter was too busy being miserable to appreciate that. He didn't even care about the angry, howling metal heads far below them as they zoomed through the infested section.

He huddled up as best he could against the wind and his own thoughts, clenching his jaw to stop his teeth from chattering. And Jak said nothing, only stared straight ahead as he drove. Didn't slow down even as they passed the no-man's land warzone between the infected section and the harbor. It was fairly calm today, the new protective walls to keep the ground metal heads out had not yet fallen, at least.

Only when what remained of the Naughty Ottsel got within sight did Jak begin to slow. The broken sign had never looked so beautiful to Daxter.

Jak "parked" and jumped out, coming around to give Daxter a hand. He wanted to wave it aside, but as soon as he started moving he felt how stiff he was with cold.

"Got a change of clothes in there?" Jak asked.

"Can scrounge something up," Daxter grit out.

And a couple of minutes later he found himself in that storage room where he'd stored his just-in-case clothes. Where he'd shown Jak that pack of soft underpants and they had both been joking about that. Because life had been so amazing then, with Daxter just returned to what he had been and an endless array of possibilities open before him. Most of them involving helping Jak.

But now he was alone in there under the dingy light of a naked light bulb, searching through the boxes of forgotten clothes with shaking hands. Jak had disappeared somewhere, not saying where. Daxter glanced at the door over his shoulder, fighting down the instinct to throw himself at it and yell at Jak to come back right this minute because… because…

"WAS IT THE RAT?"

He swallowed hard and returned to scrounging. There were still a few new clothes he hadn't gotten around taking with him, thankfully. He didn't really feel like dressing up in some oversized pants that had belonged to some drunk associate of Jinx'.

He pulled out a warm-looking, red shirt from a cupboard. It was still wrapped in plastic and he tried to open it, but his cold fingers slipped. Growling at himself, not even able to do something that simple. He tore at it, finally used his teeth to get a grip and rip the plastic apart.

Jak opened the door just as Daxter pulled the shirt out. The redhead felt a stitch of comfort that his friend hadn't seen him struggling with the plastic. Nice to not be seen as a complete loser.

Cold comfort.

"Here," Jak said, handing Daxter two thick towels. "Get dry." He closed the door behind him.

Daxter didn't even think twice about it. He dropped the shirt and quickly got out of his soaked clothes, wrapping himself up in the towels as he went along. A sigh of relief escaped him as the heavy, dry cloth enclosed him, soaking up the moisture from his skin. He rubbed the towels against himself, but didn't get far with that before Jak reached out and massaged his back and arms through the cloth. The warmth of his hands seeped through, but just the action was enough to make Daxter feel better.

He let himself slump, thumping against Jak who drew him in, pressing him close. Water from Daxter's hair dripped into Jak's clothes but neither one cared.

Then Jak suddenly drew back, and Daxter's over clocked brain panicked, wondering if he'd leave again. But Jak pulled a green eco salve bottle from a pocket and opened it.

"I'm not hurting," Daxter said, trying to chuckle. He should have said something about 'mother hen,' he remembered too late to add it.

"I don't want to risk you getting sick," Jak said, and Daxter had no argument against that. It was a good point, actually.

Daxter sat down on the floor and took the bottle from Jak's hand, shaking the towel from his shoulders. Even as he poured out the glowing salve onto his hand, the little pinpricks of eco drifted sideways, towards Jak – hence why the blond couldn't help apply it. Whether he wanted to or not, the main ingredient would go into him instead of the person who needed it more. But he sat down beside Daxter, putting his arm around the gangly shoulders. Body heat and closeness helped, too.

Although, it made it a little hard to focus, Daxter felt, as he fumbled to spread the salve over his own chest and throat. It seeped into his skin within seconds, leaving behind only a sweetly tingling feeling and a scent of fresh grass. For just a moment, that smell was stronger than that of the dust of the small room.

"What did he tell you, Dax?" Jak asked in a low voice.

The words struck Daxter like a blow and he flinched before he could stop himself. The bottle would have fallen to the floor if Jak hadn't caught it.

They sat silent. Daxter looked the other way. He knew that if he didn't say it, Jak would have to, and maybe they might as well get it over with.

"You were right," Daxter said in a small voice, wrestling the words out of himself.

"About what?" Jak asked, and Daxter could hear his scowl. He knew the frown wasn't for him but for Erol, but that didn't make him feel much better. Not about this.

"You said I'd be a target 'cause he knows now."

Jak grabbed his shoulders and wrenched Daxter over, shifting to make it a little less uncomfortable when he saw the wince. But he didn't let go, and the look in his eyes made it impossible to look away.

"You shot that bot down, and then you got yourself loose." He shook his head. "When I said that, I was too stupid to see that you can take care of yourself."

"But––"

"I make mistakes too, Dax! The trick is to crawl out of them. And you did!" Jak leant in close, staring into Daxter's eyes. "You can't let one slip get you down like this."

Daxter couldn't handle that look for long before he produced a broken chuckle and rubbed his neck, glancing aside. There was too much in that gaze for his torn up mind to handle. Maybe on a better day, now that things were different, but not right then.

It said Don't you leave me I need you, among other things.

"What did he tell you?" Jak asked again.

There wasn't even a need to wonder how Jak just knew that Erol had said something to tear Daxter in half. Jak would have known even if it hadn't seemed so obvious from his friend's misery.

There wasn't any way to get out of it, either, even if Daxter had wanted to – even when he dreaded the answer. Stuttering and hesitating, he told Jak about the recording of the scientists' comments. At the end of it his shoulders were almost up to his ears, which meant the side of Jak's hands touched Daxter's jaw line.

Finishing, Daxter gazed at Jak pleadingly, chewing on his lower lip.

His heart almost leapt out of his chest when Jak shook his head.

"I was getting angry before I heard your voice," Jak said, squeezing the tense shoulders. "The only thing you triggered was that final spark." He managed to produce the shadow of a smile. "And good thing, because it saved you a lot of work with those bonds."

Daxter let out a breathless, joyless bark of laugh.

"Heh, yeah, you did help out a lot with the saving, come to think of it––"

"No." Jak said it so firmly that Daxter gave a start. The green eyebrows crept low, but not in anger but in determination. "You saved me. I've never thought anything else."

"Really?" Daxter slowly said, in a low voice because he still didn't feel convinced.

Jak looked him right in the eye.

"You're not the sidekick to me."

For a moment Daxter stared at him. Then he lounged forwards, forgetting everything about flinches and bad memories, and flung his arms around Jak. Only then did he remember, but by then Jak had already wrapped his own arms around Daxter, squeezing him tight.

They stayed like that for a while, content just to be close.

Finally though, Jak gently let go and told Daxter to get dressed while he called Samos to leave a quick report and make sure they'd be allowed to take the night off to rest up. Laughing, Daxter commented that he was amazed they hadn't already been called by half the world about crap that needed doing.

The final leg of their journey back to the HQ was more pleasant than the first. Jak drove more carefully, though, because now that the tension had left both of them they were both drooping with fatigue. Daxter half-slumbered through the whole drive, small smile twitching on his lips.

They were both more sleepwalking than anything else as they made it into the Freedom HQ, somehow – neither was sure afterwards how – making it to their room.

Early next morning, Daxter woke up the moment Jak pulled away. His eyes cracked open and he sleepily peered upwards, eyelids barely obeying his demand to stay up. Jak was just a blur against the half light of the dimmed lamps, a blur that paused to brush its forehead against Daxter's. Then it straightened up, and tucked the warm blanket around the wiry body still in the bed.

Daxter owlishly blinked, drifting too close to sleep to even mumble a protest. There was a soft snort from above. Then Jak headed towards the bathroom on almost silent feet.

He left the door slightly open, creating a fuzzy beam of light in Daxter's vision when the lamp was switched on in the other room.

Yawning, Daxter closed his eyes again.

But he wasn't falling asleep. He was waking up. His body screamed for more sleep, but his mind had already started darting all over the place. Or rather, it was darting back to yesterday.

He curled up and ducked under the covers. The soft darkness was warm, but not warm enough. He almost wished that he was furry again, then he wouldn't have felt his skin so much. It'd be nice if he could've handed in his full-body-cover and gotten a new set, one that wasn't so great at remembering metal.

Erol himself hadn't grabbed him this time, but that was only a side note comfort.

Daxter squirmed, trying to think of something else. When he thought about what had happened yesterday, he had to think about what he had been told. What he had felt. And even if Jak had shook his head and squeezed him tight and spoken words that couldn't have been more perfect, Jak wasn't there right now.

The shower turned on in the bathroom, a hum of water peppering the plastic walls and a warm, familiar body.

Daxter rolled out of bed and to his feet. He stumbled forwards while rubbing his eyes and trying to get his body to realize that he was awake. Only knowing that he needed to be with Jak, right now.

When he opened the door to the bathroom he was already struggling to get rid of his dirty shirt, and it landed with a soft fwhump on the floor beside Jak's clothes. Daxter's pants and underpants – soft underpants – followed moments later, though in his current state he almost fell over trying to get them off.

He didn't stop to think.

Jak must have been aware that he was outside. And yet, when Daxter pushed the door to the shower open, a little too hard, the hero looked over his shoulder with a start. He obviously hadn't expected that. Clods of pale bubbles were melting down his scarred back, one soapy hand stilled on his neck.

Daxter bolted a whole lot more awake at the sight, blinking and only vaguely aware that his lips parted.

Eh. Not like it was the first time he saw Jak naked, and in the shower, and not like they hadn't had a different kind of friendship for quite a while but all that new stuff was still pretty damn new and all the (few) times that Daxter had instigated anything it had still been pretty innocent and he could swear he was blushing because it sure felt hot all of a sudden.

… dang. That was a nice sight even for sleep-loaded eyes. Jak's hair laid soaked over his head, hanging down his neck but not nearly as long as it had been just a few months ago. A lot of things were different a few months ago.

Jak was smiling now, and turning. Daxter cleared his throat.

"Hiya, gorgeous," the redhead said, quickly wetting his lips when he felt how dry they were. "Fancy meeting you here…"

A wet hand reached out and Daxter took it, letting himself be pulled into the warm, falling water. He didn't slip, the floor was constructed with a grainy texture to prevent such things. It was more the heavy state of his body and Jak's pull that sent Daxter softly crashing into the blond.

He straightened up, chuckling and a little embarrassed at his own clumsiness.

"Yeah, fancy that," Jak murmured, reaching out and sliding the door shut behind Daxter's back. It closed with a soft rattling, enclosing the two of them in a small world of their own with the warm water washing over them.

Daxter leant into Jak with a deep, content sigh. He really could get used to this, and quickly so.

There was no rush, not at first, just a slow, curious tingle. He was still waking up, for the moment content just to have Jak close. Still fully aware and remembering why he had felt such a need to go to his friend, but the fear ebbed away when Jak's fingertips rubbed against Daxter's neck, dipping into his hairline. The red-blond hair was already drooping down, hanging around Daxter's shoulders.

Jak didn't have to say a word of assurance, everything he had murmured yesterday silently repeated in the simple caress. It's okay. Don't listen to him.

But there was something that Jak felt more pressing than Daxter did, expressed instead by the closed eyes and a careful kiss to a freckled cheek.

I'm sorry, so sorry.

Daxter wound his arms a little tighter around Jak's back. They both had a problem with being less forgiving on themselves, than each other. He wasn't going to stand for it, though.

"Don't angst on me, buddy. It smells funny, and not in the good way."

He paused for a second, then fired off a leer.

"If you get angst all over me I'll make you give me a full body wash."

One of Jak's eyes opened slightly and his lips stretched. Heat rose up through Daxter's throat and cheeks, and it wasn't quite embarrassment this time. He leant back against Jak's arms, away from the blond, tilting his head slightly and lowering his eyelids. The falling water softly peppered his chest.

"And we can't have that, now can we?"

He was pulled back up and Jak dropped one arm down to around his waist, pressing them tightly together.

Oh yes, fully awake now.

But the grip eased as Jak let go with one arm and reached backwards. He merely cocked a teasing eyebrow at the curious, and a little disappointed look he got from that. Daxter was a little too distracted staring his dissatisfaction, and because of that he almost jumped when Jak's hand landed on his shoulder, suddenly cool with liquid soap.

The long fingers curled, running down the thinner arm and leaving behind a delicate trail of white. The water melted the soap away almost immediately, even as Jak paused to massage Daxter's wrist. In one stroke, he took away the grimy feeling and memory of metal that still remained there.

Humming his appreciation, some kind of purr had he ever had that ability, Daxter rocked forwards and rested his head on a familiar shoulder. Jak let the hand slip free, wrapping his arms around his friend again and leaning his cheek against the soaked red hair.

"But you know, I think I'm… maaaybe… a little bit guilty too," Daxter murmured, reaching behind Jak to the soap bottle.

He brought his hand back and far down the strong spine, grinning when Jak closed his eyes and arched into the slippery touch. It made it very easy to press slow, liquid kisses to his neck. As soon as Daxter straightened up, Jak restarted the return of favors.

They both moved slowly, rubbing soap and clean foam over each other's skin. Lingering over pronounced scars, pretending that they could wash away all the old pain. And maybe, for just a little while, that was true. Little wet kisses nuzzled in every now and then wherever their fingers passed deepened the tingle.

It melted into being sex almost invisibly. It could have been that neither of them really would have noticed the change, if Daxter's back hadn't made contact with the wall. The half-transparent plastic was cooler than anything else, causing a jolt. Daxter straightened up, meeting Jak's gaze with something akin to thoughtfulness.

Here, pressed to the side of the shower, the redhead was partly outside of the circle of falling water. Jak blocked even more of it, but it mattered very little. His body heat made up for the loss, even as Daxter got more friendly with the wall.

They both paused for a moment, Daxter's arms resting around Jak's neck and upper back. Jak's hands drifting on Daxter's hip and leg, the last soapy bubbles dissolving.

There was no need for an agreement or understanding, it had always been there. It was just fascinating how they had simply flowed into the situation, together. They needed no new understanding of how it should proceed, either. Daxter had instigated it, therefore he sealed the deal. Jak just waited for him.

Daxter moved his hands, stroking Jak's shoulder and neck before cupping his cheek. Jak leant into it, soft, lazy smile touching his lips.

"You're gorgeous," Daxter murmured.

Jak didn't say anything right then, but the look in his eyes spoke loud enough. He moved closer, nudging Daxter's head back against the wall when their lips met.

Gently, Jak's hand moved from a lean, strong leg, fingers drawing small circles on the wet skin of Daxter's stomach before dipping down. A sound like a hiccup escaping him, Daxter broke the kiss as his neck arched. But the wall was in the way and he couldn't go further, hazily grateful for that when Jak gently took his lips again.

Just as everything else had been so far, it was more a caress than anything else. Slow and perusing, and yet so much more intimate and warm that Daxter squirmed, seeking more. But it was withheld, cruelly, lovingly drawn out and he could feel Jak's smile against the side of his mouth.

A stubbly cheek stroke against his, rough against the moist softness of everything else. Daxter sucked in a sharp breath, tongue running over his lips and leaving them mindlessly parted. There was a chuckle, but only a shadow of the laughter remained in Jak's voice when he whispered. A low, honest murmur promising never to let anything go wrong again.

Realization cut through Daxter's foggy mind and his eyelids rose, trying to catch Jak's gaze. It was in the murmur and the blond's single-minded attention, only giving and not granting himself anything.

Still trying to make up for what had happened yesterday.

"Jak…"

Daxter could only breathe it, his normally so trusty voice utterly failing. Their eyes finally met, Jak silently asking for no disagreement. Needing desperately to make it okay, but it already was, what happened back there hadn't been his fault and Daxter knew that all along. He'd said so. He'd forgiven Jak.

But Jak hadn't.

A hard gulp rocked Daxter's Adam's apple and he leant his forehead against the blond's.

"T-told ya, not… angst on––"

The words floated out of reach, his toes curling when Jak nuzzled an ear sticking out of the soaked red-blond hair.

I can't forgive myself if I don't try to make it up to you.

He wasn't using fair arguments. Not the silent ones, not the way he flicked his tongue over Daxter's earlobe, not the way he made pulsating motions with his hand.

Daxter wrenched his face against Jak's neck, struggling desperately to muffle the cry of sensatory overload. Need, pleasure, annoyance. Helplessness. That feeling of guilt should have no place here, not with them together.

Daxter hadn't come here just to be loved.

But when Jak got like that, the best thing to do was to let him work it out. To distract, help him only worked when he let his guard down.

The movements had stopped. So close to each other, mind numbingly close – but Jak stood unmoving, letting himself be held in a tight hug, head ducked beside Daxter's ear. Waiting to know if he had just destroyed the moment. Trembling just a little, needing it to be alright, needing Daxter but so, so scared of ruining everything. Everything seemed like it could shatter at any moment, any wrong motion.

Daxter struggled to form words through the chaos in his head, but his body acted on its own basic instinct. Given a taste and then suddenly left hungering it rolled, seeking that delicious heat. Jak's breath hitched, then slipped out in a low moan when all of Daxter's warmth brushed against him again. It sounded like he hadn't intended to let the sound escape, but it worked wonders.

One of Daxter's hands slipped down from its perch. It tumbled down along Jak's spine, down to the inwards curve. Wet fingertips caressed wet skin and Jak bent his head back, fingers loosening. Daxter bit back a whine, knowing it was his own fault but this was more important, and in one way it made it easier to think.

And in another, more difficult to.

With Herculean effort he focused, turning his head and slipping his tongue over Jak's neck. Tasting water, sand and tanned skin. A groan answered him this time and Daxter could grin, even if the sound wasn't very agreeing.

Daxter wrapped his arms around the strong back, making – letting – Jak straighten up and meet his gaze. The blue eyes were misted over, making the grin a little stronger.

However little Jak thought he deserved right then, who had spent years dreaming of and longing for who, again? He wasn't the only one who could make unfair arguments.

"Y'gonna get it," Daxter murmured.

For a moment they both stood frozen, but suddenly Jak's arms wedged between the wall and the redhead's back, crushing the smaller body against his broad chest in a tight hug. Though he did let out a "herk!" in a vague kind of protest, Daxter returned the favor to the best of his ability. Tightly cocooned together and with the water flowing over them, he finally felt that it could be okay again.

"Love ya, stupid," Daxter said, theatrically rolling his eyes though it couldn't be seen.

Jak hummed, letting up a little and leaning back so that they could look at each other. He was smiling again, faintly but strong and secure.

He understood, he just asked to do this.

Daxter wrinkled his nose.

"Well, if you put it that way…" he leant in and pecked the tip of Jak's nose with a light kiss. "S'long as you don't beat yourself up while you're sexin' me up, 'kay?"

The look that crossed Jak's face in that moment was one of the funniest things Daxter had ever seen in his life. He cracked up, unable to keep from laughing. And to the sound of that, Jak caved too. His arms slid tighter around the lean body he held, as if looking for support to keep standing as laughter wrecked through him in relieving waves.

There was nothing else right then. It was safe and strong and it held both of them, so encompassing that all else was forgotten.

Daxter was still giggling like crazy, trying to catch his breath, when he felt the cool wall brush the back of his head. Not even that could make him stop laughing. He tried to stop only when Jak kissed him, and it didn't work because they were both shaking with laughter. It didn't have to work, they kissed anyway. Tried and failed and didn't care one bit, because that wasn't important.

It washed over them from inside, like the water and soap on their skin, and in the end they were left gasping for breath in between the last fading giggles, leaning on each other. After a while Jak cupped Daxter's cheek, making him open his eyes and look at the blond again. Another failed kiss ensued, but this time it worked a little better.

"Gods, I love you."

A pretty weird phrase coming from Jak. Daxter even blinked, but then he would have widened his smile – if he could have grinned wider than he already was. He settled for tilting his head, and winding his arms around the blond's neck. Jak's laughter peacefully ebbed away, only a smile and his slightly lowered eyelids remaining of it.

"Normally I only let the babes tell me that, you know," Daxter said, turning his head a little more to gaze at Jak from the corner of his eyes. "But I'll let it slip for you. 'Sides, I think you kinda count as a babe anyway–– eep!"

He let the last slip too, even though he full well knew that it was a mock-glare Jak gave him. It didn't last long either, before it cracked up and their foreheads gently brushed.

"Yeah, you pass," Daxter murmured.

He quirked an eyebrow, sliding his hand up to the back of Jak's head. The blond just watched, smiling – holding back and waiting for a signal.

"Now, handsome…" the redhead sweetly said, "where were we?"

'

Begin Introspection. Serial code: Jak.

'

He's so warm.

'

End Introspection.

'