Picking and Choosing (Tales of Hogwarts Romance) Chapter 35
"The best present I've ever gotten and…and it's gone." Harry complained angrily as he kicked the broom in front of him across the snow covered lawn.
"You still don't have to abuse the old one." Illy chided as she picked up Harry's broom in her gloveless hands and began to brush snow from its handle.
"I'm sorry…I just can't believe she would do that to me!"
"D'you think she'd be willing to study with Jacky and I?" Illy asked, suddenly off topic.
"Who?" Ron asked from his spot to the left of Harry.
"Herm, who else?"
"If she's not a total bloody traitor she wouldn't." Ron grumbled. Illy checked to see if Harry was paying attention, but he had abandoned the conversation to pick at the sticks on his broom tail.
After taking in the sight of Harry's momentary distraction, Illy slipped the miniaturized black board from her pocket to read the message Draco had just written, 'I think she'd say yes.' Illy had managed to master writing things on the board while it was still inside of her pocket in a matter of hours, and as a result relayed fifty percent of everything that was said to or by her to Draco in a matter of moments, though she was still perfecting the art of glancing at his responses without being noticed. Luckily Draco's handwriting was thin and neat, making it easy to read in a single glance, as opposed to Harry and Ron's chicken scratch writing that took a good minute or two just to decipher.
"Where is Hermione right now anyway?" Illy muttered as she slipped the piece of slate back into her pocket.
"Probably shut up in the library…she's been in there since Harry's broom got taken, I guess she's realized that books can't be right mad at her." Ron said in an irritated voice.
"I think I'm gonna run back up to see her if you two don't mind." Illy said as she tightened the leather strap of her shoulder bag.
"Whatever." Harry responded. Illy leaned over to give him a small kiss,
"Try not to dwell on it too long Harry." She consoled. Harry smiled and watched her walk back across the grounds towards the castle. He had managed to keep his temper with her for the better part of the day and the absence of his new broom made him so distracted that watching her leave or sneak peaks at the message board she was talking to Draco on became small irritations rather than something to fly into a fit of rage about.
"So Lupin, Trelawney, and Snape want her in private lessons again…And I think she'll go if Snape wants her to, those two are just queer…" Ron mumbled to Harry.
"Yeah, I'm still not quite sure what for, but I think it has something to do with her getting sick and the bad dreams and forgetting stuff and whatnot." Harry explained with a shrug.
"Do they think she's got some sort of disease?"
"I doubt it; I bet that nut-job Trelawney has her thinking that it's a sign of certain and imminent death. Illy might actually believe her with all that crap she knows about reading palms and stuff."
"Speaking of which, have you had her take a look at those new charts we're supposed to do before break is over?"
"No. Have you?"
"Nope, but I think I know how I'll be spending tonight though. It's not as though Hermione's gonna help us now."
"What makes you think Illy will be available this evening?"
"Why, d'you have plans or something?"
"Well we did get interrupted in the library the other day." Harry said with a bit of suggestion in his voice. Ron looked down to the ground beneath his feet and spoke quietly.
"Right…I didn't realize that you two were quite that…erm…physical?"
"It's not like I've gotten her out of her knickers or anything…" Harry responded quickley, suddenly feeling as though he had upset Ron.
"But you're gonna try! That's saying something Harry." Ron said, brightening up suddenly and throwing his hands in the air.
"I never said I was going to try…'sides I don't think that she'd let me." Harry's face spread into a smile as he saw any conversation not about Buckbeak, Sirius Black, Draco, or the Firebolt as a welcome relief from the normal routine. It was comforting to know that even in a life as odd as his he could still talk to his best mate about trying to get girls into bed.
"If I had a chance to get Killious Enquirous to take even her shirt off for me I'd go for it, just the attempt would make you a thousand times more popular."
"And it'd piss Draco off."
"Brilliant."
Illy pulled the bit of plain parchment off the door of the common room before heading inside,
You,
I think its better this way. I think
that I might be in love with my
best friend. Best of luck to both
of us then,
-Me.
The thin scrap of paper crumbled easily before Illy tossed it into the fire without a second thought. It was a fun childish little affair, nothing more, and not a thing to worry about…hopefully. As she made her way up the stairs to gather some books and parchment to do homework with, she scratched down a copy of the note for Draco.
"Wow, all done with that then…" came back across the board. Illy stuffed her D.A.D.A. book into her bag along with some extra ink.
"Yeah. But I couldn't do that to Harry, it was wrong." She wrote back as she trotted back down the stairs and in the direction of the library.
"It's not the only wrong thing you've done in the relationship."
"Why don't you just make me hate that I kissed you a little more."
"Don't hate it. Just get over the fact that Harry and you aren't good for one another." Illy sighed as she read the message.
"Please, not right now."
"Fine. So, you and him are getting pretty cozy lately."
"I told you about that as a best friend, don't be an ass about it okay?"
"It hadn't crossed my mind, just pretend I'm Jacky."
"I'll do my best to see you as a black, orphaned, homo. But the stuff with me and Harry's not that big of a deal. I've done more with you in public hallways."
"Speaking of hallways, are you eating enough?" Illy pushed open the door to the library and glanced around, searching for a certain bushy haired girl.
"Yes, I'm eating. I've gained two pounds, aren't you proud?"
"Indescribably so; and how is your nasty cleaning habit going?"
"It's going ok…Every now and then it gets bad, but I learned how to heal up the broken skin, so it's not so ugly."
"And how are you sleeping?" She spotted Hermione and took a seat next to her, without looking up from her conversation with Draco.
"Dreams like usual, but they have you in them more, and the last one was actually good, though Lucious has started bringing friends over." Illy waited for a response but it didn't come. She bit her lip and set the stone on the table.
"Been talking to him all day I guess." Hermione said with a knowing smile.
"Yeah, but mostly we talk about Harry." Illy quipped in an attempt to keep Hermione's ever perceptive mind from wandering into her business.
"I see. And did the boys get sick of you? I know they're still mad at me and all."
"No, I came to see you of my own free will; even if you are a spastic present destroyer."
"It could be dangerous!" Hermione defended.
"Let it go Herm, I don't really care, I'm just messing with you. 'Sides, I'm not convinced that Black is all that dangerous to begin with. You should check out some of the articles that the quibbler has on him. Luna showed me the other day."
"Luna who?"
"Luna Lovegood, her dad is the editor…" Hermione just gave Illy a blank stare. "Oh you know, Loony Lovegood? She's a blond, in Ginny's year." Illy pressed. Hermione just looked blankly at her. "Oh well, it's not important, just some interesting theories."
"Right…so, why'd you come up here when your boyfriend is currently not on speaking terms with me?"
"Well I was wondering…and Draco said you might…oh, hold on one second." Illy picked the black board back up, Draco's note was waiting patiently for her. 'I…I had tried to forget…about his friends…she wasn't the only one that his friends came to visit.' Illy gasped and put a hand to her mouth.
"What is it Illy?" Hermione asked with concern.
"Um…it's sort of…" Illy tucked the board away.
"I understand." Hermione said quietly, before letting silence fall until Illy was ready to continue their conversation.
"I came to ask you…" She paused to gather the thought again, "Right, I wanted to know if you'd be willing to get together a study group with Jacky and I. We're all pretty smart, and then you could get to know some of my friends, sort of show the guys that they're not so bad."
"I don't think that would make Ron too happy…" Hermione paused to consider the idea, "But I guess a trial wouldn't hurt." She said with a smile.
"Thank you. Jackquinn's not a bad guy Hermione, and neither is Draco. I really don't want Ron and Jacky to end up like Harry and Draco; it'd kill me to deal with one more rivalry." Illy said with mild exasperation.
"Well, the last time I checked Jackquinn didn't want to snog you, so unless something's changed that should make things a little less complicated." Hermione made the statement like a joke, but something about the fact that she didn't group Ron the same as Jacky made it seem spiteful.
"Yeah, I guess it would." She admitted with a little laugh, before pulling Snape's Christmas present from her bag and flipping it open to a section on alternatives to traditional defensive and offensive spells. Sectumsemptra: A spell for only hostile enemies is best preformed with a forceful and deliberate wand flick as the effect should trace the area outlined with a deep cut. Make note that ill-guided spells can in fact injure the party casting the spell or destroy surrounding inanimate objects. Also, this spell can be healed, though severed body parts cannot be reattached as they have been removed by magic, see 'the healing of offensive injuries, page 459.' Illy stopped reading to pull the board back out of her pocket again.
"Draco…I don't know what to say." She wrote out slowly. Draco's response came back with little more speed than last time.
"I know…it's got to be disgusting for you to know that now and think back to the fact that I've touched you…kissed you, whatever." She could tell he was trying to avoid the subject of their relationship now. Whenever Lucious was an open subject Draco seemed to shy away from his advances and cling to Illy as a friend instead of a potential lover. It made the topic easier to get through for her. Sexual pursuit and Lucious were two things she never wanted to be paired, especially when the person she was talking to them about looked so much like his father it was scary at times.
"No, no it's not that…I'm at a loss for words that can better say 'In a way I understand and I wish I could make you feel better somehow' But I can't come up with anything good." She waited for Draco's response as she moved onto a new spell in her book. Icarus-incantio: To be used only with deliberate intentions and great skill. Icarus-incantio is a useful silent spell, thought it can be used with words it is usually not as effective due to the spells nature of responding to the users emotion. The Icarus will burn whatever object or person it is directed at until there is no more than ash. With practice the spell can be used on singular body parts or pieces of objects, though it can be put out with most water spells and several potions the customary idea of using blankets or ordinary water to douse the flame will only enrage it and in turn burn the objects touching it. The caster should note that the spell is not an unforgivable, but it very close and as such should be used with careful practice and only by those with emotional control. Illy closed the book and pushed it away from her for a moment. Snape's thorough knowledge of how to torment other humans was a little bit daunting, even though it was expected. Thankfully Illy noticed that Draco had written again, she sighed and put the book back in her bag for the time being.
"Oh…don't worry about it. I'm over it."
"How can you be over something like that Draco? I mean how can you even live with him?" Her stomach turned as she thought about the impending summer.
"He never knew. Or at least I don't think he did. It only ever happened when he was throwing parties, or when someone was staying at the house and he was gone…It only happened four or five times…two different people…I handled it myself."
"Draco…that's not something I think you can just decide to be over. You were molested by two different men as a child!"
"I was young, I barely remember it" Draco's writing was becoming slow and thoughtful; she could tell he was thinking about each word before he wrote it, choosing specifically how he wanted to communicate things, 'defending his father even subconsciously' she thought. "The first two times I was passed out when he came into my room, I only woke up because it hurt. I was so out of it from the drinks I always snuck at my parents parties that I really only recall a few seconds of what was going on."
"And what about the other times?" She was indignant, if she didn't lighten her writing either the board or her wand was going to snap. Draco could probably tell she was becoming angry, but he chose to ignore it and continued along with the coolness of someone talking about summer holiday, not childhood molestation.
"Well the third one was worse. My dad and mum had gone up to Gringott's to move some things around in their vaults. One of my dad's old death eater friends was wandering around the place. He told me my dad had said he could go visit" The writing stopped for a moment, "Her, but…he said he liked boys more. I fought him…He hit my head against a wall…when I woke up it was done with."
"How old were you?"
"I don't know? Eight maybe? Something like that, but the fourth time I was nine, I was coming up from her room when I ran into the same guy, he said he'd keep where I had been a secret from my dad if I was quiet. So I guess that was only sort of against my will…The last one was the man from the parties, I was eleven and asleep on Christmas Eve, I woke up when he was halfway through, preformed a cruciatins curse on him. No one's touched me since then." When he finished writing Illy could only stare at the words until they faded. Small tears trickled down her face, onto the board.
She scratched out the word 'fuck' in large letters on the board, followed by more tears and 'damn it.' She wiped the tears from her eyes and sniffled once before gathering herself and writing a real message. Draco waited patiently; as always, he knew when she needed a minute.
"I wish I could get you out of that house."
"Illy, my dad had nothing to do with those. No one did. I was a freaked out little kid. I never told anyone so they couldn't do much about it. When my dad heard someone screaming the last time, he ran up stairs and called in aurors, the guy's still in Azkaban to this day. He called aurors into his own house, would your parents do as much? And just so you know Killy, the tears come through on my side… ink would too, or blood, or most anything you could use to write with."
"Shit…it doesn't feel right to talk about this without you here."
"Let's change the subject then."
"I didn't mean it like that! It's just that…"
"I know. It'd be a lot easier to talk about something like this in the common room when no one was around, half asleep, with my head in your lap."
"Exactly…eerily so."
"But it's fine. I have a question that will distract us from the topic."
"Shoot."
"Jacky and I were talking and he sort of mentioned a few guys…"
"I'm not going to talk about Jacky's sex life."
"Actually I meant yours." Illy looked up from the board after reading Draco's note, Hermione was now leafing through a book with a somewhat bored look, but was decidedly paying Illy no mind, most likely on purpose.
"What all did he tell you?"
"Just that there have been like five guys…Two Italians, a qudditch player, a Portuguese guy, and an auror I believe."
"Yeah, well they were all very odd situations."
"He mentioned that, but since we're on the subject…"
"Fine, we'll swap sex stories."
"You make it sound like an official black market item."
"Who was the more abused child? I think you'll still be winning but…"
"Lead the way, and start from the beginning."
"Ok…well actually I don't know what the beginning is, I mean because of the accident, but I doubt I was doing anything really dirty before I was eleven."
"I can actually see you as an eleven year old call girl."
"Bullocks, you cannot!"
"No not really, but it would be quite a sight."
"Moving on, these all actually happened last year…it was a busy, and very odd year…The first time was in February, I was dropping this package off at a dingy little hotel outside of Moscow. He was the quidditch player, Russian, he was getting fat and old, like thirty something. I think he lost his place on the team the next year, but he was probably just killed or something, I'm not sure. I was delivering an amulet of some sort to him, I remember the freezing cold better than the item really, but when I got there things got a bit wibbly…one minute I was handing him his parcel and in the next he was telling me that he's supposed to kill me because the guy pulling the strings behind his gambling debts is demanding it, but that he didn't realize I was so young and all-"
"One second, last February you were twelve!"
"Yeah, don't interrupt though because this is good stuff. We're going over where my inexplicable use of my body to get what I want comes from." She tried to make everything sound like a joke. It was working on her, but she knew it wasn't doing a thing to Draco, he saw through things too much. These stories were her only wounds, they didn't seem like much compared to Draco, or the girl that Lucious kept, so it didn't feel right to hold them as the same horrific things they once were in her mind. "Anyway, he's got a wand pointed at me, but he looks like he's on the verge of tears, the guy was obviously not a killer. So, I do my best at being seductive…I just sort of told him, 'I'll get you out of this, it's ok, just let me get you a drink' so in the end I just had to blow him off and slip him a sleeping potion in his firewhisky."
"So wait, you didn't really have sex with the guy."
"I think giving a stranger a blow job is horrific enough for a twelve year old girl."
"Right, continue."
"Ok, so next was one of the Italians, in April. I'm in Naples getting pizza after dropping off a bunch of dragon's teeth for a goblin that made armor locally and a guy approaches me. He's a cute, normal looking Italian guy around nineteen, so I have lunch with him and walk to his place with him, when he suddenly puts a hand over my mouth and drags me up the stairs."
"In broad daylight?"
"It was a dark ally, can I continue?"
"Yeah, sorry."
"As I was saying, he drags me up to his apartment and says, 'I so sorry, but I supposed to give you over to my boss. It is my job, nothing I can do about.' Sort of funny really that he struggled so much with the English when I speak Italian."
"Hysterical, really. I find that there is nothing funnier than a pointlessly bilingual rapist who happens to be a professional child kidnapper."
"Well that one was easier because I played Stockholm syndrome and managed to get off with nothing more than about twenty minutes of save my own life sex, before we stumbled into his room and I hit him over the head with a lamp. He was nice actually, and not that bad, better kisser than the others honestly."
"I'm sorry…but this is ridiculous! You're fucking twelve years old and you're doing this shit?"
"I was almost thirteen by then. Remember, it's in May." She felt stupid for correcting a one month difference. "Draco it was survival tactics…it was like I knew how to get out of the situations from some other life. I don't really understand how I lived through all of it! When the time came, I just sort of knew what I had to do to get away." She wanted to remind him that he was younger than eight when the first man paid him a visit, but somehow it felt wrong to point fingers about a matter with the weight of their current discussion.
"Was your old orphanage like a bordello or something?"
"No, it was a shit hole in Upper Dublin"
"Didn't your parents do anything about all of this?"
"They barely talk to me. Notice that they don't plan on seeing me until next year as it stands? Besides, who's going to believe all this stuff, its crazy, makes no sense? Who would hire two people to kill and kidnap me?"
"Guess I didn't think about that."
"Now onto the Portuguese guy. This time I was on a little holiday with my mum and dad in May, and I noticed that the same quidditch player from before was following me around the stores I was going through. My parents are suddenly no where to be found, so I bump into someone half decent looking and got him to take me to his place so that I had someone to protect me from the quidditch psycho. Really he didn't force me into anything, and it only lasted thirty or so minutes, so I guess I got off lucky there, but the last one definitely makes up for it."
"I don't think I can take much more of this. It's like you're a whore of necessity or something!"
"Obviously there were quite a few things that fucked me up before the accident. Someone did something to me then, I didn't just wake up one morning and decide that sex was a defense mechanism."
"I know…it's just…"
"How many girl have you been through in your spoiled fucking lifetime?" She could feel self righteous heat welling in her stomach, and flushes of embarrassment over defending her own promiscuous behaviors creeping across her face.
"Ok, fine, you've only really had sex with two out of three so far, you have me beat in your purity, continue."
"Well, the second Italian really shouldn't even count, but Jacky likes the story because it's the only guy that I really wanted to be with. He was fourteen and we met in a bookstore in Diagon ally. My family was there for a week on business and we were pretty much inseparable, all that happened was that the day before I had to leave I went to his house and we snogged a bit. Didn't even take my pants off, his mum barged in on us with me topless an all, the scene was a bloody mess. He was trying to fend her off while he help me to his chest to keep from showing her a bit more of me than was necessary."
"It's good to know you've had at least one normal relationship…sort of."
"At least I didn't fuck Pansy Parkinson out of spite."
"That wasn't out of spite!"
"At least I didn't fuck Pansy…at all."
"Just finish this sick recount of your budding sexual life please."
"It's good to know that I can share stories of my sexual abuse with someone else."
"This conversation is far too casual."
"Why be serious and remorseful about things that weren't forced on me and are now unchangeable? But none the less this has gone on for about as long as I can stand it. I finish with the auror, who attacked me in the ever so recent July. To make it short I was walking around the ministry and an auror just shoves me up against a wall, kisses me, puts his hand up my skirt and tells me 'I remember this.' Even thought I've never seen him before, and then, he just walks away like nothing happened after a few minutes. I bled all the way to the pisser, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been, had to see a healer, but I can still produce spawn, so the world will not be spared my vengeance."
"…that's fucking sick."
"Says the boy who almost raped me within several weeks of meeting me."
"We've been over this, it wasn't rape."
"Whatever, my hands were pinned and you had a hard on."
"If the bloody fucking twins hadn't shown up you'd have been begging for it within the next fifteen minutes."
"I'm going to pretend we never had this conversation and sit down to enjoy my dinner." Illy finished before looking up from the tablet to see Harry crossing the library towards where she and Hermione sat.
"We spent the afternoon reading over my new books." Illy told Hermione quickly.
"You left your tablet in your room; you were too excited about the book to bother with it." Hermione replied.
The last few days of winter break passed in a salt and pepper of Harry and Draco. Harry seemed to have taken all too kindly to Ron's encouragement and all but lost his temper on more than one occasion when Illy let out a,
"Harry stop it," Which was usually followed by his reluctant removal of his hand from beneath her shirt. Shortly there after Harry would make up some bullshit about the firebolt, which would find Illy trying to make him feel better again, only to lead into a fight when he tried to unbutton her shirt or lift her sweater up,
"I told you Harry, I'm not ready for you to do that"
"You'd let me do whatever I wanted if I was Draco."
"No I wouldn't, don't say things like that."
"Look, you're my girlfriend Illy, we shouldn't have to have this conversation."
"You're right, my boyfriend should understand that when I say 'no' I mean it." A smart slap to the face makes Killious wince and leaves its print in flushing red.
"Don't talk to me like that." Harry says as he shoves her away from him. The first time it happend she felt bad, but by the end of the week she was just glad that he pushed her away instead of pulling her close. Snape's book became her obsession, she would need something if he got out of control; and with an instruction manual like that, she had her pick.
"Don't you walk away from me!" Harry would shout as Illy started to leave, she always turned back around and let him grab at her. Her arms were being spotted in bruises again, and bruises couldn't be taken off with a wand to her knowledge, just hidden by makeup. Harry would be jerkier then, pulling her into his lap, pushing her into a chair, instead of holding her face he pulled her hair, but he usually followed her rules, and at least he always apologized an hour or two later. Sometimes he did it with a flower, or a note, or with some other surprise that summed itself up as, "I'm sorry, I really am, I'll never do it again, please forgive me." She always yielded, but as a personal vengeance she always thought about Draco when his lips found hers for an apology kiss.
None of this reached Draco. She knew he would find out the second he got back. She might have been able to hide the bruises from everyone else on earth, but not him. He would notice. When he watched her hurry out the door in the morning for a run he would catch a bit of blue on her wrist, or when she reached for something in potions with him he would see the black rimmed in yellow on her arm, maybe Harry would really blow it and he'd catch a full handprint on her cheek before she could get ice on it. It didn't matter what it was, he'd notice something, even if it was just that she winced when she brushed her hair.
And so she talked about everything else she could think about. He had already started to ask how things were between them; he was suspicious before he packed his bags to come back. Luckily, his mother was scheduling things for the summer left and right and it was easy to distract him by asking for details, or updates for her calendar. Draco was almost gushing with pride as he talked to her about all of the important people he knew, all the foreign ministers and important ministry workers that she would get to meet: Aurors, healers, and legendary duelers, not to mention his other, less respectable friends, which he wanted her to meet, and get dressed for. His obsession with appearances was dangerous; his fathers pride along with his mother's vanity created a machine that needed to plan out what attire would be appropriate for every minute event…but she had to admit to herself, disappointing him by showing up in jeans here and there would be fun.
So her week came to a frozen close, Draco was impending and ever present all at once. The boards made him seem like he was right next to her all day long, but she managed to cheer herself up after each of Harry's fits with the thought of Draco's return. She woke Draco up each morning with a countdown of days. And when Draco was busy and Harry wasn't interested in trying to cop a feel, there were owls to send off to Jacky, he had in fact talked to Dolan and the two were friends once again.
With one night left and Draco only informed of Harry's persistence in crossing of boundaries Illy closed her eyes and did her best to calm her mind for a dreamless sleep.