Chapter 36

" You say let it go

You say let it go

You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control

You say you will be everything I need

You say if I lose my life, still I'll find my soul

You say let it go"

"Let it go," Tenth North Avenue

It had been a very long night, and though it was far past midnight, Faith knew it wasn't over yet. From the time she and Cordelia had discovered the IRS officials on Cordelia's lawn until the present late evening, where the girls sat together, still fully clothed, on their motel bed, possessions strewn haphazardly over the stained floor, it had seemed that the present was a surreal experience, like walking through an ongoing nightmare that could not be awakened out of even when morning finally came.

When the agents of the IRS had explained their actions to Cordelia, and their reasons for now taking from her nearly everything she owned, including the roof over her head, Cordelia had, for one of the first occasions that Faith had witnessed since she met her, been shocked almost to the point of speechlessness. For several moments she simply gaped at their impassive expressions, her mouth open, eyes at first not blinking at all, then blinking too often and rapidly before she could seem to pull herself together enough to find words to counter the men's declaration. Then, again drawing herself up to her full height as she took in a sharp breath, she had begun to fire off questions with such a dangerous edge to her voice that Faith's head had swiveled back and forth between them, almost expecting Cordelia to become violent.

Cordelia needed them to repeat their explanation several times before its meaning seemed to sink in, and Faith watched as the initial incredulity and near unbelief in her features gradually gave way to horror…and then, to steadily increasing rage, tempered with fear that she could not successfully keep from her eyes. even without her speaking the words, Faith knew the frantic thoughts that must be going through her mind. What would they do, where would they go, how could this be happening…how could this now be her life?

She did not speak to Faith, or even look back at her. In fact, she seemed to have forgotten that she was there. Faith was not offended by this, though she herself was very, very aware of her presence in the moment…and entirely at a loss as to what to do. She stood just behind Cordelia as Cordelia spoke, wanting to somehow reach out to her, whether in words or physical touch, yet having no idea of how to do so without it being rejected in the moment. A few times she lifted her hand, started to touch her, but each time lowered it to her side before Cordelia could come within inches of her grasp. She stood, helpless with empathy for her, at a loss as to how and when to show it, and thought with heavy bitterness that one thing that could be counted on, no matter where you were or who you were, your father or else lack of one was gonna end up screwing up your existence.

She didn't know one person in Sunnydale who's dad hadn't screwed them over, and judging by what she'd learned in Boston too, it was a universal thing. Fathers split, fathers screwed you over, literally and figuratively…fathers sucked. And now Cordy's dad had officially joined the hall of shame.

"When did you last see or speak with your parents, Miss Chase?" Agent Daniels had asked, and Cordelia, thinking back, had realized it was probably the previous morning or the evening before that. She hadn't seen them at all today or the night before, and this, though it was not unusual for her, was suspicious to the IRS, who clearly believed that her parents had fled the previous day's morning, likely soon after Faith and Cordelia had left for school.

"Your father did not show up at his workplace today or yesterday," they had informed her, "And we have not yet been able to track him or your mother down. It's thought that they may not be travelling together, and that one or both of them may be attempting to leave the country. It's a shame you're eighteen, or we could add child abandonment to the charges if you were a few months younger."

"Child abandonment?" Cordelia had said with genuine shock, shaking her head in denial as she put up one hand defensively. "No, this isn't…they didn't just LEAVE me, I'm sure. They'll probably call soon, or, or send me a plane ticket, or…they didn't leave ME, they just LEFT. Look, this is all a mistake. And if it's not, which honestly wouldn't shock me, the leaving me part is, I'll just call them, okay, and this will…"

She was already dialing without finishing her sentence, her face drawn tight with stress. Faith watched Cordelia's fingers tighten around the cell phone as it rang repeatedly, and her stomach flopped sickeningly with the familiarity of what she was seeing. She tried not to picture the empty, filthy apartments she had often come home to alone, the practiced indifference she had learned to show when her mother staggered through the door days later, as Cordelia dialed numbers repeatedly, the fear taking over the fury in her expression as time and time again, her parents both refused to answer her call.

"Do you have anywhere to stay? Maybe with another relative, or your friend here?" one of the agents had finally asked, nodding towards Faith, and Cordelia had blinked, then looked back at her as if only then remembering her.

Seeing the newly dazed look in her eyes as she struggled to process this new factor of her parents' lack of reply, they had gone on to explain to her yet again that her home and most of its possessions were no longer hers. She was allowed to keep her clothes, her school supplies and hygiene supplies, her makeup, and anything put in her own name, such as her car and her college education fund, but everything else was no longer hers. As they were locking up for the night shortly, whatever Cordelia needed had to be removed now, and quickly.

The girls had little choice then but to remove all that Cordelia was allowed to take, and all of Faith's things as well, and load them into Cordelia's car. Cordelia was almost entirely silent throughout this, even as Faith helped, and because of her quiet, Faith did not speak either, scared of what she could not seem to find the words to say. It did not escape her, the irony of Cordelia taking her in only to lose her own home, and though it had nothing to do with her, Faith could not help but feel guilty, as if she had somehow jinxed her with her very presence.

As they loaded up the last of Cordelia's extensive wardrobe, with Cordelia wadding and stuffing items in a way that alarmed Faith all the more, for she knew that Cordelia would never have treated her clothes that way just a few hours ago, Faith was further shocked when Cordelia slid into the passenger seat, indicating that she wanted Faith to drive. A month ago she had been concerned with Faith making her car smell, and now she was handing over the keys? As Faith got in cautiously, looking over to Cordelia's stiff face, she swallowed, her voice soft as she asked, "Cor…you okay?"

"Peachy," came Cordelia's flat reply, and she didn't turn her head. "Just drive."

And so Faith had, though she had received no further direction as to where it was, exactly, she was driving to. She had not driven a car in quite some time, much less one as nice as Cordelia's, and for a while it was enough to concentrate on its operation, because the last thing she wanted was to wreck Cordelia's last valuable possession. But after ten minutes of Cordelia's grim silence, Faith snuck her twentieth glance over at her, then asked, "Cordy…where are we going?"

Cordelia shrugged, a muscle working in her jaw before she replied with such bitterness in her voice it was almost acidic.

"Well if you're my father, to Mexico or New Zealand, and if you're my mother, probably to her sister in Atlanta. But if you're me, apparently to the nearest bridge or street corner, because that's MY new address."

Well, she was still able to speak, anyway. And it wasn't like Faith had expected a sweetly worded reply. She was here, and she was the only one Cordelia could snap at, so if needed, Faith wouldn't fight it.

"We're not gonna have it come to that," she told her quietly. "You've gotta have somewhere to stay. Don't worry about me, I'll find somewhere to go. Even Giles or Buffy if I get totally desperate. You want me to drop you off with a friend or someone? Just say the name and address, and I'll-"

At this Cordelia's head swiveled towards her so sharply Faith heard something in her neck pop, her eyes bulged, and eyebrows slanted steeply as she strained against her seatbelt, vehemently shaking her head as she nearly shouted her response.

"NO! NO, I do not want to stay with ANYONE, I do not want to tell ANYONE!"

Faith blinked, taken aback, and then nodded quickly.

"Okay, sorry, I'm not gonna take you anywhere you don't want to go, Cor, really. I just…kind of want to know where we should go. Because bridge or street corner…been there, done that, and it isn't where I'd pick to spend my night. And sleep in a car isn't much better."

If Cordelia was mollified by her response, it wasn't by much, because she shook her head again, with her lips tightly pressed into a grim line, barely acknowledging Faith.

"No one can know about this," she said, no longer looking at her, but the edge in her voice made it clear to Faith that it was she whom she was addressing. "No one, do you understand? I won't have them laughing at me or pitying me. NO ONE can know."

For a few moments Faith didn't say anything, feeling her forehead crease with her discomfort at this. Because what she had expected was that Cordy WOULD tell someone…that she would find someone to stay with, someone to give her money and food and all the rest she would need. She had been trying to think about where Cordelia might go, because she didn't want to think about where she, Faith, now might end up. But if Cordy didn't want to tell anyone…what would happen?

And yet…she understood. Had she not been in a very similar situation, living in a terrible motel room and not letting anyone know how bad it was, or that she was underage? Was she not now right back where she had started…because if she told about no longer having a place to stay, she would be telling on Cordelia too?

Faith understood pride, and it was because of her respect for Cordelia's that she nodded slowly.

"I won't…I won't tell anyone. But if we won't tell anyone, then we need to decide where it is we're gonna stay."

It had taken a while to decide, but given Cordelia's adamancy against staying in anyone's home, they had no option but to drive to a hotel barely a step above where Faith had previously lived- semi clean, but not so nice it didn't accept Cordelia's cash payment. It was past eleven by the time they finally settled into the room, letting their belongings simply fall to the floor with no effort to put them up, and no sooner had they arrived then Cordelia had sat on the double bed and proceeded to call her parents again, over and over.

Faith had watched this for nearly an hour, at a loss as to what to do. It seemed Cordelia didn't want her to touch or talk to her, and yet to watch her call her parents with no reply, until Cordelia was shaking with growing rage, was so terrible she couldn't bring herself to change her clothes or even take out her toothbrush. She sat apart from her on the bed, watching in silence as her stomach twisted into painful knots.

Cordelia finally gave up by throwing her phone across the room with a frustrated growl, hunching over glaring at where it landed on a pile of her clothes, unharmed. She punctuated her actions by also hitting her fist on the thin bedspread of her and Faith's bed, including it in her glower as though it too had managed to wrong her.

"This is so like them!" she said heatedly, and Faith, seeing this as an indication that Cordy was ready to finally talk, even if it was a one way rant rather than a conversation, finally risked asking a question.

"Like them? Did you think it was a possibility that this was gonna happen?"

"WHAT? You mean, think that my father is a thieving asshole who would rather take other people's money and pretend to be working while really he's just sending interns up to his office to give him a blow job, which means that once he gets caught he's stripping me out of having a house, or, you know, anything, and then jets off like a coward and wont' answer my calls because they might be traced, which means I not only have no house or things but absolutely no remaining reputation or respect, because he's going to be in the paper and on the news and everywhere I look, and people will laugh at me and say that's her, that's Cordelia Chase, that's HIS daughter, and Harmony will be so damn happy because she'll be the richest person in the school now and she'll be all up in my face about it acting like she's sorry for me, but really using it as a way to stick it to me? Are you asking if I saw all THAT coming? Because the answer is NO, Faith, somehow I just didn't see all that coming!"

There wasn't much Faith could think of to say to that, but then, Cordelia didn't give her much opportunity to. she turned her whole body to face Faith abruptly, her eyes dark with the ferocity of her anger as she demanded, "Where the hell are they, and why aren't they calling me? I get about they're not using their phones because they could be traced or whatever. But they could borrow someone else's phone, or buy a prepaid one, or even use a PHONE booth, so why the hell aren't they? Why aren't they picking up the phone to say, "Oh hey Cordy, by the way we lost everything we own because we are so damn lazy we stole everything, and we're on the lam now, hoping we pick up new languages fast because we'll need the skill when we spend the rest of our lives in England!"

They spoke English in England, Faith was pretty sure, but hardly thought it was the time to point this out.

"I don't know," she said quietly, shrugging. "I don't' know, Cordelia. I'm sorr-"

"I mean, it's not like I WANT to talk to them, that is the last thing I want," Cordelia cut her off, barely seeming to have realized Faith had spoken, even as her eyes bore into hers with sharp intensity, her body leaning in to her. "I could care less about the pathetic reasons and excuses for this they'd have. Like I really want to hear about how their lives are so hard, having to wear cheap ski masks and baseball hats to hide their pathetic faces instead of getting plastic surgery or a mink hat or something, and how they can't travel first class out of the country when they leave me back here with nothing! It's not like I could stand to look at them right now without wanting to strangle them with Daddy's silk ties or Mommy's diamond necklaces. No way in hell do I want to BE with them. But they could at least call me, text me, email me- not that I'd know if they did THAT, since my laptop is now custody of the IRS, but god, they could at least let me know what they did, admit it to me!"

She sat up straighter, eyebrows slanting towards her nose as a new thought came to her. "The ASSHOLES! Daddy went on and on about living up to the Chase family name, like it's so precious and sacred, he went on about ME being an embarrassment going with Xander, and look at HIM! Not only is he screwing half the town, he's stealing from them too! And then all the police are at our house, and the movers, and you know how small town cops talk, even if it wasn't for the paper or the news, even if Daddy managed to pay them off from talking, the cops might tell their wives, their wives will tell their friends, their kids will overhear, and soon they'll l all know, everyone in the whole state, probably in the whole damn universe! God, thank god no one reads the paper around here…but TV, if it's on TV or just spread by word of mouth…god, this is so TYPICAL, this is so damn embarrassing, and there he was talking about ME! ME, when I never slept with everything with a dick in town, when I never stole more than one lipstick since I was twelve, when I'm not the one running like a big fat chicken ass who can't even pick up a ringing telephone when I hear it! ME, embarrassing, ME, ruining the stupid family name!"

Cordelia hit the bed again, and Faith thinned her lips, taking in a slow breath as she tried to figure out what she should say, what it was Cordelia wanted to hear.

"It's probably not gonna be on TV, Cor…I mean, with all the celebrity drama going on all the time, there's gotta be a bigger story than this breaking tonight, right? It's California. And it's not like your dad was arrested-"

"Yeah, because he's on the RUN!" Cordelia snapped. "He's a FUGITIVE, he's going to be having everyone LOOK for him, which means they will want to put up pictures so they can FIND him, which means he'll probably be on the news every day until they catch him! They'll probably put up wanted posters too, the only time in his whole life anyone ever wanted him for his LACK of money!"

"Cordy…I don't think it's gonna be like that," Faith tried again. "It's not like he killed someone-"

"No, he just murdered my last shred of ability to hold my head up in public," Cordelia snarled, but Faith pushed through, talking over her with determination.

"He didn't do something you'll get death penalty for, so this isn't gonna be a big news thing, I bet. I mean, our town's obituary is as long as the rest of the paper combined, you know? And these are Sunnydale cops we're talking about. If they can't find him in a day or two they'll give up and go back to looking for their donuts. Probably hardly anyone will know. I mean, look how long it took everyone to figure out I'm not eighteen."

Apparently Cordelia couldn't find much fault with this logic, for she changed the subject. Kicking her foot against the lower part of the bed and scowling, she jabbed a finger at the bed with obvious disgust, gesturing around the room.

"I have NEVER had to stay at a place like this in my LIFE, this is RIDICULOUS! LOOK at this place, it's HIDEOUS! And the closets and drawer space are insanely NOT adequate for one person to use!"

Faith looked around herself again, though by now she already knew, of course, what she would see. The room was hardly fancy, harboring one bed, one nightstand with a cheap lamp and alarm clock, a tiny, decently clean bathroom, and a medium sized TV on a six drawer dresser. It wasn't the nicest place to stay, but compared to the motel Faith had been used to, or sleeping on a park bench, it was pretty damn all right to her.

"Well…yeah, it sucks, Cordy," she said, exhaling. "But you'll probably survive staying for a night or two before we figure out what we'll do next."

"I shouldn't have to!" Cordelia sputtered, shaking her head fiercely as she turend her glare from the bedspread to Faith, jaw clinching. "I shouldn't HAVE to spend a night or two here, I should be in my own home and my own bed in my own neighborhood, and I WOULD be, except it turns out that it wasn't paid for with my parent's own money, which means it belongs to someone else and I don't own shit. God, they are both such assholes!"

Her voice was rising, becoming louder and faster and more strident, and Faith braced herself for yet another round of ranting, inwardly steeling herself not to respond to any abuse that Cordelia might fling at her. Tonight, at least, whatever she said, she wasn't going to take it personally or get pissed. She might not let Cordelia keep saying things…but she wouldn't get pissed either.

"They are such assholes!" Cordelia repeated, her voice even louder now, the anger in its tone building as she spoke faster, her muscles rigid with the strength of her feelings. "MOMMY and all her Botox and breast implants and tanning and her pool boy playtimes, her expensive jewelry and her fur coats and 5 billion purses, and her drinking and Xanax, and then there's DADDY and his whores and his cars and his new gadgets, all from money that isn't THEIRS, stealing, lying, running, all the time it was "Cordelia be a lady, Cordelia this is all yours, fair and square, Cordelia say hello to this client I stole from, Cordelia don't embarrass us, Cordelia get good grades, Cordelia stay pretty, stay perfect, date a football player, you're not good enough if you don't, and look at them, what are THEY? White trash thieving cowards, every bit as much as all the people they said I couldn't be around, MORE! I hope like hell I'm adopted because I don't want any part of them to be part of me! They were more worried about looking after the damn poodle then me, and they even took her with them and left ME, their DAUGHTER, behind! They picked the POODLE over me, they left ME behind!"

And then, to Faith's shock, all of the rage that had darkened Cordelia's features so dominantly suddenly dissipated, her expression collapsing as she began to sob, her voice heavy with pain and thick with tears as she repeated, her words shaky and nearly incoherent.

"They left me…they left me behind. Oh god, they left me behind."

There seemed to be only one possible reaction to this change in her, only one acceptable action to the shift of Cordelia's emotions, and Faith didn't take time to further consider her response. She simply reached for Cordelia and wrapped her arms around her, hugging her to her, and she noticed in time that Cordelia's arms slowly went around her as well, that she let her forehead come to rest against Faith's shoulder without protest as her sobs gradually slowed.

As Faith continued to hold Cordelia, her heart twisted with her empathy for her, her mouth dry, and she swallowed, looking past her to focus on the opposite wall so she wouldn't' have to look down at Cordelia to see as well as hear and feel her pain. It was a pain Faith knew all too well.

Her father had left her before she was even born, rejected her before he even knew who she was, and her mother had sometimes left for days or even weeks without seeming any happier when she returned. And then, when she had died, Faith had wanted not to care. She had wanted to hate her mother. But all she could think of was the tired, almost affectionate way her mother had looked at her as she called her Firecracker, the way she had occasionally fingered her hair, and she couldn't do it. She couldn't not want her. And no matter how much she tried, she couldn't make herself not want her mother to want her.

She knew it must feel the same way for Cordelia, so she didn't try to tell her it was okay. She didn't say anything. she held her until Cordelia's tears ceased, and only then did she tell her anything at all, arms still tightly around her.

"We'll get through this, Cor…I promise. I'll help you. We'll make it better."

There was some awkwardness between them when they eventually drew away from each other, with Cordelia retreating into the bathroom to blow her nose and wipe her eyes, but when she returned sitting to face Faith on the bed, close enough that their knees touched, she was composed again, serious, even as Faith was aware of the pain still standing in her gaze.

"Don't tell anyone about this. Any of this," she said quietly, and Faith knew she was speaking of more than her tears. "I don't want anyone to know. So please…don't tell them…any of them, Faith. Please."

Faith hesitated, still holding Cordelia's gaze. She much better than Cordelia understood the difficulties that awaited them if she agreed, if they were going to get through this without help. It had been such a short time she hadn't had to worry anymore, that she knew everybody was here to know, and she had money, food, and shelter…and now Cordelia was asking her to give it up again. She could understand and identify with her pride…but still…

"What about Giles," she said. "What about when he comes to pick me up for training?"

"I'll drive you to school with me…you can tell him you just decided to start coming early, to save him a trip. Please, Faith."

Cordelia had never looked at her like that before, like she depended on her. Like she trusted her…and with a slow inhalation, Faith nodded.

"I won't tell."

But as the girls lay sleepless in their bed hours later, Faith could only stare at the ceiling, wondering how long they could make it work.