Hey all you beautiful readers, just wanted to apologize real quick for such a long gap between this chapter and the last. Just had some personal shit I was working through. But we should be back on track now. Thanks to everyone who stuck around. I'd love to keep hearing what you think. One more thing: THIS IS QUITE A LONG STORY, WITH MANY BUMPS IN THE ROAD. BUT IT IS A PAILY STORY. Just try to keep that in mind if you get frustrated with me. Thank you for reading. Seriously. Thanks.

Paige wasn't expecting the first letter. She wasn't someone who had ever had a pen pal or had ever written letters as a means of actual communication. The envelope was addressed to "Paige D. McCullers," though, so it wasn't difficult to guess who it was from. Emily must have asked Tuck for the address. It was the first piece of personal mail Paige had received since she had moved into her grandparents' house and it made her new reality seem a bit more cemented in her mind. This was her home and home is where your love letters are delivered. She wanted to rip open the little envelope immediately and devour this piece of Emily as soon as she'd laid hands on it, but she was late getting to the hospital as it was, so she made due with tucking the thing into her jeans pocket. Then in the car she set it gingerly on the passenger seat and pretended Emily was with her. Then she realized how sappy that was, so she moved it into her lap. If she was going to pretend Emily was there, why not put where she really wanted her to be?

It took Paige longer than normal to find a parking space, so even though she'd planned on reading the letter before she went in, she didn't feel like she had time anymore. She hesitated just a moment with the letter in her hand before she got out of the car then she stuffed it underneath the thermal Henley she was wearing and into her bra.

"When did I get so sappy?" she asked herself as she pulled on her corduroy and sheep's wool coat and stepped out of the car, heading up to her grandmother's room. She was half way there when she remembered the Tupperware container of cookies in the backseat of the car and had to go all the way back down to grab them.

By the time she walked into Hazel's room she was half an hour later than normal.

"You just missed Dr. Korlock," Hazel announced as she walked in. "He says that I'm a tough old bird and I can go home at the end of next week and start my outpatient rehab."

"He did not call you an old bird," Paige grinned, kissing her grandma on the cheek and settling herself down into the armchair next to her bed.

"No, I'm paraphrasing," Hazel chuckled. "But that's what he meant! He told me I've recovered a damn sight quicker than he thought I would. I've grown fond of him. I think I might actually miss him when I get to leave."

"You just think he's handsome," Paige laughed.

"How old do you think he is?" Hazel said, reaching for the container of cookies Paige had set on the bedside table. "Maybe we could set him up with Tuck. Is he seeing anyone right now?"

"Grandma…" Paige drawled out. "He's way too old for Tuck. It takes forever to become a doctor. He's gotta be at least 30. Probably older."

"Well they don't have to get married! They could just have a little fun together when Tuck comes home for Christmas! Maybe Tuck is into older men? You should ask him. Send him one of those text things you kids do."

Paige shook her head in disbelief. "I'm pretty sure most grandparents don't try to set their grandkids up on one-night stands. As far as I know, though, he doesn't have a boyfriend right now."

"Ask him. Ask him!" Hazel said shooing Paige into action with her hands. "And eat this, you look too skinny," she added, thrusting a cookie into Paige's half opened mouth.

Paige rolled her eyes, but pulled out her phone. "Fine," she huffed out around the cookie.

She typed out a quick message to Tuck that read, "Seeing anyone? Gram found a hot doctor for you."

Paige and Hazel munched on their cookies in silence for a few minutes while they waited for Tuck's response, but he didn't answer as quickly as Paige thought he would and soon Hazel had finished her cookie.

"Well, did you think of something to get Emily yet?" Hazel asked. The two had been brainstorming together for what Paige could get Emily for her birthday.

"Ugh," Paige exhaled loudly, tilting her head back in the chair. "No. I suck. I should just send her an apology note for being so lame."

"Oh, don't be so melodramatic," Hazel scolded. Paige had spent a great deal of time telling her grandmother the entire story of how she and Emily had met and gotten together, and Hazel could tell how smitten the two were with each other. "You could send that girl a pair of knee socks and she'd be thrilled."

"Knee socks?"

"That's what your grandfather gave me our first Christmas together," Hazel said. "Argyle," she added, nodding.

"And you still married him?" Paige laughed.

"It was early days," Hazel told her. "He got much better at gift giving."

"Well, I think I can do better than knee socks," Paige said, but there was a kernel of doubt still niggling at her.

Paige's phone buzzed against the bedside table then and she snatched it up. Tuck's response said, "Currently in between suitors. Send pics."

"Tuck wants pictures," Paige said, glancing up at Hazel.

"We'll have to do some recon on our walk today," Hazel replied. "Show me how to use that to take a picture."

Half an hour later, Paige had taught Hazel how to use her phone to take pictures and had hoisted her out of bed and into her wheelchair. It was lucky Paige was so in shape from her swim training. She could practically lift Hazel by herself and with her grandmother able to support more and more of her own weight as the days went by, the transfers from bed to chair and back were getting easier and easier. The two worked well together.

Paige pushed her out to the nurse's station first. "Hello ladies! And Evan, of course," Hazel announced cheerily. "Have a cookie."

Everyone in the geriatric ward knew Hazel and Paige very well by now, and while Paige was often quiet around the doctors and nurses, they all smiled at her warmly whenever they saw her. One of the nurses in particular always made it a point to greet Paige by name every day she was there.

Paige offered the tub of cookies around to all the nurses while Hazel glanced around the hallway for any signs of Dr. Korlock. There was a general chorus of "thank you"s and yummy noises that echoed around the room while they each took a cookie, and then the woman who always greeted Paige caught her eye.

"Thanks, Paige," she said sincerely with a warm smile.

"No problem," Paige mumbled back. The girl made her nervous. She never tried to actually start a conversation with Paige, but without fail, she always managed to hold her gaze for a few second and thank her by name. Paige couldn't figure out what this woman's game was.

"Is Doctor Korlock around?" Hazel asked loudly. "I forgot to ask him something when he came by my room this morning."

The nurse that had just thanked Paige glanced down at her watch before saying "He's probably over in the other geriatric wing by now. Over on the other side of the elevators." She pointed in the direction of the elevator bank as she said this.

"Thank you very much," Hazel said with a loud, whooping laugh as Paige spun her around in a circle quickly and took off in the other direction.

The two whizzed past the elevators and down a long connecting hallway with big windows stretching across both walls. Then Paige slowed down and they began to search in earnest for the cute doctor as they reached the next set of hallways that contained patient rooms. They were nearing the end of the first hall when Hazel heard his voice and whispered, "Quick, pull behind that column!"

Paige darted behind the column that was at the end of the hallway and pulled Hazel around the far side so she could lean around and see when Dr. Korlock came out of the patient's room he was currently in.

"Act natural," she hissed at Paige who turned and leaned against the pillar and crossed her arms before deciding that seemed suspicious and then letting them nervously swing by her sides. By the time Dr. Korlock came out of the room she was actually twiddling her thumbs, whistling, and staring at the floor. Luckily, he didn't seem to notice them and headed in the other direction toward the nurse's station in the middle of the double hallway.

"Don't become a professional poker player," Hazel laughed at Paige and as she pulled at her sleeve to bring her back over.

"Oh, be quiet. I would've pretended to be on my phone, but someone was using it to take pictures. I didn't know what to do with my hands!" Paige said, trying to defend her poor spying abilities. "Did you get any shots or not?"

"I got some good full body ones, now we just need to get his face," Hazel said. "Let's swing around the other hallway and come up. You offer him a cookie and I'll take care of the rest."

Paige narrowed her eyes at her grandmother, not sure what she was planning, but reluctantly pushed her wheelchair down towards the connecting hallway that formed a U with the one they were currently in, and headed back towards the nurses' station anyway. Unfortunately, the sort of friendly nurse that was overly fond of saying Paige's name seemed to have made her way over here, too, and was now speaking to Dr. Korlock. Paige really wanted to turn around. She had a very bad feeling about whatever antics her grandma was planning. Against her better judgment, though, she pushed forward as Hazel called out to the doctor.

"There you are, Dr. Korlock! I was hoping to run into you again. Would you like a cookie?" Hazel asked him genuinely.

"I'd love one of your delicious cookies. All the nurses go crazy over them. Your granddaughter is quite the baker," Dr. Korlock smiled up at Paige.

"Thanks," Paige smiled and ran her finger through her hair nervously. The nurse was staring at her again. "They're uh…a family recipe."

"I was also wondering if you would mind being in some pictures for me?" Hazel pressed on. "Paige is making a scrapbook of my time here at the hospital. She's so sentimental and she's taken quite a shine to you."

Paige felt like she was going to die. Her face was bright red. She felt so hot suddenly, she was sure she had contracted some horrible fever. Her face was torn between rage and horror. Dr. Korlock had an unwavering bedside manner, however, and he just chuckled jovially.

"Sure! My sister loves scrapbooking," he said, and Paige worked through her mortification and went to stand by the doctor at Hazel's insistence. "What is it about scrapbooking that you like so much, Paige?"

Paige moved to stand beside him and chewed on her lip nervously as he slung his arm around her shoulders. "I…I guess I just really like stickers," she croaked out and immediately felt a new wave of heat wash over her face from her furious blushing.

"Well who doesn't love a good sticker?" he said, smiling broadly as Hazel held the phone up to take the picture.

"Say cheese!" Hazel said happily, ignoring the scathing looks that Paige was shooting at her.

Paige was just about to move away from him, when Hazel spoke up again. "Let's get a few with the lovely nurses," she said, waving them into the shot.

Paige hung her head in defeat for a moment and before she knew it the entire nursing staff surrounded her and her grandma was happily snapping away with her phone.

It went on for a good twenty minutes. Hazel just had this effect on people. Before Paige knew it, everyone was posing for different pictures and laughing at the nicknames Hazel was using to direct them. Then Paige was handed the phone and everyone gathered in different configuration around Hazel in her wheelchair. The session ended in what Paige had to admit was an adorable photo of Dr. Korlock and Hazel giving each other bunnies ear. Paige couldn't help but smile and begin to enjoy herself as Hazel promised to get prints made for them to put up on the ward's bulletin board, patting their hands and cheeks as they all came over to give her a hug. Not for the first time in her life, Paige wished she had inherited even an ounce of her grandmother's social grace. People couldn't help but love Hazel McCullers. She always seemed to know what to say or do to put a person at ease. Eventually, Paige stepped back and let her just talk to the adoring nurses as they gushed over how much they were going to miss her when she went home.

After the hubbub died down, Paige wheeled Hazel back to her room and got her back into bed. Soon, Hazel was gently snoring with her head resting on a fluffy stack of pillows Paige had brought over from the house her the week before. Even though she was steadily gaining her strength back, Hazel was still easily worn out. Paige took the opportunity to sneak out. There was a small chapel on the ground floor of the hospital that Paige sometimes went to when the doctors were busy with her grandma. The chapel was quiet and comforting to Paige-the-pastor's-daughter, and very rarely was there anyone else in the place. It was a nice little hideout for an introvert to refuel. Paige hadn't forgotten about Emily's letter and she thought it would be the perfect secluded spot to read it.

The sounds of the busy hospital all fell away as Paige entered the mini-sanctuary and let the heavy door thunk closed behind her. There were a few fake stained glass windows on the walls and five pews on either side of the room with a small aisle between them. Up at the front of the room was a large cross mounted on the wall and small podium with a Bible opened on its surface. The chapel was empty, as Paige expected it would be. Her body relaxed a bit as she walked up to the third pew and sat down heavily on the long, red cushion that ran its length. She closed her eyes for a moment and rolled her head back and forth, cracking her neck several times before she reached into her shirt and pulled out Emily's letter.

"You always keep secret documents in your undergarments?" a snarky voice spoke seemingly out of nowhere, scaring the crap out of Paige.

"What the hell?" Paige shouted jumping up and looking around at the other pews. It was that nurse again that was always saying Paige's name. She was stretched out in the pew opposite her with one arm behind her head and a book opened in her hand. "Are you following me or something?" Paige barked at her, extremely unnerved by her sudden presence.

She seemed fairly young, this nurse, with sharp green eyes and hair that was pulled back into a messy bun. The nurse cocked one eyebrow and flashed a lopsided smile at Paige before she said, "You must not be very familiar with tailing people. I would have had to come in here after you to be following you. And I was definitely in here before you stomped in."

"I didn't stomp," Paige snarled at the woman.

"You're right," the nurse shot back. "It's probably just the unnaturally heavy footfalls caused by those Doc Martins." She flashed a smug smile at Paige who blushed for probably the 20th time that day.

"You know what?" Paige said cockily. "No more cookies for you."

The nurse sat up and laughed at the comment, shaking her head slightly. "You are so fucking cute," she said staring intently at Paige. "I definitely didn't take you for someone who would be into Dr. Korlock. Guess I was wrong."

Paige's eyebrows shot up and her eyes went wide. No one, well, no female, other than Emily, had hit on her in such an aggressive manner before and she kind of liked it.

"No, that was…ugh…my grandma, she's was trying to get pictures of him to send to my brother," Paige stuttered out, her stomach churning uncomfortably. For some strange reason, she didn't want this woman to think she was straight. "I'm a…I mean…um…women. I like women."

"Women," the nurse nodded and bit her bottom lip slightly, her eyes wandering up and down Paige's body, making the other girl gulp.

"I have one," Paige blurted out, feeling a little like she was being devoured by this conversation.

"A woman?" the nurse asked.

"A…yeah…a girlfriend," Paige said nervously, holding up the letter. "This is her," she added, feeling like she needed to prove it somehow.

The nurse gave here a pitying look and said, "God, I hate to break this to you, Paige," she drew out her name like she was tasting it, "but that is a letter, not a woman."

Paige threw an exasperated look at her and rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean."

"Too bad," the nurse said, licking her lips slightly and sighing before she laid back down, put the book up in front of her face and started reading again.

Paige was a little thrown off by the abrupt end of the conversation. Maybe it was because she hadn't had much interaction with anyone near her own age that wasn't over the phone in weeks, but she felt the desire to keep talking to this woman. She decided not to look into this desire too closely as she let her eyes wander. just for a moment, over the other woman's scrub-clad body, her attention finally coming to rest on the book the woman was reading. She recognized the book as one Emily had shown her during one of their nights together at The Log. It was Emily's favorite poet, Anne…something.

"Anne…" Paige said out loud, the cover just a little too far away for her to read the author's last name.

"Wrong again," the nurse said without putting her book down. "My name's Adrienne."

"No," Paige clarified, gesturing at the book. "The book. It's Anne—"

"Carson, yeah," Adrienne said flippantly, still reading. Then she suddenly burst out laughing. "God, this conversation is like straight out of The L Word!"

"What?" Paige had no idea what she was talking about.

Finally Adrienne lowered the book. "Jenny and Marina," she said like it was the most obvious thing in the world, "they talk about Anne Carson in the first episode. They were talking about Eros the Bittersweet, though. This is The Autobiography of Red."

Paige just stared at her with a blank expression. "Sorry, I don't know what that is," she said sheepishly.

"Seriously?" Adrienne said with her eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Oh."

She sat up again, with a silent battle waging very obviously in her facial features. Eventually she seemed to throw Paige a bone, though, because rather than tease her, she said, "The L Word is a show about lesbians. It was on Showtime in the early 2000s. It was kind of groundbreaking. It's really big in the queer community. You should check it out. It's very…educational." On this last word, Adrienne's mischievous smirk made a reappearance on her face.

"Right," Paige said, trying to act cool. "I'm just, kind of new. At all this." She shrugged like it was no big deal. "Maybe I'll watch it."

"Just passed your test, huh?"

"There's a test?" Paige asked, a bit of panic creeping into her voice.

"Calm down," Adrienne said quickly, taking pity on Paige. "It was a joke."

"Yeah, I knew that," Paige said, crossing her arms and leaning back against the pew in front of her.

"So," Adrienne, thinking it was best to change the subject, "you like Anne Carson?"

"Um, I've actually never read it," Paige explained. "She's my girlfriend's favorite author, though."

"Oh yeah?" Adrienne asked, intrigued. "So are you guys going to the reading tomorrow night?"

"Oh, no, she lives in Illinois," Paige said then she realized what Adrienne had just said about the reading. "Wait, is Anne Carson coming here?"

"Yep, she's reading from her new book and doing a signing," Adrienne said. "You could come with me, if you want, get a book signed for your girl."

"Holy shit," Paige said grinning. "That would be perfect! I've been losing my mind trying to think of something to get her for her birthday."

"Long distance, though," Adrienne commented, "that blows."

Paige suddenly remembered, coming down from her excitement about Anne Carson, that she had only met Adrienne, and really didn't know why she was offering to let Paige tag along to the event.

"It works just fine for us," Paige told her, protective walls coming back up quickly. "This isn't going to be some kind of date, okay? It's just…friendly. Right?"

"Got it, Sarge," Adrienne said giving Paige a small salute.

"Did you really just salute me?"

"Well, clearly, you're in charge here," Adrienne grinned.

After Adrienne and Paige had exchanged numbers so they could meet up the next day, Adrienne left to get back to work. Finally, Paige had a moment, completely alone, to read her letter from Emily. She opened it carefully and unfolded the paper and sat down again in the pew to read.

Nov 5

Dear Paige,

My mother has always told me that the older a person gets, the faster time seems to pass for them. It makes sense. I am sure she's right, but so far it hasn't happened to me. Especially lately.

I can still picture you here so clearly. Every room has become a room you used to be in. Sometimes when no one else is home, I close my eyes and walk around the house and imagine you are with me.

All of my poems lately, no matter how they begin, seem to turn into poems about blindness. There are grooves in the railings of the staircases around campus from the multitudes of hands that have run across them. The steps themselves in the oldest building on campus are worn down in their centers into shallow little bowls that hold the feet like a lover. Babies can actually die from lack of touch. These are the types of things I find myself writing about.

So far the only thing I've been able to say for certain is that yellow is the color of blindness, though I haven't been able to explain why yet.

I know we talk on the phone and text all the time so I don't expect you to write back to me. I just love writing letters and wanted to send this to you because I'm thinking about you all the time anyway.

I miss you baby.

Love,

Em

Paige smiled as she finished reading the letter. She couldn't help but love how deeply Emily felt about everything and also feel a little in awe over her ability to express herself. She wished she could put her feelings about things into words as easily as Emily seemed to. Behind the letter there was a poem by ee cummings that Emily had copied out for her.

You are tired,
(I think)
Of the always puzzle of living and doing;
And so am I.

Come with me, then,
And we'll leave it far and far away—
(Only you and I, understand!)

You have played,
(I think)
And broke the toys you were fondest of,
And are a little tired now;
Tired of things that break, and—
Just tired.
So am I.

But I come with a dream in my eyes tonight,
And knock with a rose at the hopeless gate of your heart—
Open to me!
For I will show you the places Nobody knows,
And, if you like,
The perfect places of Sleep.

Ah, come with me!
I'll blow you that wonderful bubble, the moon,
That floats forever and a day;
I'll sing you the jacinth song
Of the probable stars;
I will attempt the unstartled steppes of dream,
Until I find the Only Flower,
Which shall keep (I think) your little heart
While the moon comes out of the sea.

If only she could, Paige thought, just run away and hide with Emily in this little world of poetry she was so adept at building around them. Emily was giving Paige the words she needed to get by, the words she never seemed to be able to find, and she felt such an aching relief rush through her as she held the paper carefully in her hands. Being in love was turning out to be more complicated than she had expected. It wasn't that things were bad in Paige's life. She just felt so stretched, like she was reaching for a dozen different things at the same time, and she knew it was a precarious balance she was trying to maintain. She was tired. Emily was right.