CHAPTER THIRTY EIGHT
Spring, 1981

Narcissa nearly had a fucking heart attack.

After she had left her husband and son in the baby's room so that Lucius could possibly try to get Draco to sleep after Severus had left, a hand was placed over her mouth and she was forcibly spun around so that her back was against the wall in the hallway. It shocked Narcissa so badly that she didn't even have time to scream before her eyes settled on her 'captor' and a rush of conflicting feelings washed through her.

It was Bellatrix.

"What happened?" the other woman asked in a heated whisper, causing Narcissa to look at her like she had gone bloody insane. Which, honestly, wouldn't be far off from how she looked; her eyes were bloodshot, her hair was in disarray, and she looked much too antsy for whatever this stealth attack was supposed to achieve.

"Are you fucking kidd—" Narcissa tried once Bellatrix had let go of her mouth, but apparently she was being too loud because Bellatrix shoved her hand over it again, effectively silencing her.

"Shh! Jesus, Cissy; I don't have much time, so just tell me."

Narcissa glared at her sister, her hand coming up to rip Bellatrix's off of her face in an irritated huff. She still indulged her sister's insane behavior though and instead of saying anything more she took her hand, pulling Bellatrix into one of the guest rooms before closing the door and casting Muffliato on the room.

"What the hell are you on?!" Narcissa shrieked then, not at all liking how Bellatrix looked right then. She had seen her sister get high before and whatever the hell this was, it looked far too similar for her to just ignore. She looked fucking mental.

"What? Nothing!" Bellatrix denied, looking at Narcissa like she was the insane one for even thinking something like that. "Jesus, Cissy, I just—I just don't even remember the last time I bloody slept, alright? So just fucking tell me if Snape said anything while he was visiting earlier so I can go. You're not the only stop I have to make."

"What the hell have you been doing?" Narcissa demanded, not about to give Bellatrix what she wanted until she answered some questions of her own. "You look like a fucking mess, Bella; and I certainly do not mean in the 'hot' way. What the hell is going on?"

"Nothing is fucking going our way anymore, that's what's 'going on'!" Bellatrix practically shouted at her. "I don't trust anyone anymore, do you understand me? I don't know how the Order is getting information before we are, and I don't know why any of our spies aren't giving us anything useful. It's been months and we still don't even know who this bloody child is; all we've done is narrow it down to two boys who were born at the end of July, and even that isn't one hundred percent because to be perfectly honest, I don't trust the source of the information! And even if I did it wouldn't matter, because both of the children's families seemed to have disappeared off the face of the bloody earth!"

"Do you understand what will happen if we don't find this baby, Narcissa?" Bellatrix asked, grasping onto her sister's arms as her gaze bore into the blonde's. "I will not have everything I've worked so hard for die before my eyes. I just fucking won't."

"Bella, come on… calm down," Narcissa tried, growing concerned over her sister's erratic behavior. She knew the wall that Voldemort put in Bellatrix's mind to ward away the madness was sound, but this still teetered a line that Narcissa really did not like. She knew Bellatrix was stressed beyond belief right now, but she didn't want her falling apart over it. "This child is… what, nine months old right now? If even? Nothing's going to happen right now, I assure you. No infant has that kind of power."

"You don't know that!"

The sound was piercing, going straight through Narcissa in such a way that it struck fear over something she believed long dead. She suddenly got a little nauseous.

"Bella, darling, please…" Narcissa begged softly, gently cupping her sister's face in her hand. She didn't like how this was making her feel; it was far too familiar. "Look at me, okay? Believe me when I tell you everything will be alright…"

But Bellatrix didn't believe her.

She tore herself away from her sister's embrace, a frustrated hand attempting to run through her matted hair. It got stuck and she swore, ripping it out. Narcissa winced. "You don't know anything, Narcissa!" she seethed, frustrated. "All you do is stick your head in the sand and pretend nothing is going on, so why the hell would you think I would ever believe you?! God, I'm not insane, alright? I know you think I am but I'm not; something is going on. Everything is going to shit now and there has to be a reason, there has to!"

"Bella, this is a war!" Narcissa exclaimed, needing her to understand what that meant. "You won't win every battle. You won't always have the edge, do you understand me? I might not know much, and I might have barely paid attention in History of Magic, but I at least learned enough about wars to know that. I'm sorry you're frustrated and that it's making you paranoid, but this isn't the first battle you've lost, so why is this any different than the last time the Order outsmarted you?"

"Because there's been a prophecy, you absolute fucking moron."

Narcissa set her jaw, not about to just stand here and be called names when she was only trying to help. "Alright, you know what, if I really am that utterly moronic, then you clearly don't need my assistance," she told her, voice level. "You may see yourself out."

"Oh don't be such a sensitive prat," Bellatrix spat, even more irritated that Narcissa took her insult to heart. "I thought you were a woman now; bloody grow a pair."

"Contrary to whatever women you may think you've been sleeping with, women don't actually have a 'pair' to grow. I've always thought those prostitutes you used to fuck were questionable though, so I guess that answers my question."

"Oh, fuck off," Bellatrix groaned, dramatically rolling her eyes. "You know the sight of dick makes me bloody nauseous. When did you become so… unfun? It's like you can't even take a joke anymore."

"This is a joke to you?" Narcissa seethed, looking at her sister incredulously. "You come into my home looking raving fucking mad, tell me you're basically unraveling because you think some newborn baby is going to pop out of the sodding woodwork and kill your precious Lord, and this is somehow funny to you? I want you back on fucking medication, Bella."

"For bloody what? I'm sane."

"Yeah, you sound really fucking sane," Narcissa shot back, infuriated with her now. Why did she always have to do this? Why was it that the second Narcissa believed her life might finally be okay, Bellatrix had to come in and turn it upside down again? "And for the record, it's a little difficult trying to spy on your husband and his friend when you have a screaming infant who believes that it's the end of the world the second he doesn't see you. So no, I didn't bloody hear anything."

"Fuck, you're useless," Bellatrix swore in aggravation, her words angering Narcissa so much that she actually physically lashed out, pushing her sister hard against the guest room wall.

"Just get out, Bella; whatever this is, I don't want to be a part of it. You're speaking to me as though we're both children again, and I will not stand for it. Not sodding anywhere, but certainly not in my own fucking home," Narcissa told her, standing up straight while staring her sister down. While she was used to being Bellatrix's punching bag when they were children, she refused to be one anymore. She was stronger than that now, and so she needed Bellatrix to leave before this got any worse.

"Oh, take a pill; I was just leaving anyway," Bellatrix snapped back, not bothering to even apologize, although with the mood she was in, Narcissa hardly expected it. "Maybe my next destination will actually give me some useful fucking information, because I'm certainly not going to get any here."

And then she was gone in a crack, causing Narcissa to furiously take her wand out from beneath her robes and fix the wards on her home so that Bellatrix couldn't just pop in anymore. Angry tears were beginning to sting the back of her eyes, but Narcissa wouldn't let them fall. She loved Bellatrix, but she wasn't going to cry over her anymore. And while she hoped that whatever this was was just a phase, Narcissa knew that even if it wasn't it wouldn't matter, because she had more important things to worry about it.

She loved her sister, yes, but she loved her son far, far more.

[x]

"We can't put her on medication."

"Why not?" Narcissa asked her husband, not understanding his rationale. Her sister was acting mad again, which should equal medication; its what they had done to her, after all. And while Narcissa hadn't been the biggest fan of her own meds before, now she saw the benefit of them. She was certain Bellatrix would too, given time.

"Because one, she's an adult," Lucius reminded her, gently bouncing his son on his lap as he spoke to his wife. "An adult that we are not the caregivers of, I'll remind you. And two, I don't know what the meds will do to her, and we can't afford not knowing right now; we are at the crux of this war, and this is too bloody important to screw up. I don't usually like to admit this, but if we neuter her in any way, we're all screwed. She is the best soldier we have, Narcissa."

"So this war is more important than her sanity?!" Narcissa asked, aghast at Lucius' answer, but not as much as she was at the next thing he said.

"Yes."

Narcissa abruptly stood. "God, I just—I can not take thiswith the two of you anymore!" she shouted, feeling helpless and alone. "I'm tired of you both taking each other's sides now instead of mine; when I wanted you both to get along, this was not what I bloody meant!"

Lucius sighed patiently, like he expected this kind of outburst, and that irritated Narcissa even more.

"I've kissed her, you know," Narcissa recklessly spat out, a part of her just desperate to drive a wedge between the two of them so maybe, for once, someone will listen to her. "Recently. Multiple fucking times, and not always on the lips."

"Do you really think I don't know what you're doing?" Lucius responded, just shooting his wife a look like she had to be kidding her with that childish outburst. "Look, whether you have or not, I've told you I don't want to hear about it, which makes it obvious that the only reason you're telling me, or lying to me, is because you want to provoke a reaction. Either way, Bellatrix and I have called a truce."

"We have a son now, Narcissa," he reminded her softly, gently playing with the wisps of Draco's white blonde hair as the boy chewed on a teething ring. "I'm through with this incestuous, 'have they, haven't they' drama. So please stop."

Narcissa growled deep in her throat but sat back down heavily, feeling completely and utterly defeated. Mostly because this was exactly what she had wanted; she wanted her husband to stop prying about her and Bellatrix's relationship, she wanted him to not care what they did behind closed doors anymore so long as she never spoke of it. And yet, in some weird twist of fate, Narcissa wasn't happy. She by no means wanted them at one another's throats again, but she didn't want them to agree on shit that Narcissa didn't agree with anymore.

She didn't want them thinking the war was more important than Bellatrix's sanity, because it wasn't.

"I know you're concerned for her, darling, but we need her like this," Lucius told her, at least having the decency to sound apologetic about it. "Because she's right; ever since the Dark Lord set his sights on those two children born at the end of July, things have been falling apart. I honestly thought it was that Pettigrew fool that was betraying us as he apparently used to be friends with the Potter boy's father and the Dark Lord seems to favor him as the prophesized one right now, but Bellatrix tortured him enough to get every ounce of honesty from his fat little body. It can't be him."

"Wait, what?" Narcissa asked as she sat up a little straighter, confused. Bellatrix hadn't told her specifics about the children before. "The Potter boy? Who's the other? And why does the Dark Lord believe it's that child over the other one?"

"I don't know," Lucius responded, sounding frustrated himself. "It doesn't even make any bloody sense, and so I'm inclined to believe both Bellatrix and Severus that it has to be the Longbottom boy; he's actually pureblood, after all. The Dark Lord seems certain it's Potter, but we fear he's so frustrated with his losses that he's losing sight of the truth. We obviously can't say anything though, which is why Bellatrix has been trying so hard to find the child. We just want this over with, Narcissa, and the sooner she finds the Longbottom boy, the sooner this will end."

At the mention of Severus, Narcissa's brow knit. If he agreed with Bellatrix, then why did she suspect him of betraying them? It didn't make any sense. Then again, it wasn't as though her sister had been thinking clearly for the last couple months. Maybe she suspected everyone that wasn't her, which then made Narcissa wonder if she had ulterior motives when she asked her to spy on Lucius and Severus. Did she not trust Lucius either? If so, perhaps she really had gone mad.

There was suddenly a bang at the front door.

Their house elf apparated into the foyer almost instantly, announcing cheerfully, "Dobby will welcome the guest into the Malfoy manor!" But he didn't have a chance as Narcissa heard it practically crash open before Dobby squeaked in pain and terror, no doubt being kicked out of the way by the intruder as they stormed into the parlor.

"You warded the bloody house against me?!"

Bellatrix was standing in the threshold of the door, looking positively murderous. Narcissa instinctively cringed for half a second, having expected this eventually. Still, it wasn't as though she was really afraid of what Bellatrix would do to her, so she sat up a little straighter and made every effort to look poised.

"You called me useless and a moron; did you honestly expect me to just take that?"

"Oh, good Lord," Lucius sighed in exasperation, gathering their son into his arms as he stood up. He knew how explosive they could be when they were angry with one another, and apparently wanted to be as far away from it as he could. "I'm going to put Draco down for a nap; if you two insist on screaming at one another, please soundproof the room."

How calm Lucius was about this actually made Bellatrix do a bit of a double take, her brow rising. "Your new Zen-like attitude of late is starting to freak me out a little, you know that? I storm in her looking like I'm gonna hit your bloody wife, and you just leave?"

"I know you won't actually cause her lasting damage, Bellatrix," Lucius told her, looking at her like she was stupid if she actually thought he would. "Besides, we separated our lives with Narcissa for our own sanity and while yours may be waning, I refuse to let mine do the same. This is your problem with her, not mine, so I'm leaving. And if you'd like for me to continue to afford you the luxury of doing whatever it is you do or would like to do with my wife when I'm not around, you won't drag me into whatever this is. I don't want to know, and I don't want to be involved."

He left with Draco then, just leaving the two women to stare after him, dumbfounded.

Bellatrix suddenly pointed to the space Lucius occupied not moments previously, catching her sister's gaze. "What the fuck was that?"

"Thank you!" Narcissa exhaled as she threw up her hands, looking relieved that she wasn't the only one who found this new attitude of Lucius' to be disconcerting. "I thought this would be healthier for us, but that was a mess, wasn't it?"

"I don't—" Bellatrix responded, looking flabbergasted for a second before she shook her head and switched gears with, "Actually, I don't care. You warded the fucking house against me, Cissy, what the hell!"

Narcissa sighed heavily.

"Bellatrix, bigger picture here; I'm fairly certain everyone I love is going fucking insane." At first she thought it was just her sister, but now Lucius was just being too… too goddamn calm about everything. And yes, he did have a point; they had a son now, and Draco needed to come first. Maybe that was why he was letting everything else just roll off of him, but it just felt… weird.

It was like Lucius had completely removed the part of him that cared about what Narcissa may or may not be doing behind his back and in some strange way that made the blonde feel a bit like he didn't care about her at all anymore, even though that was probably madness. It just didn't sit right with her though. None of this did.

"Oh, fuck him, alright?" Bellatrix snapped, still irritated. "You want an explanation, look at all the bullshit we've put him through over the years. When he's done he's apparently done, and while I admit it's bloody weird, I'd rather he obsess over that kid of yours than what we might or might not be doing. Now, back to me."

Narcissa rolled her eyes, hating how overly simple Bellatrix made everything sometimes. Maybe she was right, but that didn't change the fact that Narcissa didn't like this new dynamic, even though it was quite literally everything she had always wanted.

Maybe she was the one going insane.

"You pissed me off, alright? I'll fix the bloody wards if you want, but you can't keep storming into my house and insulting me just because you're mad that the rest of your life isn't going the way you want! You're acting like a child, and in case you haven't noticed, I already have one of those!"

"Well joke's on you, because I actually came over to fucking apologize, but you can just forget about that now!" Bellatrix exclaimed immaturely, which made Narcissa wonder if that was even true. Honestly, the more tense her sister got, the more she seemed to regress. Narcissa hated it, but what's more was that she hated that she didn't know how to stop it. "I have every fucking right to be pissed off right now, Narcissa; you have no idea of the stress I'm under, and if you even had a little bit of bloody compassion in you, you'd just let me vent without jumping down my sodding throat every three seconds!"

"You can vent all you want, just stop hurling insults at me!"

"God, you've gotten so bloody spineless; what the hell happened to you?" Bellatrix scoffed, sounding disgusted with the version of her sister that stood before her. "Has motherhood really changed you that much? I insult you, you insult me; that's the way it's been and it's what I'm comfortable with so can you just—can you just fucking indulge me for half a bloody second?!"

"No, because I'm not going to let our relationship become an unhealthy mess again!" Narcissa practically shouted at her. Bellatrix had to understand that; they had moved past that, they had gotten better, and Narcissa wasn't going to allow her to screw it up again just because she was under an insane amount of stress. That wasn't fair to either of them.

"We're sisters who've been fucking each other for the better part of our lives, Cissy; we'll always be an unhealthy fucking mess!"

Narcissa froze, and Bellatrix followed suit once she realized what she just shouted. Narcissa looked a little pale.

"Oh my God, I will give anything if he didn't hear that. Please, please…" she breathed, praying to a God she didn't even believe in. Reality had suddenly smacked them both in the face though, and Narcissa was starting to have a hard time breathing.

Bellatrix exhaled the breath she had been holding. She paused, listening to the silence. "…He must have soundproofed Draco's room," she rationalized. "I doubt he trusted us to do it ourselves, and for good reason apparently."

Narcissa's eyes flashed. "You… fucking… loud… oblivious… arsehole," she quietly seethed, storming over to her sister before she grabbed her robes in her hand, apparating herself and Bellatrix somewhere else. Somewhere she knew Lucius couldn't hear them.

"The attic?" Bellatrix questioned, sounding judgmental. It wasn't the cleanest place in their house, but Narcissa really did not care about that right now. "Honestly, Cissy, you and I both know that this is unnecessary; Lucius may be all kumbaya now, but if he heard that, I doubt it would have lasted. It's fine."

"No, it is not fine," Narcissa seethed, still furious at her for just recklessly blurting something like that out. "Can't you see how this is affecting you? Affecting us? Jesus Christ, Bella, if you need to release stress that badly then just fuck me, fuck… someone, anyone, because I can't keep arguing like this with you; it reminds me too much of before and I just can't. I won't!"

"It's not that sodding simple—"

"Yes, it is," Narcissa insisted firmly, doing something she should have done the second Bellatrix started yelling at her the other day, and unhooked her robes. They pooled at her feet, leaving Narcissa standing in front of her sister in just a bra and matching panties. They weren't extravagant or sexy by any means, but it wasn't as though she had been expecting this. Besides, Bellatrix used to fuck her back when she wore underwear with little hearts on them, so she doubted her sister really cared.

"Fuck me," she demanded, just needing to get Bellatrix back to normal. "Do it hard, make it hurt; I don't care. Just get your fucking shit together before I decide it's better that you stay away from me and my child for the duration of your little mission."

Bellatrix's breathing was starting to pick up as she stared at her sister, her eyes roaming her form. The look on her face though was strange; as though she couldn't wait to get her hands on her, but also like a part of her was afraid to.

"I'm… angry, Cissy," she finally warned her, voice low. "If you let me touch you, it's most certainly going to hurt."

"What'd I just say?" Narcissa responded, unblinking as she picked up her wand from out of her robes on the floor. "Just don't leave any marks you can't heal; that includes emotional scarring." She waved her wand then, casting a nonverbal Muffliato on that attic. She had a feeling she would be screaming fairly soon — quite possibly not all of it out of pleasure —and neither Lucius nor Draco needed to hear that.

"Now," Narcissa said, facing her sister once more with her palms up in invitation. She wasn't scared, she wasn't concerned with what might happen; she just allowed herself to completely surrender to Bellatrix, just as she used to when she was a child. In a way, it was oddly freeing. Maybe, in some weird way, they both needed this, although that raised even more concerns that weren't entirely about Bellatrix.

"Are we going to fix you or not?"

[x]

"Everything alright?" Lucius asked as he put down the book he was reading, looking up from his spot on the bed.

Narcissa was in the threshold of their bedroom door, her body physically healed from the ordeal she had just gone through with Bellatrix, but her mind wrought with exhaustion. She glanced over at the baby monitor on the bedside table, being reminded suddenly of her son, and of what she had to lose if she allowed herself to regress with her sister like this.

"…I think I need to increase my dosage," Narcissa said softly, knowing something was wrong with her. Lucius didn't say anything for a moment, he merely looked at her. Finally, he exhaled a long breath and sat up a little more against the pillows in their bed.

"Agreed."

Narcissa pursed her lips, wondering how much he really knew. Maybe nothing at all, maybe he could just see the look on his wife's face and trusted that she knew her own body enough. Either way, at least he agreed.

Narcissa moved to the bed, sitting down next to her husband before she exhaled a soft sigh, running her fingers through her hair. "I have everything I want," she told him softly. "Everything, Lucius, and yet… I'm not happy. I'm trying to sabotage it, and I don't understand why."

"You're sick, darling," Lucius gently reminded her, placing his hand on her knee. "Just because you're taking medication now doesn't mean that your sickness went away; it's something you're going to have to deal with the rest of your life and because of that, there's always going to be ups and downs. And quite honestly, I'm glad you came to the conclusion that you need to speak with your Healer about your dosages, as I was going to suggest the same thing. After that little outburst about kissing Bellatrix and how unhappy you seem to be that we called the truce that you were pushing for, I knew something was wrong. I'm just glad you were able to see it; it means your maturing."

Narcissa pursed her lips into a thin line, wishing her sister was as self-aware as she had begun to be. She thought of the look on Bellatrix's face when she screamed for Narcissa to choke her, to slap her, to tell her she's utterly fucking useless as she violated her in each and every way she saw fit. Narcissa had thought that Bellatrix was just going to explode outwards, but she internalized so much of her hatred that it made Narcissa wonder if that was where it all originated. Maybe Bellatrix was so unhappy with herself for not solving the problem yet that she thought she deserved to be punished.

It wasn't healthy. None of this was, and it was even worse that Narcissa willingly participated in it, knowing full-well that it wasn't really going to help anything at all.

"I'm worried about Bellatrix," Narcissa admitted, glancing over at her husband beside her. "I know you don't want to know what we do with one another, but when we were children we used to… we used to deal with our problems by taking them out on one another. I did that for her today, and I regret that; not just because it was obvious that she was regressing into something we both know she can't be again, but because I willingly went with her. I wanted to get all fucked up with her, because I don't know how to handle my own life if I'm not. That's… that's not okay, you know? Jesus." She let out a long, defeated sigh, her head going into her hand. "Jesus, why am I doing this…?"

Because she didn't feel like herself without Bellatrix's broken, jagged pieces fitting perfectly with her own. They couldn't be a part of one another if they were whole, as there was no room for the other. It was sick, it was awful, but it was the truth.

After it was all over, the two sisters had laid side by side on the attic floor, their chests heaving as they looked one another in the eyes. It was Bellatrix then that held out her hand, the hand that bore her sister's promise of forever. Narcissa tentatively reached forward, touching their scarred palms together to feel a sense of closeness that felt denied to her since even before her son's birth.

"This is how it should be," Bellatrix had breathed, lacing their fingers together. The heat from her palm made Narcissa's breathing shallow, her eyes dilating as she took in the expression of her lover. "Do you remember, Cissy? Do you feel it?"

And she had, but that was the problem. What did that say about them, if they only felt completed when they tore one another apart? It was as though no matter how much they healed, in the end they would always rip that sanity back out of each other, as with it, they didn't fit as soundly together anymore. They didn't know how to function when they found normalcy, and that wasn't good.

Especially since now, it wasn't just about them anymore.

Narcissa had a son to think about now; a family. No matter how badly she wanted to fall down the rabbit hole with Bellatrix, she knew she couldn't. Momentarily indulging was one thing, but to reside down there was quite another. If nothing else, at least she was aware of that.

"Narcissa, I never expected your road to recovery to be perfect," Lucius told her, sounding so damn understanding that it made Narcissa want to vomit. He had grown so much and yet here she was, just making everything so much worse. "You're going to mess up. We're going to mess up. The important thing though is that you immediately realized what you were doing wasn't healthy. I'm really… I'm proud of you for that, Narcissa. I am."

Quite unexpectedly, Narcissa's eyes began to fill with tears. The blonde sniffled as she looked away, wiping her cheeks the second any wetness was felt. "I'm sorry," she breathed, feeling foolish for crying all of a sudden. "I just… you've changed so much," Narcissa told him, needing Lucius to understand why she was getting emotional. "Having Draco seems to have changed your entire perspective on everything; on life, on us… and yet I feel left behind. I thought having a child would make me a better person and for a second, it had. I prioritized Draco over everything else, but then I went and did this and I'm so angry at myself for it, Lucius. I feel like an awful mother."

"You're not," Lucius assured her, not wanting his wife to think such a thing. "Narcissa, look at me; you're not." He grasped her hand in her own, holding it tightly as another tear slipped down his wife's cheek.

"You might believe that I've somehow magically gotten over everything, but trust me, I haven't," he admitted, causing Narcissa to look up at him in question. He sighed softly. "There's still a part of me that hates that I'm letting you do whatever you want with her. There's still a part of me that wonders if you've really crossed that line, and what that means. But I'm trying to look at the bigger picture now, and I know that if we go back to that place where we mistrust one another, where Bellatrix and I hate each other because of the relationship we each have with you, that everything will fall apart. I don't want Draco growing up in that kind of household, Narcissa, and so I… I ignore it. I try to think about something else, and I just let it happen. And maybe that's not healthy either, but that's the best solution I've got."

Narcissa chewed on her bottom lip for a second, feeling a sense of relief wash over her at her husband's words. "So you… you still care? About me, about what I do?" she asked, just needing to make sure. That had been her fear; that ever since Draco was born, that all the love Lucius had for her just transferred to their son. And while that wasn't necessarily a bad thing, as Draco did deserve all of that and more, it had left Narcissa feeling rather alone and neglected.

"Of course I still care," Lucius responded, sounding a little exasperated by her fear that he no longer did. "Narcissa, I still love you with everything that I am; that will never change. It's just that now… now it's no longer just about us. And what's more is that you know that, which is why you were so quick to realize this time that you're spiraling again."

"I'm not looking for you to be perfect, Narcissa," Lucius finished, needing her to realize that wasn't what he expected from her. "I'm just looking for you to try, and you are. That's enough for me. And I hope… I hope that's enough for you too, because if it's not, I'm afraid you're going to continue to hate yourself for things far beyond your control."

Maybe he was right. Maybe Narcissa was trying too hard to be this perfect image of herself that she expected to be, and that would only lead to heartbreak and regret. Maybe it was enough that she recognized the signs in herself and decided she needed to do something about it and that, in the end, made her feel infinitely better.

[x]

"I heard you increased your medication."

Narcissa looked up at her sister's form in the doorway to the kitchen as she put away the bottle of wine she had been working on. As she picked up her glass, the blonde nodded. "I did," she confirmed, allowing the liquid to touch her lips as she took a small sip. Lucius was out with Draco for the day, wanting some father/son bonding time, and so Narcissa decided to enjoy her short reprieve from motherhood with some wine. It had been ages since she had drank; she had missed how much calmer it made her feel. Draco was on the bottle now though, so she could finally indulge in alcohol without fear or regret about what it might do to her son's development.

"You look better," Narcissa noted, taking in her sister's appearance. She no longer looked like a ball of stress that couldn't be bothered to take a brush to her hair; she finally looked more like herself, and that at least made Narcissa feel a bit better. She had been beginning to seriously worry.

"Because of you."

Narcissa's eyes went downcast as she took another sip of wine. She wished Bellatrix hadn't said that. "Bella…" she tried, knowing she needed to shut that down quickly, but her sister wouldn't let her.

"Oh, don't," Bellatrix sighed, sounding exasperated before Narcissa even had the chance to say anything. Crossing the distance between them, she continued, "You think I don't know why you wanted to dull the world even more with those pills of yours? But you and I, we're not normal, Cissy; we never will be, and the sooner you embrace that, the happier you'll be."

"Oh, please," Narcissa scoffed, rolling her eyes at her sister's attempt to manipulate her as she put down her glass of wine. "You call wanting to get strangled and verbally abused happiness? Even I know you're not that deluded." Turning to face her sister, she accused, "This is about you, not about me. You have zero coping mechanisms, and that's why you need me to do things like that for you. And I'll admit that it felt good, to fall into that kind of madness with you again, but that can't be how we are anymore, Bella. It just can't."

"It's not madness if it makes sense," Bellatrix rationalized in a low tone, eradicating the space between them as she trapped Narcissa against the countertop, hands on either side of her. She licked her bottom lip, her gaze resting on the dip of her sister's breasts before flickering upwards to catch her eyes. "And it did, Cissy. You know it did. Besides, I wasn't lying when I said it helped."

Narcissa swallowed a little, feeling her throat dry up a bit. "Helped how?"

"They have a Secret Keeper," Bellatrix stressed, apparently proud of herself for having realized that. Narcissa knew that Secret Keepers actually weren't all that common anymore, as being one was a very dangerous position to be in. It was such a serious binding enchantment that few undertake it lightly, but apparently that was where they were in the war now. "Both of the families, that's why we can't find them. That's why no matter how much we torture people, we can't get anyone to talk, because they can't. It's physically impossible, as the Keeper must do so voluntarily; the secret can't be blackmailed or tortured out of all we need to do now is find the right person, get someone to trust them enough so that they'll willingly reveal the Longbottom's position, and it's over. It'll be fucking over, Narcissa."

Bellatrix said it as though the solution was so simple, when they both know it wasn't. Still, Narcissa had to admit that it at least brought them one step closer to winning the war.

"I know you think what we did was fucked up," Bellatrix told her, catching her sister's gaze once more. "But it was needed, don't you see that? I could finally see things clearly after that, and look where it got us. Cissy," she stressed, bringing her hand up to cup her sister's face in her hand, her thumb gently running across Narcissa's bottom lip. "I'm not asking you to hurt me, or for us to hurt each other. I'm just asking you to feel something with me. It's been so long since it felt like… that, you know?"

Narcissa's lashes hit her cheeks, feeling the warmth from her sister's palm burn a hole straight through her as she gently turned her face away from her. She knew what she meant; she understood the need to be broken into pieces to fit into her sister again, but that didn't mean that they should.

"When I feel… like that," Narcissa began softly, her voice barely above a whisper. "It means something's wrong. You know how I get when I feel things too intensely, Bella. I thought you wanted me to get better."

"You are better."

"For now," Narcissa responded, turning her face to catch her sister's eyes once more. Bellatrix kept caressing her cheek, her jaw, running her fingers down her neck and across her shoulders. It made Narcissa shiver softly. "But I can't go backwards, Bella. I have Draco to think of now."

"I won't let you fall too far, love, I promise…" Bellatrix breathed, her lips now just a hair's width away from Narcissa's. The blonde shut her eyes tightly, trying to fight this feeling; this urge to just jump into the deep in again and pray she remembered how to swim. "You trust me… don't you, Cissy?"

"Please don't make it about that…" Narcissa begged softly, but she didn't have a chance to say anything else as Bellatrix's thumb gently coaxed her jaw open so their lips could meet in a soft, open mouthed kiss.

Narcissa felt like she was falling.

She kissed her sister harder, unable to stop herself once they started. Her hand tangled in a mess of brown curls as she pressed their lips firmer against each other's, feeling her sister's breasts rub against her own. Her nipples were getting hard, and Narcissa hated herself for noticing that, because this wasn't right. There was about fifteen different ways this could go terribly wrong, and yet in that moment she didn't care about a single one of them.

Narcissa gasped hard as she felt Bellatrix's hand go beneath her robes, cupping her possessively over her knickers. Her sister's teeth bit down on her lip then, causing Narcissa to exhale a needy groan as she instinctively spread her stance. Her back was being pressed into the edge of the counter so hard that it was starting to hurt but to be quite honest, that's what made it better, which was what made it so, so much worse…

"It won't be forever," Bellatrix breathed against her lips as she encouraged Narcissa to wrap her leg around her hip as her finger slipped beneath the rapidly dampening fabric. Narcissa hissed in pleasure, suddenly feeling lightheaded. "Just for now… just until we can find the child. I need my head on straight, Cissy; I need you. I need you, my love…"

"Fuck, Bella," Narcissa gasped as her sister entered her with two fingers, causing the blonde's eyes to fall closed as she banged her forehead against the other woman's. "Please," she breathlessly begged, despite not knowing what she was begging for anymore. Did she want her to fuck her, or did she want her to stop? She didn't even know anymore. She just knew she shouldn't be feeling like this, she knew she shouldn't let Bellatrix manipulate her like this, and yet the other woman slipped inside of her as easily as butter.

"I'd do anything for you, Narcissa," Bellatrix breathed, her words etching into the blonde's skin and searing into her soul. She began to move within her, the pace messy and rough, and yet Narcissa felt her body revel in it. She groaned, holding onto her tighter. "I'd fucking die for you, and you know that. So just give me this, this one thing, please. Please, love, please just give me this… I need us to be how we were, if only for a second. It's the only bloody thing that makes sense to me anymore…"

"Oh my God," Narcissa exhaled, the words coming out so defeated. "Why are you doing this to me?" she groaned, fingernails digging into the back of the brunette's neck as Bellatrix pounded her into the kitchen counter. "I… you know that I…"

"I know that you love me," Bellatrix interrupted, grasping onto Narcissa's face with her free hand, forcing her to look at her. "Tell me you trust me, Cissy. Tell me you believe that I won't let us fall too far…"

She wanted to. She ached to, but the words wouldn't come. Instead she just parted her lips, allowing Bellatrix to slip her thumb between them before she bit down, held onto the counter behind her, and pushed her hips deeper into her sister's hand. She exhaled a moan that was so low it sounded almost animalistic, feeling the heat begin to consume her abdomen as her chest and cheeks flushed a deep rose.

"Cissy…" Bellatrix breathed, her voice suddenly coming out so very small. She sounded vulnerable, even afraid. She was afraid she wasn't going to get the savior she needed after all, and it was that that broke Narcissa in two. She had never heard her sound so tiny before. "Narcissa, I need you… please."

"Fuck," Narcissa swore as she came, pitching forward for a moment as she tried to breathe. She was starting to feel overwhelmed; the pleasure from the orgasm mixed with her guilt for not immediately helping her sister was bringing tears to her eyes. She had never felt like Bellatrix truly needed her until now, and she didn't know what to do about that.

No, that wasn't entirely correct. Bellatrix had needed her plenty of times before that, yes, but she never begged. She never sounded so utterly desperate, and when Narcissa finally caught her breath she looked up at her sister, at Bellatrix's vulnerability that just screamed for her to fix it, if only for a moment while she undertook this mission, it was then that she realized she didn't know how to say no.

"I trust you, Bella," she panted, hoping everything wouldn't fall apart around her due to this decision. But maybe, after everything Bellatrix had done for her, it was her turn to do something in return. Maybe she owed her this, and maybe it would end up being okay after all. "…I trust you."

TBC…