Chapter 38 - Don't forget the Water

As the ocean gently rocked, firelight glowed warmly from the beach, lighting up what would have otherwise been a drearily dark night. There was little motion within the camp; the only chatter was that of the night creatures: namely crickets and the occasional tree frog.

Sarah lay under the cover of her newly raised tent, staring at the tarp ceiling above of her, listening to the sound of the tide crashing onto the beach and the cool breeze that snuck in through the halfway open slit of an entrance. She should have been sleeping, but every time she closed her eyes, they fluttered open.

It was only now, in the quiet of the night, that she could even begin to consider that moment kneeling in the mud, when she stared into the barrel of Jude's gun. Rain pouring down her face and over her eyes. How his own eyes had burned through her with such callous apathy. The memory shuddered her. Needless to say, it was a difficult thing to process.

" Yeah, that's right … someone over in Ben Village would like nothing better than to see you in the ground - literally. "

She sighed and rolled over, hoping the change of position would help or perhaps just focusing on the in and out sway of tide would be enough to lull her into slumber. She closed her eyes once more, letting the call of the tide draw her.

She was in the early drifting stages when her eyes flipped open at the snap of a twig. Lying still for a moment, and watching alertly, revealed a shadow passing by her tent. She sat up with a jerk, and stared, then raised herself. Her heart thumped inside her ears as she held her breath and crept to the entrance, slinking along the side.

A blur of yellow startled her into a quick yip and a jump. She then recognized the four-legged animal while stammering. "Oh God, Vincent. You scared the hell out of me! "

Vincent only stared up with big brown eyes, tongue flopping through his open mouth, and then whined, nudging her with his nose. She shook her head, petting him and then sighed as if submitting to defeat - she would not sleep tonight. Instead, she poked her head into the night air and stepped out into the oddly quiet camp.

She perched on a stump, just outside of her tent, with Vincent by her side and scanned the area as if she expected someone to jump out, grab her and drag her back to the Hydra where she'd have to face Ben and whatever punishment he'd have in store for disobeying him.

He could not have his people questioning his authority.

This is why she couldn't sleep. She had managed to escape one more time from under his thumb and now she feared he would reach out his elastic arm and drag her back in again. Ben was smart enough to know where she would go running to … as much as she had spoken about Sayid and the others.

She looked down finding the strip of photographs held tightly between her fingers. She'd unconsciously slid her hand in her pocket and taken it out. She gazed at it wistfully, running a finger along the series of childish photographs, and sighed, staring over the horizon, past the sand to where the sky met the ocean. Somewhere under that ocean, Jack was probably sleeping in his fish tank, unaware that she was near. Unaware of her existence. Would he even remember her after so many years?

"What are you doing? " Sayid's voice startled her.

She jerked her head towards him, eyes wide, nearly crying out and then relaxed. "I … you startled me. "

He studied her for a moment then responded. "I see that. It was not my intention. "

She turned her head once again and gazed out over the sand towards the water, dipping her eyes back down to the picture. " I don't sleep much. At least I haven't for a while now. "

She blinked, smiled and nodded. " I heard a noise. But it turned out to be Vincent. "

He'd moved nearer while she spoke and casually lowered himself in the sand beside her, glancing at Vincent. She raised her head, and caught him looking at the photograph, but he wasn't asking any questions. She ran her thumb across it, staring down at it. She could not fathom telling him half of the answers she knew he must have been looking to hear. Even so, be it this Sayid or the other one, his presence gave her a sense of calm and she began to ponder aloud.

"Do people ever feel safe Sayid? The people out there … beyond this place? Out there in the real world? Do they feel safe? "

She met his eyes only enough to see that he was sitting quietly listening to her words and watching her face. She continued pensively.

"Or is it normal to spend your whole life being afraid? "

His eyes never moved while listening. It was odd how he did that, but this was one of his idiosyncrasies. Most people look at you and they look away and then look back at you again, but he would sit still and straight, staring directly at you while you poured your heart out.

He didn't respond as if sensing that her question was not necessarily one she wanted answered, but more of a pondering one. The question of someone trying to work things out in her own mind. The words came painfully.

"There was a time; before I ever came here … It was just this very small moment that I thought I was safe. I had a home, and then it was gone … "

She shrugged. "Then I was here. It was so long ago, I nearly forgot it. "

She gave a nervous laugh. " And then for another brief second, after all these years, I found it again. And I felt safe and I thought I'd found home again. And there was someone. Someone who made me start to believe … "

Her eyes strayed to his … "Someone who I … "

She dropped her head. "... But then I woke up and saw it was just one long dream. "

" Just a stupid dream. "

Vincent rolled his eyes up to her as if he understood her words, and tossed his big yellow head into her lap. She rubbed his ear between her fingers, and then glanced over to Sayid.

"But it's the only thing that's kept me alive. It's a dream I can't forget. "

"Here. " She handed the picture to him. He was hesitant at first, but then received it, holding it gently in his hand and studying the different frames.

"You can probably already guess … the girl is me. " She said.

He nodded slowly while she continued. "And the boy … the boy is Jack. "

Sayid raised his eyes. "Jack? "

" As in Jack " She repeated "… Yes. "

He drew his eyebrows in as if concentrating really hard and rephrased the question.

"You're telling me this is a photograph of yourself … and Jack Sheppard? "

She teared up, choking on her words. "Yes, Sayid. That's what I'm telling you. "

She cleared her throat, aware of how strange it was to see the picture in Sayid's hands. She was telling him something she had not really discussed with anyone. And he was there listening, trying to grasp her words. She explained further.

"I knew there had to be some reason Ben took me to him. But Jack … He either doesn't remember me or didn't recognize me, and I ... I didn't remember, not until I found this. "

He let the pictures hang from his fingers as he looked up at her, elbows rested on his knees.

"What are you talking about? "

She shook her head, picturing Jack standing behind the glass wall, staring at her like a stranger. Her body remembering the painful electric jolts surging through it. She was right. Ben knew exactly what he was doing. Though she had no idea at the time how important Jack had been to her even before the island, and Jack didn't recognize her, Ben had gotten some small satisfaction in knowing that he'd be breaking her by putting them right under each others noses and toying with them without either of them really fully understanding.

"Ben likes games. " She answered. "He uses games to control you. "

"Is this what he did to you? "

She blinked, flicking her head to the side, face hot with emotion, and then stood up, running her hand through her hair. She clenched her eyes, blew out air, and then turned back around. Sayid had also raised himself to his feet and moved a few steps towards her. She shook her head, unable to hold back the sudden rush of emotion.

"He tasered me! " She blurted. "He told me he'd planted some device in Jack and he wanted me to activate it by pushing this … this … button. If I didn't, he'd taser me. Well, I didn't. I didn't do what he wanted me to do, so he tasered me. Over and over ... "

They stood facing one another for a few minutes while she fought back sobs. He leaned to one side a little, with arms to his sides and responded softly.

"I'm sorry. "

She could see him there, holding the taser in his hand, demanding with his controlled tone. Jack looking between them as if a spectator, not realizing he was more a part of it than he could fathom. Then he asked her to do it … begged her to hurt him rather than have Ben hurt her. Maybe there was some small part of Jack that knew. Perhaps on some very small level, even hidden to him.

It must have given Ben great satisfaction. There they were, the two of them unaware. Yet, he was completely aware. This revelation served to bring her to a deeper level of loathing.

"He knew! " She cried. "He knew what he was doing! I didn't remember Jack from when we were kids. I didn't know! But He did and it made him happy to mess with us that way. "

"He enjoyed it! "

Sayid opened his mouth, but her emotions had gotten the better of her. She wished she could talk to the Sayid who knew her. The one she had already gotten past the introductions with. If he were that Sayid, she could melt in his arms and not be afraid of what he might think of her. She took a couple of steps back, wide eyed and riveted by her own words.

"I …I'm sorry. " She whispered through a flush of embarrassment.

She couldn't look at him. She turned her face without giving him a chance to respond, and slid into her tent, leaving him staring, just outside, at the opening. She lay on her side under the blankets, hands under her head, squeezing tears between her closed eyes.

She had not meant to lash out at him. The memories were so powerful, and all so very hurtful. They angered her, but her anger was tempered by the part that was still frightened and timid, vulnerable. She'd been rendered this vulnerability from the moment she had opened her mouth exposing herself. This was not something that came easy nor without trepidation.

Thoughts racing through her head, she clenched her eyes, and breathed slow, drawn out breaths aiming to calm herself. She felt a thump by her leg and jerked up finding that Vincent had dropped down by her, curled up and seemed to be content to rest there.

Sayid's shadow darkened the entrance, but he didn't go in. Vincent raised his head as if anticipating his entry. He stood there for a moment, and then disappeared, returning to his own tent.

Morning came so quickly she hardly realized she had slept. She rose lazily, noting that Vincent must have wandered off for either food, water or something more entertaining than a sleeping woman. After rummaging through the clothes, she found a deep wine colored tunic and a pair of beige pants. Giving a long hard stare towards Sayid's tent, she resolved to deliver the remaining clothes to Sun. (These were the ones that didn't fit.)

It was odd how much of the beach was the same as she had remembered, and yet certain parts were so different. They'd put together a makeshift kitchen complete with silverware and dishes. The kitchen was stocked with all of the food that had been gathered, either through the fruit trees or the remaining loot from the food drop.

They had evolved into a little island community with everyone pitching in as best they could. There was a place to get fresh water, hauled in daily from a spring in nearby caves. Jin and a few others had become very successful in fishing and Desmond had taken to boar hunting - so she had heard.

Sun invited her to breakfast. Sarah accepted with gratitude, thankful for the inclusion. They chatted while picking over a variety of fruits and cereals while greeting other people and then opted to stand around the end of the wooden table while eating.

Sun asked her about the fire and Sarah filled her in on the parts that she was familiar with, including the fact that Mr. Eko had gotten up after he'd been carried safely away and disappeared.

Sun was surprised by this and together they speculated as to what may have happened to him and if he indeed had gotten up and walked away … or if something else had occurred. Perhaps one of the others had dragged him away when no one was looking. Sun described an incident that occurred once while working in her garden. She was busy pulling weeds when one of the others crept up behind her. He had thrown a bag over her head and dragged her through the mud. She wasn't certain if something had frightened him off or if there were another reason, but he abruptly left her there.

This, of course, did not sit right with Sarah. She took a plate of fruit along with a bowl of oatmeal, but merely fiddled with it to the point that Sun bluntly asked her if something were wrong. Sarah shrugged. Of course, there was something wrong. She was beginning to wonder if there would ever be a time that nothing would be wrong. When she could sit lounging around completely bored.

Sun studied her and then lowered her tone. "I didn't tell him. "

Sarah looked at her oddly. "Tell who what? "

Sun pulled in her lips, and then smiled. "That night on the boat. I didn't tell Sayid you asked about him. Although I have wondered. "

She jerked her head slightly. She had nearly forgotten about that, but apparently, Sun had not. Accordingly, neither had she really thought about what to say should the subject arise. She was at a loss for words.

Luckily, Sun's attention was diverted, casting a gaze over Sarah's shoulder. Sarah turned and saw Locke walking towards the kitchen and then passed she and Sun. Sayid and Desmond were close behind. By this time, Charlie and Hurley had found their way to the kitchen as well. Charlie proceeded to chop up pieces of fruit, while Hurley turned his head curiously at Locke making an announcement. They were heading off to the Pearl Station in order to explore a computer there that might help their people and asked if anyone wanted to come along.

"What do you mean anybody wanna come along? " Hurley asked, eyeing Locke suspiciously.

Locke set his pack on the wooden table and loaded it with a bottle of water, answering matter of factly. "I mean, if you'd like to join us, it's a free island. "

" Yyyea … See … Jack would go and do stuff alone. Or he'd take Sayid or Kate. " Hurley said watching Locke shove a hefty orange in his pack.

Locke turned to him and smiled. " Yea, well … I'm not Jack. "

"The more the merrier. " He added making his way around the table.

A blonde woman flipped her perky self around almost as if she were being invited to a masquerade ball (or something to the effect) and chirped. "I'll go!"

"Great! " Locke chided. " Anybody else wanna come just meet us at the tree line in ten minutes. Bring water. "

Sarah looked at Sun. " I'm going with them. "

As if he'd hidden a microphone somewhere on her, listening in, Sayid quickly responded, raising an eyebrow. " I don't think that would be a good idea. "

She was on the verge of initiating a response when Locke jumped in while leaving.

" Like I said, it's a free island. Don't forget the water! "