By: ExNativo
Cross stared around at the immaculate wedding hall.
The decoration had been hung in record time, stealing the breath from the lungs of anyone who caught even a fleeting glimpse of them. The guests had been seated, some glaring at others but all behaving. The bride and groom stood before the priest, an older gentleman whose quick wit and jolly disposition had soon warmed him to everyone present to witness the Holy Matrimony.
Don Accino was sniffling, his powers evaporating the tears before they could fall. The reptile creature that allegedly had something to do with bringing the groom out into the world was openly sobbing, something about costs of tailor-made suits and unfortunate match-making principles, Cross couldn't really find it within himself to care.
The cake was grand. The food beyond perfect. The presents had been cleared of explosives and were now constructed into a fort, in which every child attending the wedding had taken a seat.
Lil's dress was immaculate. The suit Burrato was wearing actually made it look like he had some sort of solidity throughout his vertebrae. Their hands were clasped, and the look they were sharing made the honest to God hearts floating above their heads not at all surprising, at least by Grand Line standards.
Everything was clean. Everything was orderly.
Everything was perfect.
Everything was perfect.
The explosives lining the roof had been eaten by termites. The rat poison that had been dumped mercilessly onto every dish that Sanji wasn't looking at had turned out to be perfectly edible by humans, dogs, elephants, dugong-hybrids, snails, and penguins. Fucking PENGUINS.
Franky had even punched BountyHunter!Helmeppo in the face and loudly proclaimed the superiority of the Accino family for all to hear in an attempt to start a riot. Not only had nobody cared, barely anybody even noticed. Those who did only shrugged and nodded before turning their attention back to the soon-to-be newlyweds.
BountyHunter!Helmeppo's henchmen included.
Lil blinked. One of the hearts above Burrato's head popped into a cloud of affection. The explosion blew the dress of every bridesmaid up, but as this was a civilised affair, everyone politely averted their eyes until the wardrobe malfunction could be corrected.
Cross twitched.
The detonator in his hand crumbled to dust before he could apply any more pressure to it.
"How could we fuck up fucking everything up!?" Cross hissed to himself, irritably blowing the pile of dust from his palm. The particles caught the sunlight from a nearby window, glowing the entire duration of their journey and sparkling once they found a surface to settle on. In this case, it was Lil's veil and Burrato's tie.
Everyone politely applauded. Vivi spun around in her seat to shoot Cross a thumbs up. Cross was already looking elsewhere when she turned back around a spoon bounced off the back of her head.
"Connect me to everyone." He whispered to his ever-present partner, slouching slightly in his seat as a familiar dome of silence settled around his surroundings. "Guys, Operation 'Love The Priest' didn't cut it. Do we have any other explosives on hand?"
There was some shuffling on the other end of whatever line Soundbite had established, before Conis' voice sounded, her tone apologetic. "Unfortunately, no. We used the last of them to substitute the ingredients we didn't poison." "WHA-"
Sanji's voice was cut off almost immediately. Judging by the way the chef was convulsing in his seat, he wasn't having a very good time.
"Can I just stab the groom's grandmother?" Zoro asked hopefully, two seconds of dead air going by before he added quietly, "please?"
Cross frowned, glanced over at the woman as she used her tongue to taste the air, and then opened his mouth. Before he could give the order, however, Soundbite piped up, half of his choir of voices filled with mirth, the other half bogged down with trepidation.
"Hold that thought, NEW OPTION IN 3, 2..."
A pair of double doors off to the side of the room burst open. Drunk on the euphoria of the environment, many of the bounty hunters who even did reach for their weapons were far too slow to do anything about the massive dust cloud that mowed through the room and laid them all out flat.
"Lil!" A voice that had become very familiar over the course of the last three hours shouted. Almost as soon as it did, the dust cloud was blowned away, revealing a penguin, a Kung-Fu dugong, and an irritatingly spotless room. Three more dugongs and penguins soon hurried into the room, one of each species picking a door up each and reattaching them to the hinges before they continued on their way.
Skipper and Boss both looked like they had seen better days. There were scratches all over their bodies, bruises decorating their skin, a... rosy tint along their cheeks... and they were both having a hard time staying upright?
Did they really...?
"Are they drunk?" Cross asked, loud enough for the entire room to hear. The TDWS sans Mikey all had their heads in their flippers, the smallest penguin was looking between the two fearfully, the tallest penguin was flinging beads along the strings of his abacus so fast they were a blur, and Mikey was cackling along with the remaining penguin, both holding what appeared to be stick of dynamite.
Before anybody could confirm exactly how hard the coral juice had been hit, Skipper lashed out, his words as sharp as his movements as he slammed a flipped into a random bounty hunter for no real reason and flung him into the wall.
"As the Captain of your guard, I protest this wedding!"
"Burrito!" Boss roared, his rope dart catching five unconscious bodies and sending them flying through the solid ceiling with no provocation. "How dare a Man leave the results of his Romance!? As your new father, I protest this wedding!"
"Go, Boss, Go!" Mikey called, only to receive a triple dope-slap that sent him face-first to the floor.
Cross turned to stare at Soundbite.
Soundbite turned to stare at Cross.
Kowalski spun one final bead with enough force to launch it from his abacus, before clicking his tongue and stowing the instrument... somewhere behind his back.
"There appears to be a 100% chance of flashbacks in the near future." The tall penguin nodded conclusively to himself. Almost before he'd even finished talking, the room swam, a strange pulse running through the surroundings and rendering them somewhat transparent.
"You know what, Bessy?" Skipper turned to stare at a point a little over Boss' left shoulder, "this reminds me of Erumalu."
The wedding hall shuddered once more as Boss nodded wistfully.
"Where's the room going!?" Someone screamed. Cross glanced around in his seat, concluded that there was nothing readily available to slam his head against, and opted instead to loosen his tie.
"Fuck it." Was all he managed to say before he was dragged into a memory best left forgotten.
XxX
Cross almost felt like screaming when he was jolted awake in the middle of a wedding.
It wasn't a gradual shift. One moment he had been sitting down, the next he was standing at the alter of what, now that he had a chance to look, must have been the oddest wedding he'd ever laid eyes upon.
Dugongs, and penguins. Rows and rows of seats, all of which were occupied by either a dugong or a penguin. Cross stared down from the slightly elevated platform at the crowd, then turned to the side to confirm that yes, that lack of weight upon his shoulder actually was the absence of Soundbite.
And also yes, he could see right through his shoulder and stare right into what must have been the groom's eyes, thank you for asking.
"Dearly beloved..." A tired voice murmured from behind Cross. His feet proving impossible to move, Cross instead craned his neck over his shoulder... and then turned right back, his eyes going anywhere except the sunglasses wearing otter officiating the wedding.
Instead, he glanced down to the bride, and then did a double-take upon realising that she was a dugong, and not a penguin like the groom. A dugong that was wearing bright red lipstick and dark purple eyeshadow, and had a bouquet of kelp between her flippers.
It took all of two seconds for Cross to decide he didn't want to have anything to do with that shit-storm. Steadfastly ignoring the beautiful union that he was unfortunately standing in, Cross looked around the hall, raising an eyebrow at the... rather opulent design.
There was jewelry everywhere.
The roof was high, easily reaching above twenty meters. The walls were a blinding white, and the decoration shone so many different colours that Cross couldn't help but feel offended on behalf of his retinas. The place was thrice as long as it was high and twice as wide, with filled seats reaching between all four walls.
It was entirely possible that the entire penguin and Kung-Fu dugong species were present within this building.
"Do you, Critikal," The otter droned, startling Cross out of his observations. His voice was suddenly much sharper, which told Cross all he needed to know. Something was about to happen, likely the catalyst for whatever event had taken place. To say nothing of how easily he could read a flashback coming from... someone like Boss. "Take this dugong to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
"Sure thing." The penguin's voice was deep and monotonous. Cross couldn't help but notice the amount of swooning happening out in the crowd.
"And do you, Love Interest, take this penguin to be your-"
The room shuddered. Cross straightened up as every animal began to glance around, and threw his arms up over his head on instinct when the far wall exploded inwards.
The screams had started. Temporarily forgetting his current issues with corporeality, Cross waved a hand in front of his face, grumbling wordlessly to himself when it only succeeded in going through the dust cloud. All he could do was wait for outside interference, or for the dust to settle.
Eventually, the dust settled.
Immediately, Cross was hoping it would rise back up.
Because there was no chance that what he was looking at could be accurate.
Cross blinked. He rubbed his eyes, patted himself on the cheek twice to make sure he was awake, and blinked again. None of it helped what he was seeing.
Admiral Akainu marched into the building through the hole that had been blown in the wall, two identical machine guns in his hands. His Marine cap was backwards, his Marine coat was open and showcasing an extremely buff and very naked torso, and a stitching of a Kung-Fu dugong and a penguin was present on either of his pants legs, both with a large red line running through them.
"THIS WEDDING IS UNNATURAL!" He screamed in a thick accent that Cross couldn't hope to identify, raising both machine guns and pulling the triggers with a wordless roar.
Cross idly stared down at his chest as multiple bullets went through it and into the tapestry that had been hanging behind the altar. One of the flowers that had been hung from the arc above him fell through his head and landed in his shoe. A severed head flew past, which made absolutely no sense, because there wasn't a good chance that a bullet travelling from one side of the hall to the other could have taken someone's head off and sent it flying to the side.
The hail of bullets stopped with twin clicks. Almost as soon as it had, A dugong and penguin landed in front of the altar, both of which Cross instantly recognised. So what if Boss wasn't wearing his bandanna and the other was literally just a penguin?
"This land has had enough of your tyranny, Akainu!" Boss declared, linking flippers with the penguin beside him.
"No more ruined love, you damned brute!" Skipper concurred, tilting to the side. Boss copied his movement, and with a flash of bright light-
"FUUUUUUUUUSIOOOOOOOOOOON...!"
"I would like to leave now, please!" Cross said very loudly. Some would say he screamed. Others would say he begged. Most agreed he did both.
"YYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The light exploded outwards. It then disappeared far too quickly for Cross' liking, leaving be...hind...
"...This better fucking not be canon."
The torso was deliciously muscled. The arms and legs built to the specifications of an Adonis. The hind-quarters were firm, and somehow ripped, and also human what the fuck-
The fusion of Kung-Fu dugong and penguin, which was somehow human, pointed menacingly at Akainu. "This ends today!" He... it... fuck, who knows, it declared in a medley of voices, all of which had for some reason been auto-tuned.
Akainu huffed and puffed. A little hut made of straw appeared beside him and was instantly knocked down. The empty machine guns hit the ground and Akainu soon followed, hands clasping at the sides of his face.
He screamed. Skiposs... Bopper... The Thing tensed, taking a few steps back as Akainu's body swelled. Cross glanced around it, not so much because he was curious as to what was happening; more so that he would be getting an eyeful of something other than ass.
"Oh no, the ultimate technique!"
Akainu's body shuddered. Then, with that final convulsion, he exploded outwards into a pool of lava, which then converged upon itself and started to reach for the sky.
Cross blinked. He only blinked once, his eyes obstructed for a fraction of a second, but in that time Akainu had managed to become a volcano. With a face. And blush stickers on either side of his nose.
Cross started to hold his breath.
"Are you ready for my basalt?" The volcano rumbled, and oh for fuck sake was that a pun?
Instead of using its words, the fusion creature raised a hand. A rainbow erupted out of its feet, and it blasted through the air, a plethora of barnyards animal launching from its hands and exploding against Akainu's cliff-face.
Cross' lungs began to hurt, but he didn't give in.
"Let me ash you a question." Cross' face began to turn blue. "Do you truly believe you can stand up to this magmatude-"
A fist slammed into Cross' face.
To be more specific, Cross' fist slammed into Cross' face, and it dropped him like a brick.
Ahh, blissful unconsciousness.
XxX
Boss never did fully explain what had happened in Erumalu.
Considering that Cross had to be dragged, kicking and screaming and punching and biting, from the first fool unfortunate enough to ask, nobody felt the overwhelming need to know.