Episode 38: all my dreams and fears
Like lullabies you are
Forever in my mind
I see you in all
The pieces in my life
Though you weren't mine
Damn it, Karma thought, now I have to text him back. Nagisa has been writing him all week, and he had ignored his messages. Now, on this Friday afternoon, he felt like he had to stop ignoring him. They had no school for the last week, and he hasn't seen the blue-haired boy since the last Friday. The day he kissed Kayano and broke his heart. Still he acted like nothing happened, and had texted Karma nearly every day. Karma decided to respond him today. He would see him on Monday anyway. Hey Karma, how are you? He texted: I'm fine, how are you? Nagisa replied immediately: I'm good, thanks. Are you sure everything's alright? Karma grimaced as he responded: Of course, don't you believe me? He quickly read the answer: Sure. It's just…you haven't responded to my texts the whole week, that made me worry a little. Karma smiled for a second, then he wrote: Sorry bout that. I was just a little busy. Nagisa texted: No problem. Do you want to join me, Sugino and Kanzaki tomorrow? We'll visit Kayano in the hospital in the afternoon. Karma raised his eyebrow reading Kayano's name. He responded: I have plans with my family tomorrow. Tell her to get well soon. Nagisa wrote: Sure. Have fun with your family. Karma just answered: thanks. And put his phone away. He tried to focus on his book again. After the play he had bought the original version from Romeo and Juliet, and he started reading it yesterday. The sound of his phone distracted him again. What are you doing tomorrow? He responded Nagisa: I don't know yet and continued reading. "If I may trust the flattering truth of sleep, my dreams presage some joyful news at hand. My bosom's lord sits lightly in his throne, and all this day an unaccustomed spirit Lifts me above the ground with cheerful thoughts." His phone rang again. I see, I'm sorry I'm annoying you. I'll just let you be now. Karma closed the book and grabbed his phone. He was angry about himself, now he made Nagisa feel bad just because he was sad about what happened a week before. He wrote: You're not annoying, Nagisa. The other boy responded quickly: I feel like I am. I'm not sure about what is going on at the moment, but I don't want to make it worse. Karma read his message and his heart felt heavy. He repeated: You're not annoying. After a moment of hesitation, he added: You're amazing. Nagisa didn't respond to that. Karma gathered his thoughts for a moment, then he wrote: Can I ask you something, Nagisa-kun? The blue-haired boy replied: sure, Karma and the redhead texted: Last Friday you told Kayano something like you experienced yourself that nothing's left of someone once you give up yourself for an assassination. How do you know that? He ha to wait a few minutes before he received an answer: To be honest, I wasn't sure if I ever wanted to tell you, but now I kinda have to, I guess. A few weeks before you joined the E-class, I attempted a suicide attack on Koro-sensei. Back then, felt like I had nothing to lose. My self-worth and self-esteem were quite low, and I thought that it wouldn't be a problem to anyone if I disappeared. It was really dumb, and I will never do it again. After Karma wrote the message, his eyes filled with tears. He couldn't stand the idea that he probably wouldn't have Nagisa again after they distanced. The blue-haired boy would have died before he fell in love with him all over again. He answered: Why did you do that? Nagisa responded: As I said, I thought that I had nothing to lose. Before you freak out, remember that you tried a suicide attack as well, right before my eyes. Karma remembered the time he tried the attack. He felt stupid. He wrote: Right, I did something stupid too. Promise me that you'll never try something like that again. He quickly received an answer: I promise. Do you? Karma texted: I promise you, Nagisa. The other boy wrote: I can't stand losing you again, Karma. I mean it. The moment I spoke to Kayano it reminded me of what would have been if my attempt was successful. I seriously regret it. Karma still had tears in his eyes, yet he smiled a little as he responded: You won't lose me again, Nagisa-kun, I promise you I'll never leave you.
I wanted to start again with you
And I will leave all my worries here
I wanted only you
I know that I felt with you
On Saturday afternoon, Nagisa entered the hospital beside Kanzaki and Sugino. He thought about his messages to Karma the day before. He remembered how bad he felt once he revealed to Karma, and how warm his chest felt as Karma told him about his promises. He wasn't sure if everything was back to normal between the two of them yet. He noticed how weird Karma reacted when he mentioned Kayano and decided to talk about her later. He was quite sure by now that Karma felt something for him too. But the redhead probably thought that he had a crush on Kayano, even though he had told him that this wasn't the case. Before meeting with Kanzaki, he had talked to Sugino who agreed on Karma not acting like a friend. As a friend, he would support what he thought to be his love life.
Kayano looked better than a few days before. Nagisa apologized for his trial to distract her. He was quiet embarrassed, and hoped that Kayano wouldn't be mad about it. Gladly, she wasn't. Nagisa was happy to have her back. Even though Kayano lied to him, he still considered her as a friend. As he left the hospital again, his thoughts went back to Karma. He hoped that everything would work out.
On Monday after school, he asked his classmates to meet him in the woods. After everything the class went through with Koro-sensei, Nagisa has thought about the possibility to save the teacher. He shared his idea and looked around. Some of his classmates seemed confused, some excited. Nagisa glanced at Karma. Something told him that the redhead hadn't forgotten about their discussion about Kayano yet. His eyes showed both an emotional conflict and a deep pain.