As the weeks pass by something begins to happen, the closer I get to feeling happy, the warmer I feel among my friends, I begin to remember more. I remember more about Katniss. More importantly that the hallucination of me tearing the Mockingjay dress off her is real. One afternoon I was out in the walking paths with Silas and Nathan, the sun was about to set and I felt total peace and calmness. This sensation was so overwhelming that I had a flashback to the training center, me and Katniss sitting on the roof of the tower, enjoying the last days of what we thought would be our lives. She then leaned into me and kissed me and flat out told me that she wanted to be with me, intimately. Then I had flashes of us together, giving ourselves to each other. The happiness I remembered was more blissful than anything I can remember. When I snapped out of it, I was on the ground gasping for air and utterly confused. I can't ask her because I still don't trust her. Silas and Nathan were there and I demanded that they take me to Beetee immediately. They were very confused but they did anyway.

I have access to his classified work area and it's the first time I visit him. When I walk in, he doesn't seem surprised to see me and he rationally says. "Hello Peeta, I've been waiting for you. I assume you want to see the tapes." He states calmly.

"I do."

"John asked that when you made your way down here that you take a mild sedative just in case…"

I pull out my bottle of pills and show it to him. "I'll have them ready, and I'm not afraid to use them. But I want to be as sober as possible."

He nods, hands me the recording, and Nathan and Silas follow me into a viewing room. I set up the recording, sit back to try to relax, and I push play. Before me unfolds what I've refused to relive and witness. The tape begins with our Reapings, all of which I remember. Then I see video of the opening ceremonies to the Quell – I close my eyes with shame and sadness as I see a young man hopelessly devoted to Katniss - I couldn't take my eyes off her, I can't believe that I was there with the purpose to hang myself for her. I instantly take a pill, and my friends notice. I wipe the single tear that sheds and I take a deep breath. Then we move on to the interviews and I see Katniss in an awful wedding gown that turned into an even more dreadful Mockingjay dress. I feel furious seeing this because we were unknowing pawns for Haymitch. Here was Katniss thinking she was only sticking it to Snow with this statement but it was so much more, she was presented to the whole of Panem that this was their Mockingjay. Never mind her lack of consent. Then it's my turn and I hear what Silas, Johanna, and Nathan already told me. My beautiful brilliant lie that set the Capitol aflame. I smile feeling very satisfied with myself, but it's short because I paid for it dearly.

The Quell begins and I'm mesmerized, it's amazing that when I would watch my first Games I remember feeling horrified, but now after what the Capitol did to me, I'm almost unfeeling. The horrors playing out on the screen don't compare to the horrors I lived in the Capitol as its captor. I feel terrible when I see how I struggle physically after the electrocution. Seeing myself, my young self, hurts. I so badly want to protect that boy. I begin to cry and I feel Silas's hand on my back.

"Why didn't I care about myself then as much as I do now… I was so naïve." I say sadly.

We keep watching. Then it's me and Katniss keeping guard. I begin to talk to her, it's interesting that I knew Haymitch would double cross one of us, if only I would have known how heavy the price was. I then pull the locket. "That's it" I say aloud, "I remember this." Then for some reason Nathan places his hand on my shoulder and squeezes it as if I need extra support. I pay close attention again and I'm completely unprepared to hear Katniss tell me that she can't go on without me and when I try to interject she silences me with a desperate kiss. It's not like the staged and manipulated kisses we shared. This looks real and genuine because I do remember something about Katniss, she was a terrible actor. The moment heats up and for a second I actually believe we may have sex, until Finnick woke up, pulling us apart.

I'm suddenly aware that I'm on my feet and both Silas and Nathan are holding on to one of my hands. I keep looking at the recording and I see the rest of it. I notice that the Victors were obviously trying to keep me safe, I hear the ridiculous plan that Beetee had, and I now know why it was so intricate. I can't help but laugh. I take note that Beetee, Finnick, and Johanna were obviously trying to keep me and Katniss apart. I don't have to remember my rationale to know that Katniss and I must have had a pact to split up from them and they must have known that. So to keep us near them they kept us apart. Johanna and Katniss took off with that stupid coil, I see the Careers cut it, and when they do I close my eyes because it actually feels like they cut into me. I once again see Finnick insist I stay put while he goes on to figure out what happened. Then I see Johanna brutally attack Katniss, I know instantly when she cuts into her arm that she's removing the tracking device. She left her looking mutilated. I then see me and Beetee and we panic the moment we hear a canyon. I then give Beetee a knife and advise him to take his own life because I will kill him myself otherwise. I'm shocked to hear my brutality and then I see how I snapped Brutus's spine in half, all while desperately looking for Katniss. She then makes it back to the tree and starts to scream my name for one reason only, to get the Careers, including Finnick, and Johanna to come after her. When she finally spots them all she then shoots the arrow towards the shield, to take herself out along with my other competition, and the screen goes black.

We stand silent for minutes. Finally Nathan breaks the silence. "That was the last thing we saw. Not even a minute later Peacekeepers came marching towards us ready to attack, and we had no idea why. We were ready, we fought, for hours, until the firebombs came. Then we made it out alive, barely."

I look away from him and wipe the silent tears on my face. I stare at the blank screen that is now only making a buzzing zone.

"They could have told us." I whisper.

"I'm sorry." I hear his voice behind me and I feel shivers down my spine instantly. I turn around slowly and it's Haymitch. "Beetee told me you came to see it."

"You should leave." Silas tells him in the most serious tone I've ever heard come out of him.

But I realize that I don't want him to leave. "You should have told us! You had no right! You fucking used us and you ripped us apart!" I continue to protest. I see Nathan and Silas position themselves between us expecting me to charge I'm sure but I'm more level headed than any of us can imagine.

"I'm so sorry Peeta. I have no excuse."

"Do you know what that lie did to us, how much it could have spared us if you had just said the truth." I cry our desperately to him. "Those two kids loved each other – I know that now, and you, the Capitol, and the rebels destroyed them. You crushed what little we had in our lives."

He just nods. "Peeta that truth pains me but how far were those two kids and their love going to go with the Capitol standing." He tells me calmly.

I consider what he's saying and he's completely right but it still doesn't make it right. "Well I hope you're still getting something out of us, I'm a brain damaged man that walks with pills in my pocket to keep myself from turning into a homicidal maniac at any second and Katniss…" I stop because an unexpected sob escapes me. "Katniss is a fucking morphling, just like the ones from 6, running around dressed in a Mockingjay costume to rally up the troops. What a joke! she can't even finish a single training drill! All for the propaganda." Then I stop and breathe. "And we're doing it, we're winning but not because of me or the Mockingjay, because people are finally sick of dying in the Capitol's Arenas, be it the Game's Arenas or our damned District Arenas!" Then I have nothing more to say. I just stand there staring at him fighting to catch my breath.

"I have no excuse, I just want you to know that I couldn't call the shots. Everyone's lives were on the line, not just yours and Katniss. This plan has been in the making for longer than you've been alive. I suddenly saw myself attached to two tributes, and how I felt couldn't matter more than this Revolution. As much as it killed me… I couldn't risk it." I see so much pain in his eyes and I hate that I do understand him. I believe in this revolution as much as anybody here, it's why I would die for it but it doesn't take away the sting of his betrayal.

"I'm here willingly fighting ready to die for Panem's future. All you had to do was say what we were fighting for…"

"I know that – you would have. Without a doubt you would have, Katniss on the other hand not so much. She probably would have run off into the woods to hide."

"For good reason." I interject. "More importantly, she had a right to say no or yes. Unlike the rest of us soldiers, you all reaped her again!" And I just storm out because I can't look at him anymore. More importantly the pain of what I saw and what it meant hits me. Silas and Nathan run after me and we make it into an elevator. I lean against the wall and wrap my arms around myself and I can't contain the sobs that start coming. More importantly, I can't control the buzzing in my head and I begin to feel the monster's presence known. I collapse and I see Silas over me as lose my senses.

I wake up and I instantly recognize my old padded room, without feeling them, I anticipate the restraints strapping me down. I look down and I see them. Oddly enough, I don't mind them right now, I must be heavily drugged and then I feel laughter rise out of me.

"Well that has to be a good sign." I hear Silas's voice. I look towards the side and he's there with Nathan.

"How bad was it?" I ask.

"Pretty bad." He says and he turns his face to show me the other side of his face, it's both bruised and swollen."

I close my eyes. "Shit."

"I had to inject two tranquilizers – you thought I was Katniss." He says to me.

I open my eyes again and stare it him in shock. "I did? But…"

"What?" Nathan interjects. "Did you think that because you remembered that the girl loved you that you'd be cured of the rewiring the Capitol did on you?" He asks sounding annoyed.

I think about what he says and do my best to ignore his tone. "I guess so." I admit.

He nods looking infuriated now.

"Say it." I say to him.

"What are you doing? Are you going to go back to that? That desperate boy walking around with a noose around your neck, ready to use it in her honor?!" He's yelling now.

"No!" I scream back.

Nathan then gets in my face "You better fucking not, I can't watch you go through that again." He shouts back, he then turns around and walks out.

Silas then hooks me up to something and he listens to my heart with a stethoscope. I stare at him in amazement, I still can't believe he's going to be a doctor. "Why are you grinning?" he asks. "You just got told off."

"I'm not going there again, I'm not going to die for her again." I say to him. "I'll talk to him when I get out. Why is it so hard to believe that realizing that she loved me would be shocking. Do you understand that the capitol made me believe that she wanted to kill me, to destroy my life. Up until now I've been walking around believing that, I have to remind myself that it's a lie but my gut tells me no. Now I have undeniable proof that it's a lie." I sigh as I see his eyes, he doesn't fully get it. "You'll never know why this is huge."

He then pulls back the stethoscope and looks me over. "I hope you try to make us understand and not shut us out like before. When you got back from your first Games, I remember that you once told me how you felt that none of us would ever understand why you felt the way you did. It hurt to hear you say that, because we shared everything. But, I believed you too. You then said that the only person that could help you and even heal you was her, Katniss." He says it bitterly. "So you shut us out and lived for her instead. We let it happen, we thought whatever makes you better, but you weren't. When you continued your relationship with Ivy after your first Games, I thought, that's good. It has to be, he'll move on. But you never did. And you hurt her and us, and more importantly you drove yourself to the ground"

"Silas." I begin to say but he interrupts me.

"No let me finish. When the quell announcement was made, I was fucking furious. Because there was a damn good chance that you would not go into that arena, in fact the odds were in your favor." He laughs, yet he sounds sad. "I actually felt happy for a second, and then reality hit me. Without a doubt you were going to go knocking on the Quell's door, to save her." He nods. "If that's love, it's fucking poison." He says plainly.

Our eyes meet and I see how much I've hurt him. I nod. "You do understand that I don't feel that way anymore. I feel like I'm still healing for that boy, Peeta, the boy that entered two Arenas. He has questions, and I still feel him hurting. I needed answers. What I felt for her was toxic. I remember being in the Capitol, they hadn't completely skewed my mind. I remember having clarity, no longer the memories, but still, I came to the same conclusion you did. I wasn't kind to myself and was willing to die for people. That's no good. I remember I told Johanna, regardless of how Katniss ended up leaving my heart, through torture or me simply finally letting it go, I didn't want that love anymore because it was toxic. I don't like that I stopped loving myself for someone else. I'm never going to do that again."

I look at Silas his brows are tense and his eyes are filled with tears. "I'm going to take you on your word." He then finishes examining me and he then takes the restrains off. "You're fine." He hands me two pills. "They're sleeping aids – you're not going home until you sleep through the night."

"How long have I been here?" It finally occurs to me to ask.

"Three days, without much sleep." He then squeezes my forearm, turns around, and leaves.

I close my eyes and instantly fall asleep.

As I walk into my compartment, I instantly feel that Ivy is not here. I am also very aware that Ivy didn't come to see me during my week in the psych ward. I sit and wait patiently for her to arrive. Hours later, after I complete many relaxing exercises as prescribed to me by John, she finally walks in. The moment she walks in, her face falls and I know instantly that something is wrong.

"Hey." I say to her.

"Hi." I notice that she tears up instantly and this surprises me, she's usually so much more collected than this.

I cut to the chase. "I missed you." I say to her and she seems surprised and I look her over curiously. "That surprises you?" I ask her.

She nods yes and the tears start running. "I mean no, I just…"

"Why didn't you come see me?" I ask.

"I didn't know you wanted to see me." She says.

"What? Why would you think that?"

She takes a deep breath and composes herself. She comes to the couch, sits next to me, and grabs my hand. "I went to visit when you were in a state of psychosis. I asked Silas what happened, what set you off and he told me that you insisted on watching the Quell." She stays silent and stares at me.

"I think you know it was only a matter of time before I did that… I know I put it off because I didn't think I could handle it, to avoid what did happen but I'm not going to avoid my past out of fear of these attacks, otherwise I'll always be a slave to an uncertainty. It will be like a ghost that haunts me."

I observe her and she looks nervous, I'm not sure why. Her usual steady eyes look around everywhere and actually avoid me. "What made you look at it now?" She asks nervously.

I take a deep breath and I decide to be completely honest. "Ivy, I've been remembering things. I've been getting flashbacks and when I see these images the feelings that went with them follow, that's how I know it's not a psychotic hallucination." I stop to take a breath. "I began to remember things that happened between me and Katniss." As soon as I say this she looks away from me nervously.

"You saw the beach scene." She tells me and I now understand her nervousness.

I nod. "Yes I did. I didn't remember that but I did remember other things." She stares nervously at me. "Ivy, Katniss and I were in love. " As soon as I say this she loses her breath and inhales sharply I'm suddenly reminded of the conversation we had when I came back from my Games, where I confessed to her how much I loved Katniss. I start to laugh because I realize how young we were and Ivy looks startled. I stop laughing and grab her hand. "Yeah I know it's not funny and yes, I am crazy. Ivy, I remembered that somewhere in the middle of that charade, that circus; Katniss and I did become lovers." I notice that Ivy's breathing quickens as she looks at me and then pulls her eyes off me. "I remember that the boy that was reaped into two Games wanted nothing more than that love; but not anymore." And when I say this she looks for me again, stunned. "I don't feel that way about her anymore. But I needed to figure out this past."

"Are you going to talk to her about this?" Ivy asks.

"No. There's no point, it's in the past now and it's out of my life. You know, I imposed myself in her life. Our circumstances…" Then I think of the time I gave her the bread that saved her life and I think of her confessions to me as I held her in my arms after giving ourselves to each other, that she referred to me as her boy with the bread since we were eleven years old. Thinking about this shakes something inside my heart and I desperately rationalize this sentiment. I look for Ivy's eyes again. "Our bond – the bond that we shared since we were children, our shared traumas, our shared lives…"

Ivy interrupts me. "You. Your kindness, your courage, and your love made her fall in love with you Peeta. It pains me to say it, but it's the truth."

I nod gently at her. "We are tied to a terrible past, and somehow we found love in a hopeless place. But we or that time are no longer the same. I have nothing to offer her now."

As soon as I say this she throws her arms around me and lets out soft sobs, no doubt she's relieved. I think of Silas's conversation with me yesterday and my friends are all afraid for me, not so much my psychosis but afraid of my past connection to Katniss. They are terrified that I will sink again. I hold onto Ivy too, fearing the same scenario.