A/N: Another long chapter – I'm sure you won't mind. In other news, I finally updated my profile. It now links to my LJ, where I have a couple of Lily/Nina fics. That content is decidedly NSFW, though.

…

The next morning, Nina wakes to the gentle almost-ticklish sensation of Lily stroking her belly. No, more accurately, Lily's stroking her scar, looking at it intently in the early morning light. Sometime during the night Nina must've stretched out on her back, letting the t-shirt she wore to bed ride up to expose the scar on her belly. Now Lily's running her fingers over it lightly, and Nina tries not to give any indication that she's woken up for fear of stopping her.

Lily must have caught the change in Nina's breathing, though, because she shifts her gaze to the older girl's face, and Nina's shocked by the deep sorrow in her eyes. She's never seen Lily look so lost. "What's wrong?" Nina whispers.

"I came so close to losing you, back then, and I didn't even know how much you'd mean to me," Lily whispers back, her voice melancholy. And then she slides down Nina's body to kiss the scar.

It's a gentle, reverent kiss, but the way she moves and the feel of her hair brushing Nina's belly startles a gasp out of the older girl. Lily looks up, and the grief fades, replaced by a warmer and more knowing look. "Oh, I see," Lily murmurs, and never looks away from Nina's eyes as she opens her mouth and lightly traces the scar with the tip of her tongue.

God, her mouth… Nina's hand is fisted in Lily's hair with no memory of putting it there, and she moans aloud as Lily kisses her again just below her navel. "Lily," she whispers pleadingly.

"Nina," Lily murmurs back, right against her skin, and Nina arches her hips up. In her mind she's begging for everything she doesn't dare speak aloud, but mostly it's an endless litany of kiss me, please, kiss me. She can almost see Lily sliding further down, can almost feel Lily's warm breath on her thigh.

Then Lily sighs heavily and sits up, disentangling her hair from Nina's grasp. "You are really making me regret that 'just to sleep' promise last night, let me tell you. Besides, we have practice in an hour."

Nina growls at her, an inarticulate sound of pure frustration, and Lily looks at her appraisingly, tilting her head as if waiting for Nina to say something. Yet what can she say? Lily's right, practice is in an hour, there's no time even if she could figure out how to ask for what she wants. Not just the sex, everything else too – she wants Lily to be hers, but asking that just sounds corny as hell.

Instead Nina tugs her shirt down and gets up. "You're killing me, you know that?" she mutters. Lily just chuckles, that breathy little laugh that makes the hairs on the back of Nina's neck stand up.

Somehow she manages to get dressed and ready for the day without pouncing on Lily. There are so many reasons not to, but the memory of Lily's lips against her skin makes those reasons seem very trivial. Ballet practice is the one thing that can keep Nina's mind out of the gutter and on track, so she focuses on the day's work. She'll have to put in extra effort this morning, because Wednesday afternoons are her scheduled therapy sessions, and Thomas is not entirely pleased about her missing practice, even if he appreciates the progress she's made.

When it's actually time for her session with Dr. Dunlevy, though, Nina finds herself mincing words. Normally he's a very easy person to talk to, looking at her kindly over the rims of his glasses, ready with sympathy or gentle humor at need. But so much has happened in the past week that it's difficult to even begin.

Nina finally starts by saying, "I had dinner with my mother last night." Explaining how that went leaves her feeling miserable again, and she tells him so. "I felt so guilty for leaving her there. Lily says I did the right thing, but … I don't think she's the best guide for parent-child relationships. Did I really handle it the right way, or am I the horrible person Mom says I am?"

"It's natural to feel some guilt in that situation," Dr. Dunlevy reassures her. "The important question, Nina, isn't what I think or what Lily thinks or what your mother thinks. It's whether you think you did what's right."

Nina sighs and runs her hands through her hair, thinking. "Yes. I couldn't really handle it any other way. If I'd stayed, she'd only get worse, and I can't let her control me. No matter how much I love her."

"Very good," Dr. Dunlevy says with a broad smile. "You're making a lot of progress with your mother, Nina. Things may never be perfect – you can't control how other people will behave – but hopefully in time she'll begin with work with you instead of against you."

"I hope so," Nina replies fervently.

"Now, about Lily, how is that situation?" Dr. Dunlevy is a bit more cautious on this topic. As sensitized to disapproval as Nina is, she knows he has some doubts about her continued involvement with the girl she sometimes hallucinated. It is a strange sort of relationship to be in.

And how exactly is that situation? A part of Nina, a decidedly black-feathered part, wants to say, If I'd woken up an hour earlier this morning I'd have begged her to go down on me, and she might've even done it. How's that sound to you, Doc? The rest of her curbs the sarcastic response. "I … I don't know. She warned me once that I wasn't ready for a relationship with her, and from other things she's told me it sounds like she doesn't really do relationships."

"Is that what you want from her? A relationship?" She sighs and looks at the ceiling, considering. It's not shyness, and he knows that, only contemplation. When Nina first hesitantly brought up her romantic inclinations toward another girl, he never once looked shocked. Then when she'd doubted his acceptance of it, he'd informed her that many girls her age had had same-sex relationships, that the medical establishment had formally concluded that homosexuality was not a disorder to be treated but simply a normal expression of human sexuality, and that most people who disapproved of it were either quoting religious dogma or were reacting to deep-seated phobias about their own homoerotic urges.

Since then she's been more able to deal with her own attraction to Lily. It doesn't feel wrong to her anymore, it feels right, and the shame she'd felt in the past is rapidly fading. Nina sometimes pictures it withering like twists of newspaper in a fireplace – she has no reason to hold on to this lingering embarrassment about her feelings. Emotions and attractions simply are, it's how she acts on them that determines her moral standing, and she's spent most of her life going to ballet practice on Sunday mornings instead of church, so there's no especial religious fervor to overcome.

Still, the question remains. Does she want a relationship with Lily, or is she just powerfully attracted to what Lily symbolizes for her: freedom, courage, sensuality? In other words, does she want to be Lily or to be with Lily?

Both, the darker side of her mind replies. Not exactly her, but more like her, yes. And with her, yes, definitely yes, with her every night and every day, yes. The thought makes Nina smile. "Yeah, that's what I want from her. I feel like I should buy a Valentine's Day card that says 'be mine' on it; I want to bring her roses and chocolate and all that corny romantic stuff. The problem is, I don't know how it'll be received."

"Very few of us ever do, Nina," Dr. Dunlevy tells her gently. "Still, few rewards come without risks, and in this case you'd be risking rejection. Consider, however, that by not making overtures, you're also taking a risk, in this case the risk of missing out on the relationship that could be. Of course, the situation is complicated by the fact that you two are living together."

Nina bites her lip. "Well, the thing is… Even though I'm not sure about the relationship thing with Lily, there's a lot of, um, kissing going on. And other stuff too. But I don't want this to be friends with benefits, I really don't. It drives me nuts when she flirts with other people, and I can't imagine how much worse that would get if she was actually mine to be jealous over."

Dr. Dunlevy looked especially interested at that. "Why is it important to you that you be more than friends with benefits?"

It seems an odd question, and Nina looks askance at him. "Because I want to be more important to her than just that. I mean, she sleeps with people she just met – I want to mean more to her than that."

"Why?" Dr. Dunlevy demands.

"Because I love her," Nina answers automatically.

He nods, beginning to smile. "I believe that's the first time you've ever said so aloud. Am I correct?"

"Yes," Nina admits.

"Have you discussed this at all with Lily?"

Nina rakes her hands through her hair again. "No, I haven't. It's like I have some kind of mental block where she's concerned. The times I want to say something the most, I just … freeze. Like a deer in headlights. And I hate that, it's so damn frustrating and cowardly."

One of his eyebrows ticks up slightly at the profanity; Nina rarely curses in his office. She's getting to the point where she can read him, and knows that by swearing she's indicated that the situation is a lot more intense than she wanted him to know.

Dr. Dunlevy pauses a moment. "Let me ask this, Nina. Do you trust Lily?"

"Yes." The answer is instantaneous.

"Absolutely?"

"Yes. When I first moved in with her, I told you how I made her promise to always tell me the truth. She kept that promise." And every other promise she'd made, even last night when Nina really would've preferred Lily breaking it. At least, part of her would have preferred that.

"Then why are you so afraid of telling her how you feel?"

"Because…" To her annoyance, Nina finds herself speechless yet again.

"Do you think it might have something to do with the fact that for your entire life, love has been accompanied by the burden of expectations?" Dr. Dunlevy asks.

Nina considers that, and shakes her head. "Not with Lily. She puts up with so much from me, and she expects nothing of me, except that I get better. And, you know, pay my rent and stuff, but those are normal expectations. Not burdens. She doesn't believe in burdening people, which is one reason why I'm afraid she won't want to do the relationship thing. Lily has a history of her own."

He nods. "Nina, our time is almost up. Before we're finished today, though, I want you to think more about why you're so afraid of rejection where Lily is concerned. Ask yourself, what's the worst that could happen?"

"The worst? She could tell me she doesn't want romance, and everything between us would stop. I'd rather have this weird kind of halfway-together not-quite-relationship than nothing, than just have to be her friend." Her own unguarded answer startles Nina somewhat. She'd been telling herself it was better to be Lily's friend – a very close, affectionate friend – but that wasn't at all what she was. There'd been too much kissing and petting to believe that anymore, and being just a friend wasn't nearly enough. "Shit. I'm deluding myself all over again. I'm letting myself fall into the friends with benefits thing, aren't I, by fooling around with her and just not talking about the fact that I want more."

Nina sighs in aggravation, briefly covering her face. "I have to talk to her. Even if I have to write one of those stupid notes, those 'Do you like me, circle yes or no' kinds of things, somehow I have to tell her what's going on with me. It's not fair to her otherwise."

"You're absolutely right, as usual. Nina, you've come a very long way in therapy," Dr. Dunlevy says. "You are certainly one of the most dedicated patients I've ever had; your commitment to your own recovery and growth is impressive."

"I'm a ballet dancer, we don't do anything by halves," she replies with a small, proud smile.