Please Read Authors Notes

**Quick recap, we left Camille and Jem on the outskirts of the University where Jem promised Camille he would join them later, he just had to do one thing, and in his excitement he took off for the Clock Tower.

Alec had just addressed the nation without Magnus, but little did he know his lover was gathering what was left of the Underground for one final stand.**

Chapter 37. My Secret Heart Forbidden

The ice is thin come on dive in

Underneath my lucid skin

The cold is lost, forgotten

Hours pass days pass time stands still

Light gets dark and darkness fills

My secret heart forbidden...

I think you worried for me then

The subtle ways that I'd give in but I know

You liked the show

Tied down to this bed of shame

You tried to move around the pain but oh

Your soul is anchored

The only comfort is the moving of the river

You enter into me, a lie upon your lips

Offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get

Only a fool's here...

I don't like your tragic sighs

As if your god has passed you by well hey fool

that's your deception

Your angels speak with jilted tongues

The serpent's tale has come undone you have no

Strength to squander

The only comfort is the moving of the river

You enter into me, a lie upon your lips

Offer what you can, I'll take all that I can get

Only a fool's here to stay

Ice by, Sarah McLachlan

In the heart of the change there would forever be the doubt, but looking out on the crowd Alec saw only the very heart of the nation with the relief over their eyes. They did not suffer like the Underground did, but seemed as willing to take him as a King as any other. He thought it too easy, and half wondered if they simply didn't take him seriously. The Prince made promises that politicians never kept, and sometimes that was truer than the glorious words that came from great men. She came in like a storm; the idea of a brighter tomorrow, but the Underground came in like the night.

The crowd was stone, silenced by the figures that emerged as if the forgotten had been a plague that pulled from the memory of years past. What were they there for? However, Alec didn't seem surprised. As the tattered and torn souls with their weary eyes made their way towards the front of the crowd Alec spotted the one who mattered the most; the ghost from the past who had become his future in a single night, and the man whose hands held his heart between such beautiful fingers. Closer to the platform they came, and when the guards came to press them back Alec's voice broke through the confusion.

"No, let them pass. They have every right to be here too." His command was short, and on the edge of the stage he caught Magnus' eyes. He had left him with Jem, but clearly he should have known. His place was there, and no amount of pretending could ever bring him to forget that truth. Magnus had been outcast like the rest of them, and it would not be like him to simply take the charity given to him. Alec knew he loved him, and he returned the feelings. However, this was something that he would never break Magnus from, and had his plan.

"We came to hear your promise, Lightwood. We came to make you swear it." Magnus looked as deadly as ever with his eyeliner smudged around his eyes that seemed to hold that glow that spoke of powers undefined. "I have come before you with an offer of peace, and to hold you to your truce." The Underground King held open his hands as if to lay his cards on the tables.

Around them the guards moved in further with weapons poised and ready, but none were prepared for what came next. Alec moved from the podium and came to the edge of the platform to offer Magnus his hand, and the other took it with a smirk that was reserved. Alec knew it's meaning, but the rest would miss the love they shared. None of them knew it was Alec had pulled him from his Hell just like this once, and would never let him fall.

"Hi," Alec whispered looking up to the other man with that sheepish smile of his, and Magnus returned the gesture with his back to the crowd. However, when he turned to face the crowd Alec's words continued.

"Hi. Sorry. Camille is with Jem. I.." Before he could explain Alec extended his hand, but not to be taken like lovers do. No, this was the sort of hand that came with promises, and when a silence fell over the crowd Magnus took it.

"You had to do this, I know," Alec whispered back as he shook Magnus' hand, and the clicks of the cameras made up the only noise that still came from the crowd despite the small sounds of approval. When Alec faced the crowd again they cheered, and relief washed in as they stood there. "You owe it to them." Alec still spoke in a voice that only Magnus could hear while placing his hand on his lover's shoulder, but he would miss the way Magnus was looking at him.

"I owe it to you." With that Alec shifted his glance to catch the man's eye, and Magnus squeezed the shoulder he held on to. "I love you." The expression caught the Prince off guard, but his heart still soared. His whole body wanted to fall into Magnus and as their faces inched a bit further together, Maryse moved to separate them.

"Alexander, we have much to do still." She smiled to the crowd, but turned a glare on Magnus while the team came again to collect the Prince and ripping him from Magnus' hold. All Magnus could do was watch him walk away, knowing this battle was far from over, and he wondered when he would ever get to see his Alexander again. However, just as the question quieted the pounding of his heart, Alec turned a glance over his shoulder and mouthed the word.

Church.

The awakening started on his walk through the campus, and Jem's heart fluttered in his chest like some wild winged dove that knew no bounds. His steps were swift, the gate of his walk more like a slow jog as he bound down the path in search of one thing. The thoughts so pure that raced his mind, led back to one man. Even before William, the affection was there, the need to be accepted, and the desire to make him proud. Long raven black hair, fine detailed fingers beneath beautifully adorned sleeves, and ordinary words spoken like a prayer in a French accent that placed him with kings. Jean-Luc,

All he could think about was racing up those stairs, throwing back the great oak door of the Professor's study, and seeing him seated there like some Lord by the fire with books older than he was spread out across his desk. Jem wanted nothing more that to confess, what harbored in his soul ever since William released his heart. Death was a brutal way to end a relationship, but Jem had suffered in silence enough. Time had passed that had healed, and though the affection he felt for the Professor burned on black wings he knew it to be true.

Jem felt so small again beside the mighty oaks, but moving between them now made it feel as though they carried him. The wind that chased through the bare branches budding with new life gave him strength to continue when his lungs burned. His legs felt warm as the blood pumped swiftly from a heart that refused to give out just yet, and finally Jem found himself running.

The eyes of those he passed ignored him for the most part; some surprised at such a beautiful thing as it moved over the stone like a storm, but for the most part no one cared. No one seemed to remember him, and for the first time in a better part of a year Jem felt as though all would truly be all right. All he had to do was reach those stairs.

"But I do not understand. The war is over. Why does the military not do anything?" Jem asked feeling eyes of those who had taken refuge here on him as they passed together, "How hard would it have been to simply bomb them all today. Kill all of those people?" With that said, Jean-Luc, turned a look of surprise down to the little youth under his arm, and was instantly taken back. He had never imagined that Jem was capable of such words, but when he got a better look at Jem's coat he could see the weather faded wording of his father's name. Jem had grown up in the secluded mountains of China, how was he to know?

"What if they are the ones who are right?" Jean-Luc asked quietly as he slipped the key from his pocket to push open the old oak door that led to a room far too beautiful to ever be an office. The tall windows overlooked all of London, and now Jem knew how the Professor had known he was in trouble. Below he could see the small shadows of the rebels still on the streets; their destruction still lighting up the night. How could people so violent be right?

The tea set was still warm, and when Jean-Luc took off his coat he was quick to settle in the chair to prop his bad leg up. "Go hang your coat, and then come sit with me." A ghost of Jean's hand motioned to the chair opposite of him, and the wave of the lace cuff broke his attention. Jem turned from the window to take off his father's coat, and moved to hang it where the Frenchman's did.

The clock tower was beautiful, and where there were bookcases full of old books there was also gears and cogs far too polished to have ever belonged here. The ceiling was high as it stretched into the workings of the ancient clock, and Jem wondered when the bells chimed if the entire room would shake. The actual brass bell was outside, but still the room was so close it had to be loud. The large hands of the clock's face were shadows against the glass and almost haunting, but it fit the Professor very well.

Every time he had gone back all he could think of was that night, when the streets had ran with blood of the innocent, and the black winged Professor had pulled him from this hell. He would have been killed had it not been for those cold hands, and dead still even without them. In the short months he had known William he had loved him, but this…this was something different. This was what months of darkness would bring you, this is what came from life without a sun, and this was what happened when death made you forget you were alive. He didn't have much time left of this world, and Jem knew his days would be numbered. Yet, upon that first step…the one there with the white cross embedded in the marble, he felt he couldn't measure a moment like this in the grander scheme of it all. How did one put such a limit on his life?

"Professor!" Jem's voice, sweet like a song, sang up the spiraling stairs and his steps set the tempo to which he climbed. "Jean-Luc!" He had looked already in the class rooms, but this late in the day the Professor was always here. He had his afternoon tea here, and fed the rumors of him feeding from the blood of a virgin. "I'm free!" He shouted upon the top step, knowing that the words 'I'm back' and 'I'm here' couldn't mean as much as what it was to truly find the freedom Jem felt.

Without looking Jem could see him standing there, and long before he even turned the handle the long silhouette of the Frenchman came to his mind's eye. When the door to the room wasn't locked, he felt his heart skip a beat, and pressed back the fine oak to reveal what he knew had been waiting like he promised.

But the room was empty….

Not even a single piece of paper remained, and at first Jem's thoughts refused to register what his eyes did see. The wind that pushed him here came tumbling in after, with leaves as dried as the way his mouth felt, and when little strands of his moon colored hair came to tickle his lips he hardly cared.

"Professor?" Jem called out, in a voice that sounded like a sigh, but one that refused to give up. His desk was gone, the beautiful carpets and the books, the skeletons of small animals and the gears, all of it. Gone.

No…

And with that realization came a great force that caused Jem to sink onto his knees.

Twice now Magnus had stood before the Lord in a Church that felt like a ghost from his past. Stained glass windows broken left behind little bits of rainbow colored glass across the floor, and as the sun set through them the amber light warmed his skin while he waited. By now the crowds had gone, the refugees separated into hospitals for treatment they had been so long without, and the rest sank in relief inside what few homes still stood.

Brittle pages of weather worn books and dried leaves scattered the crimson red of the Church's floor while long ghost like sheets draped over the back of pews and breathed with life with each swell of the breeze. Here Magnus waited, like a fool he thought, for a boy that wasn't going to ever be able to slip away, and the silence was enough to slip inside his sanity and pull out what was left of it with a thin silver line.

He hated to feel so alone, and hated it more than ever to feel it now. He had known the Underground and he had once remembered what it was to regularly attend this Church with a family that had forsaken him, but of the two he would stay here on his knees all night to keep from going back to a life without Alec. And so he sank in grief, there upon the alter he found himself facing his sins all over again.

"Our Father, which art in heaven,

Hallowed be thy Name.

Thy Kingdom come.

Thy will be done in earth,

As it is in heaven."

The words left his lips in a quiet whisper as he spoke to God, thanking him, begging him for forgiveness, and feeling as though for what he felt was the first time redeemed. The blood to which he shed was of the sort that served a greater purpose but still he felt the guilt of taking a life that was never his to take, and though he knew such a divine and holy place would never accept him, Magnus only asked for one thing.

"There on your knees, Bane, I thought for a moment you actually believe." Alec's voice broke through the church in such a fashion that the small scatter of roosting birds moved from one side of the ceiling to the other, but Magnus wouldn't look at him just yet. Instead he moved the tips of his half gloved hands to wipe away the tears that he didn't know he shed.

"And whoever said I didn't, Lightwood?" He spoke with his back still to the Prince, and though his tone was a fearful sound, Magnus was smiling. That smile would soon turn on Alec who opened his arms so that he could meet them, and Magnus did. Like a child he longed to be held and upon meeting his Prince he let Alec do just that. He pressed his head to Alec's shoulder listening to his heart that he could feel against his cheek, and smiled as Alec ran his hand up through his hair.

"Did you think I wasn't coming?" Alec asked as he trailed the tips of his fingers over the back of Magnus' neck, and ran the other down his spine. "You should know better than that." Alec didn't need an answer to know what Magnus was thinking, he had thought about it the whole way here.

How would this ever work? However, before the question ever got any further on his thoughts, his lips were kissed and rightfully so. Magnus met his mouth with a whisper of I love you... first before he pressed his lips to Alec's, but when they did take in the Prince, Alec's whole body melted into his. The eagerness in the kiss extended to their hands, and for that Alec was thankful Magnus held him so tightly.

"I love you," Alec said breathlessly between kisses, and brought his hands to snake around Magnus' neck for further support. But just before he could continue, and when Magnus almost lifted him from his feet he pressed his hands to the taller man's chest, "Wait." It was hell to say that, to stop him now, and hell enough to be tortured with not knowing where to go next. But this conversation had to happen.

"No, Alec. Please." Magnus refused to open his eyes, refused to allow himself to separate from the Prince just yet, and to try and convince him further he ran his hands under Alec's shirt to skim along the smooth surface of his sides and along his back, "I know what you are going to say. I know we can't do this. I know what comes next, but I refuse, I refuse, I refuse!" He hung his head then, clutching the boy to him, but as well refusing to cry anymore. He should be immune to this now, but just wasn't.

"Magnus…" Alec sighed, but not the sort that sounded as though he had given up. And when he took Magnus' face in his hands he kissed him once again, but this time the touch of his lips was soft and promising. "No, baby. I can't live without you. We can make this work. I want this to work. I just…" He sighed, pressing his forehead against the other man's in an attempt to quell his frustration at the entire ordeal, and how badly he knew this was going to hurt them both.

"You just came out of shadows, out of darkness, out of hiding. How can I ask you to go back? How can I do that to someone I love? But Magnus, I have to be honest with myself. I will have to win this whole world over, not just this nation. They won't take me seriously, or worse they would kill me if they knew the truth. " Alec spoke all at once as he brushed his thumbs over Magnus' cheeks, and there in the dying light he knew he was already asking too much.

"All I need is a little time. One year. One year to make this all right, and to right every wrong. I can do it in a year," Alec whispered now as he started to slowly sway with Magnus there in his arms. He held him close while they danced to the sounds of their beating hearts, just as they had danced that night with the piano playing at their side, but Magnus wasn't crying anymore. His eyes were open as they found a place over Alec's shoulder to study while his thoughts ran circles around his heart.

"Just one year?" He asked without moving, finding the way the light through the stained glass seemed to sparkle on that tacky red carpet, and in a voice that was quiet he continued, "One year of what? Living in your shadow? Being that dirty little secret that sneaks into your bed at night only to leave before morning? I'll get to stand as some toy forgotten on the side while you do all the dirty work?" When he put it that way, it sounded like hell, and Alec felt his heart tumble.

"Well…" The Prince pressed his cheek against Magnus' as he as well found something to stare at over the other man's shoulder, "I was going to offer you a place in the House. A Seat there in Parliament so that way we can work on a better tomorrow together, but when you put it that way it sounds like a stupid idea." It was Alec's turn to let his face fall as the shame swelled inside him of ever thinking this would have worked, but what he missed was Magnus' smile once more and for a good long moment he felt the silence was enough to separate a year between them. However, Magnus finally spoke,

"Do I get to have a title?" With that they both laughed, and the sound of it was beautiful, like the choirs that once sang in places like this—when there were things worth writing songs about.

"You can have whatever you want." Alec pulled back to catch Magnus' eye, and smiled as he dipped the Underground King back as if they really were waltzing across the floor, "I'll give you whatever you desire. I'll fill every one of your days full of exciting new things that you won't even realize a year will pass." His lips landed on the pulse on the sensitive part of Magnus' neck, and he breathed, "Every night we we'll spend together. We'll travel the world, see new things, and all the while rebuild what should have never been broken."

Magnus righted himself there in Alec's arms, a very serious look following such joyful words made him feel as though he should have just said yes, but this was asking a lot of him. He had just come from a world where he had to hide what he was, and who he loved. However, Alec wasn't asking this out of spite or cruelty. He was right. He needed time to make the world love him, and gain their trust. He needed to be their King before he could go throwing such things like 'love' around. Magnus knew there would never be a day when such a man could truly be accepted for loving another, and in Alec's case it could cost him everything. The nation would go back to the way it was, and ultimately they both could be killed.

"I need you Magnus. I need you more than I think you will ever know. I can't do this alone, but most of all I can't live without you." That was all Magnus needed to hear. That was everything he needed to hear, and without saying anything more he just let himself fall back into Alec once again. Their lips met, his arms went around Alec's hips, and his hands beneath his shirt.

"I will." Do whatever it takes…whatever you need…I will be whatever you want, just keep me close. Unspoken between them words of forever moved along the lines of Alec's jaw and down his neck as he eased the Prince back. "Yes." He continued as the back of Alec's knees came to a halt with the first pew and hungry hands came to relieve him of his shirt. A feverish need broke out between them that would have them consummate their vows right then and there. Alec moaned as he arched his bare back against the upholstery as Magnus all but ripped away his defenses, and as the darkness of the evening unfolded their love continued well into the night.

A/N:

So if you are still reading this PLEASE let me know. I'd kill to have just a little quick, "Yes I am, you are forgiven for not updating." I've been sick, and will be so for what looks like a long time. I married the man I have been seeing off and on for the past five years just to secure insurance and survival in the world. I hope you understand that getting old sucks, and you wake up going 'oh that lump on your breast? Might be something you need to get looked at.' Turns out you should have had it looked at 5 years ago.

I've really been working hard on my original stuff, but this just felt so right to finally write this again. I miss you guys so much, and if you are still out there shoot me a line? I still have one more chapter I think or at least the one that ties this whole thing up, and if you are still reading and or still interested I'll do a part two. I promise I'll be more steady to update now!