Chapter Thirty-Seven: Uncertainty *

Robin left the table not long after that for reasons he did not disclose.

Things had been so awkward for me after my offer to stay that I'd wanted to go back to my white room immediately, but shortly thereafter, all sorts of chaos broke loose all at once. Altogether, I think people needed to just, you know, chill or something, because Beast Boy started poking Raven and asking questions pretty much as soon as Robin left, and the annoying gestures continued until she visibly snapped and used her powers to throw a burger at his face.

He started running around like an idiot since he'd accidentally taken a bite, and he wouldn't sit down long enough for Cyborg to get a decent word in, but when he tripped and knocked a can of soda onto the black boy's metallic chest, he let out a playful growl and got the changeling into a headlock, giving him a noogie. Matters only got worse when Starfire floated out of her chair all giggles and smiles, wanting to join in on the playful antics, but ended up getting drenched in soda herself, which had turned into her throwing more soda into the air and raining it on everyone.

I'd backed off from the table and taken respite out of range from the insanity, watching with disbelieving eyes as Raven used her powers to shield herself from the raining soda pop and food without even looking away from her book. I was amazed by how she could calmly continue eating like nothing was happening. Yeah. People needed to chill.

Or at the very least, be a little more like her.

Letting out an irritated sigh, I glanced at the inviting half-circle couch and decided to sit down on the plush fabric. My body sank into the cushions, and I relaxed, staring off at the twilight gloom making the sky go dark. I was hit by a sudden sense of awe, swift and unexpected, since I couldn't really believe any of this was happening.

So much had happened in the last few months that I could barely process it.

Finding out in deal about people's real supernatural powers, and then finding out that I had them as well amidst typical school drama... creating a tornado to save Tyler, going to the mall with Amber, being kidnapped by the hive, our great escape, and then, the hospital fiasco, my run in with the Teen Titans themselves, and then, losing everything from my home to my future as a musician, I'd been through literal hell and back.

Now, after all that, I had to worry about keeping my spastic feelings under control so I didn't wipe out a city with a populace of over a million people who had no idea what I was capable of, no idea what kind of threat my existence posed to them. A chill that had nothing to do with the ice inside me went down my spine and I hugged myself, shivering. That scared me more than anything. Being responsible for causing the destruction of Jump City would be like reliving the Oklahoma Disaster, only this time I wouldn't be branded as a victim, I'd be branded as the one responsible for it.

I shook my head free of my morbid thoughts after a moment and slumped, staring at the darkening sky, momentarily getting lost in the prettiness of the scenery.

If there's one thing this tower does have, I thought, watching the ocean froth beneath the first stars that seemed to be poking their pretty little faces through the gloom, it's no end of beautiful views overlooking the city and the ocean.

I was lost in my head when Raven suddenly cleared her throat, making me glance up; she'd left the loudness of the kitchen table behind and was now standing beside me, looking down her pert nose from within the shadow of her hood.

"What?" I bluntly asked, sounding far more dazed than I intended.

"It's late," she said back, sinking down on the couch directly beside me; she didn't look at me, instead choosing to flip her book back open, "and you're clearly exhausted. Nobody's expecting anything from you, and you are allowed to retire for the night if you're as tired as you look."

I returned to staring at the sky, not really sure how to answer her. It must have been shock, what I was feeling.

I let my head tilt back over the edge of the couch, staring mindlessly at the ceiling. Knees together, hands in my lap, just focusing on my breathing because suddenly, now more than ever before in my whole damn life, I wanted to cry. I couldn't, though. I couldn't let myself be weak when I needed to be stronger than ever before.

I would crumble if I didn't or worse, lose control of my powers.

"Why did you offer to stay when you clearly don't want to?"

Her voice startled me.

I tiredly swiveled my head on my neck to find her staring at me out of the corner of her eyes, but there was nothing that betrayed what she was feeling, nothing that gave me a single hint about what might have been on her mind.

"I had no choice," I said, too down to bother trying to mince my words. "If I'm really capable of leveling an entire city, I'm going to need help that I won't be able to find if I'm out on my own. I'm not sure about the whole becoming a superhero thing, I don't know if I'm cut out for that sort of life, but I do know you're my best option right now."

Raven turned a little more, large amethyst eyes staring me down.

"The uncertainty about our way of life is normal," she murmured, monotonous voice rasping against my ears like a cat's tongue. "None of us really know what the right path truly is in our line of work. It's easy to make mistakes."

A wash of bitter anger swept over me and I clenched my jaw.

"Yeah, well, that just scares me even more," I muttered under my breath, turning away from her eyes and glaring up at the ceiling. "What happens if I do make a mistake and someone gets killed because of it? What if I lose control of my powers like you guys say I might and end up hurting hundreds of people?"

"That's why you need to learn how to control it," Raven said smoothly. "Robin was right in suggesting that I-"

"You can't control nature," I immediately interrupted, righting myself and glaring at the floor with my hair standing on end; I squeezed the front of my skirt, shaking my head, rejecting the idea, because it was absurd. "I might be able to influence the weather, and heck, I might even be able to make things happen to it, but controlling it is impossible."

"Anything is possible with enough time and focus. That is the point I'm-"

"You don't know what storms can do to people!" I maliciously shouted, turning my eyes on her; she fell silent, staring at me with a clear, unfettered gaze, not blinking, not hesitating, pure and tranquil and nondescript. I, on the other hand, felt like the complete opposite, a swirling tempest on the inside, unbridled emotion tearing up everything in its path. "You haven't seen it. You haven't lived through it. Even if my powers weren't as dangerous as they are, I wouldn't be able to control the weather, it's not something that can be controlled! Forces of nature... they're..."

I trailed off, fighting to calm down.

I knew I sounded stupid, that I sounded like I was complaining, that I was basically telling her that nothing she could teach me would matter, that the Titans couldn't help me, but I couldn't stop myself. Mental flashes of my home being ripped apart, piece by piece, of my bedroom walls being torn to shreds, of my sisters screaming right before the whole house had exploded seared behind my eyes, and I tensed, face screwing up.

I had seen nature's wrath firsthand.

I had seen, and felt, and experienced what the world could do when it was angry. I had been thrown thousands of feet into the sky, had been buried under rubble, had felt, and experienced, and survived the sheer, raw, overwhelming sense of helplessness of being held at the mercy of a force that no man, woman, or child could stop.

My home, gone in seconds. My family, dead in minutes. My town, erased in hours. The whole county, ruined in days. My old life, my happiness, everything I once was, over in less than a week. Storms were notsomething I wanted to fuck around with, and if push came to shove, I would leave before I could start creating them for the Titans. Getting the power to subconsciously create thunderstorms under control was one thing, but trying to harness the weather, to use something so wild and unpredictable and dangerous for the Titans, was something else entirely.

I didn't want any part of that.

"I want to be able to prevent my powers from causing problems," I eventually whispered, valiantly trying to keep my voice from shaking, "but I don't want to use them. Ever. Nature isn't something that people should ever mess with."

Raven was silent for the longest time, and when I finally found the courage to look at her, I saw that she was still watching me.

"You're afraid," she said simply, quietly. "Its understandable considering what you're capable of, but you can't let it dictate how you handle things. You're many things, but you're not a coward. Or, was I wrong about that?"

I passed a hand through my hair slowly, chewing on her words.

I wasn't sure how to answer her—because I didn't know.

Normally, with every day situations like bullies or schoolwork or people doing bad shit, I knew how to handle it in some fashion. Be a little bitchy, remain studious, if necessary I would even get a bit violent, but with something like this, something I didn't know how to predict, or handle, I was floundering in the dark and that feeling, that helplessness of not knowing what to do, genuinely unsettled me in a way I wasn't used to dealing with.

I wasn't one to shy from conflict, but in this situation, I had no idea what to do because the conflict was with myself. I couldn't run from myself even if I wanted to, but I also couldn't confront myself either, could I? Not in a typical sense, anyway. Not in a way that could help me get past this issue. It was like being stuck with a disease: this problem was connected to me as a whole, and I had no idea what the fuck I was supposed to do with my life normally anymore.

"I'm not sure," I said, trying to keep my tone even. "A few months ago, I had no idea I could do any of this, and my life was on a completely different track."

Raven blinked once.

"Dwelling on it won't bring you back to that time. All you can do is move forward."

I took a deep breath and sadly let it out, lacking my usual fire since she was right.

Behind us, Beast Boy, Starfire, and Cyborg were all still having a noisy, laughter-induced blast, filling the stillness of this massive living room with sound and life. I looked at Raven, she looked at me, and while we looked at each other it struck me that she was always coming to my rescue when I really needed it. She was quiet, logical, and strangely empathetic despite how closed-off she seemed, and yet, for whatever reason, she trusted me.

She had been the first to trust me, to defend me, to listen to what I had to say.

"Thank you," I quietly said, watching as she blinked again.

"For what?" she deadpanned, raising a thin black brow; her eyes slid into a half-lidded stare as she regarded me without feeling. "Agreeing to teach you?"

"No, for everything," I tiredly reiterated, swiveling my head and once again staring at the ceiling. "For trusting me, and for listening, and for understanding, and for offering advice that other people didn't know how to give me when I really needed it the most."

I felt the couch shift slightly, but I didn't turn.

"Don't thank me," she deadpanned. "I have my reasons for going along with this, and for tolerating your presence, most of them selfish. Just because you have a modicum of trust and respect from me does notmean that you and I are friends."

The bitter words didn't even sting, since I'd felt similarly.

I was grateful to her, of course, but I'd never once considered her my friend.

I didn't even really know her.

"I'm still grateful," I snorted, regaining a bit of my old bitchy spark. "Just take the damn thank you and move on, please."

I heard a muffled snort, but received no witty response. Without warning, Starfire's gorgeous face suddenly appeared in front of my own, suffused with a smile so radiant I was surprised I didn't go blind.

"Forgive me for disturbing you," she said sweetly, pushing her hair behind her ears to prevent it from cascading across my face. "I simply wish to ask if you would like to venture with me to set your worried friends at ease."

I blinked at her.

"It's a little late, but yeah," I said, recalling with a flash that Amber and Sarah were probably still freaking out about me running off. "I do need to make sure they know I'm all right. I ran off without telling them where I was going, and for all I know they're probably running themselves ragged."

"Then let us go!" Starfire chimed, eyes widening. "We should not let them worry over you any longer!"

I sighed through my nose and glanced at Raven, opening my mouth to ask if I was actually allowed to head out on my own after everything that had already happened, but just as I was about to speak the lights in the room turned red and began to flash. I jumped, shoulders bunching to my ears in shock as a loud, deafening alarm not unlike the fire alarm at my school filled the room. Starfire gasped and Raven instantly rose to her feet, book dropping to the couch.

I looked around, watching as Beast Boy lunged over the edge of the sofa as a cheetah and morphed back into a human; Cyborg followed not long after, and sure enough, just as they gathered around where I was sitting, the middle window suddenly flashed and an image of Robin came up on the screen, making me gape at him.

"Titans, trouble!" he barked. "We've got reports of a robbery at Jump's Pacific National Bank!"

"Any news on who's doing the robbery?" Cyborg asked, the literal face of seriousness.

"Mad Mod and Mumbo," the Titan leader grimly said, and a collective groan filled the air. "We need to get a move on, now!"

"Oh, man," Beast Boy complained, planting his face in his palm and rubbing his eyes. "If those two are working together this is going to be a nightmare."

"Meet me outside in two minutes!" Robin ordered over the annoying din of the alarm. "Be ready to go!"

"Robin," Cyborg suddenly said, and the masked boy paused, staring at him; the screen as a whole was absolute huge, magnifying him in a way that had me reeling. "What about her?"

"What about her?" Robin flatly asked. "If you're suggesting she come with us, the answer is no. Her powers are more of a danger to everyone around her than an asset, and moreover she's got a broken leg."

"You know that's not what I meant," Cyborg said, then gestured at me. "Who's staying behind?"

I did a double take and stared at him, then grew angry... extremely angry.

"If you're that worried about leaving me alone in your home," I seethed, practically spitting each word, "I have no problem sitting outside until you get back, but for real? That was really fucking low, and I don't-"

"There's no need for that," Robin suddenly said, and I snapped my mouth shut in surprise. "We know how her powers work now, and she's already agreed to stay so we can help her work on keeping them under control, so its fine if she makes herself at home while we take care of this. Now, we need to move out!"

With that, the screen winked out and the floor-to-ceiling window returned to normal, as did the flashing red lights. I rubbed my ears when the grating alarm finally halted.

"You heard the man," Cyborg said, casting me a wide grin. "Looks like you're welcome to do whatever while we go kick us some bad guy butt!"

"That's fine by me," I ended up saying, and after a chorus of worried 'goodbyes' the Titans left.

Well, all of the titans save for Starfire, who was hovering in the air and looking at me apologetically.

"I am sorry, but I am afraid we must postpone your time of reconciliation," she said sadly. "You are not mad, yes?"

I leaned back against the couch, refusing to meet her eyes. I was exhausted, plain and simple.

"No..." I admitted. "You go do whatever it is you guys do when you're saving the city. Don't worry about me. I'll probably be asleep by the time you get back."

She looked at me hesitantly for a few moments, perhaps sensing the feelings that lay hidden beneath the surface of my bland and tired mask, but instead of saying anything further, she inclined her head and zipped towards the door, flying right through it and disappearing quicker than a shooting star.

The door whisked closed, and suddenly, I was alone, staring at the stars in a big, strange, empty tower and wondering deep down if I was making a mistake by agreeing to stay with the Teen Titans.