After supper, Adam and Brian went upstairs to get ready to go out. As per Brian's request, Guthrie and I did the dishes, and Ford, Daniel and Evan did his outside chores. Crane said he would do Adam's chores so he could get ready to go out.
After the dishes, Guthrie and I went through to the living room and sprawled on one of the couches each. Guthrie turned on the television, but there was nothing on. The two of us talked about whether we could persuade the others to play a board game with us.
The others were still outside when Adam and Brian came downstairs. Both were wearing a smart pair of jeans and a nice shirt- Adam's was white, Brian's green.
"You smell pretty!" Guthrie said to both of them from his place on the couch.
"Thanks buddy," Brian said, ruffling Guthrie's hair as he sat down next to him.
"Where's the others? Still outside?" Brian asked him.
"Uh huh."
"Well, we'll wait until they come in before we go," Adam said.
I took that opportunity to remind Adam that he had said he would call Olivia's mother.
"Oh. Yea," Adam said, without much enthusiasm.
"You said you would, Adam!" I said hotly, sitting up now on the couch.
Adam's eyes narrowed. He looked down at me, standing behind the couch I was sitting on. "Watch your tone, young lady, or not only will I not be callin' but you'll also be spendin' the evenin' in your room."
I definitely did not want that.
"I'm sorry. Really, I am," I said in a more appropriate tone, "Please could you call Olivia's mom and ask if she's ok?"
Adam shook his head, as though he were exasperated by me, but he motioned that I should follow him. "Come on then."
I followed him to cove where we kept the phone and hovered next to him while he made the call. I couldn't quite follow what was being said. Adam told Olivia's mom why he was calling and asked how both her and Olivia were doing after the shooting. Olivia's mom must have asked after me too, because Adam said, glancing at me, "She's doin' okay. Up and down. We tried to get her back into her routine as quickly as possible. Heidi's a tough kid." He winked at me when he said that bit. That made me smile, and it reassured me that he wasn't mad at me for smarting off to him moments before.
Mostly though, Adam listened throughout the conversation and gave responses like, "Hmm," and "I see." I really wished that I could properly hear both sides. The minute that Adam got off the phone, I badgered him to tell me everything that had been said but all he said was, "Olivia and Violet are doing alright, Heidi. They've been pretty shaken up since Saturday, but Violet said she's goin' to try and bring Olivia back to school tomorrow. They just took a couple of days out to process things. I think Olivia's goin' to need your support tomorrow at school by the sounds of it."
It made me feel really happy inside that I would get to see Olivia the next day. It was to be our last day of school before the Thanksgiving break, so if I didn't get to see her the next day, I wouldn't see her until the following week which felt like too long.
I spontaneously threw my arms around Adam's waist and looked up at him.
"I will. I'll help her out. Thank you for calling."
Adam hugged me back briefly and patted by back. By then, the rest of my brothers were coming in from outside, including Crane. Evan and Ford were arguing with each other good naturedly- something about a bet at school. Evan and Daniel wolf whistled at Adam and Brian's appearance and commented about their ability to get ladies. It made Brian laugh but Adam looked a bit disapproving.
As they were pulling on their jackets to go out, Adam turned back to the rest of us, who were now lounging in various positions on the couches and chairs.
"Remember, Crane's the boss. You're to mind him," he said to all of us. It was unnecessary as we didn't have to be reminded. That's the way our family worked: we generally took orders from the oldest available brother from Adam, Brian and Crane.
"You're actin' I've never been left with them before," Crane said, looking amused. "I've only been at college for one semester you know- I doubt the kids have forgotten the status quo."
Adam conceded a smile. "Just makin' sure," he said.
He was half way out the door when he turned back and said to us, "And it's regular bedtime. You've got school tomorrow."
To Crane he said, "Don't let them wheedle you into stayin' up later because it's your first night home."
His words were met with a bunch of groans from all of us and pleas for them to leave.
"Will you just go already!" Daniel said, and then Brian half hustled, half dragged Adam out the door in a comical fashion, telling him he was going to blow away his grey hairs that evening.
The moment they had gone, I turned to Crane and asked if I could go and bring Splotch inside until bedtime because I hadn't had an opportunity to spend much time with her that day.
Crane rolled his eyes, but he smiled at me at the same time.
"I see how it is. You think I'm a soft touch, don't you?"
"I hate to break it to ya, but you sorta are- that's why we miss you so much!" Daniel said from his place on the couch.
Crane threw a pillow in his direction which Daniel batted away, laughing.
"So, can I?" I said, hopefully.
Crane shook his head as though he were exasperated, but he said, "Okay, just for a couple of hours. She's going straight back out again when you go bed. Hear me?!"
I cheered and assured Crane I had no plans to take her back upstairs with me. I was done with that after getting into trouble with Adam and Brian the last time Guthrie and I had tried to sneak Splotch into our bedroom. I quickly went outside to collect her, apologising to Polly that I couldn't also bring her inside with me. I thought Crane would draw the line at a chicken in the house.
When I got back to the house, I was greeted with the sight of all 5 of my brothers crowded around the fish tank, which sat on a table in the corner of the living room. They were peering into it and arguing about something.
"What's going on?" I asked, walking towards the tank to see what the big fuss was about.
"One of the fish is dead. It's just floating there on the top," Daniel said.
"Oh… which one?"
"It's Flipper," Ford said. Flipper was Guthrie's fish- both Guthrie and Ford had won goldfish at the carnival a few weeks back, when we had also gotten Splotch.
"No, it's not! It's Jaws!" Guthrie said.
"It's definitely Flipper," Ford said, confidently.
"How can you even tell? They look the same," Evan asked Ford.
"I dunno. I just do. It's the way they… swim."
Crane raised an eyebrow. "They swim differently? How can goldfish swim differently?"
"You're crazy, little brother," Daniel said, laughing, but Ford looked at all of us stubbornly.
"I'm not crazy. I know the way my fish swims, and that fish, still swimming around in there is Jaws. He swims kinda like he's dancing. Look!"
My brothers, joined by me this time, with Splotch still in my arms, peered back into the tank.
"He doesn't look like he's dancing to me," I said, doubtfully.
Ford's chin set in stubbornness. He's quiet, but he can be just as determined as the rest of us when he gets a mind to it. "He is."
Crane crossed his arms. "Alright, well whoever's fish that is-"
"Jaws!"
"Flipper!"
Crane cleared his throat, "-whoever's fish that is, we should get it out of there."
"What we going to do with it?" I asked.
"Flush it down the toilet," Evan said.
Guthrie looked horrified. "You can't do that!" he said.
Evan laughed. "Why not? We do that every time a fish dies."
"It deserves a proper burial!"
All of us laughed.
"I mean it!" Guthrie said. His face was reddening, a sure sign that he was getting upset. Guthrie's pretty good natured and doesn't get het up a whole lot, so the sight of him like that was enough to sober everyone.
"Guth, it's just a fish. And it's dead anyway. It won't feel anything," Daniel said, pulling Guthrie close to him and patting his back.
"I don't care. We bury cows when they die, don't we?" Guthrie said.
"It's not the same thing."
"It is to me!"
I took Guthrie's side as always, and the argument about whether to bury or flush the fish continued back and forth between us, growing ever louder until Crane spoke all over of us.
"Enough!"
Crane hardly ever raises his voice. Him doing so silenced us and we all looked to him.
"We're burying the fish, and that's final," he said.
Evan, Daniel and Ford started muttering about how stupid it was to bury a fish.
Crane scooped the fish out the tank with his hand. It laying there, lifeless in Crane's palm made it look even more pitiful. I was glad we were burying it.
"Can I take it?" Guthrie asked.
Crane transferred the fish to Guthrie hands which were held together. He cradled the fish in his hands, looking down sadly at it.
"Go on outside, Guth, and find a spot for it. Heidi, go with him. The rest of us will be out in a minute."
I followed Guthrie outside, carting Splotch with me. Together, we found a spot under the tree in the front yard. I put Splotch down on the ground and then used my hands to scoop out a small mound of earth. Guthrie lay the fish in the hole and we were covering it back up again, when we saw the others come out the front door towards us.
"Found a spot?" Crane asked.
"Uh huh," Guthrie said.
I don't know what Crane had said to the rest of my brothers, but they were no longer complaining about burying the fish, or teasing Guthrie. When Guthrie said he wanted to say a prayer for the fish, Evan sniggered, but at Crane's sharp look, he disguised it as a cough.
"Why don't you lead us in a prayer, Guth," Crane said.
Guthrie bowed us head and delivered a prayer asking God to bless and look after the fish. The rest of us bowed our heads.
Afterwards, when we were all walking back into the house together, Daniel turned to Crane with a grin.
"Aren't you glad you came home early?"
/
We saw Adam and Brian the next morning at breakfast. Adam looked okay- tired but otherwise fine. Brian, on the other hand, looked worse for wear. His eyes were sort of bloodshot. He knocked back a couple of pills with his morning coffee. Daniel and Evan exchanged smirks when Brian said he that when we had all gone off to school, he might go back to bed for a couple of hours, especially when Adam told him there was too much work to do before Thanksgiving before he could do that.
"Are we still going to go and shoot the turkey?" Ford asked, looking worried.
"Sure. By the time you get home from school, I'll be fixed up sharp," Brian said.
Ford looked relieved. I could tell that he had been looking forward to his time alone with Brian and having the opportunity to provide the turkey for the family. It's a right of passage for my brothers when they turned 12 to have Adam or Brian take them out shooting. Neither Guthrie or I ever passed that threshold though when we got to that age. Guthrie didn't have the heart, and being a vegetarian, I had absolutely no inclination to shoot something dead. I think it bothered Brian a bit at the time, but he got over it.
After breakfast, the five of us headed out the door together, like we did every morning. I was second to last out the door, only marginally in front of Daniel. Either Adam or Brian normally saw us out the door in the morning giving us last minute reminders about homework and lunches, but this morning, it was Crane who stood at the door managing the last-minute chaos. Just as we were leaving, as I was halfway out the door, I heard Daniel say to Crane, "This afternoon then, Crane yea? When we get home from school?"
"We'll definitely talk some, Daniel, but I can't promise you what the outcome's gonna be."
"But you'll stick up for me?"
"I'll give my opinion, yea…"
And then Evan turned back and yelled something to Guthrie, so I missed the rest of the exchange between Daniel and Crane. I wanted to ask Daniel what he was talking about with Crane- the tone of their voices had sounded intense- but he had longer legs than me and he quickly strode ahead to catch up with Evan. When I glanced back at the house, Crane had gone back inside and there was no one there.
/
When we arrived at school, I told Guthrie wasn't going to join in the soccer game in the back play ground of the school because I wanted to look out for Olivia. I was excited to see her now that her mom had told Adam that she would be at school that day. It was almost time for the first morning bell signalling the start of first period, when I saw Violet's familiar black car drive up and park in the car park. I ran closer and waited eagerly, expecting to see the back door fling open and Olivia to hop out the car like she normally did. I shifted from one foot to the other nervously- I knew the bell was likely to ring soon and I didn't want to be late. If you're tardy you get a slip that goes home with you and needs to be signed by your parent; I didn't fancy presenting Adam with one of them. A few more minutes passed, and still, no Olivia. Then, I saw Violet get out from the driver's side, and open the back door. She was clearly talking to someone, and from her facial expression, I could tell she was distressed. I edged over slowly, curious to see what was going on. As I got ever closer, I could hear Violet say things like, "Come on, honey, I promise you'll feel better once you're there," and "If you get out the car, I'll buy you that new Barbie you want." She didn't even notice me when I went to stand closer to the car door. I still couldn't see inside though because of the position in which I was standing.
"Hi Violet."
Violet looked a bit startled but when she registered it was me, she gave me a big smile and said, "Oh hello sweetheart, how are you?"
"I'm fine thank you. How are you?"
"I'm doing alright too." She gave me a rueful smile and pointed to the back seat of the car. "This one on the other hand doesn't want to go into school today. Maybe you can help me convince her."
I moved so I could look inside. Olivia was sitting in the back seat along with her big sister Ella who was holding her hand. Tears were streaming down her face and she held some crumpled tissues in her hands.
"Hey Liv," I said softly.
Olivia smiled at me through her tears but didn't say anything.
"Olivia's scared to come into school after everything that happened last week," Violet said by way of explanation.
"I get it. I was scared too…"
"But once you were there it wasn't so bad, right, Heidi?" Violet said, addressing me, but looking at Olivia when she said them.
"Right."
At that moment, the bell signalling first period rang. I knew that technically, I should head inside, especially if I wanted to avoid the tardy slip, but I just couldn't leave Olivia out in the car so upset. So I stayed.
"Honestly, Livvy, it's fine once you get inside. The first day is the hardest, but after that, it gets easier. And the time goes past quickly."
"I don't want to," Olivia cried. I felt for her then. It was evident that she was really scared.
"I'll be there, and Heidi will too. We'll look out for you, won't we Heidi," Ella said.
I nodded.
But no matter what any of us said, we just couldn't get Olivia out the car. She point blank refused to move and when Violet made to force her by taking her arm, she started screaming and Violet quickly backed off. It was sort of shocking to me. I could tell she really was afraid, but out and out screaming when Violet took her arm was something I had never seen before. It made me think about what Adam or Brian would do if I did that, especially if we were out in public. I guessed I wouldn't like the outcome.
Eventually, after about 15 minutes of cajoling and Olivia getting ever more upset to the point she was hyperventilating, Violet told me that she was going to take Olivia home and that I should go into school. Ella asked if she could go home too, as it was the last day before Thanksgiving and Violet said she could. She looked sort of exhausted. As if the fight had gone out of her. I told Olivia goodbye and that I hoped I would see her next week. Violet gave me a hug as I was leaving.
"Thank you for trying to help sweetie," she said. "I'm glad you're doing okay. Before we go, I want to give you these."
She opened the passenger door in the front of the car and took a small brown bag from the front seat.
"It's the hair clips I bought for you guys. You forgot to take them when… well, you know…"
When I looked into the bag, the pretty clips were staring back at me. Looking at them was what kept me going the rest of the day.
/
I planned, after consulting with Guthrie, to tell Adam about the tardy slip the minute I got home from school. That way, it wouldn't be hanging over my head the entire Thanksgiving break.
"Adam won't be mad. It wasn't your fault," Guthrie said. The two of us were walking home from the bus on our own as Evan had youth rodeo and Ford and Daniel hadn't been waiting in the usual place. If they weren't there, the two of us just left without them.
But my plans were scuppered, because as we walked up to the house, we could hear shouting. Really loud shouting. It sounded like Daniel, punctuated by the more measured tones of Adam and Crane. We could clearly here things being said like "My choice," and "whole family decision."
Guthrie and I looked at each other as if silently asking one another what to do. Neither of us were stupid or ignorant to what this argument was about. We knew that this was over meeting Gary Sykes. The subject had been bubbling under the surface for weeks now.
Guthrie started to walk down the stairs. "I'm going to do my chores," he said, but I didn't follow him.
"You coming?"
"No, I'm gonna stay and listen."
Even though I had been punished for eavesdropping a couple of months earlier, I figured that this situation was different because my brothers were yelling which meant that I couldn't help but hear.
I didn't have to work hard to hear what was being said. Through tears, Daniel accused Adam of breaking his promise to him.
"You promised Adam! You promised that we'd talk about it when Crane came home and now, you're breaking that promise!"
"I know I did, but I shouldn't have. I have to do what's best for the family as a whole. Brian would just about kill Sykes and comin' face to face with him would just about kill Evan. Ford's already told me he doesn't want to meet him, and the twins are too little to make that decision. It's too much pressure on them." Adam's voice was loud, but he wasn't shouting really, not like Daniel was. He was only speaking loudly to be heard over Daniel's tears.
"But what about me? Don't I matter?" Daniel said.
"You know you do, Danil but-"
"What about if I took Daniel to see him on his own?" Crane said, interjecting.
"Brian and I don't think it's a good idea."
"Why not?" Daniel roared then, shouting louder than ever.
"You're young, Daniel, you don't know what kind of effect this is going to have on you-"
"Stop telling me I'm too young to know my own mind!"
Back and forth they went- with Crane in the middle trying to mediate between them. I listened in horror. Adam was letting Daniel get away with a lot- it was unheard of for him to allow such a sustained verbal assault. But even though I was young, I understood that this was because of the subject matter. The emotion that it brought up. I didn't remember, but I knew from hearing my brothers talk that both Daniel and Evan had gone through a period of extreme anger after our parents had died. Both had become quite violent, sometimes even at school. For Evan, it had been rodeo that had restored some calm to him, and for Daniel, it had been music. He'd started writing his own song lyrics despite his age.
I heard a crashing sound and then, "I hate you!" followed by the thud of heavy bootsteps and the sound of a door being smashed shut.
Then there was silence. I waited to hear something, but when I didn't, I crept softly over to the window and peered in. I saw Crane climb the stairs. I couldn't see to the top of the stairs, but I figured he was going to see Daniel. Adam was sitting on the couch holding his head in his hands.
/
I avoided the house until supper time. Guthrie and I went down to the creek, even though I think both of us would have preferred to be warm in the house. When we headed inside after hearing Brian's hollering, both of us felt a sense of trepidation. I had told Guthrie what I had heard, and he was just as aghast as me.
When we went into the house though, there was no sign of the earlier fray between Adam and Daniel apart from the fact that Daniel wasn't at the supper table. When Ford asked where he was, Crane said that Daniel had a bad headache and that he didn't feel well enough to eat.
Ford was in a buoyant mood because he had shot a turkey.
"You should have seen it, Adam, it was huge!" he said.
"And his shot was perfect too," Brian said.
Adam smiled at Ford. "Good job, buddy."
They started talking then about cleaning and skinning the turkey and when they would do it. Evan expressed interest in learning how to do it which I didn't understand. The thought of it turned my stomach. Even though my mom had been the one to teach my older brothers how to do this, I knew I would never be able. Not would I ever want to do something like that.
After supper, when it was just Adam and I doing the dishes, and the kitchen had emptied out some, I wanted to ask him about what I had heard earlier. But I didn't know how to do it without admitting I had been listening, so I kept quiet. Adam asked me how school was.
"It was alright I guess," I said.
"Was Olivia there today?"
"No… well, sort of. Violet brought her to school, but she was too scared to come inside even though I tried to tell her it would be okay. Violet took her home again."
"That's too bad," Adam said, handing me another dish to dry.
"Yea… Adam?"
"What?"
"When I was trying to help Olivia come into school this morning, the bell rang but Olivia was really upset and I didn't want to leave her and so I didn't and then I tried to tell her it would be okay, but she was still scared and-"
"Take a breath, Heidi."
I took a deep breath.
"What are you trying to tell me?"
"I got a tardy slip this morning because I was outside talking to Violet and Olivia when the bell for first period rang," I admitted.
"I see," said Adam. He paused dish washing, his hands still in the soapy water and looked directly at me.
"I'm sorry. She's my friend and I didn't want to leave her so upset."
"I understand," Adam said, still looking down at me.
I felt a weight that I didn't even know was there being lifted off my shoulders.
"You're not mad?" I said.
"I'm not mad. I know it's unlike you to be tardy for class with no good reason," Adam said.
That made me feel good inside. That he trusted me. And had a high regard of me.
"Thanks, Adam," I said, giving him a smile.
But Adam, being Adam, couldn't resist a warning. "Don't let it happen again though," he said.
"I promise I won't."
/
Apart from the night of the shooting, where I'd slept like a log, I'd been finding it difficult to stay asleep. It was like I was in hyper vigilant mode, waking up at the slightest sound. So when I heard a creak on the landing outside my room, I woke up instantly. I listened for another moment and heard the faint sound of footsteps on the stairs. I looked at the clock on my bedside table: 11.17pm. I told myself that it was probably one of my brothers going to the kitchen for a drink. But inside, I knew it wasn't that. I'm very intuitive- I've been that way my whole life. It's like I can sense that something's going to happen. I'm not psychic or anything- it's more of a feeling. It's hard to explain.
Because of that feeling, I felt like I needed to go and investigate what was going on. Careful to not wake Guthrie, I crept out of my room and down the stairs. It was silent and dark in the living room, so I headed through to the kitchen. Daniel was there. He was fully dressed, down to shoes and a coat. One of the kitchen drawers was open- the one where my brothers keep spare keys for things like the house and the cars. Daniel was rummaging through it, and then pulled out a set of keys.
"What you doing, Daniel?" I whispered.
Daniel looked up and froze at the sight of me.
"Nothing. Go back to bed, Heidi," he whispered back but his tone was aggressive. Accusatory.
"Why are you dressed? What's going on?"
"It's nothing for you to worry about. Get on back to bed. I mean it."
"Not until you tell me what you're doing up."
That seemed to make Daniel really mad. He walked right up to me.
"Go. Back. To. Bed."
"No!"
We stood there, just staring at each other for a moment.
"I'm going to wake up Adam."
Daniel grabbed my arm firmly, though it didn't hurt.
"No, don't!"
His face softened a bit.
"Look, I'll tell you okay. But you gotta promise you won't tell."
Even though I knew I shouldn't, knew that this was one of those times that the 'code' between the five of us younger kids that deigned that we didn't tattle on each other should be broken, I promised.
"I'm gonna go and see Gary Sykes."
"You can't, Daniel!"
"Why not?"
"Because Adam said you're not to! And it's late in the night! How you gonna get there?"
Daniel held up the keys in his hands.
I was, quite literally, speechless. I think I just stared at Daniel with my mouth dropped open like a fish.
Daniel let go of my arm and moved towards the back door. It made me snap out of my stunned state.
"Daniel, you can't do this! You're not old enough to drive!" I said, feeling desperate.
"Even Ford knows how to drive the jeep, Heidi," Daniel said.
It was true that living in the country, all of us got to do things that city kids wouldn't get to do. Brian had probably taught all the boys to drive in the land around our house, and I knew that he had taken Daniel to a vacant lot a few times to practice driving. But they were never, ever permitted to drive on real roads, with other drivers. Daniel knew that.
"It's against the law!" I spluttered.
"Keep your voice down! Who's gonna know? I'm gonna be out of here and back in a few hours."
"You don't know where he lives!"
"I do, Heidi."
I can honestly say, that at that moment, I may have been more scared of what was about to happen than I had been the previous weekend when the man had shot the waitress. I just couldn't quite believe what I was hearing.
"I'm going to wake Adam," I said, not bothering to whisper anymore and running towards the living room. But Daniel was too quick for me. He caught me and spun me around and crouched a bit so that he was eye level with me. He looked me right square in the eyes. And in his, I saw such pain that it almost took my breath away.
"Heidi. I really need this. And if you wake Adam, he'll stop me today, but I'll try again and again until I get to see Sykes. Just let me go. Okay?"
And against my better judgement, because I was young and foolish, because I loved Daniel and saw how badly he was hurting, because of the deeply entrenched feeling that we didn't tattle on each other, no matter what, I nodded.
Daniel gave me a half smile and then he was gone.