4…5 Months

It was sad how easily she fell into the old routine of living in the castle again. Living in the castle before she and Neal had left had been trying, this felt…this felt worse. Before she'd been numb. Unable to really feel anything because half of her hadn't just been missing but gone! Now she had her soul back again but the weight of the emotions that she felt because of it sometimes threatened to crush her whole.

She couldn't go home. That had been agreed upon the very first night that she returned but it hadn't been necessary. She knew she had to stay away. Their home, his castle, anything that had relied on his magic to keep it protected was no longer safe. And she supposed that she could find some place to rent a room from…but where could she stay that was safer than the castle at the moment? Rumple would need her safe, whether he knew it or not, and if he couldn't protect her himself then she had no choice be to stay with the royals…even if that meant staying without Neal.

She felt like the world turned upside-down in the week following her arrival. Regina took over for Snow White in a way that made her think she might have been a great Queen once if she hadn't channeled all her power into something so awful. She commanded guards and riders flawlessly, locking down the castle, making it as secure as possible before turning her attention to her sister. Of course Rumple's castle was the first place they suspected Zelena would be hiding out in, so naturally that was the first place that she sent them.

She watched them leave from the window in her room, watched as the horses pounded down the long road just as she once had until they disappeared into the thick forest, until she couldn't see them anymore and wished that she could be going with them; wished that she was anywhere but here.

No, she wasn't in the tower, she wasn't under arrest, or in trouble, but she felt as though she was. Her guilt was her cage, her memories her tormentor! She went to bed, fell into a shallow unrestful sleep, one haunted by nightmares that she woke up to night after night with no one to help sooth her back to sleep. When morning came she did what she could to avoid the others. She went to breakfast late, just before the staff put the food away, she sat through dinner with them as quietly as possible, keeping her head down and her eyes fixed on the food that held absolutely no flavor to her, and during the day she toiled. Kept herself as busy as possible.

She took another sewing machine from the room she'd gotten the first one from, surprised this time to find that it wasn't empty but bustling with half a dozen women, working on gowns and dresses. Still, none of them knew of the Queen's pregnancy, so she took it upon herself to measure Snow White out again, and become her own personal seamstress, adjusting bodices to allow a little give, the skirts to be a little fuller, and added emphasis and detail to sleeves to draw attention as far away from the small bump in her stomach. Lacey was content, she was…avoiding Regina, and she figured at the moment that was probably the best way to be. As far away from the Evil Queen as she could get, where she couldn't upset the delicate balance that had been created, and she suspected was being maintained by those around her.

Like Robin Hood.

He'd secured himself, his son, and his men permanently and officially inside the castle with them, trading the trees for the safer shelter it provided for Roland, and of course his merry men could be heard during the late hours of the night in the castle, drinking, singing bar songs, laughing with each other. But despite their actions at night, they were quite noble during the day, assisting the guards, watching after Roland, their "youngest merry man", and even offering kind words to her on the rare occasions she ventured out of her self-made prison and passed one in the hallway.

Robin Hood was good to talk to. The day after she'd gotten back, after she spent her first night in the castle, he ventured into her room simply to "check" on her when she didn't come down for dinner. She wanted to know, demanded to know everything that had happened in the castle since her departure and was saddened to hear that all in all, it had been fairly quiet.

Regina never found Zelena. David discovered they were gone, a couple of days after the party had ended but their small search turned up nothing. And, of course, Snow had discovered she was pregnant in that time, sent out the summons for royals across the land to join them for the announcement, much to Regina's displeasure…and that was it.

Quiet, peace, silence. She was right, Regina was right, Zelena was only striking now because of what she and Neal had done. Maybe if they'd just stayed, if they hadn't been so selfish, if she'd accepted his death, and encouraged Neal to move on…they would never have been happy. But what they'd done certainly hadn't left them happy either. What a mess!

As the first tears began to gather in her eyes and slide down her cheeks Robin Hood had sat forward, eagerly, and asked the question that she knew he'd been dying to ask, the real reason he'd come to "check" on her. He'd told her what had happened, now he wanted to know what had happened to her and to Neal.

She told him.

All of it.

From the night of the party, to their trek through the forests, to hiding out in strangers houses and villages, she told him of their arrival at the castle, told him about Lumiere, and the clearing, and the dagger…and Neal. His friend too. His lost merry man. He was comforting, placed his hand against hers as they talked, and finally sat there in silence with her, watching the fire as a fresh wave of tears fell when she realized what they were doing. Mourning. It was a terrible realization, a horrible thought that she wanted to fight off, and vowed to deny until she had proof, but it was too late. She'd always know, no matter how much time had passed, or where she was, or who she was with, somewhere in the back of her head, a part of her already counted and accepted Neal as lost forever, gone..dead.

It was a blow. An irreplaceable blow that left that guilty feeling in her stomach turn over and over until she thought she was going to be sick. Neal gone. They'd barely begun to discover what they were together, who they were together, and already she'd lost him just as Rumple had. It left an ache inside of her, one that Rumple couldn't fill or fix or even replace. Friend, big brother, son, how could anyone ever be to her what he was?! At the moment she felt like she had no one willing to try. She didn't want to interact with Regina. Snow and David had never gone out of their way to get to know her. And Robin…

Robin was comforting. He was here, holding her hand, staring at the fire, and pretending not to hear her cry out of respect, not coldness. But he wasn't Neal. He wasn't as comforting, or protective, or supportive as Neal had been. There was something missing to their relationship, a void. Their tie just wasn't as strong after months of knowing each other as it was after only days of knowing Neal. She'd freed Robin and saved him, but she just wasn't bound to him the same way she was her son. And unless she'd completely lost her powers of perception in the last few months, and she was willing to argue there were many who would happily have that debate with her, Robin knew it too.

Her solution, her plan to not think about it was to stop thinking all together. Day after day, night after night. Split a seam. Hem a skirt. Design a dress. Pin. Embroider. Needle. Thread. Hem. Fix. Cut. Trace. Draw. Split. Set. Sew. Toil.

Spin.

She stopped pushing her foot over the machines pedal at that thought, making the needle on the ancient machine stop right in the middle of the skirt she was working on. She let go of the fabric and dropped her head into her hands feeling exhausted, guilty, and absolutely broken. She didn't cry anymore, or maybe she just couldn't stop crying, she just didn't know anymore. Tears just seemed to leak out of her eyes at all hours, from the moment she woke screaming each night, to the moment she pressed her face into the pillow so she didn't have to wipe them away all night along.

She was doing what he always did, what used to drive her crazy because sometimes it seemed like he'd rather spin than talk to her or anyone, only now she could see why. Who was there that she could talk to now?! Who was ever going to understand? Not Robin. Neal was gone. Rumple was…

She pushed herself away from the table, letting the fabric rip and tear without her support as she wandered her room aimlessly, restless. How did he do it? How could he block every bad memory, all the guilt, all the bad decisions out just by spinning? He had hundreds of years worth of it, she had this one incident and she felt as though it was killing her! Spinning helped him forget, maybe that was the problem, she wasn't sure if she wanted to forget…if she deserved to forget.

The knock at the door made her jump and sniffle back the few tears she hadn't managed to catch the last time she wiped her eyes. The dresses. Snow was due to send more down to her that night. It was still early, but the sun was setting, she sat back at the machine, tried to hide the fact that her abrupt departure from the table had torn the dress she was supposed to be working on. Maybe she could fix that while she was at it.

"I'm here," she called at the next knock, or at least tried to. Her throat was raw from the days of near solitude she spent crying. So she stood again, forgetting the torn dress, wiped her eyes again, and trotted over to the door herself. "Here!" she stated opening it. "I'm here, I can take-"

It wasn't a delivery of dresses. It was bread. Bread in a basket, delivered by a girl in a red cape that she hadn't seen since the night of the party months ago.

Ruby looked her up and down for a second and she had to look away from her for a moment because she felt as though she was examining her, evaluating her state and she wasn't sure what she wanted the girl to see. Sadness. Failure. A woman barely hanging on by a thread, who had lied to her friends, and killed her son!

"Hey," Ruby finally whispered into the dark silent space between them.

"Hi," she breathed back. "I uh…" she hated the awkwardness between them, wanted nothing more for it to be gone, for her to be left alone to cry or leak or whatever the hell it was that she was doing nowadays. "I thought you were the person bringing me more dresses for Snow."

"No…but I did see the last two you did," she added quickly. "They were beautiful. I think it was the first time she got excited all week about…you know." She nodded. Yes, she knew. Snow White wasn't happy about keeping the pregnancy quiet, but she was glad that she'd done something that had cheered the woman up in her unhappiness. Maybe clothes were the only thing she could do right anymore. She never thought she'd see the day where she'd rather be Lacey, with her talents and ignorance and ability to outrun or drink away her pain, than herself.

"You, uh..." Ruby glanced around and behind her, down the hallway, and finally back to her, offering a weak almost unsure smile. "Are you going to leave me standing out here all night or can I come in?" she finally asked, managing to morph her smile into a friendly and familiar one that she recognized, but made her heart hurt. Maybe that was why Rumple had always needed a mask, how else could he manage a smile, even a sinister one?

She honestly didn't know if she wanted Ruby to come in or not, but nevertheless she felt her body automatically move away and open the door for her to come in and close it after her. "You, uh, you weren't at dinner," Ruby stuttered coming in and taking off her red cloak. It must not have been a full moon. She hadn't even thought to think about that for months. "I thought you might be hungry and brought you some bread." She sat at the edge of her bed as Ruby fluttered nervously around the room, setting the basket down and grabbing the loaf of bread from it.

"I uh, I wasn't hungry," she managed to muttered as her stomach let out a betraying growl. Yes, she'd been hungry, but she honestly wasn't sure she could have handled another dinner with the Evil Queen and other royals laughing and smiling and pretending to simply enjoy good company while they kept her horrible mistake quiet. Starving had seemed the preferable of her options.

"Well it sounds like you are now," Ruby stated, tearing off a chunk of bread and offering it to her with an insistent look. Whether she was hungry or not Ruby wasn't going to not let her take it.

"Thank you," she mumbled, taking the bread and ripping a piece off, partly because she was hungry, but also because she needed an excuse to wipe her eyes again.

"So…" Ruby sat down in the chair by the corner and picked at her own hunk of bread. "Granny and I are moving back in," she admitted finally, with a small smile. "With everything that's happened, it's just…it feels right to be back you know."

She nodded. Everything that had happened. Did she mean everything she and Neal had done? Maybe. She didn't ask, Ruby didn't read her mind, or confirm or deny her thoughts. They just sat there watching her, as if waiting for her to say something but she couldn't think of a single word to offer her just as they had since she'd lost Rumple months ago and they'd all ended up back here. There was a time she wouldn't have had that problem, a time when she would have been happy to break the silence between them and talk but now, after everything that had happened, after what she and Neal had done, after Ruby had stopped by to make sure they'd still been there for the Charmings, even before that with Ruby focusing on Ashley and the baby…she felt like it had been months since she'd seen her friend, talked to her. And she really just didn't know where to go from here, if she was ready to move on and pick up where they'd left off.

And the awkward fumbling Ruby did, the way she shifted in her seat, the way her smile suddenly vanished and she glanced down at her bread and pinched and picked, played but never ate, told her Ruby knew it too.

"So I talked to Snow," she finally whispered on a sigh, "and to Robin Hood. He told me what happened with you and Neal, in the forest and at the Dark Ones castle and I thought that maybe you might want to talk, like we used to…you know...before."

Talk like they used to before.

Was there a time before all this? It was only months ago but it seemed like a dream, certainly too happy for the life she led now for it to be a reality! For a man to promise he wanted a future. For a woman to confess she wanted a different last name. For a lunch and a conversation at a diner that left her reeling! None of it seemed real anymore! Had she ever had friends? Had she ever had a library? Had she ever been that happy? Or was it all simply a delusion she'd dreamed up…maybe she was crazy. Maybe she belonged in that asylum…

"You know…" Ruby went on into the silence. "I wanted to come talk to you for a long time, especially after we got back, I'm sorry that it took me this long, but…" suddenly Ruby let out a loud irritated sigh as she threw her hands into the air with frustration. "Does the world ever stop spinning?! Can't it just be slow for once and give us a chance to have the conversations we need to have?!" she yelled into the air. "And then with us... There are a lot of excuses I suppose I could use. We were busy. I had Ashley and Alexandria. You had Ariel. And then when we got back here I looked up to come talk to you and…I'd been replaced! By Neal! I never saw that coming!" she said with a small laugh.

No.

She wasn't the one who was laughing. There was a small strange noise coming out of her own mouth. She'd laughed. Snorted, might have been a more appropriate word, but it was there, because she understood. Ruby was jealous on some level. She hadn't seen it before now. "I've got her" Neal had made that quiet vow to Archie and her but no one else, and she hadn't seen that in watching over her he'd also removed her from the lives of others. She'd run into the forest when they got back. Ruby had called after her. Neal had been the one to insist on going after her. He hadn't meant anything bad by it, it was just in his nature, stubborn and responsible as his father was and it was…it was funny. A happy flawed memory.

"He could be a little overwhelming sometimes," she smiled at her friend, but no sooner had she said the words and she felt that iron grip of guilt squeeze her chest. She'd done it again. "Can…he can be overwhelming sometimes," she corrected, her smile vanishing as she moved to wipe her leaky eyes again.

"Have you ever befriended someone who wasn't?" Ruby asked sarcastically, lifting the sudden tension she'd put back into the room. It was a simple line, a poor joke she supposed, but it worked, and she found herself smiling again at that. She did seem to attract overwhelming personalities…or was it simply that she was too underwhelming?

"Belle," Ruby said in the midst of it, her voice going straight and serious again as she looked her over. "I am sorry, that I didn't understand; that it took me so long to see…but I do now, I get it. He loved you.

"You told me that once, that he would die before he ever hurt you and I didn't believe it. I didn't think it was possible for anyone that evil to ever be that selfless, but…" She felt her body curl into a defensive ball at the words because it all seemed like so long ago, and they brought back so many terrible memories that she'd much rather keep them buried, but still she stayed silent, because somewhere deep down she had enough of herself left to know that she needed to hear it. "Granny told me what happened, what I missed, that day before the town line. She told me about Henry and Pan, Mr. Gold and what he said to you…and to Neal. I know that saying 'I'm sorry' right now wouldn't be enough, but for what it is worth I am.

"Rumpelstiltskin's ethics might be questionable, but where you're concerned…I think it's pretty clear how he felt…how he feels about you. He loves you. And I'm sorry I didn't believe that before."

This time there was no mistaking or denying it. Her eyes weren't leaking, those were tears. Tears so deep and meaningful she couldn't even begin to describe all that went into them. Sadness. Guilt. Regret. Happiness. "How he feels" Ruby had said, present tense. He was alive. It didn't undo what had been done but it was a big enough shock to her heart that she felt something stir that she hadn't felt for a while between her and Ruby. A bond she didn't even know had been broken, or at least frayed until now. It could be repaired, she knew it could, but not by silence, not by sitting in the corner and spinning or sewing until she forgot.

"It was terrible," she whispered, slurred really as her voice shot up what felt like two octaves and tears invaded her ability to speak clearly. She didn't bother to wipe those ones away. "It was the worst pain I've ever felt before in my life. And walking around with it all day long, week after week, all these months…it was just so…unbearable! I just needed someone to say that it was unbearable, to tell me that was normal and not try to make it look better or degrade it by saying I needed to move on. I just needed someone to understand why I needed to fix it, to try and fix it!

"Neal did. He wanted his son back above all, but he seemed to understand. And now…now the hole in my heart is gone…but I feel like I've lost...both of them…the two most important people...in my life…and I...I might have lost them both…and it's all my fault!"

No, there was no question about it now, she was crying. Hysterically. She felt herself dissolve into tears, her body crumpled, the bread dropped to the floor, and the bitter tears that she felt she'd been carrying around with her for the last three weeks, ever since she'd lost Bae in the woods suddenly streamed down her cheeks. It was so much worse than the failure she'd felt when she and Ariel had been tied up in the back of the shop, worse than when she'd gone to explore Storybrooke on her own, worse than getting caught by Regina the first time, maybe even worse than failing to rescue Anna. It was guilt she didn't think she could live with.

There was noise in the room. Noises that weren't her pitiful tears. The groan of someone moving out of a chair, the squeak of someone sitting on a mattress, the rustle of fabric as arms closed around her small balled form and pulled her closer. A hug. It was called a hug. She'd nearly forgotten what they felt like and reached out to grasp for it because she'd been desperate for one without ever really knowing it. Other than a one armed side-hug, more of a shoulder squeeze in the most necessary of times, like that night by the fire pit, Neal had never really hugged her. No one had hugged her since she'd met Robin Hood again, but even then this was different. It was like the hug she'd gotten out of comfort, genuine love, and concern from Rumple the night before he'd die, as they'd sat on their bed while he assured her that he would be safe, that Pan would harm his family over his dead body. They'd been safe. He hadn't. He wasn't now. Neither of them were while she was alive and free and whole. She could only conclude that she was the one to blame.

It all came out. Everything. She clung to Ruby as she hadn't for months, let the girl rock her back and forth and hush her as if she was a small child, hold her tighter and tighter. She let it all pour out, until her chest heaved and burned for oxygen and for the first time all week her eyes stopped watering. Shze didn't know just how much she needed to truly cry until it was over.

"It's not all your fault," Ruby insisted when she got quiet, still coddling her. "Just because you survive something horrific doesn't mean that you're responsible. We all make mistakes, we all do things that we shouldn't. Neal should have listened to you that night. David and Snow should have seen what you were going through. I should have seen how desperate you both were and offered to help. And Regina…sometimes I'm still not convinced there's any hope for her."

She laughed. Laughed! In the middle of her tragic breakdown, her pathetic breakdown really, Ruby had actually succeeded in making her laugh. She would never have thought that was possible.

"And her sister…Zelena, don't even get me started on the responsibility that she has in all of this…but the point is it's not all your fault. We all share the blame for what happened to Neal. But it's not our mistakes that matter in the end, it's what we learn from it. If we all come out a little wiser on the other end, then…maybe…painful as it is…they might be worth it."

Worth it. Worth it?! No, she couldn't ever imagine what had happened to Neal would ever be worth something, undone by some simple grain of knowledge. But…that didn't mean that it had to be completely in vain either. If it was she suspected she'd hate that even more. But what was it. What was she supposed to take away from this mess that would help her live with the consequences of what she'd done? How was she supposed to live…

Live with it. She couldn't live with it…at least not alone.

She couldn't solve anything alone, couldn't fix what had happened. That was why she'd come back here wasn't it?! Maybe that was the lesson to be learned. Guilty or not she wasn't helping anyone locking herself in this little room. Innocent or not avoiding the others wasn't getting anything done. She couldn't live with it alone. But she was living with it, right now, she was living with it. Ruby helped. Made her feel unburdened, or maybe just less burdened, but better than when she'd first knocked on her door.

She needed friends. Friends she hadn't had, friends she hadn't expected to have, and friends she'd never wanted to have. She needed them because it might be the only way to undo the past, or at the very least help to clean up the mess that she'd made.

"We all dug this hole together," Ruby whispered into the dead space then, as if able to read her mind again, sense her just as she used to before all this started. "It's going to take all of us to get out of it alive. It's just going to take some time and we all need to understand that."

Another lesson: She needed friends, at the very least to help clean up the mess that they'd made.

Ah, the return of good ole Ruby. I think I warned ya'll that this was coming, in a way at least. I told you way back when that one of the only bad things about the Belle Neal relationship was that they isolated themselves and that meant that Ruby and Robin Hood and all these other friends would get pushed to the side. This chapter represents the undoing of all that. Belle makes friends again with Ruby and with Robin Hood and no it's not all that she's going to need but it's certainly a start. It's going to be a while for the others though. they will work together of course but the question will be are they really working together or are they all just working at the same time? Got to destroy relationships before I build them up again! The joys of being me!

Thank you to Meredith Pechta, Kathryn Claire O'Connor, Kagi-chan2, Deweymay, Raizen Yusuke, and Skitzoeinhoven for your review on the last chapter. I'm glad that my thoughts about the timeline make sense to everyone and we're all good so far! Yay! Peace and Happy Reading!