Disclaimer- I own NOTHING!

Summary- Special #4: Riza Hawkeye

…

I have dedicated my entire life to Roy Mustang. Ever since I was a child my life has belonged to him. The day he knocked on my front door looking to study alchemy I was just a little girl, only ten years old. Immediately I could tell that he was different from my father's past students, but I had no idea the kind of effect he would have on me.

It took a long time, almost a full year, before I really gave him a chance. Not for the lack of trying on his part too. I mostly ignored him, even at meal times. I figured that even though he was different in that he actually tried to talk to me, he would still not last very long. None of my father's students lasted more than a few months, so it was really surprising when he made it to almost a year without either burning out and giving up or angering my father to the point that he expelled him.

After that I was curious. I wanted to know what made him so special that my father kept him around so long. I started watching him, paying attention to everything he did. The more I saw the more I wanted to know.

It was another three months before I started talking to him. Really it was he who came to me. I was making dinner one night after finishing my chores and he had finished his lessons. I was still undecided as to what I wanted from him, but that night he came into the kitchen. As soon as he saw me he started to walk out, but then he stopped. He turned around and cleared his throat.

I looked at him, before I would have just ignored him and kept going with my work. I could tell that my attention startled him a bit. He stuttered a bit when he tried to speak. I asked him what he wanted, not rudely but I did want him to get to the point. He asked me what he had done to make me hate him so much. I just looked at him for a minute and told him that I didn't hate him. That was one of the only times I have ever seen him speechless. After a few minutes he finally said 'oh okay' and left the kitchen.

That night at dinner we had our first real conversation. It was awkward at first, but after a while everything just kind of clicked. He told me all about his foster mother and his 'sisters.' He also told me that he wanted to become an alchemist so he could help people. I told him about my life. I told him about the other students and how they all either ignored me completely or treated me like a servant. He was the first person I ever really opened up to.

In time I was able to tell him about my mother and how she died. I told him of the loneliness I felt living in that big house with no one but my father, who was so focused on his research that I sometimes believed he forgot he even had a daughter. I told him everything, except the one big secret. Of course he eventually found out about that too. He became my best, and only, friend.

Those years that he studied under my father were some of the happiest of my life. I was no longer alone. I had someone I could talk to, someone who cared about me. That first year after we became friends was the first year that I actually celebrated my birthday since my mother's death. He even bought me a gift. I think it was around then that I fell in love with him.

I was devastated when he left to join the military academy. Father was so angry he told him to never come back. We exchanged letters but it wasn't the same. I was alone again, and now my father was sick. The letters always managed to cheer me up a little though. There were times when they were the only thing getting me through the day. I became depressed and started eating less. Between taking care of my father and finishing my studies there was little time to take care of the house, or myself. There was just too much to worry about.

I must have written a thousand letters to him, begging him to come back or to take me away, but I never sent any. I knew in my heart that he would have too. If I had asked he would have come for me and our lives would have been completely different. I never could bring myself to do it. Maybe part of it was pride, I had rarely ever needed anyone, even my father, and I think I was also afraid.

I was afraid of what would happen once he came for me and we ran away together. I didn't want to just be an alchemist's wife. My mother had been miserable in the last few years before she died. She would always yell and scream at my father, to come away from his research, or that he needed to make more money, or any number of other things that angered her. It seemed like she was never happy. I knew that Roy was different from my father, but I still couldn't shake the fear that we would end up like my parents. So I never sent those letters.

He never told me that he was coming, so imagine my shock when one day I answer a knock at the door and there he is dressed in full military blues asking to see my father. I didn't say anything, just moved to the side so he could get past me. Quietly I told him that my father was in his room. He walked up the stairs without saying a word. I moved to the bottom of the stairs and waited.

The next thing I knew Roy was yelling for help and I flew up the stairs as fast as I could. I didn't know what to think. There was Roy Mustang, the man I had been wanting to take me away from my life, holding my dying father in his arms. I ran to the phone and called for the doctor, then went to the porch to wait for him.

When the doctor arrived I showed him to my father's room and went to the sitting room to wait. I just couldn't handle it. My mother's death had left me traumatized and I deal with another death. That may seem funny considering how much blood is on my hands now, but at the time I was still just a naïve little girl.

After a few minutes with the doctor Roy came and joined me the sitting room. We sat in silence for a long time. Finally the doctor came down and officially pronounced my father dead. I only nodded and he went to take my father's body away.

After that Roy took over everything. He arranged and paid for the funeral, though we were the only ones in attendance. The whole thing just blurs together in my mind. I was so numb, it was only after talking with Roy over my father's grave that I started to feel again. I wanted to help him in any way I could. I knew that the first thing I could do was to give him my father's research.

When I showed him my back it took him a moment to fully realize what it was. After that was shock and then disgust. He didn't want it, I begged him to take it. If he didn't then all of the pain I went though would be for nothing. I was so sure that I was doing the right thing by giving it to him. Now I wonder what our lives would have been like if I'd just kept my father's notes to myself.

Not surprisingly it only took him about a week to decipher everything. Then it was another two for him for perfect it enough that he felt comfortable applying to take the State Alchemy Exam. He got special permission from his commanders to take the extra time off. I have no idea what exactly he told them, but from what I could tell they didn't ask very many questions. He stayed with me another week before he had to go.

During the time he spent working on my father's notes things were very awkward between us. I could tell that he was uncomfortable seeing my back like that every day. At first he just wanted to copy it down onto paper, but I convinced him not to. My father put it on me for a reason, he would not approve of Roy making a paper copy. To ease some of the tension he would talk to me.

He told me more about his dream for the future of our country. It was during this time that I decided to follow him and join the military. I had nothing left for me in that little village we had grown up in, and part of me always knew that my future would be connected to him somehow. Admittedly this was not how I originally thought things would happen, but it didn't matter. All I knew was that I wanted to see his dream come true, even if I had to sacrifice my future to do it.

So after he left I went to East City to apply to the military academy there. I didn't want Roy to know just yet, I knew he would try to stop me if I told him. I knew that he was heading to Central to take the Exam, so East City was a pretty safe place to avoid him and it was the nearest major city I could get to.

After I enrolled I moved into the cadet housing. Luckily for me there were only four other women attending, so we each got our own room. Life was completely different after that. Upon starting my lessons it was discovered that I am a natural marksman. I had never held a gun before so it was a bit of a shock. But I reveled in my newfound abilities. I knew that it would help me work towards Roy's goal. I had no desire for power, but the higher my rank the better I could help him.

Everything I was doing always came back to him. Every decision I made, from where I went to whom I spoke to was all with him in mind. If I could not see a way that a situation could help me help him then I avoided it. The entire time I was at the military academy the only thing I did for myself was make friends with Rebecca, and even then I knew that eventually she would be able to help him too.

I told her about him. I made sure to never use his name and left as many details as vague as possible. I could not risk being connected to him at that point. I did tell her about our childhood together, and his dream for our country. I think she figured out that I was in love with him, she was always better at reading me than I cared for. I got her to support him before she ever knew his name. I kind of felt bad about that, almost like I was deceiving her, but if it would help Roy than I would do it.

I didn't keep in contact with Roy while I was at the academy. I couldn't rick him finding me out yet. I was able to keep tabs on him through the papers. Every morning I would read the paper looking for any mention of him. When the weekend papers came from the other regions I would do the same. I lived for those articles with his name in them. Every time I saw him name it would reassure me that I was doing the right thing.

During my third year at the academy the Ishvalan War was in full rage. They needed more people on the front line. They ended up getting so desperate for soldiers that they took the most skilled and promising cadets and graduated them early. I was one of them. Due to my abilities with a gun they rushed me through my sniper training and then threw me out into the field. I hated myself for the things I was doing, for all the lives I took. I couldn't understand why any of it was happening.

I hated myself, but I never hated him. Even in the midst of my despair I knew that this was not at all what he would have wanted. In fact this was what he was wanting to stop. If anything my time in that bloody desert only served to strengthen my resolve. I would help Roy put a stop to all the senseless bloodshed, all the unnecessary wars. I knew that wherever he was he hated the fighting just as much as I did.

The executive order came sending all State Alchemists to the front lines. When I heard my heart broke, knowing that meant Roy was being sent in too. With the kind of alchemy he used there was no way the higher-ups would send him anywhere else. He was coming to the front lines and he too would be forced to slaughter every Ishvalan he came in contact with, worse yet, he would be using my father's alchemy to do it. But still, I did not regret giving it to him, only what it meant for him. I felt responsible for those lives he took, and for the damage it did to his soul.

After the order came it was found out that out squadron was being assigned an alchemist. I prayed to whatever god might listen that it wouldn't be Roy. I didn't want him to see what I had become. It was my choice to follow him into the military, but I knew he would blame himself. As it turns out, no gods were listening to me, about a week later Roy appeared in our camp.

I managed to keep myself hidden from him for a while, almost a whole month after he arrived. I would have been able to go on longer if not for the insurgent who attacked him and Hughes. Even then I could have remained anonymous, but Hughes insisted on thanking me in person for saving them, and he dragged Roy along with him.

I asked him if he remembered me, though I knew he did. I could see it in his eyes when he looked at me. It was just as I predicted. He blamed himself for my being there. They sat down by my little fire and Hughes filled the air with his talking. From the way they interacted I could tell they were friends. Part of me was jealous of him, the way he could talk and laugh with Roy, like it was nothing. Like we used to be able to.

I wanted nothing more than to run into Roy's arms and have him hold me tight. He would run his fingers through my hair, short as it was, and whisper to me that everything would be alright. But there was no way I could do that now with both of our hands soak in the blood of all of our victims. It was then, looking into his haunted eyes that I decided that there could never be another Flame Alchemist. I could not let anyone else have that kind of power.

After that night it was a few days before I saw him again. I was on watch and he must have followed me to my hiding spot. He didn't say anything as I look through my scope to scan the desert looking for any sign of the enemy. He just sat there silent. It was both comforting and nerve wracking having him there. When the sun began to set, marking the end of my watch, he stood up and left without a word.

He did that every day I had watch when he wasn't in the field. He would just come up and sit with me, almost like he was watching over me, never once saying a word. I could tell the days that he had been in the field. He was more fidgety. I knew that taking all those innocent lives was weighing down on him, it was weighing down on me too. This went on the rest of the time we were in Ishval. We would speak to each other when we were off duty. We rarely laughed but for the most part we were able to renew our friendship, and having Hughes around helped things from getting to awkward. But when we were in our nest, by the end I think it could safely be called ours, we never once said a word.

By the end of the war I truly hated myself. The things I had done were unforgivable and my hands were forever stained red. On the last day I found an Ishvalan child, dead in the street. No one had even bothered with him. There was a bullet hole in his forehead, there was no doubt what killed him. He wasn't one who I had killed but it felt like I had. I had killed so many innocent men, woman, and children that when I saw him I broke. The weight of it all came crashing down on me and without even thinking I started digging.

Roy found me as I was almost done. He asked me if it had been a fallen comrade, when I told him about the child he lost all words. It was then that I begged him to destroy the tattoo on my back. It was the only way I could guarantee that there would never be another flame alchemist. I didn't hate Roy for what he had done, but rather the alchemy he used to do it. I hated my father for creating it and for burdening me with it. Every life Roy had taken was my fault.

He was the only one who could do it. It had to be him, for many reasons. First that I couldn't trust anyone else to do it. But also it would be my punishment for all the lives that were lost because of me. To be burned and scarred by the same alchemy, to feel what all those people felt before they died, would become my penance.

I knew that it would hurt him to do it, but by that point I was angry. I was angry at the military for making us do these things. I was angry at myself for doing it. And part of me was angry at him for using the alchemy I had given him. This would be his punishment too. I would force him to use the alchemy on me and he would have to watch as someone he loved burned. Had I been thinking more clearly I would have found another way, but I was blinded by my anger and hate, and by the child I had just buried.

When we arrived in central he took me to his house, careful to make sure no one saw me enter. He said that he couldn't do it alone, he needed help holding me in place, and treating my wounds when he was done. Reluctantly I agreed and he called two friends. The first was Hughes, by then he was both of our friend and we knew we could trust him to keep it secret. The second was Dr. Knox. Roy had worked with him in Ishval, he knew how to treat burn wounds and Roy trusted him.

We waited to tell them until both were there. When it came time to tell them I left the room. I couldn't deal with the looks I knew I would get as the truth came out. Instead I went to the kitchen and cleaned. It was a habit from my childhood and the familiarity of it helped keep me calm. After a while I heard yelling, I wasn't surprised, and waited knowing Roy would handle it. I don't know what he said, but somehow he convinced them to help and they set right to work. Knox left to get the supplies he would need, while Hughes, Roy, and I worked on cleaning the bedroom. It had to be as sterile as we could get it, since I couldn't go to the hospital, we needed to reduce the risk of infection as much as possible.

When Knox came back he had everything he could find, including a kind of tarp for us to lay on the bed, which we then covered with a sheet. The idea was to try to contain any mess that might be made. Once everything was ready the men left the room so I could undress. I removed everything but my underwear and crawled into the bed face down. I covered my lower half with a sheet and called the men back in.

I don't remember much after that, mostly just the pain. I was in and out of it for a week, unable to move and the only food I could keep down was chicken broth. I do remember though that every time I woke up Roy was there. He would always be by my side taking care of me. Sometimes Hughes or Knox would be there too, but Roy was the only constant. It took a month for me to be able to fully take care of myself again. Luckily during that time I didn't have any new orders yet, so I didn't have to worry about reporting in.

Two weeks after moving into the military housing I got the order to report to Mustang. He had been promoted to colonel and wanted me on his new team he was forming. There was never any doubt in my mind that I wanted to stay with him. I said yes without really even thinking about it. That day I promised to follow him where ever he leads, even into hell. Since then I did just that I followed him. When the time came I followed him into hell and we fought our way back out, together.