Notes: If you want a better perspective on the mood of this chapter, here's a link to the song that inspired it: www dot youtube dot com / watch?v=a-j86tzxi8s
All your acting
Your thin disguise
All your perfectly delivered lies
They don't fool me
You've been lonely too long
Let me in the wall you've built around
We can light a match and burn it down
Let me hold your hand and dance 'round and 'round the flames
In front of us
Dust to dust
You've held your head up
You've fought the fight
You bear the scars
You've done your time
Listen to me
You've been lonely too long
-Dust to Dust by The Civil Wars
Courage is a funny thing. You never really know if you have it until that one defining moment. Sometimes courage finds us, and other times we find it. I've faced down creatures twice my size and walked away with their heads. I've made a lifestyle out of facing the unknown. Maybe that's courage, maybe it's just survival.
Either way, I've faced down much worse than a single conversation. Which makes my current state of mind all the more frustrating.
I continue to pace the small room, occasionally growling for good measure.
This is fucking ridiculous! Just go talk to him!
Afraid of the big, bad wolf?
Not helping.
I've spent an entire day procrastinating the dreaded talk, justifying it to myself the whole way.
Oh, but I'm needed at the clinic!
There were three patients, one of the other healers was dozing on a cot, and I spent the entire time folding linens.
Ridiculous!
I don't even know what I'm so afraid of. A small corner of my mind cries out that maybe he thinks less of me now. Maybe he won't look at me the same way anymore. Logically, I realize how stupid that is. And yet…
I growl again and grab my pillow, hurling it at the wall. It hits with a really dissatisfying paff and drops to the floor. I huff and throw myself face down on the bed.
It's the middle of the fucking night. He's not even going to be awake.
Sleep is entirely out of the question for me, though. I can tell it would be a bad night if I did. Nightmares prowl the edges of my waking mind, ready to pounce at the first sign of weakness. Too many sleepless nights make the bed feel dangerously inviting, though, and I sit up abruptly.
Best not to tempt fate.
I scoot back and press myself against the rough wall, pulling the blanket into my lap to fidget with a ragged corner.
Moonlight trickling through cracks in the walls is the only source of illumination, throwing objects into sharp relief wherever it hits. The shear lack of any noise save my own breathing makes my ears buzz. And though darkness typically doesn't bother me, tonight it feels oppressive.
Sitting here in this sparsely furnished room, I feel a pang of loneliness shoot through my chest. It takes me by surprise. I usually make sure I'm too busy to feel such things. Being alone is just part of who I am and I don't see much use in dwelling over it.
But tonight feels different. I'm raw, fraying at the edges with nothing… no one to hold me together. I feel untethered, unhinged, adrift…
Cold.
I scramble off of the bed, suddenly desperate for any interaction, good or bad. I haphazardly throw on a pair of pants, but don't bother with shoes, and fling myself through the door.
I walk as fast as I can without running to his room, but come to a halt just outside as trepidation rolls through me once more. My hand is poised to knock, frozen midair, the palm suddenly clammy.
I don't know what I'll do if he looks at me differently.
My slightly shaking hand falls to the knob instead and it twists easily. He only locked it for me…?
Or maybe he'd hoped I would come.
It's a surprisingly optimistic thought, considering.
The door creaks on old hinges as it swings open. I hover on the threshold for a moment longer before stepping in quickly and shutting the door gently behind me.
Solas is a tangled mess on the bed, the blankets wrapped around his legs. It's strange. Usually he's such a peaceful sleeper. I take a few steps closer and see his eyelids flutter then pop open, stopping me in my tracks like a burglar caught mid-robbery.
He blinks sleepily a few times before my presence registers and he bolts upright.
"Rhynn," he breathes, voice husky from sleep.
"Hey," I say lamely in return.
"What are you doing here?" He looks like he can't quite believe I'm really in the room.
"I… uh…" I clear my throat. "I came to talk."
His face scrunches in confusion and a part of my brain notes how adorable that makes him look. "Now?"
I cringe a little and take a step back. "I'm sorry. I know, it's the middle of the night. I'll just… I'll just go."
He flies off of the bed, nearly tripping on the blankets still coiled around his legs like snakes. "No!" His voice sounds slightly panicked and it tugs at something in my chest. I don't move any further away. When he sees this, he seems to calm somewhat and reaches down to untangle himself. "Forgive me, I phrased that poorly. I do not believe I am fully awake yet."
"No need to apologize," I say in a small voice. "I'm the one who barged into your room while you were sleeping."
He flinches slightly at something I said but recovers quickly, beckoning me further in. "Please, make yourself comfortable," he says, lighting a candle with a flick of his fingers.
Not sure that's possible right now, Fen…
Nevertheless, I walk over to the chair in the corner and sit. Then stand back up a second later and go back to pacing.
"I don't know where to start," I admit, rubbing my forearm briskly. I scoff at myself, "Hell, I don't even know what I want to say, really. I just know that I owe you some sort of explanation for the past week." I still, turning to look at his calm features. "It seems I'm always doing something that warrants an apology to you," I say sadly.
Solas' face softens and he steps closer. "You do not owe me anything, lethallan. You needed time to grieve."
I let my eyes fall away. "It… wasn't just that." Solas says nothing, but I can tell he's listening. "I'm… I…" I groan and rub a hand over my face, "I was wrong."
He tilts his head in curiosity, so I try to find the words to explain. "What I did was wrong," I finally confess.
"Are you suggesting it was undeserved?" he asks, voice level. I can't tell what he's thinking and it makes my stomach churn.
My eyebrows snap together at his question, though. "Don't misunderstand me. That man deserved all of it and more," I spit. "But… I shouldn't have done it."
"You were more than justified in your anger," he tries to reassure, but it just makes me pace again.
"That's not the point! Who was I to decide that man's fate? Who am I to decide anyone's?! Judge, jury, and executioner, all rolled up into one!" I fume, throwing my hands in the air.
"Or perhaps you were exactly the person for such a task," Solas counters, face unreadable once more.
I glare in his direction. "Quit playing devil's advocate! What I did wasn't justice by any means! I slowly tortured a person to death! That's revenge!" I deflate then, anger spent, and sink back into the chair. "I never wanted to be this…" I lament softly.
"And what do you see yourself as?" he asks.
"A killer," I answer truthfully, "masquerading as a healer."
Solas comes to kneel before me and lays a hand over mine. "I have seen the way you care for your patients. There is no pretense. You are a healer," he insists, eyes capturing my own. "It is in your spirit."
To my chagrin, tears begin to prick at my eyes. "I want to believe you, but I feel as if I've done nothing but kill or get people killed since this all began."
Solas thinks for a moment before speaking. "Since the moment you arrived, you have sought to better the lives of the people around you. And you have succeeded." He gives me a small quirk of his lips. "Despite efforts to alienate them with your sharp tongue, they adore you for all you have done."
I glance away from the intensity of his eyes. "Even if you're right, it doesn't excuse my actions. And I don't know how to fix it…" To my embarrassment, my voice cracks.
Solas laces our fingers together and brings them to his lips, placing delicate kisses on each of my knuckles. "Perhaps it is simply a matter of taking each day as it comes."
"That's what I've been doing for the past eleven years!" I snap without meaning to, then quickly mumble an apology.
"I cannot tell you what to do, Rhynn," he sighs softly. "Only you know what will clear your conscience. You are a brilliant woman, though. I have no doubt you will think of something soon enough." His voice and eyes are so tender, I can't help but wrap my arms around him and hold on tight.
Solas squeezes back, running his hand up and down my spine. I still feel so cold, and fragile as the first layer of ice on a pond. But Solas… Solas is warm. He's a night spent in by the crackling fire with a good book and a steaming mug of cider. One of his hands slips under my shirt and I shiver.
"Solas," I whisper.
"Rhynn." I can feel his long fingers splayed across my lower back, searing their impression into my skin. Deeper.
"This… what we have. When we started, we agreed it was for comfort, a port in the storm," I continue to speak softly, my own hands gripping tightly to his tunic.
"I remember," he nuzzles into my neck.
"I want to feel something other than guilt, at least for one night." I press my lips to the spot just under his ear. "Please, be my safe harbor."
"Always," he promises and I try not to let that one word completely undo me.
He kisses me then, so softly, so carefully. I melt into his arms and let him pick me up, wrapping my legs around his waist. He carries me over to the bed and lays me down gently, his hands skimming up my thighs to grip my hips. I pull his face to mine and kiss him deeply, tongue slipping between his lips. He reciprocates with a hum of satisfaction, crawling over me and pressing his leg between mine. I hum at the contact.
Solas pulls away to trace my features with his eyes and fingers. "You are so beautiful," he sighs and claims my mouth again. Each kiss is headier than the last, a subtle drug that leaves me boneless and desperate for more. He's never kissed me like this before and I realize he must have been holding back, just a little. I start to wonder why, but the thought is lost when Solas tilts my chin up to press open mouthed kisses down the column of my throat.
I let out a shaky breath and begin tugging the hem of his shirt upwards. Another odd thing, I note. He doesn't usually sleep with a top on. Solas takes the hint and sits up enough to let me help him out of the article. I toss it aside without looking to see where it lands, tugging him back down and running my hands over the exposed skin of his back. The muscles jump beneath my fingertips.
"Your fingers are cold," he chuckles.
"Warm them up for me, then," I reply coyly, trailing the digits in question upwards over his chest. He grabs one of my hands and runs his lips over the pads of my fingers. Then, slowly and while keeping eye contact, he takes one into his mouth.
My eyes widen and my lips fall apart to let out a ragged sigh. Solas releases the finger in favor of running his tongue across my bottom lip. I wrap my legs around him, drawing him closer. When our hips connect, we make matching sounds of pleasure.
"Solas," I whisper against his lips and his breath hitches. Hands dip beneath the hem of my shirt and move upwards, bunching up the fabric. I arch my back and raise my arms to let him pull it over my head. This, too, gets tossed aside. And then he lowers himself onto me and our bare chests press together.
He's so warm…
I wrap my arms around him again to hold him tightly, one hand at the base of his spine and the other on the back of his head.
"Let me feel you," I plead and he rolls us over so that I sit astride his hips. I smooth my hands over his torso, feeling each contour and memorizing every freckle. "My life is a mess," I tell him. He opens his mouth to say something, so I swoop in for a silencing kiss. Saying this is hard enough without him talking. "My life is a mess," I repeat, "but you make me feel like maybe I'll be alright again someday."
Solas' eyes seem to shine brighter, reflecting the flicker of the candle on the bedside table. He pulls me in for a searing kiss which, in my opinion, doesn't last nearly long enough. Trying to catch my breath, I trail kisses down his sternum and just inhale. He smells good. I bury my face in his shoulder.
This man is mine for tonight.
I glance up at his face to find him watching me. Solas tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and runs his thumb across my cheek bone. I smile at him and he returns it. One kiss turns into many as he rolls us back over.
I lay my palms over his biceps as he hovers over me, admiring the feel of muscles bunching beneath smooth skin. Then I let my left hand drop to his right and drag it up to cover my breast.
Solas' lips twitch. "Impatient," he chides.
"For you? Of course I am." I pepper kisses along the sharp line of his jaw.
Then it's just us. No barriers, save for the ones I stubbornly keep around my heart. And even those have worn thin as of late.
Solas begins working his way down my body again, intentions clear. I stop him with two fingers under his chin, causing him to look up at me.
Such gorgeous eyes… like the sea during a storm.
"Not tonight," I tell him simply. "Isalan hima sa i'na." I feel proud for having remembered the phrase when his pupils dilate further.
He presses his forehead into my navel and moans quietly before moving back up. His hand hovers over my abdomen, glowing briefly.
"I'm not-"
"Merely a precaution," he assures and I understand.
Solas wraps a hand around the back of my neck and kisses me fiercely.
Then we get lost in one another. We don't talk much, but that's okay. Words aren't necessary. Neither of us is in much of a hurry, content to just stay in this moment.
My awareness is reduced to the places where skin meets skin. Solas becomes the only important thing, pushing aside all guilt, doubt, and loneliness. They have no place here. I covet each sound that he makes, tucking them away some place safe and secret. And when he whispers precious things to me in elvish, I lock the memories up to drag out again some lonely day.
When it's over, we collapse into a heap and don't move for a few moments, chests heaving as we try to catch our breath.
Solas rolls sideways and pulls me into an embrace. My thoughts are hazy and quiet for once and it's a welcome respite. The last thing I remember is lips pressed against my hair before I fall into the first real sleep I've had in over a week.
Notes: Isalan hima sa i'na: I lust to become one with you