A/N: Just in time with this one! Happy new year and please review!

Chapter Thirty-Five

And The Hardest Part of This is Leaving You

I woke up four hours later. It was dark and I was disorientated, I had no idea what the time was, I could have been sleeping for twenty minutes or two weeks could have passed for all I knew.

But slowly it started to come back to me again. I sat up a little when I felt another person's presence beside me. I remembered that Lovi was next to me and in a jumble I started to recall what we had done...

At first I felt a strange rush of anxiety- I couldn't make sense of it, we made love that night, right? I closed my eyes again for a second and let the memory wash over me. Yeah, we had done something the two of us wanted more than anything... So why did the memory fist hitting me send such a panicky feeling through me?

I bit my lip, just the very day before I was so sure I was going to have to accept that he wouldn't love me and all of a sudden I had come as close to his soul as humanly possible! If he hadn't been sleeping beside me I probably would have convinced myself the whole thing was a dream sequence!

I reached out, he was curled up next me, facing the window, fast asleep. I leaned over him and tucked his hair behind his ear. I looked at his sleeping face, he seemed to be so deep into whatever dreams he was having, his lips were slightly pursed and he looked tense but he was undeniably sleeping. I put the back of my hand to his neck, he was hot. I compared it to myself and nodded, he was definitely running a temperature... But he always seemed to be these days, and it didn't seem high enough to justify disturbing him.

I sat back, putting my hand to my mouth; I didn't know what would come out of there! Would I laugh, cry, or both?

My shoulders shook a little but I still couldn't tell. I guess nothing in me knew how to act. This was the most fulfilling, beautiful, heartbreaking, best thing to even happen to me. I looked at Lovi again but even in the dark it was like looking at the sun... I ran my fingers though my hair, the one rational bit in me was poking me in the ribs, 'as incredible as this guy might be he will break your heart'.

For some reason this rational part took on the voice of Gilbert!

I sighed quietly and finally smiled. There was no point in thinking all that now, I did it enough... How could I possibly lie there next to the most beautiful, most amazing person I had ever met, still feel where we had touched one another, and not be happy?

The panic still remained a little, in the back of my mind I could picture him waking up, realising what had happened and hating me... He was so willing the night before but I had no idea how he had felt before he told me... What if he didn't mean it somehow?

Whatever he said when he woke up, I knew that I would never be able to let go of the memories from that night... His smooth olive skin, his sweet youthful sounding voice... And of course...

My face burned a little, I felt like a pervert as I remembered the sight of his pink hole spreading around me, those thighs spread, pelvis wriggling to get me in more, back arching more than I even though was possible and his slim cock dripping clear beads onto his abdomen...

I squeezed my eyes shut tightly; holding my breath and tensing up totally, the image was too much! I was totally ecstatic! I had that memory now! It was the most precious thing in my life and no one could take it from me!

Once I calmed down I realised that I wasn't going to be able to just go back to sleep. I glanced back at Lovi and noticed for the first time that he was lying with his ear phones.

The first thing that hit me was that for him to get those, go all the way to my living room in the nude, fumble around in the dark to grab his head phones and ipod, and then come back to bed, he must have been awake. The fact that he didn't shove me awake to tell me that he never wanted to see me again was a really good sign!

Then I started to wonder what made him want to get it. I knew a lot of people liked music to get them to sleep, but what was he listening to?

I slowly reached out and took an ear bud, he didn't even stir, but as soon as I pulled the bud away from his ear I noticed how loud he had his music. I didn't get how anyone could have possibly fallen asleep with that booming, especially as deeply as Lovi was asleep right then.

I put it too my ear, I had no idea what kind of music to expect,

"And you could call this the funeral
I'm just telling the truth
And you can play this at my funeral
Wrap me up in Chanel inside my coffin
Might go to Hell and there ain't no stopping
Might be a sinner and I might be a saint
I'd like to be proud, but somehow I'm ashamed
Sweet little baby in a world full of pain
I gotta be honest, I don't know if I could take it"

I looked at Lovi with narrowed my eyes, what was this? This the music… It was so depressing. Not just normal sad depressing, it was almost suicidal… But why would he listen to this? Didn't he say it himself? Sometimes he was so surrounded by death that it was too much!

"Tell my sister don't cry and don't be sad
I'm in Paradise with Dad
Close my eyes and then cross my arms
Put me in the dirt, let me dream with the stars"

I swallowed hard as I watched his face, maybe looking for some kind of answer but nothing was coming. It hurt to listen to this, knowing Lovi had this kind of music… It just baffled me, were these the kind of things he was thinking? How could he?

"Throw me in a box with the oxygen off
You gave me the key then you locked every lock
When I can't breathe, I won't ask you to stop
When I can't breathe, don't call for a cop
I was naive and hopeful and lost
Now I'm aware and trapped in my thoughts"

That's when I yanked the ear bud out and dropped it onto the sheets in front of me, swallowing hard. This music… Why would he want to hear that? It was heart breaking thinking that this was the kind of thing he subjected himself to. I lay back, realising that somehow I had broken out in a cold sweat, and gripped the sheets tightly until my worries put me back to sleep.

.oO0Oo.

The next time I opened my eyes, light was streaming into the room. I blinked and looking around I noticed that this time, Lovi too was awake. He was out of bed, standing by the widow, looking out, He had my green comforter around him, wrapped over his shoulders in a way that told me there was nothing on him under it.

I gave an audible yawn to grab his attention and tell him I was awake now too. I was still a little nervous, I had no idea how the morning would go, and the confusion I had felt after hearing that music was still there, it hadn't left me yet and I doubted it would until I got answers.

"There's a weed out there…" He told me without even looking over, "Jeeze, get it together."

I smiled, out of all the things he could have said, this was one of the good ones. I stood up and walked over to join him. I didn't bother with any blankets or clothes. That got him to look at me! I smiled as he looked me up and down with wide eyes, and I could see he was gripping the comforter tighter,

"D-Don't just come over to the window dammit!" He glared at me but I could still see his eyes flicking down from my face to my chest, "Someone will see you!"

I chuckled and slowly looped my arm around his waist, "It's okay, the neighbours can't see in here, the plants are too high!"

He tutted but leaned into me subtly, "That's what you think, jackass."

It took a few seconds but he turned around and hugged me properly then, pressing his face to my chest.

"How did you sleep?" I placed my hand on top of his head, my fingers lacing through his hair.

He nodded, "Fine..." He gave a contented sigh, "It was fine."

I hesitated, thinking of that sad song that was playing, "You were listening to music."

"Yeah." He stepped back, stretching, "I can't sleep without it."

He went and sat on the bed, I didn't follow, my head was too taken up, questioning what to say next.

I leaned back against the wall, trying to stay casual, "What kind of stuff do you like to go to sleep?"

He shrugged, pulling the comforter more around his shoulders, "Just whatever I feel like."

I bit my lip and looked at the floor, "You were listening to some pretty depressing stuff last night." There really was no other way around this...

He looked up at me quickly, his eyes narrow, "How the hell do you know?"

"I heard it..." There was no use in hiding it, "It was just so sad!" I told him, "That song... Why do you listen to that stuff?"

He clicked his tongue and looked aside, "Why? They're songs about dying."

I took a few steps closer to him, "I don't understand, how could you enjoy that? Doesn't it just make you sad."

"No..." He shrugged, "They make death seem romantic, and hell knows I need shit like that."

"It's not good to make death romantic, Lovi."

He snapped then, standing up quickly, "Why the hell not!? Because I'll let it win?! In case you haven't noticed it won a long time ago!" He gritted his teeth, his eyes were burning, "You have no idea how empowering that shit is!" He started to laugh then but they sounded more like sobs, "This is the one thing I can force death to do, it's fucked me up so I need this... I need to twist it into something good..."

"But you haven't lost yet! You can't say that... Or it really will win." I felt like what I was saying was pathetic... Like bubbles that he was popping with his spiky words. They held no body to them, they all fell flat.

They were just the things I was meant to say. But even as I spoke them I wasn't sure if I believed them...

"I haven't lost yet?!" He looked like his anger was causing him physical pain, "Have you seen me!?"

"You're beautiful!" This I did mean, and nothing he was going to say next would swat that away.

He shook his head, "You're wrong..." You see what you want see, "I've got bags under my eyes, I'm so skinny that I'm just bones and skin... My hair is so thin it's like it all falls out and re-grows every day! My skin is an ugly shade, my eyes are dull, everything looks dried out and ready to give out at any second."

I looked him up and down, he was...

He was right.

He was still beautiful to me, in every possible way, but he was still right. He was a shell of the guy I first met, when I first met Lovi, he was totally different from what was standing in front of me now.

But he still was beautiful, I was right, he really couldn't take that from me.

"You don't understand." He added, "I thought you could, but you don't!"

He fled the room then, dumping the comforter in the doorway. I stood up and started to chase him, finding him in the living room, grabbing his clothes.

"No, wait!" I was panicking now, I knew if I let him leave I wouldn't see him again. That was just the reality, "Lovi, please stop."

He pulled on his shirt and glared at me, "Fuck off."

I gritted my teeth and without even realising what I was doing shouted back at him, "What do expect me to do!?"

That stunned him at least enough to stop, he looked at me instead and I decided to go on while I still had him,

"I love you, Lovino." I told him sincerely, "I can't let you say this, I can't tell you you're not beautiful because to me every inch of you is." He still wasn't moving, "I'm sorry I didn't understand... But listen to yourself. Would it make you happy if I told you that death had won? I love you and it hurts so I can't think that way!" I pushed my hand though my hair, "I just can't."

He was looking at the floor and I sighed in relief, knowing he wasn't going to leave anymore.

He looked up to me, he had vulnerability written all over his face, "If I don't listen to people telling me that death is good... What do I have?"

I smiled and opened my arms for him, "You have me."

He went to them and hugged me tightly and despite the sadness it filled me with warmth.

He pressed his face into my chest, "You're the opposite of what I need."

I kissed the top of his head, "How's that?"

He dug his nails into my back, "Because I'm scared to leave you... I'm scared of going without you."