A.N. Thanks to all for your messages of condolence, and to (guest) Flutrbye for your words of comfort. One of the benefits of getting older is that you learn that life comes and goes, gets happy, and sad, and then happy again. So the lows are more shallow, and the highs more treasured, as are the friendships.
And When I Wake
Chapter 35
The rest of the week passed relatively without incident. The vaccine supply chain had reactivated after the long weekend, with spot checks for radioactively-tagged pneumococcus strains occurring at select locations. Rossi had best expressed the frustration all of them were feeling at the inability to screen for vaccine contamination at every nexus.
"People think it's our technology that holds us back. They're always waiting for that next breakthrough that will make sure the good guys win all the time. They don't realize it's money. Good old moolah. We have the technology. We just can't afford to use it."
There simply weren't enough tools, nor enough money to pay all the agents who would have to use them. So they'd targeted their locations based on Reid's best guesses as to where the contaminated vaccine might pass through on its way to the target location. Which meant he'd also had to render a best guess about the next target location. While the responsibility weighed heavily on the BAU genius, he was more than willing to shoulder it.
Morgan thought they might have overlooked the obvious.
"There has to be an initial branching off point, right? Why can't they just scan at each of the first branch points in the chain, and then concentrate on the branch that has the contaminated vaccine?"
Reid explained. "The radioactive tag works, but it's not present in enough concentration. Its signature would be lost in a large shipment. So we've had to concentrate on places where the vaccine load will be five hundred cases or fewer."
Kate let out a low whistle. "It sounds like we're taking a big chance on having guessed right, then."
Hotch disagreed. "Reid created a sound algorithm. I think the odds are in our favor."
The recipient of Hotch's vote of confidence flashed him an appreciative glance.
With the tagged vaccine in play, all they could do was wait for it to appear at one of the checkpoints. But they still had the issue of Peter Ramos and his suspected role in delivering the pneumococcus to those who used it to tamper with the vaccine. Hotch called on Morgan for an update.
"So far this week, he's been a good boy. We've got street surveillance that says he's mostly come and gone as expected for work. The lab surveillance cameras haven't picked up on anything. Unless…." Looking toward Reid.
The younger man sat up straighter. "Nothing. I went over the footage with Kimura. She said his movements were entirely consistent with the specific tasks he was supposed to be accomplishing."
Rossi tilted his seat back, hands clasped across his abdomen. "We have to wonder if the network was tipped off. Maybe our friends in Oregon got word out to someone…"
"Or maybe there was another partner who noticed they'd been taken into custody. We can't be sure the three we arrested were the only ones involved out there," added Kate.
"Yeah," said Reid, "but they managed to send contaminated vaccine to three more cities after the arrests were made. Either they don't realize we're aware of them, or they don't care."
The deepening furrow of Hotch's brow told them all what he thought. "I think it's likely they are aware we're investigating. There's only so much hidden presence a full task force can accomplish. So I think we have to go on the likelihood that they aren't intimidated."
"Or that they want to be found out." Reid had that look in his eyes, and that tone in his voice. "What if this isn't really about vaccines at all?"
"Huh?" Kate was the only one who said it aloud, but the sentiment occupied a thought cloud above each head in the room.
"What if they're just using vaccines to show us how vulnerable we are? I mean, if you think about it, this could be, essentially, biological warfare. The only difference between what happened to us here in DC last fall, and what's happening now, is that, the last time, they contaminated the air in a specific location. Now, they're contaminating vaccine, in multiple locations."
"You're saying DHS is right. That this is terrorism." Morgan sounded like he agreed with Reid. "We've already profiled that it might be domestic terrorism effected for a cause. Now we need to think about whether that cause is actually what it seems to be."
"And," added Rossi, also on board, "whether the terrorism is actually domestic."
"Can we just talk this through, so I can make sure I'm not missing anything?" asked Kate.
Hotch motioned her to continue.
"All right. So, at first, this looked like anti-vaxxers trying to make their point."
"It still might be," Morgan pointed out. "But it's looking like they, and their cause, were just dupes that allowed our real masterminds to use them on the ground."
Kate nodded, following. "All right. So, then we step in and arrest three players we're pretty sure somehow helped deliver what they knew to be contaminated vaccine. Right?"
"Right." Reid encouraged her. "And while the reason for their arrests weren't made public, so we wouldn't have a panic on our hands, their suppliers have to know by now that the chain has been interrupted."
"And yet, said suppliers haven't stopped supplying other locations," said Kate. "And that's why we think they don't care that we know they exist, because otherwise they'd have halted their activity."
"Paused it, at the very least." Hotch entered into the exchange. "I think Reid is right. And I think we're being sent a message, much as we were last fall. If this were a full scale biological attack, the entire vaccine supply would be at risk. As it is, with specific locations targeted, and an open defiance of our investigation, I think we can only conclude that they want us to know they're out there."
JJ spoke up for the first time in a long time. Reid had been concerned about her silence, and what it might mean. In spite of the sentiment she expressed, he was relieved that she'd finally entered the conversation.
"They want the public to know they're out there. They think we'll have no choice but to alert the population at large. They want people to panic."
Kate was unconsciously rubbing her belly, a protective measure for the child within.
"Can you imagine? No one would feel safe. No child would be safe. Parents would have to take a chance on their child dying of a preventable disease, or dying from a contaminated vaccine. Who could possibly make a decision like that?"
Rossi pushed back his chair in disgust. "Life was so much simpler when this job was just about hunting serial killers. Them, I understand."
"You okay?" Reid placed a mug of tea on JJ's desk, knowing it to be her afternoon beverage of choice. "You've been pretty quiet."
She looked up from the file she'd been pretending to read. "Thanks." Taking a sip from the tea.
Reid recognized her stalling tactic, less from his experience as a profiler than from that of his long years of friendship with her. So he planted himself on the edge of her desk, and waited her out.
Realizing, she gave in. A little.
"I'm fine. Just tired, I guess. I've been peeking in on Henry a couple of times a night."
Which news concerned his godfather. "Is he having pain?" Or nightmares?
She shook her head in response and took another sip of tea. "He's been sleeping soundly every time. I don't even know why I'm checking on him. It's almost like when he was a baby."
Ah. "If I recall, you told me that you checked on him three or four times every night, even though you had two different video cameras trained on his crib." He teased her with the memory.
"Stop! I wasn't that bad, was I?" She frowned for a moment. "Actually, I guess I was. It was just...I thought, he had no choice in the matter. I had brought him into the world, and I felt like I had to be responsible for him."
He caught her eyes before replying. "And you still do. Maybe that's why you're taking this so hard. But it wasn't your fault, JJ. What could you have done?"
"I don't know. Maybe I could have put my foot down harder about him going hunting. But we were with Will's family, and I didn't want to make a scene about it. I didn't want to do that to Will. So, instead, I ended up doing something to Henry." Sounding disgusted with herself.
Considering the subject matter, Reid was torn about whether to speak or remain silent. But JJ was clearly distressed, and he didn't think she deserved to be berated, even if she was doing it to herself. So he tread carefully, but he tread.
"It's true that something happened to Henry. But it's not true that you are responsible for it. You tried to stop it. You just told me that. The only thing that's really important is that you were there when he needed you, after it happened. And pretty much every minute since. Am I right?"
He was, but she wasn't ready to concede. Shaking her head, she was still unhappy. "What does it matter that I was there after the fact? I didn't prevent it, and I should have."
He rubbed his face as he filtered through the thoughts in his head. JJ was obviously not the only person who could have prevented Henry's trauma. But it was best that he not go there. All he could really try to do was to help her alleviate her own portion of guilt. So he tried again.
"JJ, I know I'm not a parent, so maybe I have no right to say this. You can tell me to shut up if you like."
Waiting for permission to proceed. Her intense gaze granted it.
"I know that not every parent is the same. If you want proof, look at mine. But don't most of them want their children to grow up without a hint of sadness, or pain in their lives?"
"Of course-why would we want anything less?"
"You wouldn't. But you'd be pretty frustrated, right from the beginning. We all want things we can't have, both as parents and as kids. Life happens. Illness happens. Kids get hurt, parents get hurt. People leave, or die. No matter how badly you want to, you can't shield them from it."
JJ furiously blinked back the tears she refused to shed in the middle of the bullpen. Instead of reaching for a tissue, she dug deep to find her cynicism.
"So, what does that mean? That I should just throw up my arms and say, 'Sorry, kid, life's a bitch?'"
Silence greeted her comment as he waited for her to regain control. When he sensed she was ready, he answered her.
"Of course not. It just means that you can't protect him from everything, no matter how much you want to. God, JJ, don't you think I get it? I love him, too. And I was a little boy, once, with a mother who wanted desperately to protect me. Except that what she wanted to protect me from was…." Having to stop, as though assaulted by the very thought…..but then driven to continue, to help the people he loved. In nearly a whisper, he concluded, "What she wanted to protect me from was herself."
In almost any other circumstance, in virtually any other conversation, JJ would have reached out to him, recognizing the remnant of that needy young boy-turned-man. But she was simply too self-involved in this moment. All she could do was stare at him with pleading eyes.
"Spence…what are you trying to say? I don't understand." Please make me understand.
Frustrated by the distance between them, he reached a long arm around her desk and pulled his chair over, so he could sit at her level, as closely as their wheeled platforms would allow.
"I'm saying that you can't protect him from everything. Maybe you can't protect him from anything. I get that you want him to have the kind of life you didn't. I'm sure your parents wanted it for you. Doesn't everyone want that for the children they love? You want it to be fun, and happy, and free of anything that makes the world a frightening place. But, look at what happens when you do that."
Still not quite sure where he was going, but trusting implicitly that she should go with him, she asked. "What?"
"Exactly what happened with Henry. You tried to protect him from scary things, and he invented a monster under the bed. You told him that people were nice, and one of his friends called him a name. You can't avoid it, JJ. It's out there. We talked about this, remember? It's even in the fairy tales we read to kids. Every story is about good and evil. Kids get that, very early in life. And they try, in their own ways, to prepare themselves for it. That's where the imaginary monsters come from, and why they all try to win battle with them."
"So, what? Life is scary and there's nothing we can do about it?" Sniffling in spite of herself.
"There is something you can do about it. You can be there. You can teach him how to cope. You can show him that he's got someone by his side, doing battle right along with him. You can let him know that he's never going to be in it alone."
He could see her working on it, and was encouraged. "That's what you've been doing for Henry all week. And, while even my incredible genius brain doesn't really understand how it works…." Waiting for her smile, and pleased when it came, "…..I think that he feels it when you check on him in the middle of the night, even if only in his dreams. I think it comforts him. I think it's why he sleeps so soundly."
Garnering just a little smile.
"So, my sweet, exhausted, friend…. go ahead and keep looking in on our little soldier. He knows you love him. It makes him stronger. In the end, that's all that's important."
He'd reached for her hands and squeezed them as he spoke, receiving the same in return.
JJ heaved a great sigh. "It may turn out to be the only wise thing I've done in my life, but I am so glad I asked you to be Henry's godfather."
"Not half as glad as I am."
"Seriously, Spence. My little boy couldn't be in better hands than yours…and Penelope's, of course. I am so grateful to have you, and my mom. If things work the way you say, then it's because of all of you that Henry has an entire army on his side."
It wasn't lost on the resident genius that there had been one notable omission among the troops. But he wasn't about to comment on it.
"Ready and willing to do battle at the command of our little general."
She chuckled at the ease with which she could picture Henry doing just that.
"You know, I think I'm kind of jealous of the kid who gets to have you for a dad someday, Spence. I might even be a little jealous of Henry."
Reid wasn't so sure about the possibilities of fatherhood, given his track record with romance. But it was something he longed for, and he appreciated the sentiment.
"No need to be jealous of Henry. I also gladly serve in the 'army of JJ'. Just say the word."
Her smile broadened. Reid had long since learned to categorize her smiles. They ran from 'storm-clouds ahead' to 'sunshine'. This one was still only 'partly cloudy'. But he would take it.
"I think you have already fulfilled that commitment, Dr. Reid. About a thousand times over."
He started rolling his chair back around the barrier as he promised her, "I'm always up for a thousand and one. Just so you know."
I do. And I might have to take you up on it.
She returned her eyes to the file in front of her, but her mind stayed with the conversation.
He's right. As much as we want to, we can't shield them from life. We can only try to keep them strong as they do battle with it. Remind them that there are more happy days than sad ones. More joy than sorrow.
But what happens when his fellow soldier betrays him? Thinking of the conversation she had with her mother two nights ago. What happens to him when I'm the cause of the sorrow?
With that thought, the guilt came crushing back, and JJ raised the folder to cover her face, so Spence wouldn't see.