Literally seconds after I've sent the text Scar had text back, with trembling fingers I open the message.
No none of us hate you we love you. I'm coming today that ok? - Scar
I'm relieved, really relieved.
Sounds great, I love you all to. - Paige
I distract myself to stop my nerves getting to me. So I go to the dining room with a small dish of fruit and sit at a table which I never usually do. After I sit in the lounge with some other patients and try and watch TV. And as usual a staff member is there every step of the way.
"Paige, they're here. Are you coming?" Shelley informed me. Suddenly all that panic is rushing back. I feel like im stuck in the chair.
Come on Paige you can do this. I take a few deep breathes and I slowly get to my feet. Taking my time to get to the room I try and think of what I'm going to say, but my mind goes blank. We arrive at the closed door and I pause.
"Shelley can you go in front of me please?" I beg.
"Of course, you ready?"
"No, but let's go in." With that, she opens the door and we step forward into the room.
Around the room people are seated talking but once they see me it becomes deathly quiet. When suddenly my parents and Scar walk towards me and surround me in a group hug. The tangle of bodies start shaking and I'm not really sure who is our isn't crying.
It feels really good to be held by them and I don't want to let go. After a short amount of time we all disentangle and I can see we have all shed some tears. They sit down again and I take a seat next to Scar and rest my head on her shoulder. She clasps her hand in my mine and gives it a squeeze.
My doctor goes through greetings and formalities while I try to comprehend that my family are here and they are not screaming at me in anger as I thought they could do.
"Paige, I would like you to tell your family what led to this episode and why you tried to take your life. Please take your time, they are not here to judge but they have a lot of questions that have not been answered and they just want to help."
Fuck, I knew it would eventually happen but it's still so hard to talk honestly about it. I take some deep breathes, lower my head and fiddle with my sleeves while I explained about my inadequacy feelings, my jumbled and intrusive thoughts that got worse the more stressed I got. Told them about what happened with those jocks and what I did after. I informed them how horrible it made me feel what they did but how loved Emily made me feel, but I should of seeked support over that incident. Plus I finally told them that I had kept self harming even though dad had thrown all the sharps away or kept them hidden.
With a heavy heart I told them about how Spencer and I had kissed just before I tried to take my life. Seeing Emily's heart break was the straw, I felt do guilty and I had no idea why I kissed her back, I still don't know. And that was the broke the camels back.
Until then I didnt lift my eyes from the ground, I really didnt want to see their reactions. Tentatively I lift my head up. I find my family looking back at me. They look so sad. I can't believe I'm the reason for their pain. I never wanted to hurt them. I thought they would be better off without me. I drop to my knees in ftont of them and rest my head in my mums lap.
"I'm so so so sorry! Please forgive me, I love you all so much, my head was so unbearable it was the only way I could think of to be happy. I'm so sorry!" I scream and beg through tears and sobs. I feel hands on my head and back, stroking and they're making soothing sounds.
"We love you do much Angel," my mum tells me, "We were so scared we thought we had lost you for good. I'm so sorry I could nt help you more."
I lift my head up abruptly and hold my mums hands. "Noo no no, this was not your fault mum, none of yours faults. It was mine, I acted before I thought or talked to anyone. I should have made an effort to be honest and to get help but I didnt. Please none of you blame yourself please." I beg them. I get off the floor and I sit next to my dad. "Can you ever forgive me dad?" He kisses my forhead and wraps me up close to him. "I love you so much, but please please let them help you and talk. I want you home but not until you are strong enough. I couldnt live if I lost you please just let the staff in."
"I promise dad. Ive missed you all so much. Dont leave me please."
Scarlett gets up and practically runs out the door and Shelley follows her. Shes alwsys been the strong one but it must be too much for her.
"She'll be ok sweet just give her some time to collect herself" My dad tells me, I slowly nod and cuddle further into my dad and hold my mothers hand next to him.
The doctor goes through my care plan and about the changes to medication. Im to stay in the hospital until im deemed that I am no longer at risk to myself. Once that is explained Scarlett walks back in with red eyes but gives me a 'I'm ok smile' and sits down.
"Errm Scar... Hows Emily?" I tentatively ask, not sure whether I want the answer or not.
"She's upset that she cant contact you. Shes spent quite a time with us. Emily really misses you but shes also upset because she was the one who found you and rang 911."
"I thought she had left me."
I lower my head and try to stop the tears coming again. "Do...you think she would visit me?"
"Hun shes outside, she wanted to be as near you as possible."