Hi readers. I'M BACK! I know it's been a long time coming. I want to apologize. This has been one of the hardest years of my life, and between school full time, 3 jobs, and some personal things, I simply didn't have the time or the passion to keep writing this story. But I've found it and I plan to keep doing regular installments until it is finished! Thank you SO MUCH for being so understanding, and for those who continued to message me to get me to keep this story going! You got me back. I hope you like this chapter. I started it a long time ago and just went on a writing binge the last few days to get it finished. Thanks again! 50 Shades More returns!

Chapter 36

Ana's POV

The late-afternoon sunlight streams through the large glass windows of the dining room, spilling onto the large oak table and across the pages of my journal. I pause to admire the golden tint it gives to the paper. Clicking my pen, I lean back and read what I've written so far:

"Dear Christian…"

I sigh. I am struggling to find the right words. How do you explain to someone how much they mean to you? Especially when that person is Christian? The things I feel for him are so complex, so intense, its hard to put the emotions into words. I tap my pen against my lips and stare out the window across the sound. I let myself get caught up in my memories, of the first time we met, the shock of finding out who he was...is...no...he's not that person anymore. It's still there, deep down, and once in awhile the demons come out to play. But time changes everyone, and more importantly, love changes everyone. Hmmm. I think I know what I want to say.

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Christian's POV

"Where's Teddy? Where'd he go? Is he...under here? No...oh! There he is!"
I am playing peek-a-boo with my son. I pop back up from the floor and catch a glance at myself in the mirror next to Teddy's dresser. It's Friday night and my hair is disheveled, I am wearing sweatpants and sporting a fairly large baby-drool stain on my T-shirt, sprawled on the floor with a baby on my chest. What have I become?
Fatherhood. It changes you.

Sometimes I feel like I've morphed into a completely new person in the past year. Meeting Ana has been the biggest 180 of my life. Then again, sometimes it's like nothing has changed at all. When the monsters in my soul make their debut, it's hard to feel like I have conquered much of my past. But there is always progress, which I suppose is something to be grateful for.
Tomorrow I am going to visit Ella. For the first time in 24 years. I've never been there before. I had to have Taylor do a little digging to figure out where she was actually buried. She's in Woodmere Cemetery in Detroit. We catch a flight early tomorrow morning. Originally I didn't want Ana or Teddy to go with me, but Ana practically demanded to come along. She knows I need her there with me, even if I don't want her there. It's so fucking complicated. I don't want to drag her into the sob-story of my past. But if she wasn't coming with me, I don't think I could do it. I'm still not thrilled with the idea of bringing my son to the place that holds so much heartache for me, but Ana can't be separated from him because she's breastfeeding. So here we are.

I light tap on the door interrupts me from my gloomy thoughts. It opens and Ana peeks her head in. She grins when she sees us playing on the floor.

"How are my boys?" she asks sweetly.

"Well, one of us is smelly," I say, getting to my feet.
Ana holds her arms out for Teddy. "I'll change him. It's your birthday," she argues.

I grin at her. "I didn't say it was Teddy."

"Ew, Christian," she giggles helplessly. "You're silly. And you are NOT smelly." she kisses my cheek and takes Ted from my arms. "Go get ready! We're leaving in 20 minutes," she admonishes me.
"Alright, alright, you bossy thing." I swat her backside as I leave the room and hear her giggle again.
Ana. She is the light when my world goes grey.

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"Happy birthday, darling!"
My mom greets me enthusiastically as we enter the private dining room of a swanky Seattle steakhouse. She and Ana arranged a special birthday dinner for me with the family, along with Gwen and Ros, which was a pleasant surprise. I'm not used to having everyone make such a fuss over me on my birthday. In fact, in the past I avoided everyone all together on this day, much preferring to spend the evening celebrating privately, usually in the company of one of my subs. I shake that thought from my mind with a sigh. Not anymore. I am a changed man. And my mom is over the moon with the fact that she can plan parties for me now. I chuckle to myself.

"Thank you, Mom. And thank you for helping arrange all of this. It wasn't necessary."
"Oh, nonsense, Christian, it was absolutely necessary!" Grace cries, swatting me on the arm affectionately. "Its not everyday my youngest son turns twenty-nine! And besides, Ana did most of the work. I just helped with the arrangements." She smiles at me. "She really does love you, so much, Christian. You're so lucky to have her."
I smile at my wife, who is busy with Gwen and Ros cooing over Teddy. "I know I am."

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Ana's POV

"A keychain! Are you kidding me?"
"It seemed cute at the time!"
"It was!"
"Oh my god. It didn't light up, did it?"
"Well…"
"Ugh, it did?!"
"That was the whole point of the keychain!"
The table is buzzing with chatter and laughter as Christian and I recount the tale of last year's birthday, in which I accepted his proposal via keychain. Gwen and Ros are not having it. Its actually quite hysterical.

"Oh well, I don't care. I think it was a cool idea. And its one of my favorite memories," I remember fondly.
"Mine too," Christian chimes in. I smile at him from across the table.
"Really?"
"Well, it got you to say yes, didn't it?"
We all burst into fits of laughter once more.

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One by one, the guests have said their goodbyes with well-wishes for Christian on his birthday. I think he's a little overwhelmed with all of the attention. I hope it hasn't flustered him too much. I wanted him to have a good time tonight, especially with the daunting trip that is looming over us come tomorrow.
Grace and Carrick are the only ones left here with Christian, Teddy, and I. The conversation has sunk into pleasant small-talk as our plates have been cleared by the staff. Alone in the room, I sense a change in the atmosphere as Carrick clears his throat and exchanges a glance with Grace across the table.
"What?" Christian asks immediately. He saw the look as well.
"Christian...my darling, I know you probably aren't looking forward to tomorrow very much…" Grace begins.
No! Grace! This is exactly what I didn't want to talk about right now.

Christian's expression sours, and I see the coolness in his eyes as they harden, his guard going up.
"Not particularly, no."

"I can't begin to imagine how difficult it must be for you, dear. But, we wanted you to have all the information you may want in case you need additional questions answered," Grace continues softly, carefully treading the dangerous ground she knows she's on.
Christian's eyes narrow suspiciously. "What are you talking about?"
I echo his confusion in my head.

Carrick pulls a manila envelope from his jacket and slides it across the table to his son.

Christian eyes it warily, but doesn't attempt to pick it up. "What is this?" he murmurs, his gaze flicking between his parents and the mysterious white parchment in front of him.

"Its all the information we have about your birth parents," Carrick says quietly.

"Birth parents?" I blurt out, incredulous. Christian says nothing.

"Yes, Ella's records are there, which I'm sure you have your own copies of, Christian. But there's also information about the foster family you stayed with briefly, along with an address….and some files on your birth father as well." Grace looks at the table, her voice light in an attempt to diffuse what she is saying. Carrick says nothing. Neither does Christian. He appears to be in shock. I can barely form coherent thoughts right now.

"My...birth...father?" Christian asks in a hoarse whisper.
"I didn't know you even knew he existed," I say, my voice weaker than Christian's..

"I didn't," Christian mutters. He shoots his mother and father a look that could extinguish a forest fire. "Did you?"

"Not-not at first…" Grace looks at Carrick with a begging look. He sighs.
"Initially, we assumed there was no father figure in the picture. After all, that was the state we had found you in and the state you seemed to exist in up until that point. It wasn't until you were almost thirteen years old did we get a letter from a man named-"
"I don't want to know his name." Christian cuts him off. The room goes dead silent.

"Alright," Carrick continues quietly. "A man who claimed to be your birth father. He wanted to meet you and have a relationship with you, but I wrote back and told him no. I didn't think it would be healthy for you to explore that avenue, nor did I believe you would want a relationship with him in the first place." Carrick has gone into lawyer mode, matter-of-fact and precise in his explanation.

"Well, you were correct on all fronts," Christian sighs wearily, putting his head in his hands.

"Wait a minute," I interject, surprising myself with the sharpness in my voice. I have been mostly silent for this conversation, but something doesn't add up. "You say this man 'claimed' to be Christian's birth father. How do we know for sure?" I demand.

"We don't," Grace says simply. Christian and I stare at her in disbelief.

"You don't even know for sure? Then why are you telling me all of this?" I recognize the note of despair in Christian's voice and I know this conversation, the way it stands, isn't going to last much longer.

"So that you can make that decision on your own," Carrick says firmly. "Like your mother said, we wanted you to have all the information possible going into this situation. What you choose to do with it is up to you, but you have the resources you need if you decide to pursue any of this further."
"And why would you think I want to pursue this?" Christian hisses. "Why would you think I want to relive this? Any of this? I've spent the last twenty-four years of my life trying to forget about all of this! I don't want to know his name. I don't want to know where I lived. I don't even want to go to the gravestone of my dead crack-addict mother, but I have to for the sake of my family. For the sake of my sanity." Christian sighs again, a deep, mournful sigh, and I feel my heart break inside my chest. Tears glitter in Grace's eyes at the mention of Ella, and Carrick remains stoic throughout the whole monologue.

Nobody says a word. The tension in the air is palpable, and the only sounds I hear are the quiet murmurs of conversations and dishes clattering outside in the main restaurant area.

A quiet whimper from Teddy in his stroller breaks the silence in the room. We all jump at the noise, shaking our heads, as if trying to rouse ourselves from a bad dream.

Grace finally speaks. "I'm sorry, Christian. We were just trying to help. I should have realized…" she trails off with a shuddery breath.
Christian sighs again. "No, Mom, its alright. I understand what you were trying to do, and I appreciate the effort. Its just...its a sore subject. And I don't like to think about anyone else as my parents. You two have got that job covered."
Grace smiles, a teeny, hopeful smile, and I think I see Carrick blush.
"But I think we should go. Ted is getting hungry, and I need to get him and Ana home to bed." He steals a glance at me, making his desire to leave obvious. Grace and Carrick agree, and suddenly we are a flurry of well wishes and apologies and hasty goodbyes. Christian hugs his father, kisses his mother, and picks Teddy's car seat up from the floor. Taking my hand in his free one, we bid Grace and Carrick a final goodbye. As I turn to wave once more, I notice the manila envelope still sitting on the table.

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We are almost out the door when it happens.

"I forgot my bag," I say suddenly, before I can stop myself.
Christian eyes me warily. "The one you have on your shoulder?"
"No, this is Ted's diaper bag….I forgot my purse on the chair."
Christian sighs. "Alright, let's go back."

"No, it's fine. I'll just run and get it. I'll be quick."
"Ana-" Christian starts to protest.

"Christian, don't worry. I'm just running to the back room. It will take me 30 seconds. Besides, Teddy's fussing."
Christian glances down at our son, who looks like he is about to have a full on fit in his carseat.

"Get him settled in the car and I'll be back in a flash," I say hastily.
"Hmmmm….alright, be quick. And be careful," my husband warns me.
I nod and let go of his hand. "I will," I chirp, and dash back inside.

Weaving my way through the tables, I make it to the back room, where Grace and Carrick are still sitting, their voices low murmurs of concern. The manila envelope has not left the table.
"Ana? Is everything okay? What are you doing here?" Grace asks me, worry etched on her face.
Holding a finger to my lips, I quickly slide the manila envelope into the bag on my shoulder.

"Just in case," I whisper.