The Yamanaka Clan Compound

Kakashi-sensei clapped his hands together. "So, I was going to test you guys on the Bingo Book, but after all the crazy stuff that happened on your mission, I think that it's better that you guys take a little break first."

"Yes, that's much better," Ino agreed wholeheartedly.

"Now, before we go back to being all fun-and-games, we have to discuss something a little more serious at the moment," he said.

"What's that?" Naruto asked.

Kakashi-sensei rubbed his face with his hands. There were rings underneath his eyes. "…I think it's about time you guys had the 'talk'."

"What…kind of talk?" I asked. "Because if it's that talk – "

" – we already had it back in the Academy," Ino said. "Plus, my parents already told me all of the other stuff beyond that."

"One, I'm pretty sure Naruto skipped that day, two, no, it isn't that talk, although thank you for reminding me because you need to have that one, too, and three – Ino, did your mother or your father talk to you about it?"

Ino raised an eyebrow. "…My mother?"

"Then you haven't had the shinobi version of it yet. So," Kakashi-sensei clapped his hands together, "I'll keep it short and simple. Don't get caught with your pants around your ankles in front of an enemy. Literally and figuratively. Simple as that."

Ino rolled her eyes. "Yes, mummy."

He slapped the back of her head. "I mean it. Reality is a sad and unfair thing if you're not careful, so don't say I didn't warn you. Anyone and everyone is susceptible. It doesn't even have to involve anything physical – in fact, the more dangerous part is becoming emotionally involved with someone trained to take advantage of natural human irrationality. So be careful, and don't do anything stupid with anyone if you haven't known them for at least a year, and both of you haven't gone to the local clinic to be tested for STDs and all that stuff together, and − "

"Yes, mummy," we chorused.

We all got smacks that time.

What Kakashi-sensei said was sensible enough. The surprising thing was the fact that said sensible things were coming from Kakashi-sensei. I suppose it wasn't too far-fetched to imagine him using his reading material and flirting habits to cover up his actually being a closet prude, though, seeing as that particular department of Konoha's rumor mill never seemed to get anything too interesting about him in that regard. Good shinobi were always paranoid, especially the socially stunted ones, and he was probably just being hypocritically overprotective of us.

"But back to the original 'talk' that I was going to give you – you kids need a hobby or something," Kakashi-sensei sighed. "It usually – helps – with dealing with all the stuff that you've been through. Stuff that you will go through."

"Humans and their highly vulnerable heads," Naruto nodded sagely.

"What do you mean as a 'hobby'?" Ino asked.

"Anything that you can use to completely encompass your mind outside of ninja life," he stated simply. "For example, the Sandaime can determine where a tobacco leaf was planted and imported from by the mere smell alone. Asuma and Kurenai like denying that they're dating. Anko eats dango. Gai – well, I'm not sure what non-training activity Gai considers to be fun, outside of bothering me, but it works for him. On the other hand, Tsunade is slightly more self-destructive in her gambling and drinking. Meanwhile, Jiraiya enjoys peeping on women in the hot springs, although I think he liked doing that way before his first kill anyway." He turned to look at Ino and me. "Inoichi Yamanaka likes gossiping, Shikaku Nara likes sleeping, and Orochimaru didn't really have a non-shinobi hobby, so look where that got him. Get the drift?"

Naruto scratched the back of his head. "So…what are your hobbies? You never really answered us, before."

Kakashi-sensei grinned and held up his dog-eared copy of Icha Icha.

In the background, a large group of people suddenly began to shout loudly for no reason.

"Dismissed. I'll see you tomorrow. Take the day off. We'll be going back to D-ranks for a short while, just for you lot to get yourselves back together."

Never before had the three of us been so glad to hear "D-rank."

Naruto and Ino immediately bolted after that, but I stayed behind just a little while longer.

Kakashi-sensei cocked an eyebrow at me. "Was there something else you wanted to ask me about, Shikamaru?"

There were many things I wanted to ask Kakashi-sensei, actually. His life story, for one. But I knew that he wouldn't be handing that information out so easily.

"…Why do you start all of those arguments?" I finally decided, looking over to the still-forming crowd in the distance.

Kakashi-sensei's eyebrows shot up again. "I don't know what you're talking about."

I sighed. "Fine. Why do you enjoy watching people argue?"

"Why do I enjoy watching people argue?" Kakashi-sensei asked. I nodded. And then his vacant look disappeared, and it was replaced with a more somber one.

I could get used to distinguishing between his various limited facial expressions, but it still unnerved me, the way he could change attitudes so quickly.

Kakashi-sensei was silent for a short while. And then he began talking.

"Arguing is good. It helps…it helps people let off steam, without actually resorting to violence. If all of our problems could be solved by just arguing, we wouldn't need to teach five-year-olds how to throw knives in the first place. Besides, as long as people have the strength to argue, it means that they also have the strength to form – and defend – their independent opinions," Kakashi-sensei finally answered me. "And if people have the strength to form and defend their independent opinions, it means they are still living and not just alive. Even brainless zombies can live in eternal toleration of one another. So as long as you have the strength to, argue."

"Aren't there better ways to go about that, though?" I asked, looking back over at the crowd, where someone was holding up what looked like a pack of sunflower seeds. "Like…I don't know, a well-researched and civil debate, versus a silly argument over – well, silly things? It's just conflict for the sake of conflict."

Kakashi-sensei shrugged. "Yes, well, some people just aren't as linguistically gifted as you are." And then his serious face disappeared, and it was replaced almost instantaneously with his regular happy-go-lucky attitude again. "…Plus, it's funny."

The Hokage's Office

"You've had an exciting mission, I take it," said Sarutobi-sensei. At least, he sounded like Sarutobi-sensei. Jiraiya was still having trouble figuring out which was which, even though he had been actively searching for the clues ever since the existence of his old mentor's…not-so-newly developed eccentricities had been brought to his attention. "And brought home a great deal of revenue, too."

Jiraiya shrugged. "All in a day's work?"

"It was good you went with those kids," said the Hokage. "I promised I'd keep Team 7 updated on whatever news we had concerning the Akatsuki, and I intend to fulfill that promise. Pass it along when you can."

"So Shikamaru was right? It was the Akatsuki, not Iwa? He's convinced that they're using it as a front to drive the villages to war. Am I being a paranoid old fool for thinking it was someone else?" Jiraiya asked carefully, neglecting to mention the children's involvement with – or even knowledge of – Danzo.

Unlike the inconveniently smart children of this generation's Team 7, Jiraiya was well-trained and well-known enough that an assassination attempt would be considered stupid by even the most reactionary of powers. At least, that was what he was hoping – that his status, as one of Konoha's best, would protect him from the worst.

It hadn't protected Sakumo, but back then Konoha had had less dead or defected talent.

"Yes, it was the Akatsuki, and yes, I'm sure," said the Hokage. "As for Danzo, do you think I'm stupid, Jiraiya? I like to keep an eye on our idiot of a Daimyo so he doesn't end up killing himself and bringing the rest of the godforsaken country down with him just because he chose to follow the wrong advice from equally stupid people! The only reason why that despicably weak, indecisive, damned little fool hasn't majorly screwed up since taking office was because he was lucky enough to have one competent advisor running the show. I won't lie; Danzo has been responsible for many murders. But our dearly departed Head Secretary was not one of them."

At this shameless admission, Jiraiya felt his insides turn to lead.

The jaded adult in him was saying, You naïve fool; did you really think we, or any other hidden village worth its name, would follow the rules set by a bunch of civilian rulers?

But the noble child was aghast. On instinct, his mouth opened, and regurgitated the lessons his sensei had taught him when he was little. The lies upon lies, spouted out at malleable six-year-olds to regurgitate by memory, not because they wanted them to grow up to be honorable and noble warriors, but because a deluded sense of comradery was the best way to keep a large population of trained backstabbers and liars in line.

"Konoha isn't supposed to – " he stuttered plaintively.

" – Danzo is not Konoha," the Sandaime said curtly.

"But we still – "

"It was not out of any selfishness or cruelty, I assure you," the Sandaime snapped. "Conspiracies had nothing to do with it. The Head Secretary was a brilliant man who kept the country together while the Daimyo and his wife chased cats and sipped tea in their rose gardens. But he could not have done it without our help."

Jiraiya tried again. "Lady Arakawa showed me that note!" He omitted the part about how she showed them that note – that is, through Ino's memory gathering – and pressed on. "Don't you understand that this position you so carelessly handed off to Danzo was being used to bribe the Head Secretary to make him the next Hokage – "

"You think I didn't know that? He's a civilian, not stupid. The only difference between him and any regular ninja is the ability to perform jutsu. And that goes for a great deal of people living in the court of Tanyu. Their loyalties are only as steady as what practically suits them. You think Danzo was the only person bribing him?" The Hokage finished off the dregs of his pipe. "He is rich enough not to depend on 'external donations'. Someone in his position is not bribed, merely selling his attention span in a bidding war. At the end of the day he does what he so chooses."

"And who else is bribing him? Obviously, not you, the clean face of Konoha."

"The richer clans, obviously. A few foreigners, mostly merchants looking for lowered customs duties. Some special-interest groups that are in no way comprised of our ANBU. The usual. It's not just Danzo. But I let him run his little bribing ring so I can see what he's up to."

"And he, in turn, you."

"Well, that goes without being said."

Jiraiya was furious. "I didn't think you were a gambling man, sensei. How could you just let this happen? You're playing a futile waiting game, letting an already powerful man with dubious allegiances grab more power. Whose side are you even on? Your own? Because every time you claim to hate Danzo, you turn around and let things that would work to his advantage slide."

The Hokage shrugged. "The men in Tanyu honestly don't care about us. As long as the Hokage is some impressive-sounding S-rank nin they've heard of before, they'll confirm him. The official blessing of a few men a thousand miles away won't mean anything if…If Shikaku Nara has his way,"Hiruzen Sarutobi seemed to murmur under his breath, so quiet Jiraiya almost missed it.

I've always hated these damn riddles of yours, ever since I was a Genin, Jiraiya thought. Shikaku Nara; can't you people just give it to me straight?

"I'm not Hokage material, and I mean it. I can plan a fight, or even a campaign. But that's about all I can do, and Tsunade is only slightly better than I am," Jiraiya said. "Still, I will do what I can. For Konoha."

"We seem to lack in options," the Sandaime mused. "Kakashi…even before that thing with Orochimaru happened, I hesitated."

"Good thing you did, otherwise Konoha might not have been left standing," Jiraiya quipped.

Hiruzen Sarutobi smiled. "If we're lucky, the entire shinobi system might collapse with it." His face turned somber. "All jokes aside, however…if we forced duty on him, he would do it, and do it well, for every second of every day, regardless of how miserable it would make him. He would make himself the perfect Hokage, like he makes himself the perfect machine, and…sometimes perfection is not always the best."

Jiraiya frowned. "Are we artists or shinobi?"

"A good ruler will recognize that he can never be perfect. He is limited by his own human nature. He must know when to wear the public face, and when to be selfish and relax. Otherwise he will tear himself apart," the Hokage explained. "What's the point of a golden age if the man behind it burns out before his thirtieth birthday?"

Both of them chose to ignore the ticking clock still stamped on Kakashi's shoulder.

"Tell me, Jiraiya – if you had a large bag of sweets, would you hand it over to a sugar addict who you knew would eat himself sick?"

"No."

"No. That is not only an unwise waste of your candy, but it is also unethical. It is just so. I cannot, in good conscience, force this job on someone who will only hurt himself doing it, who has sacrificed so much for this village already."

"I know Naruto had dreams of being Hokage, but he won't be mature enough for a long time yet. Shikamaru, though…I can see it happening," Jiraiya mentioned. "He's got his teacher's spark, his father's calm, and his mother's spirit. He's had a happy childhood, a stable family, and good friends who will hopefully keep him grounded if he flies too far. He's not so far gone, and I daresay he would like this shit, though hopefully he'll learn to be smart enough to not like it too much. We could make it work."

The Hokage. "Perhaps. Perhaps we could. There is a certain charisma about Shikaku's boy. He's not as vivacious as either of his teammates, but a steady forcefulness exists in his calm."

"He's a fast thinker, acts professionally, and clearly has the ability to care about other people, given how he acted with his friends. I didn't notice any of the usual, what-do-you-call-it, darkness that appears in people like Orochimaru," Jiraiya added, recalling what he could from his time spent working with the boy.

"Good, good. Of course, there is always the off chance that he's just frightfully good at hiding it, but then that would mean he'd have to fool both you and his father. He might be clever, but I don't think he's quite that clever," the Hokage chuckled, and Jiraiya had to agree. "I think he would prefer background work more, though. The truly intelligent would never stand in the very front, but one step behind, for it allows them to observe two steps ahead."

There was some silence as the Hokage tapped out the remains of his tobacco into his ashtray and exchanged the with some fresh leaves.

"Do the children know?" the Hokage suddenly asked him.

"No," Jiraiya lied. "I thought it would be best they did not get mixed up in this. At least, not yet. Even if they were smart enough to understand, I didn't want to make them a target."

He made sure his face betrayed nothing, even as his heart beat its way out of his chest. For a second he thought he might have been caught.

But the Hokage only closed his eyes and nodded in relief. "Good."

Even the best and brightest will believe what they desperately hope is true.

Jiraiya coughed. "Anyway. You are sure? It's the Akatsuki?"

"I am sure. You might blame Danzo, and they might blame Iwa, but it is their work, definitely. The Head Secretary's death was not advantageous to any of us. Though he had many enemies, he did a good job of maintaining the state of things in such a way that his death would cause his killers greater trouble than his continued life. But," he shrugged sadly, "even the best men can be taken apart by someone with more spite than reason. Danzo and I are both logical. The Akatsuki, and Lady Arakawa, less so. Well, the die has now been cast, and Tanyu is left vulnerable at a time we can ill afford it."

"Have you told Kakashi?" Jiraiya asked.

"We'll tell him as soon as he wakes up," the Hokage said. At Jiraiya's concerned expression, he smiled. "He's not hurt; don't worry. He's just…sleeping off a bit of excitement. And by 'excitement' I mean he hasn't slept since you left for Tanyu. Something to do with that side-project we gave him."

Jiraiya felt the glee crawl onto his face. "Really? How far along is he? Did he start crying in frustration like I did yet? Has he suffered, like I suffered?"

He could just imagine all the pain and misery he wanted to see on Kakashi's face – all the dark nights and sleepless hours – the pain, the utter defeat, the dammit I give up Minato you arse −

The Sandaime shrugged. "He claims he's finished."

− all the pain and misery –

− all the –

− what −

What.

"WHAT?"

"That's what he says."

"That's impossible! I refuse to believe it!"

"I don't know; he was explaining things to me pretty well when I questioned him about it." The Sandaime put a hand on his chin. "Even if he was half-delirious from lack of sleep."

Jiraiya sank into a chair and crosssed his arms. "That's not fucking fair."

The Nara Clan Compound

My post-mission conversation with my father was not going as well as I hoped.

"I thought I told you to stay out of this," he said coldly.

"It's not like I went looking for him!" I argued heatedly. "Danzo's left behind bits and pieces of himself everywhere; I'd have less luck avoiding him. In fact, being in the know is possibly the only way I'd be able to stay out of his way."

I understood why my father was acting this way. I truly did. His reason was the same one that motivated Jiraiya to cover up our involvement in the matter.

But he couldn't shield me forever.

"The most powerful noble in the Daimyo's court was entering his employ when we got there," I told him, "meaning many other lesser powers are probably already taken as well."

My father let out a shaky sigh. It was one of worry, but not surprise. He must have already expected Danzo to try something of this nature. "Truly?"

"Truly," I confirmed. "In the official reports, the Head Secretary was assassinated by either Iwa or the Akatsuki disguised as Iwa, but off the books, Jiraiya and I think Danzo killed him."

My father smiled. "You're smart, Shikamaru. Too smart. And sometimes, too smart means you're wrong."

"…What?"

"A surprising double inversion, actually. You drew a dangerous conclusion, and so you covered it up with the next most logical step. Turns out, your accusation of Danzo was the lie, derived from too much information, and in fact the story you made up was the truth. The Akatsuki were responsible without doubt."

"What."

"I'm not messing with you. We promised we'd tell you about anything we knew about the Akatsuki. At this very moment, Jiraiya and Inoichi are briefing Naruto and Ino. The Hokage's direct sources say that the Akatsuki are trying to start a war between Konoha and Iwa, with the hope of dragging in Kumo as well."

"Then what about Danzo? What about the bribes, and − "

"From what Inoichi managed to glean, Danzo was as annoyed as the rest of us. After all, he did so much work to win over the Head Secretary, and now the man is dead." His smile grew wider at my growing shock.

I sank down into my chair and threw up my hands in disgust. "First Lord Isayama's obvious murder by the Head Secretary turns out to be a suicide all along. Then the Head Secretary's obvious murder by Danzo turns out to be the Akatsuki all along. How do you expect any reasonable human being to wade through that many fucking layers of deception?"

My father's anger was now completely gone, replaced by total amusement. "But it wasn't deception. The truth wasn't complicated at all. It was right in front of your face. But your natural paranoia and logic compelled you to dismiss the too-obvious solution," my father said, and I felt like a five-year-old again, listening to his seemingly infinite wisdom like a bedtime story. "Most of the time, you would be right. Look underneath the underneath. But sometimes, even the underneath is the lie. Sometimes, it really is just that easy."

"How can you tell?" I asked.

"I didn't," he said. "That's the worst part. You can never really know for sure. The state of the world is a difficult thing. People are easy enough to play and read, because they are right there in front of you. The most unpredictable madmen have some pattern to them. But so many different factors affect the state of the universe, factors that you can't measure or reach. Even I wouldn't have been able to see through that. Not without Inoichi's and Jiraiya's confirmation."

I noticed he left the Hokage out of that.

"Life would be simpler if I was omniscient," I muttered to myself.

"Would it?" my father asked, upon hearing my little declaration. "Don't be too sure."

"You're right," I sighed. If there was one thing more maddening than knowing that you didn't know something, it was being unable to do anything about what you did know. Omniscience would be nothing more than a recipe for madness, if it didn't come with omnipotence.

But omnipotence, too, had its dangers. Too much power caused madness, same as not enough power. Men were not meant to be gods.

Even though I really, really wished I could be.

My father patted my shoulder. "Don't be so hard on yourself. It was a reasonable mistake, and by all means, an amusing one that would not have changed anything. The current Head Secretary is still dead, the next one will still be targeted by Danzo, and both Iwa and Akatsuki would have found their excuses sooner or later."

"He wants to become Hokage," I said.

My father snorted. "So does your friend Naruto. People want a lot of things. Doesn't mean they'll get them."

I looked up at him. "What do you want?"

"Easy," he said. "For Danzo to not get what he wants."

"And do you think you'll get what you want?"

He shrugged. "My will against his. We'll see who's stronger."

That night, I went to sleep, still amazed at how much muck something as stupid as Lady Arakawa's half-baked plan to oppose the Head Secretary ended up revealing.

And to think I was so confident I could have finally pinned this one on Danzo, I thought angrily.

Even after the deaths of three different people, nothing had changed. The current Head Secretary was dead, the next one would still be open to Danzo's bribes, and tensions with both the Akatsuki and Iwa would remain high. My father kept vaguely talking about how he was going to take down Danzo, but as far as I was concerned he didn't have any pieces in that major battleground at all.

But he does have one.

You.

BONUS #32

A chart summarizing the Tanyu arc has been posted on the forum.

A/N: Side projects are important for people in stressful situations to take their mind off things. What are your suggestions for kid ninjas?